Well, fam, here we are again. The ever-growing tide of sexual harassment allegations claims at least one new famous man every week, and this week it’s Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest is best known for hosting American Idol and helping to build the Kardashian empire, but it turns out he might be kind of a creep.

The allegations of abuse and harassment come from Suzie Hardy, a former E! News stylist who worked with Ryan Seacrest from 2007 to 2013. She says that she was subjected to “years of unwanted sexual aggresssion” from Seacrest, and the details are pretty terrible. She says that he slapped her butt hard enough to leave a mark, grabbed her crotch once, and aggressively flirted with her for years.

There are also other witnesses, with one co-worker saying they saw Seacrest push Hardy’s head into his crotch repeatedly while she was keeling to tie his shoes. That’s obviously awful, but we really need to take a moment to laugh at the fact that Ryan Seacrest does not tie his own shoes. This is a man in his forties worth over a quarter billion dollars, but velcro might be an option he wants to consider!

Suzie Hardy first reported the abuse to her human resources department back in 2013, and she was predictable let go just a few weeks later. Give me a moment while I scream into a pillow. Hardy came forward anonymously with her story last fall, and E! promised to conduct their own investigation into Ryan Seacrest’s conduct. We love investigations that aren’t independent or anything, they’re totally unbiased and impartial!

In an outcome that is truly, monumentally shocking, E! found that there was “insufficient evidence to support the claims against Seacrest.” AHHHHHHHHHHHH. I’m not saying I have personal knowledge about any of these allegations, but it’s painfully predictable that the pretty white man is found innocent while the woman is painted as some lying bitch who’s just mad about losing her job. I’ve seen this movie before, and I did not enjoy it.

An E! spokesperson defended the investigation, saying it was “extremely comprehensive and thorough. Over the course of a two month process, our outside counsel interviewed more than two dozen people regarding the allegations, including multiple separate meetings with the claimant. The investigator is an attorney with nearly 20 years experience and is highly regarded professionally. Any claims that question the legitimacy of this investigation are completely baseless.”

Ryan hasn’t personally said anything about Hardy’s accusations, but his attorney said they’re untrue, and that Suzie just wants to get $15 million out of Ryan. There’s no way to know for sure if the allegations are true, but if they are Ryan is so fucking canceled. He’s pretty busy right now, with his talk show with Kelly Ripa, the Oscars coming up this weekend, and the American Idol reboot (ugh) starting in March. We’d hate for anything to, you know, ruin Ryan’s big fancy career, but like time’s up sweetie.

Images: Giphy (2)

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Ugh, we have to talk about Shaun White. Not only does he look like every rich dude I went to high school with whose hobbies included shredding powder, sending unsolicited dick pics, and believing he was God’s gift to this Earth, Shaun White also apparently acts just like those dudes too. Shocking.

After winning his third gold medal at the Pyeongchang Games on Tuesday, many were ready to celebrate the “return of the king.” That is until White’s sexual harassment lawsuit was brought to light, to which many responded, “ew.”

Lena Zawaideh — the drummer of White’s band “Bad Things” — sued him in 2016 for years of sexual harassment and wrongful termination. Zawaideh alleged that White made sexually explicit comments directed at her, sent her pictures of engorged and enlarged penises, made her watch disturbing videos with extreme sexual content, one time shoved his hands down his pants and then shoved them in her face and made her smell them, groped her butt while leaving practice one day, and even demanded that she cut her hair. There’s a lot to unpack here. For starters, Shaun White was in a band because being a professional snowboarder apparently wasn’t douchey enough for him. Second, Shaun White, of all people, cannot tell anyone they need to cut their hair. His trademark look was literally “Raggedy Ann In Expensive Snow Gear” for years. GTFO here, man. And lastly, wow, ew, ew, ew, Shaun White is a nasty little prick.

See screenshots of his text messages here.

According to the suit, the infuriating text exchange  took place the night before the band’s last show in their 2014 tour. In it, White demands that Zwaideh change her hair, saying it is “disappointing” when she does not agree to change her look for him. Considering how stupid Shaun White’s hair looked for years, this is particularly egregious. Zawaideh stopped hearing from White after that, and was later informed that she had been kicked out of the band without receiving her payments for 2014. So, it seems, Shaun White got all pissy that this woman claimed the rights to her own hair, and then kicked her out of his band. Cool, bro.

The suit has multiple disturbing stories, and claims White became increasingly hostile towards Zawaideh after he failed to win the gold metal at the 2014 Olympics. Because, you know, he’s a giant garbage baby and has to take out his anger about being a sore loser on a woman. Allegedly.

The lawsuit was settled in 2016, but is being talked about now in the wake of the #MeToo movement and White’s Olympic victory. NBC has promoted White as the golden boy of the 2018 games, deeming him “the best of the U.S.” NBC invested a lot in White this year, with his anticipated comeback after he failed to win the gold in 2014. It seems like a poor choice to pick the dude who has a public sexual harassment case to be your poster boy during a cultural movement that is working to take down sexual harassers, but okay. Read the room, NBC.

When White was initially asked about the allegations, he said some dumb shit in typical fuckboy fashion. A reporter asked him if he thought the allegations would “tarnish his legacy, to which White responded, “Honestly, I’m here to talk about the Olympics, not gossip. I am who I am, and I’m proud of who I am, and my friends love me and vouch for me, and I think that stands on its own.” Um…

Reporter: How do you think these serious sexual harassment allegations will affect you?

Shaun White: Honestly, I hate drama. I’m just a no drama kind of guy. Also my friends think I’m chill, so we’re good here.

White eventually apologized for that statement, or at least apologized for calling the allegations gossip. “It was a poor choice of words to describe such a sensitive subject in the world today,” he said during an interview on the Today Show. He then upgraded his apology in a statement to the New York Times and said, “I regret my behavior of many years ago, and am sorry that I made anyone — particularly someone I considered a friend — uncomfortable.” He also claimed that he has since “grown and changed as a person, as we all grow and change, and am proud of who I am today.” Looks like somebody had a long meeting with their publicist.

Any dude who shoves his hands down his pants and then makes you smell them should be cancelled, imo. But I guess we say, “cancelled,” and NBC says, “best of the U.S.” Wake me up when we’ve all finally realized that Adam Rippon is the fucking best of the U.S./Galaxy.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

2018 Oscar Nominations came out this morning, which means you’ve already seen them if you give any kind of a shit (if you don’t but now you’re embarrassed, the list is included here). That being said, most women have not been kept up at night wondering whether Blade Runner 2049 will be nominated for sound editing—we’ve been wondering whether the combined forces of #MeToo and #TimesUp (or “The Weinstein Effect,” as Deadline refers to it) were enough to get Hollywood to start paying attention to the women they’ve overlooked. And while a small, solid gold statue isn’t exactly turning back the clock on inequality, it’s a lovely gesture that every one of us would accept, and a lot better than anything the US Government has offered up as its own sexual assault dirty laundry has been aired. In light of the revelation that Hollywood is a criminal hell pit of highly confident rapists recent events, let’s take a closer look at how the Academy’s nominations played out (specifically, men v. women nominated, duh). 

Overall Nominations: The Numbers

After analyzing every single person specifically (aka excluding Best Picture/Best Foreign Film) given an Oscar nomination this year, I reached the following conclusions: 1) Hollywood names are gender neutral AF (or maybe just men’s names, since every name I Googled to make sure wound up being a man) and 2) there’s been some progress, but this list is still laughably male-oriented. The breakdown: 66 of the nominations handed out were for men/all-male groups, while only 42 nominations were given a group/individual involving even a single woman. On the individual level, it’s even worse—44 women were nominated, compared to 136 men. This means most of the teams nominated had a gender ratio that shouldn’t be seen outside of Bachelorette group dates (aka 12 men to 1 woman), and also means that Hollywood still seems to have a hard time trusting women to make movies all on their own. Sigh.

The Worst Categories

While I’ll never demand that women go into a profession that forces them to sit in a dark room all day for the sake of equality (*cough* Sound Mixing *cough*), I’ll also never err on the side of assuming fewer women are in a certain profession for a lack of interest. Traditionally, institutional misogyny plays more of a role in blocking women from certain roles, so I’ll go ahead and drag the following categories with a clear conscience. For Sound Editing, we have 9 male nominees and 0 women. For Sound Mixing, we have 15 male nominees, and 1 woman (somehow even worse?). For Original Score, we have 5 men and 0 women. For Visual Effects, TWENTY men, and 0 women. And of course, for both Directing and Cinematography, 4 men vs. 1 woman (though at least Greta Gerwig’s Golden Globe snub was reversed, and Rachel Morrison is actually the first female cinematographer to EVER be nominated. Wow).

The Best Categories

And the reverse categories! In Costume Design, we have 3 women nominated and 2 men. In Production Design, we have 5 women nominated and…oh wait, still 5 men. I thought Original Screenplay was one of the better categories too, but turns out that’s 3 women and 4 men. And Animated Feature, where 4/5 nominees included a woman on the team? 4 women, 8 men. Okay, I’ve sensed the pattern and give up. Costume Design is the only category for 2018 where more women are nominated than men. Jesus.

The takeaway here? While it’s very nice of the Academy to take a year off from showering Woody Allen in gold, and take a cue from James Franco’s sexual assault allegations that it was okay not to like The Disaster Artist, there’s still a long way to go in terms of creating a genuinely equal workforce in Hollywood (spoiler: the race breakdown on this list looks even worse). So let’s hope all the badass women who did make this list go on to win, be promoted, and start some female-dominated studios—if for no other reason than the fact that I’d love to see the female version of an Entourage movie in 2020.