Definitive Ranking Of The Trump Officials Getting Yelled At In Restaurant

The worst thing at a restaurant is when your in the middle of a heated convo and the waiter comes up to see if you need another refill, clearly interrupting a private convo and you just have to quickly pretend everything is fine, when it’s not. You fake a smile and say check please, then turn back to whatever Brad/Chad is across from you, but now the fight is ruined and you didn’t even get to say your final zinger. Now take that experience and multiply it by a thousand, and you might know what it is like to be a Trump official trying to waste money eat out these days.  There is a new trend of people confronting Trump’s staff and trusted advisors while they are out to dinner, and we are here for it. Some of these confrontations are super awk and some end in drama. Here’s a ranking of the confrontations from worst to best.

Nikki Haley

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley claimed via twitter that she and her son were booed out of a restaurant in New York during the Pride Parade last month. If you think way back to 2013 and think about bathroom drama, you may remember that South Carolina had laws forcing trans people to use the bathroom for the gender they were assigned at birth. Nikki Haley opposed an amendment to that law, and people are still booing her for that five years later. (Probs has more to do with her being Trump affiliated, but whatever.) This gets a low ranking because there isn’t a video to go along with it and she didn’t even type out the word including in her very short tweet. Also nothing came out of this so it’s a weak 4/10.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders

The official mouth piece of the Trump Administration got shut up pretty quickly when she and her family were asked to leave a restaurant by the owner moments after being seated. According to Facebook Russia the owner thought Sanders morals conflicted with her own and asked her to leave, so she and her fam did. This is a 5/10 in my book. Seriously people no video? Even 2 year olds have an iPad with them at restaurants now and not one person in this restaurant caught this on camera! Who wouldn’t love to see a frazzled Huckabee Sanders struggling for words to make sense of an awkward situation? Oh, I guess we can just watch every press conference she’s ever held. Nvm can totally picture it now.

Kirstjen Neilsen

Remember that whole “separating children from their families at the border” thing that is still low-key not resolved? Well, right at the height of that bs,  Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen decided it was appropriate to dine at a Mexican restaurant. No bueno. Not only was Kirstjen-with-a-j booed out of the place, but people also started yelling shame at her like an episode of Game of Thrones. We even wrote about this one at the time because it was so crazy. This is a solid 7/10 because one there is a super awk video of people booing her while she pretends like nothing is happening. And I mean, she is being protested over the separation of immigrant families at the border while eating Mexican food. You just can’t even make that shit up. The restaurant was chill enough to acknowledge that immigration issues affect a lot of their staff so they allowed the protest to continue. Safe to say her guac was def extra and a half.

Scott Pruitt

Dirty Scott Pruitt of the Environmental Protection Agency is/was prob the most scandalous person in the Trump Administration. Pruitt has gotten a lot of heat for his outrageous spending on private air travel, a $43k soundproof booth, trying to finagle his wife a job a Chic-Fil-A and honestly so much other bizarre shit paid for by our taxpayer dollars. In addition to that, he is a climate denier in charge of the EPA, so it’s basically been the Environment Destruction Agency since he was appointed. Pruitt was confronted by a mother with her child on her hip and they got a video! It doesn’t show the whole encounter, but according to the woman she felt the need to tell Scott he was ruining the planet for her son and all future generations. True.

The best part of this story? Pruitt literally resigned just days later. This gets a 10/10 for having both results and a video, praise be. If publicly shaming people while they eat to get better political policy is a trend that works, then Trump may want to start paying for everyone’s Uber Eats to avoid anymore resignations.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

4 Predictions For What Sarah Sanders Will Do When She Quits

Last night it was rumored that yet another White House staffer was asked to return to their loft, pack their bags, put out their tiki torch, and go home. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, aka The Secretary of Scowl, was supposedly preparing to jet set from the South Lawn according to CBS news. In true Trumpian form, Sanders accused the media of lying and said she had told them of no such plans, which is Sanders-speak for “oh yeah that’s totally true.” 

Does @CBSNews know something I don’t about my plans and my future? I was at my daughter’s year-end Kindergarten event and they ran a story about my “plans to leave the WH” without even talking to me. I love my job and am honored to work for @POTUS

— Sarah Sanders (@PressSec) June 14, 2018

News outlets have keenly pointed out that she never said that what they reported was incorrect, just that she hadn’t spoken with them about any departure plans. Assuming that Sanders will follow in the footsteps of approximately 99.9% of her coworkers, and leave without a proper two weeks notice, what could she possibly get into next?

Sell LulaRoe

Something about Sarah Huckabee just screams “I want to spend my free time on Facebook scamming and spamming my close friends.” I think her skills line up perfectly with “social media pyramid scheme.”

Get Into Crossfit

Ya know, I know a ton of people who when going through a big lifer change, be it career, personal, or spiritual, have found these intense workouts very therapeutic. I can imagine there’s a lot of stress she needs to unload from her days as Press Secretary and could probably let some of it out throwing a giant leaded ball at a wall or whatever they do in those fitness garages.

Become The Mean Vice Principal of a Middle School

I’m not sure Sanders has the charisma to be a principal of a middle school, but she’s definitely the side muscle – aka the enforcer of rules. Every kid in that school would adhere to the policy to avoid having to visit her in her office. When not yelling at small children, she would wander the halls with a spiked ruler in hand just to raise the fear surrounding her.

Ask to Talk To Someone’s Manager

This isn’t a job or hobby per se, but Sanders has that je n’ais se quoi about her that lets you know she’d demanded to talk to whoever is in charge. I am willing to bet money that she has approached random people of color in a Target and started asking them questions as if they worked there, despite them not wearing a uniform. I’m also not convinced that this woman is not, in fact, Sarah Sanders:

Manage Her Dad’s Standup Career

As we know all too well, Mike Huckabee, Sanders’ father and former governor of Arkansas, fancies himself a funny boy on The two can spend some quality time together on the road where Huckabee opens up for Jeff Foxworthy knockoffs.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Which Trump Official Do We Think Will Be Eliminated Next?

In the latest Trump administration staffing debacle, Trump’s nominee to replace the Head of the Veteran’s Affair’s department after he fired David Shulkin via tweet has had his confirmation hearing postponed indefinitely. Why? Because over 20 whistleblowers claimed he often blacked out on the job and was literally nicknamed the “candy man” for his willingness to pass out Ambien. He’s a pusher, Donald. He’s a pusher.

In light of this scandal, the addition of Rudy Giuliani to Trump’s legal team, and the recent departures of former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, former National Economic Council head Gary Cohn, and former National Security Advisor H.R McMaster, it is clearly just a waiting game for the next Trump official to be fired on social media or resigns in disgrace. Thus, we bring you our very informed predictions on who might end up spending this summer tanning on Martha’s Vineyard instead of in the White House. These inferences are based on an extremely scientific analysis of factors including visible level of aggressive corruption, psychotically lavish spending of taxpayer money on personal shit, actual policy positions, Trump’s tweets about the person, and — I know this is shocking — but actual job performance thus far.

5. Scott Pruitt

We’ve covered Scott Pruitt’s excessive personal spending of taxpayer dollars in the past, but to recap – he installed a $43,000 soundproof phone booth in his office, which isn’t shady at all, and has spent hundreds of thousands on first class or private jet flights. The expensive private air travel, along with Pruitt’s recently revealed $3 million of spending on his security detail, are supposedly explained by an ‘unprecedented level of threats’ to his safety, probably because his attempted rollback of environmental regulations is creating an unprecedented level of threats to the existence of this fucking planet.

Other examples of Pruitt’s corruption include accusations of professional retaliation against EPA staff who don’t want to do his immoral bidding, giving raises to two favored aides, and renting a DC apartment at below market rate from an energy industry lobbyist. This shit has gotten so blatant that the existing inspector general investigation into Pruitt’s spending is now expanding to five different facets of his conduct, and he is testifying before two house subcommittees today.

While Congressional probes are always a great indicator of a Trump administration official’s imminent demise, let’s take a look at the reasons Pruitt might survive. First off, he is very efficient at dismantling Obama’s legacy, Republicans’ fave activity. Pruitt has already attempted to cancel, roll back, or delay enforcement of Obama-era regulations on pesticides, lead paint, renewable fuel, methane emissions, vehicular fossil fuel emissions, and ozone levels. A former White House aide has been quoted saying Pruitt “has no peer in Trump’s cabinet” on de-regulation, which he carries out with “startling effectiveness and cunning.” Love to hear ‘cunning’ as a complimentary adjective for my politicians. Sigh.

4. Ben Carson

Housing and Urban Development head Ben Carson’s incompetence and corruption make him a likely candidate for a pink slip. First, there was the office furniture debacle in which he asked employees to buy him a $31,000 dining set, lied about it, tried to cancel the order, and then was caught in his lie when emails revealed he had in fact asked for the expensive furniture, then blamed his wife for buying it. One HUD employee is suing Carson, claiming she was fired for refusing to overspend the budget on said office furniture. Very chill.

Meanwhile, he is also getting literally nothing done. While the total office renovations ended up costing approximately $200,000, Carson has been notably quiet in response to a 14% decrease in his department’s budget, and pretty much his only policy proposal is for the creation of a chain of community centers intended to teach poor communities self-sufficiency. So the only proposal we’ve seen out of this Department of Housing involves no housing. Cool.

Carson has reportedly considered quitting, and has been quoted saying of his agency that there are “more complexities here than in brain surgery.” Wait, running a $47 billion dollar a year government organization that is supposed to help over 5 million American families pay for their homes is hard? I personally am not shocked, but apparently Carson is. Maybe he will take himself out of the game. To which we would say:

3. James Mattis

Secretary of Defense James Mattis is the last man standing in what was seriously being called the “axis of adults,” composed of fired Secretary of State Tillerson and National Security Advisor McMaster. Not a great sign for the survival of this country, or Mattis’ job.

Mattis calls himself Trump’s babysitter, which does not seem like a great way to curry favor with the notably stable genius in charge of his employment. Close Trump aides told The New Yorker that Trump was getting tired of listening to reason, so Trump’s approach to running the United States appears to be similar to yours when you read about eating a balanced diet. It also probably means Mattis is on the way out.

2. John Bolton

I know John Bolton literally joined the administration a month ago, but hear me out. This guy is full on fucking crazy, and I am including him because even if he isn’t fired in the near future, he might get us all killed in a nuclear war any day now.

Bolton’s political positions include the vehement belief that the US should bomb Iran, a complete dismissal of Palestine as a state, and the contention that the Iraq war was a success. He chaired a nonprofit called the Gatestone Institute, which, shocker, turns out to be hilariously evil. Not only is it funded by Cambridge Analytica founders and Republican donors Robert and Rebekah Mercer, but it promoted anti-Muslim fake news and was often retweeted by Russian trolls.

Bolton is most famous for being a Fox News contributor, and could not even get confirmed as a UN ambassador under a Republican-controlled Senate during George W. Bush’s tenure because his politics are so extreme. Senator Rand Paul has called him “unhinged,” which really makes me feel great about his proximity to the nuclear button. Tim Kaine has questioned whether he will even be able to get security clearance, though that hasn’t stopped anyone from remaining in the White House yet. Cough, Kushner, cough.

 1. John Kelly

Trump’s current chief of staff has already lasted longer than his predecessor Reince Preibus, and he’s nearing his one year anniversary, which is a real landmark in this administration. However, Trump apparently “hates John Kelly telling him no,” so Trump is basically you when your friends try to stop you from texting the guy who ghosted your ass. Alas, he isn’t even as successful as your friends, and apparently can’t keep Trump from using his personal, non government-approved cellphone. Also, John Bolton’s entry into the White House can’t be helping Kelly’s chances, since the two are famously arch nemeses to the point that Kelly had him banned from the oval office last year.

While at the beginning of Kelly’s run he was often included on calls with foreign dictators, he has lately been left off the three way calls. He was also left out of the decision to fire McMaster. John Kelly is basically the Gretchen Weiners of the White House, and I honestly can’t wait for his tell all because the few wisps of hair on his balding head are definitely full of secrets.

The recent rumor that Trump thinks he could run the country better without any chief of staff, because he ran the Trump organization so well (as in, into bankruptcy four times) without one, puts Kelly at the top of our exit list.

Lastly, deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein is obviously in the running, since he oversees the only Republican male we don’t despise, Robert Mueller. I’m including Rod as a bonus candidate, since he is an obvious choice for Trump, but his firing would also probably trigger a full scale constitutional crisis, which honestly sounds about right at this point.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!