Yes, we’ve all noticed that this season of The Bachelor feels off for some reason (*cough* Nick). They even released a huge spoiler that Rachel will be the next Bachelorette and she’s still on the fucking show. What’s up with that, huh? Are all the things wrong with this season just the perfect storm of shittiness, or have the makers of the show just given up? Let’s investigate.
Exhibit A: Nick Viall
When Nick was announced as the Bachelor this season, I figured it was a bad move. (I don’t want to say “I told you so”, but I told you so.) Nick thinks with the wrong head, hence why Corinne is still on the show. And he’s probably shitty in bed, hence why Andi and Kaitlin both dumped him after the fantasy suite. So excuse me if I don’t cum in my pants when he lisps his way through another episode.
We all heard the story of how Luke from JoJo’s season was supposed to be the next Bachelor before producers got too greedy for ratings and told Luke to fuck off and gave Nick the job instead, much to the collective “what the fuck” of America. They thought Nick would bring the drama and the women would be clawing for his attention. If you count Nick’s bitch-ass tears as drama, then that is happening, but I feel like I care more now about what Corinne will say about her vagine and not who Nick is going to give a rose to. Nick sucks. The producers made a bad choice. Admit it and move on.
Exhibit B: The Format
The Bachelor and The Bachelorette used to follow pretty strict guidelines. Roses were handed out at a ceremony; if you got one, you stayed. If you didn’t get one, you walked your ass out of the mansion to cry in the back of a black GMC Yukon. Now it’s like an episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway? where there are no rules and the roses don’t matter. Nick has just been handing out roses left and right and taking them away. He’s sending two people home on two-on-one dates and cancelling cocktail parties. We all know these arbitrary rules aren’t real, but if Nick and ABC aren’t even going to pretend they’re real, what’s the fucking point? I’m surprised there are any women left on the show. Why tease “the most dramatic rose ceremony ever” every episode if even the rose ceremonies are bullshit? I mean, Corinne realized they were pointless and just slept through one with literally no consequences. If that’s not a metaphor, I don’t know what is.
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
Exhibit C: Insane Spoilers
Announcing the new Bachelorette while the woman is still in the running to win the show is a pretty big spoiler. But, let’s be honest, the spoiler train started chugging as soon as social media became a thing. Remember when Kaitlin drunk Snapchatted her and Shawn in bed together while Nick was still on the show? Salt in a wound! So now everyone is following these bachlebrities on Insta and Snapchat hoping someone will spoil the ending (and lose all their endorsements). Also, Reality Steve is a
life-ruiner who ruins people lives huge snitch, so it’s kind of ridiculous to try to keep every detail about the show a secret. These people might as well just tell us the winner because it’s pretty obviously Vanessa, and this way we can stop pretending to care once Corinne gets kicked off.
Exhibit D: The Material
Sure, we joke about phrases like “here for the right reasons” and “not here to make friends”—that’s because they’re so predictable and common it’s hard to not pick up on the joke. Come on producers, come up with some new tropes for us to bitch about. It’s like they have a shitty check list of things that need to appear in the show, and honestly, it’s getting tired. There will always be a villain, a dramatic confession, a “secret” sexual encounter everyone else finds out about, and at least one set of parents on the hometown date that seem really disapproving of the whole process. But this season even the producers knew they were pushing it. The girls knew they couldn’t explicitly accuse Corinne of being “here for the wrong reasons,” as she is the only one who actually seems to be sexually attracted to Nick, so they sent in Taylor to insult her emotional intelligence. It was a cop-out, and we all knew it—another metaphor for this season in general.
So listen, ABC. Guys, ladies, everyone involved in making this show we love: We’re urging you to not just phone it in during Rachel’s season. Recruit some decent dudes, give us some great drama, and for the love of god, stop shoving Nick down our throats. We’re rooting for you. Make The Bachelor Great Again. Or, if you can’t do that:
If you keep this shit up, we give this franchise five more seasons max, and nobody wants that.