This Twitter Thread About One Guy’s Trip To Cabo Sounds Like A True Crime Documentary

There are certain wonders of the world that cannot be explained. Who built Stonehenge. Who was Jack The Ripper. Where is Cleopatra’s tomb. How is Twitter free. That last one I ask myself at least once a day, especially when I come across content that is too premium to not cost money. That happened last night when, during my usual Twitter scroll, I came across a thread from Andrew Kimmel detailing his recent trip to Mexico. After reading it, completely captivated, I immediately sent it to my friends, telling them it is the most interesting thing I’ve read on Twitter. I know that’s a bold claim, but I promise this thread will deliver.

The thread starts out like many disgruntled travel tweets, with Kimmel tweeting at American Airlines. “Ugh, here we go,” I said to myself. “Another angry rant at an airline because someone’s flight got delayed over circumstances beyond the airline’s control.” But that’s not what happened at all—instead of your run-of-the-mill “f*ck you American Airlines for canceling my flight due to severe blizzards” tweet, I got a full-on action movie.

Okay, so I am not on any kind of status on any airline (except maybe “don’t give this girl any wine” status), so I could relate to approximately zero percent of this tweet. But I’m guessing the gist is this (rich people, feel free to correct me in the comments): in order to be able to keep some perks, Kimmel would have to spend $275 more dollars on a flight, or $1,875 real dollars. That is some ridiculous math, but sounds about right for airlines. So Andrew says “f*ck it” and buys a trip to Mexico so he can keep that sweet, sweet status.

Things start out pretty good so far.

And then things go from “Instagram highlights” to First 48 Hours episode.

First of all, never go to a bar with a dead phone. Second of all, that beer had better be fermented with liquid cold and come with a side of Tyler Cameron if they’re going to charge $150 for ONE. (Yes, yes, I know it’s plain extortion, just go with me on the joke here.) Then, things get crazier.

I actually can’t wait for the Scam Goddess podcast to cover this con.

So then the next tweet is about how this guy from the UK is lamenting from Mexican jail about how his wife is going to kill him. It’s not super necessary to the plot, but it does add some character.

Then, Kimmel takes a nap while his cellmate’s wife posts his bail.

Obligatory “thanks, kind stranger!”

The Cabo tourism department (do they have one?) is probably sweating right now.

Losing my passport is one of my biggest nightmares, so I can only imagine how Kimmel feels.

So, my driver’s license expires in 2020, so I spent no less than a few hours during Christmas discussing with my family all the different types of IDs and what each one does. And isn’t the point of the Real ID so that you can go to Canada and Mexico without a passport? Or is that the enhanced one? F*ck, they make this sh*t way too complicated.

LOLLLLL what kind of insane episode of the Twilight Zone is this? I would have probably snapped and ended up back in a Mexican jail at this point.

Okay, wait what? When did this go from “friends” to you’re now kissing outside an airport before running to make your flight? I know that this is a Twitter thread, but a little foreshadowing that there was sexual tension here would have helped.

Alas, it was not meant to be. Kimmel made it home (but no word on whether he made it to his friend’s New Year’s party, since according to another tweet he landed in LA shortly after 1am).

So now I’ve got about a million questions. Did he and his Kenya crush exchange numbers? Will they see each other again?? And is he ever going back to Mexico? Just kidding about that last one. But I really can’t wait until Netflix options this movie as a suspense drama/rom-com with Noah Centineo starring as Kimmel. This was seriously better than half the thrillers I’ve read this year.

The other amazing/terrible part of this? American Airlines responded to Kimmel’s first tweet…. completely missing the mark.

Yikes, read the room. Some intern at American Airlines is definitely getting fired, and I bet legit bars and hotels all over Cabo are going to be falling over themselves to offer Kimmel and his jail crush some free drinks and a place to stay. Not a bad ending to an otherwise traumatic experience!

I feel like the moral of this story is, if you’re going to book a cheap flight just to maintain your mileage status, fly domestic. Oh, and don’t go to a place called Urban Bar in Cabo San Lucas (with a name like that, though, it seems kind of obvious the place is a scam).

Images: JESHOOTS.COM / Unsplash; andrewkimmel / Twitter

Insane Bride Cancels Entire Wedding After Her Guests Refuse To Pay For It

If you’re a bridesmaid who is one Etsy link away from dropping out of the wedding and changing your identity, let me tell you a story about a bridezilla that’s for sure crazier than anything your obnoxious college roommate has pulled. Only four days before her wedding, this insane bride allegedly called the whole thing off and broke up with her fiancé, who also happens to be her high school sweetheart, and the father of her son. I mean, people cancel weddings all of the time so that isn’t really that nuts. But, this betch called it all off because after asking each guest to contribute $1,500, basically nobody RSVP’d and she couldn’t pay for it. Yes, this bride asked her guests to contribute $1,500 EACH for HER wedding. 

In a tweet that we should all thank the internet gods for making viral, Twitter user @0lspicykeychain (I’ll let the username slide because sharing this story is truly a public service) shared some screenshots from an insane post in a wedding shaming group. Sidenote: remind yourself to join a wedding shaming group later. Also, please remember that this is literally just a viral Twitter thread and if it’s all just a scam for favorites, none of us can be mad because this is the life we live in 2018.

If you have a solid 10 mins to absorb this, I present a very real status shared in a wedding shaming group I'm a part of

— last of a dying brand (@0lspicykeychain) August 25, 2018

— last of a dying brand (@0lspicykeychain) August 25, 2018

— last of a dying brand (@0lspicykeychain) August 26, 2018

— last of a dying brand (@0lspicykeychain) August 26, 2018

— last of a dying brand (@0lspicykeychain) August 26, 2018

— last of a dying brand (@0lspicykeychain) August 26, 2018

Honestly, this ex-bride must secretly be a YouTuber or something because the level of extra she develops just to begin the story is ridiculous. At the very least, she probably has the MTV Casting Calls page bookmarked.

“You’re all involved somehow, somehow everyone is wrapped into this mess. Even if you weren’t invited to my wedding, I don’t care,” the bridezilla wrote to a literal Facebook group. “You might hear of the drama and I’d rather you hear it from me. I’m not asking for sympathy. I just want to tell my story.”

The chick then goes on to explain that although she and her ex had saved up about $15,000, she requested $1,000 to $1,500 from each guest to fund her $60,000 wedding and also set up a Go Fund Me page. And no, scaling back wasn’t an option. Apparently, she visited a psychic who told her to throw a baller wedding and also thinks she has like, a god-given right to live like a Kardashian. Okay. The worst part is, she wasn’t even like, kind of remorseful about it. She literally wrote “Our request for $1,500 for all other guests was not f*cking out of the ordinary. Like, we made it CLEAR. If you couldn’t contribute, you weren’t invited to our exclusive wedding.”

Umm… I’m sorry, but half of the people you invited were probably pissed about the thought of having to buy you a KitchenAid mixer, let alone contribute to your wedding fund. Besides, it’s not like most of the money they’d be sending would actually go to them. According to The Knot, the average cost per plate is $268… and that’s when you factor in the states where you can pull off a decent wedding for 20 grand. I have no idea where this woman lives, but if she’s anywhere near the tristate area, $60,000 is not that far off for the average cost of a wedding. If she was actually looking to throw a Kardashian blowout, she was going to need way more cash than that.

Perhaps the worst part of this entire thing is that eight people actually sent back RSVPs with checks. These are probably the same people who are funding the lifestyle of the Nigerian prince who slides into old people’s emails and drains all their savings.

After homegirl realized she wasn’t going to be able to have a bunch of suckers her friends fund her “dream wedding,” she supposedly had a full-on panic attack when her ex-fiancé offered they get hitched in Vegas. Yikes.

Anyway, eventually the maid of honor and all of the bridesmaids dipped out, which led to everything else crumbling and the wedding being called off. This woman claims that she and her ex plan to remain civil, but she’s also planning a two month backpack across South America, so we’ll see how that goes.

So, yeah. There’s your daily dose of insanity. This b*tch literally wrote, “Just f*cking give me money for my wedding”—shocker that didn’t turn out well for her. If it turns out that this entire thing is a marketing ploy for some wedding reality show, I’ll be kind of annoyed, but I will absolutely watch it.

Images: 0lspicykeychain / Twitter (6); Giphy (2)