Wowwwowow. Sometimes Law & Order: SVU imitates life, and other times, life imitates Law & Order: SVU. I say that because on seasons 13 and 14 of SVU, the members of the elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit uncovered a prostitution ring (that trafficked underage girls) that went all the way to the top. I’m talking cops, District Attorneys, politicians—you name it, these high-up people were participants in this prostitution ring. Conveniently, I basically just described the crimes Jeffrey Epstein was accused of, give or take a few lavish parties, a pyramid scheme of sex trafficking, and a sketchy guy who makes his money from unknown sources. If you want more details of Epstein’s alleged crimes, listen to The Sup podcast where we did a full breakdown or read this article where we covered it. But I warn you, you’ll need a strong stomach. On Saturday morning, Jeffrey Epstein was found dead of an apparent suicide in his cell. Does that sound like a plot straight from Dick Wolf, or does that sound like a plot straight from Dick Wolf?
On Friday, a partial transcript from a September 2016 deposition in a lawsuit became public, in which Epstein repeatedly plead the fifth to questions such as whether Ghislaine Maxwell was “one of the main women” he used to procure underage girls for sexual activities, whether Maxwell met one of the females she recruited for massages at the Mar-a-Lago resort owned by President Donald Trump in West Palm Beach, and whether he was a member of Mar-a-Lago in 2000. Virginia Giuffre, one of Epstein’s accusers, said in the deposition that she met Maxwell and Epstein at Mar-a-Lago (sound familiar? That’s owned by Trump), and they coerced her into various sex acts.
The documents also named a number of prominent figures such as New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson and former US Sen. George Mitchell, among others, who were allegedly involved in this sex trafficking ring, though they of course denied involvement.
Saturday morning, Epstein was found dead in his cell of an apparent suicide by hanging. He had apparently tried to commit suicide once before, and my Law & Order education would tell me that should have put him on suicide watch, but I guess the Metropolitan Correctional Center in Manhattan is not as diligent as the fictional portrayal of Rikers. Weird!
I’m not a conspiracy theorist (I don’t think there’s anything weird about Denver International Airport and we definitely landed on the moon), but I’m a conspiracy theorist when it comes to this kind of stuff. It is incredibly convenient (and sketchy!) that Epstein committed suicide the day after implicating a bunch of prominent private and public figures in an underage sex trafficking ring? And that he’s attempted suicide before and nobody apparently was watching that closely??? Either or man saw the writing on the wall and ended his sh*t before all his high-powered friends could come for him…. or this was an inside job.
*Executive producer Dick Wolf*
Images: Getty Images
If you don’t know who Andy King is, then congratulations on your rich and full social life. For those of us who stayed at home binging the Fyre Festival documentaries like normal people, Andy King is a hero, a visionary, the loyal friend 2019 deserves. He is, in other words, the guy who was willing to suck d*ck for water bottles, when asked to do so by longtime friend and Fyre Festival organizer Billy McFarland. (I feel like people gloss over the fact that Billy asked him too way too much, by the way—let’s all remember that King didn’t come up with this sh*t.) Anyway, King obviously became an internet sensation, with many memes invoking his willingness to do literally whatever it took to get the Fyre Festival attendees their water.
How every girl looks at Colton during the rose ceremony #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/HDcU2G2nDc
— The Betchelor Podcast???? (@betchelorpod) January 29, 2019
We shared the memes, we laughed at the memes, we pondered what our own minimum threshold is to suck a d*ck, but the question remained: what did Andy King think of his overnight stardom? Well, now we finally have our new meme star’s response. In a video interview with Netflix, Andy King talks about his newfound fame, what it’s like to see himself in memes, and how you can help support Fyre Festival victims.
While I strongly recommend that you watch the whole video, here are some highlights. King kicks things off by announcing that he’d rather not be known as “the Blowjob King.” Fair! Given the option, I think we would all prefer to not have that nickname. Obviously, some of us deal with that preference by not announcing our willingness to bribe government officials by performing sexual acts on camera, but that’s neither here nor there. We also learn that King has never been on social media before this, which is truly shocking. Did he even watch the Fyre Festival ads that were going around before he got on board? Or did Billy burn him DVD copies to watch at home? Knowing Billy, I feel like he probably just showed him footage from last year’s Coachella and promised him it would be the exact same thing, only bigger and better.
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Anyway, King doesn’t know what “trending” means, or how to pronounce “meme,” but knows that he is both of those things. And he would like to use that newfound power to direct your attention to the GoFundMe for unpaid Fyre Festival workers. Consider donating, but also consider just how apt it is that 2019’s first hero is a guy who was willing to suck d*ck to save good people from getting hurt by his rich asshole friend’s terrible idea (yet not willing to insist his decades-younger friend pull the plug on said festival when it got to the point of sucking d*ck for water). Andy King is what we need in 2019, a year in which crazy has boiled over everywhere we look: we need someone willing to act when things gets very, very messy.
Images: realandyking / Instagram; Netflix
Did Kylie’s tweet kill Snapchat for you? Are you sick of your ex’s new model girlfriend popping up on your discover page? Are you tired of
Russian bots your mom’s constant Facebook posts? Then you might be ready for Vero, a new social media platform that is not Facebook, Instagram, or or Twitter, and that’s kind of the biggest thing it has going for it right now.
The app has gotten so popular that it gained 500,000 users in 24 hours in the U.S., despite the fact that nobody can really tell you what it does. It’s not even that new. The app actually launched in 2015, billing itself as a social media network that “lets you be yourself.” As opposed to the 250 well-adjusted people you pretend to be on Instagram daily.
So far, the pros of Vero appear to be that the entire app was designed as a troll of the social media networks we already know and love to hate. Vero has no ads (sorry Putin!), appears in chronological order (Yaaassss), and “emphasizes privacy policies,” meaning you’re not going to wake up from a weird dream about Cinnabon only to find 30 ads for cinnamon-based products miraculously flooding your Vero feed. Bless.
As far as I can tell, Vero appears to be a Facebook/Insta hybrid. You can post text and share links, but most people are using it for photos because like, duh that’s kind of what social media is. Vero also lets you mark people as friends, close friends, and acquaintances, so your feed will know the difference between that random guy from your 9th grade civics class who became libertarian and moved to the woods and like, your sister.
So is Vero the next big thing, or is it just the next Ello? (You: What is Ello? Me: Exactly.) It’s hard to say, but in the spirit of supporting any social media app that does not already have my mom, grandma, and uncle-who-posts-pictures-of-guns on it, I’ll be making my account.
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I’ve put up with a lot of shit from the male species over the years. For example, finding out that the person I’ve been Snapchat committed to all winter long proudly wears Chubbies in the summer. Or depriving myself of real happiness by actively not trying to set fire to everything a fuckboy loves when he disappears off the face of the earth after five months of dating. You know, that kind of thing. And yet I still show up to play the game on Bumble every fucking week. *takes slow, calming breath* But there are just some things I will not get behind and one of those things is RompHims. Brace yourselves, ladies, because this just in: male rompers are happening and we’ve officially hit rock bottom.
Who is responsible for this abomination, you may ask? As per usual, douchebags in pastels are to blame for this, as well as my trust issues. Apparently a group of bros “were sitting around drinking beers one evening” and came up with the idea for grown men to buy and wear rompers. To absolutely no one’s surprise, it turns out that all four of the co-founders have yet to graduate business school and this whole idea was some sort of group project gone awry.
— Desmond (@TheeDMC) May 15, 2017
Tbh that information is less alarming than this promotional video they made:
Oh, for fuck’s sake. I sincerely hope season two of 13 Reasons Why addresses this v important issue because RompHims def deserves a tape.
Okay, can we be serious for a second. Do we really think that if a guy wore this to a bar he’d get laid?
DO WE?? I want to say the answer to that question is a hard no, but I’m amazed at what
I’ll do women will do when they’re white girl wasted. Literally. Though in all honesty, if some 19-year-old lacrosse player douchebag wore this shit to Houston Hall it could be a game changer.
Also, do men not realize that rompers are sabotage in its purest form when you’re out at bars? It’s all fun and beautiful Instagram pictures until you break your seal and almost publicly wet yourself trying to Houdini your way out of that shit. I mean, guys still have difficulty taking off my bra during foreplay so, like, good fucking luck with the romper, fellas.
That being said, the creators of this monstrosity do promise that unlike rompers designed for women, RompHims are “pee friendly.” Great, because the world wasn’t already pee friendly enough for men. And if that doesn’t symbolize that the patriarchy is real and thriving then Idk what does.
To make matters worse, these douchebags have already raised over $135,000 because apparently anyone can make a Kickstarter campaign these days. So basically the threat of this actually happening is very, very real. Just to put things in perspective here, that’s more money than was raised to save Raquel from a lifetime of servitude making cheese pasta. WHERE IS THE HUMANITY??
Idk about you, but I’m feeling very personally victimized rn. Like, when will the men be stopped?? What do they want to take from us next? Stay tuned for tomorrow’s story on men’s tampons.
It used to only be okay to wear black and red if you were Kirsten Dunst in Bring it On or like, Avril Lavigne. The color combo totally evokes sk8er girl vibes, which were gross AF until recently, when everyone started wearing Vans and Thrasher hoodies as dresses and the flames trend was born. Do any of us even know what Thrasher is? Probably not, but it’s irrelevant, because Rihanna wears it and what RiRi says goes. (Side note, that totally pisses off the people at Thrasher. Again, don’t really know/care who those people actually are, but if they think Rihanna isn’t badass enough to wear their clothes, they’re probably stage five hardos.)
It seems like almost everyone is currently going through an “it’s not a phase, mom” phase. In addition to nipple piercings and “snogged lips,” you should probably get some shit with flames on it if you’re looking to pull off the “edgy, but I’m still part of a family cell phone plan and shower regularly” vibe.
At first, the flame trend reminded me of something the people who took their Facebook profile pictures in Spencer’s would wear. Then, supermodels and other famous people started to wear it, so I decided it was fine. I’ve also realized that this trend has my full support because it creates outfits that are so easy to caption, which gives you time to do more important things like complain and take even more pictures of yourself. All you have to do is throw up some fire emojis and call it a day. Here’s how to pull off the trend without looking like one of the Hot Wheels toys the kid you babysat in high school used to play with.
Halsey is a perfect example of a betch who’s like, really pretty and into high fashion but also hashtag edgy. She’s proof that a Gucci bag with flames on it is the most effective way to show the world that you’re into expensive shit, but also super chill and probably smoke weed.
In case you accidentally spent all of your funds on Ubers to places you could have walked to, or are just a regular person who can’t afford to blow four grand on a bag you’ll only use for two months, there are definitely other options. This American Vintage Leather Flame Backpack will achieve a similar vibe and nobody will even know it’s not designer if you take the photo with that Polaroid camera you got at Urban Outfitters.
Bella Hadid, who is another icon in the world of basic betches who are still edgier and cooler than everyone else, wore a leather Philipp Plein miniskirt with flames for her PAPER cover shoot. Unfortunately, it costs roughly the same amount of money as 185 vodka crans.
The One Above Another Mini Skirt In Petrol Glitter With Flame from ASOS is $49 and sparkly, so… I’m going to go with that one instead.
Of course, no roundup of trends that primarily exist on Instagram would be complete without featuring the Queen of outfit pics an innocent boyfriend was forced to take, Kylie Jenner. Obviously, there’s a $70 pair of Champion sweatpants with flames screen printed on the side in the Kylie Jenner Shop. Considering you’ll probably wear these once before throwing them into the bin of clothes you only pull from when you’re blacked out and waiting for your pizza to be delivered, it’s probably okay to get the Forever 21 knockoff in this situation.
So yeah, you’re welcome for all of the “OMG you’re so clever lol” comments you’ll get on your flame outfit Instagram with an “IT’S LIT” caption.