Now that Pretty Little Liars is officially over (right, Marlene King? Because I can’t take one more sets of fucking twins) there’s not much I have to live for these days. Like, do you expect me to stop wasting my youth watching 30-year-old high schoolers get psychologically tortured by a deranged Regina George wannabe and, like, actually live my life? That’s asking a lot of me. But I’m doing this new thing where I try to work on my personal growth so I guess it’s time to obsess over something else in life. Like makeup. And slowly going into credit card debt. Lol this will be fun. So here are eight beauty products that just launched and will help you live your best Instagram life this summer. You’re welcome.
Urban Decay just dropped a new version of its cult-favorite basic bitch-endorsed Naked Palette, and it is the reason my rent check was late last month because priorities. The new launch includes 12 warm red-toned shades that I was SURE would make me look hideous but in fact make me look flawless like a very unknown celeb on a good beauty day.
This product is the key to making you look less hungover at work like you don’t drink on days that end in Y. It’s a mousse, which I’m always skeptical about because usually when I wear mousse products I look less like an Herbal Essences model and more like I have dandruff. But this stuff is the real deal because it absorbs oil and doesn’t leave behind any of that powdery shit. I guess we really can have it all. Plus it gives off Drybar’s signature Blanc scent, so instead of your hair smelling like bars and fuckboys it’ll smell more like vanilla and cupcakes.
This product might be the best thing to happen to me since Seamless fucked up my order that one time and gave me extra egg rolls. Seriously, that was the gift that kept on giving. Anyway, the Milk Makeup Blur Spray is a setting spray that acts like an Instagram filter in that it makes you look like a better, more airbrushed version of yourself. Furthermore, it gives your complexion a soft-focus finish so no one will be able to see the “real” you underneath all the makeup. Blessings.
So earlier this month Kim Kardashian West broke the internet with something other than soft-core porn a super classy nude photo shoot. Shocking, I know. Kimmy launched the KKW contour kits, which I will be buying for a number of reasons but mostly because of the pure shade that went into launching a makeup line that’s in direct competition with her younger—and most fame thirsty—sister. Never change, Kim. Other than being an avid supporter of shade throwers, I’ve also always wanted to look like a Kardashian but since the only thing I have on call is the Domino’s guy and not a reputable plastic surgeon I guess I’ll have to settle for this shit. Sighs. This product has been sold out since like, the minute it launched but I’m sure you could sell a liver on the black market or something in exchange for one. Though, if it’s a liver, I might be out. Unless they want one that’s been extensively partially used 3-5 days a week for the last six years? Anyways, best of luck to you!
If you, like me, are horrified by your summer body because you a) do not remember what sunlight looks like as it’s been your personal life’s mission to rewatch all one million seven seasons of PLL in preparation for the finale or b) have used winter as an excuse to let yourself go in all aspects of the word, then this shit is about to save your life. It looks and smells just like a standard solidified coconut oil, but when you apply it to your skin, it makes you look glowy AF while also hydrating your skin. Similar to my Bumble profile, it will give off the illusion that you’re fun and outgoing and actually leave your house to do things outside by giving you super natural-looking tan skin. Tbh there’s not much more I can ask for in this life.
Jen Atkin, a coveted member of the Kardashians’ beauty slaves team, just released this restorative hair product that’s about to be an essential part of your summer beach beauty plan. It’s silicone-free and includes oils that help multitask, like absinthium oil to help hydrate your hair, rose hip oil to heal scars and redness, and shea oil to moisturize dull, dry hair. Plus it smells like a fucking dream. Seriously, it’s advertised to smell like “you own a yacht” which is a literal dream of mine.
^a deleted scene from my dream
We’ve talked about this one before, but that’s because it saves lives makes you look less hungover on Mondays. This product just came out in June and like its primer predecessor, it’s loaded with coconut water and antibiotics to add hydration and nourishment to your dehydrated af complexion. Praise. Plus it smells like a coconut dream, which will come in handy when you’re trying to disguise the fact that your downed vodka sodas like water last night and drunk called your ex.
I know this summer is all about the nudes—lip color and otherwise—but if you’re looking for a pop of color, this product is about to be your go-to. The color itself is your classic red with an orange twist. Tbh if you told me last month that I Elle Woods would be supportive of an orange-colored beauty product I’d say you were seriously disturbed, but now I’ve changed my stance because this color is actually chic AF. And because it’s super pigmented you don’t have to layer it on for the color payoff, THANK GOD.
Don’t you just hate when you wake up on a Friday morning after
ten three vodka sodas the night before, looking like the crypt keeper and having 20 minutes to get your shit together and get to work? This is my daily struggle. Tbh there are very few things in this world that I appreciate more than products that are designed to help me drink/make me look good while I’m drinking/cover up the fact that I have been drinking. But Too Faced is about to have a seat at The Plastics’ table because they’re set to release a beauty product that helps hide your hangovers. Not all heroes wear capes, people. The Hangover 3-in-1 Primer and Setting Spray (Jesus, that’s a mouth full) will be included in Too Faced’s fall beauty collection launching this June.
The fall collection will also feature, what else, more new additions to the Unicorn Tears franchise because apparently that trend will never die.
The goal of the Hangover spray is to revive your skin, leaving you fresh-faced and glowing. The ultra-fine mist is infused with hydrating coconut water and probiotics to keep your skin moisturized throughout all the shit you put it through. At its core the product is a priming mist that you can use before applying makeup, to set your finished look, or to just spritz it on if you want your face to spell like a piña colada. Because bonus: it smells like my spring break trip to Cabo minus the body shots and tequila.
I’m torn because on the one hand, Too Faced is supporting the unicorn trend enough so that they’re trying to make this still a thing come fall, which on principle I cannot stand by. But on the other hand, they’re actually saving lives with this hangover primer and setting spray. Who am I kidding, come June I’ll be in line with the rest of the basics because I’d rather buy a beauty product than, say, fix my
drinking social habits.