WOOO WOOO WOOO! It’s the no-fun police, and we’re here to ruin your bachelorette party—or, keep you from ruining it with your sometimes questionable taste in these things. Getting married is like, slightly scary, and the least you, the maid of honor or one of the top bridesmaids, can do is make it as amazing as possible for your soon-to-be married bestie. We aren’t sure how it started, but these parties celebrating the last round of slutty single behavior for a bride-to-be have gotten out of hand. Penis themed everything, weird outfits, over-scheduled days filled with drinks and food and activities plus other tacky shit has got to stop, and we’re here to lead you in the right direction.
1. Don’t Make The Bride Pay For Shit
This is like, rule number one. Literally. If you’re the one planning this monumental shit show, make sure all the other betches understand that the bride isn’t paying for anything, be it drinks, hotel, or meals. The ONLY exception would be if the bridezilla in question is demanding a 5-star bachelorette party in Vegas; sister can pay for her own airfare in that case. But for the majority of the other shit, take care of your girl. Like, she has enough on her plate planning this
funeral for her social life wedding of the century, so make sure everyone is FULLY aware ahead of time that being invited to this shit is an honor AND you’re planning to financially support the bride’s extended blackout good time.
2. Be Sensitive To The Timing
Since the bride-to-be is going to be hella stressed with everything concerning her actual big day, make sure the bachelorette party is planned far enough in advance that she isn’t on the phone with caterers and photographers putting finishing touches on shit while you’re all at boozy brunch. A good rule of thumb is to set the bachelorette party about a month or two before the wedding. That way, it’s far enough out from the big day that the bride can relax, but it’s close enough that the excitement is setting in.
3. Stop Over-scheduling
A bachelorette party does not need to have something scheduled every hour of every day you’ll be there. Like, definitely schedule a nice dinner, or have it on the radar to head to a wine tasting, but you want to have down time too. The bachelorette is sort of an excuse for everyone to get fucked up AND relax, so having a strict schedule to stick to is just going to stress everyone out more. Plus, nobody wants to be that girl with a clipboard at the winery, MONICA.
4. Chill With The Dicks
Yeah, dick tattoos and water bottles and gummies and shit are funny I guess, but sometimes it’s just like, too much. Definitely get a few hilarious dick items—like gold tattoos or straws—but don’t go overboard. It’s the same rule for bride sashes and tiaras: it’s cute for about an hour, then it’s just obnoxious.
5. You Don’t Have To Black Out Every Night
Don’t get me wrong—going out and getting fucked up as part of your bachelorette party is like, amazing. But getting blackout every night just ups the chances for Jen to throw up on a new friend, for Kalyn to get beer in her hair and sleep in it—thus ruining the Airbnb’s trust circle—or for Sarah to cry-vomit and end up showing her future sisters-in-law her boobs without remembering it later. Like yeah, those incidents are hilarious, but you don’t really want to relive them multiple times over the course of the bachelorette party. Aim for like, one night to be the shit show night, then take it sorta easy from there. You’ll feel better—trust us.
6. Stop Matching Outfits
Okay, hear me out: Having cutesy matching shirts that you wear for one activity one of the days is FINE. What tends to get a little obnoxious, though, is forcing all the girls to wear matching tanks, then matching dresses, then matching sunglasses, and matching sashes for every scheduled event/outing the entire trip. Like, relax. Everyone is using your wedding and subsequently paired activities as an excuse to hang out, drink, and chill. Don’t make this weird by insisting everyone stick to a uniform. There will be enough of that when they have to put on those fug bridesmaids dresses.
7. Listen To The Bride
At the end of the day, this shit is for the bride and everything needs to, like, revolve around her. For my bachelorette, my betches knew I was obsessed with food—so we went to the top restaurants in Savannah. They know I love animals, so I got to drunkenly pet horses and dogs. Make it about her and what she wants. If you have a Debbie Downer who wants to sit with her arms crossed cause she’s tired at the piano bar—let her go back to the hotel. If the bride is happy, keep it that way. Don’t let other selfish betches take the focus off your main bitch.