I’ve been losing track of time a lot lately, mostly due to the fact that the last year has felt like an extended sabbatical from regular life. But when I saw that Tristan Thompson was in the news for allegedly cheating on Khloé Kardashian, I really needed to take a good, hard look at a calendar. Had I taken one too many melatonin tablets and woken up in 2019? Or 2018? Nope, it’s May 2021, and we are once again discussing Tristan’s questionable choices.
Unlike Tristan’s past cheating scandals, where he’s been caught red-handed with another woman, the current situation has been sort of a slow, messy burn. The woman at the center of it all is Sydney Chase, a 23-year-old who is—prepare to be shocked—an Instagram model. In a recent interview on the No Jumper podcast, and again on her TikTok account, Chase claimed that she had an intimate relationship with Tristan after meeting him in November of 2020. According to Chase, Tristan told her he was single, and they “hung out multiple times,” including going out in public together. Chase claims that when she found out he was actually in a relationship with Khloé, she “cut it off” with him. On the podcast, she was also asked about Tristan’s ~equipment~, and she responded “he has a peek-a-boo dick, but baby, it was good.” Aaaaand we’re officially in TMI territory.
@sydneychasexoYes the Tristan rumors are true… @haydenxrichelle @phonehomebabyet♬ Passionfruit – Drake
If any of that is true, it’s not good, but the actual cheating is really just the tip of the iceberg, somehow. Last month, in an Instagram live video with her friends, Sydney Chase shared several additional things that Tristan said to her during their relationship, and it’s all bleak. On the live, she said that Tristan asked her to send nudes, reading a message that said, “Yes baby I like that. I want to see what they look like. I’m curious.” Curious is a polite word for horny, I guess.
Chase also shared that Tristan told her she looked like Jordan Craig, the mother of his first child, and that Khloé is “not his type.” According to Chase, after she learned about his relationship and broke things off with him, he called her and said, “you’re what I like,” which is a major yikes. If Khloé is, in fact, not Tristan’s “type,” why is her putting her through all of this mess? Why did he date her in the first place? Think of how much nonsense we could have avoided over the years if Tristan politely ended things with Khloé after like, three dates. Instead, it seems like Khloé is on a permanent emotional rollercoaster over a man who has never given her the level of respect that anyone deserves in a relationship.
Getting back to Sydney Chase for a minute, she’s been adamant that none of this is really her problem. On her Instagram live, she said, “I ain’t sign nothing, you did what you did, that’s on you.” She has a point—if Tristan insists on doing this type of sh*t, he should really either make people sign NDAs, or maybe just choose women who aren’t actively trying to get famous online? Chase also added, “Tristan banged me, I did not bang him.” I’m not really sure that’s like, a scientific distinction, but I guess I get the vibe of what she means. If she really believed that he was single, and he was the one actively pursuing her, you really can’t blame her for being down.
In the two weeks since Sydney Chase initially spoke about Tristan in the podcast interview, things have obviously escalated. Chase stated in her TikTok video that Tristan contacted her when he heard about the podcast, in the hopes that he could kill the story before it gained publicity. Obviously, that didn’t happen, and Khloé reportedly found out about Chase’s story along with the rest of the tabloid-reading public. Since then, Khloé has done her classic routine of posting subtweet-y quotes on her Instagram story, but she also went straight to the source of the rumors.
Over the weekend, Sydney Chase posted a screenshot showing DMs she received from Khloé Kardashian. She covered the contents of the main message, but made sure not to blur out the message where Khloé asked her to keep their conversation private. Oops! Apparently Khloé forgot that she was dealing with someone who makes a living off of whatever clout she can get, so tbh she’s lucky that Sydney even covered part of the DMs.
Sure, Sydney has been messy by putting all of this information out in the open, but when it comes down to it, she’s just living her life. Realistically, any hot woman that comes into contact with Tristan Thompson could find themselves in this position, so good for her scoring some Instagram followers, and likely #spon opportunities out of this.
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But when it comes to Khloé, this f*cking sucks. We all remember the fallout surrounding the Jordyn Woods controversy, and when Khloé finally decided to give Tristan another chance, it felt like things might actually be different. On this season of KUWTK, they’ve had mature conversations about having another child together, and it seemed like they had turned a corner, not just in their romantic relationship together, but as mature adults who wanted to build a life and family together. But that foundation doesn’t seem so stable when any 23-year-old with lip fillers and a big ass can cause Tristan to forget everything he’s supposed to be doing. Once and for all, it’s time for Khloé to choose herself, and leave Tristan behind.
Images: Jerritt Clark/Getty Images for Klutch Sports Group; sydneychasexo / TikTok; theshaderoom / Instagram
Another day, another indication that 2020 might really be the year that civilization comes crumbling down. This time, I’m not referring to frightening coronavirus statistics or the slump in the economy, but rather the news that Khloé Kardashian and Tristan Thompson are apparently back together. Questions about a possible reconciliation have been lingering for a while, considering that Tristan has basically been quarantining with Khloé and their daughter True for most of the pandemic, and it looks like those
fears questions have finally been confirmed.
Khloé and Tristan officially called it quits in early 2019, in the fallout of Jordyn Woods-gate. We may never truly know what happened between Jordyn and Tristan that night, but regardless, it was some shady sh*t that Khloé was not down with. Over the last year, she and Tristan worked on their coparenting relationship, and on the most recent season of KUWTK, Khloé struggled with her feelings about spending more time around Tristan again. Well, apparently a global pandemic makes the heart grow fonder, and according to an Us Weekly source, these two are officially back on.
The source says Khloé is “hopeful that Tristan has changed for good and will continue to grow and be the great and loyal partner that he has been throughout their time together during the quarantine.” You know, I really hope that works out for her, I do. Does that seem realistic? Who knows, maybe! 2020 is the year to expect the unexpected, so maybe Tristan really can change his ways.
The source continues, “The fact that Tristan hasn’t been working or been able to hang out with his friends and other athletes who have previously been a negative influence on him like he used to has been great for their relationship.” Aaaaand that’s what I was worried about. Tristan scored some extra time at home due to his sh*tty Cleveland Cavaliers team not making the NBA Playoffs Bubble, but what happens when next season starts? Even though people are still finding ways to cheat during the pandemic, I don’t think Tristan deserves a medal for not screwing around on Khloé for a few months.
Due to Tristan playing for Cleveland, he and Khloé have been forced to deal with long distance for most of their time together, and it’s no secret that Tristan would into trouble when Khloé wasn’t around. Who could forget the time when a video of him with another woman went viral just DAYS before Khloé gave birth to his daughter? I, for one, will never be over it. Combine that with the Jordyn incident, and other transgressions that we probably don’t know about, and he doesn’t have the best track record.
Of course, past behavior is not always predictive of future outcomes, and Khloé is an adult who can do whatever she wants. Plus, according to another source, she has her own motives for reconciling with Tristan: “Khloé would love to give daughter True a sibling because she is at the perfect age.” That actually makes a ton of sense, considering that it’s pretty much exactly what Kourtney did with Scott. A few months ago, Khloé shot down rumors that she was pregnant again, but a lot can happen in three months of 2020. If Khloé really just wants another baby out of this, then she should make that happen, but I just want the best for her, which includes not getting played again.
Images: Jerritt Clark/Getty Images for Remy Martin
There are so many things to love about this time of year. The bottomless supply of baked goods, the wall-to-wall Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, the multiple consecutive days where you don’t have to change out of your pajamas, and finally, looking back on all the juicy breakups that happened throughout the year. I believe the phrase is “the best way to spread Christmas cheer is by recounting strangers’ personal pain loudly for all to hear,” no? Well, it certainly is for me. And this year, there were A LOT of celebrity breakups. So many, in fact, that Ryanne even had to talk me down from one when I INSISTED you would all care about the guy from This is Us divorcing his wife. You can thank her in the comments. But let’s take a look at the rest of the most dramatic celebrity breakups of 2019, and really get in the holiday spirit!
Khloé Kardashian & Tristan Thompson
I had really hoped that by the end of this decade we would have stopped talking about these people, but it seems that is not the case. In fact, two members of America’s First Family of Reality TV made it onto this list. The things I do for you guys. I still can’t believe this breakup was only this year, but it was indeed back in February when Jordyn Woods foolishly cut herself off from the Kardashian
juvederm gravy train by making out with Tristan Thompson. Big mistake. Huge. She claimed (on Red Table Talk) that it was just a quick kiss on the lips, but that was enough to seal her fate. Kylie threw her out, onto the mean streets of the Hollywood Hills, left to fend for herself with nowhere else to go but a slightly smaller mansion. Poor baby!
This was the last straw for Khloé, who will tolerate her boyfriend motorboating models while she’s at home pregnant, but a goodbye kiss on the lips is OVER. THE. LINE. She also seemed to blame Jordyn for her breakup when we all know men are the ones responsible for where they put their d*cks.
Why are you lying @jordynwoods ?? If you’re going to try and save yourself by going public, INSTEAD OF CALLING ME PRIVATELY TO APOLOGIZE FIRST, at least be HONEST about your story. BTW, You ARE the reason my family broke up!
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) March 1, 2019
Maybe don’t pick a cheater next time, Khloé!
Kylie Jenner & Travis Scott
We might as well get on with the Kylie and Travis breakup, since we’re here. This relationship was a whirlwind. Kylie and Tyga broke up, and then she almost immediately got with Travis, and then she almost immediately got pregnant, because her mother was too busy selling her sister’s sex tape and building an empire to teach her youngest daughter about the birds and the bees. At the very least she could have showed her that tape! Alas, she did not, and here we are. Stormi was born in February 2018, less than a year after Kylie and Travis got together. Things seemed to be going well for a while, with Travis even telling Playboy that having a baby had not slowed down their sex life at all. Duh, Travis! You are still in the honeymoon stage! And you have nannies! I think a decrease in sex life happens because people are tired from the baby and also kind of sick of each other from being together so long. Two problems Travis and Kylie would not be encountering. But congrats on beating the odds!
But then, October came and Travis and Kylie announced they were on a break. Guess that sex life finally slowed down, huh? They still appear to be close, and although I wouldn’t count out a reconciliation, this really was the end of an era for Kylie. Thankfully she has those billion dollars to hold her close at night!
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth
I’ve got to admit, this one hurts. I thought these two crazy kids might just make it. After meeting on the set of The Last Song *pause for audible sobbing* and dating on and off for over 10 years, they finally got married in December 2018. Then, by August, it was over. And that’s when it got messy. All of a sudden Miley was dating Kaitlynn Carter, the most annoying cast member on The Hills: New Beginnings, and Liam was walking around Australia looking like someone drowned his puppy. I haven’t seen anything sadder since we got my brother’s wedding photos back and it looked like my glass of champagne was my plus one in every single shot. (It was.)
THEN! Miley and Kaitlynn breakup (duh, she’s annoying!) and now Miley is with Cody Simpson. AND THEN!!! Miley got a tattoo that says “freedom” which is obviously throwing shade at Liam. A little dramatic, but okay.
But FINALLY! Liam is getting his head in the game and fighting back, recently posting a thirst trap. He looks hot, but we know you’re not that innocent, Liam. Even my grandmother knows what a thirst trap is.
Cole Sprouse & Lili Reinhart
This summer it was reported that Cole and Lili, aka the one sane spot in that bonkers fever dream known as Riverdale, broke up after two years of dating. OR DID THEY? This story was reported in July, but the day before they had been perfectly cordial at ComicCon. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t think “cordial” is the word I would use to describe myself post-breakup in my early 20s. Maybe “deranged” or “paralyzed by rage,” but definitely not cordial.
They never confirmed the breakup, and then, they started f*cking with us. Lili posted a picture of their magazine cover together saying “none of you know sh*t,” and Cole posted the same picture, with a caption I don’t understand but I can feel like I’m being mocked, you know?
If Cole and Lili broke up, or if they did not, it doesn’t matter now, because they’re back together! I don’t like being toyed with, but I will take it if it means that Bughead is forever.
Bradley Cooper & Irina Shayk
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Bradley Cooper keeps it casual in windbreaker while Irina Shayk nails off-duty sophistication in camel coat for bundled-up stroll in NYC. (March 19, 2019) Bradley Cooper lo mantiene casual con un rompevientos, mientras que Irina Shayk se une a la sofisticación en un abrigo abrigo camel para dar un paseo abrigado en Nueva York. (Marzo 1, 2019) #irinashayk #irina #shayk #bradleycooper #bradley #cooper #bradrina #nyc #newyork #familygoals #family #model #momstyle #dad #mom #goals #celebrity #actor #streetstyle #celebritycouples #2019 #dadstyle #couplegoals #smile #momgoals #dadgoals #celebritydad #celebritymom #ootd #candid
I heard you all sigh when you got to this one, but don’t act like I’m the only one here who cares about Bradley Cooper. He’s still hotter than most of the men in Hollywood even when he’s pretending to pee himself at the Grammys, okay? So, last year, Bradley wrote, directed, and starred in a little film called A Star is Born, maybe you heard of it? *pause for audible sobbing*. Sorry, that garage scene haunts me. Anyway, his co-star was the inimitable Lady Gaga, and boy did people want them to be a thing. And then, Gaga and her fiancé broke up, and she and Bradley performed at the Oscars, making everyone believe they were in love. Guys, THEY ARE ACTORS. THEY WERE ACTING.
With this kind of speculation, though, it was almost inevitable that Bradley and Irina were going to break up. In June they announced that they were separating, which is sad, but at least they did produce quite possibly the most adorable child of all time. Yes, I do follow celebrity baby Instagram accounts, and no I don’t want to talk about it. I would just like to stress, though, for all you believers that are still out there, he will never, ever, be getting with Lady Gaga. Because he’s obviously going to end up with Jennifer Garner, right? Where my Alias fans at??!
Hannah Brown & Jed Wyatt
And finally, we get to the biggest Bachelor Nation breakup of the year. I think this one can be summed up by saying “men ain’t sh*t,” but you probably want a little more explanation than that. Basically, Hannah picked the incredibly poor man’s Tim McGraw as the winner on her season of The Bachelorette. And then, after she picked him but before the season was finished airing, it was revealed that Jed had a girlfriend when he went on the show and he clearly was in it just to get famous. FOR SHAME, JED! Tim McGraw would never do something so nefarious. So, Hannah dumped him on After the Final Rose, and went on to win Dancing with the Stars, and in general be one of the best Bachelorettes that the franchise has ever produced. She scrubbed him from her Instagram, but he didn’t because he still needs her to keep him relevant, duh. It appears Jed has a new girlfriend, good for him! Just FYI sweetie, he didn’t write “I wanna be your Mr. Right” for you.
And there you have the most dramatic celebrity breakups of 2019. Count on even more Kardashians on next year’s list!
Images: khloekardashian, travisscott, liamhemsworth, winterstone, commentsbycelebs, lilireinhart, colesprouse, _itsleeas, jedwyatt/ Instagram; khloekardashian/Twitter
In news that I definitely thought happened already, TMZ reports Kylie Jenner finally unfollowed Jordyn Woods on Instagram. Kylie is only following 125 people to her 141 million followers, so when she unfollows someone, it’s not exactly hard to notice. Still, this one’s gotta hurt. For Jordyn, I mean.
The news comes two days after Jordyn Woods was spotted at a bar smoking hookah and dancing with James Harden. If that name sounds familiar to you, it should be for two reasons. One, he’s a basketball player, but two—and most importantly—he’s another one of Khloé Kardashian’s exes. Khloé and James dated for a hot second back in 2016, so homegirl clearly has a type. Say what you want about Jordyn, but at least she’s consistent. I have no choice but to respect it.
I guess for Kylie this was the last straw, and she finally unfollowed Jordyn on Instagram. Kind of crazy that she didn’t do it after Jordyn was spotted partying and kissing Tristan Thompson, Khloé’s actual baby daddy, but I guess you have to draw the line somewhere. Still, this seems like a random place to draw said line given that Khloé and James dated three years ago, it was not serious, Jordyn is not dating him now, and she claims she did not plan to meet up with him and just randomly ran into him. Then again, those KUWTK ratings aren’t going to spike themselves!
This unfollow comes about a month after Kylie’s people told Us Weekly that she would “always care about Jordyn and she wants only the best for her” and implied she might forgive her in the future. Welp. I guess the S.S. Forgiveness has officially sailed.
For now, Jordyn is still following Kylie and Kylie Cosmetics on Instagram, so maybe she’s holding out hope for a reconciliation, or maybe she’s just not super petty. She seems to be focusing on her debut fashion line, secndnture, and she was just in an episode of Grown-ish. So she seems to be doing just fine, with our without the Kardashians and their exes.
Let’s be real—Khloé Kardashian has had kind of a rough year. Her baby daddy cheated on her many times, most notably with one of her best friends, she’s now raising a daughter on her own, and we’ve accused her of Photoshopping her photos many, many times. Okay, she deserves the last one, but whatever. Unlike most people, who deal with their feelings by overeating, seeing a therapist, or just having a good cry, Khloé likes to express herself through one of my favorite bygone forms of communication: subtweets and emo Instagram stories.
Khloé’s Instagram and Snapchat stories are a mix of adorable family photos, questionably edited thirst traps, and text posts screenshotted from god knows where. Thankfully, all of Khloé’s stories have been preserved by @khloesnapchats on Instagram, because someone has to do the Lord’s work. Today is Khloé’s 35th birthday (I feel old), so let’s raise a glass to some of her most iconically emo posts.
Let’s start, of course, with a classic that KoKo posted in the immediate aftermath of the Jordyn Woods scandal. Obviously, Khloé’s world, along with her relationship with Tristan, was crashing down, so it’s understandable that she was really upset. I might not have gone with the Taylor Swift snake tactic, but to each their own.
Idk if this is an ancient Chinese proverb or something, but the message is clear. Back in the day, my favorite subtweets were always the ones that were 100% obvious who they were directed at. Like, okay Shayna, we all know that your “cryptic” tweet about relationships is about the deadbeat father of your child, it’s not that hard to figure out.
Here’s another one of my obvious faves:
Hmmmm what could this one possibly be referring to? Silly me, it’s probably about Scott. Idk if Tristan Thompson is actually watching these stories or not, but Khloé knows exactly what she’s doing here. Also, I love that the background and formatting of this looks like something that my stepmom would have shared on Facebook in 2011. Great aesthetic choices all around.
But while I love an obvious subtweet moment, it’s also a pleasure when Khloé Kardashian gets a little deeper with her messaging. Take, for example, this little gem that KoKo posted earlier this month. Honestly, her Instagram story is a damn self help book.
I love the way the millennial pink pairs with the message that growth can only happen from intense emotional pain. So fun!! I can just imagine Khloé sitting in her mansion, searching “revenge quotes” on Pinterest. Seems like a healthy pastime.
Here’s another lovely bit of word salad, which I’m not positive I understand:
I’m not sure if Khloé is advocating staying in a shitty relationship just because the person likes you, but “real is rare” really has a nice ring to it. Khloé Kardashian is definitely the kind of person who posts something like this and then feels like she’s really shown the haters who’s boss. Which like, she’s way richer than me, so maybe that’s the truth.
There’s nothing KoKo likes better than a good zinger, like this one about the fragility of men’s egos:
She’s really not wrong.
At the beginning of this article, my intention was to break down what all of these posts could be about, but that seems a little less fun now, because I’m realizing that they’re all. About. Tristan. Like, I’m not saying that Khloé shouldn’t be upset about the disintegration of her relationship with the father of her child, but I feel like it would benefit her to move on a little bit. I’ve made my love of subtweets clear, but it can only make her feel so good to post sh*t like this:
But at the end of the day, it’s Khloé Kardashian’s birthday, and I’m not here to tell her how she should feel. We all deal with trauma in our own way, and Khloé’s preferred method is indirect clapbacks on social media. Cheers! Hopefully 35 for her is a year of finding happiness, whether that’s in a new relationship or just with her daughter and all her millions of dollars. HBD KoKo!
Images: Shutterstock; khloesnapchats (6) / Instagram
It’s been a few months since the height of the Kylie and Jordyn drama, and we’ve all pretty much moved on. Sadly, we have jobs, so we can’t just spend our entire days refreshing Instagram to see who has liked Kylie’s latest post. But while most of us civilians have accepted the fact that Tristan Thompson is garbage and moved on with our lives, we don’t really know where Kylie and Jordyn stand in the aftermath of all of this.
Of course, in the weeks following the initial chaos of Jordyngate, there were endless reports on Kylie and Jordyn texting, or meeting up, or sending smoke signals to each other across Calabasas, but all of it was pretty much based on nothing but rumors and anonymous sources, which are hard to trust.
But this weekend, we finally know for a fact that Kylie and Jordyn were in the same place at the same time. Thanks to the good people of TMZ, there is photographic evidence of both of them arriving at Bootsy Bellows in WeHo on Friday night for their friend Stassie Karanikolaou, better known as @stassiebaby on Instagram. I’ll get to more on her in a minute.
Sadly, I was not at the party, so I can’t attest to what happened once they were inside, but at the very least, Jordyn knew for a fact that Kylie would be at this party, and she still chose to go. Who knows if they had a long conversation, or even really interacted at all, but it’s hard to avoid someone in a club VIP. In my heart of hearts, I feel like Kylie and Jordyn can at least have a casual conversation without things getting weird. They left in separate cars (Kylie with Stassie, and Jordyn with Jaden Smith, because this friend group is insane), but I hope they at least had a chance to chat inside.
As if there wasn’t already enough to think about at this party, Tristan Thompson happened to be at the same club on Friday night. He most likely wasn’t invited to Stassie’s party (that would be messy af), so it’s fairly likely that he didn’t even cross paths with Kylie or Jordyn, but honestly I’m feeling inspired to write a screenplay about Friday night at Bootsy Bellows. There’s got to be a movie somewhere in all of this.
After the party on Friday, Kylie spent Saturday celebrating Stassie’s birthday again with a really questionable party themed around The Handmaid’s Tale. I’m not sure she knows what the show is actually about, but I’m glad she and her friends had fun running around the house in bonnets and calling their makeup artist/friend Ariel Tejada “Commander Ariel.” Sorry Kylie, but I really don’t think Gilead would take kindly to your thirst trap selfies.
The birthday weekend for Stassie continued on Sunday, with a pool day where everyone wore pink bikinis.
You can tell that Kylie and Stassie have been friends for along time, because they’ve clearly had all of the same surgeries. Love that! According to Instagram, the only other person at the pool day was Yris Palmer, who owns a lash extension company that the Kardashians endorse.
As for Stassie, here’s what you need to know. First, she is not the same person as Stassi Schroeder from Vanderpump Rules. They do look a little similar, and I’m sure Stassi Schroeder would die to be invited to Kylie Jenner’s pool, but this is a different Stassie. Stassie Karanikolaou (I memorized the spelling so I’m going to say it as many times as I can, okay) and Kylie have been friends for nearly a decade, so she’s not some new sidekick tagging along to get followers. She’s an old sidekick tagging along to get followers! In the months since Kylie and Jordyn hit their, um, rocky patch, Stassie has been seen with Kylie a lot, so she’s really making the most of this opening.
Stassie is a model, because basically anyone with four million Instagram followers can be a model. She also has a YouTube channel, and it’s not exactly premium content. Her most recent video is a haul from White Fox (obviously sponsored), and it’s honestly one of the lowest-energy videos I’ve ever seen. Being good at YouTube is a talent, and I’m not sure Stassie has it. Actually, I’m p sure she doesn’t. But what do I know, she’s the one with 200k subscribers.
In terms of where Kylie and Jordyn stand in their friendship now, it’s still tough to know. They still both follow each other on Instagram, so it seems like things haven’t gotten worse. Neither of them liked the other’s photos from the birthday festivities this weekend, but Jordyn did like a video of Stormi that Kylie posted the other day. Kylie hasn’t liked any of Jordyn’s recent posts, but she’s probably busy coming up with new and creative products that will destroy your skin.
So for now, you can all go about your important daily routines, but I’ll probably keep checking to see if Kylie throws a like Jordyn’s way. At this point, it’s just the humane thing to do, Kylie. And as for Tristan Thompson, I hope he had a terrible time at the club on Friday and no one wanted to go home with him.
Images: Getty Images; kyliejenner, jordynwoods, stassiebaby / Instagram; Anastasia Karanikolaou / YouTube
We’ve barely made a dent in 2019, and we’ve already had some major sh*t thrown at us. Aunt Becky is a hardened criminal facing jail time, A-Rod gave J.Lo an engagement ring big enough to make her forget the cheating rumors, and now Kim Kardashian is apparently going to become a lawyer without ever attending law school. And if that wasn’t enough to process, we’ve also had some major celebrity breakups of 2019. It turns out even celebrities just want someone to face their racist grandma with at the holidays, and then they want to drop them as soon as the honey baked ham goes cold.
Unfortunately for me, this does not apply to my crush who is currently cruising the Caribbean with his girlfriend and her family and probably enjoying the all-you-can-eat buffet or proposing or something equally horrifying. I’m totally handling it well, and not at all writing this article from my darkened room where my only companion is a bag of Doritos. But I digress. Let’s forget about my tragic reality, and instead take a look at the celebrities that have broken up so far this year, and TBH we’re lucky a few of them didn’t end in murder-suicide.
Emma Roberts and Evan Peters
You would think that the first time Emma was arrested for assaulting Evan these two would have broken up, but you’d be wrong. Young love is strong as sh*t you guys, hormones are no joke, and they clearly had a strong hold on Emma’s brain in her early days. The couple remained on and off for another SIX years after that, assaulting each other in private, I assume. They finally broke up in March of this year, and Emma immediately appeared out with Garrett Hedlund, who most recently played a sexy Special Forces dude in a Ben Affleck movie, which in my opinion is a major upgrade to the guy that played a nerd in Sleepover.
Lady Gaga and Christian Carino
So apparently Lady Gaga was engaged to her manager, Christian Carino, and they broke up right before the Oscars. Did literally anyone know about him? I’m sorry, she is LADY GAGA, singer, actress, dancer, mother monster, meat dress wearer, the great bambino, and I had to google his last name. I can not even picture his face. Does he even have a face? This all seems very off-balance to me. It’s definitely right that they broke up, because Gaga needs to be with someone more on her level, like say, Jesus Christ or Bradley Cooper. We all saw that mad chemistry in A Star is Born, unless you’re my mother and slept through the whole thing except the part where he pees himself at the Grammys, and you could cut that sexual tension with a knife. Now Bradley, just ditch that model girlfriend and abandon that adorable child of yours (she’s so young she won’t even remember you!) so that world can have the couple of our dreams. We deserve it.
Demi Lovato and Henry Levy
Demi Lovato and “fashion designer” Henry Levy broke up this March after dating for five months. I’m using air quotes here because I’m more familiar with Forever 21’s spring line than anything this man has ever created. I think this breakup is for the best; should Demi really have been dating only a few months after relapsing? I think they say if you’re in treatment for substance abuse you shouldn’t date someone for at least a year, and yes I did get that from a Sandra Bullock movie. I think it’s probably best she focus on her recovery anyway, because I need her to be happy and healthy so she can put out another banger like “Skyscraper”. Am I right?!
You got this, girl
Jeff Bezos and MacKenzie Bezos
I know you youths out there probably don’t care about this one, but come on, Jeff Bezos is the richest guy in the world, and he just ditched his wife to send “u up” texts to his mistress. Kidding, he actually texts her, “I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.” Excuse me while I go pour acid into my eyeballs. Needless to say, the couple finalized their divorce a few weeks ago, with MacKenzie receiving 25% of their Amazon stock.
Jeff Bezos is 55 years old, ladies, so I can confirm men do not, in fact, get better. At least MacKenzie has that $35.7 billion to keep her warm at night instead of his body, his lips, and his eyes. I think we’d all prefer that anyway.
Khloé Kardashian and Tristan Thompson
We all know Khloé and Tristan broke up. I’m sick of talking about them but I also didn’t want anyone in the comments to call me a moron for leaving them out. I’m emotionally fragile right now. So here they are! Tristan is a cheating cheater that cheats, and Khloé puts up with it only until she can get the most publicity out of the breakup. You can find many articles about it on this site alone, including the one I wrote, which is the only one I’m going to pimp out here because I’m the worst. You can’t say I’m not self-aware. Enjoy!
What’s been harder & more painful is being hurt by someone so close to me. Someone whom I love & treat like a little sister. But Jordyn is not to be blamed for the breakup of my family. This was Tristan’s fault.
— KoKo (@khloekardashian) March 2, 2019
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth
Really, truly the most shocking of all. This weekend, we got the news that Miley and Liam are dunzo after less than a year of marriage, because we just can’t have nice things. Miley was then seen making out with Brody Jenner’s ex Kaitlynn Carter in Italy, because we really can’t have nice things.
So those are the major celebrity breakups of 2019. In the next three quarters of this year, prepare for many more breakups *cough* Emma and Garrett *cough* and I hope you’ll all pray that my crush and his girlfriend are also one of them. Thanks!
Images: Giphy (3); ddlovato/Instagram; khloekardashian/Twitter
Thankfully, Keeping Up With The Kardashians came back last week, but Khloé Kardashian is already turning her attention toward another new TV project. On Wednesday, it was announced that she’s producing a new true crime TV series called Twisted Love, that will focus on “what happens when love and affection spiral into a twisted web of extreme obsession and jealousy.” While this sounds like an appropriate description for the newest season of KUWTK, the show will not focus on the Kardashians themselves. Bummer!
The show will air next year on Investigation Discovery (whatever that is), and it’s actually Khloé’s second time producing a show for the network. Last year, she produced Twisted Sisters, which told true stories of crimes committed by pairs of sisters. Wow, hearing about both of these shows, I just can’t imagine where Khloé gets her inspiration. No twisted sisters and/or love in this family,
Thank you ID network for picking up my SECOND series on your network. I’m producing “Twisted Love,” a six-part series that “explores what happens when love and affection spiral into a twisted web of extreme obsession and jealousy.” ???♀️???♀️ https://t.co/CU1VEeDOGv
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) April 10, 2019
Khloé’s new show most likely won’t premiere until 2020, probably so they have enough time to add an episode about the meltdown between her and Tristan Thompson. On her Instagram story, Khloé acknowledged that the title of her show seems like it might be sending a message. “My TV show titles are very ironic LOL. These titles and TV shows have been in the works for years.” Yeah okay, I’m not going to pretend to know exactly how TV production works, but I feel like this could be a bullsh*t explanation. Whatever, it’s funny either way.
Aside from the hilarious irony of the subject matter, I’m excited for Khloé that she has a new project in the works, because she’s had a stressful year. The initial Tristan cheating scandal happened exactly one year ago, right before Khloé gave birth to her daughter, True. Obviously I don’t need to tell you this, but the last couple months have been even crazier, with Tristan’s um, late night hangout with Jordyn Woods, and Khloé and Tristan’s final breakup.
Time moves fast in the Kardashian-verse. I mean, just look how far we’ve come from six weeks ago. Jordyn Woods was appearing on Red Table Talks, and Khloé was damn near having a meltdown on Twitter.
Why are you lying @jordynwoods ?? If you’re going to try and save yourself by going public, INSTEAD OF CALLING ME PRIVATELY TO APOLOGIZE FIRST, at least be HONEST about your story. BTW, You ARE the reason my family broke up!
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) March 1, 2019
Initially, Khloé really had it out for Jordyn, but she subsequently changed her tune. I’m not saying she started blaming Tristan because of the internet backlash, but we also wrote v good article about how it’s as much Tristan’s fault as it is Jordyn’s (maybe more). Khloé tweeted about Tristan’s role in the whole situation, and since then, she’s pretty much stayed quiet about what’s going on in her personal life, which is probably for the best.
Tristan is equally to blame but Tristan is the father of my child. Regardless of what he does to me I won’t do that to my daughter. He has been addressing this situation PRIVATELY. If Tristan were to lie publicly about what conspired,then yes I would address him publicly as well
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) March 1, 2019
We don’t really know where Khloé’s at right now with her whole relationship situation, but maybe this new show is a way to channel some of her frustrations with Tristan into something productive. Who knows if this show will be any good, but I’ll watch basically anything that has to do with true crime, so I’ll probably be tuning in whenever Twisted Love premieres. It has to be better than Revenge Body or Kocktails With Khloé, right?
Images: @khloekardashian / Twitter (2); @khloekardashian / Instagram