Listen, 2017 is a complete shit show—I’m just stating the obvious. Our climate is about to fucking combust, “covfefe” is making its way into Webster’s as we speak, and I have yet to get laid this year. But thanks to the longest trending social media holiday that is #ThrowbackThursday, we now thrive solely by hanging onto the past. Every week when the clock strikes desperate, the self-indulged low-lifes come out to play, parading their memories of happier times from way back when, when hangovers didn’t last 24 hours and a “burning itch” was nothing more than a casual bug bite.
You’re either one of two people: You genuinely loathe #TBT and stay the fuck away from Instagram at all costs each Thursday, or you genuinely loathe #TBT until your friend sends you unseen photos from her wedding last year where your ass was on fire in that un-breathable mini dress (HELLO, 200 LIKE CLUB). Also you’re a fucking liar if you think you’re the first one. But believe it or not, that 6-month-old photo you’ve been harboring for almost an entire week speaks volumes about your present state of self-loathing and how much of a narcissistic asshole you really are (I say this as though I don’t already have a TBT pic and a caption lined up this week). So maybe you should hold off on tacking on a #TBT to last week’s photo until you read what I’m about to preach.
The Baby TBT Photo
Look, I get it. I was also a cute fucking kid and I think it’s important for my future husband to know that our gene pool is in good hands. The baby photo is the OG #TBT that started it all, and a totally validated post, but it’s also the most commonly misused. You really can’t hate on a photo of a baby unless it’s THAT ugly, so even if you turned out to be a complete piece of shit, you’ll get likes. On the other hand, girls who post topless baby photos with captions like “clearly I hate wearing clothes lol” are the reason I booze. It’s a tease and it’s also thirsty as fuck. Stick to your Princess Jasmine Halloween photos and we’ll be gravy.
The 5-Day-Old TBT Photo
Ok now you’re just being a greedy bitch. We saw from your last 12 Coachella photos posted in one weekend that your Adderall binge CrossFit Groupon paid off this year, but at least give us some time to act like we miss seeing you try to disguise your ecstasy trip by wearing nothing but nipple pasties. Posting a photo you took a week ago is like the return of American Idol. 1) Nobody fucking asked for it because 2) After the first four, everyone stopped giving a shit. Plus, give Seacrest a fucking break. He deserves it. Anyway, I’ll be the first to admit that the importance of showcasing every outfit is crucial to your social status, but like, enough. You could try #LaterGram.
The “Used-To-Be” TBT Photo
Quick question for you: WHY? Everyone loves a good success story, but that’s not the same as successfully hitting your peak 6 years ago. Honestly, I have better things to do than give you a lesson on how to properly Instagram, but I’ll do it because I’m such a good friend. TBTs were invented as cold, hard evidence that you survived the monstrosity that is puberty without getting beat up for rocking a heinous bowl cut until 6th grade. By posting middle school pics of you looking anything but heinous, you’re voluntarily setting yourself up for comments like “OMG you were so pretty!” Key word being WERE. Real talk, you’re just making us all feel awkward, and it’s too early to start drinking.
The “Take Me Back” Family Vacation TBT Photo
On a completely opposite note, I am now shamefully able to recite back each and every menu item and drink special at the Sandals Royal Bahamian resort, thanks to that tropical vacation you keep asking us to give a shit about. This is the type of betch who thinks she has some sort of brand deal on Instagram and tags every single article of clothing. K, you’re not JoJo Fletcher. If you really felt the need to continually remind us of how awesome you look in a bikini, do as us normal Instagram narcs do and post a fucking selfie. And “#TakeMeBack?” Bitch, you just spent a whole week mooching off your parents’ dime. Sit the fuck down. P.S. If I have to see another pensive gaze out into the ocean with your bikini bottoms riding up your ass on full display, I’m going to lose my shit.
The Non-Thursday TBT Photo
Fine, I’ll make my peace with Throwback Thursday, and tbh Flashback Friday is even pushing it, but stop trying to make #MonthsAgoMonday and #ShitThatWasForeverAgoSunday happen. They’re not going to happen. If you couldn’t already tell, this type of person is crazy af. A petty betch has one sole purpose for creating a bullshit hashtag just to post a picture and that’s because she’s testing some poor naïve soul who doesn’t know he’s being tested. One the one hand, it’s genius. On the other, it’s fucking annoying. She could give two shits about the ratio of likes per hour because she’s more concerned with refreshing the following tab to find he liked some other thot’s photo instead of her super original mid-air jump in Cabo last year. Earth to Matilda: He’s just not that into you. Slow clap for the effort, but like, keep us out of your petty fuckery, ya know?
The Selfie TBT Photo
The rules of #TBT are simple and finite: If you’re gonna post a picture of just yourself on a Thursday, make sure it’s from a different era of your life. Like when Titanic was on a double VHS. Since this person fools literally nobody into distracting people from the real self-absorbed reason for posting, I’m gonna take a shot in the dark and say that they’re also probably the type of idiot who poses in a slutty bikini with the caption, “Happy Veteran’s Day!” Like, people died for you and all you can give in return is a tiny glimpse of areola? Have some manners. Also, the word “selfie” alone was just added to the Oxford Dictionary like yesterday, so a #TBT selfie should not be a thing. It just shouldn’t.