Guys. Tia is driving me insane. I actually really liked her on Arie’s sh*tstorm of a season, and I was looking forward to her being the Bachelorette over boring Becca. She was hot, assertive, confident, and interesting. Becca shopped at Windsor’s prom section and I can’t remember anything about her besides being from Minnesota. Like, that is her entire brand.
But then, Tia went to Becca about her feelings for Colton. This was strike one because all I could think was… honey. If Colton liked you, he wouldn’t have continued on The Bachelorette once he realized it was not you. You guys would have just dated IRL. But hey, maybe he was bound by a contract, so I let it slide.
But then we get to Paradise.
Tia has pretty consistently gone on a rampage every episode about how much she likes Colton. Again, Tia, let’s think about this logically. If he liked you, he could have contacted you after Becca cut him. He did not. What does that tell us, class?
Tia obsesses over Colton before he’s even there. Then she goes on one date with him and pretends they’re getting married. Like Tia, why did you even go on this show where you meet a bunch of guys? You literally could just date Colton at home. Oh wait, except he did not contact you. Someone get this girl a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You, please. Then she basically threatens Colton that if he does not love her, she will not give him a rose, and then he will be banished from Paradise forever. Yeah, T, forcing people to be your boyfriend really is the way to go.
Yes, yes you are.
This just makes me absolutely furious because it’s obviously the worst way to go. 1) It’s anti-feminist. Have some pride, woman. 2) The correct way to handle this is so easy. All she had to do was arrive at Paradise, beautiful and carefree, not say the C-word at all (Colton, not c*nt, obviously), and get to know some of the guys. Then when Colton arrived, she should have politely said hi, then continued to enjoy her life with a frozen marg by the pool.
She’d probably be surrounded by guys vying for her had she not acted like Colton’s own Yolanda Saldívar, which would be perfect. Then when he asked her on the date, she should have thought about it first. Then gone and had a great time. And then came back and stopped f*cking talking about it and continued to talk to other guys. It’s so simple. He is not your boyfriend. And should he have expressed any disinterest, she should have let it go.
TL;DR: Tia, just live your life like a normal person and go on one date and stop acting like you have tunnel vision. SO EASY.
Of course, she did the exact opposite of this. Colton runs screaming for the hills, so Tia immediately starts scrapbooking her dream wedding with Eddie the crazy roommate from Friends Chris’s face pasted on top of Colton’s. Chris knows he’s just the back burner bro, which doesn’t make anyone feel good, so he jumps ship ASAP for Krystal and her sexy baby voice.
Tia, who obviously cannot read the room at all, tells everyone that she and Chris are now in love. Tia. Honey. You don’t need to tell people sh*t like that if it’s true. They will just see it. You don’t need to force this kind of thing. Of course, Colton trying to be The Good Guy, aka, The I-Don’t-Know-If-I’ll-Need-To-Use-Her-For-A-Rose-Later Guy, tells Tia all about Chris’s indiscretions. Which he knows about because Chris has such little respect for Tia, he is announcing it to everyone. Tia. A man who wears tragic bandannas is running from you. For the love of God, get it together, woman.
Amazingly, Tia is not done here. She tells Chris she wants to date him anyway, and he was basically like, “yeah, hard pass,” and now he and Krystal are a thing. This is when Tia decides to be like “JUST KIDDING GUYS! It was Colton all along! I knew we’d be in love!” How do the producers film this with a straight face? I would have reached out and slapped her. But then. Guess what? It gets worse.
Tia throws such a tantrum at the prospect of Colton going out with human basset hound, Jacqueline, that he feels forced to tell Jacqueline and her sad eyes that he can’t. Let’s note here, Tia, that Jacqueline understood he was not interested and maturely handled it and walked away with dignity. She did not follow him around and tell producers they are getting married. Do you see? Then Colton comes to a realization: Tia is not going to let this go, so he either has to leave Paradise entirely, or he can stay, let her hang out with him for a couple weeks, and enjoy a free vacation. So when Tia does it it’s called determination and when I do it, it’s emotional blackmail? SMH, what a double standard.
Literally Colton: Like, I guess it’s fine if you follow me around, but mostly I want to stay in Paradise without you making it horrible.
Tia: OH MY GOD, WE’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP!
Thankfully, Raven comes in to slap some harsh sense into Tia’s face. Raven is totally on point with Colton’s fame-hungry interest, but also, this should no longer be an issue, because I can assure you that Tia has ruined any previous chance of ever being the Bachelorette. If wanted a Bachelorette that had zero awareness, we would have had the Queen of Naps and Cheese Pasta Corinne. It seems like Tia understood what Raven told her. I mean, I think so. She was crying so hard it was very reminiscent of another resident psycho who cried and needled a man until he gave in.
True love, guys.
Anyway. Tia goes from “oh you’re right, he seems like he’s not interested, but maybe he’ll change, I’ll talk to him about it” to “WE’RE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND!” before Raven has even finished her cocktail. Ugh. Tia is so overjoyed by Colton vaguely tolerating her it makes me sick. Find your self-respect, woman. If you hadn’t chained yourself to the Colton Express, you could easily have found someone who actually likes you.
Colton: Okay fine I’ll call you my girlfriend, we’re only here for a couple weeks, and hopefully it’ll make you stop talking.
Tia: WE’RE GETTING ENGAGED!
I wish Tia could read this before next week’s episode, but sadly, this was filmed long ago. Let’s hope she finds her balls and tells Colton to GTFO, and then has some frozen margs by the pool with her friends. But I guarantee she will continue her role as Colton’s Fan Club President and embarrass womankind for all of us. Since it’s too late for Tia, at least on national television, let’s all use this embarrassing situation as a learning experience. You don’t want to be this girl. The correct answer is always margaritas.
Images: Giphy (6)
Tonight on Bachelor in Paradise, Jenna wakes up the morning after the rose ceremony with the realization that Jordan will do anything for an infinitesimal amount of fame, including murdering a stuffed animal on national television. I was assuming she had working eyes and ears like the rest of us and would have figured that out the second Jordan breathed in her direction but, alas, I assumed too much. She’s like “I still like Jordan but if anyone with a penis walks through that door I will be trying to go on a date with them.” Fair.
Omgggg Kendall and Joe are so freaking cute. I can’t. All I have to say is if she breaks his heart I will lead the angry mob that wants to mount her head on a wall like she did her family cat.
Leo is the first new guy to walk into Paradise and his hair is doing far better in this humidity than I thought it would. Meanwhile, every single girl on that island immediately orgasms at the sight of his man bun.
Jenna is like “my first impression of Leo is that he’s got confidence.” I’m sure that’s exactly what the director of his first porno said about him too.
Okay, I do NOT like the way Kendall is looking at him from across the room rn. He starts interviewing all of the blondes first because apparently that’s his type. I’m sure Becca feels real good watching this at home.
Leo asks Kendall on the date and SHE SAYS YES. KENDALL. WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU THINKING. Whatever. Honestly Kendall, if you’re gonna look elsewhere besides Joe then YOU DON’T DESERVE HIM. Also, Joe, you can call me.
KENDALL: So are you okay with this?
JOE: Sure. But I hope it rains and you have a terrible time.
Considering those are literally the exact words I used when my roommate told me she couldn’t come to brunch with me because she had a “family thing”, I think he handled that pretty well.
Y’ALL JORGES TORGES IS BACK. F*ck Arie and Amanda Stanton making a cameo, Jorge is the real star of this show. Also, does this mean his Mexican tour guides business didn’t work out for him then? Shame.
Wait. Jorge writes romance novels now? You’re telling me that while I’ve been over here pitching think pieces on if Tia got a boob job or not this guy became a published author? That’s what you’re telling me rn?
They bring out some old Bachelor rejects to reenact the plot from Jorge’s book and it’s more painful to watch then the YouTube videos I made with my best friend in 7th grade where we pretended to be members of the band B*Witched.
I will begrudgingly say that this date at least had some thought put into it. Bravo, ABC. Leo and Kendall have to shoot a romance cover for Jorge’s book. Jorge has them in all these compromising positions and it’s like, Jorge, I thought you were on my side? JOE DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS, JORGE. They start making out and there’s limbs and hair everywhere. I want to stop watching but it’s like I can’t look away from this gyrating mass of hair.
Kendall and Leo finally take a break from dry humping against the nearest palm tree to come back to the beach and flaunt their sexual chemistry in front of Joe.
JOE: Why are you in a robe?
ISN’T THAT THE QUESTION, JOE.
God, I can’t believe Kendall is trying to back burner GROCERY STORE JOE after spending three hours with a man who bases his entire aesthetic on an 80s teenage girl’s calendar. I guess it’s true what they say: you can lead a horse to water but you can’t force the horse to realize she’s making a big f*cking mistake with Fabio.
Kendall starts crying in the confessional booth. She’s like “I didn’t realize it would be sooo hard to choose between two attractive men who are into me. Why me??”
ME LISTENING TO KENDALL RN:
Cut to Leo, who’s reduced Chelsea, A SINGLE MOTHER, to suggestively licking her lips over a warm glass of Titos. Seriously, ladies, what is going on here? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
LEO: Do you like piña coladas? And getting lost in the rain?
CHELSEA: God, take me now.
They start making out in the hot tub and I am PRAYING Kendall walks in on this. Though something tells me walking in on her man making out with someone else might actually turn that crazy b*tch on.
Cut to the next morning and Joe is already heavily drinking. Respect. He has to watch Kendall and Leo nuzzle noses from across the room, and I don’t blame him for not wanting to be sober for that. I’m not even sober for that. *sips wine*
Leo is like “I know we’re gonna have a story together.” Yeah and I bet that story will be “How I Got An STD in Paradise.” Good luck with that, Kendall!
Because the producers want me fly to LA and set fire to ABC studios, they give the next date card to Colton instead of Joe. Unless the two of them get murdered while out pretending to buy authentic Mexican souvenirs, then I don’t want to see this date.
Colton asks Tia on the date, because I can only assume production is holding his family hostage somewhere until he breaks down and says Tia is his girlfriend. I’m also using the term “date” loosely here because really they’re just wandering aimlessly in a Mexican tourist trap.
Raven and Adam from last season’s Bachelor in Paradise suddenly show up during this weird game of musical chairs taking place in the town square. Tia is practically foaming at the mouth to brag to Raven about some guy who told her “I guess I want to see where things go with you.” Naturally, Raven looks piiisseddd.
Yoooo Raven is being so real with Tia right now and it’s long overdue. She’s like “I just don’t think he likes you though?” THANK YOU, RAVEN. Where were you last week when she was crying by a sand dune in the fetal position?
RAVEN: If he hurts you I will cut his penis off and then he’ll never be able to lose his virginity.
Ah, Raven. You’ve been missed.
Here we go again. It’s the Tia and Colton show. After Tia talks with Raven she immediately pulls Colton aside to lock sh*t down. Lest he have five minutes alone with his thoughts to remember he isn’t that into her and doesn’t actually want to be there.
TIA: Raven thinks you don’t really like me?
OMG Tia you are not getting engaged at the end of this! Just because you managed to blackmail Colton into asking you to be his girlfriend does not mean you’ll get a ring. If that were true then I would be engaged rn and certainly not entertaining the idea of going on a second date with a guy who tries to start a text conversation with me by saying “‘sup”.
I guess Jenna’s box dye job finally washed out because suddenly she’s a blonde? And did it happen before or after Leo said he was into blondes?
Benoit shows up to Paradise next and immediately captures Jenna’s attention. Which is saying something, because that girl has the attention span of a cat with a laser wand.
BENOIT: Jenna, I like your vibe. I like your energy.
That would be the cocaine, Benny.
Benoit asks Jenna on the date and I’m scared to see what Jordan throws into the ocean next. Perhaps that tropical three-piece suit. A girl can dream.
Okay, Jenna looks amazing so you know she didn’t come to play. For their date they go to the Mexican equivalent of a Denny’s. I guess the spent their entire budget on that photo shoot, huh? How romantic.
Okay, WHAT are these two talking about rn? Jenna’s like “can you go deep though?” and Benoit is like, “Oh I can go deep.”
Meanwhile, back at the beach, Jordan is slowly losing his sh*t. He starts drawing something in the sand and 10 bucks says it’s a crude rendering of his penis.
Jenna gets back from the date and she. is. smitten. She’s like “Benoit is saying all the right things, everything I want to hear.” It’s crazy how the producers make that happen, isn’t it?
Lol, okay so Jordan wasn’t drawing nudes, just a giant “I’m sorry” written in the sand. I put more effort into my grocery lists then he has with this apology, so she better not fall for it.
JENNA: Jordan is being super vulnerable and I’m confused.
SAME GIRL. I am confused as to why you think this is a genuine display of human emotion?
And on that note, I’m outtie, betches. We’ll have to wait until next week to see which loser Jenna chooses to “trust with her heart.” Should be riveting.
IMAGES: Giphy (4); @thebacheloretteabc, @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1); ABC (1)
Your boy Diggy is back with his lukewarm takes about your favorite summer show, Bachelor in Paradise. If you prefer hot takes, just put this article in the microwave for 30-35 seconds. Let’s recap the Monday and Tuesday that was BIP.
Monday’s episode kicks off with our favorite couple, Tia and Colton, but now Chris hopped in the bed and said, “Scoot over, I want in!” Tia calls Chris out for kissing Krystal last night, and Chris doesn’t deny it. But he pretty much tells Tia:,“Yea, but let’s not let my other girlfriend mess up what WE have, baby.” (*other girlfriend, Krystal, enters stage left*) Krystal proceeds to sit Indian style in front of Chris and Tia like this is Woodstock 1968 as they hash it out. (I’d like to point out that Krystal is drinking a margarita while eating a breakfast burrito.) Chris continues to try to backpedal, while Tia proves that she’s good at math and subtracts herself from the equation. Krystal is sad and broken (and I’d like to point out that she’s now on voice #7 of Paradise) but counselor Bibiana puts her back together again.
We get our first arrival of the day, Jacqueline. I know what you’re thinking, WHO DAT? She’s from Arie’s season and pretty much looks like Daria from MTV if she was actually cool. She comes in, and surprise surprise, she wants Colton. (Are virgins the new thing now?? What am I doing wrong??) Jacqueline asks Colton on a date and he says, “I think you’re great and all…but if I leave here with another girl, Tia is going to cut my nuts off. I mean I know I’m not actively using them, but I’d still love to have them.”
Jacqueline takes the rejection pretty well, and doesn’t even blush in embarrassment. (Believe me, we’d know if she did, because she has the complexion of a tan ghost.) While all this is happening, Tia is having a breakdown as she just knows that Colton is going on this date. But like a parent with their 2-year-old on a leash, he ain’t going NOWHERE. Jacqueline randomly slides up next to Kenny (as Annaliese prepares to pounce on him) and asks him on a date. Annaliese begins to tailspin, as she wants love BADLY. At this point, her standards match mine in kindergarten. I was just looking for a girl that would get me an apple juice and lay next to me during nap time.
Jacqueline and Kenny’s date was as uninspired as you might think it’d be. The conversation resembled one you’d have with a stranger while you’re waiting for the barista to draw the heart in your macchiato. Sparks did fly, but only because they were in the form of fireworks in the sky. Back in Paradise, Annaliese is waiting up for Kenny like my mom did when she found that condom in my backpack. (They gave them out in health class. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.) Annaliese makes Kenny some sort of pink sorbet to show her affection, but what she’s really showing is that her cooking skills leave much to be desired.
The awkwardness of Caroline continues, and it’s almost hard to watch. Jubilee continues to see what she wants in John and goes after it, while Caroline just sulks in the bleachers. Caroline finally takes John into the water and tells him: “I thought about you today,” and he replies with the same comment. At this point, I was praying for a commercial just so the awkwardness would end, but she does save the convo by stealing a kiss.
The next evening Colton tells Tia: “I’m here for you, and only you.” I cannot confirm nor deny that the producers had a gun to his back to make him say it, but hey, I knew it was coming, you knew it was coming, hell, Helen Keller knew it was coming. Boom, “Tolton” is now a thing.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!! Outfits are normal except Jordan’s, which resembles something Wilma Flinstone would wear. I love that he wore this, as it takes away from the IHOP kid’s menu that’s been wrapped around Chris’ head all of paradise. Guys have the power this week, so girls with no roses on lock are scrambling. Bibiana tries to get her some Kenny, but Annaliese literally put up a fight during her and Kenny’s wrestling match. Caroline and Jubilee try to fight over playboy John, and I think there are several moments where he has to remind himself, “I’m an Engineer…life won’t always be like this.” David gives Jenna a huge stuffed dog and Jordan proves that not all dogs go to heaven, as he tossed it in the ocean. Jordan gets irritated, curses at girls in the process, and realizes having 13 girls mad at you is the last thing you want when you’re going to need to borrow some of their hair care products, so he later apologizes.
Rose ceremony shakes out as such: Jordan to Jenna, David to Chelsea, Kevin to Astrid, Chris to Krystal, John to Jubilee, Joe to Kendall, Colton to Tia, Eric to Angela, and Kenny to Annaliese. Meaning we lose Nysha, Caroline, Jacqueline, and our spicy Latina Bibiana. ABC, with Bibiana leaving, I guess you can put those black boxes away for a little bit.
Episode 5 starts with Krystal attempting to put some weed-scented Febreze on the situation to freshen it up. Leo comes in, and everybody starts sizing him up immediately. Guys say they’re not bothered, but girls are hot AND bothered. Leo ends up asking Kendall on the date, and she says yes immediately. In true Chicago fashion, Joe says, “I hope you have a bad time. See you later.”
They go on the date, where they run into Jorge (who is singlehandedly contributing to the skyrocketing unemployment rate in Mexico since he has EVERYONE’S job). Here, we see the worst “story” ever that features Arie, Amanda Stanton, Lauren B. & Ben Higgins. At this point in the episode, I envied Stevie Wonder because he doesn’t have to see this. Kendall and Leo spend most of their date making out in front of a camera, and no one hates it (except Joe). Kendall returns from their date, and Joe pretty much says, “Leo who?” whereas Kendal is more like, “Umm, don’t close yourself off from everyone.” (Translation: Make sure your sh*t is ALL the way packed). Leo doesn’t stop at Kendall—he grabs some makeout time in the hot tub with Chelsea after he returns from his date, proving that he’s the guy that cuts the buffet line to get seconds when everyone else is still on firsts.
Just when it had been 12 minutes of uninterrupted time with no Tia and Colton discussion, Kenny finds a date card for Colton. He takes Tia on their first REAL date, and it features BIP Season 4’s star couple Adam and Raven. During the date, Raven drops some knowledge on her that makes Tia cry like someone told her that there was a tequila shortage. As a result, Colton decides to put a figurative ring on it, by making her his girlfriend.
A new arrival, Benoit, shows up and he is something else. He’s got the kind of eye contact that makes eye exam charts jealous. He takes Jenna on a date, and they have some great conversation. And by conversation, I mean tonsil hockey lessons. By the end of the date, Benoit was wearing more of Jenna’s lipstick than she was. Jordan is sitting back at the resort stewing over this date. He decides to write “I’m Sorry” in the sand so big that the people on Mars are wondering how bad he f*cked up. Is the sorry for the immaturity or the fact that he stole one of Ellen’s jumpsuits for the rose ceremony? We’ll see next week!
Images: Giphy (4)
Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise! The show that
keeps on giving leaves us shackled to our couches for 4-6 hours a week. When last we left off, Chris was interrupted in the middle of comparing living, breathing women to courses in a meal by Tia who, hopefully, came armed to this conversation with a shoe so she can beat him to death with it. I’m rooting for you, Tia!
TIA: You told me that I deserve the best.
CHRIS: You do.
TIA: But you made out with Krystal.
CHRIS: I did. But I’ll fight for you.
Okay, see this is what’s wrong with modern dating right here. They keep talking in circles around each other and Chris might as well be speaking in Pig Latin for all the sense he’s making rn. Tia is pissed because Chris told her he would commit to her, meanwhile Chris is saying that he did mention commitment to her but will actually do the opposite. But, hey, at least he said the word commitment! That’s got to count for something, Tia!
Jesus. This talk is making me want to call my internet company and abandon the sh*tty internet plan that makes it possible for me stream this abomination on clear, cloudless days only. Tia keeps saying Chris’s argument doesn’t make sense—and it doesn’t—but what really doesn’t make sense is how either of these women can fight over him while he’s wearing that fugly bandanna.
Moving on. Oh, that poor parrot needs to stay far away from Kendall. Next time we see it it will be on her wall.
Tia thinks that because Colton warned her about Chris, Colton is in love with her. It’s flimsy evidence at best, but her crazy ass will take anything she can get.
HAHA. Tia yelping “help” after realizing she’s insane is me in the mirror every morning.
Jacqueline and her monotone voice emerge from behind a palm tree. Idk why, but there’s something v unnerving about Jacqueline to me. I think it has something to do with the full set of baby teeth hiding in that tiny mouth of hers.
Bibi’s like “she doesn’t smell like Paradise yet. I’m screwed.” Bibi, this girl has the personality of a mechanical pencil. I think you’ll be fine, girl.
Jacqueline pulls Colton aside as Tia is literally in the middle of professing her love to him again. Lol this should be good.
JACQUELINE: Can I steal you for a second, Colton?
WHAT. Colton turns Jackie down?? First of all, you can do that? Second of all, he can’t say no to a date! What does he think he’s here for? To sip on his Mike’s Hard and work on his tan? Absolutely not. You’re never going to lose your virginity with an attitude like that, Colton!
Colton tells Tia that he’s still into her but he doesn’t want to, like, do anything about it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to stick my head in an oven. Are you effing kidding me with this, ABC? Honestly, this Colton/Tia thing has gone on far too long. I’ve had enough. Someone murder them both already. For f*ck’s sake.
Jackie picks Kenny for the date because one of the producers lost a bet and had to make this happen. That’s the only way these two on a date makes sense. I’ll be shocked if they find anything to talk about. Fingers crossed the producers don’t have to resort to poking them with sticks to generate any sort of human emotion!
KENNY: You’re pretentious, aren’t you?
Clearly this love story was written in the stars. Good luck, kids!
Back at the beach, Annaliese is patiently waiting for Kenny to get back from his date. She’s like “I have to
find love get a rose tonight. I. have. to.” Damn, this girl did not come to play. She immediately pulls Kenny aside to show him the pink goo she picked out for dessert.
OH MY GOD DID ANNALIESE JUST SAY SHE WANTS TO OPEN HER SEXUAL DOOR TO HIM? Does she mean, like, her back door? Is that what she’s trying to say? I’m confused.
Okay, Venmo John is killing it this season. Who would have thought a man with a decent job and a 401K would be more of a hot commodity than a former pro athlete? No, seriously. Who.
Meanwhile, Chris and Krystal are heating up. It’s disgusting. He’s like “I really appreciated you having my back when I was trying to dump my side chick. That was hot.” Krystal, is this what you’ve been dreaming about your whole life? Because if so, then I’m so glad you found your knight in shining armor!
Okay, Bibiana is a goddamn therapist at this point. She should honestly be charging by the hour for the amount of time and effort she’s putting into getting these losers to express basic human emotion.
COLTON: So my only choices are to date Tia or go home? Guess I’m going hom—
BIBIANA: B*tch, what did we just talk about?
Damn. Tia really wore Colton down. Colton decides he wants to give their relationship a chance and Tia actually screams in ecstasy. It’s v disturbing.
Also, Tia all you ever wanted was for him to “give it an honest chance.” No, that’s not true. You wanted to bully him into dating you. And it worked. Congratulations, you sociopath. (And can I DM you for tips?)
Moving on to the rose ceremony. I never thought we’d get here. I’m genuinely worried Bibi is going home, though. And what will her
patients cast mates do without her saving their boyfriends in rose ceremonies when they’re mad at them? Hmm?
MY GOD. What is Jordan wearing on his body rn? It’s like a vest/pant combo made out of the vacation section at a Goodwill.
Elsewhere, Caroline has Venmo John cornered on a couch listing off her demands for the rose ceremony.
CAROLINE: I just hate this campaigning for roses. I’m not that kind of girl.
NARRATOR: She absolutely was that kind of girl.
Then there’s Jubilee, A WAR VETERAN, who’s reduced herself to handing out back rubs for a rose. Is this really a back rub or is she actually using a tactic they teach in the army to get the enemy to submit? She could have some real tricks hidden under that crop top.
Lol David is over here trying to give Bibi a pep talk. He’s like “Kenny said he’s into you. He said you have a good booty.” What a strong foundation to build a relationship on! It’s worked out so well for the Kardashians.
WHAT. Kenny and Bibi start making out and I AM HERE FOR IT. Never mind that Kenny all of the sudden has half of Paradise vying for his attention. SAVE OUR GIRL, KENNY. I beg of you.
Jackie grabs Kenny next and is like “I hope you’ll still give me a chance now that I just turned 27. I read an article in the New York Times that says I’m past my prime now.”
Um, this man is the father of a 12-year-old college graduate, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give a sh*t if you’re old enough to pay for your own health insurance now.
Meanwhile, David pulls Jenna aside and gives her a giant-ass stuffed animal for her birthday. Omg. It’s literally a washed-up street dog. What was that, like, the only available thing in the prop room?
Jordan is piiissseddd. He starts dragging the dog down the beach AND THROWS IT INTO THE OCEAN. That is actually so f*cked up. I mean have I done the same thing to my ex-boyfriend’s beloved Kurt Cobain T-shirt after he dumped me in the middle of a beer pong game freshman year?
Yes. That’s neither here nor there.
Jordan is losing it and starts going OFF on Chelsea and Jubilee. And it’s, like, Jordan, you can’t start yelling insults at women to their faces. This isn’t MTV.
ANNALIESE: I would not be with a man who speaks to me that way. Nope.
JORDAN: Will you accept this rose?
ANNALIESE: Omg I would be honored.
Eric confronts Jordan and tells him he needs to apologize to all the ladies or else. Damn. I forgot how attractive Eric is. There’s just something about a man treating women like actual human beings instead of just props for their next Instagram post that’s so… sexy. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic like that!
Eric is the perfect man. I rest my case.
Chris Harrison hauls ass and shows up at the rose ceremony before any other drunken fights can break out. F*cking finally, Chris! The rose ceremony goes as such:
- Jordan picks Jenna, who can barely open her eyes with all of that glue holding her eyelashes on. It’s possible she doesn’t even know Jordan is the one who picked her. Who can say.
- David picks Chelsea.
- Kevin picks Astrid.
- Chris picks Krystal. God help her.
- John picks Jubilee.
- Joe picks Kendall.
- Colton picks Tia. Vomit.
- Eric picks Angela.
- Kenny picks Annaliese. WAIT WHAT. HOW. OVER BIBIANA. How f*cking dare you.
And on that note, I’m out y’all. I have to go try and not have nightmares about Jordan chasing people in the rain. BYE.
Images: Giphy (5) @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1); @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1)
Look, I’m not even going to bother with pleasantries anymore. If you stuck around to watch grown adults guzzle tequila and fornicate on a beach chair for two nights in a row, then, congratulations, you know what it’s like to be held hostage by Mike Fleiss. We all deserve a medal. So, let’s move on, k? Chris Harrison tells us that previously on the Bachelor in Paradise, Colton was “spiraling out of control” at the thought of having to breathe the same air as his ex. Honestly, same, dude.
Becca finds Colton curled in the fetal position, weeping into his biceps. I paraphrase. She probably took one look at that crime scene on the floor and was like “you know, I think I’ll stick with my
golden retriever fiancé.”
Colton asks why they broke up and it’s like, dude, you know why you broke up. She had to physically leave the room to collect herself when you dropped the V-card bomb on her. Becca’s like “Tia had nothing to do with us breaking up, she just asked me to break up with you and I did.” Lol nice save, Becca.
Okay, this conversation is soooo awkward. Colton is, like, sniffling in the background while Becca tells him how happy and magical her life is. She’s like “if I hadn’t met you then I never would have realized how happy another man could make me. Feel better?” Becca, you’re supposed to be calming him down, not making him more suicidal!
COLTON: I think I’m ready to move on and find love now.
BECCA: Yasss let’s do the damn thing!
Now that Colton says he’s ready to move on, all the guys look genuinely terrified of the competition. Instead of having to compete with a guy who’s constantly crying over his ex, now they have to compete with a football player who’s moved on to the revenge sex portion of the breakup. Good luck, kids!
Lolololol did Annaliese just use the words “respectful” and “Jordan” in the same sentence? Oh poor Annalise, you’re about to get ripped to shreds, honey.
Oh good f*cking God, Jenna is here and I’m not ready. Her energy levels are terrifying. Just watching her makes me want to take a long nap. Sidenote: how do you guys think she was able to smuggle her cocaine through Mexican security?
Things are not looking great for Annaliese. Jenna walks into Paradise and Jordan immediately is like “Annaliese who?”
JORDAN: I’m subscribing to whatever she’s got going on.
Yeah, and whatever drugs she’s got going on too, amiright J?
Jenna asks Jordan on the date. Tbh I’m convinced Jordan is only on this date so he can have some of the drugs Jenna is about to pull out of her vagina.
MY GOD does Jenna ever stop talking? She’s like “I’m so relaxed, I’m so zen right now.” Girl, if this is you totally zenned out, then I’m frightened to see you excited about something.
Jenna and Jordan start making out, and it’s making me p uncomfortable. Why is Jordan nuzzling her face like that? It’s like watching snakes mate or something. What is that??
Meanwhile, back at Mexican home base, Annaliese is talking about how she’s going to walk out of Paradise with a ring on her finger. Yeah, she’s about as likely to get a ring at the end of this as she is to ever get in a bumper car again.
Annaliese is like “I still have hope that we might be okay.” Meanwhile, Jordan is dry humping Jenna behind a palm tree. It’s always nice to have hope, though!
Jordan and Jenna get back from their date, and Jordan actually does the very mature thing of sitting Annaliese down to tell her what’s up. I’m half expecting
Hell Paradise to freeze over in protest.
Wait. I spoke too soon. Jordan is being, like, unnecessarily blunt rn. He’s like “I’m really not into you anymore, but have a good summer okay, sweetie?” Way harsh, Tai.
JORDAN: Just know that I’m saving a place for you on my back burner.
Those are fighting words, Jordan.
How kind of you to offer, Jordan! Jesus Christ, this is so effed up. Paradise is just like the real world. Here we have all these women who are the cream of the crop—mothers, veterans, hot AF Instagram models—and they’re fighting over the scraps these garbage piles masquerading as human men throw them.
LOLOLOL. I can’t believe he just said that he thinks his talk with Annaliese went really good and was “very healthy.” Like, I haven’t felt that triggered since my boss asked me if I was bringing a date to our company Christmas party.
Jordan starts listing off all the reasons why Jenna is a catch as the camera pans to her passed out on a chaise lounge. Yes, I’m sure your mother will think she’s sweet!
OMG did David just wake her up from her nap? Does he have a death wish? I have cut people for less. Just ask my sister. Okay, why did he make her a cake, though? This all feels very
random producer concocted.
Jenna tells him she’s looking for a guy who likes to have fun and David’s immediate response is to take his shirt off. At the beach. David, you wild man, you.
I’m already losing interest in this birthday cake standoff. Yawn. Also, why are these people wasting cake? Animals.
Ohhh Yuki. How I’ve missed you. These degenerates are trying to explain to her how football works and she’s like “you play girls, yes?” YES, YUKI.
Just as Annaliese is starting to feel barely emotionally stable enough to not throw herself into the ocean, Caroline “You Know What You Did” Lunny walks in. Yeah, Annaliese is definitely a goner.
Jesus, this girl is talking really fast. Is she also on drugs? Are they all on drugs??
Jordan says Caroline gives him stepmom vibes and I’ve never heard anything so accurate in my life. He’s like “doesn’t she look like the type to show up in your bedroom in a silk robe and try and feel you up while your dad is in the next room?” Um, Jordan. Do you have something to tell us or…??
Caroline picks Venmo John for the date and I’m shocked he’s that hot of a commodity at Paradise. I mean, yes he’s smart and successful, but since when do any of these losers care about that?
Lololol. Caroline seems more in love with these stray cats then the genuine guy with a stable income sitting in right in front of her, but that feels about right.
YESSS. JUBILEE IS BACK. Fun fact: Jubilee “I didn’t fight for my country to compete with 20 other women for Ben Higgin’s attention” Sharpe is my absolute favorite in the Bachelor franchise. Let’s never forget that one time she called Ben out for telling every woman on his season with a pulse that he was falling for her. Iconic.
Lol Joe just goes “she’s HOT.” Listening to Joe talk about girls is funny, because it’s like hearing a Dad talk about girls.
Jubilee pulls Kevin first and he’s like “I can’t go on a date because last night I banged Astrid.” Wowowowowow. That was so casual. DID YOU HEAR THAT ASHLEY I, DID YOU?! Well, at least he’s honest!
Jubilee asks Venmo John on the date as another woman is wrapped around his body. Damn, that’s bold. They go ziplining and then do lunch in the jungle.
Okay, John you “don’t like to bring it up” that you invented the app for Venmo? Cause you brought it up to Jubilee within five minutes of meeting her, sooooooo.
VENMO JOHN: I’m just a programmer! There’s nothing special about me and all the money I make.
Okay, they are vibing rn. They’re actually talking about real-ass things, while all he did with Caroline was dance on an abandoned street with her and pet a kitty. Pun intended. She looks like the type.
Back at the beach, Kenny makes a picnic for him and Krystal and it’s so stinkin cute. He literally drew a heart in the sand around their towel. Kenny’s like “I see a future with you after this, I want to be with you.” To which Krystal replies: “Aww, thank you for sharing.”
AWW, THANK YOU FOR SHARING. *throws laptop at wall* Goddamnit, Krystal! You gotta turn down the last good man on this island? Really?
God, I hate Chris so much. I want someone to drown him in the pool. Tia’s like “he’s so sweet, he’s saying everything I want to hear.” Duh! Of course he is! He literally knows the exact script to follow to keep you around!
I love that Eric and Kenny are referring to the other contestants as rats with cheese. Not as good as Daniel’s iconic washed-up street dogs comment, but I’ll take it.
HOLY SH*T. Krystal is stealing Tia’s man right out from under her. And Chris is just letting it happen! Literally seconds after Tia DTR’s with Chris, Krystal starts sucking face with him. He’s like “you want to make out because I’m definitely single.” What a guy.
Soooo it’s not cool when Colton tries to “have his cake and eat it too” but when you want to do it, Chris, it’s “fighting for her” but “exploring your options”? Kkkkkkkkkk.
Cut to Tia the next morning bragging to anyone who will listen that she and Chris are soooo in love. Girlfriend, you should know better than to trust anyone on that godforsaken island!
Meanwhile, Chris is swinging his d*ck around at the breakfast table. I’m seriously going to vomit listening to this misogynistic bullsht. He’s like “today the goose is flying high.” He says this with all the confidence of someone who has never been told what a dipsh*t he looks like wearing that Mr. Miyagi headband.
WHAT. Colton is going to tell Tia about the Chris/Krystal thing?? I would not want to be the messenger of that bad news.
Did Chris just say he wants to go on multiple dates tonight before the rose ceremony? VOM. And Jordan is just egging him on by comparing living, breathing women to food courses in a meal. *takes slow, calming breaths* Are you there, God? It’s me, It’s Britney, Betch. Is it time to smite down all the men yet? I have compelling evidence this time!
JORDAN: You’re a delicacy here. Anyone you sit down with tn is going to want your rose.
Ohhh IDK about that, Jordan. I think some of these girls would rather light themselves on fire then be compared to carrot cake in a sexual way. Just saying.
The episode ends with Tia confronting Chris. If she’s anything like her pal Raven, then I hope she beats him to death with her shoe. I’m rooting for you, T!
Images: Giphy (6); @themansfield /Instagram (1); @pacoismynickname /Instagram (1)
Well, fam, here we are again. Another week come and gone where all I’ve done is worry far too much about the emotional stability of people who make their living off of FabFitFun boxes. That’s right, people, I’m talking about Bachelor in Paradise. When last we left off, ABC’s less hot version of Gaston was summoning
the townspeople the franchise’s biggest beach trash to verbally take down t he beast a 26-year-old virgin. Honestly, I can’t imagine they have that hard of the job. So, shall we continue where we left off?
I can’t believe Chris is trying to lecture Colton on appropriate behavior when I can see far too much of his milky thighs in those Chubbys.
CHRIS: You can’t just have your cake and eat it to.
COLTON: Yes, I can. This is Paradise.
Well, well, well. Color me shocked that a guy who willingly subscribed to getting blackout on a beach for seven weeks wants to have his cake and eat it too. It’s like production invited living, breathing men to Mexico or something.
Elsewhere, Tia is word vomiting to anyone who will listen about their date on a yacht. She’s like “I hope I’ve made it clear that I’m
a doormat here for him.” Yep. Loud and f*cking clear, honey.
MY GOD I’m so sick of this Tia/Colton storyline already. Like, Tia, what are you even losing your dignity over? Hmm? You know his virgin ass probably lasts three seconds in bed and considers dry humping with your clothes on foreplay. Tia, we did not march for this sh*t!!
Kenny gets the next date card, and he looks just as surprised as I am that the producers might actually throw him a bone.
WHAT. He chooses Krystal for the date? Am I in an alternate reality? WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.
KENNY: I’m looking for a good girl. Someone to be a role model for my daughter.
Me too, girl. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!
Surprise, surprise. Production is trying to milk this whole Jordan/Chicken fued one more goddamn time, and I love that the best they can come up with is Annaliese. Tbh she and the chicken are perfect for each other. She had a traumatic experience with bumper cars, he had a traumatic experience with bunk beds. If that’s not a match made in heaven, then IDK what is.
Lol did Annaliese just say the words “serious” and “want to be engaged after three weeks” in the same sentence? Does she know the meaning of the word serious or…?
Jordan and Annaliese start making out after a single glass of champagne and she’s already talking like this will lead to a proposal at the end of this. She’s like “we’re a couple now and it’s crazy” and it’s, like, no, honey, you are not a couple. At best you might make it into Jordan’s Instagram story one time and that’s only if his producer holds him at gunpoint to do so. That’s your best-case scenario, dear.
Moving on to Kenny and Krystal’s date. They go to a Mexican wrestling match because apparently Kenny only gets one defining trait per franchise. He’s a wrestler. Got it.
OH SHIT. Kenny just whips his shirt off and starts fighting to defend Krystal’s honor. Never mind that Krystal has about as much honor as a can of Four Loko.
Wait, so they went to an underground fight club and now they get to sit on a bench in an alley and drink out of Solo cups. When do they get murdered? Soon, I hope!
KRYSTAL: Kenny has been through adversity same as me.
GOING ON THE BACHELOR IS NOT ADVERSITY, KRYSTAL. Someone please get this girl a dictionary. You keep using that word, but I do not think it means what you think it means.
Andddd they’re kissing. As if this date could get any more bizarre.
Meanwhile, back at the beach, Kevin wastes zero time in getting over Krystal. He’s like “Astrid is a nice distraction because have you seen her boobs?” Wow. I hope these two crazy kids make it!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TIA, PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT COLTON. She’s like, “I’m not gonna sit here and ooh and ahh but that’s exactly what I’m gonna do.”
crack Colton one more time.
Here’s the thing: it feels like Colton is not into Tia, and never was, and he’s just trying to have a fun time in Mexico after getting his ass dumped on national television. Like, the more Tia talks about it the situation the more I’m convinced they should bring Taylor in to lecture her about emotional intelligence. Please, ABC, it’s all I ask of you.
Cut to Colton showing off his football “talents” for that rando Angela. I’m putting talents in quotes here because I’m sure his coaches would be embarrassed to watch the display he’s putting on rn.
^^Actual footage of Colton and Angela on the beach rn
Nice move, loser.
F*cking finally. We’ve arrived at the first rose ceremony, and tonight it’s girls’ choice. I feel like Wills is in the running with no one and it’s making me so ill rn. He better last longer than one effing night or there will be to hell to pay. Hell. To. Pay.
Chris Harrison shows up and gives the most amazing pep talk I’ve ever heard. He’s like “are you ready to fight for your life and really fake some connections tonight, men?” Are they ever, Chris.
NICK: This is more stressful than my real job.
This is Bachelor in Paradise, are you kidding me with this, Nick? Your literal only job is to be just likable enough that some girl gives you a pity rose to keep you around another week. Surely you can muster up some sort of charisma and charm you keep hidden underneath that Vegas DJ facade. AND HOW IS THAT MORE STRESSFUL THAN ANSWERING SUSAN IN ACCOUNTING’S EMAILS?
Oh, Joe. You sweet, innocent soul. Kendall, if you don’t give him your rose I will skin you alive and mount you on my wall.
Tia pulls Colton aside, and her plan of action for their talk sounds like the ramblings of a madwoman. She’s like “I’m just going to let him know that I’m going to be his girlfriend and I don’t care if he says no because that’s what the producers promised me.”
Okay, he could not make it more clear that he’s just not into her. This is so sad to watch. Tia, just let this dream die!
OMG. Is Tia trying to threaten Colton into giving her rose? She’s like “If you want to stay here on this beach then you need to be my boyfriend, got it?” Yooo this girl is batsh*t. I can’t.
And there’s Chris waiting in the wings. He says some vaguely nice things about her and Tia all but weeps in relief that at least one man on this island wants to bang her.
Is it wrong that I want Becca to walk in right now and be like “oh hi Tia I actually dated Chris and still have feelings for him soooooo…”
A girl can dream.
Someone just said “have his cake and eat it too” and we’re now at the third time in 20 minutes. I swear it’s like these people get a phrase a day calendar and then try and pepper it in everyday conversation as much as they can.
Moving on to the actual rose ceremony. I truly don’t know who’s staying and who’s going. I’m low-key sweating on my couch with anticipation.
The rose ceremony goes as such:
- KRYSTAL PICKS KENNY. Omg. Omg. I was totally not expecting that.
- Astrid and her rack pick Kevin.
- Tia picks Chris. I guess those compliments production wrote down for him to say served him well.
- Kendall picks Joe.
- Annaliese picks Jordan.
- The random girl picks Eric.
- Chelsea picks David.
- Angela picks John.
- Bibi goes last and she picks… COLTON. WHAT. WHY?? BUT WILLS IS RIGHT THERE!!
I can’t f*cking believe Wills is going home but Venmo John gets to stay another week. How DARE ABC bring him to Paradise only to sacrifice him after week one so the Tia/Colton storyline can continue to live on. I’m so distraught. ABC, please just make him the Bachelor and be done with it.
Cut to the morning after the rose ceremony. Tia’s voice over is like “I’m feeling so good and so confident.”
ALSO TIA IN REAL TIME: Chris, I’m going to be insecure and you’re going to have to deal with it.
Have fun, Chris!
Chris Harrison says there’s gonna be some surprise guests throughout the season. First up, Becca! Lol the look on Colton’s face rn is giving me life. God, the producers must hate him.
PRODUCERS: How does Becca showing up make you feel?
COLTON: I’m feeling a little personally victimized for sure.
Wow. Becca’s outfit isn’t actually that offensive. This is crazy. Becca’s like “I’m here to give you advice the same way some of y’all gave me advice.” I really hope that by “advice” she means she’s going to guilt-manipulate Tia out of a man.
Andddd here go the water works. While Tia and Becca assassinate his character over mimosas, Colton is crying alone on the bottom bunk sucking his thumb. This is the side you need to show, Tia, boy!
Oh sh*tttt. Becca’s off to confront Colton and literally nothing can make her feel more secure in her choice of a fiancé than walking in on her ex-boyfriend curled in the fetal position moaning into his pillow.
And on that note, I’m out betches! Can’t wait to watch the rest of Colton’s meltdown tonight.
Images: Giphy (5); ABC (1); @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1)
Last week, we had the long-awaited return of the only Bachelor franchise worth saving: Bachelor in Paradise. Unfortunately, because the Bachelor franchise is obsessed with itself, we had to suffer through some drama we were already bored of on The Bachelorette: Tia and Colton. (TL;DR: Tia & Colton had a brief thing, Tia made Becca cut him after hometowns. If you need more details, try this.) Bachelorette fans have already jumped down Tia’s throat for her behavior and Becca even responded asking people to chill TF out. But apparently the BiP cast didn’t get the memo. Half of the episode is spent making fun of Tia for her big crush on Colton. The other half is spent roasting Colton for ignoring Tia when he (spoiler) arrives on night two.
According to ABC, the Tia and Colton story line is the most interesting thing happening this season. So why does it feel so boring?
We Know Too Much
I’m new to the Reality Steve game, but I’ve come to realize this season that The Bachelor is only a surprise if you want it to be. In the case of Tia and Colton, even spoiler noobs like me were well aware that Tia and Colton had a reunion in Paradise. (Reality Steve had leaked pictures as early as June.) In addition to that, we all have social media. If there had been a serious falling out between Becca and Tia, we would have seen the unfollows. If Colton was seriously closing the Tia door, he would’ve deleted his heart-eye tweets about her on Arie’s season. And Baby Bekah’s been more than happy to keep us posted on her thoughts about all this, including speculation about their time in Paradise back when The Bachelorette was airing.
In other words, you would have had to try really, really hard to watch Paradise and not know that Colton and Tia were getting together. There’s nothing organic or surprising; it’s practically contractually obligated, and it’s a real drag to watch.
This GIF says way too much about their whole dynamic.
We’ve Seen Too Much
So, we knew it would happen. That alone shouldn’t have made it so boring. In fact, confrontations you actively expect can be the most fun. Which brings us to the next point: Tia and Colton are just not that interesting. The fact is, Tia was not chosen to be the Bachelorette. And if I have any luck remaining on this earth, Colton will never be chosen as the Bachelor. Sure, Colton’s got the celebrity exes and virginity, and Tia’s got the
knockoff Raven Southern charm. But beyond agreeing that they’re both attractive people in a vaguely Friday Night Lights kind of way, I have limited interest in seeing where their stories go. I would rather watch Krystal, whose newfound sanity is already hanging by a thread, or Joe, who I sadly like less every time he opens his mouth, than continue with these two.
Paradise is a place for slightly unhinged people to
gain new corporate sponsors make bad choices, not a pageant queen and Boy Scout to practice rounding second base. They’re not crazy enough or tragic enough to make for really great entertainment. And I think it’s safe to say that ABC has worn them out.
All of America watching this story line:
This Whole Situation Sucks
Finally: when Colton arrives on that
STD-ridden Mexican beach, it’s not a question of whether he’ll be into her. It’s a question of whether he’ll cave to the public expectation that he MUST like Tia as much as she likes him, or risk his reputation going for someone else.
As a quick refresher on their relationship, Tia DM’ed Colton while he was in the casting process for The Bachelorette. They started talking, then stopped talking when he found out he was going on the show. Their in-person time was limited to a single weekend in Los Angeles. If we’re assuming worst-case scenario, Tia is walking the line between stalker fan and one-night stand. Best case, it was a short but intense fling that nonetheless, they cut off well over six months ago. And now Colton, fresh off a breakup of his own, is being asked to couple up with Tia or be hated by all of America.
As for Tia, who is understandably a ball of nerves, there’s a lot more on the line than “does this guy still like me?” She’s waiting to see if Colton’s going to save her reputation by making this a love story, or publicly dump her. Because if Colton doesn’t go for Tia, Tia just f*cked with Becca’s journey for a guy who wasn’t even into her. And that’s hard to come back from—in Bachelor Nation, and just in life generally.
Same, Tia. Same.
Overall, I’d love to stop seeing these two faces on my TV. Colton has seemed in over his head for a while, and Tia has backed herself into a corner that will be very boring and painful to watch her get out of. For the sake of everyone’s sanity, let Tia and Colton put this embarrassing chapter behind them and focus on footage like Jordan explaining American history or Bibiana punching people.
Images: Giphy (3)