Ugh, Sean Penn is back on his bullsh*t. Remember when this ass-clown wrote a poem about the #MeToo movement and it was a steaming pile of offensive, poorly crafted trash? Well, apparently he didn’t have his fill of being dragged by the media for having bad takes, so he has come back for more. This is the epitome of white male confidence. Writing a bad poem that everyone says is bad, and then being like, “They want more! Here I come, ladies!” During an interview on The Today Show, Penn offered up the idea that the #MeToo movement was “meant to divide men and women.” I mean, it was meant to divide male abusers from their female victims (and abusers of all genders from victims of all genders), but that’s not what Sean Penn was saying because Sean Penn doesn’t say things that make sense.

Penn also added, “I’m very suspicious of a movement that gets glommed on to in great stridency and rage and without nuance. And even when people try to discuss it in a nuanced way, the nuance itself is attacked.” He’s really talking a big game about “nuance” for a man who wrote a poem with the line “fuck it, what me worry?” in it.

Also, why are we still giving Sean Penn a platform to talk about this sh*t? Why are we still handing him the microphone? Men like him think their takes are so important and need to be heard, but here’s the the thing…they don’t! The #MeToo Movement has largely been about giving a voice/platform to women who have felt silenced. If you’re a man, and you have something supportive to add, sure. But for the most part, this is your turn to STFU and listen.

In conclusion, Sean Penn can f*ck right off. Like, you can go shave your back that creepy mustache you have now, Sean.

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Terrible news: Sean Penn wrote a poem. Even worse news: the poem is about #MeToo.  That’s right. A Sean Penn #MeToo poem officially exists, God save us all. In typical man fashion, he did this without even being asked. Imagine being Sean Penn and being like, “you know what the world needs but keeps forgetting to ask for? A poem about women coming forward with their experience(s) of sexual assault and harassment, by ME, Sean Penn!” Men’s inability to read the goddamn room truly knows no bounds.

Look, there’s nothing worse than bad poetry. At least that’s what I thought. Now I know there’s an even lower tier, and that is “bad poetry that is written by Sean Penn.” The poem can be found in the epilogue of his new novel, Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff, because apparently Sean Penn is out here writing novels too. I mean, I’d be totally fine with Sean Penn pursuing his passion of the written word if it didn’t involve a poorly written poem about rape at the end. But sadly that is not the reality we live in. Oh, and in case you were wondering, this poem has *nothing* to do with the rest of the novel. Sean Penn just *needed* to speak his truth.

I am going to share parts of the poem with you, and I am sorry. I’m also going to break it down into parts, because it’s literally impossible to get through a few lines without needing a quick break to scream into the abyss. Let’s unpack, shall we?

Though warrior women / Bravely walk the walk, / Derivatives of disproportion / Draw heinous hypocrites / To their flock

Okay, Sean, I’m going to stop you at ‘warrior women.’ I assume you got rock hard over the fact that you came up with a simple alliteration, but please keep the words ‘warrior women’ out of your mouth. Warrior women is something that’s only okay when other women say it. Seeing it being used by Sean Penn is like when men think they are being complimentary and *not* sexist by calling women “beautiful creatures.” GTFO. The next few lines are more alliterations that exist for sake of being alliterations, and some genius rhyming of ‘walk’ with ‘flock.’ Cool, dude.

Where did all the laughs go? / Are you out there, Louis C.K.?/ Once crucial conversations / Kept us on our toes; / Was it really in our interest / To trample Charlie Rose?

Ooooookay. Wow. Where did all the laughs go? I mean, I’m having plenty right now reading your joke of a poem. But clearly he is talking about how all the laughs in the world are gone because we made Louis C.K. apologize for cornering women and masturbating in front of them. I love that he thinks comedy is dead because a few men have had to pay the consequences of their actions. News flash for you, bud: there are very funny comedians — many WOMEN — who manage to be hilarious without assaulting or harassing anyone. The rooms they perform in are where all the laughs have gone, BITCH. Also, hard yes, it was in our best interest to trample Charlie Rose. Literally, it was in the interest of women who were being harassed by him in the workplace. I just. I can’t.

And what’s with this ‘Me Too’?/ This infantilizing term of the day…/ Is this a toddler’s crusade? / Reducing rape, slut-shaming, and suffrage to reckless child’s play?

I would like to formally pitch “A Toddler’s Crusade” as the title of Sean Penn’s memoir. Also, a big “NOPE” to this entire section of the “poem.”

A platform for accusation impunity?/ Due process has lost its sheen? / But, fuck it, what me worry? / I’m a hero, / To Time Magazine!”

So, what happens here is a very weird, bordering on incorrect use of the word sheen. Then he completely switches tone for the line ‘fuck it, what me worry?’ (A phrase I am 100% stealing BTW.) And then ends on a high note of poking fun at and attempting to discredit all the women who were put on the cover of Time Magazine for bravely speaking up about sexual harassment and assault. What writing workshop for sad, old men did he take where they taught that technique???

Long story short, this poem sucks ass and I can’t wait for Matt Damon to get the entire thing tattooed on his forehead.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

We’re not even a full week into February yet, and honestly, 2018 isn’t doing a stellar job at convincing anyone it plans to save us from the 365 days of hellfire that was 2017. A few good things actually did come out of 2017 though, like the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements. However, these movements wouldn’t be around in the first place if certain people didn’t act like total effing scumbags. There are seriously too many people to list, and I don’t have the time for that otherwise we’d be here all day, so here’s a shortlist to remind you who’s officially over and cancelled as we head into this new year reclaiming our time.

1. Harvey Weinstein

Do I really need to explain this one? The description for Time’s Up literally says it was formed in response to the “Weinstein Effect.” When you have your own “effect” named after you, it’s pretty safe to say you’re a monster of epic proportions and deserve to be cancelled indefinitely.

2. James Franco

Oh, James. Sometimes when a dude sorta looks like a creep, and talks like a creep, and smiles like a creep…he turns out to be a creep. Any professor who offers an instructional class on how to act in sex scenes should probably raise some red flags. Plus, we hear he’s allegedly a head pusher, and that is cool under absolutely no circumstance. The gag reflex is a delicate thing, and I will choose where I move my head when I damn well please. Next.

3. Matt Damon

Matt Damon is a classic case of “if you just kept your mouth shut, you wouldn’t be in this mess.” Honestly, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that, I’d have enough money to buy more vodka and bring that problem full circle again. Damon tried to differentiate the “spectrum” of sexual assault, because apparently it’s important to keep it straight that whipping your dick out and rubbing one out to an unwilling audience is not the same thing as grabbing a handful of ass without consent. Both are disgusting, but it’s a different disgusting. Thank you for clearing that up, Matthew. He also said he was hoping more attention could be given to men who have not been accused of sexual misconduct in order to…IDK clear the reputation of men everywhere? The last thing we need is more attention on powerful men. Like, at all. How d’ya like them apples?

4. Louis C.K.

Speaking of unsolicited jerking off, we now turn to Louis C.K., a comedian whose jokes about non-consensual assault and masturbation actually turned out to be true. Wow, a man who tells the truth – in any other scenario he’d be given a pat on the back and a gold medal. But this is not one of those impressive displays of honesty, and even though he issued a half-assed apology, he and his overexposed fire crotch are still DOA. *Friends theme song clap*

5. Kevin Spacey

Did you forget about Mr. Spacey? That might be because he was literally erased from existence following the many accusations against him for forcing himself on young men – most notably one who was underage at the time. Then he tried to make it all ok by being like “but wait, I’ve been gay this whole time! Pls respect my bravery for coming out in this trying time.” Absolutely not. Being gay is not an excuse for anything other than choosing exclusively Whitney Houston songs at karaoke. Not only is Spacey himself cancelled, but he also fucked up the final season of House of Cards, and that is a crime against Netflix and humanity. President Robin Wright, please save us from this mess.

6. Quentin Tarantino

File this one under “shoulda seen it coming.” While allegations against Tarantino have not been of the sexual misconduct nature, they certainly fall in line with a powerful man abusing his position and personally inflicting or putting women in harm’s way. Uma Thurman spoke to the NY Times about the abuse she endured on the set of Kill Bill, including Tarantino spitting in her face and choking her with a chain to coax a more convincing acting performance, and purposefully endangering her by insisting she perform a stunt in a dangerous car that led to her crashing and permanently damaging her neck and knees. If karma serves him right, I have a feeling a bunch of women are about to metaphorically go all Kill Bill on his ass.

7. Ed Westwick

One word. Eight letters. Say it and you’re officially done. Predator. It really cuts deep when the subject of most of your teenage sexual fantasies turns out to be yet another link in the chain. Remember when Chuck Bass forced himself on Jenny Humphrey? Well you know what they say about art imitating life. You know you love me, XOXO Gossip Betch.

8. Arie Luyendyk Jr.

Alright so, Arie hasn’t actually done anything terrible (yet) so don’t freak out and condemn him. I’m just saying we should cancel him because like…have you been paying attention to this season of The Bachelor? He’s honestly pretty creepy and gross when he “flirts” while trying to kiss each and every girl’s entire face in one gulp, so I’m not counting him out on the “Time might be Up” list just yet. Don’t @ me. Just accept that he’s not Peter a slimy dude who broke up with his long term girlfriend to be the elderly Bachelor and join in my judgment if you know what’s good for you.

9. A Shit-ton Of Directors And Producers

One Tree Hill? Run by a sexual harasser. Creator of Mad Men? Misconduct allegations. Roman Polanski, James Toback, Brett Ratner, even the head of Disney Animation? You guessed it. IDK what it is about men who already get to boss people around as a job needing a little extra fix, but I can safely say I’m never setting foot near a film set because those things are clearly booby traps full of douchebags waiting to assault you at every turn. No thanks. You can go shave your back now.

10. Donald Trump

While he hasn’t been officially cancelled yet, what is the hold up, people?! The fact that the President of the United States has been accused of sexual assault by 19 different women, and reportedly paid off a porn star after he had an affair with her right after his wife gave birth. This should matter. Why does nothing matter?! Never did I think I would root so hard for evidence that our government colluded with Russia, but I’m afraid that might be our only hope. When the day comes that the country starts paying attention to removing predators from positions of political power, I’ll have a Pussy Hat and a Time’s Up pin waiting with your name on it.

2018 Oscar Nominations came out this morning, which means you’ve already seen them if you give any kind of a shit (if you don’t but now you’re embarrassed, the list is included here). That being said, most women have not been kept up at night wondering whether Blade Runner 2049 will be nominated for sound editing—we’ve been wondering whether the combined forces of #MeToo and #TimesUp (or “The Weinstein Effect,” as Deadline refers to it) were enough to get Hollywood to start paying attention to the women they’ve overlooked. And while a small, solid gold statue isn’t exactly turning back the clock on inequality, it’s a lovely gesture that every one of us would accept, and a lot better than anything the US Government has offered up as its own sexual assault dirty laundry has been aired. In light of the revelation that Hollywood is a criminal hell pit of highly confident rapists recent events, let’s take a closer look at how the Academy’s nominations played out (specifically, men v. women nominated, duh). 

Overall Nominations: The Numbers

After analyzing every single person specifically (aka excluding Best Picture/Best Foreign Film) given an Oscar nomination this year, I reached the following conclusions: 1) Hollywood names are gender neutral AF (or maybe just men’s names, since every name I Googled to make sure wound up being a man) and 2) there’s been some progress, but this list is still laughably male-oriented. The breakdown: 66 of the nominations handed out were for men/all-male groups, while only 42 nominations were given a group/individual involving even a single woman. On the individual level, it’s even worse—44 women were nominated, compared to 136 men. This means most of the teams nominated had a gender ratio that shouldn’t be seen outside of Bachelorette group dates (aka 12 men to 1 woman), and also means that Hollywood still seems to have a hard time trusting women to make movies all on their own. Sigh.

The Worst Categories

While I’ll never demand that women go into a profession that forces them to sit in a dark room all day for the sake of equality (*cough* Sound Mixing *cough*), I’ll also never err on the side of assuming fewer women are in a certain profession for a lack of interest. Traditionally, institutional misogyny plays more of a role in blocking women from certain roles, so I’ll go ahead and drag the following categories with a clear conscience. For Sound Editing, we have 9 male nominees and 0 women. For Sound Mixing, we have 15 male nominees, and 1 woman (somehow even worse?). For Original Score, we have 5 men and 0 women. For Visual Effects, TWENTY men, and 0 women. And of course, for both Directing and Cinematography, 4 men vs. 1 woman (though at least Greta Gerwig’s Golden Globe snub was reversed, and Rachel Morrison is actually the first female cinematographer to EVER be nominated. Wow).

The Best Categories

And the reverse categories! In Costume Design, we have 3 women nominated and 2 men. In Production Design, we have 5 women nominated and…oh wait, still 5 men. I thought Original Screenplay was one of the better categories too, but turns out that’s 3 women and 4 men. And Animated Feature, where 4/5 nominees included a woman on the team? 4 women, 8 men. Okay, I’ve sensed the pattern and give up. Costume Design is the only category for 2018 where more women are nominated than men. Jesus.

The takeaway here? While it’s very nice of the Academy to take a year off from showering Woody Allen in gold, and take a cue from James Franco’s sexual assault allegations that it was okay not to like The Disaster Artist, there’s still a long way to go in terms of creating a genuinely equal workforce in Hollywood (spoiler: the race breakdown on this list looks even worse). So let’s hope all the badass women who did make this list go on to win, be promoted, and start some female-dominated studios—if for no other reason than the fact that I’d love to see the female version of an Entourage movie in 2020.

It’s a new day in Hollywood, which means there are new accusations against a powerful Hollywood man. And surprise surprise, betches, that man is James Franco, someone who’s made me make this face:

For 10 years now. Following the Golden Globes, five women came forward being like, “SNATCH THAT TIME’S UP PIN OFF THIS ASSHOLE’S LAPEL, because he does not deserve to be wearing it.”

Franco, who’s like built a reputation on being sooo busy, found time to run an acting school called Studio 4 that had a class, amongst others, called Sex Scene Master Class. You’re allowed to pause, give that a huge side eye, and now continue reading. He allegedly abused his power dynamic as teacher by telling girls to take off their tops and would get angry when they wouldn’t. One woman who starred opposite him in a film claimed he majorly crossed the line when he removed her protective plastic genital shield during an orgy scene where he was simulating oral sex on her. So it sounds like Franco is exactly what he looks like? A creep.

Of course he is denying everything because that’s par for course with these types of ghoulish men. Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers both were like, point blank, “are you a creep?” And he had the audacity to say he wasn’t, but if he was, he’d take responsibility for it. Biiiittcchhhh.

We all remember when he slid into a 17-year-old’s DMs on Instagram, asking her how old she was and where her hotel room was? When she was like, “honey I literally just got my drivers license, back off,” he did not back off and continued to digitally hover on her ‘gram. He obvs got caught doing that because he wasn’t slick enough to be doing any of this in the DMs and when he was called out, he claimed that “social media is tricky.” Honey, social media might be tricky, but being a pedophile isn’t,

So flush your Freaks & Geeks DVDs down the toilet, because we’re done with Franco. You can get your Busy Phillips fix from her Instagram stories. Or like, keep the DVDS, but have a frank converation with yourself about how worshipping the men in shows like this gives them the power to abuse for many years after the show is cancelled. Franco has lived up to his movie’s name and is truly a disaster artist. Bye.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

In some of this week’s most satisfying news, it might not be amazing to be Harvey Weinstein right now. Weinstein, who was one of the major pervs that inspired the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements, was eating at a restaurant in Arizona on Tuesday night when a stranger walked up and slapped him in the face. It is with full journalistic integrity that I now pause to say YAAASSSSSSSS.

TMZ has a video of the whole thing, because obviously the gods were smiling down upon us, and it’s glorious. Harvey looks like he just spent a month living in the forest with only a single grey t-shirt to wear, which was maybe all he had time to grab before being chased out of Hollywood by a torch mob of actresses.

The slapper is a man who looks sort of ruggedly handsome from the quick glimpse we get in the video, and afterward he yells “Get the fuck out of here…you’re a piece of shit. Get your fucking ass out of here.” We don’t know who this man is, but we vow today that we will find him and marry the shit out of him. This is what we mean when we talk about male allies working to stop sexual assault and harassment, and this man deserves a fucking award.

Harvey Weinstein was apparently having dinner with his sober coach when the other diner (who was a little drunk) approached him, at first to ask for a photo. We’re sad the photo didn’t happen because we have a feeling there would have been a casual middle finger or something, but the slapping video is even better. If this man turns into the first big viral sensation of 2018, it’s going to be a good year. Now, I just need to know where Harvey Weinstein is at all times so I can also go and slap the shit out of him.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

The Golden Globes are usually nothing more than a night of gorgeous billionaires getting together and giving themselves awards, and at least a few LOL moments for us when some stars show up in the ugliest effing skirt we’ve ever seen. I never thought I’d be saying this but, last night the Golden Globes were…important. This year the annaul event had a theme: the Time’s Up movement — an initiative to end sexual harassment and assault in the workplace, once and for all. Women took the lead by wearing all black in honor of Time’s Up, and men followed by wearing pins with the initiative’s logo. The theme came at a fitting time, because 2017 was at least the year people started listening to something women have literally always known: men ain’t shit.

There were a lot of really amazing moments when women vocalized their support to put an end to sexual abuse, misogyny and inequality, so we picked out our favs. Spoiler alert: Justin “Man of The Woods” Timberlake didn’t make the cut.

Debra Messing Calling Out E!

Debra Messing kicked off the night by criticizing E! while being interviewed by…E! Literally amazing. Messing pointed out that former E! host Catt Sadlier had left her position due to the fact that she received half the pay of her male co-host. Messing said, “We stand with her,” and then went on to talk about intersectional feminism and the importance of bringing diversity and equality into the workplace. Her powerful words set a precedent for the rest of the night, sending the message that the bullshit expiration date has passed. Tick tock, mother fuckers.

Tarana Burke Attending as Michelle Williams’ Date

Tarana Burke is the woman who started the #MeToo movement, but hasn’t received nearly enough credit for it because she is a black woman and this is America, where overlooking black women’s achievements is as trendy as white boots for winter. But last night we saw that trend get challenged when Tarana Burke was invited to the Golden Globes as Michelle Williams’ date. The Time’s Up movement couldn’t exist without women like Tarana Burke, and having her present at The Golden Globes sends a powerful message. *looks at watch impatiently and sips wine*

Barbra Streisand’s Drop-The-Mic Moment

Y’all know we weren’t going to get through this list without honoring the icon, the queen, the legend, Barbra Streisand. Queen Streisand was brought on stage as the only woman to ever win best director at the Golden Globes, and she was not having it. She pointed out that her win was in 1984, and that was *does math* idk, like a really long time ago. She followed up with, “Time’s up, folks,” name dropping the theme of the night. Yaaaaassss. Call *clap emoji* them *clap emoji* out *clap emoji* on *clap emoji* their *clap emoji* bullshit.

Natalie Portman Roasting The Best Director Nominees

TBH, I kind of forgot Natalie Portman existed, but last night she reminded me that she is very much alive and very much a fucking boss. Portman was in charge of presenting the award for best director alongside Ron Howard, and the announcement came at the end of a night that had spent so much time talking about women’s issues. Natalie wasted no time wading through the bullshit and took the mic to say, “And here are the all MALE nominees,” essentially telling Hollywood to sit the fuck down if they’re not actually going to try to bring equality to the industry. Get it, girl. Y’all can wear your cute lil’ pins, but if you continue to ignore women, Natalie Portman is gonna have some words for you.

The Golden Globes: We support women!!!

Natalie Portman:

OPRAH. EVERYTHING OPRAH.

We are not even worthy of the existence of Oprah herself, but we are eternally grateful. She was at the Globes last night to accept the Cecil B. DeMille award and remind us all what perfection looks like in human form. Her speech was everything and if you didn’t cry during it you are a straight up monster, or you just weren’t an entire bottle of wine deep like I was. I won’t waste your time trying to do the speech justice, so here are the last couple lines:

“So I want all the girls watching here, now, to know that a new day is on the horizon! And when that new day finally dawns, it will be because of a lot of magnificent women, many of whom are right here in this room tonight, and some pretty phenomenal men, fighting hard to make sure that they become the leaders who take us to the time when nobody ever has to say “Me too” again.”

Goodbye, I will be crying into my empty wine bottle until Oprah is president.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!