With colder weather hitting us from all sides (and Thanksgiving being over), it’s officially time to transition your wardrobe to winter. I know, right? Fall lasted like, two days. Betcha wish you could go back in time to the summer when you couldn’t stop whining about how you couldn’t wait for it to be sweater weather. Right? Right, Jenna?? I’m just a little salty about the cold, don’t worry. In any case, one of the main things you’ll need to survive the winter will be a good jacket. And not just any jacket, a puffer jacket. These trendy marshmallow coats have been worn by the likes of Kendall Jenner, which means they will keep you warm and stylish all winter long. Thank god for small miracles. I’m not going to freeze my ass off for anyone or any trend this winter. It’s just too damn cold.

Unlike the bike shorts of this past summer, the puffer jacket trend is not going anywhere anytime soon, and THANK GOD. That means you can still buy one and justify your spending that much more. Tons of celebrities are killing it with their puffer jackets, matching them with any and all outfits, and you can too. I found copies of the best celeb puffer jackets that you can recreate this coming winter. But, obviously, I found them for way less—I know you don’t all have Kendall Jenner money, and with the holidays coming up, we all need to save where we can. So read on to find my favorite affordable puffer jackets.

Is anyone actually surprised that it was America’s own future presidential candidate, Kanye West, who first declared oversized sunglasses out, and tiny sunglasses in? According to an episode of KUWTK that aired earlier this year, Kim says that Kanye emailed her and told her that her signature oversize Kim K sunnies were out, and that tiny sunglasses were the new “it girl” accessory. And well,  as I sit here shopping for my own pair of Matrix-esque sunnies, I definitely can’t say Kanye was wrong. In fact, it kind of makes you wonder: which came first, the chicken or the egg? Did tiny sunnies only become a trend because the Kardashians and Jenners wore them? Or were they already becoming a trend so the Kardashians and Jenners wore them? Real brain teaser, I know.

Just look to any of your fav ‘90s Blockbusters (ugh, Blockbuster R.I.P) and you’ll quickly see exactly where and how the tiny sunglasses trend first originated. Our young adolescent selves first saw them in movies like The Matrix, Cruel Intentions and, probably the most iconic of them all, Billboard muther fuckin’ Dad. Like, have the Olsens ALWAYS been this cool? Fuck Kanye, I’m starting a campaign for those two to be president and VP.

So then what sparked the current revival of miniscule sunnies, which seem to be plaguing Urban Outfitters and Barneys alike, today? This ‘90s trend was re-ignited by none other than Demna Gvasalia, Balenciaga’s creative director, who presented a style of tiny shades during his Spring/Summer 2017 show, and then further promoted the trend during his Fall 2017 show.

Of course, it should come as no surprise then that “it girls” such as Rihanna, Bella Hadid, Selena Gomez, and Kendall Jenner all started wearing this trend last May. Yes, as in a full year ago. But, with all things fashion, this trend only recently trickled down to the masses and into your local mall, where you can now get your own pair for only $14 from Icing or wherever. I mean, at this point there’s no need to go blow money on a designer version of these trendy shades—you’re already too late to the trend, so investing in a nice pair would just be stupid. Like, by now the Kardashians are probs already back in their oversize shades with their oversize salads in their oversize clear bowls.

But, since I’m going to safely assume you’re not a celeb since you’re even reading this article (and if you are, then show me some love and hit this article with a retweet) then you might as well bandwagon onto the trend and get yourself a pair of these Insta-worthy sunnies. Pro tip: Wear them on the bridge of your nose to look effortlessly cool, and not like a try-hard, fashion inept loser. Like, don’t try to actually wear them as a means of UV protection. They’re a useless, yet stylish accessory.

Here are a few cheap styles of tiny sunglasses to shop, all inspired by the celebs who made them cool for you to wear in the first place.

1. Cat Eye

MAJOR OUTFIT ENVY /// Hailey Baldwin in ‘The Last Lolita’ #sunglasses #adamselmanxlespecs #lespecs #haileybaldwin #outfitinspo

A post shared by Le Specs (@lespecs) on Apr 26, 2018 at 5:13am PDT

This cat eye version of tiny sunnies is definitely my personal fav. This style is easily the most universally flattering and least ridiculous looking. These similar-looking versions won’t break the bank.

From left: Free People sneak peek sunglasses; ASOS small cat eye fashion glasses; Urban Outfitters essential slim cat eye sunglasses.

2. Rectangle

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A post shared by Kendall (@kendalljenner) on Apr 4, 2018 at 7:00pm PDT

The rectangle style seems to be the go-to choice for the Kardashians and Jenners. This is the style that most resembles those iconic shades from the Matrix. Tiny rectangle shades are definitely the most edgy, and really give off a cool and mysterious vibe.

From left: Quay Australia strange love; Urban Outfitters vintage Jesse slim rectangle sunglasses; Urban Outfitters vintage clueless square sunglasses.

3. Circle/Oval

#BellaHadid out in Paris today.

A post shared by Bella Hadid (@bellahnews) on Jan 19, 2018 at 9:05am PST

This style of tiny shades is pretty much owned by Bella Hadid. Like, if Bella isn’t in the most miniature circle shades you’ve ever seen then you should definitely assume something is wrong. Maybe he ditched her weird ass for Selena again. I know I would.

From left: Free People ’90s kid oval sunnies; Quay Australia purple honey; Urban Outfitters slim oval metal sunglasses.

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Apparently low-rise jeans are making a comeback, which is the least surprising news ever if you really think about it. Every couple of years, the jean style you swore you’d never wear again sneaks back into your closet, kind of like when you hang out with your ex but you’re definitely not together again. We all promised to ditch low-rise jeans and their horrible short zippers when we discovered the slimming capabilities of super high rise denim, but obviously that trend wasn’t going to last forever. I’m not saying you should get rid of your high-waisted jeans, and I’m definitely not saying you should pull out your old boot cut True Religions with bedazzled butt pockets. I’m just trying to prepare you for a painless transition from one denim trend to the next. Here are a few pairs of low-rise jeans that won’t make you look like a Laguna Beach walk-on that never got a more detailed on-screen name credit than “Brody’s friend.”

1. The Legging Step Hem Ankle Skinny Jeans, AG Jeans

These AG jeans are basically as close to a denim legging as you can get without wearing literal Pajama Jeans. These may be low-rise, but they also have a step hem and a distressed wash, so they’re way more 2017 than 2007.

2. MOTO Winter Bleach Lucas Jeans, Topshop

These are kind of like mom jeans, but they’re low-rise, which helps prevent serious mom butt. They also have a slouchy fit but don’t have holes, so you can pull off a relaxed look without every old dude you see in a day asking how much you paid for jeans with holes in them.

3. Boyfriend Low Ripped Jeans, H&M

On the off chance that you do want every old dude you see in a day to ask how much you paid for jeans with holes in them, this is a pretty good pair. Plus, they’re just from H&M, so if you accidentally rip through the knee hole with your foot, it’s not the total end of the world.

4. Harper Low-Rise Super Skinny Jeans, Abercrombie & Fitch

Before you stop reading and close this article out because I just suggested you buy jeans from Abercrombie, hear me out. Do you still drink the cheap vodka you blacked out off of in college? Yes, of course you do. You just don’t take photos of the bottle anymore. This is kind of the same scenario. A&F finally stopped putting their signature pocket stitching on most of their jeans, so you can still wear their super comfortable, actually affordable denim without rocking an infamous Abercrombie butt.

5. Low-Rise Skinny Fit Jean, Tommy Hilfiger

As long as you don’t wear these with like, a pink polo with a popped collar and oversized fake pearls, you should be fine. Gigi Hadid is desperately trying to make Tommy Hilfiger a thing again, so you might as well join in on that movement.

I have a lot of pastimes and most of them include me judging people from afar. But nothing brings me more joy than talking shit about people and their tiny—excuse me, micro—tattoos. It’s the simple things, really. Remember when tramp stamps were all the rage? Yeah, those are so over, they’re done, and tiny tattoos have become the new norm for those looking to express their latent daddy issues. (I say all of this like I don’t have at least two Pinterest boards devoted to tiny tattoos and “cute” placements—I totally fucking do.) But whether you realize it or not, your tiny tattoo speaks VOLUMES about you and probably the life you lead on Instagram. So listen up, betches, because this is about to be a rude fucking awakening for some of you. Here’s how much of a self-absorbed asshole you are based on your choice of tiny tattoo:

Something From Harry Potter

First of all, I would just like to say that Potterheads are the reason I drink. There’s something unsettling about a bunch of twentysomething adults who throw whole costume parties with a theme that encourages you to dress up as an 11-year-old boy. Also, never, under any circumstances, mention around these people that you have either read Harry Potter/liked Harry Potter at one point in your life/have a vague thought about the movie adaptation, because they will take that shit and run with it. It’s like you say one thing about Harry Potter and suddenly they want to challenge you to a verbal duel so they can prove that they know very creepy, minute details about a prepubescent fictional boy more about Harry Potter than you do. Like, no I do not know who the fuck Harry’s apparition instructor was in his sixth year at Hogwarts, but I do know that I would like to be excluded from this narrative please. Thanks. Second of all, if you’re getting a Harry Potter tattoo because Harry Potter is “your favorite book” that doesn’t make you special. Like, you and every other virgin who can’t drive self-proclaimed Hufflepuff in the world. Do us all a favor and leave your freak flag in the chat room at home where it belongs. 

A Tiny Heart And/Or Other Tiny Object

This is the type of person who spends a lot of their time finding new ways to incorporate mason jars into their home décor. It’s okay, we were all thinking it. I’m going to take a shot in the dark and guess that they’re also the type of girl who loooveesss sushi and drinks wine according to the season (i.e. red in the fall/winter, white in the spring, rosé in the summer). Lol, you are so random. They probably thought that by getting a tattoo they could be the “edgy” girl in their sorority or that it would give them something to be coy about on a Bumble date, but honestly all it did was cement their place as the most basic bitch within a five mile radius. But, like, I’ll give a slow clap to that because you should own your basicness. I’d say never change, but that’s not really necessary because we all know they won’t.

Cursive Script

Girls who proudly display cursive script tattoos are 100 percent the assholes I was talking about earlier. They definitely have a “thing” that they’re into. Like fitness or travel or just generally being a self-absorbed asshole. That kind of thing. Getting a tattoo like this is the female equivalent of getting an “In God We Trust” tattoo, except instead of using a biblical verse to cover up that fact that he’s a giant douchebag who says shit like “I don’t believe in labels”, girls use it to cover up the fact that they’re low-key slutty. Like, tattooing the daily affirmation “you are so much more” on your body sort of loses its meaning when it’s placed directly beneath your nipple. You know? Like v important style icons Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus, they probably also got their cursive script tattoo after a stint in rehab for “exhaustion”. Good thing your boob hides that spelling error, though! Blessings.

Travel Coordinates

Travel coordinates on someone’s body are like the permanent version of a Facebook vacation photo album, except you don’t have the option to unsubscribe from their tattoo because it’s literally on their body. And believe me, these bitches will talk about their trips every chance they fucking get. At the 9am department meeting where people have no business speaking words to me, period. In the elevator on my way to one hour of approved freedom lunch. Or at happy hour, which is most offensive to me because that is my safe place and you’re ruining it by telling me the one time you did a wine tour in a foreign country. Groundbreaking. Like, just because you’ve been to Australia and seen a kangaroo does not make you a fucking world traveler. Like, oh did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness? Yeah, no one gives a shit.

Also, if I see one more Instagram selfie of a strategically posed thot “candidly” gazing up at a waterfall in a thong bikini with the caption “wanderlusting”, I will lose my goddamn mind. Seriously, these girls are the fucking worst. Not only are they the type of girls who 100 percent have travel coordinates tattooed on their ribs and/or wrist and/or hipbone but they also take themselves and their lavish vacations wayyy too seriously. Like, I get it, you want me to think you’re “roughing it” in Thailand rn, being one with the people and rejecting consumerism and blah, blah, blah. But let’s be real, you didn’t go to Thailand to bring safe drinking water to people living in poverty, you went there to do a casual amount of drugs and take fire selfies at the Full Moon Party. Come on.

A Matching BFF Tattoo

You and your friend must think a lot of your friendship if you’re willing to permanently mar tattoo your body with matching heartbeat tattoos (v original, girls, btw). Much like many facets of my life, I blame Pretty Little Liars for this—Marlene King, where is my evil twin to blame shit on every time I fuck something up?—because even though the Liars all got matching tattoos, that does not mean you and your bestie should get matching tattoos. The difference between you and the cast of PLL (aside from their fame, money and issues with anorexia) is that they have the money to get said tattoo surgically removed should they find out that their BFF cut off all of her hair when they got back to school in the fall and got totally weird and I guess now she’s on crack. So, like, really know the person before you get a life-long connection to them seared on your body. Ya know, just food for thot.

^Or just somebody you share half a yin and yang tattoo with

Recently, celebrities have been wearing tiny oval sunglasses and I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Normally, I’m into almost anything Rihanna or Bella Hadid does, but I’m having a hard time warming up to this eyewear trend. I feel like it’s mostly due to the fact that this style of sunnies won’t cover much of my face, which could be problematic when I’m hungover or drunk in an inappropriate setting. (Which is always.)

However, Kylie Jenner and Jordyn Woods wore some tiny shades to Panda Express during the first weekend of Coachella. I’m coming up with exactly zero reasons as to why Kylie Jenner and Jordyn Woods would ever be at Panda Express during Coachella if they weren’t a) hungover or b) day drunk, so I’m assuming these sunglasses are somewhat functional.

Here are a few pairs of weird, small oval sunglasses that you may enjoy if you think you’re pretty enough and interesting enough to wear ugly shit. Or if you just want to look like a meme. Up to you.

SUMMER Cateye Sunglasses, Topshop

I know like, absolutely nothing about video games. If I did, I’m sure I could come up with some clever comparison of these sunglasses to a video game character. IDK. Anyway, I spent my high school years drinking Four Loko and hanging out with actual human beings, so you’re going to have to get creative here. Sorry. (Not really.)

Sadie Slim Oval Sunglasses, Urban Outfitters

If you don’t get hundreds of likes on an Instagram of a fake-artsy Polaroid photo, you can always convince people that you do by simply dressing like a Tumblr girl. These should do the trick.

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Replay Vintage Sunglasses, Forever 21

Apparently, Forever 21 is now selling vintage sunglasses. Replay Vintage is a brand of dead-stock, limited edition sunglasses from the 70s through the 90s. Basically, that just means that they were manufactured a long time ago, but have never been sold or worn. So no, these glasses weren’t anyone’s mom’s in the 80s. That’s actually kind of cool, but personally, I’d be more impressed if Forever 21 could just like, stop ruining decent clothing with phrases like “trouble maker” and “nice is the new cool.”

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Lorelle 53mm Cat Eye Sunglasses, Kate Spade New York

You can’t really see all of the red flags that the fuckboy you’ve been “hanging out with” has been waving at you if you’re wearing rose tinted lenses, so slide these babies on, crush a box of wine all by yourself and text him three more times even though he already left you on read. You two obviously have a really bright future ahead of you, so it’s a good thing these sunnies offer 100% UV protection!

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Oval Flat Lenses, Ray-Ban

These Ray-Bans really reminded me of The Matrix, which was initially a total turnoff. I’ve only seen that movie once and I didn’t finish it because it was two and a half hours long and I started to get bored and hungry, but I’m pretty sure that it’s about taking pills and a girl who wears a lot of leather and can hack into computers to learn other people’s secrets. Again, I never finished it, but when I think about it, that sounds pretty betchy to me.

Read: The 5 Sneakers You Should Be Wearing Instead Of Basic Adidas Superstars
 

Karl Lagerfeld once said that “sweatpants are a sign of defeat,” but that was probably way before Gigi Hadid and the rest of the fashion betches created the athleisure movement to make it socially acceptable to wear comfortable clothes in public. Even Chanel is experimenting with tracksuits and sports bras now.

Of course, with every trend comes a wave of celebrities trying to make bank and stay relevant off of it. In 2017, you’re only relevant if you have a lip kit, fragrance, and/or athleisure line. While I totally support wearing leggings and a tank top every single day (keeping people guessing whether I’ve just come off a stationary bike or an alcohol bender is kind of my thing), celebrity workout clothes can be a slippery slope. Like nose jobs and reality shows, not all athletic gear was created equal, so here’s a definitive ranking of the betchiest celeb lines.

5. Kate Hudson’s Fabletics

Kate Hudson is a betch icon, which means that because her dad is the inventor of Toaster Strudel a rock star, she has the power to convince people to sign up for a subscription service to get floral capri leggings every month. Fabletics really puts an emphasis on the “leisure” side of athleisure, because you don’t even have to enter your dad’s credit card information more than once—let alone leave the house—to get it. Just beware that your dad may have to sell his soul in order to cancel your subscription. But that’s why we love our dads: they’d do anything for us and our quest for cheap leggings. #Blessed

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4. Carrie Underwood’s Calia

Carrie Underwood has the most amazing legs on the planet, so obviously, taking fitness advice from her is like getting an electrolysis referral from Kim Kardashian. Her line, Calia, is kind of like the mom version of Lululemon, but I’ll let it slide because it also has more mesh than the entire cast of Jersey Shore’s wardrobes combined.

Calia is sold at Dick’s Sporting Goods, which is actually totally convenient because you can purchase a Louisville Slugger with your slutty caged sports bra to get all of your revenge supplies in one stop.

3. Kylie Jenner Merchandise

Kylie Jenner probably owns enough sweatpants and leggings to outfit every hungover betch for the next decade. Obvs, she threw some “sports sets” into her online merchandise shop. Everything is designed in Calabasas, which most likely means that the spandex shorts are engineered to reduce the appearance of butt pads.

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The shop is also home to Champion sweatsuits that say “THICK!” on them. 70 bucks for a pair of Kylie’s sweatpants may seem pricey, but it’s probably one of the most cost effective ways to tell the world that you have a huge ass, or that you *think* you have a huge ass.

2. Beyoncé’s Ivy Park

Beyoncé could release a collaboration with Crocs and the world would still lose its shit, so it’s no surprise that her Ivy Park line has been so successful. It’s almost like we don’t even get to choose whether or not we like Beyoncé, we just have to. I honestly find it hilarious that people think the NSA is reading our group chats—if anyone’s secretly watching over everything we do, it’s Beyoncé’s team. Anyway, Ivy Park’s website is filled with like, tons of information about the “innovation” of their designs, so if you happen to break a sweat during the light jog you do when someone far away holds a door open for you, Bey’s got you covered.

1. Rihanna’s Fenty Puma

Fenty Puma by Rihanna is hands down the betchiest celebrity athleisure line out there (*braces for my inevitable hit by the Beyoncé mafia*). It’s always sold out, which means it’s exclusive. Plus, it inspires laziness because you can’t actually work out in platform sneakers or stilettos. Unless you’re Mariah Carey. (In which case, you’re not even really working out. You’re just spending your personal training session forcing your trainer to take pics of you. Such a power move.)

Crystals have been around for a while, but getting crystals at witchy stores like Spellbound Sky and House of Intuition are becoming as basic as adopting a rescue dog. At least the rescue dog will get you more Instagram likes. But let’s take a look at why TF everyone is so into crystals and whether they’re betchy or not.

Plenty of betchy celebrities are into crystals including Adele, Victoria Beckham, Katy Perry (ehh), and Miranda Kerr. I mean, if we were winning dozens of Grammys we’d probably be cool saying rocks contain magic too. Maybe Bey would have gotten the credit she deserved if only she had washed her aventurine with the salt water tears of her enemies. But at the same time, Spencer Pratt and Anne Hathaway also swear by crystals. So like, it’s kind of a zero sum game.

We used to think crystals were for the goth freaks who hung out in the back building and had way too many facial piercings for a 14-year-old, but if you live in LA then you’ve been to Cafe Gratitude and know that good vibes are like currency here. And now I will go shoot myself for writing the most obnoxious sentence of all time. Anyway, Cafe Gratitude is like a haute couture version of Whole Foods. For one thing, crystals are expensive, which makes them inherently betchy. I mean, you can drive to Joshua Tree and literally pick up a rock for free, but if you want to buy a smaller version of that rock on a silver chain from a “healer”, it’ll cost you $50. And you can’t just buy one crystal, so you end up spending hundreds just to line up your chakras to the moon or whatever.

There are crystals for everything from career to love to blocking negative energy. That kind of just sounds like drugs, TBH. Or drinking. Some of us drink when we’re “feeling off” and some of us buy little rocks and put them in their bras for good luck. And then some of us buy crystals. Usually the types of girls who care too much about expensive rocks are the kind who are super thirsty to get married, and that’s not very betchy. Though we’re sure there’s some connection with girls that like crystals. They def care more about their engagement ring than the man who gave it to them. I mean, both are expensive rocks that mean something to some people and mean literally nothing to everyone else. But believing in magic because the world is going well for you means you’re probably living a #blessed life and that is kind of betchy too.

Because let’s be real. If you believe in crystals, chances are shit was going great for you anyway. There’s a reason you never see anyone working at McDonald’s wearing quartz or opal. Wearing pretty jewelry to protect your soul from bad spirits is basically a plot out of a Disney princess story, and there’s nothing betchier than needing to be protected because you’re a princess.

On the other hand, we’ve learned from dating shady bros that you never want to get too into something. Caring too much is never betchy, and girls who get too into crystals are like, embarrassing. If you’re washing your crystals under every full moon and laying them out at every first Tinder date you go on, you’re like trying way too hard. Or you’re probably ugly or fat. Either way, it’s not a good look.

So in conclusion, we can get on board with a few mindful meditations that revolve around shiny stones, but only until we get bored and move on to the next expensive trend we don’t need. Basically, you can get into crystals and still be betchy the way a hot girl can be crazy and still be hot. Like, it’s definitely not a part of your character anyone likes, but they’ll put up with it because you’re hot.