You guys, I have a confession to make: I’m low-key obsessed with 90 Day Fiancé. I began watching it after one of my coworkers gave me a thesis defense on why it’s the best show on television during our company holiday party (working at Betches is wild), and I binged the entire season in about a week. This season was pretty dramatic, what with pretty much every single couple being a thinly veiled green card marriage (with the exception of Kalani and Asuelu, who I do believe are in it for close to the right reasons). But if you ask me, the real drama is taking place right now, off-camera, on social media. Over the past few weeks, sh*t has hit the fan between Larissa and Colt, who announced their divorce amidst physical fighting, shut down GoFundMe accounts, and domestic violence charges. Now, Ashley and Jay are getting a divorce after only eight months of marriage.
In case you need a refresher, 31-year-old Ashley met 20-year-old Jay in Jamaica and decided it was a good idea to marry someone who couldn’t even legally drink in the U.S. at the time of their wedding. They made it through a full three days of wedded bliss before Jay downloaded Tinder and started talking to other women and Ashley caught him. Their relationship was essentially DOA from that point on, but Ashley spent the rest of the season and both parts of the reunion waffling between getting her marriage annulled or staying married and making Jay grovel until death do them part.
A source revealed to InTouch that Ashley filed for divorce on January 11, and Ashley basically confirmed it. She posted in a caption on her latest Instagram, “Who the f*ck is leaking all this sh*t? #LinkInBio #NotCool ????”. That’s not a denial that they’re getting divorced. The source also said to InTouch, “it is frustrating to both Ashley and Jay that this got leaked without them being the ones to get to share their story the way they wanted to.” Excuse me, what? How are you gonna reveal that Ashley and Jay are pissed that you’re leaking their info as you’re leaking their info? That is truly an impressive level of not giving a f*ck, anonymous source.
The source also said, “It should be noted also that even though they have moved forward towards a divorce, they have remained friends and are super close and on great terms,” which we can all agree is a crock of sh*t. Ashley and Jay weren’t even on great terms while they were married. Who is this source? Is it Natalie?
Jay also confirmed the divorce. In a new Instagram post, he put up a picture of him carrying Ashley, with the only caption being a broken heart emoji. He turned off comments for the post, which is all the confirmation I need.
So what happens now? First things first: a screenshotted Notes app statement from the both of them. You know it’s coming. But as far as Jay’s immigration status? I have no idea; I’m not an immigration lawyer. On the one hand, a divorce doesn’t guarantee an immigrant losing their greencard. On the other hand, Ashley said during the reunion that she still hadn’t filled out some of the required paperwork for Jay to stay in the U.S. However, if Jay needs another greencard marriage to stay in the country, I’m sure there is no shortage of women who are willing to throw themselves at him (low-key me, please reserve your judgment at this time).
For what it’s worth, neither Ashley nor Jay seems too upset about the divorce. They each posted an Instagram story swipe-up to the InTouch article from their personal accounts. Right after that, Ashley posted a video of her driving while listening to Cardi B’s “Money”. (I’m calling her insurance company to report her for distracted driving.) This morning, Jay posted a series of videos of himself lip synching in the mirror to his Story (proof he really is 20 years old), plus a callout that said “For party hosting and promotions DM OR EMAIL ME”. Minutes after the divorce announcement swipe-up, he posted a Story that said “Can someone get me a contact for someone from Vivid”. So he’s clearly super broken up and not at all preparing to use his platform for fame.
With John and Fernanda, Larissa and Colt, and now Ashley and Jay split up, these 90 Day Fiancé couples are dropping like flies. I will be patiently waiting, refreshing my Instagram feed, to watch the rest of these couples (minus Kalani and Asuelu) call it quits. Call Shaun Robinson, because the drama is just heating up.
Images: jay_smith_ja / Instagram
As you know, 2017 has already seen the return of the early 2000s in a major way. First, it was the return of the Juicy Velour tracksuit, then Tyra Banks announced her return to ANTM, and now, TLC has gone full 2005 by announcing that Trading Spaces—the show that made suburban middle America’s impending housing bubble cool—will be returning to the network sometime next year. For those of you who don’t remember Trading Spaces, the premise was simple: Two sets of neighbors pair up with interior decorators and are given two days and $1,000 to fuck up each other’s homes redecorate. Sometimes, the results are chic and tasteful (or, as chic and tasteful as a 2005 Iowan ranch house could ever be). Sometimes, the results were gold hay spraypainted and stuck to the wall. All in all, it was a pretty great way to destroy your relationship with your neighbors and ensure you’ll never have to make small talk with them ever again.
The show was hosted by a pixie cut named Page Davis, who was forced to stand there and smile while people broke down into tears wondering why their brick fireplace had been destroyed, or why the fuck someone put all of their furniture on the ceiling.
Trading Spaces premiered Oct. 13, 2001 and ran until 2008, when TLC decided to switch from introducing the world to nice, normal families to introducing us to horrible nightmare families that abuse children with Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and 19 Kids and Counting. But now that literally all of those shows have completely imploded (who knew that a family with over 19 children who all have J names might have problems?!?), TLC is going back to basics and the new Trading Spaces should be back in 2018, exactly 10 years since it was cancelled. 10 years? Fuck. Now I feel old.
In honor of Trading Spaces’ return, here is our list of the five worst rooms the show ever produced, almost exclusively thanks to the work of Hildi Santo-Tomas. RIP all of these friendships.
1. Sand In The Living Room
No one in the history of the Earth has ever thought, “This living room is nice, but what it really needs is a shitload of sand!” And yet, Hildi Santo-Tomas did just that with a living room that was supposed to give a “relaxing cabana” vibe but ended up looking more like you live in a circus on the beach. I seriously cannot think of anything less “relaxing” than coming home to a room that is full of sand. You know those homeowners are still cleaning this shit up.
2. The Fireplace
One of Trading Spaces‘ most cringeworthy moments came when designer Doug Wilson went against the explicit wishes of one family to have their brick fireplace remain untouched. Instead, Doug turned their livingroom into the house from Beetlejuice. The homeowners hated it so much that the wife, Pam, had to step out of the room while legit sobbing on mic. As far as Trading Spaces drama goes, this was the equivalent of Pumkin spitting on New York in Flavor of Love.
3. Horror Kitchen
Who wouldn’t want to live in a kitchen that looked like someone was murdered in it? Hildi Santo-Tomas is back again with a kitchen that she designed to look like an elementary school haunted house, complete with a bloody tarp on the wall and coffin spice rack. Seriously, how does this woman call herself a “designer?”
4. Safari Bedroom
This design was perfect for anyone who’s ever gone to Rainforest Cafe and thought, “I’d like to live here!” The safari bedroom was the brainchild of Doug Wilson, who was probably projecting his own desire to move far far away and never decorate an ungrateful middle income family’s home again. I get that you’re hurting, Doug, but this is not the way out.
5. The Time Hildi Made A Mural Of Her Own Face
Nothing says “IDGAF what you want” like making a mural of your own fucking face in someone else’s livingroom. And Hildi did just that with one couple, whose room actually would have been cute if it weren’t for the mosaic of a D-list interior designer’s face taking up half the room. Honestly, Hildi must think she’s really pretty if she thinks people she literally met 48 hours ago would be interested in having her face as the centerpiece of their home. Ya gotta respet that confidence.
Other Hildi creations that I didn’t have time to mention: flower bathroom, hay house, furniture on the ceiling room, and like, a thousand others. God, I hope she comes back for the new season. I would love to see what she’d do with 2017 technology. Maybe a bedroom made out of old iPhones? Just a thought.
Well, fam. We made it: The weekend has finally arrived. What does the weekend have in store? Will you sip on Coke and rum and be like “so what I’m drunk?” Hopefully whatever you’re getting into nothing to do with March Madness. Or peeing on underage girls. Too soon? Sry, blame it on our horoscope. Check out what the stars and The Betches have cooked up for the next few days.
Aries
After a week or two (or six) of non-stop hard work, it’s time to take a break. I promise that the world will keep turning without your valiant efforts, so spend the next few days indulging in some good old TLC (either the euphemism or the network, neither would be wrong). While it may be hard to ignore the siren calls of your friends asking for help with just one thing, or emails piling onto your already overlfowing work load, you truly deserve some time to yourself. Turn that phone off, that TV up, and relish in 48 hours of pure relaxation bliss. As Tom Haverford would say:
Taurus
It’s party time, Taurus. After nearly a month of playing the responsible friend, it’s time to let loose. Literally anything goes. This weekend is Vegas, meaning that nothing that happens will actually stay a secret but people will at least pretend to not know the horrific things you did after consuming an entire fifth of tequila. Come Sunday you consider resting in order to prep for Monday, but we say nay. Keep the party going as long as your body will tolerate. There’s always time to sleep when you’re dead (or during that Monday morning meeting).
Gemini
Tread with caution this weekend, Gemini. Not saying that the universe has it out for you or anything, but uh, don’t test it. If there comes a time to make a risky decision, opt for the safer choice. If you’re asked to take on something with high stakes, kindly decline. If you are ever in a situation that could feasibly end in police involvement, bail. Sorry to sound bleak, but sometimes it’s better to play it safe rather than sorry.
Cancer
I know things seem rough right now, Cancer, but I’m going to need you to chill. Unless you are in a plane plummeting to the surface of the Earth with no hopes of survival, nothing is every truly as bad as it seems. Sometimes all it takes is removing yourself from a situation in order to gain that much-needed perspective. This weekend, try it out. See if you can get enough distance from your problems to see them for what they are. If you come back and are still miserable, it’s probably time to address them. Otherwise, let things slide and see how much less stressed you’ll be in general.
Leo
Lucky in love, Leo? Whether or not you’ve had any success up to this point, the next two days have some serious matchmaking vibes coming your way. Make sure to looking banging at all times, because the odds of you meeting Mr. Right are very high. This means breaking out of your shell and being open to new people, otherwise you may just scare your true love away. I find that the best way to make yourself open and appealing is to get stupid drunk. No one is nervous after six shots of something regrettable. Go out with an open heart, an open mind, and an open bar tab. You’ll be surprised what may come of it.
Virgo
After months of flying under the radar as the unsung hero, this weekend is your time to SHINE, Virgo. Honestly, you’ve been killing it for a while now and haven’t received nearly as much attention as you’ve deserved. Make the most of your time in the sun, because these moments don’t come around too often. No matter what move you make, it’s going to be the right one. That kind of power could go to someone’s head, but in your stable hands it’s only going to be used for good. But if you do end up using it for bad, we promise not to tell.
Libra
Rarely are we the type to dole out financial advice, but when the stars send a message we must abide. This is a time for saving, Libra. We know you’re really popular and it’s hard to not go out with your friends and drop $50 on vodka sodas every Friday, but think to the future. All those amazing trips you have planned? They slip farther and farther away with every Postmates order. This weekend, do yourself a favor and live a little bit of the frugal life. You’ll be thanking us when you’re chilling on a beach in Turks and Caicos a year from now.
Scorpio
It seems like all anyone ever says about Scorpios is how crazy they are. “Don’t cross a Scorpio, they’ll kill you in your sleep”—a sentence literally just said to me 10 minutes ago by a coworker who saw me writing horoscopes. But you know what this weekend has in store for you, Scorpio? A whole lot of feelings. Even the toughest of us need some time to break down and collect ourselves. Let the next two days be a time of healing, Scorpio. Watch some rom coms. Eat some shitty food. Cry for no reason. You’ve earned it! Don’t let astrology culture run your life any longer; it’s time to take yourself back.
Sagittarius
You know what you need to do this weekend, Sagittarius? Take some bitches down. There’s been rolling tension in your life for a few weeks now, and its time to shut it down. Make a list, check it twice, and then head out on your one-woman missing of reckoning. Will it be kind of awkward? Probably. But the sweet, sweet sleep you’ll experience? Priceless. Plus, people will know that crossing you in the future is something to avoid. A win/win.
Capricorn
After a few weeks (maybe months) of living large, it’s time to get down to business, Capricorn. Remember that old thing called school? It’s time to get back at it. We’re all for celebrating—more than most, probably—but even we know that you can’t play hard unless you work hard. Your next adventure will be all the sweeter knowing you really earned it.
Aquarius
You have one job this weekend, Aquarius: to go MIA. You have been stretching yourself far too thing for anyone’s liking, and it’s time to take a break. Turn off your phone, turn off your mind, and turn off the world around you. You may be tempted to tend to a friend in need, but sometimes it’s more important to put yourself first. You can’t other until you help yourself. Zen, right?
Pisces
This is a weekend for going back to basics. Let’s be real, nothing is more basic than you your family, in every sense of the word. It’s time to head home and let mom take care of you for a few days. This means pj’s, comfort food, and wine that you would never actually buy for yourself. Literally, none of that sounds bad. When you’ve had your fill of questions about non-existent grandchildren, it’s time to head home.
