It’s Halloween betches, and it’s time to get spooky AF. Netflix is adding to the festivities with the scariest TV shows and movies—’tis the season for sleeping with the lights on and double locking all your doors. There’s no better way to get in the spirit of Halloween than living in darkness with only your laptop screen as a light source. This is also the perfect excuse to ditch any and all Halloween related celebrations. More time for you to spend doing what you do best—sitting. Which BTW, can get pretty f*cking frightening. Just look into my dead, lifeless eyes wasting my life away because yes, it’s hour 30 and I am still here, Netflix.
‘Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’ – October 26
From the f*cked minds that brought you Riverdale comes another childhood ruining series. Sh*t gets dark and twisty when our girl Sabrina hits her 16th birthday. Unlike the stars of My Super Sweet Sixteen, Sab doesn’t get a party with a horse-drawn carriage entrance. Instead, she gets to choose between becoming a demon with her whole witch family or like, being a normal human. Sounds like one hell of a birthday to me!
‘The Haunting of Hill House’ – October 12
Haunted houses are nothing new for Halloween, but this one certainly takes the cake. Based on a 1959 novel by Shirley Jackson, this show takes us through the lives of the Crain family. Hugh and Liv Crain are parents to five kids living in Hill House, a home haunted by ghost-like creatures. The storyline bounces between the current lives of the family, struggling with the trauma from their past, and the stories of the creatures that haunted them. Good luck with this one, I got nightmares from the trailer alone.
‘Creeped Out’ – October 4
Netflix has this horror series rated as kid-friendly. IDK about you, but the ghost episode of Zoey 101 (The Curse of PCA, in case you’re wondering) was scary for me as a child (or maybe still now), so WTF is coming out of this that’s less terrifying? The series is an anthology, all narrated by a mysterious masked figure called “The Curious”. While every episode is different, there are some subtle links that bring the entire series together—and apparently, they’re creepy AF.
‘The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell’ – October 12
Netflix’s latest addition to their plethora of food series is like if Martha Stewart went goth (which I would low-key love to see). Christine McConnell is taking her Insta fame out of the ‘Gram and onto the laptop screen with her own baking show. Known for her creepy cakes and f*cking terrifying photos, the author of Deceptive Desserts shows us all what she does best: making treats that look too scary to eat. That’s one way to trick yourself into a diet.
‘Haunted’ – October 19
Have you ever seen a ghost? And before you try me, no, bugging out when you’re high and seeing your dead dog doesn’t count. This series is about everyday humans experiencing paranormal or supernatural events that still haunt them. Brought to you by the executive producers of The Purge franchise and Lore, this series is sure to make you overanalyze every movement of the wind and flicker of the lights.
‘The Shining’ – October 1
Creepy twins, sketchy hotels, and metaphors—oh my! ‘The Shining’ is a classic sh*t-your-pants horror film, but IDK what’s scarier about this movie: the ax murderer or the film students who analyze every breath Jack Nicholson takes. You decide. If you haven’t seen this movie, it’s based on Stephen King’s 1977 novel of the same title and is probably one of the creepiest films in existence. Would recommend watching this with friends, and then, probably having them guard your bathroom door while you shower.
‘Malevolent’ – October 5
A brother-sister duo decides an excellent business plan is to scam people who are grieving by pretending they know how to talk to the dead. This movie is like what would happen if the Long Island Medium turned out to be a fake. Sh*t gets weird when they go for a reading at an orphanage (red flag one) where a murder took place (red flag two). Basically, the ghosts were like “you want to talk with us B*TCH? Well, now you get to. For eternity.” But I’m sure it’s a lot scarier than that.
‘Apostle’ – October 12
An ex-priest returns to his long-lost daddy’s house to find out that his sister has been kidnapped by a religious cult *gasp*. Turns out, this cult likes to sacrifice people and drill into heads—so some really fun party games here—so obvs ex-priest has to go try and save his sister. The cult is on a remote island, so this movie is for sure full of that type of horror where you scream and no one can hear you. Apparently, this movie is really gory featuring some sh*t swimming, arm cutting, and human meat grinding. Perhaps watch this one on an empty stomach.
‘Truth or Dare’ – October 3
This isn’t your average slumber party. A legit psychopath kidnaps four teens while they’re chilling in Mexico to make them play a dark-ass version of truth or dare. Every time a truth or dare presents itself, everyone’s faces get super warped and they start to look like a freaky Snapchat filter. There’s also a big risk in not doing said tasks—you could die. So the stakes are high, people. The tasks range from breaking someone’s hand to coming out to the grand finale: killing people. This whole thing seems like a lose-lose situation.
Do you love scary sh*t like crime, cults, conspiracy theories? We’re launching Not Another True Crime podcast on October 1! Follow us on Instagram at @natcpod for details.
Images: Giphy (3); Unsplash/Victoria Heath
In case you thought Botched was the most cringeworthy show on E! right now, Kristin Cavallari’s new show, Very Cavallari, is premiering this summer, and it literally makes Lauren Conrad’s Teen Vogue internship look real. Let’s discuss.
Look, don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those people who turns on Real Housewives on a JetBlue flight and pretends to suffer through an episode of reality TV. I love reality TV. I can explain the Kardashian family tree better than my own, and I still hesitate before making plans on Monday nights even after Bachelor season is over. I just genuinely think Very Cavallari is gonna suck.
I mean, let’s talk about the promo. We see a few shots of Kristin being a *regular person* who lives a normal married life in Nashville, and we’re supposed to be impressed that she’s building her own “lifestyle brand” while being a
cool mom. Yawn. That just described the daily goings-on of pretty much every mom on Instagram with more than 300 followers.
Kristin starts the trailer by saying, “It has been SEVEN YEARS since I’ve stopped shooting The Hills.”
Umm, yeah, and there’s a reason it stopped airing. We were team Lauren back then, and we don’t give a shit about your fake drama anymore. Like, Kristin heroically returning to reality TV is the equivalent to me going back to the nail salon after I screwed up my manicure because it wasn’t dry yet. No one asked for this revisit. Also, there’s a reason shows like The Hills don’t exist anymore. The characters are dated. Like, I used to think Lauren was the most relatable person on the show, but nowadays I relate much closer to Spencer’s batshit breakdowns and financially irresponsible crystal collection. Just saying.
Then Kristin starts spewing random shit about her “business team”, like, “I have the craziest staff. Of course there’s gonna be drama. Of course there’s gonna be hookups…. It’s gonna be a wild ride.”
First of all, “of course there’s gonna be hookups”? What kind of workplace environment are you in? It sounds like a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. And I’m sorry, what is this show even about?! So far it sounds like one of those shows where a secret HR rep is watching a corporate disaster from some hidden camera in a nearby van and has to step in when Kristin hooks up with an intern or shows up to Casual Friday in a bikini. I actually think I’d watch that, though.
The drama on this show makes the plot lines on Laguna Beach seem plausible. Unless you give Brody Jenner at least one guest appearance, I’m sticking with the Jersey Shore reboot for now. But like, on the bright side, I guess we’ve finally solved the debate over how Cavallari is pronounced. VERY helpful, Kristin.
Images: E! News (1), Giphy (4)
The premiere of The Bachelor was a few weeks ago, but that’s still the only episode I’ve seen this season. As I was watching, I had a lot of questions. Like, how come some of the girls get these cool intros and some of them show up with a little plastic penis? Is there a hair and makeup person on set to give everybody the same barrel curls? Well, we reached out to Amber (you know, the girl from Denver who got eliminated on night one), to ask her a few questions, and here’s what
she was allowed to tell us had to say.
Are you responsible for your own wardrobe, hair and makeup?
Yes, you are responsible for your own wardrobe but the first night they have professional hair and makeup artists to help us out.
How much do you think girls spend on wardrobe throughout the season? I imagine all those rose ceremony dresses would get expensive.
I know some girls spent hundreds of dollars just on their night one dresses, I got mine for $70 from Missguided. Packing for up to two months when you don’t know where you’ll be going is very tricky. I tried to work with what I already had but I also bought a lot of new dresses for all those rose ceremonies I didn’t make it to haha! I made sure not to over spend and kept the tags on the new things juuuust in case.
Do you regret going on the show? Is there anything you would have done differently if given another chance?
It’s a very surreal and unique experience and I would say that it is probably not for everyone. If you are thinking of trying it I think it’s best to go in with completely open mind and not too many expectations. I put so much on hold and had to do so much to prepare before I left that I was really invested in the idea of being there for the long haul, which made leaving early even more disappointing. The first night is super stressful but it’s a lot of fun getting to know all of the other girls. You have to be prepared that no matter what you will get some haters and internet trolls making fun of you so make sure you have a thick skin and can laugh at yourself.
If I had a chance to redo it I probably would do some things different. I definitely would have planned something more special for my one on one time with him. I wanted to have a nice, casual conversation but I think it’s better to be extreme in that scenario. Bring gifts, plan a get to know each other game, anything that will stand out!
We talk more shit about The Bachelor on The Betchelor podcast, which you should defs listen to. Follow Amber on Instagram at @everyonceinastyle!
On this week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules, we saw the return of our favorite professional sugar baby, Lala Kent. Not much has changed except that she’s given up on denying having a married boyfriend. She did make a point to say on the show that while her boyfriend does buy her some stuff, she still has bills to pay and that is her reason for returning to SUR. Well, that’s probably not the real reason—and I don’t just mean because the real real reason is obviously because she wants to get back on TV. No. The real real real reason Lala needs a job is because the guy we’ve basically all but confirmed is her boyfriend, Randall Emmett, reportedly owes over $279,000 in taxes. No, that’s not a typo.
Okay first of all, WHAT?! How do you owe that much money in taxes? I mean, I understand the concept of just… not sending the state the money you’re supposed to send them and keeping it for yourself, but how do people really think they can get away with just not paying a cool $279,503 in taxes? The government isn’t going to forget about a sum like that.
Page Six reached Randall Emmett’s rep for comment, who told them that there was a “‘miscommunication’ with his tax handler” and said Randall took care of the liens on Monday. IDK, that seems shady. Not as shady as dating a woman 19 years your junior when you’re still legally married, but shady nonetheless.
Anyway, Lala, hope you enjoy the private jets and the Range Rover, because it might get repoed soon.
Catch up on the latest Vanderpump Rules recap here!
Jordana and Aleen discuss the latest episode of Vanderpump Rules and the impending episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. They answer questions from a listener whose boyfriend won’t come to bed with her and another one is scared her friends are angry with her for cancelling a trip. They play games involving airport travel and the amount of sunlight in a year and debate whether eating meat is ethical.
Subscribe to Betch Slapped on iTunes and listen on Spotify!
The Bachelor doesn’t premiere for another two weeks or so (yes, I could do the math but no, I won’t because I’m too lazy), but the speculation train is just getting started since ABC released the cast of
Instagram models ladies vying for Arie’s love. I already broke down my thoughts and feelings on each and every one of them, and so did Jared Fried. But the question remains: Who’s going to win the prize of a Neil Lane diamond ring that’s been put on layaway Arie’s heart? The answer, for now, can only be found through Instagram. And, I guess, Reality Steve—but again, that’s no fun. So I did some serious internet stalking, and here’s who I think will win The Bachelor, and who will lose, based on their current IG presence. Before we get started, I’d just like to say that I’m not going to judge everyone, because there are 30 of them and I don’t have the time for that. I’ll just tackle the highs and the lows—who I think will be major players, and who will go the way of Mohit and get eliminated on the first night after getting blackout and screaming “Nooo!” from a distance while watching one of the contestants score a kiss.
Let’s start with Bibiana, because she’s the most interesting. Namely, her profile is private. This points to one of two possibilities: Either she’s really here for the right reasons and makes it pretty far in the competition and maybe even wins and is preemptively protecting her and Arie’s privacy, OR she does or says something extremely bad and gets sent home early on because of it. No other in-between is possible; I can’t wait to see which option it is. I’m kind of rooting for the latter because I’m a garbage human.
I think Jenna will do pretty well in the competition for a few reasons. One, she’s blonde, and we know Arie has a penchant for Barbie lookalikes. Two, Jenna’s Instagram is a pretty healthy mix between blatant promotion and real pictures of her life, friends, home-cooked meals, etc. She’s got aspirations of shilling hair vitamins, but she’s pretty down-to-earth despite that. However, looking at Jenna’s IG, one thing becomes clear: She really fucking loves North Carolina. I predict that being a problem when Arie asks if she’d ever relocate to Arizona for him and she answers that question by going on about Raleigh for five solid minutes. He’ll send her home after winning a two-on-one date when he realizes she’ll never leave her hometown.
I did an in-depth review of Bekah’s Instagram, and I’m not going to rehash the same shit I said there, but basically, I see Bekah M getting eliminated on the second night. She’s different enough to make it past the first rose ceremony on the interesting factor alone, but not any farther than that. Personally, I love the pixie cut, but Arie just does not seem like the type of guy who’s down with an alternative artsy chick. Second of all, we’ve pretty definitively concluded that she’s 22 years old. I know Arie likes younger women, but there’s just no way he could keep a 22-year-old around on The Bachelor and live it down.
I personally think there’s a strong chance Caroline will win. She’s gorgeous, she’s funny (peep her captions), and she’s like, a nice person—her Insta story today was a swipe up to donate for Alzheimer’s research. (Please don’t tell the guy I’m dating about my Instagram habits.) Anyway, Caroline is an Instagram model (plus for Arie) who at least seems self-aware (plus for us, the viewers). Am I just saying all this, including that she will win, because she looks like a hotter Vanessa? Maybe.
Kendall is that hot girl who eats a slice of pizza and thinks she’s quirky for doing it. But I think her “guy’s girl who’s clearly just a hot girl who’s out of touch with what women actually like” image will get her pretty far in this competition. She’ll probably like, drop one fact about car racing and Arie will jizz his pants. Also, Kendall has a twin named Kylie. Yes, this is true. No, I don’t know what to do with that information, but I assume Arie will find out at some point, so you know Kendall will at least stick around until hometowns.
See, I personally respect Nysha’s no-thirst-trap approach to Instagram, but I have a feeling that Arie won’t. Her pictures are mostly selfies and memes—which, again, let me reiterate that I fully support—but you’d think that if she even made it decently far into the competition she’d have hooked herself up with a photographer and gotten a few modeling shots up by now. I think Nysha gets eliminated night one because she’s kept her IG too low-key for me to think otherwise. Also, as of 14 hours ago she is still a nurse—so yeah, she definitely packs it in on the first elimination. Good for you, Nysha. Don’t quit your day job. Seriously, the world doesn’t need more FitTea, but we definitely have no shortage of nurses.
I’m conflicted about Seinne. On the one hand, pretty much every photo is from a photoshoot. It’s not a bad thing per se, but it does give me a clue that they probably would have applied to be on The Bachelor regardless of who the Bachelor was. On the other hand, Seinne is gorgeous. I’m not really sure how I feel about the “mind | body | soul” bio, but she seems pretty likable—she has a group pic with a bunch of the contestants—and again, is gorgeous. I think she’ll do pretty well. And now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be looking at Seinne’s abs while shame-eating garlic bread.
That’s all I really have the time or desire to roast today. I did want to mention Marikh and Olivia, who I think will make it decently far because I get the impression that they have big personalities. But I also know that if I delve any further into these Instagram profiles, I’m going to end up breaking down all 30 of them. Therefore, I’m going to quit while I’m ahead. If I am correct about any of these predictions, you all owe me $5.
The list of official contestants competing on Arie’s season of The Bachelor was released last week, and it was a lot to process. But after wading through the sea of Laurens, a few contestants stuck out in my mind. One was Bekah M. I mean, there was just so much about her. The pixie cut. The fact that she tried to hide her age and thought nobody would notice. I mean, that’s basically it. But armed with an unconventional name spelling and the search function on Instagram, I was determined to investigate and see what I could find out about this girl. So after an amount of stalking that I don’t feel comfortable publicly admitting, here’s what I found out about Bekah M.
1. That Cast Picture Really Doesn’t Do Her Justice
First I just have to say that Bekah’s Bachelor promo photo really does not do her justice. Like, you look at her ABC headshot and you think she’s a baby-faced soccer mom. And then you look at her Instagram and you realize damn, this girl’s already a full-blown Instagram model with extremely delicate features who can pull off any hair color or cut. No, I’m not the least bit jealous. What gave you that idea? Honestly, Bekah should sue ABC for that other picture.
2. She Has 4 Siblings
Do I feel kind of gross and ashamed of myself for stalking this girl back into September of 2016? I will plead the fifth. But we know that, if I can do math (which is debatable), Bekah has four siblings, one of whom is this guy, Joel.
3. She Takes Inspiration From Bella Thorne
Bekah took a picture and captioned it, “mama long legs,” which immediately made me think of Bella Thorne’s “Mommi long legs” Instagram. Is it sad and shameful that I was immediately able to recall one of Bella Thorne’s random Instagrams from over a month ago? Um, you tell me. Actually, after cross-checking the dates of both Instagrams, it may be more accurate to say that Bekah inspired Bella Thorne’s caption, because Bekah’s picture was taken in May and Bella’s in October. Or could I just say that
thirst traps great minds think alike and it’s not that far-reaching to think two women would make a daddy long legs pun when showing off their legs? No. Just let me have this.
4. She’s Latina
IDK, I thought that was worth mentioning and pretty cool considering we have four fucking Laurens this season. #Diversity
5. There’s A Good Chance She’s 22
Yes, you could have found this out by checking Reality Steve, but that’s no fun, is it? So this is where I really dove deep into the corners of the internet. I found this post, where Bekah says her birthday is February 10th. Y’all really shouldn’t put anything on the internet because of people like me.
Okay, y’all. Bekah is an Aquarius who’s born on February 10th, AND a Gemini moon sign. One quick Google search reveals that your moon sign is a calculation of the exact date and time of your birth. Holy fucking shit, I am way too excited by this. So I did a little bit of back-checking aka confirmation bias and plugged in February 10th, 1995 into a moon sign calculator, and voilà: the moon was in Gemini on that day. Taking it further, I plugged in February 10th of a few alternate years to make sure that the moon isn’t just always in Gemini on February 10th. On February 10th, 1994, the moon was in Aquarius. In 1993, Libra; in ’92, Taurus; in ’91, Sagittarius; in ’90, Leo; any further back than that and you’re getting too old for Arie. So Bekah was probably born in 1995 and is most likely 22, which would explain why she didn’t put her age on ABC.com.
Then I took it another step further aka I plugged in “Bekah Martinez Fresno ” into Google and I found… a possible match, who was also born in 1995. Somebody call Nev and Max, because I think I need to take my journalistic pursuits to Catfish.
Update: Also apparently there’s this post where she hashtags #21 and it was made on February 10, 2016. But I stand by my methodology.
So to recap: Regardless of how long she lasts on The Bachelor, Bekah is an experienced, albeit very young, Instagram model who is well-equipped for her future FitTea sponsorship. Bekah, if you’re reading this, I look forward to watching your “journey”. Now if you need me, I need to go clear my browser history.
I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 32-year-old single comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I live Tweet every episode @jtrain56. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
This is my annual preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for almost four years. When I first started, Snapchat was just an app to see boobs, and Instagram couldn’t help a person pay rent. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where they were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information and that was my preview. Well, almost like ABC was trying to feed a hate-beast (fun nickname for Jewish aunts), they started doing interviews. So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little information (but a lot more than before). It’s like being with me while I navigate a dating app, except you don’t have to stand next to me while I poop. Please enjoy and follow me on Twitter (@jtrain56) or Instagram (@jaredfreid), where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.
Arie Luyendyk Jr.
There were two reactions to Arie being chosen: “Who?!” and “What about Peter!?!?!” I had a similar reaction. Peter seemed like the obvious choice. He would have been like a “To be continued…” from last season with Rachel. Here’s the problem: last season sucked. Rachel’s season was boring and she chose a loud kissing chiropractor. Also, reality TV needs a little reality. Peter’s DMs are so full that he actually opted to live in Wisconsin. That’s right! He’s getting so much ass and so much business as a trainer that he’s commuting to New York and LA from Wisconsin. You take a subway to work and maybe get drinks with the one guy who will DM you while Peter flies first class and chooses a blowjob from whichever DMer is the most Asian. Oh ya, it’s rumored he has…. umm…a “preference.” Peter’s season would have either looked like orientation at Stanford or you would have known the girl winning just by hearing the last names.
Is there a bright side with Arie? Well, he’s older. At his age he must be looking to settle down. He has money, so pulling the whole Nick move of shoehorning this into an acting career seems off. But then you find out he’s selling real estate and all the sudden Arie sounds a lot like a chiropractor. Let’s hope he’s a quieter kisser.
Ali is a 27-year-old stylist in Oklahoma. Stylist is one of those jobs that could easily be a lie. Are you dressing personalities up for the local Oklahoma news? Or do you spend 15 minutes on the phone with a first-year accountant who just signed up for trunk club?
My favorite interview question is the following:
What does being married mean to you? Commitment and being your whole, true, imperfect self with someone. You both accept each other—flaws and all!
Anytime you hear someone repeat a single thing in an interview question, there’s way more about that thing. Ali centers her whole answer on flaws and imperfections. She either has or once had an STD, and she definitely doesn’t get along with her sister. This means she will go VERY far in this competition.
Amber is a 29-year-old “business owner” from Denver, Colorado. Denver, Colorado is quickly moving up the charts of “Most Annoying Social Media Place A Post-Grad Can Live.” New York is number one on that list, thanks to the romance women attach to a place where men are openly masturbating on the subways. LA is number two (we’ve been on a hike before and you didn’t dress like a kid playing pickup basketball in the 90s a month ago). But Denver might be third. It’s a secondary city that people constantly try to push as a city someone spent their life dreaming about. But the harder they push, the more we think you had a mental breakdown when you couldn’t find a boyfriend in Atlanta and now we all have to pay with a forced hashtag under the picture of a mountain. I think Amber is one of these awfuls. Just look at this answer:
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Hold a HUGE python in Thailand. I hate snakes so this was crazy for me. I wanted to feel like Britney Spears at the VMAs, I did not.
No, Amber. That’s not outrageous. Going to Thailand on your parents’ dime and forcing a guy who works at a snake farm to place a drugged-out python in your hands isn’t outrageous. Being in your twenties, claiming you own a business, and then spending zero time promoting that business in an interview for a show you’re about to be on IS outrageous.
Annaliese is 32. Oh my. Coming on the Bachelor at 32 is like buying a lottery ticket at 65 because you forgot to contribute to the 401k.
This interview answer should explain everything:
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? Any Disney character that has a happily ever after with a prince.
Maybe she’ll still be single at 52 when Prince Harry gets a divorce.
I like Ashley. She’s 25, and she does real estate in West Palm Beach. That’s not exactly an easy place to do real estate. It’s high-end. It takes a certain type of go-getter woman. It’s basically the opposite of anyone who just told you about their food themed Instagram account.
Here’s a question that makes me like Ashley:
Would you consider yourself a lover of art? I would! But I’m not an expert.
That answer could have very easily devolved into utter chick bullshit about museums and loving art and her time “living in Florence” when she actually lived in the piazza that the university of Michigan and Wisconsin split. She gave the most honest answer to art I’ve actually ever seen a girl in her twenties give about art in my life. I’m cheering for Ashley.
Becca K will not be winning The Bachelor. Her interview might be the most boring that I’ve ever read. Consider these answers:
What are five things you can’t live without? Chapstick, facial lotion, bobby pins, popcorn, and stamps.
What is your biggest date fear? That we will run out of things to talk about and not mesh well together or having food stuck in my teeth.
Imagine for a second you’re on a date with someone and you’re like “what can’t you live without?!” And the other person says “Popcorn.” And you’re like “No really!!” And they’re like “bobby pins.” And you’re like “HaHAHA No come on!” And they’re like “Stamps.” And then you open your eyes and you realize you’ve been on a date with the self checkout machine at CVS.
Bekah M is already getting attention for her pixie cut. If you’re wondering why Hillary lost, think of this story being an actual story that someone wrote about for Yahoo! and 800 other women commented on.
I think Bekah is going to do well because she says she likes being the center of attention. Also, her haircut is different enough for Arie to be like “That hot chick with the short hair has to stay” during the first couple of weeks when he doesn’t know anyone’s names. Lastly, Bekah’s aspirations below are seemingly made for her to run away with a rich guy with a lot of Instagram followers who DMed her while she’s still on the show:
Where do you see yourself in five years? Teaching art or owning an art studio for children, hopefully married and planning to have babies!
I promise you see Bekah at a Manhattan Beach Starbucks with two kids and a huge ring in five years.
Bri is going to be the girl your boyfriend loves and you really hate. She’s the girl who wears a baseball cap and other girls describe her with the backhanded compliment of “Guys think she’s hot.” I know this because she’s a sports reporter who, in her interview, casually mentions that she won an Emmy and would be a great quarterback if she won football. There’s such a thing as being “too cool” with the opposite sex. Her interview came off that way. Oh, I also know you won’t like her because I had a boner the whole time I wrote this paragraph. You will not like her, I will love her.
Bibiana is an executive assistant living in Miami, and she couldn’t look more like an executive assistant from Miami. She looks like she’d be the mean executive assistant in a rom-com who goes by “Bib” and enunciates her consonants when she says a catty comment to the overworked copywriter we all want to win the guy. Like, look at this answer from her interview:
If you could be any animal, which one and why? A free orca. I’d love to live in the ocean and they move around, plus they keep their fam tight.
Who specifies that they’d be a “free orca?!” As if any of us are wishing we’d be Shamu howling for freedom. I can hear the copywriter saying “I’d be an orca” and then Bib interrupting her to say “I guess you don’t care about the caged Orca population at Sea World…” and then a bunch of idiots would be in the background looking disgusted.
I don’t think Arie is going to be able to handle Brittane J. Arie looks like the guy from high school who everyone thought was gay but ended up just being really into fashion. Brittane J looks like she only types sentences with the clapping emoji between each word. I see myself liking Brittane J and wondering if Arie knows too much about cuts of jeans.
I have a feeling Brittany T is going to be a fun contestant because she seems a little dramatic. Just look at this interview question:
Where do you meet guys? I don’t… jk. The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings.
Considering all the men being accused of sexual misconduct, I think these two guys who ghosted Brittany T are getting a raw deal.
Caroline is a 26-year-old realtor from Massachusetts, and here’s an answer no guy wants to date:
Do you have any pets? No dogs yet. I’m waiting for someone to co-parent a dog with! I do have a plant, his name is Phil.
Anyone who uses the word “parent” in reference to their pet is a pain to date. Honestly, when does it all end? Are you getting her a card for Mother’s Day? Will you have to act like a dog’s grounding is a serious thing? Will she be breastfeeding a dog? All of these scenarios are on the table when someone says they’re looking for a co-parent for a dog. Oh, and have fun saying goodnight to a plant named Phil.
Chelsea is a 29-year-old “real estate executive assistant” from “South Portland Maine.” Or as normal people would say it, she’s a “secretary from Portland, Maine.” I love The Bachelor because it’s a mirror on our own bullshit. Chelsea is every guy you saw over Thanksgiving from high school whose job took 10 minutes to explain because it was a shitty job.
Before anything, let’s all agree that Jacqueline spelled with a “cq” looks the most Jacqueline spelled with a “cq” we’ve ever seen. I feel like she took that picture before going on a date night with her husband she met in her Staten Island High school.
Now, let’s look at a shocking interview question:
What do you do for a living and how important is your career to you? I work for a psychiatry research lab. It’s important experience before getting a Ph.D. in chemical psychology. My career is very important to me.
Can we make a rule? If you’re a doctor and you ever go on a reality show to get a husband, it should be on the wall next to your Ph.D. One diploma and one picture of you and Chris Harrison. I just feel like I should have the right to know as a patient.
Jenna is a 28-year-old social media manager from Indiana. Now what the hell is that? I meet a social media manager in NYC or LA and I’m like, “ok I guess that could be a job.” But in Indiana? Is she tweeting for the local Arby’s? At least she’ll be ready once she receives her 200,000 person Instagram follower gift bag from the show. Ugh.
Jenny is 25 years old and from Chicago, and she answers one question with how she wants to hang out on Sundays eating pizza.
I’m really happy the whole “pizza as a personality” age is passing us by. Maybe Jenny is the last one. I hope she gets out of the limo holding a large pizza in a to go box and as she’s about to speak, Arie goes, “Shhh.” And then he turns to the camera and angrily says, “THIS WON’T CUT IT ANYMORE!!” And then she’s like, “It’s not like there’s pineapple HAHA.” Then Arie shakes his head and sends her home right there and a million girls change their Instagram captions.
Jessica is going to win. I’ll call it right now. She’s gorgeous. She’s a TV host, so she knows what producers want to stay on the show. She builds homes for the homeless. And she’s Canadian. I don’t know what it is, but Canadian women are usually pretty cool about sex. They’re just better at keeping it casual and not making a guy feel like it’s a contract for future marriage, which makes a guy want them more. I mean, look at this answer she gave:
What is your favorite all-time book and why? Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. She is a role model and I love to live life with a “YES” perspective!
Oh do you, Jessica?!! Excuse me, I have to go say yes to Jessica on Instagram.
Let’s try something new for Kendall. I don’t see her winning. But I want to show you what goes through a guy’s head while reading these interviews. This isn’t edited. It’s exactly what I thought after reading her answers to questions:
If you could be any animal, which one and why? Bat – flying mammal! My sister said my spirit animal was a bat because I see beauty in dark things.
Kendall has dated men that would make me cross the street if I saw them approaching.
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? I once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train. No lie.
Yup. Nailed it.
What are five things you can’t live without? Reading, family, love, curiosity and cheese.
Maybe it was that bible she was reading that made her drive a car off a ramp.
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? James Kirk from Star Trek because I’d love to explore crazy worlds.
Has. Done. Butt. Stuff.
What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? My ex gave me an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar! I collect taxidermy so it was sweet to me.
Wow. I really nailed that boyfriend/butt stuff prediction.
What does your ideal mate look like? Tall, easy smile, can survive a zombie apocalypse-type body.
I’m a genius who now hates his body.
Krystal is a 29-year-old fitness coach from Montana, and she gets a very difficult question in her interview. So difficult that she answers with a question:
Are you a country or a city person? Can you ever take the country out of the girl?
I don’t know, Krystal, can you? What if she gets to the final four on The Bachelor and has an Instagram following that grows to over 500k and she’s invited to the pool party at Tao and she gets a manager and an agent and a few bucks to toss around a promo code to sell some tea?! Are you still going to be yee-hawing around LA in two years while you’re auditioning to be “Girl Two” on a Lifetime movie? I guess we will find out.
We’ve hit the “Lauren” section of the lineup (there are four). And something that’s a major plot point of each of these interviews centers on a love for Disney princesses. I’ve seen a version of this answer five times already:
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? Elsa, because I’ve always wanted to be a Disney princess.
What a letdown for a group of women fetishizing the Disney princess motif. Their “Prince Charming” is a guy who sells real estate and probably has marketing with a bunch of formula one puns.
Lauren G’s answer to this question is why it’s fun to be a man:
Do you believe in “fairy tale” romance? I don’t necessarily believe in fairy tales, but I do believe in things being meant to be.
This is how girls respond when they ask why you follow someone on Instagram. “Who is big booty Becca?” She’ll ask. And you’ll be like, “High school friend. I’m just here to support. Is that a problem?” And she’ll be like, “Not at all but I’m just wondering who you want to be seen supporting.”
Dating in 2017 is fun!
Lauren J (our 3rd Lauren, for those of you counting at home)
Lauren J is a 33-year-old “recent masters graduate” (that’s her job title) which means Lauren absolutely HATES reality. I mean, look at this answer:
What are five things you can’t live without? Mama, my nephews, porch swings, mascara and love.
Porch swings? What Nicholas Sparks novel did you come from?
I’m even more sure because she’s 33 and just getting done with school and she can’t perform brain surgery. I know this type. She graduated college, realized the world wasn’t just studying and getting the grade you deserve, so she went back to school figuring she’d find a husband, and she stayed in school while blaming being single on being busy and the craziness of studying and then she looked around and realized she’s hot and 33 and she’s like “Fuck work, I’m getting an Instagram following!” And now here she is “looking for love.”
Our last Lauren is our most basic contestant. In her interview she claims she’d like to be an otter because they cuddle and then writes, “Goals.” She aspires to be in Taylor Swift’s “girl squad,” she calls herself a nerd, says she’d “die” if she went to Hamilton, and guess what? She LOVES avocado.
Do these people even hear themselves? It’s like she just read five memes in a row and called that her personality. 10 bucks says she’s shown saying the word “Iconic” eight times this season.
Yes, that’s her name. No, there isn’t mention of her cultural background and the derivation of Maquel in her interview. But don’t worry, she did write “mmm… Ryan Gosling” when asked about her ideal mate.
Maquel is a 23-year-old photographer who is literally unbelievable looking. I think being hot is how you become a photographer. You take a picture with a bunch of friends and your post gets way more “likes” than all the other girls who posted it. And you’re like “Wow, people love my photography!” Then you post a selfie and that gets tons of likes and you’re like “Wow, these guys must love the angles I’m choosing.” And then you’re on a family vacation and you have your Dad take a tasteful bathing suit picture while laying in the sand. And all of a sudden you’re around 10k followers and you’re like, “I guess I’m a photographer now!”
If Arie has a thing for Kim Kardashian, then Marikh is his girl. It’s funny that she writes “Restaurant Owner” and then later reveals her mom is a chef at the restaurant. As if “hotter Kim Kardashian” who’s going to be on The Bachelor started a middle eastern restaurant and threw her mom in the kitchen. Does she think we’re all that dumb? Does she think we all don’t know that her parents immigrated to Salt Lake City, saw the need for great middle eastern food, then put their blood, sweat, and tears into a now-successful restaurant?! At least give them the credit and write “Hostess at my parents’ restaurant” as your job title so we can all feel ok with our own nine-to-five jobs where we aren’t a hotter Kim Kardashian.
Nysha is a nurse. The nurses are always the most sane on the show, because it’s a job that would actually give you the time to do it and you could hypothetically move to Arie’s sad life in Arizona. I mostly like Nysha because of this interview answer:
What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done? Skydiving and applying to be on a reality TV show where millions of people will judge you—no pressure!
Isn’t it crazy that there’s all these girls answering all these questions and she’s the only one to have ANY humility about this whole thing?! Nysha is us. We are Nysha. I am Groot.
Olivia gives the following answer:
Who do you admire the most in the world and why? My mother. Having a child at a young age and continuing her education as a nurse is not an easy task. She made me into the woman I have become today.
Which means we are DEFINITELY getting a puff piece from Olivia’s hometown during the first episode. “Mom at a young age” and armed services always get the at-home treatment. And because of this, Olivia will last two weeks longer than we expect and the montage about her mom might be played at the next Women’s March.
Two answer show me why Seinne is going to be a really fun contestant:
What are five things you can’t live without? Yoga mat, passport, lip gloss, sunglasses and the ocean.
What’s your favorite holiday? New Year’s Eve—new beginnings and lots of champagne.
Those two questions could be easily answered to make someone look good. Seinne went the other way. They were like, “What makes you happy?! Friends and family? The porch you sit on with your grandma!? Thanksgiving?!” And Sienna was like, “Give me the lip gloss and champagne, bitch!”
Here’s one of Tia’s answers:
What is the best trip you have ever been on and why? Cancun to a random swingers resort. HA! It was actually fun.
Umm what?! What did you say, Tia? Tia, the girl who looks like a hotter JoJo (didn’t think that was possible), what did you just say?!?
This is what Tia should say to Arie right after getting out of the limo. Can you imagine? If I was Arie and Tia looked at me and was like “Ya I used to swing! It was fun! See you in the house!” The camera would cut to me holding a trapper keeper in front of my crotch.
Valerie is a 25-year-old waitress in Nashville who claims her biggest achievement is buying a house. Which begs the question—how much are you girls spending on these bachelorette parties in Nashville?!? Their waitresses are buying land and taking off a few months to get an Instagram following! Are you tipping them in diamonds?! Should I move to Nashville to become a valet?! Valerie might have just ruined my ability to feel better than everyone on the show.