9 Times Trump Played Himself On Twitter

If you’ve been living under a rock—or don’t subscribe to The SUP yet for some reason—you may not know that for the past what-seems-like-forever, the President has been under some sort of investigation — from misconduct prior to running for president, to misconduct during his campaign to finally, abusing his power while in office.

However, like any other sub-par white guy, our man Donald has way too much unearned confidence, and, in a totally unsurprising move, is running for reelection come November.

Since crazy sh*t comes out of the White House at least twice a day, I thought it was important to remind you of some of the most ridiculous things you may have forgotten about.

We all know that POTUS has an affinity for a certain social media platform on which he pretty consistently incriminates himself. I scoured the internet and a platform full of Donnie T.’s tweets to pull this list together, and now I would like to set myself on fire and cry for a while. You’re welcome!

If you’re a masochist and want to go through the platform I used for, like, fun or whatever, you can find it here at http://www.trumptwitterarchive.com/.

1. On Winning the Election

To put this in context, Hillary Clinton beat Trump in 2016 by close to 2.9 million popular votes, which pretty much means that the electoral college is the main reason he is even in the White House. It’s good to know that he agrees he should never have been elected President.

2. On Being Laughed At

Last year, I made fun of my friend for hooking up with someone she said she’d never talk to again and then I got mad at her for making fun of me for doing the exact same thing. Since I’m turning 21 in a week, it’s harmless and kind of funny. Imagine how insane would it be if the president acted like a 20-year-old girl? Good thing you don’t have to!

Last December, five-ish years after this was tweeted via a f*cking Android, the leaders of France, Canada, and Great Britain all shared a laugh at the President’s expense. So, yeah, Donnie, it would be nice if our president were taken seriously.

3. On Being Productive and Golf

Could you guys even imagine our Commander-in-Chief traveling around the country to host fundraising rallies or to play golf while there are serious matters to attend to? Seriously—I could not imagine a world in which a President went to a campaign rally while the House was voting on whether to impeach him. It would be even more insane if the President were playing golf during, say, a f*cking devastating hurricane.

4. On World War III…

Yeah. It would be f*cking crazy if someone made a decision that put our country at danger of being forced to enter a massive war. From instigating a Twitter fight with North Korea to ordering a drone strike that killed Iranian Major General Qasem Soleimani, this President is not doing well to avoid, you know, a third World War. Even better, in 2011, Trump said that Obama would start a war with Iran to win reelection. His visions are playing out with Raven Simone accuracy. Way to go, man.

5. On Teleprompters

This scathing criticism of Obama’s teleprompter use is coming directly from the guy who allegedly snorts Adderall to be able to read off a teleprompter. Last summer, Trump blamed a teleprompter problem when he got sh*t for saying that the “Continental Army took over the airports during the Revolutionary War.” Wild that his reliance on teleprompters is so extreme that it prevents him from knowing literally anything about history.

6. On Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

Like many of us, Trump requires external validation and is constantly seeking approval. Unlike many of us, he is not showing signs of growing out of that need and is also the F*CKING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. So, anyway, Trump criticized Obama for taking credit for the killing of Bin Laden.

Crazy because, in a briefing given after the killing of Soleimani, he, um, took credit. He literally said, “last night, at my direction, the United States military successfully executed a flawless precision strike that killed the number-one terrorist anywhere in the world, Qasem Soleimani.”

7. On College Records and Applications

Back in the good ol’ days of Obama (we miss you), Donnie was really passionate about the release of a ton of Obama’s records including his birth certificate and college applications. But these days, our President, who is obviously really smart, had his lawyer threaten U Penn to get his transcripts covered up. Donnie says he is a very stable genius so who cares if he hid his transcripts, and that we still haven’t seen his tax returns. I think we should take him at his word and believe him when he says he’s really smart and rich the same way we do for guys who claim they are six feet on dating apps.

8. On His Own Impeachment

I want to let this cartoon that Trump tweeted in 2014 speak for itself because I’m f*cking speechless but let me follow it up with something he tweeted 5 months prior.

9. On Pelosi, Clinton, and Impeachment

As a treat, the last one I’ll leave you with is a surprisingly coherent video in which Donald f*cking Trump himself says the last things we would expect to hear from him in 2020.

Trump says (referring to Pelosi), “I’m very impressed by her, I think she is a very impressive person, I like her a lot”. Then, he follows it up with “it seemed like was gonna really look to impeach Bush and get him out of office which would have been a wonderful thing.”

Why did he think she should impeach Bush? “For the war… well he lied! He got us into the war with lies, and I mean look at the trouble Bill Clinton got into for something that was totally unimportant.”

Every action the President takes seems like the one that will finally end it, and when that’s never the case, it can be easy to get discouraged. That’s why stuff like this is important. We can’t just get distracted by his crazy fixation on his inability to flush a toilet and forget about all the truly evil and insane things this man has done.

The clusterf*ck that is this administration is going to stay in the White House unless you—and all of your friends and loved ones—actually pay attention and get informed. It’s not like you have to start only watching CNN or quit your job to go volunteer for whoever the nominee will be, but you have to do something (vote and subscribe to the newsletter, for starters).

Images: Giphy (2), geralt / Pixabay

Trump Has To Unblock Chrissy Teigen On Twitter

First someone throws water at Tomi Lahren, now Trump is legally barred from trying to avoid seeing Twitter profiles that don’t constantly stroke his oversized ego. It’s clear we’re all having an issue with how to communicate like adults when we’re around people who disagree with us. Federal Judge Naomi Reice Buchwald ruled on Wednesday that Trump cannot block Twitter users for having differing political opinions as it is a violation of the First Amendment and it’s pretty hilarious. Trump doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of person who would enjoy being censored in any way, and I just wish so badly I could be the person to sit him down and tell him he needs to stop blocking uh, Chrissy Teigen (who he blocked literally for saying “lol you have no friends.”) and anyone who is mean to him?

While the government’s rebuttal was that blocked users could still have access to the President’s tweets, Buchwald ruled that cutting people off from direct communication with Trump was still a violation of speech. The case was brought by the Knight First Amendment Institute At Columbia University and represented seven Twitter users who had actually been blocked by the President of the United States: a university professor in Maryland, a surgery resident in Tennessee, a Washington state songwriter, a New York comedy writer (not me), an author, a legal analyst and a police officer. At least he was diverse in his blocking-binge, but it is unsettling to see that he wasn’t choosing to just block violent or extremist users. Literally a comedy writer made a joke he didn’t like, and he blocked them. Trump, that is the definition of “petty.”

The President doesn’t seem to realize that his Twitter isn’t just like our middle school Livejournals. What he writes on there has consequences. And they’re actually greater than him growing up one day and cringing. Just last week, Trump tweeted repeatedly about the Justice Department placing a “spy” inside his presidential campaign to frame him over the possible Netflix and Chillin’ with Russia. Ex-FBI director James Comey responded to those tweets with, “Attacks on the FBI and lying about its work will do lasting damage to our country.” Yup.

Someone needs to tell Trump that blocking people on social media is how you deal when a creep won’t stop sliding into your DMs, not the solution to a divided political climate. If he’s only allowing himself to see users who agree with him, how does he expect to “Make America Great Again.” Also, wait, liberals are the ones living in bubbles? Yeah, ok.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Trump Doesn’t Write His Own Tweets And We’re Literally Shocked

We already knew that Trump doesn’t know the difference between HIV and HPV, but now we have confirmed that Trump also doesn’t understand that ghostwriters are supposed to make you look like a better writer. That’s right, fam, Trump tweets don’t all come from Trump. According to an in-depth analysis by The Boston Globe, a team of West Wing employees have figured out precisely how to embody the president’s unhinged Twitter voice and they’re so good at it, I don’t know whether to be impressed or alarmed. For awhile now we’ve known that the only thing liberal on Trump’s Twitter is his use of the exclamation point, but not every poorly-placed punctuation mark comes from his own, golden-haired head. Even though the president has an entire iPhone dedicated strictly to Tweeting, sometimes even Twitter’s biggest fan needs a break. That’s where the Trump tweet ghostwriter come in.

Basically, the process goes down a little bit like how I imagine the British royal family would deal if by some tragic turn of events, toddler Prince George suddenly became the King:

Step one: White House Staff decides on the topic they want Trump to comment on and from there, the team will draft 3-4 tweets in a memo that they think fit Trump’s tone. (Aka: racist grandpa with a smartphone.)
Step 2: Trump will then choose the tweet he likes best and send it off confidently to 52.2 million followers.

So yeah, it’s a pretty short process, but the fact that there is a process at all is alarming. And sure, the first part seems harmless. Most politicians don’t have full control over their social media (remember when Hillary Clinton’s Twitter had that fun little -H- next to all her personally written tweets?) Mitt Romney had a team of 22 people who had to sign off before any tweets on his profile could be sent, and even Obama had a system of hurdles in place to avoid an internet disaster. What makes Trump’s technique creepy is not that sometimes he wants to let other people do the writing, but rather that he’s making them write like a fifth grader on a sugar rush in a toy store.

The confusing typos, bold disregard for language, limited vocabulary (covfefe?), unclear points and choppy fragments are all part of maintaining Trump’s image that he is “of and for the people” despite the fact that he’s ridiculously rich and largely disconnected. The logic there is somewhat sound: Getting offended over using “your” instead of “you’re” is just as elitist as getting offended over “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays?” Maybe? It just seems a little strange that someone who so passionately wants to build a wall to keep Spanish-speaking people out of his country doesn’t at least try to respect the rules of English.

Regardless, let it be known to anyone at the White House that I would be very interested in the tweet-ghostwriting job. Here’s my first draft:

“Why!!!! Am I the president!? I’m just rich guy. No experience. Quitting today!!! Good luck #FreeMelania”

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Omarosa Is Already Spilling Tea About Trump On Celebrity Big Brother

It’s been less than two months since The second most famous Apprentice-star-turned-White-House-official Omarosa Manigault left her job in the Trump administration, and she’s now safely back on reality television where she belongs. She’s currently living in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and she already spilled the tea on Trump’s tweets.

Omarosa wasted no time before milking her recent political experience for reality show gold, and her conversation with Ross Mathews is one of the best things we’ve seen in a long time. Ross and Omarosa are sitting on the most uncomfortable-looking couch we’ve ever seen, and Omarosa is wrapped in a blanket as if someone pulled the fire alarm in her building while she was taking a shower, except she has clothes on.

Omarosa has these lines ready to go. This is 2018. pic.twitter.com/sGwZxIK89B

— deray (@deray) February 8, 2018

Ross asks her why the fuck she decided to get involved in the Trump administration in the first place (same), and Omarosa says through tears that she felt like she was answering a call of duty to serve her country. Like all of us at home, Ross obviously isn’t buying it, but he sits and listens like any self-respecting gay who knows there’s gossip to collect. Omarosa claims that she was “haunted by tweets every single day,” which accurately describes literally all of us for the past year.

Ross asks if she tried to intervene, and she says that her efforts to get through to the Donald resulted in her being pushed further away. “Ivanka’s there, Jared’s there,” she says, apparently listing the other people who have been completely useless in their year in the White House. When Ross asks who does have the power to get through to Trump, Omarosa responds with some next-level bullshit: “I don’t know…I’m not there…It’s not my circus, not my monkeys…” Bitch, what?

Ross, who apparently came prepared with a list of questions that we all want answers to, then asks Omarosa if we should be worried. We know the answer is yes, but hearing Omarosa basically growl “it’s BAAAAD” strikes a fear in our hearts that we’ve never felt before. Like, she must know even more than we do, and she clearly isn’t comforted by any of this extra info.

Ross asks her to say it’s going to be okay just for shits, but Omarosa won’t fucking say it. It’s just not going to be okay. No, I’m not sweating right now, that’s just some random water on my forehead. Everything is fine, I’m fine, we’re all fine, it’s all good. Fuck.

Celebrity Big Brother is just getting started, and this shit is on five nights a week, so prepare for many more dramatic Omarosa/Trump moments if she sticks around for a while before getting evicted. Omarosa is currently in her seventeenth minute of fame, and she needs to prolong that shit as much as possible. Ross, meanwhile, will be in the corner hyperventilating into a paper bag.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

The Official Ranking Of Trump’s Worst Tweets

Trump didn’t win the popular vote, but he should definitely win the award for “World’s Pettiest Twitter Troll.” It’d be one thing if he was actually good at throwing shade, but he can’t even pull off being a raging bitch. Like, how do you fuck that up? I’m pretty sure I threw shade before I took my first breath. We can go ahead and add content creation to the list of things Trump is terrible at, along with having regular sized hands and literally just doing his job. Anyway, we put together a list of some of his worst tweets, and it was even harder than picking out a lipstick shade at Sephora — there were just too many options.

Complaining About Fake News Instead of Commenting on the NYC Bombing

We’ll start with a recent one. Last week, Trump sent out an angry tweet about The New York Times (shocking), instead of commenting on the bombing at Port Authority that had literally just happened. Always great to see where the President’s priorities are.

Supporting a Literal Pedophile

While we’re on current events, here’s a casual reminder that our President publicly supported a dude who is banned from malls for trying to pick up underaged girls.

Being a Dick to the Mayor of San Juan

Remember when Trump insulted the woman who was literally running around the flooded streets of San Juan to save people, while he sat on his ass and tweeted? Good times.

The Infamous Rocket Man Tweet

So glad our Prez casually tweets things that could trigger a nuclear war at any moment.

The Time’s Person of the Year Lie Tweet

This is like the new girl in middle school who wanted everyone to like her so she said that Aaron Carter was her cousin but made sure to tell us not to look it up.

The National Anthem Bullshit

Tell us again how you’re not racist.

Some More Fake News Bullshit


We get it, you have a huge hard on for Fox News.

Calling the Russia Investigation a Witch Hunt

Pretty sure the biggest witch hunt in America was the literal one in Salem that killed hundreds of women. But okay.

Insulting Merly Streep

You literally cannot come at Meryl Streep. That’s just, like, the rules of feminism. Who am I kidding, Donald Trump doesn’t even know what feminism is.

Insulting Bette Midler

Okay, he needs to be stopped.

Saying Obama’s Birth Certificate Isn’t Real

Uh huh, and an “extremely credible source” called my office and told me I’m not the the one who drunkenly danced on the bar topless at the my office holiday party.

Implyig that Rape is Inevitable

Casual reminder that 19 women have accused Donald Trump of sexual misconduct.

Casually Being Sexist AF

He managed to completely disrespect two women in one tweet. Wow. Just wow.

Claiming He Has Respect For Women

I can’t.

Claiming to be the Emperor of Twitter

This article literally proves this to be false.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Our Favorite Chrissy Teigen Trump Tweets In Honor Of Her Getting Blocked

It’s no secret that if we were still saying things are our spirit animal (we’re not), Chrissy Teigen would be our spirit animal. It’s also no secret that our current POTUS is a bloated, tang-flavored swamp monster who thinks no one needs health care and transgender Americans aren’t people, but whatever. Needless to say, the two probably wouldn’t hang out. Chrissy has been cyber-bullying the Bully-In-Chief since he was hosting The Apprentice. I mean, sure, my mom taught me not to make fun of people on the internet because my future employer could see it, but, like, I don’t think Chrissy Teigen is losing her coconut water sponsorship or whatever because she’s saying what the rest of us are thinking when it comes to Trump. In fact, I think coming for Trump in his own house (Twitter) has only made Chrissy more popular. Twitter literally loses its shit every time she replies, and considering the President of The United States is so obsessed with tweeting (a sentence I never thought I’d type), he’s definitely reading her replies. I mean, we know that he is because as of Monday night, after 9 years of near-constant trolling, President Trump blocked Chrissy Teigen on Twitter.

Chrissy announced this joyous event in the only way she could – with a tweet, duh:

After 9 years of hating Donald J Trump, telling him “lol no one likes you” was the straw pic.twitter.com/MhZ6bXT1Dp

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 25, 2017

Teigen has basically been telling Trump that he’s a virgin who can’t drive since day one. Some of her more fun and quotable mentions include calling him a “lying, sniveling, whining sorry excuse for a human being,” but what was it, exactly, that made Trump block her? Was it all the times she’s reminded him that he’s #old and acts like every horrible, white, racist grandpa in the game.

You are 71 fucking years old. Grow. The fuck. Up.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) June 28, 2017

Or was it the time that she told him she’d rather be in a Sim world than live with his presidency:

@realDonaldTrump you are so insane that I pray every day I am a sim being played by aliens

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 31, 2017

Maybe it was the time she called him the opposite of Beyoncé, which is basically the harshest insult in the book. Everyone wants to be Beyoncé, including Donald Trump. Probably.

that is what happens when your staff hates you. Beyoncé’s staff are more leakproof than yours.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 14, 2017

Nope, the straw that actually broke the sexist camel’s back was just her telling him that no one likes him (again). Which, I guess, is pretty cold but actually not the worst thing she’s every said. I guess the guy just can’t stand the thought of not being the most popular. Is this why we need a fake commission to study voter fraud that isn’t happening? MMM probably.

So here we are, the end of an era. I mean, not that we think Chrissy will stop roasting Trump anytime soon, but we will miss her direct replies and knowing that Trump is definitely reading them and having his feelings hurt. I guess if we want to hurt Trump’s feelings, we’ll have to find another way. Like, maybe impeachment. Just a thought. 

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