Sometime in the new millennium it got really cool to shit on everything popular. Sure, it’s very easy to take the “that’s because everything popular is shit” stance. I’m going take a stance in this article that some may consider a #HotTake, but I’m going to fucking stand by this shit and admit that you can like something that’s popular unironically, even if that something is, in fact, Taylor Swift. Dun dun dunnnnnnn.
Let’s take it back a few years, say, 2006. Taylor Swift was new on the scene. She was writing country music songs and just being generally genuine AF. She had that curly hair that’s literally impossible to get. Seriously, no real human has Taylor circa ’06 hair. Anyway, Tay was building a pretty solid fanbase of lovesick teenagers and country music fans, aka middle America types who are just real salt-of-the-Earth people. Remember that Nashville loved Taylor first, long before L.A. and New York caught on.
No one really had that big of a problem with Nashville Taylor. The problems really started after she started crossing over into pop… orrrr it could be when she started dating hot celebrity dudes and feuding with their exes. Yeah, that’s probably more like it.
So let’s examine what made you start hating on Taylor initially: the fact she could date dudes who would never be interested in you. Was that it? Are you secretly jealous of Taylor Swift? That’s so desperate and weird of you. It’s not her fault that Jake Gyllenhaal and Joe Jonas and a motherfucking Kennedy fell for her. That has nothing to do with you, honey. So calm down.
And sure, you could argue that she was putting down other women for stealing her men—*cough* Camilla Belle *cough*—but think about this: Taylor has never confirmed who any of her songs are about. It’s kind of fucked up to vehemently hate someone based on conjecture, right? What if her songs are about random non-famous people? I mean, they’re probably about famous people, but it simply can’t be proven beyond a reasonable doubt.
Ok, you’re probably not buying all this Psychology 101 explanation of “why you really hate Taylor” shit. So let’s get to this before I have a legit Chris Crocker meltdown in her defense.
If you’ve ever cried in your teenage bedroom to “Teardrops on My Guitar”, if you held a weird dorm dance party to “22”, if you’ve ever blasted “Blank Space” on repeat, you need to step off your Taylor hate for a minute and reflect on all the good times she gave you. I’m not saying you need to bust out an “I heart T.S.” shirt, but you can calm your shit on the hate for a minute.
Sure, you could argue “I can hate the person and still like the music”, but can you? Really? That seems like bullshit to me. And if you really hated her, truly, you’d never listen to her again, because every time you do, she’s laughing all the way to the bank. Suck on that for a second.
I feel like most of this hate comes from the fact that millennials think hating things is cool. And if you’re ruling that reason out and you hate her for no reason in an Anne Hathaway-type way, I can’t help you.
Yes, I get that it’s hard to get behind an adult who wears Keds, but face it, you’ll give Reputation a chance. You still follow her on Insta to see what she’s up to. You’re sipping a lot of Haterade for someone you’re so obsessed with.
If you hate her because you’re still mad about the Kanye/Kim feud, step back and realizing you’re standing your ground in defense of the Kardashians. That’s also a weird stance to take. Those people do not need you on their side, they don’t even know who you are.
On that note, neither does Taylor and you’re going to keep buying her music, so it probably doesn’t matter to her whether you hate her or not. Which is kind of like, the betchiest thing one could do—she keeps on making money off her haters and not changing anything about herself no matter what. I’m into it.
If there’s one thing we all know about Taylor Swift, it’s that she loves writing songs about the A-listers she’s fucked dated. And that she’s annoying. Okay, that’s two things. Whatever. While we know that each and every one of Taylor’s lyrical roasts are about some real man out in the world, it can be hard for anyone but Taylor’s most dedicated stans to keep together who she’s dated and when, let alone which songs correspond to their breakup. Given that Taylor Swift’s love life is a literal rubix cube of hookups, it can be hard to figure out which of Taylor’s boyfriends each of her songs is about. Like, when was she dating Joe Jonas again? Was that really NINE years ago? Has Taylor Swift really been famous for the entirety of my adult life? How can one person be so annoying yet so good at writing breakup songs?
Well, I can’t offer you an explanation for the last one, but what I can offer you is a detailed timeline of all of Taylor’s exes and the songs she wrote about them, because I have way too much time on my hands, apparently. Use this info to wow your friends at a party, or make them concerned for your mental health. Either way, it’s free attention.
Taylor Swift, 2006
Taylor Swift’s debut album, from back when she was a country star or whatever, is mostly about the high school guys she dated who people only know about now because Taylor became so famous. Still, this album was a pretty good precursor to all the take-downs of her celebrity boyfriends yet to come. In fact, we actually know a surprising amount about the boys in this album, all because they made the mistake of dating Taylor Swift when she was in high school.
“Picture To Burn”
ABOUT: Jordan Alford
WHO HE IS: High school boyfriend
THE EVIDENCE: Friends have said the video “contained references to their relationship.” Because just writing a song about someone is not enough.
“Teardrops On My Guitar”
ABOUT: Drew Hardwick
WHO HE IS: High school crush
THE EVIDENCE: Well I mean, she literally says his name at the beginning of the song. Bold move for a not-yet-famous 16-year-old with crimped hair. Taylor truly has been insane for years.
ABOUT: Brandon Borello
WHO HE IS: Longterm High School Boyfriend, he and Taylor dated for like, a very long time apparently.
THE EVIDENCE: Originally performed at HS talent show when the two of them were dating. You know, before she realized she could start getting with Jonas brothers and shit.
“Should’ve Said No”
ABOUT: Sam Armstrong
WHO IS HE: HS boyfriend who cheated on her. Little did he know that the girl he was cheating on would become a mega famous pop star known for her epic breakup anthems.
THE EVIDENCE: In the liner notes for this song every S A and M that are in order were capitalized because Taylor Swift is nothing if not a shady, shady bitch who lacks subtlety.
ABOUT: Brandon Borello
WHO HE IS: Again, this was her longterm high school boyfriend who may or may not be the only ex that Taylor Swift actually likes.
THE EVIDENCE: Lyrics about breaking up for college, which they did. I guess the only way to escape Taylor’s rage is to break up mutually, for geographic reasons.
Fearless still falls into Taylor Swift’s pop-country phase, but also represents a definite shift in her dating habits because it was released after her first major celebrity relationship with Joe Jonas. It would be only A-lister for Taylor from here on out.
ABOUT: Brandon Borello
WHO HE IS: Her longeterm high school boyfriend, again. Taylor clearly was still hung up on this relationship despite the whole “getting super fucking famous” thing. Maybe the reason Taylor can’t seem to hold down a relationship is because her true love was Brandon the whole time? Just a thought.
THE EVIDENCE: This is who she was dating when she was 15 so yeah the song is about him.
ABOUT: Stephen Liles
WHO IS HE: Some musician who toured with Taylor and is part of the country duo Love & Theft. This was clearly Taylor’s first attempt at celebrity dating, but I think we all knew she could do better.
THE EVIDENCE: His name is literally the title of the song.
“Forever & Always”
ABOUT: Joe Jonas
WHO IS HE: Arguably the hottest Jonas brother, Joe was Taylor’s first big celebrity relationship. The two dated from July 2008 to October 2008 at which point Joe dumped Taylor over the phone. Big mistake, Joe. Huge.
THE EVIDENCE: Lyrics about “staring at the phone” after Taylor had gone all over television to tell people Joe had dumped her over the phone. Clearly she wanted people to get the reference. Very subtle, Tay.
Speak Now, 2010
By 2010, Taylor is still fucking with the country vibe, but has fully converted to only dating celebrities. In the two years between 2008 and 2010, Taylor had already gone through one Jonas brother, a Glee castmember, one of the Twilight guys, and an alcoholic John Mayer. Girl clearly had an agenda, and honestly her ability to cross pop culture heartthrobs off her “to do” list is kind of inspiring.
ABOUT: Cory Monteith
WHO HE IS: Late great star of Glee. RIP.
EVIDENCE: Before Cory and Leah Michele were a thing, he had a month long fling with Taylor Swift. And a month is all Taylor needs to write a song. This one is about a boy she barely knew, and many people think she’s referring to Monteith.
“Back To December”
ABOUT: Taylor Lautner
WHO HE IS: The werewolf from Twilight who falls in love with Kristen Stewart’s baby in the end.
EVIDENCE: Okay, so this is a bit of a journey. Basically, Swifties think this song was meant to be an apology from Taylor S to Taylor L after they’d just broken up because when Taylor S performed this song at the AMA’s she added “it’s too late to ‘pologize” at the end, which taken to be a reference to a parody video Taylor L made for “Apologize” by One Republic around that same time. Like I said—a rubix cube of hookups.
ABOUT: John Mayer
WHO HE IS: Katy Perry’s ex.
EVIDENCE: As we all know, 20-year-old Taylor Swift briefly dated thousand-year-old John Mayer from December 2009 to February 2010, which would eventually spawn the Katy Perry/Taylor Swift rivalry of today (anybody who believes that shit is about a backup dancer is playing themselves). The song both has John’s name in the title and refers to the pair’s age difference, so I think it’s pretty safe to say this one is about John Mayer. Also John Mayer told Rolling Stone the song “humiliated him” which is hilarious considering he had no shame in dating a woman only two years out of high school.
“Better Than Revenge”
ABOUT: Joe Jonas
Evidence: If you thought Joe Jonas was going to get away with leaving Taylor for actress Camilla Belle, then you don’t know Taylor Swift at all. This song goes in not only on Jonas, but his new girlfriend, with lyrics referring to an “actresses” who’s “better known for the things that she does on the mattress” (sick burn, Tay!) and the line “she underestimated just who she was stealing from,” which is honestly probably very true.
ABOUT: Joe Jonas
EVIDENCE: Joe Jonas, you done fucked up now. JJ had to learn the hard way that you do not dump Taylor Swift on the phone for some rando actress without having any less than three pointed breakup songs about you. The timeline of relationship vs. when song was released points to this one being another dig at Joe.
Red was the first album where we see Taylor make the full shift from country star to pop artist, and honestly, it’s one of her best. Taylor had also had two more years to grow her celebrity fuck list, which is why Red has pound for pound the most songs about the most celebs than any of her previous or later works. Taylor had fully established her reputation as the breakup queen at this point, and Red is basically her just leaning wayyyy into it.
“State of Grace”
ABOUT: Jake Gyllenhaal
Who He Is: Maggie Gyllenhaal’s brother who got to hook up with Heath Ledger in that one movie.
EVIDENCE: Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift dated from October 2010 to January 2011, which is pretty long in Swift years. As such, basically every song on Red is about Jake Gyllenhaal. The lyric “Twin Fire Signs and Four Blue Eyes” gives this one away. Jake and Taylor both have blue eyes, and they’re both Sagittarius, which is a fire sign.
ABOUT: Conor Kennedy
WHO HE IS: A fucking Kennedy.
EVIDENCE: From July 2012 – October 2012, Taylor decided to move away from celbrity A-listers to literal American royalty by dating a Kennedy, and she promptly fucked that relationship right up. The two broke up after reports that Taylor came on wayyyy too strong (the prospect of being the next Jackie O was too much for Taylor to handle). Taylor reportedly straight up followed Conor via private jet to his family vacation on Hyannis Port. T-Swizzle literally bought a house in Hyannis Port, the Kennedys’ favorite vaca spot. The lyric “I’ll follow you home” is supposed to be a (very creepy) reference to this event.
“I Knew You Were Trouble”
ABOUT: Harry Styles
WHO HE IS: Hottest guy in one direction who isn’t Zayn Malik.
EVIDENCE: Taylor gave this one away when she performed the song at the Grammy’s and used the opportunity to show off her mock British accent (needs work, btw). Then, in case Harry didn’t get the message, she went on TV and said of the performance “It’s not hard to access that emotion when the person the song is about is standing off to the side of the stage watching.” Also, Harry Styles is totally trouble, and you would know it if he walked in.
“We Are Never Getting Back Together”
ABOUT: Jake Gyllenhaal
EVIDENCE: One of Red‘s biggest his is also another one about Jake, and it’s fairly obvious. She references his indie band directly here. Also they had like, just broken up. Plus, Taylor stans say that a scarf featured in the music video is identical to one Swift wore on date with Jake. Sidebar: If you’re so into Taylor Swift that you notice something like this, you are disturbed.
“All Too Well“
ABOUT: Jake Gyllenhaal, again
EVIDENCE: It’s this scarf shit again! This song refers to a “scarf” left at “your sister’s house,” which I guess is a reference to a scarf that Taylor left at Maggie Gyllenhaal’s house. Very deep.
“Everything Has Changed”
ABOUT: Conor Kennedy
EVIDENCE: As you may or may not know, Taylor Swift has taken to hiding messages in the liner notes of her CDs. This made more sense when people were actually buying CDs, but whatever. The hidden liner note message for this song reads “HYIANNIS PORT,” which is a misspelled version of “Hyannis Port,” aka the place where 22-yea-old Taylor Swift stalked 18-year-old Conor Kennedy until (we assume) he dumped her out of fear.
“The Last Time”
ABOUT: Jake Gyllenhaal
EVIDENCE: Okay so Taylor Swift must have really, really liked Jake Gyllenhaal. I mean, he’s cute and all but like, is he 4+ songs on what is arguably your best album cute? IDK. Swifties say this song is about Jake because of the lyric “Put my name at the top of your list,” since Jake had been linked to both Rachel Bilson and Anna Kendrick at the time.
ABOUT: Joe Jonas
EVIDENCE: Just when you thought Taylor was over the whole Joe Jonas dumping her on the phone thing, she’s fucking not! This song is all about NYC, and at the time Joe was her only NYC-based boyfriend. You do the math.
I think we have all had at least 2-3 good angry public cries to 1989 since the time it has come out. If not, you’re probably dead inside, and I commend you for it. This album was the nail in the coffin for Taylor’s “country girl” image as she went full pop star and honestly, we didn’t hate it. 1989 is full of amazing breakup tunes, but there’s actually a surprising lack of info regarding who each of these songs are about.
“Welcome To New York”
ABOUT: New York
WHO HE IS: The greatest city in the world.
THE EVIDENCE: New York City literally paid Taylor Swift to write a song about them, because there totally aren’t enough songs about New York. Hard to tell who is more desperate here.
WHO HE IS: ????
THE EVIDENCE: I only put this here because, given that “Blank Space” is one of the biggest singles off the album, it’s kind of crazy we don’t know who this one is about. Could it be about Taylor’s breakup with the public’s favor, after we all wised up and realized she’s fucking insane? That’s just my theory. If you have any info re: “Blank Space”’s mystery man, please forward them to the Senate Intelligence Committee immediately. The people demand an investigation.
ABOUT: Harry Styles
THE EVIDENCE: I mean, the song is called “Style.” Also, the lead in the music video looks exactly like him.
“Out Of The Woods”
ABOUT: Harry Styles, again
EVIDENCE: Harry Styles is the big winner for 1989. This song refers to paper airplanes, which is probably a reference to the matching paper plane necklaces Taylor and Harry had while they were together (barf), also she talks about “snowmobiles,” which is apparently something they did together.
ABOUT: Katy Perry
WHO SHE IS: Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairwoman/pop star with boobs.
EVIDENCE: I know they never dated, but Taylor Swift is literally obsessed with Katy Perry, so it’s almost like they did. Everyone knows this song is about Taylor’s feud with KP over John Mayer a backup dancer. And the whole girl gang music video thing was obviously an attempt to show Katy and the world who is more popular. Pettines Level: High.
As you can see, Taylor Swift is both a lyrical genius, and a fucking delusional psychopath. Who has the time to hide so many clues in so many songs? But you know what they say, “the more batshit the betch, the better the pop album.” So how did everything shake out, numbers-wise? Congrats to Joe Jonas and Jake Gyllenhaal for tying for first place with 4 songs apiece. Honestly, you’re in incredible company. Though of course, they could always be knocked out of first if Taylor’s next album turns out to just be a 12 song manifesto about her relationship with Tom Hiddleston. Sounds horrible but, knowing Taylor, she’d find some way to make the whole thing catchy AF.
Yesterday, we told you about Taylor Swift’s self-imposed social media blackout, and talked about all the things it might mean. A lot can fucking happen in 24 hours.
On Monday, the ~blank space~ of Taylor’s social media profiles was replaced by a 10-second video that appears to be some sort of metallic snake slithering. Today, she put up another snake video that’s basically the exact same as the first one. There’s no sound in either video, and they’re over as quickly as you think you have it figured out. Taylor, so mysterious!!
Barring the slight chance that this is the work of Russian hackers, this almost certainly means Taylor is teasing us about new music she’ll be releasing soon. Unnamed sources are saying that a single and video are likely dropping this Friday, with an album to follow this fall. One alleged insider said that Taylor’s “being very secretive about it, but it’s going to be a really good one.” So basically these sources don’t actually know anything, but it seems likely that their basic timeline is right.
So now that we know new music is coming soon, what can we get out of these dumb snake videos? It seems like Taylor is trying to reclaim the snake narrative that she’s found herself in (you know, the one she begged to be excluded from?), which would probably be a smart move at this point. Half the population thinks she’s a fucking narc, and the other half are under the age of 13, so Taylor will have to work extra hard to get our Spotify streams.
This is obviously still a developing story, just like Taylor is still trying to develop a personality that doesn’t suck. But be prepared for new music this Friday by making sure you have a fresh set of earplugs and some wine to calm your nerves. Thanks for joining us on this episode of #TaylorWatch2k17.
Taylor Swift has been in the news recently for winning her sexual harassment lawsuit, but other than that it’s been months since we’ve heard from her. She hasn’t been posting online or making public appearances, and so we knew something had to be up sooner or later. It was all just too quiet, and then on Friday, something happened: everything disappeared.
All of Taylor’s social media accounts were dismantled piece by piece, with every old tweet and Instagram getting thrown in the dumpster fire that is 2017. Her profile pictures went away, and it was almost like she never existed (if only). So what the fuck is happening? Here are the most likely explanations.
There’s a really solid possibility that this is Taylor getting ready to drop new music. Her social media shutdown happened on the 3-year anniversary of her announcing 1989, so it seems like her mind must be on the next project. We’re just really hoping that the hip-hop album she was allegedly working on turns out to be just a rumor. If Taylor starts rapping we will beg for North Korea to drop a nuke and just end it now.
Our favorite possible explanation is that Taylor blacked out her social media in honor of the solar eclipse that everyone is losing their minds about. So far, we’ve experience three days of T-Swift social media totality, and if she makes a comeback it’s definitely going to hurt our eyes. Taylor is super extra, so we wouldn’t put something like this past her.
She’s Just Tired
Maybe this is Taylor just throwing in the towel once and for all, because the pressure is just too much. She got an Anna Wintour haircut and won more Grammys last time, so how could she possibly live up to that hype again? It’s okay Taylor, if you want to leave the spotlight, just DM us the address of your New York City apartment and we will gladly move in.
A Shitty Intern
Taylor probably has a whole team of people that help run her social media, but maybe there’s one really incompetent summer intern who like, put her elbow on the wrong button and everything was just gone? There’s like a 0% chance this is actually what happened, but we still love the thought of Taylor fucking losing her shit at a 19-year-old for ruining her followers ratio on Instagram.
She Got Drunk And Accidentally Liked One Of Her Ex’s Instagrams From 64 Weeks Ago
I mean, we’ve all been there, and at that point your only options are to erase all your social media presence or move to Africa.
So which one is it? It could be all of them! It could be none of them! But most likely, it’s a new album. Brace yourselves, Taylor is coming.
As I watched The Bachelorette
this morning while I was pretending to be too sick to go into work last night, one thing kept popping up in my head over and over: Lee is a snake. You know who is also a snake? Taylor Swift. And then it dawned on me: these two would low-key be perfect for each other. Taylor is supposedly dating some unknown British actor who still lives with his parents, which really means she’s pretending to be taken until someone better (read: more famous) comes along to see for themselves if the rumors are true sweep her off her feet. Because I have basically made a career out of hating Taylor Swift, and because I also hate people who are blatantly, unapologetically racist, I’m going to elaborate on why these two need to get together ASAP.
1. They’re Both Snakes
I know I said that in the first paragraph, but it bears repeating. Taylor Swift is an established snake (there are probably still Kimye fans out there commenting snake emojis under Taylor’s Instagrams as we speak), while if I had taken a shot for every time this episode Kenny called Lee a snake, I would have probably set a record for the first daytime hospital admittance for alcohol poisoning. But let’s look at the receipts, shall we? We all remember the Snapchat Heard Round The World of 2016, wherein Kim posted a snipped of an alleged phone call between Taylor and Kanye over the “Famous” lyrics. Lee, meanwhile, is still provoking Kenny and even went so far as to make up a ridiculous lie about Kenny trying to physically drag him out of a van, when we can assume that didn’t happen because ABC would never pass up a chance for ratings. So yeah, they’re both people who will go to extreme measures to look like victims. Another interesting element: the targets of both their lies have been black men. Now, that could just be a coincidence seeing as Lee is a certified racist while Taylor is simply delusionally committed to playing the victim at all costs. Then again, she has a high-powered team of
enablers publicists behind her who could have been all too willing to exploit the centuries-old stereotype that black men are out to get white women, and she certainly wouldn’t be the first white woman to try to accuse a black man of something he didn’t do just to try to save her own reputation…. *removes tinfoil hat*
2. They’re Both Singer-Songwriters
Another obvious one, but again, it needs to be pointed out. Taylor and Lee both lived in Nashville, so I’m sure they’d have lots to talk about beyond what most of us know about Nashville aka what we saw in that one episode of Master of None. They are also both singer-songwriters, which is kind of a given when you live in Nashville, but it serves as another reason why they’re meant to be together. They could spend their days critiquing each other’s music and writing passive-aggressive diss tracks every time they get in a fight. They would also mutually benefit off of each other’s fame—Lee is currently more well-known than Taylor’s random British boyfriend, so Tay Tay could leverage his moment in the spotlight. Meanwhile, Lee will only be famous for about another week or so; therefore, he needs the continued
media shit storm publicity that only being linked to Taylor can provide.
3. They’re Both Successful At Dating Despite Being The Worst
Sure, I know that “coming across as manipulative and kinda crazy through your music” and “genuinely thinking the KKK and the NAACP are analagous organizations” are not quite on the same level of evil, but hear me out. Taylor, despite being a proven crazy ex-girlfriend who will spare no cost when it comes to making her ex look bad (just want Calvin to know he’s still got hitters out here), still manages to get all kinds of famous boyfriends. (Meanwhile I’ve never even tried to take credit for any of my ex’s accomplishments and I can’t even get a text back. Go figure.) Lee, on the other hand, is STILL ON THE BACHELORETTE (as of press time) despite being exposed as the human equivalent of gas station sushi. All the guys know Lee is terrible—even sweet, sweet Dean. All of the American public knows that Taylor is vindictive and petty. AND YET THEY STILL GET DATES. I would ask what their secret is, but I’m pretty sure Lee is just on here for the ratings and Taylor Swift is actively paying people to date her at this point.
4. They Both Thrive On Manipulation
Lee has come out and said to the camera that he enjoys picking fights and making people angry so he can sit back and laugh. HE LITERALLY SAID THAT. It is also fairly obvious that manipulation is the sole reason Taylor Swift continues to get out of bed in the morning, as evidenced by the fact that she started a feud, kept it going for over six years, and then when she got in a little bit of hot water, claimed “I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of, since 2009.” Also evidenced by the fact that she started a feud over “backup dancers,” announced she’d put her music on Spotify the very day Katy Perry’s album came out, plus literally everything she does… A relationship between these two would be incredible. Like, what do you think would happen if Lee left the toilet seat up? Taylor would probably Tweet out his real phone number. As revenge, Lee would probs live stream all of Taylor’s temper tantrums while he spoke to her in that eerie fake calm voice of his. I have never hated an idea so much, and yet at the same time been so desperate for it to come to fruition.
5. If They’re Both Dating Each Other, They Can’t Be Dating Other People
I mean, I guess they could be if they decided to enter into a non-monogamous relationship, but given that Taylor Swift hasn’t been spotted in anything other than a crop top and matching skirt since approximately 2015 (respect), I can’t exactly see her agreeing to a nontraditional relationship setup. These two need to date if for no other reason than if they date each other then both these trash bags are off the market. Which would really be a humanitarian effort if you ask me. One less Lee in the world means one less Rachel Lindsay whose time is being wasted by a guy who probably doesn’t even view her as his equal, let alone his future wife. And without Taylor Swift around to ruin the Calvin Harrises of the world, can you imagine how many more summer bangers we’d have? If I were able to set this up for real I’d probably get a Nobel Peace Prize, honestly.
And if you’re wondering why I hate Taylor so much, it’s because she personally murdered my puppy and is the reason my dad abandoned our family. JK, I just think she sucks. Do I need a “real” reason?
This week, as everyone is talking about President Trump’s horror budget and how much it’s going to hurt people in need (i.e. healthcare, Meals on Wheels, anyone who’s not extremely wealthy), Taylor Swift has her eyes set on something a little more personal: making herself a shitload of money. If you’re thinking but wait, doesn’t Taylor already have a shitload of money? You’re right! But now she’s determined to make more, which is why she’s in talks to start her own music streaming service as a rival to Spotify and Apple Music. The service will be a more annoying, Taylor Swift-focused version of the music streaming services you already love. It’ll basically be like Tidal, except without Lemonade or the Prince discography or any of the things that made you forget to end your Tidal free trial in the first place.
So like, why now, and why her? (Seriously…why her?) Well, Taylor has never been a big fan of music streaming. Back in 2015, she wrote an open letter to Apple Music protesting the idea that artists wouldn’t get paid for streams during free trial periods, because Taylor Swift would literally starve to death if Apple didn’t pay her .30 cents everytime someone wants to listen to “Blank Space.” That’s why she’s so skinny. And of course we all remember when T-Swiz pulled her entire catalog from Spotify, again over concerns that she wasn’t getting paid enough for the streams, and forcing all of us to have to switch over to YouTube if we ever want to listen to “Welcome to New York,” which, TBH, we do not.
So despite the fact that it’s 2017 and everyone and their stepmom relies solely on streaming services to house their music collection, Taylor isn’t satisfied. Now, she’s filed documents trying to trademark a website “featuring non-downloadable multi-media content in the nature of audio recordings.” Which is literally Spotify. She apparently wants to call the site “Swifties,” which literally just made me throw up in my mouth. Again, this whole thing will basically be Taylor’s version of Jay Z starting Tidal, except all her friends are models and not giant music stars like Rihanna, Beyoncé and Kanye West. So like…what is she going to release? Exclusive BTS of Karli Kloss walking? No thanks.
It’s unclear if Swifties will actually be a Spotify competitor, or if it’ll only have Taylor’s music, but either way she definitely won’t be getting our money. It’s probably a safe bet that One Direction, John Mayer, and Calvin Harris’ catalogs won’t be available, because those bridges were burned a long time ago. So basically, it’ll just be Taylor’s music along with probably like Meghan Trainor or some dumb shit like that.
As if the music streaming thing wasn’t bad enough, the documents also say she wants to launch a product line including “guitars, guitar picks, guitar straps, and drumsticks.” Woohoo. Now you can impress all your friends at camp with your matching T-Swift guitar and pick!! Honestly we can’t imagine anything less appealing. So next time you’re thinking about dating a drummer, at least make sure he doesn’t use drumsticks with Taylor Swift’s face on them. That’s a fucking deal breaker.