Think back to 2009: Jersey Shore was just about to premiere, you could still get away with wearing a Juicy jacket, and it was the year of the Tiger Woods mistress. There were more than a dozen mistresses, each one with a juicy story that was sure to land her an interview with Larry King, or at least on TMZ. Tiger’s hot Swedish wife left his sorry ass, and most of his sponsors got the fuck out of there.
Fast forward eight years, and things for Tiger Woods aren’t great. He’s struggled with injuries in the last few years, and hasn’t played a tournament since 2015.
On Monday morning at about 3am, Tiger was arrested and charged with a DUI. And you thought your hangover was bad. He was released later in the day, but not before his heinous mugshot was plastered across the internet. Seriously, he’s a 41-year-old rich man who looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway but older and more desperate. This goes without saying, but Tiger has some major shit to get together.
Tiger Woods says medication, not alcohol, led to DUI arrest https://t.co/ZPPe8Ermt1 pic.twitter.com/cYiGQsfTmv
— Bloomberg (@business) May 30, 2017
After being released, Tiger released a statement saying that he hadn’t been drinking prior to the arrest, and that he just reacted badly to some prescription medication.
Do we believe that? Probably not, but either way it’s kind of on you to decide whether you’re good to drive. Like, sometimes we take too much Adderall and stay up all night watching TV instead of getting work done, but we can’t just tell our boss that. Handle your shit, Tiger. That’s why Uber was invented.
In our favorite part of the story, Tiger’s girlfriend was apparently shopping at a Neiman Marcus when she heard the news. She had a meltdown in the middle of the store before calming down and buying a casual $5,000 worth of stuff. She’s clearly our kind of girl. Now, sweetie, get the fuck away from this sinking ship while you still can.