To the bride-to-be and the wedding planner who should be fired, like yesterday,
Remember that one time we jetted off to Vegas over Labor Day weekend on half a tank of gas, $62 in our pockets, and stolen borrowed whore-ish excuses for dresses from your sister’s closet? One of the most (err, least?) memorable weekends, right? K, now ask me what exciting adventure I have penciled in this year. Oh wait – you already did, in the form of overpriced card stock with an option of chicken or fish.
I don’t mean this letter to come off bitchy, but I also don’t mean for you to actually read it. But as my good friend, if there’s anything you should know about me, it’s that if there’s one thing I love more than getting obliterated on your dad’s dime celebrating my good friend’s love and happiness, it’s taking time to celebrate winning my sixth round of beer pong in a row the freedom I was given by the people who sacrificed their lives for me… or something like that. *Googles “meaning of Labor Day”*
In hindsight, your holiday weekend wedding probably sounded like the perfect idea—sure, it’s double the celebration, back-to-back scheduled daily activities, and your guests can take one less day off of work, but the one day a year dedicated to you probably shouldn’t also be a day that’s dedicated to thirsty Instagram hoes in flag bikinis the working class. So it’s time I let you in on the cold hard truth. Holiday weekend weddings are fucking miserable, and before you come up with a list of reasons why I’m wrong, and slightly selfish but mostly bitter, I’m like three steps ahead of you:
“But you already have an extra day off work!”
Let’s just set one thing straight here—you get ONE wedding day (unless you’re me, and planning on marrying the second time around for monetary purposes, but I digress). You’re not 16 again and able to call dibs on a month-long celebration. Weekend-long weddings are an excuse for weekend-long activities that do not include me spending my precious Monday off at a hotel brunch with Aunt Karen and Uncle Bill as I try to recall whether or not I actually did flash my left boob at the bartender for a double shot.
“But everyone else will probably be on vacation anyway!”
Maybe you haven’t heard of a little thing called holiday weekend in rush hour traffic on the 405 freeway, but everyone else on the Western hemisphere kicking off their vacation at the same time on what seems like the same goddamn highway, is just about as nauseating as the three-day hangover I was about to happily indulge in. Not to mention the jacked-up cost of holiday travel and borderline-slutty wedding outfits for each activity that equals out to like, a shit ton of money I don’t have, and that’s before the gift. If I’m being honest, I had really only budgeted for one polka-dot Kate Spade serving dish.
“But you don’t have to scramble to make holiday plans!”
Am I missing something? What was that about “making plans”? Idk if you just misheard or if the sound of Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years” has been mutilating your ears since you got engaged, but I have a FREE DAY OFF. “Free” as in a paid vacation. “Free” as in not having to squeeze into Spanx on a Monday while plotting Linda from reception’s death after hearing that godawful “good morning” greeting. That kind of “free.” These kinds of things come around as often as that eclipse that blinded half of America’s biggest idiots (or so it seems), so the only thing I’ll be scrambling for in the coming days, with the exception of a Sunday brunch blackout, is a menu of newly released Netflix shows on my binge list.
“But it’ll be so fun to ring in a special holiday all together!”
I hate to break it to you, but New Year’s Eve is not all about the #AlwaysAndForEvans wedding for as long as I shall live. I, for one, don’t want to have to think about the groomsman’s unfortunate case of whiskey dick every new year for the rest of my life once the clock strikes 12. That also means that every holiday will be overshadowed by your anniversary, and I’m not the slightest willing in the right head space to make that sort of commitment. So I think I speak for every other human with a questionably high alcohol tolerance life when I politely recommend that you quit trying to hijack our three-day holiday weeken—
“But it’s open bar!”
Ugh fine, put me down for the grilled chicken.
Seriously though, it is open bar, right?
So your Presidents Day Weekend was anything but presidential, and you basically spent the whole time alternating between being blackout drunk and violently hungover. I mean, Monday was obviously just another day to avoid the harsh realities of sober everyday life, so we get it, but now you’re dealing with the consequences. After three days straight of living off vodka and the sugary syrup from your bottomless brunch mimosas (sorry, that drop of OJ doesn’t count as fruit), you’re in need for a major detox this week. Here’s what you need to do:
1. Drink All The Water
You’re probably sick of hearing us tell you to chug water every time you punish your body with fast food and alcohol, but that’s because it fucking works. Water should be your best friend for the next few days, so drop the Diet Coke and the Gatorade, and start drinking water—three liters a day. Water will help you get your body back on track by detoxing your liver and your digestive system, and it’ll even help clear up your skin. It’s zero calories. Just drink it.
2. Add Turmeric To Your Food
If the extent of your kitchen’s spice collection stops at a few Splenda packets, it’s time to stock up on some big-girl ingredients, and your first one should be turmeric. Turmeric is an anti-inflammatory agent, so it will reduce bloating and any stomach discomfort you’re dealing with right now. It’s a game-changer when it comes to a post-drinking stomachache, so put down the Advil and add some healthy spice to your food. Not to sound like one of your highschool married friends on Facebook, but this shit really works.
3. Load Up On Watermelon, Cucumber, And Lemon
Fruit-infused waters aren’t only meant for mommy Pinterest accounts and Martha Stewart photoshoots. There are real detoxification benefits in putting fruit in your water, and the major keys are watermelon, cucumber, and lemon. These fruits help ease your digestive system and detox your liver, and they honestly taste pretty good. Do some prep and fill water bottles with fruits before bed so you can take them to go with you in the morning. You weren’t too lazy to take your eighth shot of tequila Saturday night, so don’t be lazy now.
4. Take Ginger Shots
You might have only seen ginger shots on Instagram stories of healthy bloggers who photograph acai bowls three times a day, but there’s a real reason every health food store sells these shots. It’s because they’re literally magical when it comes to detoxing your system. Ginger is a strong antioxidant and anti-inflammatory agent, so it helps relieve the bloating and stomach pain caused by your weekend of binge drinking. A 2-ounce shot alone will help break down the toxins in your liver and will also help prevent nausea, which is a plus for your brutal hangover. Add some cayenne pepper and lemon and you’re basically Gwyneth Paltrow, minus the vagina rocks.
5. Eat Avocado
You probably don’t need an excuse to order your basic avocado toast at brunch, but we’re giving you one anyway. Avocados are high in fat, but betches got over that years ago once we heard how good they are for your skin and nails. It turns out that avocados are also amazing for your blood sugar levels and your liver, which is like, the best news ever. They’re packed with glutathione, which is an antioxidant that protects your immune system and helps your liver function correctly. So, if you were worried that you may have permanently damaged your liver this weekend, stop researching shit on WebMD and start eating some avocado.
6. Start Sweating
Look, I know you didn’t want things to come to this point, but we’re sorry to tell you that in order to get your bod back on track, you’re gonna have to sweat. You might hate yourself mid-workout, but starving yourself on the couch all day while watching The Affair is only going to make you hate yourself more. You’ve filled your body with the shitty toxins of alcohol and the late-night diner munchies that came afterward, so it’s time to burn that shit off. Book a bike, get to the gym, run outside—do whatever the fuck you need to do to get moving again.
7. Chill On The Extremes
We realize that some of you may be feeling more guilty than others after your 3-day day-drinking fiasco, but shit happens, and you can’t actually punish your body for it. Like, it was a three-day weekend. If you do something drastic now, how are you gonna survive after a blurry week of tequila and nachos post-spring break? This isn’t the time to order a $300 juice cleanse or run for four hours with a photo of Gigi Hadid taped to your treadmill. Your body is capable of more than you think, so just take care of yourself for the next few days and you’ll naturally start feeling better. Don’t make this more dramatic than it needs to be.