Diggy here from season 13 of The Bachelorette and season 4 of Bachelor in Paradise. Betches thought my Twitter commentary on all things Bachelor was fire, so they gave me room for more than 280 characters.

I’m going to try to do my part to recap what was a somewhat anti-climactic Episodes 2 & 3 of Bachelor in Paradise. If you don’t like spoilers, please read anyway, as we need as many eyes on this as possible.

Episode 2 kicks off with Colton returning from his date with Tia, and he’s immediately cornered by Goose (Chris) and the rest of the Rat pack (which consists of Jordan and Nick), and they demand to know what his intentions are here in Paradise. From afar, it looks like they’re filming a fight scene from a late 90’s musical where no one gets touched and they only snap fingers, but they do get down to business eventually. Colton hints at still being in love with Becca, which Chris responds with: “Then why are you here??” In less than a few words Colton pretty much says: “I’ll be damned if I miss out on these airline miles.” Plus, Tia’s here.

The next morning, the smartest guy on the beach, Venmo John, “finds” a date card, and Kenny is now the lucky person that gets to get off the island.  With his newfound popularity, Kenny talks to Bibiana, Nysha, Chelsea, and Krystal, and he decides to take the newly hobbled Krystal on the date (she somehow managed to hurt her foot on a rock on the beach, which I can personally attest is 99% sand). Kenny’s date is a wrestling date (if you didn’t see that coming, LASIK is for you) where he and Krystal get to enjoy a real life Nacho Libre, minus the tortilla chips. A few kisses happen, but mostly just perspiration from Kenny.

Back on the beach, Jordan makes “dinner plans” for Annaliese. Notably missing from said dinner: plates, utensils, and food. Anyway, it’s the thought that counts…but she’s still hungry. Kevin, who was trying to start something with Krystal, starts looking at Astrid like he wants to crawl all over her, but it’s actually a lizard that beats him to the punch instead. He takes her to beach and their lips lock and he throws away the key. BUH BYE, KRYSTAL.

Pause here, because, YUKI’S BACK!!! She was a star on Winter Games for her personality and lack of English. That 2 week stint in our hearts has now qualified her to pour shots (which she has never done) in another country, which just proves to us that she’s just trying to fill up her passport.

Cocktail Party time, meaning two guys are going home. Awkward convos happen, Hail Mary’s are thrown, but ultimately it’s the Tia and Colton show… again. Tia grabs Colton to chat, and she pretty much tells him that everyone is saying Colton is an immature 6^th grader (which for the record, is not true, he’s a lot older than that). Colton tells her that he wants to see what’s out there, and that she should do what makes him happy, because then she’d be happy. Well, whatever the hell that means. Chris then picks up the pieces by spitting hot fire and saying he’s here for Tia and nothing else (remember I said this).

Rose ceremony shakes out as such: Krystal to Kenny, Astrid to Kevin, Tia to Chris, Kendall to Joe, Nysha to Eric, and Angela to John. At this point, we just knew Colton was going home, but Bibiana (*cough cough* producers) decide to give Colton a rose so he can “have the chance to find love.” Those keeping score at home, yes we lost fly-ass Wills and Nick just so we can have more of the Tia/Colton saga.

If you thought you were going to have a full week without our most recent Bachelorette, Becca, you were wrong. In the beginning of episode 3, she shows up the next day, like that trust fund friend with nothing better to do. Becca talks to Tia, and by doing so, haunts Colton in the process.I’m not sure if the producers hate Colton or not, but god is he easy to make fun of. Colton starts crying on a rock smaller than him, and Becca essentially consoles him back to health. Boom, now he has closure, and can be the savage Colton that America has come to know and love.

In what we have to imagine is AMAZING editing, Annaliese continually states how much she’s into Jordan, and then boom—Jenna walks in and leaves Jordan as speechless as we’ve ever seen him. (It must be noted: Her outfit is pink, in addition to her hair, which makes me hope she sticks around so I can see if her hair will always match her outfits.) Jenna takes Jordan on the date, and this dude is GIDDY. They ride horses and make out on the beach (and everywhere else). Also present on this date: a black box that covers Jenna’s butt the entire time. Essentially this date was just taking turns breathing for each other. Jordan comes back to the beach and pretty much tells Annaliese “good luck” and gives her two fingers. David tries to ruffle a few feathers by celebrating Jenna’s birthday with her alone, and Jordan sits there like a chaperone, ensuring that there is no physical contact.

Caroline (Arie’s season) shows up super nervous and literally is speaking a mile a minute. (Someone KISS her already so she can stop talking, PLEASE.) She takes John on the date, who is polar opposite of her normal type of guy. This date REEKED of a friendship, but somehow Caroline is into it. They drink, they dance, a kiss happens, Paradise wins again. Jubilee shows up the next morning, asks John on a date (literally asking him while he’s snuggling with Caroline…SAVAGE) and he says yes. Ziplining and nerdy convo, once again, this date is heading to the platonic section.

Kenny decides to make a night beach date for Krystal, but Krystal pretty much tells him to check your brakes, and then pump them. He pretty much got friend zoned when males have the power…BALLSY move, Krystal. Fast forward to 5 minutes later when she’s making out with Chris (yes, Tia’s Chris) on the daybed. Colton finds out, and runs faster than he did as a football player to tell Tia that Chris kissed Krystal. While chatting to Jordan about how he has everything in the bag, Tia confronts Chris in a fashion that has me ANXIOUS for next week!

Images: Giphy (2)

After a *Chris Harrison voice* dramatic fourth season of Bachelor in Paradise, it’s pretty hard to get hot and bothered for Bachelor in Paradise season 5. The cast is full of randoms, and it’s pretty east to predict who’s going to be dramatic and generally awful—I’m looking at you, Jordan and Krystal. Still, I’m a Bachelor addict and will watch anything these producers fart out for ratings (except The Proposal, that show is dumb af). Now that the first trailer for Bachelor in Paradise season 5 has been released, though, I have some thoughts and renewed hope that this season won’t be total dumpster fire or a snooze fest like The Bachelor: Winter Games.

The Bachelor in Paradise season 5 trailer opens on a denim cut-off clad Tia fawning over the beauty of what is surely a herpes-laden Mexican resort. Tia could definitely fall in love there. I mean, her Southern twin, Raven, found her prince charming on this same beach, so why can’t Tia? They’re basically the same person. Of course, we don’t see Colton in this promo because he literally just got kicked off The Bachelorette for being a virgin who can’t drive. Never fear. I have a feeling he’ll show up late in the season.

I’m betting the whole first half of the season will be dudes trying to dry hump Tia on that weird beach canopy bed thing while she pines over Colton. She’ll totally go on a date with the first guy to get a rose, but he’ll walk away from that beach picnic with the bluest of balls when Tia tells him her heart belongs to someone who maybe isn’t even coming.

The teaser gives us a glimpse into who gets the most camera time this season. We get Bibiana crying like a second-rate Ashley I. We also see guys from Becca’s season who were gone too soon like Wills, Joe the Grocer, John the Asian guy who’s probably secretly really rich, and then other Becca rejects like David aka the chicken.

Do David and Jordan have unfinished business? Of course they do. Prepare to see them go after the same girl at least once. The video shows Jordan at a table overlooking the ocean with Annaliese from Arie’s season. I’m pretty sure she’s either on the date because either no one else wanted to listen to Jordan talk about himself for four hours or because David hinted at liking her. Whichever reason, I already feel super bad for her. I’m cringing at the thought of her enduring the sight of Jordan’s in his gold Speedo. I’m sure we will add gold Speedos to the list of experiences that have traumatized Annaliese.

There are some hints in the preview that make me genuinely excited to watch the show. Most of the women they picked, sans Krystal, are actually likable and probably deserve love. Eric and Kenny from Rachel’s season are back, which is the closest Eric is going to ever get to being the Bachelor, so I’m stoked for him. Plus, I’ve been wanting Kenny to find a decent step-mom for his daughter. And Wells is back. Yes, he’s just the bartender again and probably won’t make out with one of the contestants like last season, but the Wells puppet comedy is pure gold and we need more of it.

No matter what happens this season, there’s bound to be drama, at least one person’s eyelash extensions slowly falling out episode by episode, and a tangled mess of hair extensions. Bachelor in Paradise season 5 premieres Tuesday, August 7, and with the Tickle Monster on the loose, let’s just say people are bound to find some sand in unfortunate places.

Watch the entire Bachelor in Paradise season 5 trailer below.

Images: Giphy (3); Bachelor Nation on ABC / Youtube

Well friends, it’s finally summer. And you know what that means—it’s time to go to a Mexican resort, get blackout drunk, and hook up with people who may or may not have a criminal record. Oh, wait! That’s what they’ll be doing on Bachelor in Paradise. I’ll be watching from my couch alone in an old *NSYNC T-shirt. At least I have air conditioning! That’s right folks, ABC has officially announced that everyone’s favorite cautionary tale spin-off will return on Tuesday, August 7, with a 2-hour premiere episode. That’s 120 minutes of watching women desperately try to will their eyelash extensions to stay put in 2000% humidity. How did we get so blessed?!

ABC hasn’t announced the cast yet, but it usually includes losers from the most recent Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, so expect to see Arie castoffs including Tia, Kendall, Bekah, Caroline, Krystal, etc. Anyone that at least made a minor splash on the show and even the ones who didn’t will probably show up because hey! ABC’s standards for contestants these days are about as high as my standards for a man (and tbh I just require them to be breathing). We’ll also get a bunch of Becca’s guys, or at least as many as they can spring from jail for a 2-week furlough. Chris Harrison basically confirmed on Twitter that fan favorite Grocery Joe will be there, and I’m sure we will get The Pensive Gentleman™, Colton, and a few others.

The best thing about Bachelor in Paradise, other than the fact that it’s not me making a fool of myself on national TV, is trying to figure out who is going to couple up. Or, in Ashley and Jared’s case, who is going to threaten to drown a fellow contestant in her never-ending ocean of tears until the other contestant’s fear is so strong that he proposes. There’s not one right way to have a relationship, people. So, I’ve put on my thinking hat and come up with a few predicted couples for this season. Full disclosure: this is based on nothing but my intuition that has steered me completely wrong for the last few decades, so if any of these are right, I’ll be expecting a prize. Shall we get started?

Tia & Colton

So this one’s kind of obvious, but since I’m sure the rest of my predictions will be wrong, LET ME HAVE THIS. Obviously, Colton is still on Becca’s season, but we all know she’s keeping him around for his looks. I don’t care how many seasons the dude’s spent warming the benches in the NFL, there’s no way the Bachelorette is picking him if he slid into her friend’s DMs months ago. Rest assured he will be on Bachelor in Paradise. Human shit stirrer herself, Bekah M, basically confirmed this would be happening on Twitter last week, and as much as I think she usually is grasping at straws to stay relevant, we all know she’s right about this happening. I mean, even my grandma could see this coming a mile away and she can’t even find her glasses. Expect this relationship to get a lot of airtime, and maybe Colton will even lose his virginity to a woman whose first sentence uttered on national television involved the word “weiner.”

Kendall & Grocery Joe

I’m hoping that Kendall and Joe will be the couple to watch in Paradise this year. They are both attractive in a normal way: Kendall doesn’t look like she was made in a Mattel factory and is hiding an on-switch under her left foot, and Joe is not a man with a blowout and spray tan. Snaps for Kendall and Joe. They also both appreciate animals, even if it is in a different way. I imagine a lovely night in for them as a couple would be Kendall killing, skinning, and stuffing a chicken while Joe makes the meat into a delicious pot pie. What a lovely little life.

Meet the newest addition to my taxidermy collection Poppy! She is a ram mount found at Long Beach Flea-market and is such a beauty ????✨ And my hair matches her too ???? Tried crimping for the first time!! Plus @amandarileyhairstylist brightened me up with blonde for the summer ✨???? #hairtwins #taxidermy

A post shared by Kendall Long ???????? (@keykendall88) on May 16, 2018 at 11:26am PDT

Krystal & Jordan

Krystal and Jordan are a match made in reality TV heaven. Or hell, depending on who you’re asking. Krystal is the woman who got mad when Arie invited extra women on their group date, claiming it was unfair. She clearly wanted the attention on her, and Jordan is certainly never going to ignore her for other women. He only has eyes for himself! They also are both in professions that focus a lot on physical appearance, so they can spend their time together looking in mirrors and drinking green juice. Let’s just hope Jordan doesn’t have a needle dick, am I right Krystal?

Bekah & Clay

Bekah wants to be famous, that much is clear. She stirs shit up for no reason cough *Twitter feud with Raven* cough, puts her famous ex on blast, and lets her mom think she was kidnapped just so she could smoke some weed. You’re nobody until you’re a missing person. Clay was the genuine and sweet football player that got injured in episode 3 playing football with male models and sales reps. Bless his heart. I feel like he’d be easily manipulated by The Bachelor’s very own manic pixie dream girl, and he’s her perfect mark since his profession already gives him a level of fame. Expect to see her rip his heart out with her bare hands and serve it to him for dinner.

dm’ing your ex on twitter is a great look too, no? ????☕️ #teampetty #teambecca

A post shared by BEKAH MARTINEZ (@whats_ur_sign) on Mar 5, 2018 at 8:50pm PST

And of course, Caroline will end up alone with her self-righteousness. As will I. Let me know if I missed any dream couples!

Images: Giphy (3); @keykendall88/Instagram; @whats_ur_sign/Instagram

The annoying thing about dating advice, generally speaking, is that it tends to be 100% based on other peoples’ opinions. And if you’ve ever engaged in polite conversation, you’ll know that most peoples’ opinions fucking suck. I’ve read countless times that showing up late and mentioning horoscopes is a guaranteed dealbreaker, but my Scorpio boyfriend (tragic, I know) was kind enough to overlook all that, and we’ve been thriving ever since. So, I’m not here to give advice on dating specifically, an activity at which everyone unabashedly sucks. Instead, I’m here to make sure you actually make it to the point where you can decide whether or not you want a second date, rather than taking yourself out of the running with a too-soon friend request or some other amateur bullshit. Here are three ways you’re scaring guys off before you get a chance to reject them yourself. Take notes.

Overusing Social Media

Social media is tricky. You need a distraction from the all-consuming task of not triple-texting, so you decide to post an Instagram story that happens to highlight your breasts and/or totally raging social life. And which you then go on to update every 30 minutes. Totally harmless right? Wrong. If triple-texting is unattractive because it looks like you’re too into him, non-stop social media is unattractive because it looks like you’re way too into your phone/yourself. (Which like, you are, but let him find that out on his own.)

Social media stories typically fall into two acceptable categories. If they’re actually interesting/entertaining (what the kids refer to as “quality content”), post away. Keep in mind that this typically requires you having an interesting job or life, such as interacting with celebrities. Just my two cents. If your stories fall more into the “day in the life but my hair looks good” category, you’re going to really want to limit it to the highlights. ONE selfie er day. ONE meal pic every three days, and the sunlight better be hitting your avocado toast JUST right. You get the idea.

Guys watching a story you updated every two minutes aren’t admiring your fun, cool life. They’re picturing you standing in the middle of that scene with your eyeballs glued to your phone. More importantly, they’re picturing dating you as an unpaid photographer gig with a side of watching you scroll through filters. (Again, this is accurate, but it’s also a reality that men need to be phased into slowly. If they’re aware of what’s happening before it’s too late to stop it, you’re doing it wrong.)

You’re not Kim K. You can’t get away with this.

Planning Out Every Last Detail

On average, it takes me and my boyfriend maybe 60 texts to nail down a dinner date. I reject the first 15 restaurant suggestions, he suggests between seven and 12 different meeting points, I get preemptively snarky about his outfit, and the fun rolls on. Fine and good when you’ve tricked someone into you’re in a committed relationship. Early on, though, anything above a single-digit number of texts to make a plan is going to be off-putting. This includes everything from the first “when should we get together” text to when you’re actually, physically speaking. Which means you should leave room for one “I’m here” text when you arrive, and should absolutely not be texting “do you want me to get a table or meet at the bar? LMK!” once you do arrive.

Texting back and forth over every detail makes you seem like you can’t make a decision without outside input, and runs the risk of exhausting him so much that the idea of meeting you in person no longer seems fun. This includes texts moving around the meet-up time, suggesting more than two locations (or including more than a five-word description of either one), or in any way reiterating the plans you’ve literally just made. (The boy can both scroll up and read, right? If not, get higher standards.) If you’re taking the initiative to make the plan, actually make the plan. And if he’s taking charge, either agree to something quickly or decide his suggestions all suck and just cancel altogether. Anything else will just breed irritation when your name pops up on their phone.

Your crush if you don’t ease TF up:

Taking The “Cool Girl” Thing Too Literally

Congratulations, you are a grown-ass woman. Everything in your life falls perfectly into place, seemingly without effort. You don’t need this man’s validation, and you won’t be crushed if this date doesn’t go well. You’re down for anything that comes up, but you’re just as down to walk away. You are the perfect embodiment of everything men are supposed to want women to be. Well—SURPRISE, BITCH! This is 2018, and perfect is no longer good enough. While I maintain that the above is a great attitude to hold internally, there are two glaring issues. One, this is true for exactly no one; you likely try very hard for everything you’ve achieved, and care at least a little, and hiding that is dumb. Two, it leaves very little room for you to make a meaningful connection. If someone’s going to get to know you, you have to show some vulnerability.

That means you can’t just be “fine with whatever” when it comes to spending the night, going out again, or picking your first vacation spot. You have to be honest about what you want, even if that means maybe not getting it. While being the Cool Girl might keep a guy interested in chasing you for a decently long time, maintaining the Cool Girl virtually guarantees that he’ll never be actually interested in dating you. In fact, he has no idea who the fuck you are beyond a girl who answers his texts less quickly than his other matches, and is therefore intriguing. Somewhere, some bitch who probably has an adorable Southern accent will outplay you by answering his texts just as slowly but then confessing that she’s getting attached on date three with a giggle that makes him feel like a Big Special Man. It’s all about balance.

This is where being a Cool Girl gets you. Covered in blood and hugging Ben “I specialize in on- and off-screen adultery” Affleck. Don’t be the Cool Girl, ladies!

Once you’re on the actual date, everyone has a million highly specific preferences for what person they want you to be. (You do too, don’t lie.) But with these tips, you’ll hopefully at least make it on the date before you fuck it up. Good luck out there!

Images: Giphy (3)

Catch up on this week’s Bachelor recap here!

Watching The Bachelor, especially a season premiere, is basically an exercise in competitive judging—and this week was no exception. While I learned relatively little about human yawn Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr., other than the fact he likes underage women drives race cars, I learned a whole lot by judging the shit out of every woman’s hometown video, outfit, and general demeanor. While the contestants may have bigger boobs and smaller vocabularies than the people you hang out with, every girl you love to hate on this show is definitely a KIND of girl you know in real life. Here’s a rundown of the types of people in your friend group, as represented by Bachelor contestants.

Chelsea: The “Work Hard Play Hard” Friend

Chelsea is the friend you always kind of wish you could cut out of your life, but you know your life would be much more sedentary if she weren’t around to drag your ass to SoulCycle or bully you into dancing on yet another table. Somehow, “chill nights in” never seem to happen to this person: she’s always working, working out, or pounding shots, and she does all three with the same super intense vibe of someone who’s GETTING SHIT DONE. She’s kind of inspirational but honestly exhausting.

Maquel: The Flirty Friend

You would be more jealous of this friend for her endless confidence, but her ability to do just about anything without getting embarrassed is way too fun to give up. Even though you silently judge at least 50% of her choices, she’s super fun to go out with because she gives no fucks and her primary goal in life is to have a good time.

Tia: The Shy Friend

Tia is sweet, but Tia is tragic. Her jokes are both unfunny and overly sexual, and she seems like someone who’s spent her whole life trying to break out of crushes on guys who think of her as a baby sister. She laughs a little too hard at everyone’s jokes and has never approached a guy in her life, but she’d hold your hair back and call you an Uber with the least bitching out of all your friends, so it’s a toss-up.

Bekah M.: The Hipster Half-Friend

Bekah M. is often insufferable, but too much of a threat to be ignored. For whatever reason, she’s not satisfied with just being hot and needs to also pose as some variation of an artist/intellectual/Great Explorer of Life who’s way too cool for the “petty drama” of you being pissed when she’s consistently four hours late. Bekah M. is the most likely of your friends to pretend to smoke weed, or say she “doesn’t play games” with guys, while being a literal psychopath. Since she’s both unreliable and insufferably faux-earnest, it’s kind of hard to be too close to Bekah—but you became friends because she’s ultimately a cool girl who’s just way too into herself (aren’t we all).

Bibiana: The Wild Card

Bibiana is the kind of girl who “falls in love” at least once a week and seems totally naïve, but also has a dark side. She comes off as being totally open and friendly (she just has a lot of feelings!) but she’s also confident AF and would probably beat someone up for you. Basically, she may seem a little bubbly/vulnerable, but you definitely shouldn’t mess with Bibiana.

All done? Good. Pick the one most like your BFF and spend the rest of this season mocking her for all the dumb shit her doppelgänger does—preferably from six inches away over wine, as ABC God intended.

Did you know we have a podcast dedicated to all things The Bachelor? Listen to The Betchelor Podcast here!