It’s almost cuffing season, which also means everyone’s staying inside watching TV because we no longer have to pretend to give a shit about our summer bodies. This means that while you’ll be narrowing down your hoe-tation, you will also want to come off as chill as possible as post-summer blues make everyone lazy and not ready for a high-maintenance betch. You’ll need to arm yourself with shit to talk about with guys other than football, because not every guy is going to want to talk about sports—sometimes his team loses and he’s a sore loser, or it’s just annoying, and all of the time he’ll think you’re pretending to care about football to seem cool. Therefore, to appear chill AF, here are the shows you should be watching or at least be vaguely aware of because every male specimen is obsessed with them, for reasons we will never quite understand get into in a second.
1. ‘Rick & Morty’
You’ve definitely heard bros gushing about this show like it’s the popular girl in school. The good news is this show is actually good so if you haven’t watched it yet, it’s an easy one to get into. It’s science fiction—but like, science fiction in the way that Drunk History is historical—and it’s also animated, so basically if you liked Futurama or Adventure Time or just like to get high, this show is an easy one to get hooked on. Guys talk about this show like betches talked about Pretty Little Liars, and you’ll get bonus points if you quote it. And why not? Half the quotes are random ad-libs anyway, so it’s easy to memorize a couple catchphrases just to have them under your belt for later. We don’t want to give the fuckboys credit, but Rick & Morty is a funny show, so if you watch it you’ll have something to laugh about even when you’re waiting for that fuckboy to text you back.
^See what the fuck I mean? Men are idiots.
2. ‘Veep’
Every guy either thinks Seinfeld or Cheers was like, the best show ever invented and those guys go on to watch Veep. Good thing for you, Veep stars Julia Louis Dreyfus, so you can relax knowing the guys who think they’re better than you because they watch this show are rooting for a woman. If you liked Arrested Development you’ll like this show, plus Julia is just queen bee when it comes to carrying a comedy. Also since you’re busy af, this show is only 30 minutes, which means you can watch this if you need to pop an Adderall trying to remember everyone’s names in Game of Thrones.
3. ‘Twin Peaks’
This show used to be on TV and now it’s back, directed by David Lynch again, which means the hot nerds are going crazy for it. The show has every celebrity you can imagine in it, plus it’s got a missing homecoming queen which is like some of our favorite things. Missing hot people and small town drama—it’s basically what Riverdale was trying to be. I mean, Riverdale is still pretty chill, but if you want to go to the source, watch Twin Peaks. Guys love showing off their knowledge of directors like it isn’t the most basic thing you could know about movies, so they’ll tell you facts about David Lynch all day. How cute, it’s like if we bragged about knowing all of Britney’s albums names… how could anyone not already know?! But you’ll let him sound smart in front of you and he’ll love how chill you are.
4. McGregor/Mayweather Fight
Should someone tell the men that watching strong men fight each other doesn’t actually make you stronger yourself? But for whatever reason, guys think staring at muscles will enhance their own, and who are we to break the spell? This fight is coming up on Saturday and it’s the perfect excuse to text him to make casual hang plans. Because even if he’s not that into the fight, you asking him what he’s doing for it will probably make him realize he should be more into it, which will cause him to invite you to watch it together so he can appear stronger in front of you. It’s a win-win for everyone, plus you’ll be able to meet his friends and acquaintances in case things don’t work out and you need a rebound. Chill all around.
5. ‘Bob’s Burgers’
Why do men love cartoons so much? Probably because they don’t want to face the fact that they’re adults and responsible for the future of this world. Regardless, Bob’s Burgers is a funny classic that bros love because it’s got dry humor along with absurd situations and the guy who voices Archer. Plus, it’s what made Kristen Schaal famous, and she’s the only quirky celebrity we can stand.
6. ‘Last Week Tonight’
This show is where men learn how to mansplain the shit out of things they don’t understand to women. If you watch this show you can learn about current events with punchlines built in, so when you’re discussing why prison system is so fucked in America on your 14th date, you can throw in an angle that isn’t just dry preaching. John Oliver keeps his show short enough to keep your attention span, but long enough to get into it in a real way. Guys probably won’t admit that they’ve done little to no research on most of the topics they’re acting like experts on, and you can do the same amount of no work by watching this show.
It’s no secret that I love television. I’m named after a reality TV legend, for fuck’s sake. It’s also no secret that the spring TV schedule usually kinda sucks. During the fall, all our favorites come back and Shonda Rhimes usually has at least one new show with a strong, sexually aware female lead that turns our world upside down. By spring, we’re left with Dancing with the Stars and world’s worst most boring season of The Bachelor. But this year there’s a handful of new shows mixing shit up and taking over our lives. I mean, who needs to go to the gym and work on their summer body anyway? So to make sure you’re not spending your TV time watching The Office reruns on Netflix, here are our seven fave new shows that you need to be watching rn or you can’t sit with us.
1. ‘Big Little Lies’
If you haven’t watched this yet, you’re probably already being excluded from some TV talk sessions with your work besties and you just don’t know it yet. HBO got the the rights to the book and are fucking slaying so hard with the mini-series that even book snobs can’t say shit about “the book being so much better” (vom). It’s about some rich AF moms and their families who have Gretchen Weiners’ hair of secrets and hate each other, but somehow get tied up in a murder at a PTA fundraiser—you know, typical mom shit. It also stars a bunch of betchy actresses like Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman and Zoe Kravitz, so that never hurts. The whole thing is pretty much life goals minus the abuse and homicide. The only downside of this show is you have to deal with Shailene Woodley being around a bunch, but that’s just life in 2017, I guess.
2. ‘The Arrangement’
Ah… An E! scripted series. Who knew they could actually create real TV shows? First they gave us The Royals, and their newest show is more of the same shit: juicy, kind of ridiculous at times, wealthy-famous-people drama. The premise of The Arrangement is that a pretty actress is offered a contract marriage with one of the hottest stars in Hollywood. Seems pretty standard, whatever. Where it gets good is that it’s supposedly based on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ insane relationship that had him jumping on Oprah’s couch like a goddamn lunatic and how the whole thing was arranged by The Church of Scientology. I love a conspiracy theory, but one reenacted by the geniuses that brought us the Kardashians? Sign me right tf up.
3. ‘Z: The Beginning of Everything’
For those of you who read Cliffsnotes for The Great Gatsby in high school and remember thinking “I’d fucks with this life,” then this show is for you. The show tells the tale of Zelda Fitzgerald, the flapper betch who had her husband, F Scott Fitzgerald (ya know, the Gatsby dude) wrapped around her finger. She raised hell and didn’t give a fuck who knew it. And instead of focusing on her famous husband, Z: The Beginning of Everything puts the badass woman who inspired one of the world’s most iconic stories in the spotlight where she belongs. It takes place in the 1920s so there’s lots of glitz and sex and illegal behavior and who doesn’t love that shit? Also, Zelda is played by two enormous eyes that people keep telling me are a human woman named Christina Ricci, and they’re doing a great job.
4. Imposters
You didn’t think I was going to do this whole thing without mention of a Bravo show did you? Lol it’s like y’all don’t know me at all. But for real, this show is fire. Is it exactly like The Catch on ABC? Sure. But it’s better, and don’t any of you argue with me on this because you’re wrong and I’m right. Fucking duh. It’s better because the main girl is the con artist who takes guys for everything they’re worth instead of another asshole dude fucking over a bunch of girls. So yeah, #Feminism. The Bravo version also has Uma Thurman going all Kill Bill and fucking up anyone who messes with the con. Again, #feminism.
5. ‘Riverdale’
I know, I know… The CW gets some love? What’s next? Freeform? But you can’t hate too much because The CW brought us Gossip Girl (RIP). And this show is fucking legit, okay? It’s got all the elements to make a binge-able show. Teen drama, love triangles, a gay best friend, an average person getting all hot and shit over the summer, a teacher-student affair, fucking murder. I mean, what else can you ask for? It’s the Archie comics but like, not lame AF and missing half the pages because your camp friend stored it under her mattress all summer.
6. ‘Feud: Bette and Joan’
Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, two gorgeous famous betches who fucking hate each other. Isn’t that how it goes? No? Weird. We love this FX series for a ton of reasons. 1) Ryan Murphy created it and he’s pretty much a male, slightly more twisted version of Shonda Rhimes in the sense that everything he touches is fucking gold; 2) It’s the story of two legendary actresses who wanted to kill each other on the scene of a movie they filmed; 3) One of those legendary actresses is Joan Crawford, aka the “NO MORE WIRE HANGERS EVER” lady, and 3) Jessica Lange and Susan Sarandon are literal perfection. If that’s not enough for you, then idk what else to say.
7. ‘Twin Peaks’
Tbh, I never saw the original because I was born in the 90s and I was way too young for this shit when it first came out, also my ex wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it so I vowed never to watch. Sorry. But now literally everyone is wigging about the remake and it’s on Showtime so it can’t be bad. When you try and look up the plot, everything is super vague because they’re trying to build the suspense, which I can appreciate, so all I can tell you is that it’s about murder and shit and I love a crime series, especially one with a cult following—even if that cult includes my ex, who fucking sucks.
