I tell you, the quarantine has brought out the best and the worst in people. And by “people” I’m not talking about your crazy Aunt Cheryl’s return to Facebook, I’m talking about the plague upon humanity that is Bachelor Nation. I think it’s safe to say I’m always talking about The Bachelor, mmkay? While the most exciting thing in our day-to-day lives has been getting dressed up to take the dog out to poop three times a day, ABC’s children of the corn have been treating quarantine like their own personal PR playground. They heard “pandemic” and instead of thinking of new ways to relax and reset, they’re out here finding new and creative ways to stay relevant even though absolutely no one asked them to. So, without further ado, here are the thirstiest people in Bachelor Nation right now, who really need to do less.
Am I surprised that Chad Johnson is using this pandemic to extend his 15 minutes of fame? No, not at all. Do I want to see it, though? Also no, not at all. Surprisingly, Chad isn’t pulling the move I thought he would and starting Twitter fights with a new person in Bachelor Nation every two days, but he is promoting his OnlyFans real hard. It’s apparently now free, which I think kind of defeats the purpose of having an OnlyFans?
Just made a new FREE OnlyFans account! Check it out! 😈https://t.co/n6G9BInqoY
— Chad Johnson (@realChadJohnson) April 2, 2020
He also apparently bought domain names for various Bachelor alums. He really is the Martin Shkreli of Bachelor Nation. I’m not going to click any of the links, because I don’t want to give Chad the satisfaction, but I would imagine they just redirect to his OnlyFans page.
Who has a better website? Kelsey Weier? Chase Mcnary? Hannah Ann? Or Derek Peth? Or Robby Hayes? Personally I like all of them.https://t.co/2S2HD0fvB3https://t.co/xSDBBKrqrDhttps://t.co/uogKYUt3Jshttps://t.co/nAKMFtiPPrhttps://t.co/tmHxuN1WLn#TheBachelor
— Chad Johnson (@realChadJohnson) March 18, 2020
You guys: Say OnlyFans again.
Poor Clare. America’s favorite spinster was just a few weeks away from finding her happy ending with all of those post-Bachelorette sponsorships, when the world shut down due to a global pandemic. If that’s not the most Clare thing to ever happen to a person, then I don’t know what is. But Clare has been staying strong and clinging to her relevance harder than I’ve been clinging to the idea that I still have 4th of July plans. When COVID first hit and ABC announced that her season would be postponed, she took to Twitter to reignite a feud with her Bachelor ex Juan Pablo. More recently, Clare hopped on Instagram to announce that she still has the dress she was dumped in on national television six years ago. That would be special if I didn’t 100% believe all contestants are contractually obligated to keep those for 10 years after their season is over lest ABC miss an opportunity to exploit the most painful and humiliating moment of their life for their own personal gain.
While I appreciate Clare’s efforts to remain relevant, her tactics just feel tired. Starting sh*t with your ex from six years ago on a public platform? Posting about your hoe clothes from the past?? These are things I would have done in college, and all it earned me was pitying looks from my sorority’s Safety and Wellness chair.
Hannah Ann Sluss
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I feel for Hannah Ann, I really do. She did all the right things while competing for Peter’s heart. She laughed at all of his jokes, she cried when she was supposed to, she let Peter talk her into recreating that scene from Titanic during their Fantasy Suite date, and she didn’t even look repulsed when Peter’s mom called Pachi post-coitus. She was denied the coveted Bachelorette spot and now it’s looking like Paradise might be out for her too. This was supposed to be her time to shine!! How is she supposed to get modeling gigs that aren’t for off-brand shapewear or a Denny’s menu if she isn’t able to capitalize off her Bachelor fame?? And so this is why I forgive her for staging her own paparazzi shots during a global pandemic. I’ve seen more stories online about Hannah Ann being “spotted” in LA than I have articles from the CDC about proper hand washing. When she’s not being “caught” out and about it in a full face of contour, she’s been blowing up the TikTok scene with cringey dance routines that feature her favorite famous friends. Honestly, I hope this strategy works for her. She deserves to get something out of her relationship with Peter other than just time served.
Guys, I’m worried about Peter. There, I’ve said it! After failing to make it work with 25+ of America’s Next Top Instagram Models, getting engaged, breaking off that engagement, getting a girlfriend for two hours, and breaking up that relationship because his mommy told him to, he’s been struggling. While most Bachelor/ette leads come off their season with shiny new engagements (or at least shiny, new spon-con deals), Pilot Pete’s biggest announcement as of late is that he’s moving out of his parent’s basement. Maybe. Probably. If he can get them to co-sign his lease after the pandemic ends. You can tell he might be at his breaking point by the way he’s been acting out on TikTok recently. Peter’s TikTok activity ranges from mild cringiness to straight-up I’m calling his mother. Honestly, I’m worried for him. Barb, can we get a wellness check up in here??
Hannah Brown + Tyler C
I’m just going to come out and say this because we’ve all been thinking it: The Quarantine Crew is blasphemous. There is actually nothing more offensive to me than a bunch of hot singles flaunting their hotness and proximity to a Florida timeshare while the rest of us consider which old underwear to use when we need to wipe our asses after the TP stockpile runs empty. For the past several weeks now, Hannah and Tyler C have been living their best lives down in Florida in what appears to be some sort of harem situation. At best, their social distancing can be described as a deleted scene from Spring Breakers; at worst, something the CDC definitely referenced in their Powerpoint of what not to do during their last White House briefing. Either way, out of respect for those of us who are subsisting on a diet of Kraft cheese slices and Franzia and who haven’t breathed fresh air since February, they need to cut that sh*t out and save their antics for when Mike Fliess can profit off it, mmkay?
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; @hannahann_fanpage /Instagram (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @thequarantinecrew /Instagram (1); @jessclarke_ /Instagram (1); @usweekly /Instagram (1)
Summer is upon us, meaning that it’s time to figure out how exactly you’ll be making the next three months the best summer of your life. Will this be the summer you strike gold and become wealthy AF? Or will you use the incredible beach bod you’ve been sculpting to find yourself rolling in the Tinder D? It’s up to you. Well, actually, it’s not. It’s up to the stars, and more specifically, the placement of the stars and planets at the time of your birth. Think you’re going to have a carefree, fuck-it-all summer season? Sorry betch, but Mars has other plans. Trying to focus on something other than hookups for once in your life? Venus says “no fucking way.” Honestly, it’s kind of beautiful. Just practice this phrase, and your summer will be perfect: “sorry for what I said when Saturn was in my sign.”
Even though warmer temps on the horizon have you wanting to really chill out, preferably with a margarita and next to a swimming pool, the stars have a different plan for you. Your pace is going to accelerate in the next four weeks as projects and due dates start piling up. Fucking bullshit, we know. The good news is, because of the placement of Mars, your ruler, you’re going to get right to the point in all your dealings. Your man, your friends, and your boss better come correct because you’ll have no problem telling it like it is this week. That’s for damn sure.
You probably already know, but out of all the signs, you’re the absolute best at handling your finances. In the next four weeks, you’ll have Lil’ Wayne in your head saying “Moolah baby!” as you’re really working toward a life of cashing checks and breaking necks, without the breaking necks part, obvi. You’ll be more aggressive in your deal-making and negotiating activities. If you feel like you’ve got too much built up angst, now is the best time to take up boxing or Krav Maga. Like, you really need to release some tension before you break someone’s actual neck.
Once a year, the Sun is in your sign for four weeks and yassss betch, this is your time! You know what that means? Well un-buckle the fuck up, because it’s going to be smooth ride for the month ahead. Not only will you be riding the high of having your birthday, you’ll also be getting a lot more attention, and who among us doesn’t want more attention? That’s right, everybody wants to be the star of the show and that’s you rn, basically. Bring on the gifts, treats and compliments.
For the next four weeks, the sun goes into hiding in your chart. Chill out, this happens to basically every sign right before their birthday. It takes some of the attention off you so that you can evaluate where you are in life and what you want as far as goals go. It also gives you a break to plan the perfect birthday extravaganza. Lucky for you, when the sun is hiding in Cancer, it doesn’t wreck your shit as badly as it could if you were a different sign. So, at least you have that going for you.
The next four weeks could be the most popular time of the year for you, and it isn’t even your birthday. Leos are pretty goddamned lucky when it comes to good vibes even when it’s not their birthday month. Anyway, your enthusiasm and charming personality are going to attract more people to your social circle. Do not be surprised if the amount of Facebook event invitations you receive in the next month is somewhat overwhelming. Just respond “maybe” to every one just in case better comes along.
The sun is at the very tip-top of your chart for the next four weeks—basically, it’s acting like a spotlight shining down on you and your actions. So even though you’ll get a lot more attention, your mistakes will be just that much more visible too. Keep your Insta caption game strong and spell check your tweets. Also, maybe don’t tweet something super controversial. That’s what saving things in drafts is for, duh. So you can go back and decide if it’s actually funny or just kind of pathetic. It’s not like what you say could get you fired from work (I hope), but it might get you roasted in the group chat.
Get ready to feel content AF for the next four weeks. You’ll probably have that weird feeling like something bad is right around the corner or that you’re constantly forgetting something. Just calm your tits. Everything is actually totally fine. Everyone around you is more likely to be totes supportive of your life choices. Even your significant other is super attentive and mindful of your needs. Don’t let your anxiety about things going too well make you act up. Just fucking enjoy your life for a bit.
Down girl, down. Spring fever is hitting the Scorpio betch hard as your sexual desire is in overdrive for the next four weeks. That could either be really sexy or really sketchy, depending on how you go about it. Just because you feel the urge, doesn’t mean you should risk your health and safety by tryna hookup with every rando with a Tinder account. Most signs feel like winter is cuffing/cuddling season, but the Scorpio is looking for more than just a summer fling. You want a dude that can keep up with *cough* pay for *cough* your summer plans. Think long-ish term when you’re swiping for a match.
Time for an extra coffee and maybe a few extra Lexapros. Fiery Mars is opposite your sign for the next few weeks, meaning you’re more likely to get extra fucking annoyed with others. The Sun is also directly opposite your sign so you need more rest. Even though there is no such thing as a happy camper, you definitely aren’t one this week. That’s for damn sure. The good news is Venus is making you more romantic and inclined to go out and party. So take every nap you can so you can appease your fun side as much as possible.
You know that stupid Pinterest quote about “keeping your heels, head and standards high”? Well that’s cliché and really fucking annoying, but it’ll kind of dictate your next four weeks. Bear with me here as I explain. Mars will help you stay organized and super driven for the next month. Your desire to succeed will push you to keep your standard for excellence up while also turning you into a mentor for others. Feel free to share your knowledge and expertise as long as you don’t do it by posting a cliché AF caption over a thirst trap pic on Instagram.
Get that VSCO account ready: The next month is the best time for you to take vacation, attend parties, and, basically, live your very best life. Your responsibilities are at a minimum and your overall vibe is just generally cool and fun. Likewise, you don’t have a lot of super pressing deadlines coming up in the next months, so if you want to play sick a few days and enjoy the nice weather, you can totally do that without too many people saying “Boo, you whore”.
You’ve been pretty focused on the idea that you need to settle TF down and wife up, pop out some kids, shit like that. Even though the engagement announcements choking up your social feeds abound, you actually have a lot more to accomplish before you buy a wifey T-shirt and get, like, really boring. This month, it’s important to focus on what you want to do before you really give up all your freedom for the American Dream or whatever it is you think you’re chasing.