An Honest Recap Of ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’

We’ve now been in quarantine for over six weeks, and I’m running out of things to watch. What about Netflix, you say? Ha! I laugh in the face of Netflix. Too Hot to Handle? Done! Tiger King? Obviously. Outer Banks? Duh! You name it, I’ve seen it. So now that I’ve exhausted every option, I’m rewatching old movies that I used to have on repeat. Today’s film? He’s Just Not That Into You, which is one of those movies that has many interconnecting stories and features a plethora of A-listers that never were on set at the same time but wanted an easy paycheck. I’m going to recap it for you here, and friends, if you thought this movie was some sexist bullsh*t in 2009, just you WAIT until you watch it in 2020. 

We open on a playground scene. Baby Ginnifer Goodwin is getting bullied by a little boy, and before you ask, no, I’m not bothering to learn any of these characters’ names, so get used to it. Anyway. Ginnifer’s mom tells her that’s because he likes her. In voiceover, she tells us that for years, our fellow women let us believe this lie that if men are mean to us, it means they’re into us. She says it’s bad advice and just not true. She condemns it! I’ll urge you to bookmark this part right here, because it is the idea upon which the entire movie is built. If he’s mean to you, He’s Just Not That Into You. Remember this moment. 

We’ve moved off the playground and into a bar, as one does. Ginnifer is an adult on a date with Kevin Connolly, who is riding high off his Entourage success. The waitress asks if they’d like another round. Ginny is eager and Kevin hesitantly agrees. What a lucky girl! They leave the date, he kisses her on the cheek, and it is obvious to anyone with eyes that this is going nowhere. 

After they part ways, he immediately calls Scarlett Johansson because he’s just tipsy enough to think maybe she’ll suck his dick. Our heroine, Ginnifer Goodwin, thinks that he is calling her to leave a message. WHAT?! This is where I have to point something out, friends. This movie is not about men not being that into us. It is actually about a very sick individual, Ginnifer, who comes up with fantastical scenarios in her head based on little to no evidence, and who truly needs to be committed. Or should at least be forced to sit in the corner wearing a straitjacket for one hour. I will present my case throughout this recap, and I think by closing statements you’ll all be ready to vote to convict. This is Exhibit A. 

Now we pivot to a grocery store. Scarlett Johansson wins a free cooler and acts like it is her long-lost identical twin sister with whom she has been reunited with after many years of searching. She’s so happy to see this cooler that she cannot contain herself and gives Bradley Cooper, the man in line to check out behind her, a huge hug. I think this is supposed to be a meet-cute? But should meet-cutes make you feel this icky inside? Then they chat outside the Quickchek. 

Bradley Cooper: I can help you with your music career
Me

Oh and what do you know, when Bradley gets into the car his buddy Ben Affleck is waiting for him! At least he has a cheating guru to rely on. 

Ben Affleck then goes home to his girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston. It is now that I start to wonder if we’re in a movie, or is this just the darkest timeline?

Jennifer nags Ben because her little sister is getting married and they are not yet married after many years together. He tells her that “people who get married are not to be trusted.” WHAT?! That’s the best excuse you could come up with? Not “marriage is a sham of an institution”? “We don’t need a piece of paper to prove our love and commitment to one another”? There are so many pages he could have taken out of the “Man Who Doesn’t Want To Get Married But Can’t Stand Being Alone” playbook that would have been at least a little convincing; this one doesn’t even make any sense.

Next, we get a montage of Ginnifer acting absolutely out of her mind after her date with Kevin Connolly. She leaves her flip phone (lol) open during yoga (not how that worked, even back in the early 2000s), tells Jennifer Connelly that she knows where he hangs out, and then we see her at work with Jen C and Jen A (my GOD Jennifer is a popular name), and they are psychoanalyzing her date. Ginny! Just pour some wine in that work mug, get loose, and give him a call! As it turns out, that is what she does, and it also turns out that was some very bad advice. Whoops!

Kevin does not pick up, obviously, and Ginnifer leaves him a voicemail, which I just so happened to find a handy GIF of:

The ways we women will embarrass ourselves for a mediocre white man under 5’7” are truly astounding.

After that disaster, Ginnifer goes to the restaurant that Kevin said he hangs out in and tells the hostess that she is meeting someone! Exhibit B. You are not meeting someone, Ginnifer, you’re stalking. You’re working your way toward a restraining order. This is where she meets Justin Long, who will continue to demean women the entire movie in what I can only assume the director thought was a charming way? 

This is when Justin tells her about “The Rule.” He says, “If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a sh*t, he genuinely doesn’t give a sh*t.” I have no problem with the rule in theory; in fact, I think it’s a good rule and one I tell my friends every time they try to triple-text a guy who doesn’t even watch their Instagram stories. The problem, however, is that the movie spends the next hour and change disproving their own rule. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

So then Ginnifer goes home, eats some mini muffins, and comes to the revelation that if a man cheats on you at the beginning of a relationship, or is otherwise awful, they don’t really care about you at all. That’s all she came up with?! I’ve come up with more profound revelations after chugging two Four Lokos at a frat party my freshman year of college. 

OMG Drew Barrymore and ScarJo are getting pedicures. I dream of the day I can do that again. My feet do not belong to me anymore. My feet belong to Gollum. Anyway. ScarJo tells Drew about how she wants to pursue a married man (Bradley Cooper). Drew tells her about a homewrecker she knows who got a happy ending, so ScarJo should go for it! Reader, this is bad advice. 

Bradley Cooper shuts ScarJo down, having not heard the story of the happy homewrecker, I guess. So Scarlett goes right to Kevin Connolly’s house for a foot rub and some compliments. This might be the one realistic aspect of the entire movie.

Now Jennifer Aniston goes home and picks a fight with Ben Affleck about the marriage thing. She says to him, “I need you to stop being nice to me unless you’re going to marry me after.” How funny, I use that exact line on all my first dates. I think you all can understand why I’m still single now, huh?

Jen asks Ben if he’s ever going to marry her. He doesn’t answer. It’s okay, Jen! In 2020 he’ll be parading around LA without a mask and calling the paparazzi to take his picture during a global pandemic, so I promise you won’t regret walking out! 

Bradley Cooper then calls ScarJo back. He apologizes for not wanting to cheat on his wife earlier, he’s ready now. They make a plan to meet up at his office to “talk about her career.”

Meanwhile, Ginnifer is at happy hour. She meets a guy. She gives him her number, he gives her his, and then he says he looks forward to hearing from her. Instead of playing it cool, Ginnifer immediately chases him out and interrogates him like she is Carrie Mathison trying to figure out the mole. This is Exhibit C

ScarJo goes to Bradley Cooper’s office and asks him why he is married. God, Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re married! He said that he and Jennifer Connelly dated in college and then she gave him an ultimatum that they get married or break up. What a beautiful love story! Can I submit it to The Way We Met? Then he paces around his office telling her that she’s hot. I will say, the writers really nailed the lines for dudes that like to cheat on their significant others, because I’ve never once had a man with a partner that’s attempting to pursue me text that he loves my personality. 

And now the very unstable Ginnifer is taping the card, which she ripped up, of happy hour dude back together so that she can call him. I guess she’s really looking forward to some less-than-mediocre conversation where he talks about his high salary before he makes her split the check, falls asleep on top of her after two pumps, and then texts her the next day asking if she’s on birth control

Instead, she calls Justin Long because she needs someone to emotionally slap her across the face. 

That’ll do the trick!

Now Ginnifer is on a different date and making out with a guy on his couch. He tells her he’s leaving tomorrow so he’ll be out of touch for a little bit. Better have sex tonight! It’s at this point that I’ve got to wonder how this woman presumably made it to adulthood in one piece being so naive. She goes to the bathroom to call Justin Long for advice. He tells her that she needs to go home, this guy is a liar, and doesn’t like her. He also tells her to take her time in the bathroom and make him sweat. WHAT IS THAT ADVICE?! Make him think you have bowel troubles and you’re just sh*tting uncontrollably in his bathroom? Just leave! You don’t have to make him think your IBS is flaring up just to get out of f*cking him! This is Exhibit D.

Bradley Cooper and Ben Affleck go boating. Bradley tells Ben that no guy actually wants to get married. And if they do, all they can think about is all the girls they’re going to miss out on. Wow, I didn’t know that trash was physically capable of sailing a boat.

Our favorite maniac, Ginnifer, goes to meet up with Justin Long and a friend he is setting her up with. His friend doesn’t show because Justin “mixed up the dates”, so instead he spends the whole evening telling her that women are dramatic, she’s pathetic like a basset hound (don’t you drag innocent puppies into this, Justin!!) and that if a girl doesn’t like him he just finds another girl with smaller pores and bigger implants. Wait, what? You judge your date on the size of their pores? No one should be taking this man’s advice.

Now we’re at ScarJo’s apartment and Bradley is there, and I guess they just had sex. Did I miss something? I mean, I did zone out for about 90 seconds to reevaluate all the life decisions that lead me to what is clearly the Bad Place, so maybe I missed a transition of some kind. Or perhaps this movie really is that clunky. Either could be true!

Ginnifer is sitting on her couch with her landline next to her. Is this 2009 or is this 1999? Because in 2009 I legit had my third iPhone. 2009 was the future! Justin Long calls and invites her to his party, where I can only assume they will be watching movies they rented from Blockbuster, playing on Tamagotchis, and listening to Pearl Jam. 

Then the next day, she goes to work and she tells all her friends that Justin Long is into her because he… *checks notes*… invited her to his party. Exhibit E. 

Justin, probably:

She’s also convinced that Justin mixing up the dates for his friend wasn’t actually a mistake, he has no friend named Bill, and that he just wanted to go out with her. So the man that has advocated for being upfront this entire movie, albeit in a pretty dickish way, is trying to mind trick her into going on a date? Now I’m not just concerned about her mental capacity, I also think she needs hearing aids. But I’m the only skeptical one here, because she convinces the Jennifers at work it’s true. Idiots abound!

Now we’re at Home Depot with Jennifer Connelly and Bradley Cooper. Jen and Brad are fighting over hardwood floors. She says fake wood is a liar and she doesn’t like that it’s pretending to be real wood. What a metaphor! It’s so profound, Bradley tells her he cheated on her. And then he’s basically like, “so I guess you hate me, I’m gonna move out so I can f*ck ScarJo in peace.” But then she tells him not to move out, and he somehow gets roped into staying together. I feel like this conversation about the state of their marriage probably should have been longer and not conducted next to thousands of tiny little shiplap samples, but ok.

Now we’re at this party. Ginnifer is snacking and telling people that something is going to happen between her and Justin and that she is “more than a guest.” Justin asks Ginnifer for some help and she asks “kind of like co-hosting?” This is Exhibit F. It is here that I must say I do not know any single women that would ever act this way. We just don’t happen to have boyfriends, we’re not deranged. I feel like this movie is really painting us in a false light. Also, nobody goes to a party wanting to host, that’s just extra work. 

After the party is over, Ginnifer cleans up Justin’s entire apartment while he plays video games with a Blake Lively look-alike. They couldn’t get the actual Blake for this movie? They sprung for everyone else. Ginnifer says that it’s 3am, so the Blake-a-like leaves. Ginnifer lingers. Justin tells her he has to go to bed, clearly blowing her off, and so naturally she jumps him. She says she thinks they are in a relationship (Exhibit G; at this point, I fully expect to make it to the end of the alphabet and then into some numbers), and he reiterates that he told her if a guy is into a girl he would make it happen. He calls her insane (fair) and they get into a big fight and she finally goes home, which probably involves getting on a spaceship to whatever foreign planet she lives on.

That scene was the most horrifying thing that has been on my TV in years, and I fall asleep to Dateline every Friday night. And the writers really got it wrong. Sure, sometimes women and men start out as friends and end up dating. I mean, it’s never happened to me, but I’ve heard about it on the internet! But I just don’t think that after Justin telling her all this time that a guy would make it happen if he’s interested, that she would just throw herself at him when he’s not even acting interested. He’d rather play Call of Duty than acknowledge her presence! This would never happen.

Now we’re at the office, and Jennifer Connelly is telling Ginnifer that Bradley Cooper is cheating on her. She says she needs to take responsibility because she forced him into getting married and now she’s not fun anymore. And that they never have sex anymore. Ginnifer tells Jennifer that it is not her fault (yes, that sentence killed me inside too). This is the only not insane thing Ginnifer has said this whole movie, and I am proud of her brief moment of clarity. I mean, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

OH NO, THIS SCENE. Bradley Cooper has Scarlett in his office and her positive career meeting is making them hornier than the idea of losing $20,000 is to those kids on Too Hot To Handle. They start to get frisky in his office when his wife shows up! He shoves Scarlett in the closet, screws his wife, and she leaves. That office has an awful lot of windows for the amount of sex going on it, but who am I to judge?

Scarlett comes out of the closet and tells Bradley he’s a disgusting excuse for a man. But like, you knew he was married? And you were about to do the same thing with him? 

ScarJo is sad after being forced to listen to Bradley Cooper’s muffled grunts and Jennifer Connelly’s unenthused heavy breathing, so she calls up Kevin Connolly and finally lets him bang her again. She says she wants to be with him, but as we zoom in on her cold, empty eyes in the middle of the night, her face reveals the truth. Once again, this plot line is the only one in the whole film that captures the truth. 

Jennifer Connelly goes back to her house and realizes that Bradley Cooper has been lying to her all along. She smashes a mirror, which is foolish because it means seven years of bad luck! But I guess she did have to be married to a dude who picks up mistresses at the bodega for the last seven years, so maybe she’s already done her penance.

Jennifer Aniston and Ben get back together and she says she doesn’t need to get married, he just needs to let her eat Wheat Thins in bed. Amen, sister! But maybe dream bigger. Eat a four-course meal in bed. Beds are the new tables! I mean all of that hypothetically of course, haven’t done it myself lately, no way. 

Kevin Connolly takes ScarJo to visit a house and he says he wants to buy it. Well, that escalated quickly. She can no longer hide her disgust for him and dumps him. I hope he can get that deposit back! 

Bradley comes back to his house and finds his sh*t nicely packed and left on the stairs. Wow. If neatly folding your cheating spouse’s items as a way of telling them you want a divorce is not the sign of a sociopath, I don’t know what is. 

Ginnifer gets back from her date with Bill. So Bill does exist!  Justin Long knocks on her door. He tells her he fell for her and he kisses her. He tells her she is the exception to the rule. WHAT? You mean to tell me that the 120 minutes this movie just spent telling me that women are the rule and not the exception is actually completely going back on its word?! I AM SHOOK. 

AND THEN! Ben Affleck proposes to Jennifer Aniston. She is also the exception! I’m suing for my time back and emotional distress.

Finally, we cut to ScarJo singing a sad song in a bar and wearing ostentatious red lipstick, obviously to remind us that homewreckers end up alone. Bradley Cooper is back at the Quickchek buying beer, and Jennifer Connelly moves into a new house to begin a new life with an unsmashed mirror. 

This part of the movie is where I really lose it. It just spent HOURS telling us that if a man is mean to you, he doesn’t like you. And then in 30 seconds it dismantles that entire premise with the equivalent of a “jk lol” text. While I know I shouldn’t expect too much out of a movie whose script was clearly written on the back of a napkin, I can’t help but think that this sends a horrible message to us single women around the world. He doesn’t act into you, but he really is (Ginnifer!), he says he won’t marry you but then he does (Jennifer!), I’m confused. Do I believe what men say, or do I not? In fact, the only single woman that seems remotely real to me, the one who is enticed by a hot married man, and dates a guy she doesn’t actually like because she wants to be loved, is the only woman who gets an ending that seems sad and hopeless. But she’s the only woman who even partially understands the message of “he’s just not that into you.” The movie actually punishes the idea it presents. They should have just called it He’s Definitely Into You: How To Snag A Lying Liar Who Doesn’t Want To Get Married.

We end with Ginnifer finally co-hosting a party, and telling us in voiceover to “never, ever give up hope that you’ll find love.” Sure! That, or you could just beat a man down into loving out in what can only be some form of Stockholm Syndrome!

I hope you all enjoyed reminiscing as much as I did, now I’m off to text the dude who was rude to me at Shop Rite yesterday. He totally wants it.

Images: Netflix; Giphy (5)

The Spookiest TV Shows & Movies Coming To Netflix In October

It’s Halloween betches, and it’s time to get spooky AF. Netflix is adding to the festivities with the scariest TV shows and movies—’tis the season for sleeping with the lights on and double locking all your doors. There’s no better way to get in the spirit of Halloween than living in darkness with only your laptop screen as a light source. This is also the perfect excuse to ditch any and all Halloween related celebrations. More time for you to spend doing what you do best­—sitting. Which BTW, can get pretty f*cking frightening. Just look into my dead, lifeless eyes wasting my life away because yes, it’s hour 30 and I am still here, Netflix.

‘Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’ – October 26

From the f*cked minds that brought you Riverdale comes another childhood ruining series. Sh*t gets dark and twisty when our girl Sabrina hits her 16th birthday. Unlike the stars of My Super Sweet Sixteen, Sab doesn’t get a party with a horse-drawn carriage entrance. Instead, she gets to choose between becoming a demon with her whole witch family or like, being a normal human. Sounds like one hell of a birthday to me!

‘The Haunting of Hill House’ – October 12

Haunted houses are nothing new for Halloween, but this one certainly takes the cake. Based on a 1959 novel by Shirley Jackson, this show takes us through the lives of the Crain family. Hugh and Liv Crain are parents to five kids living in Hill House, a home haunted by ghost-like creatures. The storyline bounces between the current lives of the family, struggling with the trauma from their past, and the stories of the creatures that haunted them. Good luck with this one, I got nightmares from the trailer alone.

‘Creeped Out’ – October 4

Netflix has this horror series rated as kid-friendly. IDK about you, but the ghost episode of Zoey 101 (The Curse of PCA, in case you’re wondering) was scary for me as a child (or maybe still now), so WTF is coming out of this that’s less terrifying? The series is an anthology, all narrated by a mysterious masked figure called “The Curious”. While every episode is different, there are some subtle links that bring the entire series together—and apparently, they’re creepy AF.

‘The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell’ – October 12

Netflix’s latest addition to their plethora of food series is like if Martha Stewart went goth (which I would low-key love to see). Christine McConnell is taking her Insta fame out of the ‘Gram and onto the laptop screen with her own baking show. Known for her creepy cakes and f*cking terrifying photos, the author of Deceptive Desserts shows us all what she does best: making treats that look too scary to eat. That’s one way to trick yourself into a diet.

‘Haunted’ – October 19

Have you ever seen a ghost? And before you try me, no, bugging out when you’re high and seeing your dead dog doesn’t count. This series is about everyday humans experiencing paranormal or supernatural events that still haunt them. Brought to you by the executive producers of The Purge franchise and Lore, this series is sure to make you overanalyze every movement of the wind and flicker of the lights.

‘The Shining’ – October 1

Creepy twins, sketchy hotels, and metaphors—oh my! ‘The Shining’ is a classic sh*t-your-pants horror film, but IDK what’s scarier about this movie: the ax murderer or the film students who analyze every breath Jack Nicholson takes. You decide. If you haven’t seen this movie, it’s based on Stephen King’s 1977 novel of the same title and is probably one of the creepiest films in existence. Would recommend watching this with friends, and then, probably having them guard your bathroom door while you shower.

‘Malevolent’ – October 5

A brother-sister duo decides an excellent business plan is to scam people who are grieving by pretending they know how to talk to the dead. This movie is like what would happen if the Long Island Medium turned out to be a fake. Sh*t gets weird when they go for a reading at an orphanage (red flag one) where a murder took place (red flag two). Basically, the ghosts were like “you want to talk with us B*TCH? Well, now you get to. For eternity.” But I’m sure it’s a lot scarier than that.

‘Apostle’ – October 12

An ex-priest returns to his long-lost daddy’s house to find out that his sister has been kidnapped by a religious cult *gasp*. Turns out, this cult likes to sacrifice people and drill into heads—so some really fun party games here—so obvs ex-priest has to go try and save his sister. The cult is on a remote island, so this movie is for sure full of that type of horror where you scream and no one can hear you. Apparently, this movie is really gory featuring some sh*t swimming, arm cutting, and human meat grinding. Perhaps watch this one on an empty stomach.

‘Truth or Dare’ – October 3

This isn’t your average slumber party. A legit psychopath kidnaps four teens while they’re chilling in Mexico to make them play a dark-ass version of truth or dare. Every time a truth or dare presents itself, everyone’s faces get super warped and they start to look like a freaky Snapchat filter. There’s also a big risk in not doing said tasks—you could die. So the stakes are high, people. The tasks range from breaking someone’s hand to coming out to the grand finale: killing people. This whole thing seems like a lose-lose situation.
Do you love scary sh*t like crime, cults, conspiracy theories? We’re launching Not Another True Crime podcast on October 1! Follow us on Instagram at @natcpod for details.

Images: Giphy (3); Unsplash/Victoria Heath

The 70th Annual Emmy Awards Recap: Hollywood Loves Itself

Hello all! Last night was “the biggest night in television” (no, not the Super Bowl), the 70th Annual Emmy Awards. It’s the night that Hollywood pats itself on the back for adapting books creating innovative and thought-provoking TV. So basically like the Dundies, but not at Chili’s and Steve Carell is only there sometimes. Lots of your favorite shows and people were nominated, even though I looked it up and unfortunately they couldn’t legally give all the awards to Law & Order: SVU. So here we are. Since I’m sure you all watched very attentively, I’ve broken this recap into sections instead of transcribing the entire blessed event. If you’d like a full transcript, I’m sure you can find it in Colin Jost’s sad, handwritten book entry from last night. Let’s do it.

The Hosts/The Opening

The show opens with Kate McKinnon and Kenan Thompson, and I’m immediately wondering if the hosting duties were passed off to them. Might be a better show! Instead of hosting, they naturally burst into a song called “We Solved It,” where they mock the fact that Hollywood is so proud of the limited strides they’ve made in diversity. They’re joined by people including Kristen Bell, Tituss Burgess, Sterling K. Brown, RuPaul, and Andy Samberg in the role of “sad straight white boy”.

I appreciate the song because it’s probably the most self-aware that Hollywood is going to get all night. Although, is the joke with Aidy Bryant pretending to harass Milo Ventimiglia a little awkward? Not saying I wouldn’t do it, but maybe not on TV? And considering the amount of actual sexual misconduct that goes on in Hollywood, perhaps it’s a little distasteful. Let’s ask Terry Crews!

The hosts finally come on stage and look visibly relieved that other people have killed 10 minutes for them. Only 2 hours and 50 minutes to go, guys! You’re doing amazing, sweeties! Hosts Michael Che and Colin Jost look very handsome in their tuxedos (those are tuxes, right? I know nothing about men’s suits so DON’T @ ME). I don’t know much about them in general since I’m usually already asleep out partying when SNL comes on. What I do know is that Scarlett Johansson has finally let Colin out of the friend zone, and that one time I saw my friend Jocelyn comment fire emojis on Michael Che’s Instagram, and she knows comedy.

The whole monologue is basically  70% Roseanne jokes and 30% calling out the diverse nominees. I have a feeling this diversity conversation is going to be the main theme of the show, at least until they start giving the awards to all the white people.

The best part of the monologue is clearly when the camera pans to Chrissy Teigen (Tie-gen), who visibly recoils. That will be good for about a week of memes.

The world is Chrissy, Chrissy is all of us.

I do appreciate that Michael and Colin finish up the monologue and jump right into announcing the awards. At this rate I can be asleep by 11pm, thank god.

The Winners

So now let’s move on to who won the award show, literally and metaphorically.

The presenters/the audience. At first I was confused by the fact that the nominees were announced before the presenters even came out. I felt like I was taking crazy pills! But, as the show was wrapping up on time, I came to appreciate the fact that I didn’t have to listen to a C-list TV star stumble through Nikolaj Coster-Waldau’s name for 15 seconds. But yes, it did feel a little like I was having a stroke every time they did it.

Alex Borstein. BRAS ARE THE ENEMY! And she knows it. When Alex went up to accept her award for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, she proudly marched on stage without that straitjacket for the chest we all call an undergarment. Now, I’m not saying I wanted to see her nipples, but if her nipples wanted to see us, we should have let them. Another round of applause for Mrs. Ungermeyer from The Lizzie McGuire Movie having a f*cking Emmy.

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Y’all, Amy Sherman-Palladino CLEANED UP last night. She won for Writing, Directing, and Outstanding Comedy Series, and she did it all while dressed as Britney Murphey’s character in Drop Dead Gorgeous. Hooray! I always want my Gilmore Girls crew to go on to great things! Plus, she said she’s going to put her Emmys in her panic room and now I know we need to be friends because I’m in the market for one of those. (Talk to me about conspiracy theories, fellas, I’m very stable.) She also called her husband the “Sid to my Nancy,” and her “consigliere” which makes me wonder if she was trying to send a subliminal message that her husband might kill her? Again, come to me for all your conspiracy theory needs.

Angela Bassett. Did you guys see Angela Bassett last night? She looked like a flawless angel who lives in an Instagram filter. She is SIXTY!! And damn it, she looks better than us all. She must have learned some tricks when she played a VooDoo priestess on American Horror Story, because there is clearly witchcraft at work here. Angela, if you’re reading this, drop your skin care regimen. But maybe take one look at Rachel Brosnahan’s name before announcing the winners? Just sayin’. 

Leslie Jones. Leslie got to be a part of the best presenting duo with RuPaul, she was visibly shocked and delighted by the surprise proposal, and was SO vocal and supportive when Regina King won. I would watch an entire TV show that’s just Leslie Jones reacting to things. Tbh, that would probably be more entertaining than the Emmys. Isn’t that basically what SNL is nowadays?

Cute Couples. Um can we all take a minute to appreciate that Matthew Rhys’ accent ups his hotness factor by like, a lot? I’m obsessed. Plus, I love that he and Keri Russell are a couple and that she told him if he proposed she’ll “punch me clean in the mouth.”

Sandra Oh-My-God. Sandra may not have won her category (boo), but she brought her adorable parents to the ceremony with her. Her mom is a STAR, and when we saw her whispering to Sandra during Claire Foy’s speech I imagine she was saying “you’re still my person,” or maybe telling her she’s a big disappointment. Either way, her presence was appreciated. 

The Losers

Ted Danson. It is CRIMINAL that Ted is the only one who got nominated from The Good Place. I’m basically just using this space as my plea to all of you to watch that amazing, hilarious, and creative show and that we all collectively find a way to give D’Arcy Carden an award soon. Anyway, Ted’s still a winner in my book. Take me to the Bad Place, Ted! I’ll go there willingly with you.

The Maya Rudolph/ Fred Armisen bit. What WAS that? I feel like there were a lot of useless time wasters in this show, and this was definitely one of them. If you’re going to use Maya Rudolph, please do better, and DON’T dress her up as an American Girl Doll from the 1600s. Homegirl looked like Annabelle. Maya is a treasure and she should be treated as such.

Betty White. I mean, we all love Betty White, but once again I ask: what WAS that? I don’t think they gave her an award, unless I missed something? This was another time waster. When they were storyboarding the Emmys, did some drunk producer just say “This is where we’ll bring out Betty White and let her riff off script,” and everyone was too tired to argue? It’s the only thing that makes sense.  

Will Ferrell. Another time waster! “Will, we have 10 more minutes on this telecast, and only two awards to give out. STALL!”

The announcers. Why didn’t they announce when winners were coming up on stage how many times the person had been nominated and how many times they had won? I like to know who is a first-timer and who is a greedy motherf*cker. Is that too much to ask?

The OMG

The proposal! Leave it to the guy that directed The Oscars to know what will make a good show. Glenn Weiss got up there and shot his shot. Men, take notes. And whoever directed last night’s Emmys needs to be sending Glenn an edible arrangement or something today. And the kind with chocolate covered strawberries, not the cheap stuff.

Hannah Gadsby. In the 30 seconds or so that Hannah had to present, she hilariously summed up how women are feeling right now. Her take was pitch perfect. Michael & Colin WISH they were this funny. Netflix is about to see an absurd increase in Nanette viewings starting today.

Final Thoughts

Guys, is The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel really that good? I never watched it based on my mother’s poor review, but I’ve been noticing lately she only likes “good, clean fun,” so maybe I should be looking elsewhere for recommendations? Let me know what you all think if you watched!

All in all, the show was mercifully short and light on Justin Timberlake, which is really all I can ask for in an awards show. Thanks for reading!

Images: Giphy (5)

The Best TV Shows & Movies Coming To Netflix This July

“I have got to get my life together. This heat made me realize I can’t go to hell” — a Tweet I read on my feed yesterday and I honestly couldn’t relate more. Unless my friends are willing to quite literally drag me out the door, I’m staying in, because no other force can make me voluntarily expose myself to 100 degrees of summer. Not anymore. Instead, I’ll be in my bed, my AC cranked to winter temperatures, indulging in all the new Netflix shows and movies welcomed to the website this month. And since y’all are lucky and I am nice, here’s a list of some of the best TV shows and movies to watch on Netflix this July.

‘The Sinner’ Season 1

This show is a crime drama mystery based on an international bestseller, so you know it’s good. Jessica Biel plays the creepy af lead, Cora. The show starts off with Biel just randomly stabbing a man she’s never met before at a beach full of witnesses, in broad daylight. Umm Jessica, I sympathize with you because I get that can be tempting, but if we all just stabbed men as we please, you know a lot of us would be in jail by now, right? The season revolves around detectives trying to figure out why Cora killed the random man by delving into her past to find shocking secrets and emotional trauma. As the New York Times puts it, the show basically hits the sweet spot between “smart pulp and arty melodrama”.

‘Orange Is The New Black’ Season 6

Everything is about to change this season. Just watch the trailer if you don’t believe me. As Carrie says, all you’ll have yourself asking is, “What the fuck is happening??” For those of you living under the most unschooled rock, Orange Is The New Black is based on Piper Kerman’s memoir, Orange Is The New Black: My Year In A Women’s Prison, about her experiences at a minimum security federal prison. Season 6 is set to come out July 27, if you aren’t caught up already, you better get to it because a) hello? The badass all-women cast and b) the show was declared Netflix’s most-watched original series.

Orange is the New Black

‘Shameless’ Season 8

This show probably has the most fucked-up family dynamics. In fact, it’s so fucked up that when you watch it, you feel like your family is all normal and shit—yea, rare. This American comedy-drama is based on the British series of the same name, but honestly, the American one is so much better. What I really like about this show is that although the unfortunate circumstances that this dysfunctionally shameless family endures are somewhat exaggerated and quite frankly, fucking insane, the relationships and emotions involved are very real and relatable. Also, why would you wanna miss any chance to see Paul Abbott aka Lip Gallagher aka the only man on earth to make smoking cigarettes look hot af??

‘Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee’ Season 10

One car. Two comedians. And some coffee. In the show, Jerry Seinfeld goes out in his flashy new car (a different one each time) for some coffee and conversation with another comedian. Steinfeld basically sells the show on the fact that we already have plenty to do in our lives, so the show doesn’t wanna take time away from that. That’s actually pretty genius of a sales pitch imo because although in reality, I don’t really have plenty to do daily, with Steinfeld saying that, I like to feel like I do—it makes me feel more important and productive, ya know? There are already plenty of shows we watch that are more complicated (Handmaid’s Tale, anyone??) and require a relatively longer attention span, but this one doesn’t. The episodes are literally just 14 minutes long. Out July 6, this season’s star-studded lineup includes Ellen DeGeneres, Kate McKinnon, and Alec Baldwin, among others.                                      

‘Samantha!’

This is a Netflix original Brazilian comedy series about a child star, Samantha,whose needs are simple: fame, adoration, and an exclamation point after her name. Relatable. The show revolves around the notion that when the world brings you down, you climb back up. Samantha comes up with various harebrained schemes to get herself back into the spotlight, the one she had as a child. Attention-seeker much? Ring a bell? Guilty.

‘The Princess Diaries’

The Princess Diaries is really the comfort food of all chick flicks. We’ve all seen it already, but this is one of those movies that’s just good to have available on Netflix, especially for July summer nights when you need to put a halt to the heavy drinking and look for something chill to do with your girls. The over-the-top princess life of Mia Thermopolis (Anne Hathaway) is reassuring to watch, because with what’s going on within the political sphere of this country, an escape into a fairy tale lifestyle can feel quite refreshing.

‘Her’

This movie has quite a few genres mixed into one and when you see it, you’ll understand why. Her is a romantic sci-fi drama that is about a man who develops a relationship and falls in love with his computer operating system, who is played by Scarlett Johansson. I’d generally question this behavior, but it’s fucking Scarlett Johansson. Amy Adams says in the movie, “Love is a form of socially acceptable insanity”—which firstly, true—except the kind of love between the man and the voice isn’t exactly socially acceptable, yet it is as fine as any other romance, which is what makes the unravelling of this story so great.

‘Jurassic Park’, ‘The Lost World: Jurassic Park’, ‘Jurassic Park III’

This one’s kind of a three-in-one deal. And of course, Netflix cleverly decided to bring these into the website in July because it’s the perfect time to revisit the original story of the cloned dinosaurs in a theme park terrorizing humans, before seeing the 2018 Jurassic World: The Fallen Kingdom (in 3D!!). It’s honestly just really great marketing, but I’m not complaining because the gory dinosaur movie franchise was the epitome of my childhood horror movie existence. These movies are a classic, hence a must watch.

‘I, Tonya’

If you didn’t get your ass to the theatre to witness Margot Robbie’s incredible performance in this movie, you’re in luck, because it’s finally on Netflix. I, Tonya is a nonfictional film based on the life of figure skater Tonya Harding. Tonya was the first American woman to complete a triple axel during a competition, but her life completely changed when she got associated with the attacks made on her rival, Nancy Kerrigan. It was Tonya’s ex-husband who conspired to make those attacks, but due to the immense scandal that followed, Tonya was forced to withdraw from the national championship. I know, you really can’t make this stuff up. The film includes interviews with the characters in a mockumentary-style.

‘Blue Valentine’

Ryan Gosling. Michelle Williams. Yeah, you should be tempted to watch this movie for the cast alone. Blue Valentine is a romantic drama that follows a married couple, Dean and Cindy, for six years as they fall in and out of love. Idk about you, but this falling in and out of love is very relatable and high school nostalgic for me. Interesting fact: the two actually moved in together to prepare for their roles and to get into the headspace of the characters, and I must say, that really paid off. Watch the film and you’ll see for yourself.

Images: Giphy (5)

We Asked A ‘Bachelor’ Contestant Everything You Want To Know About The First Night

The premiere of The Bachelor was a few weeks ago, but that’s still the only episode I’ve seen this season. As I was watching, I had a lot of questions. Like, how come some of the girls get these cool intros and some of them show up with a little plastic penis? Is there a hair and makeup person on set to give everybody the same barrel curls? Well, we reached out to Amber (you know, the girl from Denver who got eliminated on night one), to ask her a few questions, and here’s what she was allowed to tell us had to say.

Are you responsible for your own wardrobe, hair and makeup?

Yes, you are responsible for your own wardrobe but the first night they have professional hair and makeup artists to help us out.

How much do you think girls spend on wardrobe throughout the season? I imagine all those rose ceremony dresses would get expensive.

I know some girls spent hundreds of dollars just on their night one dresses, I got mine for $70 from Missguided. Packing for up to two months when you don’t know where you’ll be going is very tricky. I tried to work with what I already had but I also bought a lot of new dresses for all those rose ceremonies I didn’t make it to haha! I made sure not to over spend and kept the tags on the new things juuuust in case.

Do you regret going on the show? Is there anything you would have done differently if given another chance?

It’s a very surreal and unique experience and I would say that it is probably not for everyone. If you are thinking of trying it I think it’s best to go in with completely open mind and not too many expectations. I put so much on hold and had to do so much to prepare before I left that I was really invested in the idea of being there for the long haul, which made leaving early even more disappointing. The first night is super stressful but it’s a lot of fun getting to know all of the other girls. You have to be prepared that no matter what you will get some haters and internet trolls making fun of you so make sure you have a thick skin and can laugh at yourself.

If I had a chance to redo it I probably would do some things different. I definitely would have planned something more special for my one on one time with him. I wanted to have a nice, casual conversation but I think it’s better to be extreme in that scenario. Bring gifts, plan a get to know each other game, anything that will stand out! 

We talk more shit about The Bachelor on The Betchelor podcast, which you should defs listen to. Follow Amber on Instagram at @everyonceinastyle!

6 ‘Bachelor’ Predictions Based Off Last Night’s Premiere

There is a lot you can learn about what the producers want you to think of a Bachelor season from its first episode and subsequent three minute season preview. Like, how many episodes do we get until the cast is all blondes under 30, or which hotel chain is sponsoring this season’s travel. And last night was no different. If you were too hungover from your NYE celebrations to watch, read our full recap, but if you are looking for a breakdown of what we think is going to happen this season based solely on heavily edited segments and the womens’ cocktail dress choices, read on.

Btw, I am not a Reality Steve reader because fuck spoilers, and I have no franchise adjacent leakers (Alexis did like one of my Instagram posts once though, and it was one of my best moments from 2017). But, I am a seasoned Bachelor viewer and have correctly identified at least one winner on episode one—so my predictions are sound.

1. Chelsea Is The Villain

This bitch made one of the most villainous moves since the re-interruption of Nick’s season: going in for a second conversation with Arie when some of the girls hadn’t even spoken to him once. How dare she. The previews show her using her single parent status as an excuse for being a shit person, so that looks exciting. But her Olivia vibe is so strong (like legit, are they related?) that I see her going out the same way: dumped on the mid season two-on-one date while she’s ugly crying on a beach. 

Chelsea And Olivia

2. Bekah M. Is BFFs With One Of The Producers

Who do you think got her that kick-ass vintage car for her entrance? Plus, she’s already doing some in-the-moment shit talking and asking producer-planted questions like “didn’t you say you got interrupted early, that doesn’t seem fair.” It looks like she makes it to the international travel phase, so the producers will get some great one-liners and she will likely have a successful Bachelor in Paradise/Instagram modeling career.

Bekah M Bachelor

3. Arie Isn’t Terrible

I, like the rest of America, could not have been less excited about this year’s Bachelor pick. But tbh, he’s like totally fine, and seems to be capable of formulating full sentences. Plus he is way better than boring Ben Higgins and all-around meh of a man Nick Viall. Do I still wish it was Peter? Yes. But am I going to hate him as much as I thought I would? Maybe not. 

4. ABC Had A Large Travel Budget

The season preview shows them going to Machu Picchu, Paris, Tuscany, and somewhere with a lot of sand. So clearly they got some quality travel sponsorships and realized that America is awful and they should gtfo. But the real question still remains: which city will prove to be the perfect place to fall in love? Oh wait nvm, it’s all of them—according to The Bachelor, every city is the perfect place to fall in love.

The Bachelor

5. Someone’s Ex Shows Up

The producers are really trying to play this up in the season preview, but it obviously happens while they are still at the mansion.  And honestly, they could have done a better job at cutting in images of Arie crying if they really wanted us to believe it had an impact on the show’s outcome. My guess is it happens week three, the ex is coming for one of the Laurens, and no one gives a shit.

6. These Girls Will Be Boring AF

Nobody got drunk on night one (huge disappointment), the most creative limo entrance involved a toy weiner (lame), and everyone appears to have a real job. What the fuck, ABC—who are we supposed to make fun of? I mean, Bibiana’s name is ridiculous, but we can only take that so far. Ugh, I miss Corinne.

Make America Corinne Again

Read: Who Will Win ‘The Bachelor’ Based Off The Contestants’ Instagrams
 
Luann De Lesseps Allegedly Tried To Jump Out Of A Moving Car

The holidays are a time that’s all about giving, and the story behind Luann de Lesseps’ arrest last weekend just keeps on giving. Earlier this week, we got all the juicy details about why she got arrested, but it turns out Luann wasn’t done with the crazy shit once she got in the police car.

The official police report about the case contains the new information that Luann allegedly fucking slipped out of her handcuffs and tried to escape from the police car. Countess Luann de Houdini is iconic, and she is not here to play around. We’re seriously dying at the mental image of a wasted Luann trying to escape from the back of a moving police car, and there needs to be a movie of this someday.

The report also states that they allegedly had to stop the car and take Luann out to get her back into the handcuffs, which is when she allegedly threatened to kill the officers (for the second time, not like we’re keeping track), and tried to hold the door open with her foot. Luann was on a fucking mission Saturday night, and she usually gets what she wants.

Obviously the police officers were eventually able to get her in the car and back to the station, but she didn’t go easily. Seriously, Bravo must be rewriting her contract for more money right now, because Andy Cohen couldn’t come up with this shit in his wildest dreams.

The Story Behind Luann De Lesseps’ Arrest Is Literally Unbelievable

Okay, listen up, we’ve got major shit to talk. Remember yesterday how we told you Countess Luann had a sloppy-ass Christmas Eve in Palm Beach and got arrested and shit went down? Well, we’ve got all the details now, and the story is literally unbelievable. Like, as in, I had to read this shit three times to make sure I understood the storyline happening here. Buckle up, Betches.

Over the weekend, Luann was staying at the Colony Hotel in Palm Beach. Luann was registered to be in Room 327, but the drama all started when she was found Saturday night in Room 407. AKA not the room she was supposed to be in. She went into the room with a random dude who still hasn’t been identified, and a security guard found them in bed and told them they needed to leave.

After that didn’t work so well, the security guard came back with two police officers. When they arrived, mystery dude was gone (but not forgotten, RIP mystery dude), but Luann was still there with her friend Julie Olson. They were both obviously v drunk and the cops told them to leave. Julie listened like a good nicegirl, but Luann took a more dramatic route and locked herself in the bathroom. When the cops finally used a key to unlock the door, Luann slammed it in one of the officers’ faces and shoved him in the chest. Yikes.

That was enough to get arrested, and then she also yelled that she was going to fucking kill everyone as she was brought to the police station. We thought we had seen Luann at rock bottom, but this is most definitely not Countess behavior.

On Tuesday, Luann broke her silence about the incident, releasing a statement that’s peak Real Housewives drama: “This was my first time in Palm Beach since my wedding, and being here brought up long-buried emotions. I want to offer my sincere apologies to anyone I might have offended with my behavior. I am committed to a transformative and hopeful 2018.”

Okay, we’re kind of obsessed with this statement. First of all, she’s not saying she’s sorry for what she did, she’s doing that half-apology thing where you apologize if anyone was offended. Like, “Sorry you didn’t like it that I called you fat, but it wasn’t a lie.” Very high school, and I love it. Luann is also referencing her short-lived marriage to Tom, and yeah, we’re pretty triggered by that too, thanks Luann. And then she caps it off with nice vague New Years resolution, because what better time for that? Seriously, just carve this statement on my tombstone.

So Luann is facing some felony charges, but with the lawyers that she can afford, we’ll be surprised if she ends up with anything more serious than a fine and maybe some community service. Please judge, can we PLEASE get some footage of Luann in an orange jumpsuit picking up trash on the highway? It’s all I want in 2018.