Well, it’s a new year, but here we are, still talking about Tyler Cameron’s personal life. It seems crazy that six months ago, Tyler was just a twinkle in Hannah Brown’s eye, but time flies when you’re the most eligible bachelor in America (sorry, Pete). We watched closely as Tyler’s relationship with Gigi Hadid developed, and then came to a quiet and abrupt end, but Tyler has kept his dating life more low-key since then. But now, there’s evidence that he’s with someone new, and that someone is none other than Kylie Jenner’s best friend, Stassie Karanikolaou.
Before we get into the actual news here, let me just say that I have officially memorized the spelling of ‘Karanikolaou,’ and I’m really not sure how I feel about that. Like, why do I know so much about these people? Much like Tyler, Stassie really had a come-up in 2019, moving into the illustrious position of Kylie Jenner’s BFF after Jordyn Woods f*cked herself over. Over the past several months, we’ve watched Stassie suck up to Kylie all over Instagram, and clearly it worked.
So. Stassie and Tyler. If you made a random 2019 couple generator, this is probably the first couple that would pop up. It was really only a matter of time before these two found each other. The rumors about Tyler and Stassie originated at the beginning of November, when TMZ posted a video of Tyler making out with a “mystery blonde” at a club in LA. While we couldn’t see the woman’s face in the video, she was wearing the same outfit that Stassie had posed in earlier that day on her Instagram story. Stassie also has some ridiculous extensions that I feel like I could spot from a mile away, so I definitely thought it was her.
Basically everyone thought the woman in the video was Stassie, but we couldn’t say for 100% certainty. We got more evidence a few weeks later, when a source told Us Weekly that the two were “absolutely hooking up.” According to the anonymous source, they were “keeping things casual,” but Tyler wanted to “continue seeing her and see where it goes.” I’d love to know if this is the same kind of “casual” relationship he had with Gigi, which involved flying to Europe for her grandma’s funeral?
We all know that anonymous sources generally shouldn’t be trusted, but in this case, it seems like the intel turned out to be good. Evidently, Tyler did get to continue seeing Stassie, because they were seen partying together in Miami on New Year’s Eve. (No, the Kardashians weren’t there.) According to another Us Weekly source (they have eyes everywhere), Tyler was spotted “being awfully friendly” with Stassie, whatever that means. Like, I appreciate the sentiment here, but next time I’d like the anonymous source to be a bit more descriptive. Was there non-platonic touching? Was Tyler using tongue? Inquiring minds deserve to know these things.
Of course, a dance floor makeout on New Year’s Eve isn’t automatic evidence that a relationship is going somewhere (I have literally no clue what my NYE kiss from last year looks like), but combined with the last couple months of evidence and sources, it definitely seems like Tyler and Stassie are more than just “awfully friendly.” Considering that Stassie lives in LA and Tyler just moved to NYC last year, this relationship seems low-key inconvenient, but I guess these things don’t really matter when you’re famous.
We have a long 2020 ahead of us, and honestly, I don’t think I really see Stassie and Tyler going the distance. But I’m glad that they’re having fun, and it seems inevitable that Tyler was going to end up in the Kardashian Cinematic Universe at some point. I thought hanging out with Taylor Swift and Serena Williams was going to be a tough act to follow, but at this rate, Tyler will probably be at next year’s Kardashian Christmas party. It’s crazy to think that he could’ve been the Bachelor right now, but I have a feeling he has no regrets.
Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; TMZ / YouTube
Guys, I officially can’t keep up with all the Bachelor drama. Between Demi and Tanner, Tayshia and JPJ, and all of Tyler C. and Gigi Hadid’s
orchestrated paparazzi outings dates, it’s all too much. Well, guess the f*ck what, Bachelor Nation: you now have more Tyler C. drama to add to your Google alerts. According to Instagram account @bachelorteaspill, Tyler C. was spotted leaving the apartment of another Bachelorette—and no, it’s not Hannah B., so pour one out for yourselves and your belief in true love right now. Roll tide.
Bachelor Tea Spill posted a photo to their Instagram of Tyler C. and Andi Dorfman in workout clothes, presumably leaving a building. They claim, “Tyler and former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman spotted leaving his (Matt’s) apartment yesterday afternoon” and “The two went to his run together.” I’m assuming by “Matt” they mean Tyler’s overly zealous friend, Matt? (And if that’s the case, why use a stress pronoun to refer to a totally different person? That’s not how those work.) Anyway, as my esteemed colleague 50 Shades of Betch informed me, Tyler is staying at Matt’s apartment at the moment, so for all intents and purposes, it’s Tyler’s apartment for the time being. In other words, Andi was spotted leaving “Tyler”‘s apartment, with Tyler. Hmm.
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Tyler and former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman spotted leaving his (Matt’s) apartment yesterday afternoon • The two went to his run together • The pair also went on a helicopter ride a few weeks ago in NYC • What do we think about this pair? Just friends? Or is this another girl to add to Tyler’s dating list?
Bachelor Tea Spill also claimed, “The pair also went on a helicopter ride a few weeks ago in NYC.” HMMM. So we have a run and a helicopter ride. These are two activities that could honestly go either way. A run isn’t romantic in nature—and I’d argue that the last person I’d want to see me sweaty and red would be one of my romantic interests. (Then again, I’m not a model, so.) The helicopter ride is a little more suspect, although it could be just a fun touristy thing Tyler and Andi decided to do. Given that Bachelor Nation is essentially one giant friend group who all knows each other (and the same could be said of almost all of reality TV, thanks to crossover shows like Ex On The Beach), my alarm bells are not immediately going up. I think it’s very possible that Tyler and Andi could be hanging out as friends. Even the whole “leaving an apartment together” thing doesn’t feel that suspect, considering they were clearly in workout gear and this was in the middle of the day. Like, Andi could have gone to pick Tyler up for their run without it being serious.
This all comes just one day after Tyler was hanging out with Gigi Hadid again, and with that information, I’m going to go ahead and say that Tyler and Andi are probably not a couple. Don’t get me wrong, I know men are idiots and all, but you’d have to be pretty f*cking stupid to be seen photographed with another woman one day after going out with Gigi f*cking Hadid, and then still expect to continue going out with Gigi Hadid. Like, there would just be no bouncing back from that. You can yell at me that “he’s single, he can do what he wants” until you’re blue in the face; I don’t think anyone would be happy to see their date out with somebody else one day later.
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Tyler and Gigi spotted out with friends in NYC…tbh I’m really over them idk about y’all • No longer trying to be “discrete”…but they never really did a good job at that from the start • Is their relationship real? Is it just a PR move? Will it last? • Let me know your thoughts in the comments!
So we don’t know yet what the deal is with Tyler and Andi, but I think one thing is clear. He is definitely not getting back with Hannah anytime soon, and is going to ride this wave wherever the fame takes him.
Images: bachelorteaspill / Instagram
I think the world might fully be coming to an end, because I should not be this invested in the love life of a Bachelorette contestant. Last week, we all watched as Hannah broke Tyler’s heart, and then had her heart broken by Jed, and then basically slid into Tyler’s DMs live on television. It was a cute moment when Hannah asked Tyler to get a drink with her, but I wasn’t convinced that it was actually going to go anywhere.
Well, apparently I was wrong, because it only took two days for Tyler and Hannah to start banging like a screen door in a hurricane. Maybe. All we actually know is that Tyler was seen leaving Hannah’s apartment early Friday morning, so I’m letting my mind fill in the blanks. If the photos were to be believed, were Hannah and Tyler really back together? Did she wind up with her fairytale Bachelorette experience after all?
Well.. not so fast.
No sooner had we gotten over the high of seeing Tyler doing a walk of shame out of Hannah’s place, than Gigi Hadid came along and threw a wrench in this whole thing. As you might recall, we all noticed a couple weeks ago when Tyler and Gigi started following each other on Instagram. We weren’t sure what it meant at the time, but there was no way it was just a coincidence. Thankfully, it didn’t take long to figure out where things were headed, because Tyler and Gigi were spotted hanging out at Dumbo House on Sunday night.
I think I might be obsessed with this? Tyler and Gigi are definitely in the same league, and are probably two of the most attractive people on the planet. I don’t know if they’re headed anywhere serious, but it makes sense that they would have a good time together. Also, Dumbo House is the perfect place for them to hang out, because you need a membership to get in and you’re not allowed to take photos there. Whoever shared this photo, I have a feeling that their membership might not get renewed for next year, but I’m glad they sacrificed to give us this information. They are doing the Lord’s work.
We’re still very light on information about what Tyler and Gigi did on Sunday night, but so far, there haven’t been any photos of him leaving her apartment. Tragic. More than anything, his recent, um, activities with Hannah and Gigi make me think he doesn’t have any desire to be the Bachelor next year. Honestly, it’s already a miracle that everyone loves him so much, so I feel like if he went on the show, he would probably just risk doing something asshole-ish and ruining his reputation. (CC: Dean Unglert.)
Also, Amanda Hirsch (@notskinnybutnotfat on Instagram) posted this DM with someone who apparently has behind the scenes knowledge about Tyler.
Obviously, all of this should be taken with a decently sized grain of salt, but it’s definitely interesting to think about. It makes sense that in the mainstream modeling world, Tyler might have more opportunities if he doesn’t go on The Bachelor. He might get more followers in the short-term, but he really doesn’t need the help with his career. He’s already the most-followed man in all of Bachelor Nation, and his season just ended a week ago.
I’m excited to see what happens next with Tyler, both in his career and his personal life. I really wouldn’t be surprised if we see more of Tyler and Gigi together, and maybe he’ll keep hanging out with Hannah a little bit, but I don’t think their relationship is really headed anywhere. Hannah had her chance, and she blew it. I don’t think Tyler hates Hannah, but he’s on his own journey now, one where he’s hot and famous and the world is his oyster. Meanwhile, I am already screaming over Mike possibly being the Bachelor, and I already forgot that Jed Wyatt exists. Sad!
Images: thebetchelor (2); notskinnybutnotfat / Instagram
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Welcome to night two of
my personal hell The Bachelorette season finale! Last night, Hannah’s final two men, Tyler and a guy who really should have just gone on The Voice, met her parents and had their last one-on-one dates before proposal day. I think the high points for me was watching Tyler restore health and vitality to Hannah’s mother with one flash of his dimples, and then, in contrast, watching Hannah become physically ill at the thought of her forever with Jed. The low point was having to listen to Jed defend his dog food jingle as a strategic career move that all the “real artists” have to do at least once before making it big. SURE, JAN.
Tonight, we open with Hannah reflecting on her big decision. In a voiceover, she says: “I showed everything and I felt truly free.” Jesus. Is she STILL talking about that windmill?
Next she lists the pros and cons of each man, and the differences are… staggering. On the one hand, she’s got Tyler. He’s attractive, rich, sweet to his dad, never got involved in the house drama, and has always defended her choices no matter how hair-brained they seemed. But—and this is a huge but—he’s from Florida. Yikes. Sure, it’s Jupiter, which I hear is not a complete cesspool, but it’s still Florida, America’s longest-running joke.
Then there’s Jed, a flaming pile of garbage masquerading as a human man. Jed, who admitted to Hannah very early on that he was only on the show for fame and then continued to self-promote the f*ck out of his music with mediocre singing every chance he got. Jed, who her parents hated, who ALWAYS questioned her decisions, and who frequently used manipulative language to get what he wanted. Also, there’s that girlfriend he has in Nashville waiting for him to come back home (and hopefully castrate him). Yes, I see how this could be a real Sophie’s Choice for her.
Okay, actually I’m really loving this dress she’s wearing. Perhaps my arch nemesis, Cary Fetman, took my criticisms to heart? And they say peer pressure doesn’t work!!
Hannah heads off to the final rose ceremony, and she doesn’t look confident at all about this decision. Case in point:
This is not the face of someone who is 100% sure about the man she wants to marry. This is the face of a person who just got asked to do a Fireball shot by a guy who still wears polos with his frat logo on it.
At one point on her way to the proposals Hannah asks the driver to pull over, at which time she starts to FLEE from production. I mean, sure, it’s more of a drunken stagger than an all-out run, but I understand her intent. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Hans!
As she’s fleeing, she takes a tumble down the hill and this just reinforces the argument I’ve been making all season about how Hannah likes to pregrame the rose ceremonies. Finally, a Bachelorette I can get behind! She’s just sitting on the ground in that white dress with bloody elbows and what she really needs is a friend to suggest they just
order pizza not go get herself a husband. Where are your real friends when you need them, Hannah?
She’s like, “I don’t know how to tell someone they’re not good enough when it’s not true” and it’s, like, honey you have been on Twitter before haven’t you? She eventually gets up and dusts off the only Cary Fetman dress I’ve ever barely liked and carries on to the rose ceremony. So, I guess it’s a no for that pizza then?
The first limo arrives AND OH MY GOD IT’S TYLER. WHY. Why would you do this to me, Hannah? She does have the foresight to look mildly ashamed as he exits the limo full of hope and some damn good genes. Hannah you are a fool.
Tyler goes into his speech and he is saying all the right things. He’s like, “I know our love is a light that will burn on forever” and I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING. Also, why is she letting him say this entire speech if she’s just going to dump him? This is so painful.
Hannah stops him before he actually gets down on one knee and just has nothing to say. She keeps opening her mouth and no sound comes out. You can tell he knows it’s over. He’s like “so that’s a no?” SO THAT’S A NO. Oh my god, I’m not well. I AM NOT WELL.
Watching as Tyler walks dumbstruck back to the limo, I still just don’t understand how Hannah could do this to me personally. She had the perfect man right in front of her and gave it up for some guy whose dad still pays his rent. I was rooting for you, Hannah, we were all rooting for you!
HANNAH: I’m sorry. I’m just in love with someone else. ME:
Jed rolls up next, and of f*cking course he brings his guitar. He’s like “I don’t have words to express our love, but I do have a song!” You always do, don’t you Jed? Do we think he’ll live tweet the link to it on Spotify?
Hannah starts crying and I hope it’s of embarrassment. Seriously, unless you are the next Harry Styles, no woman wants you to sing to her! Hannah launches into some speech about how she’s been praying for a husband her whole life and how grateful she is for Jesus bringing Jed into her life. Yes, well, if Jesus took the wheel on this one, Hannah, then I think he took it and drove it straight off a cliff.
Jed Faces The Music
Fast forward to a few days post-engagement, and we’re treated to a truly painful montage of Hannah and Jed and their dance parties by the pool. Tbh this was not what I was hoping to see when Chris Harrison promised us that Jed would be emotionally drawn and quartered for our viewing pleasure after the commercial break. Where. Is. the. Bloodshed. WHERE.
It appears production was only able to catch a solid three minutes of happy couple footage before Hannah finds out about the whole Jed having another girlfriend thing and OH SH*T, IT’S GOING DOWN.
Hannah says that right after Jed proposed, he let it slip that he was with this girl before coming on the show but assures her, as all f*ckboys do, that “it was nothing.” A few days after that Hannah gets notified about the People article where Jed’s girlfriend, Haley, describes in great detail the expanse of their relationship, and it sounds way more in-depth than Jed’s hit-it-and-quit-it description of it. Also, Hannah is still wearing the ring though?? WHAT DOES IT MEAN.
Hannah says she doesn’t know the man she fell in love with, but I feel like the warning signs were there. I mean she’s heard him sing before.
Jed goes over to Hannah’s safe house to clear the air with her and it’s like, what? No guitar today, Jed? There’s not a song in your heart to describe being a disgusting philanderer? Also, that he has the audacity to do a sing-song friendly knock. THIS IS A SOMBER KNOCK OCCASION, JED.
All I have to say is waiting for Hannah to f*cking obliterate Jed is my thunderdome. Hannah starts things off by wanting to know about literally every chick who’s ever breathed on him. She’s just covering all her bases!
JED: There are two very different views of what actually went down. HANNAH: So let me get this straight. She called you her boyfriend, you went on lavish vacations with her like a boyfriend, and told her you loved her as boyfriends sometimes do, but you weren’t her boyfriend? JED: So you do get it!
Jed launches into his versions of events and, guys, it’s so much worse than we thought. We find out that he met Haley in October when he was “very single still” and “dating around.” They slept together, there was some sort of romantic cabin weekend (but he didn’t pay for the cabin so he’s not her boyfriend, just a giant piece of sh*t, okay!!), birthdays were shared, her parents thought they were dating enough that they bought them a lavish vacation as a couple, and he even told her “I love you” (but he was drunk so it doesn’t count, okay!!).
HANNAH: But you weren’t dating. JED: We weren’t dating. Absolutely not. We did go on several trips together as a couple and an “I love you” was exchanged but I have NO idea where the wires got crossed here. Girls are crazy!!
Meanwhile, the audience is visibly sharpening their pitchforks. Tbh watching their reaction right now is adding years back to my life. My skin is getting clearer, my metabolism is speeding up, I AM ALIVE Y’ALL.
Jed continues to half-heartedly defend himself but for the most part he looks like he could not give one single sh*t about this conversation. Case in point:
I mean that expression all but screams “can’t we just push this under the rug now, babe!”
Here’s my biggest issue with Jed, though: he doesn’t seem the slightest bit remorseful. In fact, the only emotion we see from him comes when he’s defending his own character. This happened to him, (not to the two of them because, as Hannah clarifies at one point, THEY ARE ENGAGED and his actions impact her), he’s an innocent bystander in all of this and his actions had no direct result here. What’s more is he doesn’t seem to think his words or actions with Haley meant anything because “in his heart he broke up with her, just not verbally.”
Listening to this conversation play out is triggering, to say the least. I’ve dated Jed’s before, men who say and do one thing, but (apparently) mean the opposite and then blame the woman for getting his signals confused. It’s disgusting and borderline sociopathic. I fully believe Jed thought he could get away with all of this. He never thought Haley would come forward because he thought he’d manipulated her enough to keep silent. He probably figured that if he did win he would stay engaged just long enough for people to start downloading his music off Spotify and then amicably break things off with Hannah when the time was right. The only reason he seems even the slightest bit remorseful is because he got caught and wants to salvage his public image. Again, it’s all about Jed. What he wants and needs.
It’s clear that after tonight Jed is going to need witness protection for his safety because every woman who has ever been wronged (so, every woman) will start popping out of bushes and ambushing him with grenades. And you know what? I’m here for this revolution.
After The Final Rose
Cut to the present, and we find out that Hannah is not engaged anymore. She says that “this isn’t what she said yes to” and that “this experience was taken from her.” I’m actually VERY proud of Hannah. You can tell she really wanted to be married and I kind of thought it didn’t matter to whom, but I’m glad she’s standing her ground.
And what fortuitous timing for Hannah to make such an announcement, because Chris Harrison brings Jed out next to test if Hannah was actually serious about that. He walks out onto the stage and the crowd is absolutely silent. I’m sure he hasn’t witnessed silence like this since his last gig.
JED: I’m sorry, I’ve said I’m sorry. I will own up to that all day now that I’ve been publically dragged and nobody is liking my YouTube videos anymore.
Yeah, that sounds sincere.
Despite the fact that Jed only seems mildly apologetic and did let out one limp “I still love you,” Hannah says that it’s over for good between them. Again, I’m super proud of Hannah. Let’s remember she’s 24 and I did not know someone who cannot even legally rent a car could have this much emotional maturity. When I was her age I was still sleeping with guys who said things like “let’s not exchange numbers, but here’s my Snapchat handle!”
HANNAH: I’ve learned a lot from this experience but mostly I’ve learned that I want a husband, I don’t need a husband. ME:
Damn. I think Hannah just won the Democratic debate this evening because I’m voting for her for 2020 after that comment. They grow up so fast!!
And there’s more fortuitous timing because Chris brings Tyler out unto the stage next! In contrast to Jed’s entrance, Tyler gets a standing ovation. You know Jed has to be watching this from backstage and mentally jumping off a bridge. I would prefer he be burned at the stake, but I’ll settle for some bridge jumping.
Guys, there is so much sexual tension happening on stage. I’m sweating. I can’t. Though, if we’re being completely honest, I don’t think Tyler will take her back. I think he’s a very nice guy and will flirt with her and not outright reject her on national television, but I don’t think this will go anywhere.
OMG. DID HANNAH JUST ASK HIM OUT FOR DRINKS. DID SHE?! So let me get this straight: she had an entire show dedicated to finding her a husband, the country was scoured for men, and in the end she’s right back to using pickup lines from Bumble?
Great. I don’t feel like I wasted 8 weeks of my life and one family vacation streaming this garbage they call a television show! Nope! Not at all!!
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Well, people, we’ve made it. After watching what felt like an extremely long season sponsored by Jesus and steroids, Hannah is down to her final three men: Tyler, Jed, and the pilot she’s 1,000% about to send home with some pity tears and a nice HAGS comment. How we’re at the finale and she still has yet to
JUST CHOOSE TYLER MY GOD whittle it down to her final two suitors, I’m not sure, but it’s starting to feel like a real punishment, let me just tell you.
The Rose Ceremony Continued
Speaking of punishments, what did America do to deserve this dress two weeks in a row? I’m sorry, but Hannah is the freaking lead this season and she’s dressed like she’s about to lose her virginity in a Holiday Inn after her junior prom. I’m starting to feel like this is a personal attack against me from stylist to
the stars ABC’s social experiments, Cary Fetman, for all the times I dragged him last season over Becca’s outfits. Well you know what, Cary? I’M CRYING UNCLE. I give. Now will you please just stop? My eyes are starting to bleed.
Me screaming at my TV drunk in my living room:
But I’m a good f*cking person!
Back at the rose ceremony, Hannah has just sent Luke back to the shower from whence he crawled out of but still needs to dump another guy whilst dressed like a 2007 Pinterest mood board. Rough.
Hannah starts things off by saying her heart is about to be broken by this decision, and I don’t love the way she keeps looking at Tyler. Her eyes look like they are full of regret, like she’s sad she’ll never get a chance to sample that dick or something, and it’s like YES YOU CAN, HANNAH. JUST KEEP HIM.
Oh thank god. Tyler is safe which means it’s sayonara to our favorite Delta pilot.
Peter: But the windmill!!
Wow Hannah is struggling with this goodbye rn. She’s like, “my Barbie played with your Barbie and that’s what love is!” I don’t know what they’re teaching in Alabama, but I’m scared. Thanks to my friend Aubrey who grew up in Alabama—and, until two years ago, didn’t realize dinosaurs were not mythical creatures lumped in with the Loch Ness monster and the tooth fairy, but rather, actually existed—I know all about the “science” they’re teaching in those public schools. But now I’m starting to think their sex ed classes involve dolls with strategic parts of their anatomy missing and a lot of prayer. Aubrey, please confirm!
After The Final Rose AKA Peter’s Mom Is A Hype Girl
After Peter gets dumped, ABC cuts to live coverage from After The Final Rose with Chris Harrison. It appears we will be flashing back and forth from the finale to ATFR because ABC
is a sadist loves nothing better than to hold us hostage for as long as possible in the name of “good television.” ABC, you’re on my list.
He brings Peter out to the hot seat, and I love that Chris Harrison gets genuine joy out of rubbing salt in other people’s wounds. He’s like “I see you’re having trouble watching this. I see you crying. Do you want to kill yourself?” CHRIS. You can’t just ask these things on live television!
Meanwhile, Peter’s mom is in the audience and is acting like a national tragedy just happened. I’m sorry but, ma’am, your son has definitely f*cked his way through every Delta flight attendant. I think he’ll survive.
Once Chris gets done doing a pulse check on Peter’s emotional instability, he brings out Hannah to finish off skewering Peter’s love life. Weirdly, this reunion has the opposite effect. Is it just me or is Hannah, like, flirting with Peter? This is not the interaction I was expecting AN ENGAGED WOMAN to have with her ex-boyfriend in front of all of America and Peter’s mom. That is way too much thigh touching for an engaged woman!!
Jesus Christ. Hannah, stop saying hi to his parents! They hate your guts. They offered you their home and their Cuban prayers and you sh*t on it! Plus his mother was just sobbing so have a little tact, Hannah.
Hannah: In the Fantasy Suite I thought it was real.
Peter: I know, I really believed those orgasms were real too.
Okay, Peter’s mom is the ultimate hype girl. Every time they bring up Peter’s sexual prowess, she claps. Like, a lot. Like, more than is socially acceptable to clap for your grown son’s penis.
Peter’s mom rn:
Chris is like “well on a lighter note, you’ll always have the windmill!” Yes, Chris, as if the poor people of Crete could ever forget how they desecrated one of their fanciest tourist attractions. But thank you for bringing it up once more!!
WHY ARE THEY WHISPERING TO EACH OTHER. They’re giggling over that “four times” comment in a way that makes me think maybe there’s been a fifth or sixth time post-filming?
I mean, TELL me this doesn’t look like they’ve snuck away to the Delta Sky Lounge recently? There is more tea to be spilled here…
Tyler’s Last One-On-One
I’m going to break the rest of this recap up into two parts with Tyler and Jed’s dates, respectively. I mean, if I were ABC that’s how I would have done it in the first place, but I’ve heard this is also a tactic they use to torture prisoners of war to disorient them and make them lose track of all sense of time, and I know that’s the vibe they go for with these finales.
Tyler gets to meet Hannah’s family first, and my immediate thought upon seeing them is “wow that’s a lot of crosses happening there.” The whole family is giving me Christian rock band vibes HARD, and the dad in particular looks like a youth pastor who wants to tell me all about how bitchin’ Jesus was.
Wow, okay, it looks like Hannah’s mom might be more into Tyler than Hannah is. He walks into the house and her eyes light the f*ck up. She’s breathing heavy and giggling and BLUSHING.
Hannah: I didn’t know if I liked you, Tyler, or if you were just tall.
Ah, yes. Isn’t that all our cross to bear?
After impressing her dad and bringing her mother to orgasm by merely breathing, Tyler gets one more chance to prove to Hannah that he’s more than just an extremely good-looking man with lots of money and respect for women. What more she could want in a guy, I’m not sure. I believe my list goes something like “hot, tall, rich, and has seen every Veronica Mars episode ever made” but to each their own, I guess.
Tyler’s like “I’m a pusher,
Cady Hannah. I push people.” Does he think if he says the word “push” enough she’ll get the subliminal message that he wants to bang in that field?
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Do you feel the sparks with these two?! #thebachelorette #bts #bachelorinsider #thebachelorettefinale ?
WAIT. ARE THEY GOING TO DO IT TONIGHT?? I think it might happen! Damn, that subliminal messaging really works. Hannah shows up to Tyler’s hotel room post-date with the sole intent of
solidifying their relationship screwing his brains out, it seems. Though you wouldn’t be able to tell based off that hoodie sweater thing she’s wearing. It’s giving me some serious middle school field day vibes rather than the “come hither” ones I’m sure she intended.
The camera pans out just as Hannah screams “we would have the sweetest family” and then straddles Tyler on the bed. Just when we were getting to the good stuff!
Jed’s Last One-On-One
Moving on to Jed’s date. Tyler is a tough act to follow and I’m not just saying that because the pheromones he puts into the world brought Hannah’s mom out of menopause. That said, Hannah does look amazing today. I’m digging this Grecian goddess look, but I don’t like that she’s wasted it on a man who most definitely makes fake YouTube accounts to comment glowing praise on his own music videos.
Predictably, Jed’s burgeoning music career does not go over well with her family. Hannah’s dad asks how he intends to support a family and Jed is just like “um with this?” JED. You can’t just say these things! I’m pretty sure her father wants you to have a more solid (albeit untruthful) plan for his daughter’s security other than just open mic nights and Flat Tummy Tea deals.
Hannah’s dad: And how is your music career going?
Jed: It’s really taking off, sir. I just signed a deal with a dog food company for a jingle.
I SIGNED A DEAL WITH A DOG FOOD COMPANY. Where has this gem been all season?? And how did that jingle go, Jed? Hmm? I’m imagining something like: “Haley, you know where my heart will be. But if I don’t come back, feed the dog for me.”
I love how her mom is just like, “so you’ve been failing as a songwriter for a while now, huh, honey?” Shadeeeeee, Barbara. I can’t wait to get her take on the Magic Mike act that actually pays his bills.
Hannah: Well what do you think of him?
Hannah’s mom: Well he has… qualities.
HE HAS QUALITIES!! HAHA. She can’t even force herself to say good qualities. Even serial killers have “qualities”, Barbara!
I don’t know why Hannah is acting shocked by all of this. Jed literally said his five year plan involved making it big off of kibble. I think that’s how it worked out for The Beatles too, Jed!
Jed describing his five year plan:
Moving on. They spend their last one-on-one date on a boat in Greece. For all intents and purposes this should be the perfect date, but it quickly turns into the stuff of my nightmares when Hannah starts projectile vomiting for no apparent reason.
She’s like “I think it’s the boat and maybe the uncertainty that goes along with wanting a future with a guy who thinks dog food jingles are okay to lead with on his LinkedIn.” In between blowing chunks over the side of the boat, Jed complains about how her dad just doesn’t understand his music. I feel like my friend from high school who now sells Mary Kay products on Facebook has a more lucrative career than you, but please tell me more, Jed.
Jed: I would love you no matter what, even if I met you off the show.
His girlfriend back at home:
And that concludes night one of the Bachelorette finale! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow night to see if Hannah will get her happily ever after or just a future pulling singles out of Jed’s G-string.
Images: Giphy (6); @bachelorinsider /Instagram (2)
We’re rapidly approaching the end of this season of The Bachelorette, and while it’s been a great season, it feels like it’s been going on for a thousand years. With all of the drama that’s been going on, whether it’s on the show, with past girlfriends, or on social media, these past few weeks have felt like a sh*t show in Bachelor Nation. Going into the finale, the only guy who remains untarnished is Tyler C, but it remains to be seen whether Hannah will find her way through the trash to the hottest (and best) choice.
But let’s ignore Hannah for now. While she’s had to stay relatively quiet about Tyler while the season is airing, the rest of the world has been openly thirsty for him for months now. He seems like a genuinely nice guy, he’s incredibly hot, and he’s actually hilarious on social media. This seems too good to be true, but it’s why he’s the first Bachelorette contestant to ever hit one million Instagram followers while his season is still airing. Tyler, you’re doing amazing sweetie.
Obviously a lot of people have followed Tyler C in the last few weeks, but one in particular caught the internet’s eye on Tuesday morning: Gigi Hadid. Within minutes, Gigi and Tyler followed each other on Insta, which is more than a little suspicious. It’s too soon to draw any conclusions here, but this definitely raises some questions.
It wouldn’t have been surprising if Tyler C was already following Gigi Hadid before this, considering that she’s world-famous and has almost 50 million followers. I’m sure thousands of people follow Gigi every single day, but the fact that she followed him right before he followed her makes me pretty sure it’s not a coincidence. At the very least, it seems like they could be DMing each other, but why? How? Where? I need answers!
I have a feeling that this all boils down pretty simply. My best theory is that Gigi Hadid probably watches The Bachelorette like the rest of us, and has been into Tyler C for a while. Or, maybe one of her friends told her she needed to watch because there’s this hot guy on the show, and liked what she saw. Even if Gigi followed Tyler without any kind of conversation, he would probably follow back ASAP, because he’s not exactly in the same league as her career-wise.
But of course, it’s more fun to imagine that there’s some kind of flirty DM conversation going on between these two, because they’re both incredibly hot, and now I kind of feel like they belong together? Gigi split up with Zayn Malik for the last time in November, 2018, so as far as we know she is very much single and ready to mingle.
We can wait for next week to see if Tyler C is officially single and ready to mingle as well, but at this point I’m not sure if I’m team Hannah or team Gigi when it comes to who gets Tyler C. Maybe both? Monogamy is a social construct!!
Obviously, we’ll be keeping tabs on whether these two start showing signs of an Instagram flirtationship, because Tyler C and Gigi Hadid would make the most beautiful babies the world has ever seen. Okay, might be getting ahead of myself, but I can’t help it.
Images: themorningtoast / Instagram