We all love Sex and the City, or at the very least, love to hate Sex and the City. I mean, the better half of the twenty- and thirty-somethings in New York moved here because of the inspiration Carrie Bradshaw and her crew of Manolo Blahnik-clad misfits gave us. We’ve all sat around with our gals and gays deciding who’s the Samantha (always the slutty one that has two glasses of Prosecco and starts announcing “I’m such a Samantha!”) the Miranda (the smart one) the Carrie (me… I’m the Carrie, always) and finally the poor, sad soul that gets labeled the Charlotte. If you’ve ever worked serving tables and had someone order a hot water with lemon, you can blame Sex and the City. I always did.
Here’s the thing about shows from the past: they rarely stand up to today’s standards of quality, comedy, and most importantly, political correctness or even personal morals. Sex and the City is no exception. Even when I watched the show in its entirety seven years ago, there were moments that made me wonder how they got away with some of the sh*t they did at the time. The show ran from 1998-2004, arguably a great time for television, but also a time before it was customary for us to question the things on TV that made us uncomfortable, offended, or simply confused. While there are many a “joke” that would now be considered to be um…in poor taste…these are five episodes that made me say “Uh…oh no, no, you can’t say stuff like that anymore!”
5. Season 2, Episode 12 “La Douleur Exquise” – Stanford’s Big Moment
It’s supposed to be New York in the late 90s/early 2000s, and the LGBTQ+ representation is lacking. Carrie’s gay BFF Stanford is the most visible gay character on the show, with a whopping 27 episodes out of the 94 that make up the series. 27 episodes sounds pretty good, until you watch them all and realize that most of the time Stanford is just dropping by to make a little quip, call himself a queeny bitch, and then sashay offscreen like me leaving a party the second the open bar ends.
In this particular episode, Big is out of town so Carrie has time to kill, so we’re granted a little glimpse into Stanford’s dating life. The scene is set: Carrie and Stanford chain-smoking cigarettes inside the apartment, tossing back pink cocktails and trading tea back and forth. (If you don’t know what Tea is, it’s like gossip—catch an episode of Rupaul’s Drag Race every now and then.) Stanford takes a sip of his cosmo and reveals to Carrie that he’s been dating—cyber dating, he says wearily. “I have cyber sex on the internet. My name is Rick9Plus. Rick9Plus, how sad is that. So, I’ve been chatting with this guy and now he wants to meet and I don’t know if I should.” Carrie, as any good friend should, asks what Stanford knows about him. “His name’s BigTool4you. He seems hot, it’s exciting, and I haven’t good sex since before Cats was on Broadway.” Well he seems hot and says he has a big dick, and in gay world that’s like scoring a doctor who also has his law degree, an apartment in Paris, and family money out the ass! Only like…gay guys also want to score a doctor who has his law degree, an apartment in Paris, and family money out the ass, you know? Big dicks don’t pay the college loans and credit card debt!
Now, do a lot of gay guys have anonymous sex on the internet? Yes. Of course they do. More than most straight people I know, my gay friends have sex a lot. I mean, I don’t, because I’m riddled with anxiety and self-doubt, but my friends who are blessed with anxiety-free brains, or a good Xanax prescription, do. Here’s the thing though, they don’t only have anonymous sex. Growing up I didn’t really know any gay people, like, at all, so the only gay men I was exposed to were the ones on TV having wild sex in dungeons, insulting everyone around them, generally being rude to each other, and never really having any kind of traditional life. Maybe Sex and the City should’ve reconstructed the way gay men were seen on screen, instead of reinforcing those pre-existing stereotypes. But maybe I’m just being a hysterical homo! You know us! Drama, drama, drama!
Stanford does end up meeting with “BigTool4U,” very romantically at an underwear party at an after-hours club in Chelsea, and they share a very special moment where he touches the waistband on Stanford’s tighty-whities. Ah, just like a modern day Gone With The Wind. We never hear from “BigTool4U” again in any other episodes, and Stanford never mentions how their torrid love affair ended, but hey, they were only the most popular and talked-about TV show on HBO at the time, they must’ve just not had the budget to further invest in gay representation!
4. Season 3, Episode 5 “No Ifs, Ands Or Butts” – Samantha Tackles Racism (Not)
It’s no secret that Sex and the City was completely lacking in diversity. Lacking in the sense that it didn’t exist like, at all. Almost every single episode, one of the girls is dating or having sex with a guest star or two who’s only there for one episode. During the entire series, the girls date three people of color. Maria, from the episode where Samantha “tries out” being a lesbian (lol), Dr. Robert Leeds, played by Blair Underwood, who is the go-to defense answer when someone comments on the lack of representation on the show, and then there’s Chivon.
We’re introduced to Chivon through his sister, Adeena, a restaurateur acquaintance of Samantha’s who also happens to be a woman of color. Chivon and Samantha immediately click, and after a few jokes about how smooth and hot he is, sprinkled in with a couple of nuggets of information about how successful he is from Adeena, the girls start potentially the first dialogue about race on the show…and it’s all bad. After Samantha insists she’s not using “black talk,” she’s using “sex talk,” Charlotte corrects her, “it’s African-American talk,” Samantha fires back with, “I don’t see color, I see conquests,” to which Carrie replies, “talk about affirmative action!” I mean… holy sh*t, what? At this point we’re only five minutes into the episode. Buckle in kids, it’s gonna be a real f*cked-up ride!
As the episode goes on, Samantha ends up dating Chivon, and here is where it gets interesting. When Adeena realizes that her friend Samantha is dating her brother, not only f*cking him, she is very unhappy. “I don’t like you seeing my brother, I don’t approve. I’m sure you’re a very nice person but you’re white, and I have a problem with my brother getting serious with a white woman. I’m never going to approve and my approval means a lot to my brother.” Samantha is aghast at Adeena’s response and immediately takes it to the girls, who begin discussing “his big black cock.” Miranda slyly comments, “don’t you mean big African-American cock?” SO MUCH IS HAPPENING HERE AND IT’S SO BAD. The first and only time we’re going to discuss racism in the show is racism AGAINST Samantha!? No, God, please no.
When Samantha refuses to break up with Chivon and shows up to a club with him they bump into Adeena, where sh*t really hits the fan. She yells at Samantha that no matter how many “Jennifer Lopez dresses” she owns she’ll never be with her brother. Samantha makes some comments that made me shrink into my couch, before she struts off, only to get her hair grabbed by Adeena, leading them into fist fighting in the club.
Again, this is one of the only woman of color to ever be on the show, certainly the only one with an actual story line, and she’s portrayed as violent, closed-minded, and is literally called a loud-mouthed bitch by Carrie in the narration??? NO. NO, Sex and the City, just….no.
3. Season 4, Episode 11 “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda” – Roosters & Transgendered People??
When this episode opened with crowing roosters waking up Carrie, I connected. I’ve literally lived in apartments in New York where my rich neighbors with too much money to burn owned chickens and roosters and kept them on their veranda. It’s New York, people are insane. Just this week I saw a man walking down 6th Avenue with a snake wrapped around his neck and an old woman with a parrot on her shoulder shopping at Trader Joe’s. Only Carrie doesn’t just rant about how annoying the roosters are, but also how annoying a group of transgender sex workers that are supposed to work the street outside Samantha’s meatpacking district apartment are! Oh, but also they’re not described as transgender sex workers, we’re introduced to them through Carrie’s narration as follows: “There they were, Samantha’s friendly neighborhood pre-op, transsexual hookers. Half-man, half-woman, totally annoying.” Tasteful, Carr!
There’s so much wrong with this. Imagine Zendaya on Euphoria referring to a group of people as transsexual hookers and it not immediately trending on Twitter. Remember, this is the level SATC was at at the time. The episode goes on with Samantha meeting the girls for breakfast the next morning, where she just digs her ignorant grave deeper. “I’m paying a fortune to live in a neighborhood that’s trendy by day and tranny by night.” Poor, sweet, dumb Charlotte is confused. “Tranny?” She asks. “Transsexuals. Chicks with dicks! Boobs on top, balls down below!?” Samantha answers. “I don’t get the appeal there,” Miranda comments before Samantha babbles some bulls*t about pseudo-straight guys from New Jersey and then they all laugh maniacally like Regina George bullying Katy Heron.
Transgender is defined as someone who identifies differently than their biological gender, while transsexual is someone who physically transitions from one gender to another. You know what they have in common? They don’t like to be called f*cking trannies! Maybe if we weren’t all growing up watching women who inspired a cosmo-and-scooped-out-bagel movement talk so negatively about a vulnerable minority community, we’d be ordering less hot waters with lemon and caring more about basic human rights?
Samantha decides to go down and make friends with the girls, all of whom are women of color, so…yeah, the only women of color in this episode are sex workers referred to as “tranny hookers.” How many rounds of people did this script go through? A lot of people read those words and thought “yes! go for it!!” After Samantha “politely” asks them to quiet down, they agree to move down the block, only to be thanked by Carrie’s pesky little narration: “Samantha always knew how to get her way with men, even if they were half women.” Again, this isn’t the craft services lunch of the day! These are words heard by millions of people tuning in each week, and for years after. Like, think about it a little!
In classic Sex and the City fashion, everything wraps up into a little messed-up bow when Samatha invites the transgender sex workers to a rooftop BBQ and Carrie says things like “I need to see you twirl, sista!” at the woman of color they’ve been talking sh*t about the entire episode, and they all snap their fingers at her joyously. Personally, I want to see this episode rebooted with these three fierce-ass transgender sex workers teaching Samantha and Carrie a thing or two about ignorance while wearing better shoes than them.
2. Season 3, Episode 4 “Boy Girl, Boy Girl…” – Bisexuality Apparently Doesn’t Exist
People mostly remember this episode because it guest stars that guy I only know as Rachel’s hot assistant Tag from Friends, and of course Alanis Morissette, but it’s also the episode where Carrie discusses bisexuality and Miranda cries about being too masculine in her relationship, which is a whole different can of worms I can’t even delve into.
Tag and Carrie go on a date to an ice skating rink (barf, literally never) while skating around and swigging Jim Beam from a flask, which I respect. Tag inexplicably calls Carrie “Carrigan” before listing all of his exes, ending with a guy named Mark. *Scandalous!* We immediately cut to the girls going in on their first serving of granola and berries of the day, and Carrie announces she’s dating a bisexual. Samantha chimes in: “I’m a try sexual, I’ll try anything once!” lol Samantha, l o l. Carrie reluctantly admits that yes, she does have a serious problem with his bisexuality, but he’s just such a good kisser! “I’m not even sure bisexuality exists, I think it’s just a layover on the way to gay town!”
Carrie, the authority on all things LGBTQ+, proclaims as a pride flag rises from the mist behind her. Charlotte, the resident conservative, makes her opinion known, “I’m very into labels, gay, straight, pick a side and stay there!” Miranda tosses in her two cents—”stop kissing him”—before they all scatter away to deal with their urgent $8,000/month apartments and Yves Saint Laurent bags. As Miranda leaves the screen, I wonder if Cynthia Nixon, real-life-out-lesbian-turned-politician, ever stopped for a second and was like, “wait you guys I have to tell you something!” Ah, the eighth world wonder.
At a fancy new club Carrie, makes her concerns known to Tag. “You’re not gay?” she asks. *eyeroll* They end up in bed together, where Carrie starts throwing hypothetical situations at him: “So like..if there was a very beautiful girl on the street, and on the other side was a really good looking man…” He cuts her off and tells her it’s not about sex, just about the person, before they have sex for hours. (Also like, sidenote: I just want to remind you that he is very hot. This has nothing to do with what I’m talking about, but he is very hot.)
Eventually Carrie goes to a party with Tag and his friends, one of whom is Alanis Morissette, and describes the party as a “pupu plater of sexual orientation” before they all play spin the bottle like it’s a cast party after a high school production of Anything Goes. Carrie spins the bottle and it lands on Alanis Morissette, and you oughta know it’s going to be a messy situation. Isn’t it ironic that Carrie kissing Alanis Morissette is what makes her run away from the party with one one hand in her pocket and the other smoking a cigarette, never t0 see Tag again? (Did you get all of those Alanis Morissette puns?? I deserve a f*cking Pulitzer.) There’s literally no wrap up, Carrie just says “that was the last time I ever saw him, I took my old fart ass home.” For the record, and I shouldn’t even have to say this: bisexuality exists, Sex and the City doesn’t know how to accurately portray any character that isn’t an upper-class white woman, Tag is super hot, and Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill album is still amazing.
1. Season 3, Episode 2 “Politically Erect” – Voting is Stupid
Nobody is looking to Sex and the City for political guidance. If the show were to take place today I would be terrified to learn who each of the girls would’ve voted for in 2016, but let’s face it, it would’ve probably been an overall disappointment. Speaking of disappointments, this episode starts with Carrie dating a hot silver fox who’s running for comptroller. Naturally, she refuses to wear his pin out in the open, and instead hides its under a godawful flower pin. Carrie and the girls are all soon dining al fresco, discussing politics in fur coats. The conversation goes as follows:
Charlotte: I can’t believe you’re dating a politician, you’re not even registered to vote!
Carrie: It’s the undecideds they’re really after.
Samantha: I totally get it, not only is he good looking, but he’s got the power thing going for him. It’s gotta be a turn-on.
Carrie: Oh yeah, I’m dating a potential comptroller, it’s hot.
Charlotte: I want to help out with the campaign.
Miranda: Since when are you interested in politics?
Charlotte: Always. It’s a really great way to meet men! And with Carrie by our side we can just get to meet the inner circle, and all the really interesting donors.
Miranda: By interesting men, she means single and rich.
Carrie: Guys, he’s not running for President.
Samantha: Oh he should! I’d vote for him, he’s really cute.
Samantha: I always vote for candidates according to their looks.
Carrie: I base my decision on the swimsuit competition.
Samantha: The country runs better with a good looking man in the White House!
The conversation goes on pretty much like that, Carrie saying one-off jokes while letting it be known that politics are stupid, Miranda making little remarks that remind us she’s the smartest one of the group, but not smart enough to actually bring up the issue that Carrie’s not registered to vote, Samantha talking about how hot JFK was, Charlotte discussing how she wants to date a hot politician—just the usual stuff! Carrie takes the girls to some political event and reminds them to vote for her politician boyfriend. Miranda asks why they’re voting for him, and Carrie lists some bullsh*t reasons before giggling and saying “it’s because I’m sleeping with him!” Samantha announces she doesn’t believe in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party, she just believes in parties—just typical party convo. After more jokes about how he should be elected comptroller because he’s hot, the whole politics storyline fizzles out. The comptroller-to-be asks Carrie to pee on him before breaking up with her because his campaign manager tells him dating a sex columnist is a bad look. Which is really the most believable thing about the episode.
Listen, I’m very aware that politics don’t have to be a part of everything, but a little mention of how voting is important wouldn’t have hurt anyone. If a show can inspire so many people to move to New York and convince their parents to pay for their overpriced apartments then it probably could’ve inspired some of those same people to vote, ya know?
Am I going to stop watching Sex and the City? Unfortunately, no. I’ll probably make more comments on how f*cked up things are on the show, but I’ll still sit there while the next episode auto-plays. There’s nothing we can change about the media of the past, but at least now we can look at it with a different set of eyes. In 2019, I think we’re all a little better at holding TV shows accountable. Also…just like…vote?
Images: HBO (2); Giphy (14)
People who are way too vocal about how a TV show or movie is nothing like the novels they’re based on are the absolute woooooooorst. And in case you haven’t noticed, I am the absolute woooooooorst, especially when it comes to my taste in TV shows, according to our comment section. Gotta be honest, I watched only binge watched Gossip Girl once, and once was all I needed. However, I work at Betches, so I’ve seen enough content to act like I’ve seen the show a thousand times. I used to read the books religiously when I was in middle school, so I’m expert here (kind of) on the differences between the books and the show. So I can say with confidence that some of the changes Josh Schwartz made to 11-year-old Millie’s beloved Gossip Girl franchise suck more than when he killed off Marissa on The O.C. or brought on Taylor and Oliver. Here’s the lowdown on the worst of the worst amendments made to the Gossip Girl TV show.
Almost Everything About Chuck
The only similarities between book Chuck and TV show Chuck are that he’s super loaded, he was involved with Blair, and I cannot believe he’s in high school. Both of those Chucks never had to worry about typical high school things like grades or getting random boners during class (feel like Nate in both settings would have to worry about the latter, though). But first off: Chuck in the novels barely dated Blair, and it happened for only a year when they were in Oxford together. He did assault Jenny in the novel and the show, and shame on CW for being so forgiving and romanticizing him after that. (Maybe Ed Westwick is hoping he’ll get the same treatment TV Chuck Bass did after getting #MeToo’d, and that’s probably gonna happen to because he’s a privileged white male.)
In the novel, people really didn’t like him to begin with and he was only allowed in the social scene because he’s rich. But as the series went on, it was alluded to that Chuck was bisexual. Chuck also got rejected from every college because his parents didn’t love him enough to participate in Operation Varsity Blues. He was forced to go to military school by his dad, but he never showed face to orientation or classes. Overall, the biggest difference between novel Chuck and TV Chuck is that TV Chuck was portraying as a brooding, smoldering dude, whereas novel Chuck was just an asshole with little to no redeeming qualities. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen girls post sappy photos of Chuck and Blair on social media, saying, “I want a Chuck to my Blair!” No! Why are we romanticizing TV Chuck? He’s totally the type of guy to ask for nudes before you go on a date or texting “making it move” in response to something that wasn’t remotely sexual. Being the friendless, rudderless guy with no real friends is what Chuck deserves, and I’m glad the novel put him in his place (until his random romance with Blair).
Everything About Jenny
TV show Jenny is blonde, lithe, and eventually, very edgy. Novel Jenny was really short, had brown curly hair, and had really big boobs. Book Jenny had a one-sided fling with Nate where she made googley eyes at everything about him and he just made googley eyes at her huge rack. They hooked up with him in Central Park and someone filmed it. The relationship ended because Nate is SUCH a boy. Ugh, typical. After getting expelled from Constance for partying, Novel Jenny eventually went off to boarding school, where she went from underdog to being pretty popular (and inspiring a v good spin-off book series, The It Girl).
TV show Jenny, meanwhile, bitched out and left because Blair banned her from Manhattan. As I get older and older, this city seems to get smaller and smaller, and I bump into random people I know at least three times a week. So yeah, I’d wanna ban someone I hate from this city too because I don’t want to see their face. But WTF kind of prick has the audacity to ban someone from a city? Are you the police? No? Then you can’t tell me where to live. And furthermore, what kind of loser is like, “K, I’ll leave because you, some person who has no power over how I live my life, say so”? That’s such a weak exit on the writers’ end for one of the only characters I actually liked. The books did Jenny way more justice by showing us her downward spiral riddled with illicit drugs and rockstars, only to be expelled and sent off to boarding school.
Everything About Dan
The worst change that was made to Dan is that he was Gossip Girl the entire time. And then what’s up with the writers being like, “Okay, the characters can be miffed but Dan is welcomed with open arms five minutes later.” That sh*t doesn’t make sense. His relationships on the show were almost as terrible as him running a blog so stalkerish it would put Joe Goldberg from You to shame. Serena and Dan dated very briefly in the books, but broke up when they realized their relationship has zero depth. In the TV series, they break up a bunch but end up getting married in spite of their entire relationship consisting of gossiping about drama, creating drama themselves, and having extended eye contact as music swells in the background. That kind of relationship ultimately has no depth either, but was way more torturous to be drawn out for years. Novel Blair and novel Dan hate each other or don’t even acknowledge each other the entire time. TV Dan and Blair hated each other initially but ended up having like, the healthiest relationship on the show. Why didn’t they end up together again? Novel Dan’s biggest relationship was his on-again-off-again relationship with his bestie Vanessa (who shaved her head bald in that world). In the TV show, he just dates Vanessa very briefly after a threesome with Lizzie McGuire and they decide they’re better off as friends.
TL;DR Everything about Dan sucked in the series because it just made him have as much depth as a martini glass. Novel Dan at least had redeeming qualities and—get this—had some character development.
The Blair-Serena-Nate Love Triangle
The TV series just made it seemed like Nate was riding a merry-go-round of hookups and high school romances with zero depth. He did date Serena and Blair, but neither of those relationships were as profound as the girls’ other relationships. They didn’t even give him a happy ending by giving him a soulmate, which is honestly the most realistic part of the show because literally 95% of 30-something-year-old NYC guys don’t find someone they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with. Shout-out to Josh Schwartz for being realistic for one time in any of his TV shows!
But novel Nate actually did volley between Serena and Blair throughout the entire book series because he was in love with both of them, and had a couple of hookups in between. He didn’t want to get in the way of their friendship and so he sailed around the world with a family friend. Again, this is totally realistic because guys will do anything to avoid confrontation and dealing with their issues. So, in both different instances, he’s a typical boy, but his love triangle with Blair and Serena was way better than Blair and Serena having sh*tty relationships with Chuck and Dan. I was more emotionally invested in the love triangle because they all genuinely seemed to love each other, and it was hard to see how that relationship would’ve worked itself out, which makes it juicier.
Images: Giphy (4)
The early 2000s were a magical time of Abercrombie miniskirts, chunky highlights, weird tiny vests, and of course, some of the trashiest reality TV that has ever existed. There was nothing better than gasping in horror at that week’s episode of A Shot at Love and posting about it on Myspace, where you’ve been friends with Tila Tequila for like, ever. Or watching Viva La Bam at your boyfriend’s house after school and losing your sh*t at the many hilarious pranks they pulled. Who didn’t have a crush on Ashton Kutcher after seeing him be so funny and charming on Punk’d? Simpler times. Now that we’re almost to the 2020s (wtf?), what’s become of our favorite trash reality TV stars? I did some research.
Forget about the Kardashians, we have The Osbournes to thank for reality TV as it is today. This was the most popular MTV show of all time, and from what I remember, it consisted of Sharon yelling at Ozzy, Ozzy mumbling incoherently, lots of bleeping, and their goth vampire children Jack and Kelly. Also, there is a third child, Aimee, that the family pretended didn’t exist on camera, which I think is so weird and hilarious. Since the show, Ozzy, in typical rock star fashion, f*cked his hair stylist, leading him and Sharon to separate, then reconcile. then renew their vows. Ozzy, Kelly, and Jack all had issues with drugs and alcohol, and are all currently sober. Ozzy was recently hospitalized for complications from the flu, but is doing okay now. TBH, how is that man even alive?
Jack has two kids, deals with MS now (which is extremely sad), and is on a TV show I’ve literally never heard of with Ozzy called Ozzy & Jack’s World Detour. Apparently they go around the world and talk about history? That’s who I want as a history teacher, The Prince of Darkness that I can’t even f*cking understand. Kelly put down the eyeliner and has evolved into a TV personality, style icon, and a judge on Project Runway Junior. Sharon is a host on The Talk, which I can’t believe is still on.
‘The Girls Next Door’
The Girls Next Door was total trash, following Hugh Hefner’s current favorite girlfriends and their lives at the Playboy mansion. It was a lot of bikinis and photoshoots, from what I recall. The show originally starred Holly Madison, Bridget Marquardt, and Kendra Wilkinson. There were eventually replaced with even younger blonde versions for the final season. Anyway, all three OG girlfriends got their own spin-offs from this dumpster fire, so I guess it was a solid career move on their parts. Holly Madison was the “main” girlfriend, and later wrote a book (that I definitely read in college) exposing Hef’s abuse, the drugs, and the super creepy group sex with Hef. F*cking yikes. She is now married, has a kid named Rainbow (wtf), and had a Vegas burlesque show. Bridget Marquardt was always the one who seemed to be there for no reason, and she didn’t seem to know why she was there either. She’s now married and trying to get pregnant, so good for her. As for Kendra Wilkinson, her trash husband very publicly cheated on her in 2014 with a prostitute. They milked it heavily for their own reality spin-off, Kendra On Top, and later, Marriage Boot Camp. Shockingly, cheating men just need to be thrown away, and they couldn’t work it out. Their divorce became final last month. Kendra has recently been spotted with none other than THE CHAD from The Bachelor franchise. She really knows how to pick them.
‘A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila’
Why was everyone friends with Tila Tequila on Myspace before this show even happened? Like, what need did I have in my adolescence to be internet friends with random adult women? We all were friends with her and that one makeup artist chick whose name was like ForBIddEn (or something—what happened to her, did she die?). It was a weird time. Anyway, soon after, Tila got her own dating show, which was super groundbreaking because ~gasp~ Tila was bisexual. This was huge in the reality TV world, and therefore Tila was able to find the thirstiest people alive of both sexes for it. BTW, I have no memory of any of these contestants, but Wikipedia has a chart with why each one got eliminated, which is hysterical. After the show, Tila’s life went insane. She attempted suicide a few times, overdosed, did porn, claimed to have superpowers, decided she was an alien, became a Nazi, then claimed to be Hitler reincarnated, had a child, dressed that child up as Hitler, openly supported Trump, announced that the Earth was flat, said a bunch of more Nazi stuff, got into Satanic rituals, and then had another baby. So. She’s been busy. Also, someone please call CPS.
On Punk’d, Ashton Kutcher revealed that he wasn’t just attractive, but also super funny. I loved watching him make celebrities like Justin Timberlake or Frankie Muniz cry. Ashton had a slew of actors on the show that would help with pranks, but I remember Dax Shepard and Ryan Pinkston the most. As everyone knows, Ashton went on to have a continually successful acting career, and ended up marrying and having kids with his That ’70s Show love interest, Mila Kunis. Dax also became a successful actor and married the most adorable person and sloth lover in the world, Kristen Bell, and they have two kids. And tiny Ryan Pinkston was an extra one time on Hannah Montana and then faded into the abyss. So. Not as good as the other two. Apparently BJ Novak got his start on Punk’d too, yet I have no memory of him on it??? Anyway, everything also worked out from him, from his successful writing/acting career, The Office, and also possibly impregnating Mindy Kaling, whom I adore.
‘Viva La Bam’
This show was mostly skateboarding and pranks. I only watched because I thought Bam Margera was super hot, thus proving that I always had sh*t taste in men. He was borderline abusive to his parents and his uncle, but that part is actually fine in retrospect, as the uncle went on to be a f*cking pedophile. Bam also made a really big deal of his wedding to Missy Rothstein. It had its own MTV special called Bam’s Unholy Union. They divorced five years later due to Bam’s cheating, surprising no one. Since the show ended, Bam’s life has been a mess of DUIs, arrests, rehab, herpes, meltdowns, and public fights. Just last week, Bam was supposed to perform at a comedy club, but it got canceled because he got in a fight with his current wife. She stole his credit cards, he filmed a video calling her a “street ho”, and then he threatened his manager. He subsequently threw a tantrum because there weren’t enough people at his show, but it was several hours before it was supposed to start. The club canceled his gig, and as of yesterday, Bam is on his way to his third stint in rehab. Okay, see, this is exactly why I don’t date.
Images: MTV (3), Amazon, Giphy
Don’t lie and say you haven’t binge watched dozens of TV shows. From those shows, you’ve definitely learned your fair share of good and bad dating advice. Characters like Ross and Rory can teach you what not to do in a relationship and avoid being the “Divorce Force.” Here is a list of the worst dating advice from our favorite TV shows. Yes, it’s the ones you love that can do the most damage sometimes.
The Lesson: Marrying someone when you’re in love with someone else
In all honesty, I could write an entire article about the shitty relationship advice given by Ross Geller alone. But in my opinion, the absolute worst dating advice that was shown in Friends would be Ross marrying Emily while still being in love with Rachel. To prevent you from saying the wrong name at the altar (or getting another divorce), don’t take Ross’ advice and marry someone if you are in love with someone else as well.
The Lesson: Don’t change what you look like for a guy (or act like an idiot).
Another Friends reference, and I’m not even sorry. This time, surprisingly, it doesn’t have to do with Ross. After Chandler made a comment about Monica’s weight one Thanksgiving as teenagers, she lost it all and made Fat Monica a thing of the past. That’s the first example of the worst dating advice from this episode. Second example of bad dating advice is Rachel’s technique to get Chandler to like Monica. She tells her to act like everything turns her on. This inevitably results in Monica looking like an idiot and Chandler losing a portion of his toe. So what did we learn, class? Don’t change your appearance just to please a guy and don’t take your friend’s advice to act like an idiot.
3. ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’
The Lesson: Know when your relationship is over.
Like Ross, Larry definitely isn’t the one to model your relationship behaviors after. The worst dating advice he gave on his TV show came in the form of his inability to let go of his ended marriage. Larry casts his ex-wife in a TV show he is producing in efforts to win her back. It wasn’t a great idea for Larry, and it shouldn’t be something you try at home, either. To be fair, sometimes getting back with your ex is a good idea. For me and my boyfriend (who was once an ex), “if at first, you don’t succeed, date again” is our motto, but that defs doesn’t work for everyone. If your relationship isn’t working, call it quits and don’t try to win them back if there is no hope.
4. ‘Sex and the City’
The Lesson: Men cheat because they can (and are the same as dogs).
In the wise words of Samantha, “Men cheat for the same reason dogs lick their balls: because they can. It’s part of their biology. Instead of wasting all this energy condemning it, maybe it’s time we all got in line with the reality of the situation.” Well, that’s
partially not true. Samantha’s excuse for why men cheat is not okay. Men who cheat are assholes. Don’t compare them to cute dogs, and don’t excuse sh*tty behavior with some half-baked biological excuse—men are already doing enough of that on PUA subreddits.
5. ‘Gossip Girl’
The Lesson: Dating a guy after he spreads your secrets
*Major Spoiler Alert Warning* Even though Serena knew that Dan was the one who spread all her secrets across her high school, she still dated him. Major red flag! Gossip Girl was essentially just talking sh*t about everyone, including his girlfriend. That’s not okay!!! If a guy talks shit about you behind your back (or publicly online), end it ASAP. That is probably the worst dating advice Serena could ever tell anyone —“Oh, yeah he spread a rumor that I had an STD but it’s okay, I still love him.”
6. ‘Gilmore Girls’
The Lesson: Don’t drag your boyfriend along when you’re interested in someone else.
Rory is undoubtedly a smart girl, but when it comes to relationships, she definitely isn’t top of her class. When she was still with Dean, she was majorly crushing on Jess. She let her relationship with Dean go on and on and on until he inevitably broke up with her because he knew she was in love with Jess. Don’t be like Rory (in this sense). Do your guy a favor and don’t string him along when you are interested in someone else. It’s just plain rude.
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Celebrities, they’re just like us. They eat, sleep, and have questionable dating pasts. Celebrities constantly break up and get back together, making it hard to keep track of who dated whom. Just like your friends who never fail to bring up your relationship mistakes, I am here to remind you of the weirdest celebrity couples you never knew dated (or you completely forgot).
1. Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin
I think this is probably one of the weirdest celebrity couples on our list, if not the weirdest. Not only did Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin date, but they were together for eight years! I know, right! Their relationship ran from 2002 to 2011, starting when she was just 19 and he was 22 years old, taking up a major chunk of their adolescent lives. Although their relationship may seem random af now, it wasn’t so strange when it began. Culkin was still ridiculously famous from his Home Alone days, while Kunis was staring in That’s 70s Show. They were basically teenage royalty, a celebrity power couple if you will. But tbh, it’s hard to imagine a time when The KuKus weren’t a thing.
2. Tom Cruise and Cher
Oh baby, this couple was a strange one. Back in the 80s, these two (with a 16 year age difference, might I add) had a fling. Cher has said that Cruise is “one of top five former lovers,” so good for you, buddy. But I can’t help but wonder if that got his ego going, resulting in his downward Ross Geller-inspired spiral of marrying, divorcing, repeating? But hey, who am I to judge? At least Cher got Tom pre-Scientology.
3. Ryan Gosling and Sandra Bullock
Another odd that made it onto our list of weirdest celebrity couples is Ryan Gosling and Sandra Bullock, with another 16 year age difference. Why is 16 the magic number?? Anyway, back in 2002 these two had a year-long relationship before Gosling married Eva Mendes in 2011 and Bullock married Bryan Randall in 2015. Though their fling was short-lived, Gosling did say that Bullock was one of the best girlfriends he ever had. Aw.
4. Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd
Rachel and Mike? WTF. Girl code specifically states that “one should not date their best friend’s past or current boyfriend or husband” (or something like that). The fact that Jennifer Aniston dated Phoebe Buffay’s husband is soooo not okay. The two dated while filming The Object of my Affection in 1998. Although Phoebe and Mike didn’t start dating until 2002 (Season 9, episode 3), it just seems wrong for all us Friends fans out there.
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The day we have all been waiting for has finally arrived! He is risen! And by he, I mean The Situation because today officially marks the reboot of beloved reality TV show, Jersey Shore. Somehow, MTV convinced seven of the Jersey Shore cast members to come back for a season of debauchery that’s sure to ruin their relationships, their vital organs, and most likely, their real lives. What, DJ’ing at pool parties in Atlantic City not paying the bills anymore, Pauly D? Whatever the sad reason is they agreed to do this, it’s great news for us because we get to see our favorite group of morons bring shame on their families and my beautiful state of New Jersey yet again.
So, in anticipation of tonight’s episode, I wanted to do a roundup of best moments on the show. But I thought the word “best” doesn’t really quite go with this group unless you’re saying like “best at getting caught for tax evasion,” or “best at packing all their belongings in a garbage bag.” I wanted to do a round up that felt a little more authentic. And what better moment to base this roundup on then the iconic moment in season one when Snooki gets punched in the face?
Now, I definitely don’t think Snooki deserved to get punched in the face and I’m not here to promote violence against women, so leave me alone in the comments you sensitive bitches, all right? But I am here to say that all the roommates had a lifetime moment when I wanted to punch them in the face. So make yourself a batch of Ron-Ron Juice *not a euphemism for his semen* and settle in folks, because I’m about to round up each Jersey Shore cast member’s most punchable moment from the original Jersey Shore.
Let’s start out with Ronnie, since he was probably never picked first for anything in his life except in a police lineup. Ronnie deserved a punch in the face (and got one), for how he treated Sammi most of the time, but you all know his most punchable moment well. In season 3, after Sammi goes to the club and dances with other dudes to make Ron jealous, he starts throwing all her stuff outside including her mattress, all the while they are threatening each other. Not only does Ronnie seem like he’s going to attack Sammi, but he also starts screaming “You never cooked for me!!” Whoa whoa whoa Ron, this is the 90’s. It’s civil rights. If that were the criteria for being a girlfriend, I’d have slept on way more mattresses outside. Basically, it’s no surprise that Sammi turned down this new season—it probably took years of therapy to get her mind right after the way this chauvinistic meat head treated her.
As I mentioned, Snooki does actually get punched in the fourth episode of the series by a teacher from New York. Children are the future, folks—so glad we entrust their sensitive development to people like this. While no woman deserves to be punched by a dude in a bar, Snooki sure was testing my patience when the series started. She wasn’t always the lovable meatball who can’t find the beach right in front of her. When Snooki first got to the house, she came on way too strong. Like, stronger than the Axe body spray polluting the air in that house. Snooki took enough tequila shots to tranquilize a small horse and then proceeded to dry hump anything in the house with a pulse. So I guess I didn’t want to punch her so much as call her mom. Lucky for Snooki, the group finally warmed up to her, she didn’t have to leave the house, and the world was never deprived of this self-proclaimed “good person”.
The most punchable thing about Jenni is her nickname, tbh. Why so many w’s? Your Starbucks barista is never getting that right. But, since I have to pick a moment I wanted to punch her, I have to mention the time Jenni pees behind the bar in Karma. As someone who spends the majority of my time in a city that reeks of urine, this moment is very triggering for me. Must the entire world be our bathroom? Actual bathrooms exist! Tell your friends!
If JWoww has the most punchable name, then The Situation has the most punchable face. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Like, I think a punch and the resulting reconstructive surgery might help him out a lot. Anyway, Mike was always stirring up shit in the house, so it’s hard to pick his worst moment. I wanted to punch him when he was trying to hook up with Snooki in Italy, I wanted to punch him when he tells Jionni he did hook up with Snooki, and he clearly wanted to punch himself that time he head-butted the wall. Thanks for saving me the work, Mike!
I mostly like Pauly D, as much as one can like a dude with a gelled blowout and unintelligible accent, but he really did women wrong on this show. I especially felt for the woman he dubbed his “Israeli Stalker” in the first season. So she bought you a T-shirt and called your house a few times, and showed up at the club? POOR PAULY. If that’s stalking, put me in jail right now and take my “recent calls” log in my phone for evidence. At least it will get me out of work for the day, and maybe I can get a hot cop’s number to call 95 times.
MTV has been airing a lot of specials leading up to this new season of Jersey Shore, and I have to admit, Vinny is looking good. Is this embarrassing? Should I have kept this information between myself and my diary? Please disregard. Vinny’s worst moment on the show comes early when he sleeps with the boss/landlord’s girlfriend in season one. Vinny! Everyone knows you don’t shit where you eat. You deserve a punch for being so stupid. Vinny goes to work terrified he’s getting evicted, but Danny just gives him a warning. Clearly Danny’s girlfriend doesn’t cook for him either, because he should be wayyyyy more pissed.
Yes, I did say the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet is not returning this time around, but I couldn’t write this roundup without throwing a little “Ron STAHHHHP” at you.
And there you have it! I didn’t include Deena on this roundup because she wasn’t an original Jersey Shore cast member—if you’re dying to know her worst moments, feel free to slave over the Wikipedia page like I just did. All I can say is I hope the moments I mentioned here pale in comparison to how much I want to punch them all tonight. Cabs are here!
I’m really fucking annoyed right now. For multiple reasons. First off, I haven’t had an open Thursday night since like, the 90s, all thanks to Shonda fucking Rhimes and her life-ruining, ugly-crying, unrealistically stupid medical drama show that I’ve been sucked into watching for like, 87 years straight. I’m obviously talking about Grey’s Anatomy.
And while we’re on the topic of this being my favorite show that I unapologetically refuse to stop watching, I was so excited to write a #TBT post about Grey’s Anatomy. But the fact that Shonda somehow managed to not kill off every character and continues to make me loathe 90% of them for 13 seasons (AND COUNTING) officially cancels out the whole “#TBT” aspect. So essentially, this is now just like, another dumb present-day recap. Kinda like that annoying chick that posts a #TBT pic about her vacation she got back from three hours ago. But whatever, no one’s twisting your arm and forcing you to read about the actual worst characters on this show, just like no one’s twisting my arm and forcing me to invest more time into a fictional wasteland than I ever have in anything that actually matters in life, but here we are.
10. Ava/Rebecca/Whoever The Fuck
Ok, the bitch had issues. It’s no fucking mystery. But to change your name, pretend you “don’t remember” shit about your life in order for the biggest fuckboy to roam the halls of Seattle Grace to take one glance at you, and then try to kill yourself in the comfort of his own home? That is some fucked up Stage-5, 13 Reasons Why baby-back bullshit. Doesn’t she know that most people in L.A. would KILL to have facial reconstructive surgery? Like, be grateful for what you have and quit the pity party. TBH, the only reason she’s the least annoying is because she’s obvi mental patient status and I have to at least act like I have a heart.
Annoyance level: Girl who shares a social media account with her boyfriend.
9. Miranda Bailey
Congrats to Bailey for not entirely making me want to rip my weave out, but the more seasons in this goddamn series, the more she’s beginning to piss me off. I thrived off Bailey’s sass and take-no-BS attitude with a secret soft side in the beginning of the series. But apparently now she just can’t handle super unfortunate things in her life, like her uncontrollable sexual desires or her intolerance for like, every human ever, which are things I only strive to achieve. Build me a fucking bridge, Bailey.
Annoyance level: Friend who bitches about being broke when she just booked a three-week Euro trip.
8. April Kepner
April made me contemplate taking a pencil to my eyeball when she first came on, and later KEPT coming on, and then she got a little better I guess. She blames everyone else for her garbage decisions (same), like the time she blamed failing her board exam on Jackson. I take full responsibility for my C average in college due attending toga frat parties on the reg. It’s called acceptance. And who the fuck leaves a guy like Jesse Williams (who’s capable dicking down any specimen with a vagina of his choosing) to go overseas and refuses to return? On second thought, stay there, Kep. You’re cancelled.
Annoyance level: Girl who reminds the teacher you have homework due two minutes before class ends.
7. Maggie Pierce
Maggie comes in as Lexi’s replacement, which is like, what’s the lesser of two annoyings? Truthfully, IDK. Her incessant need to babble on about IDK what lands her at the No. 7 spot because she’s like that girl you reply “that’s crazy” to, which is the universal term for, “I literally tuned you out 12 minutes ago,” but she evidently doesn’t get the hint and still rambles on. Bitch needs to sit down and maybe roll a fatty to chill the fuck out, but she does throw a mean right hook, so four for you, Mags.
Annoyance level: Uber driver who shares his life story.
6. Erica Hahn
Someone get this bitch a hug stat. Or a dick. Wait, I think she was a lesbian? Regardless, Erica had a stick up her ass throughout her entire existence, but the only thing she had going for her was her rivalry with that fucktard Burke. She was good at what she did, but clearly being a good doctor is like the 12th most important thing on the checklist when it comes to Seattle Grace employees, considering they all pretty much could have avoided killing their patients. Bottom line is she was just annoying as fuck, and served no purpose other than to give me chronic forehead wrinkles from scrunching my face in disgust for like, three entire seasons.
Annoyance level: Girl who irks you by simply existing and you can’t pinpoint why.
5. Reed Adamson
Reed and her dumb Keebler Elf haircut need to get that shit out of George’s cubby like, yesterday. Has this bitch any respect? First off, she’s like that exchange student from the rival high school who thinks she’s hot shit because she hailed from the east side, but really nobody gives a fuck. She also went full Regina George and snaked her way into relationships by playing Alex and hooking up with Mark while he was with someone. Close your goddamn legs and get a new hairstylist, Reed.
Annoyance level: Villain on The Bachelor who says she’s not here to make friends.
4. Izzie Stevens
Never forget that Izzie literally killed someone in the name of love. It’s like the modern-day Romeo and Juliet, except that it’s not because instead of sacrificing herself, she literally committed a crime that should’ve landed her life in prison. Is it weird that I feel like this is something the actual Katherine Heigl would do? IDK, she just gives off that vibe. Like, ok, the Denny Duquette love story literally left my soul in a puddle of mush, but lest we also not forget that not only did Izzie jack someone’s heart, she also stole someone else’s husband and left her own. The only reason why Izzie isn’t further down this list is because I don’t have enough Xanax to tolerate another bitchy Kath Heigl rom-com character who miraculously cons the hot guy into falling for her.
Annoyance level: Friend who falls off the face of the Earth after getting a boyfriend.
3. Preston Burke
Don’t even get me started on Preston fucking Burke. I curse the day this fuckboy was born. He literally pulled the biggest jackass rule in the book à la Mr. Big and left Christina Yang on her wedding day at the altar. He really couldn’t do this 12 hours prior? Pretty sure he also pushed her into everything else in their fucked-up relationship, too. But probably the worst part about all of this is that Burke’s mom stripped Christina of the one thing on a woman you never dare to fuck with: her eyebrows. If it isn’t apparent by now, there’s a special place in hell for the Burke clan.
Annoyance level: Mr. Big leaving Carrie Bradshaw on their wedding day.
2. Arizona Robbins
Is it some sort of rule that once you become crippled, disabled, and/or over the age of 65, you’re just allowed to be a dick for no apparent reason? Because sign me the fuck up. But seriously, Arizona Robbins used to be a Shonda fave until she blamed Callie for chopping off her leg (which fucking SAVED HER LIFE, but nbd) and went AWOL on everyone by cheating on Callie with P-Sawyer to like, get back at her or some shit. Way to fucking go, AZ. On that note, who the fuck names their kid Arizona? No wonder this bitch is batshit.
Annoyance level: Regina George telling Cady she’d “talk” to Aaron Samuels for her.
1. Meredith Grey
Fucking duh, Meredith earns the top spot on this list—not even her therapist can tolerate her. And I swear to god, if she refers to herself as dark and twisty one more time, I’m quitting #SHIT night. That’s actually fake news, but it’s the thought. Like sure, she’s been through hell and back, but that was like, a few seasons in. Mer had no excuse for being a whiny, semi-selfish bad friend the first couple years at Seattle Grace. Also, who sleeps with their best guy friend knowing she’ll regret it in the morning? I mean, me, but that’s beside the point. And then she didn’t even tell Derek’s sisters she took him off life support and just peaced the fuck out for a year. She’s like that friend you only call when you’re feeling like shit, because you know she’ll already have something to bitch about, too. TBH, I would’ve given Meredith a break had she not taken Derek’s tumor drawing out of her room. Sorry, Mer, you’re in the prime annoyance spot for life.
Annoyance level: Every year ABC announces Grey’s Anatomy is renewed for another season.
Parks and Rec is one of the greatest shows of all time, and if you don’t agree, you can fight me—in the comments section or literally, whichever you prefer. Case in point: We are literally living in one giant episode of Parks and Rec with a president who makes Jeremy Jamm look like fucking Elizabeth Warren. But I’m not here to talk about how our political arena has basically descended into one giant parody that’s actually real. Not today, anyway. One of the biggest mysteries throughout Parks and Rec is how Jerry Gergich, the lovable klutz who’s not exactly a looker, ended up with Gayle, who is hotter at age 60 than I am right now at age 26. Seriously, it baffles everybody.
Here is Ben trying, in vain, to explain how Gayle and Jerry got together:
No one in the entire series can wrap their head around it, but I know why and how Gayle chose Jerry Gergich aka Garry Gergich, and it’s actually very simple. Before I divulge my theory, I’d just like to say that I’ve been sitting on this for years but have only just typed it all out now, so I hope nobody’s beaten me to the punch. Anyway.
Let’s look at the facts. First of all, despite being a bumbling idiot at work, Jerry is a very confident and self-assured guy when he’s comfortable. Just think about the scene where he’s in his element, and home having breakfast with his family. (I tried in vain to find a Youtube clip, so I’ll just have to do this the old-fashioned way and describe it with my words.) Jerry and his family cheerily sing the “Eggs, Bacon and Toast” breakfast song. At one point, Jerry even tosses a mug up into the air, watches it flip around a bunch of times, and then catches it seamlessly. Leslie is shocked. But she shouldn’t be. When Jerry is comfortable, he’s a fun-loving and, dare I say, smooth guy. That’s number one.
Number two is that Jerry is probably the nicest guy on the planet. Think about if you’re Gayle, you’ve been hot your whole life and probably dealt with a bunch of assholes. Then confident Jerry comes along and, wait, he’s actually the sweetest guy ever who’d never harm a fly? Jerry is constantly made fun of, and not only does he never care, he’s a really good sport in the face of constant mockery. Just look to the scene where Jerry gets demoted when he’s only a few years from retirement. Does he get upset? No, he’s Jerry—he finds the silver lining even in getting a pay cut. Again, I WOULD have embedded a video, but NBC really has a lock on Parks and Rec videos. Damn it. Anyway, so here’s the gist: Jerry interviews for the Animal Control job. Over the course of the interview, it comes out that the college Jerry went to is now a four-year college, but was only a two-year college during his attendance. Hence, he never graduated from a four-year college, which technically makes him unqualified for his current job. Follow me? Cool. April says, “You’re fired!” Then Chris says, “You’re not fired, but we’re definitely going to have to lower your salary.” Jerry says, “Oh, well fair is fair,” and chuckles. See? Jerry could be a more positive person than even Chris. He’s low-key a gem.
Third, there’s one point in some episode my friend just reminded me where Jerry says that he used to look like Chris before he had kids. So maybe when Gayle met Jerry, he was hot and he just let himself go as he got older. People do that, you know.
But the real kicker comes in a one-off in the episode where all the men in Pawnee are sending Ann photos of their junk because she correctly diagnosed one guy as having mumps by looking at his dick pic. Are you ready for it? Because this explains everything.
Game, set, match. Suddenly it all makes sense. You are all very welcome.