We’ve now been in quarantine for over six weeks, and I’m running out of things to watch. What about Netflix, you say? Ha! I laugh in the face of Netflix. Too Hot to Handle? Done! Tiger King? Obviously. Outer Banks? Duh! You name it, I’ve seen it. So now that I’ve exhausted every option, I’m rewatching old movies that I used to have on repeat. Today’s film? He’s Just Not That Into You, which is one of those movies that has many interconnecting stories and features a plethora of A-listers that never were on set at the same time but wanted an easy paycheck. I’m going to recap it for you here, and friends, if you thought this movie was some sexist bullsh*t in 2009, just you WAIT until you watch it in 2020.
We open on a playground scene. Baby Ginnifer Goodwin is getting bullied by a little boy, and before you ask, no, I’m not bothering to learn any of these characters’ names, so get used to it. Anyway. Ginnifer’s mom tells her that’s because he likes her. In voiceover, she tells us that for years, our fellow women let us believe this lie that if men are mean to us, it means they’re into us. She says it’s bad advice and just not true. She condemns it! I’ll urge you to bookmark this part right here, because it is the idea upon which the entire movie is built. If he’s mean to you, He’s Just Not That Into You. Remember this moment.
We’ve moved off the playground and into a bar, as one does. Ginnifer is an adult on a date with Kevin Connolly, who is riding high off his Entourage success. The waitress asks if they’d like another round. Ginny is eager and Kevin hesitantly agrees. What a lucky girl! They leave the date, he kisses her on the cheek, and it is obvious to anyone with eyes that this is going nowhere.
After they part ways, he immediately calls Scarlett Johansson because he’s just tipsy enough to think maybe she’ll suck his dick. Our heroine, Ginnifer Goodwin, thinks that he is calling her to leave a message. WHAT?! This is where I have to point something out, friends. This movie is not about men not being that into us. It is actually about a very sick individual, Ginnifer, who comes up with fantastical scenarios in her head based on little to no evidence, and who truly needs to be committed. Or should at least be forced to sit in the corner wearing a straitjacket for one hour. I will present my case throughout this recap, and I think by closing statements you’ll all be ready to vote to convict. This is Exhibit A.
Now we pivot to a grocery store. Scarlett Johansson wins a free cooler and acts like it is her long-lost identical twin sister with whom she has been reunited with after many years of searching. She’s so happy to see this cooler that she cannot contain herself and gives Bradley Cooper, the man in line to check out behind her, a huge hug. I think this is supposed to be a meet-cute? But should meet-cutes make you feel this icky inside? Then they chat outside the Quickchek.
Bradley Cooper: I can help you with your music career
Oh and what do you know, when Bradley gets into the car his buddy Ben Affleck is waiting for him! At least he has a cheating guru to rely on.
Ben Affleck then goes home to his girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston. It is now that I start to wonder if we’re in a movie, or is this just the darkest timeline?
Jennifer nags Ben because her little sister is getting married and they are not yet married after many years together. He tells her that “people who get married are not to be trusted.” WHAT?! That’s the best excuse you could come up with? Not “marriage is a sham of an institution”? “We don’t need a piece of paper to prove our love and commitment to one another”? There are so many pages he could have taken out of the “Man Who Doesn’t Want To Get Married But Can’t Stand Being Alone” playbook that would have been at least a little convincing; this one doesn’t even make any sense.
Next, we get a montage of Ginnifer acting absolutely out of her mind after her date with Kevin Connolly. She leaves her flip phone (lol) open during yoga (not how that worked, even back in the early 2000s), tells Jennifer Connelly that she knows where he hangs out, and then we see her at work with Jen C and Jen A (my GOD Jennifer is a popular name), and they are psychoanalyzing her date. Ginny! Just pour some wine in that work mug, get loose, and give him a call! As it turns out, that is what she does, and it also turns out that was some very bad advice. Whoops!
Kevin does not pick up, obviously, and Ginnifer leaves him a voicemail, which I just so happened to find a handy GIF of:
The ways we women will embarrass ourselves for a mediocre white man under 5’7” are truly astounding.
After that disaster, Ginnifer goes to the restaurant that Kevin said he hangs out in and tells the hostess that she is meeting someone! Exhibit B. You are not meeting someone, Ginnifer, you’re stalking. You’re working your way toward a restraining order. This is where she meets Justin Long, who will continue to demean women the entire movie in what I can only assume the director thought was a charming way?
This is when Justin tells her about “The Rule.” He says, “If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a sh*t, he genuinely doesn’t give a sh*t.” I have no problem with the rule in theory; in fact, I think it’s a good rule and one I tell my friends every time they try to triple-text a guy who doesn’t even watch their Instagram stories. The problem, however, is that the movie spends the next hour and change disproving their own rule. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
So then Ginnifer goes home, eats some mini muffins, and comes to the revelation that if a man cheats on you at the beginning of a relationship, or is otherwise awful, they don’t really care about you at all. That’s all she came up with?! I’ve come up with more profound revelations after chugging two Four Lokos at a frat party my freshman year of college.
OMG Drew Barrymore and ScarJo are getting pedicures. I dream of the day I can do that again. My feet do not belong to me anymore. My feet belong to Gollum. Anyway. ScarJo tells Drew about how she wants to pursue a married man (Bradley Cooper). Drew tells her about a homewrecker she knows who got a happy ending, so ScarJo should go for it! Reader, this is bad advice.
Bradley Cooper shuts ScarJo down, having not heard the story of the happy homewrecker, I guess. So Scarlett goes right to Kevin Connolly’s house for a foot rub and some compliments. This might be the one realistic aspect of the entire movie.
Now Jennifer Aniston goes home and picks a fight with Ben Affleck about the marriage thing. She says to him, “I need you to stop being nice to me unless you’re going to marry me after.” How funny, I use that exact line on all my first dates. I think you all can understand why I’m still single now, huh?
Jen asks Ben if he’s ever going to marry her. He doesn’t answer. It’s okay, Jen! In 2020 he’ll be parading around LA without a mask and calling the paparazzi to take his picture during a global pandemic, so I promise you won’t regret walking out!
Bradley Cooper then calls ScarJo back. He apologizes for not wanting to cheat on his wife earlier, he’s ready now. They make a plan to meet up at his office to “talk about her career.”
Meanwhile, Ginnifer is at happy hour. She meets a guy. She gives him her number, he gives her his, and then he says he looks forward to hearing from her. Instead of playing it cool, Ginnifer immediately chases him out and interrogates him like she is Carrie Mathison trying to figure out the mole. This is Exhibit C.
ScarJo goes to Bradley Cooper’s office and asks him why he is married. God, Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re married! He said that he and Jennifer Connelly dated in college and then she gave him an ultimatum that they get married or break up. What a beautiful love story! Can I submit it to The Way We Met? Then he paces around his office telling her that she’s hot. I will say, the writers really nailed the lines for dudes that like to cheat on their significant others, because I’ve never once had a man with a partner that’s attempting to pursue me text that he loves my personality.
And now the very unstable Ginnifer is taping the card, which she ripped up, of happy hour dude back together so that she can call him. I guess she’s really looking forward to some less-than-mediocre conversation where he talks about his high salary before he makes her split the check, falls asleep on top of her after two pumps, and then texts her the next day asking if she’s on birth control.
Instead, she calls Justin Long because she needs someone to emotionally slap her across the face.
That’ll do the trick!
Now Ginnifer is on a different date and making out with a guy on his couch. He tells her he’s leaving tomorrow so he’ll be out of touch for a little bit. Better have sex tonight! It’s at this point that I’ve got to wonder how this woman presumably made it to adulthood in one piece being so naive. She goes to the bathroom to call Justin Long for advice. He tells her that she needs to go home, this guy is a liar, and doesn’t like her. He also tells her to take her time in the bathroom and make him sweat. WHAT IS THAT ADVICE?! Make him think you have bowel troubles and you’re just sh*tting uncontrollably in his bathroom? Just leave! You don’t have to make him think your IBS is flaring up just to get out of f*cking him! This is Exhibit D.
Bradley Cooper and Ben Affleck go boating. Bradley tells Ben that no guy actually wants to get married. And if they do, all they can think about is all the girls they’re going to miss out on. Wow, I didn’t know that trash was physically capable of sailing a boat.
Our favorite maniac, Ginnifer, goes to meet up with Justin Long and a friend he is setting her up with. His friend doesn’t show because Justin “mixed up the dates”, so instead he spends the whole evening telling her that women are dramatic, she’s pathetic like a basset hound (don’t you drag innocent puppies into this, Justin!!) and that if a girl doesn’t like him he just finds another girl with smaller pores and bigger implants. Wait, what? You judge your date on the size of their pores? No one should be taking this man’s advice.
Now we’re at ScarJo’s apartment and Bradley is there, and I guess they just had sex. Did I miss something? I mean, I did zone out for about 90 seconds to reevaluate all the life decisions that lead me to what is clearly the Bad Place, so maybe I missed a transition of some kind. Or perhaps this movie really is that clunky. Either could be true!
Ginnifer is sitting on her couch with her landline next to her. Is this 2009 or is this 1999? Because in 2009 I legit had my third iPhone. 2009 was the future! Justin Long calls and invites her to his party, where I can only assume they will be watching movies they rented from Blockbuster, playing on Tamagotchis, and listening to Pearl Jam.
Then the next day, she goes to work and she tells all her friends that Justin Long is into her because he… *checks notes*… invited her to his party. Exhibit E.
She’s also convinced that Justin mixing up the dates for his friend wasn’t actually a mistake, he has no friend named Bill, and that he just wanted to go out with her. So the man that has advocated for being upfront this entire movie, albeit in a pretty dickish way, is trying to mind trick her into going on a date? Now I’m not just concerned about her mental capacity, I also think she needs hearing aids. But I’m the only skeptical one here, because she convinces the Jennifers at work it’s true. Idiots abound!
Now we’re at Home Depot with Jennifer Connelly and Bradley Cooper. Jen and Brad are fighting over hardwood floors. She says fake wood is a liar and she doesn’t like that it’s pretending to be real wood. What a metaphor! It’s so profound, Bradley tells her he cheated on her. And then he’s basically like, “so I guess you hate me, I’m gonna move out so I can f*ck ScarJo in peace.” But then she tells him not to move out, and he somehow gets roped into staying together. I feel like this conversation about the state of their marriage probably should have been longer and not conducted next to thousands of tiny little shiplap samples, but ok.
Now we’re at this party. Ginnifer is snacking and telling people that something is going to happen between her and Justin and that she is “more than a guest.” Justin asks Ginnifer for some help and she asks “kind of like co-hosting?” This is Exhibit F. It is here that I must say I do not know any single women that would ever act this way. We just don’t happen to have boyfriends, we’re not deranged. I feel like this movie is really painting us in a false light. Also, nobody goes to a party wanting to host, that’s just extra work.
After the party is over, Ginnifer cleans up Justin’s entire apartment while he plays video games with a Blake Lively look-alike. They couldn’t get the actual Blake for this movie? They sprung for everyone else. Ginnifer says that it’s 3am, so the Blake-a-like leaves. Ginnifer lingers. Justin tells her he has to go to bed, clearly blowing her off, and so naturally she jumps him. She says she thinks they are in a relationship (Exhibit G; at this point, I fully expect to make it to the end of the alphabet and then into some numbers), and he reiterates that he told her if a guy is into a girl he would make it happen. He calls her insane (fair) and they get into a big fight and she finally goes home, which probably involves getting on a spaceship to whatever foreign planet she lives on.
That scene was the most horrifying thing that has been on my TV in years, and I fall asleep to Dateline every Friday night. And the writers really got it wrong. Sure, sometimes women and men start out as friends and end up dating. I mean, it’s never happened to me, but I’ve heard about it on the internet! But I just don’t think that after Justin telling her all this time that a guy would make it happen if he’s interested, that she would just throw herself at him when he’s not even acting interested. He’d rather play Call of Duty than acknowledge her presence! This would never happen.
Now we’re at the office, and Jennifer Connelly is telling Ginnifer that Bradley Cooper is cheating on her. She says she needs to take responsibility because she forced him into getting married and now she’s not fun anymore. And that they never have sex anymore. Ginnifer tells Jennifer that it is not her fault (yes, that sentence killed me inside too). This is the only not insane thing Ginnifer has said this whole movie, and I am proud of her brief moment of clarity. I mean, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
OH NO, THIS SCENE. Bradley Cooper has Scarlett in his office and her positive career meeting is making them hornier than the idea of losing $20,000 is to those kids on Too Hot To Handle. They start to get frisky in his office when his wife shows up! He shoves Scarlett in the closet, screws his wife, and she leaves. That office has an awful lot of windows for the amount of sex going on it, but who am I to judge?
Scarlett comes out of the closet and tells Bradley he’s a disgusting excuse for a man. But like, you knew he was married? And you were about to do the same thing with him?
ScarJo is sad after being forced to listen to Bradley Cooper’s muffled grunts and Jennifer Connelly’s unenthused heavy breathing, so she calls up Kevin Connolly and finally lets him bang her again. She says she wants to be with him, but as we zoom in on her cold, empty eyes in the middle of the night, her face reveals the truth. Once again, this plot line is the only one in the whole film that captures the truth.
Jennifer Connelly goes back to her house and realizes that Bradley Cooper has been lying to her all along. She smashes a mirror, which is foolish because it means seven years of bad luck! But I guess she did have to be married to a dude who picks up mistresses at the bodega for the last seven years, so maybe she’s already done her penance.
Jennifer Aniston and Ben get back together and she says she doesn’t need to get married, he just needs to let her eat Wheat Thins in bed. Amen, sister! But maybe dream bigger. Eat a four-course meal in bed. Beds are the new tables! I mean all of that hypothetically of course, haven’t done it myself lately, no way.
Kevin Connolly takes ScarJo to visit a house and he says he wants to buy it. Well, that escalated quickly. She can no longer hide her disgust for him and dumps him. I hope he can get that deposit back!
Bradley comes back to his house and finds his sh*t nicely packed and left on the stairs. Wow. If neatly folding your cheating spouse’s items as a way of telling them you want a divorce is not the sign of a sociopath, I don’t know what is.
Ginnifer gets back from her date with Bill. So Bill does exist! Justin Long knocks on her door. He tells her he fell for her and he kisses her. He tells her she is the exception to the rule. WHAT? You mean to tell me that the 120 minutes this movie just spent telling me that women are the rule and not the exception is actually completely going back on its word?! I AM SHOOK.
AND THEN! Ben Affleck proposes to Jennifer Aniston. She is also the exception! I’m suing for my time back and emotional distress.
Finally, we cut to ScarJo singing a sad song in a bar and wearing ostentatious red lipstick, obviously to remind us that homewreckers end up alone. Bradley Cooper is back at the Quickchek buying beer, and Jennifer Connelly moves into a new house to begin a new life with an unsmashed mirror.
This part of the movie is where I really lose it. It just spent HOURS telling us that if a man is mean to you, he doesn’t like you. And then in 30 seconds it dismantles that entire premise with the equivalent of a “jk lol” text. While I know I shouldn’t expect too much out of a movie whose script was clearly written on the back of a napkin, I can’t help but think that this sends a horrible message to us single women around the world. He doesn’t act into you, but he really is (Ginnifer!), he says he won’t marry you but then he does (Jennifer!), I’m confused. Do I believe what men say, or do I not? In fact, the only single woman that seems remotely real to me, the one who is enticed by a hot married man, and dates a guy she doesn’t actually like because she wants to be loved, is the only woman who gets an ending that seems sad and hopeless. But she’s the only woman who even partially understands the message of “he’s just not that into you.” The movie actually punishes the idea it presents. They should have just called it He’s Definitely Into You: How To Snag A Lying Liar Who Doesn’t Want To Get Married.
We end with Ginnifer finally co-hosting a party, and telling us in voiceover to “never, ever give up hope that you’ll find love.” Sure! That, or you could just beat a man down into loving out in what can only be some form of Stockholm Syndrome!
I hope you all enjoyed reminiscing as much as I did, now I’m off to text the dude who was rude to me at Shop Rite yesterday. He totally wants it.
Images: Netflix; Giphy (5)
In case you thought Botched was the most cringeworthy show on E! right now, Kristin Cavallari’s new show, Very Cavallari, is premiering this summer, and it literally makes Lauren Conrad’s Teen Vogue internship look real. Let’s discuss.
Look, don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those people who turns on Real Housewives on a JetBlue flight and pretends to suffer through an episode of reality TV. I love reality TV. I can explain the Kardashian family tree better than my own, and I still hesitate before making plans on Monday nights even after Bachelor season is over. I just genuinely think Very Cavallari is gonna suck.
I mean, let’s talk about the promo. We see a few shots of Kristin being a *regular person* who lives a normal married life in Nashville, and we’re supposed to be impressed that she’s building her own “lifestyle brand” while being a
cool mom. Yawn. That just described the daily goings-on of pretty much every mom on Instagram with more than 300 followers.
Kristin starts the trailer by saying, “It has been SEVEN YEARS since I’ve stopped shooting The Hills.”
Umm, yeah, and there’s a reason it stopped airing. We were team Lauren back then, and we don’t give a shit about your fake drama anymore. Like, Kristin heroically returning to reality TV is the equivalent to me going back to the nail salon after I screwed up my manicure because it wasn’t dry yet. No one asked for this revisit. Also, there’s a reason shows like The Hills don’t exist anymore. The characters are dated. Like, I used to think Lauren was the most relatable person on the show, but nowadays I relate much closer to Spencer’s batshit breakdowns and financially irresponsible crystal collection. Just saying.
Then Kristin starts spewing random shit about her “business team”, like, “I have the craziest staff. Of course there’s gonna be drama. Of course there’s gonna be hookups…. It’s gonna be a wild ride.”
First of all, “of course there’s gonna be hookups”? What kind of workplace environment are you in? It sounds like a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. And I’m sorry, what is this show even about?! So far it sounds like one of those shows where a secret HR rep is watching a corporate disaster from some hidden camera in a nearby van and has to step in when Kristin hooks up with an intern or shows up to Casual Friday in a bikini. I actually think I’d watch that, though.
The drama on this show makes the plot lines on Laguna Beach seem plausible. Unless you give Brody Jenner at least one guest appearance, I’m sticking with the Jersey Shore reboot for now. But like, on the bright side, I guess we’ve finally solved the debate over how Cavallari is pronounced. VERY helpful, Kristin.
Images: E! News (1), Giphy (4)
Happy Bachelor Monday, fam. We’re back to talking about the one TV franchise that literally takes up more time than football season and March Madness combined. (Don’t fight me on that. You don’t stalk the players’ Instagrams in between games.) If you follow Krystal on social media, you’ve probably noticed she’s even more *Krystal* online than she was on the show. Like, IDK what bothers me more—the fact that she straight-up said the phrase “needle dick” or that she goes by @coachkrystal_ on social media. I’m so concerned. Anyway, whether you refer to Krystal as the most annoying voice in Bachelor history or the girl on a mission to find
brand endorsements true love, you can’t deny her body looks amazing. So, I decided to try her “beach workout” myself. I found it on her Instagram, obviously.
Unfortunately, my “beach workout” was done in the gym because I live in New York, but I feel like I still got the gist of it. Here’s how it went:
¼ Mile Run
Coach Krystal (cringing as I type that) claims this workout is her “FAVORITE way” to beat stress, but honestly running sucks, and in my opinion it’s pretty stressful. Like, I feel personally victimized by the incline setting on the treadmill. Plus, I could think of a couple other ways to chill out
like smoke weed, but running works I guess. I was totally dreading the run portion of the workout, but then I got on the treadmill and like, reached ¼ mile before I even made it through one song. I was confused. Is this a typo? Why would anyone only run ¼ mile? Could I actually get fit running for less time than it takes me to brush my teeth? Okay, moving on.
10 Step Ups (Each Leg)
I used a bench at the gym for this one, and I even held dumbbells in my hands to make it a bit harder. Like, stepping up on a bench 10 times is pretty basic, so I figured the added weight could make it more interesting. Am I already more qualified to be a “coach” than Krystal? Honestly, these aren’t terrible, so I’m going to tentatively say yes. I definitely felt the burn in my glutes and quads, and I’d definitely recommend adding the weights. But obviously no shade to Krystal’s version…
10 Tricep Dips
These ones are tough. Tricep dips are extra tricky because you’re not actually using any added weight, but you’re also low-key using your entire body weight at the same time. You’re basically holding onto a bench behind you while facing the other direction, and then straightening and bending your arms to bring your body up and down with your triceps. Krystal does these with her legs straight, but you can also keep them bent to make it a bit easier. It’s more important that you’re getting full range of motion with the dipping part of the movement.
10 Leg Raises
Leg raises are always a good lower ab exercise. I’m a fan. Doing only 10 sounds easy, but it’s important to do these slowly to really engage your core and feel the burn in the lower part of your abs. The idea is to lie flat with your legs out in front of you, and then raise them up and down while keeping your back flat and your core tight. Krystal does these with her hands behind her head, but if you feel any lower back pain, I suggest keeping your hands under your lower back area.
10 Toe Touches
Another good one—more focused on the upper abs. Staying in the same position as your leg raises, keep your legs in the air, as straight as possible, and then try to touch your feet or toes, bringing your shoulders off the ground with your core. Also, a lot of people do weird shit with their neck here, but try to keep it as neutral as possible and really just use your abs to lift. These should be done faster than the leg raises, so 10 of them should go by pretty fast. Thanks, Krystal.
20 Bicycle Crunches
This is a good burnout move, and it’s also for your abs. No wonder this girl has a six-pack. Put your hands behind your head, then bring your knees in towards your chest and lift your shoulder blades off the ground, touching your elbow to the opposite knee in every rep. Bicycle crunches are usually done too fast, but it’s really not a race. It’s more important that you’re crunching with your abs instead of just hitting your elbow to your knee without using your core. Don’t cheat yourself. Think about the “shoulder to knee” cue instead of elbow. You should feel this in your obliques and your upper abs, and honestly it should be hard.
I didn’t mind this workout, but I probably wouldn’t do it again. Krystal suggests doing 3-5 rounds, and, honestly, I only did two rounds before I got bored. Plus, people were starting to think I didn’t know how to work a treadmill because I was only on it for, like, a minute at a time. On the plus side, I definitely broke a sweat, and felt like it was a pretty sufficient full body routine. I wasn’t sore the next day, but it was a solid workout and I’d recommend you trying it out for yourself. And if you actually do five rounds, you deserve a glass of wine.
Images: Krystal Nielson, Instagram; Giphy (4).
It’s officially February, so that means the sun is still setting at 4pm, we’re still trying to pull off knit turtlenecks, and we’re still watching Netflix. Like, a lot of it. I’d say with the combination of the shitty weather, a boring Bachelor season, and the shit show of our political system, our society is at an all-time low, which means we can only turn to TV to make ourselves feel a little better. I mean, vodka helps too, but it doesn’t give you as much material for elevator small talk at work. If you’ve already binged on all 10 seasons of Friends this month and you’re in need of something new to watch, here are the best shows and movies coming to Netflix this month.
1. ‘Meet The Parents’ & ‘Meet The Fockers’
Ah, two classic movies for Netflix & chill season. First of all, they literally go together, which gives you an excuse to keep the TV on for another two hours, and secondly, they’re both equally great. I mean, there’s nothing like the combo of Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller to make us forget about our own family drama, and also to remind ourselves never to agree to meeting the parents. It’s always a trap.
2. ‘Coach Snoop’
Watching Snoop in action is more mesmerizing than watching Cardi B give a live TV interview. Luckily for us, Netflix is literally giving us a show that allows us to watch Snoop in his very unknown natural habitat of little league football coaching. Is this real life? The answer is yes, and the show is coming out this week. Sit back, relax, and watch Coach Snoop coach a team of teenagers, no bong in sight.
3. ‘Ocean’s Eleven’, ‘Twelve’ and ‘Thirteen’
Apparently there’s an Ocean’s Eight coming out this summer, so I guess now is a sensible time to catch up on the other three. Ocean’s Eight will be an all-female spin-off with a killer cast. We’re talking about Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, Rihanna, James Corden, even Anne Hathaway (which is frustrating, but you can’t win them all). Think of the OG trilogy as your pregame. The first remake of Ocean’s Eleven (I know, it’s confusing, and Hollywood has been out of ideas since 1970) and its subsequent sequels, though, feature the likes of George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, and more.
4. ‘The Joel McHale Show with Joel McHale’
We have to admit we have a soft spot for obnoxious stand-up comedians hosting their own shows, so we’ll be watching Joel McHale’s show. Joel McHale is known for his amazing pop culture shit-talking and fabulous celeb guests, so we’re just praying his show is a fair combo of our two fav pastimes.
5. ‘Project X’
This movie is so underrated, and we’re totally into its revival, so thank you, Netflix. Project X was the movie that encouraged us to drink more and care less, and it also first opened our eyes to the hotness of Miles Teller (if you’d like to fight me on this, I’ll be outside). The movie is all about high school seniors throwing a rager, so maybe it’ll even hype us up to leave the house this weekend and get blackout enough to come home before even making it to the club. Ugh, I love being a responsible adult.
6. All 5 ‘American Pie’ Movies
Another childhood classic. Why weren’t these on Netflix already? I mean, the franchise was obviously overdone and dragged out way too long, but whatever, the jokes are funny and it just reminds us that life gets *somewhat* better after high school. On one hand, I feel like no one wants to watch the original from 1999, but on the other hand, most kids watching Netflix nowadays were prob not even born yet when it came out. Feel old?
7. ‘Everything Sucks’
Speaking of the 90’s, this Netflix original show is supposed to be set in 1996, and it follows high school freshmen through their v sucky lives. Honestly, it looks pretty good. The name caught my eye immediately, and the whole thing just feels like one relatable TBT. I mean, anyone who says they’re not nostalgic for AIM and Tamagotchis is dead to me. Like, I still look for Dunkaroos in the pantry every time I’m drunk.
8. ‘Queer Eye For The Straight Guy’ Reboot
In case you’ve never heard of the original show, the original Queer Eye For the Straight Guy was on TV from 2003 to 2007, and Netflix is launching a reboot with an entirely new cast. The show will follow a new group of “Fab Five” guys who are lifestyle experts and like, D-list celebs with good taste. For example, the well-dressed host on Chopped who announces the mystery basket ingredients was one of the original Queer Eyes. Kinda sounds like our next guilty pleasure… we’ll be watching.
Images: Tookapic / Pexels; Giphy (5)
What up, degenerates? Mostly speaking to myself here. This recap may be a little late because I went to bed at 9pm last night. What can I say. Day drinking as an adult is hard. Really takes the life out of you.
We open at Brittany and Jax’s housewarming party. It’s 1am and Ariana and Lala play the recording of Jax talking to Faith. Apparently it’s too big of a legal nightmare to air the tape, which is why I will not be digging it up and posting it here, as one of you suggested in the comments last week. It was a good try, and I commend you for the suggestion, but I do not have the money to defend myself against Bravo’s lawyers.
According to Brittany, on the recording Jax says he doesn’t want to marry Brittany, he doesn’t want to have kids with her, and they haven’t had sex in months. Pretty much the standard stuff every guy has ever said to his mistress since the dawn of time, with the exception of “I’m going to leave her for you very soon.”
Me and anyone who’s ever watched Jax behave for more than 5 consecutive minutes:
Brittany decides to play the recording on speakerphone for the entire party to hear. I love this new Brittany. This is fucking incredible.
Brittany: I’ve heard the recordings. You deserve to rot in hell.
Me, *crying*: Yas queen
Lala: God forbid women stand together against your bullshit. I’m done with these men thinking they can do whatever the fuck they want!
This is feminism. #MeToo
Back at the party, James is trying to be like “Don’t let Brittany talk like that” and all the women collectively burst into flames and scream at him until he runs away. They need to play this episode of Vanderpump Rules at the next Women’s March.
Jax: Why would Lala and Ariana do that?
Why would they expose the truth? IDK, because they’re not shit people? Sandoval and Ariana fight about this because Sandoval (correctly) thinks that Ariana should have picked a better time, like for instance, not the middle of the night when everyone’s been taking shots. Ariana completely misses the point.
Tom: So you approached Brittany with the recordin—
Ariana: I did not APPROACH Brittany! I was sitting on the patio with her.
I honestly love these people. Here we have Sandoval trying to be like “wrong time dude” and Ariana’s getting irate over the semantics of the word “approach”. This is a misunderstanding of epic proportions. One day they’ll teach this in history classes. I could see an entire war being started because Ariana genuinely did not believe she “approached” Brittany with the recording because she was already sitting with her.
Am I the only person who thinks calling James’ party See You Next Tuesday is genius? Maybe he should quit DJing and get a job in marketing.
James says he’s not going to drink during his DJ gig, which means we’ll see a cut to him taking a bottle of Jaeger to the face in approximately five minutes.
Also, I am taking a recording of James screaming “WHYYYYY” and setting it as my ringtone. And this picture of Lisa is now my phone’s wallpaper. I’m really fun at parties.
Lala, Sandoval, and Ariana go to Scheana’s house. I think it’s hilarious that Scheana bought a fruit platter for them, and I hope I’m not the only one. Like, this girl shits on Shay for only eating microwave dinners and she can’t cut up some fruit? IDK, I’m getting my period and I just got ghosted by a guy who lives in New Jersey, so making fun of these (fellow) trash humans is all I have going for me rn.
Sandoval is completely correct in that the time to bring up this diabolical recording (one more time for the people in back) is not at 1am when you’re all wasted! Between Schwartz refusing to stop blacking out so he’d quit cheating on his wife and now this, I’m beginning to think Vanderpump Rules is one giant satire. Can people really be this averse to logic and reason?
Jax walks into the kitchen the next morning with Brittany and the first thing out of his mouth is “I have no words.” Ok so then… why are you talking…
This is peak manipulation, blaming Brittany for “her actions” when Jax objectively was the one who did something so completely fucked up.
Brittany: He’s embarrassed and now he’s turning it around on me.
She finally gets it! Who is this new Brittany? New Brittany for President!
Ladies, this is gaslighting. Look it up, know the signs, and don’t let it happen to you. Whether your boyfriend tries to go to hang out with your roommate behind your back and then blasts you for your “jealousy issues” (totally random example that didn’t happen to me at all) or he tells another woman that you basically mean nothing to him and he’s not attracted to you and then gets mad at you for daring to expose his wrongdoings, that is gaslighting. It’s extreme manipulation, and it will fuck you up. So don’t stand for it. This has been a friendly PSA, and also my weekly shading of my piece-of-shit ex-boyfriend. Look, this really is all I have at this point.
Ok, back to the recap.
Brittany to Jax: Go ruin another girl’s life. You will, you’re dirty.
Y’all. Brittany has snapped. I cannot say this enough: I am living for it.
Ariana says to Sandoval in front of Scheana, “I think we should break the fuck up.” Honestly, what would this show be if these people had any concept of private conversations?
Stassi goes to a speakeasy behind a bookshelf to meet Patrick and says “you’re not going to meet commoners there” i.e. in a bar behind a bookshelf. Stassi’s gonna be real disappointed when she reads about the New York City speakeasy trend of 2016.
Schwartz is telling Patrick at this dinner about how he blackout cheated on Katie and Patrick says, “If you don’t remember it, it’s over.” *Unscrolls three meter-long sheet of parchment* *Adds this to the ever-growing list of why I hate Patrick*
There’s not a whole lot to report on this studio session with Lala, James, and Sandoval, other than Lala continuing to talk like she’s a background cast member on Real Housewives of Atlanta. As Nene would say, “girl, bye.”
Tom Sandoval starts playing the trumpet and he’s like “I just lose myself in the music” *plays the trumpet like Squidward plays the clarinet*
Actually I’d rather listen to Spongebob transform himself into Squidward’s clarinet and scream “La la la la” (y’all know the episode I’m talking about, don’t even play) than listen to Sandoval play the trumpet.
Stassi and Katie come to Brittany’s house for moral support.
Stassi: When are women going to realize Jax isn’t worthy of dating?
IDK fam. If a six-year reality show documenting his every act of infidelity and subsequent lie about it hasn’t done the trick yet, I don’t think anything will at this point.
At See You Next Tuesday, Scheana confronts Katie about the Rob cheating rumors and basically says “keep my name out yo’ mouth and I’ll do the same.” Good luck with that.
Katie: I think Scheana is just insecure about how quickly she moved onto Rob after she got divorced from Shay.
What the fuck is happening this season? Brittany is standing up for herself? I like Katie?? Can somebody check my vitals over here??
Scheana’s telling everyone about this rumor that she “doesn’t want to talk about,” just like every girl who says she “hates drama.”
So NOW Scheana pulls Jen aside to confront her about this rumor about Rob making out with someone.
Scheana: I don’t want to ever speak of this again…
Scheana recounts what Rob claimed happened and it goes like this: “I used to date this girl at Toca Madera and I came and picked her up and twirled her around and maybe gave her a kiss on the cheek or… maybe it was more than that.”
So basically after Jen recounts the same story she told Katie about the makeout, Scheana goes, “Well I trust Rob and I know he’d never do that. Case closed, bitches.”
Man, can we PLEASE get a spin-off where Scheana is a homicide detective? It would go like this:
Detective #1: We have the suspect’s DNA, fingerprints, an eye witness who saw him commit the murder, and before the victim died she wrote “ROB DID IT” in her own blood.
Scheana: Well I know Rob wouldn’t do that so case closed, bitches.
Sandoval and Ariana kiss and make up and talk about things like mature adults, which is only interesting because this is Vanderpump Rules and literally nobody has ever done that before on the history of this show.
After calling her mom, Brittany sits Jax down and has a come-to-Jesus talk with him, and still he won’t take responsibility! Holyyyy shit. I can’t. We’re literally watching him gaslight and manipulate her on camera. He’s like “It takes two people to make a relationship work” but it only takes one to cheat sooo….???
Honestly, Brittany, Jax is not logical or even nice enough to merit this conversation. I appreciate that you tried, but you just can’t reason with stupid. And manipulative. Just get out.
And that’s all she wrote. Come back next week for another shade session of every man who’s ever wronged me, peppered with the latest goings-on in the Vanderpump Rules universe. Thank you, and goodnight.
The premiere of The Bachelor was a few weeks ago, but that’s still the only episode I’ve seen this season. As I was watching, I had a lot of questions. Like, how come some of the girls get these cool intros and some of them show up with a little plastic penis? Is there a hair and makeup person on set to give everybody the same barrel curls? Well, we reached out to Amber (you know, the girl from Denver who got eliminated on night one), to ask her a few questions, and here’s what
she was allowed to tell us had to say.
Are you responsible for your own wardrobe, hair and makeup?
Yes, you are responsible for your own wardrobe but the first night they have professional hair and makeup artists to help us out.
How much do you think girls spend on wardrobe throughout the season? I imagine all those rose ceremony dresses would get expensive.
I know some girls spent hundreds of dollars just on their night one dresses, I got mine for $70 from Missguided. Packing for up to two months when you don’t know where you’ll be going is very tricky. I tried to work with what I already had but I also bought a lot of new dresses for all those rose ceremonies I didn’t make it to haha! I made sure not to over spend and kept the tags on the new things juuuust in case.
Do you regret going on the show? Is there anything you would have done differently if given another chance?
It’s a very surreal and unique experience and I would say that it is probably not for everyone. If you are thinking of trying it I think it’s best to go in with completely open mind and not too many expectations. I put so much on hold and had to do so much to prepare before I left that I was really invested in the idea of being there for the long haul, which made leaving early even more disappointing. The first night is super stressful but it’s a lot of fun getting to know all of the other girls. You have to be prepared that no matter what you will get some haters and internet trolls making fun of you so make sure you have a thick skin and can laugh at yourself.
If I had a chance to redo it I probably would do some things different. I definitely would have planned something more special for my one on one time with him. I wanted to have a nice, casual conversation but I think it’s better to be extreme in that scenario. Bring gifts, plan a get to know each other game, anything that will stand out!
We talk more shit about The Bachelor on The Betchelor podcast, which you should defs listen to. Follow Amber on Instagram at @everyonceinastyle!
There is a lot you can learn about
what the producers want you to think of a Bachelor season from its first episode and subsequent three minute season preview. Like, how many episodes do we get until the cast is all blondes under 30, or which hotel chain is sponsoring this season’s travel. And last night was no different. If you were too hungover from your NYE celebrations to watch, read our full recap, but if you are looking for a breakdown of what we think is going to happen this season based solely on heavily edited segments and the womens’ cocktail dress choices, read on.
Btw, I am not a Reality Steve reader because fuck spoilers, and I have no franchise adjacent leakers (Alexis did like one of my Instagram posts once though, and it was one of my best moments from 2017). But, I am a seasoned Bachelor viewer and have correctly identified at least one winner on episode one—so my predictions are sound.
1. Chelsea Is The Villain
This bitch made one of the most villainous moves since the re-interruption of Nick’s season: going in for a second conversation with Arie when some of the girls hadn’t even spoken to him once. How dare she. The previews show her using her single parent status as an excuse for being a shit person, so that looks exciting. But her Olivia vibe is so strong (like legit, are they related?) that I see her going out the same way: dumped on the mid season two-on-one date while she’s ugly crying on a beach.
2. Bekah M. Is BFFs With One Of The Producers
Who do you think got her that kick-ass vintage car for her entrance? Plus, she’s already doing some in-the-moment shit talking and asking producer-planted questions like “didn’t you say you got interrupted early, that doesn’t seem fair.” It looks like she makes it to the international travel phase, so the producers will get some great one-liners and she will likely have a successful Bachelor in Paradise/Instagram modeling career.
3. Arie Isn’t Terrible
I, like the rest of America, could not have been less excited about this year’s Bachelor pick. But tbh, he’s like totally fine, and seems to be capable of formulating full sentences. Plus he is way better than boring Ben Higgins and all-around meh of a man Nick Viall. Do I still wish it was Peter? Yes. But am I going to hate him as much as I thought I would? Maybe not.
4. ABC Had A Large Travel Budget
The season preview shows them going to Machu Picchu, Paris, Tuscany, and somewhere with a lot of sand. So clearly they got some quality travel sponsorships and realized that America is awful and they should gtfo. But the real question still remains: which city will prove to be the perfect place to fall in love? Oh wait nvm, it’s all of them—according to The Bachelor, every city is the perfect place to fall in love.
5. Someone’s Ex Shows Up
The producers are really trying to play this up in the season preview, but it obviously happens while they are still at the mansion. And honestly, they could have done a better job at cutting in images of Arie crying if they really wanted us to believe it had an impact on the show’s outcome. My guess is it happens week three, the ex is coming for one of the Laurens, and no one gives a shit.
6. These Girls Will Be Boring AF
Nobody got drunk on night one (huge disappointment), the most creative limo entrance involved a toy weiner (lame), and everyone appears to have a real job. What the fuck, ABC—who are we supposed to make fun of? I mean, Bibiana’s name is ridiculous, but we can only take that so far. Ugh, I miss Corinne.
The holidays are a time that’s all about giving, and the story behind Luann de Lesseps’ arrest last weekend just keeps on giving. Earlier this week, we got all the juicy details about why she got arrested, but it turns out Luann wasn’t done with the crazy shit once she got in the police car.
The official police report about the case contains the new information that Luann allegedly fucking slipped out of her handcuffs and tried to escape from the police car. Countess Luann de Houdini is iconic, and she is not here to play around. We’re seriously dying at the mental image of a wasted Luann trying to escape from the back of a moving police car, and there needs to be a movie of this someday.
The report also states that they allegedly had to stop the car and take Luann out to get her back into the handcuffs, which is when she allegedly threatened to kill the officers (for the second time, not like we’re keeping track), and tried to hold the door open with her foot. Luann was on a fucking mission Saturday night, and she usually gets what she wants.
Obviously the police officers were eventually able to get her in the car and back to the station, but she didn’t go easily. Seriously, Bravo must be rewriting her contract for more money right now, because Andy Cohen couldn’t come up with this shit in his wildest dreams.