After nine long months and one very public cheating scandal
orchestrated by Kris Jenner, we finally know the name of Khloé Kardashian’s baby: True Thompson. What, like you thought she wouldn’t be petty? Let’s unpack this name, shall we?
The obvious reason Khloé picked the name True Thompson is to troll Tristan. If I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me days before I had to push the spawn of his 6’9” body out of a tiny hole, I don’t think I could be held responsible for what I put on a legal document either. But, I think a judge would stop you from naming a baby “Fuck You Thompson,” even if you have a show on E! and 75 million Instagram followers. We’ve not yet descended into totally anarchy. The question is though, did she name the baby True because she knows that her little girl is the only Thompson that will ever be true to her? All I’m saying is if we made a drinking game out of Tristan telling the truth we’d all be dead right now. Ya feel me?
Sadly, there is an alternate meaning (other than vague-naming) behind this decision. According to Kris Jenner, True is a family name.
How convenient for Khloé that she has generations of petty ancestors. I also think it’s interesting that the Kardashians are descended from people named True, when there ain’t nothing true about those asses. Like, let’s not pretend that Tristan is the only one lying about shit, when these girls literally look like centaurs. Kris also linked to True’s newly established Instagram account, because what’s a baby for if not to be used for monetary gain? My dad did always tell me growing up that we were born to provide him with free labor, so maybe that’s an “everyone” thing and not just a “fame-whoring stage mom” thing.
Also, I’d love to pretend that I’m above being jealous of a newborn baby, but that’s just not my ~truth~. I need to know how much money the family had to pay to get the Instagram handle @true. Like, someone must have had it before, but Khloé and her
gang members sisters pulled some strings and got the handle they wanted. To be honest, I’m more curious about this than WikiLeaks and the NSA combined. Sue me.
I will give Khloé credit though—I think True is the best/least heinous name of the recent Kardashian babies. I literally doodled the name Stormi in my Lisa Frank notebook while my 6th grade math teacher explained long division. Never did quite grasp it. I do think I know the real reason Khloé picked True, though—does it sound suspiciously like BLUE Ivy Carter to anyone else? Obviously Khloé just wants us to associate her child with the baddest bitch in the celebrity baby game.
All I know for sure is that we’ve waited a small millennium for this child to be born and we got stuck with fucking True, so we might as well make the best of it. I guess we’ll have to wait for Kendall to get pregnant for another try. Fingers crossed Kris is harvesting the embryos as we speak!
Images: @khloekardashian, @krisjenner / Instagram; Giphy