The brilliant Alex “Hitch” Hitchens once furiously blurted with a mouth full of a chubby dude’s saliva, “YOU GO 90, AND I GO 10—YOU DON’T GO THE FULL 100.” Since then, I chose to apply the “maybe don’t go all the way” rule to every aspect of my life—hooking up with a stranger, finishing a bottle of wine by myself on a Tuesday, sliding into my friend’s hot brother’s DMs, everything. Why? Because things like successfully sliding into the DMs requires a complex set of skills not even Liam Neeson obtains, and going all in at first contact will only result in a lifetime of rejection, and I’m just assuming you don’t have the funds for that kind of therapy.
Let’s get one thing straight. When it comes to flirting, men are fucking clueless. They have the cranial capacity of burnt toast. But the main problem with sliding into DMs is that it usually never works (oh Jesus, wipe that dumb Taylor Swift surprised look off your face—you know this). A guy’s inbox acts as a limited platform for a first and only impression. It’s like one of those blind The Voice auditions. It’s a real audition, and you need to be fully prepared if you plan on sliding into home. Actually, now that I think of it, they should call it plunging into DMs, because sliding refers to a graceful movement, and making a smooth landing into someone’s inbox only exists in like, a Cameron Diaz RomCom. Anyway, as I said, this shit rarely works but like, never say never, and in the age of non-existent human interaction, cyber flirting is crucial to your duty of repopulating the earth, so take my advice in order to avoid a painful nose dive into his DMs followed by this landing:
1. Don’t Go Straight For The Prize
Sliding into DMs should be the
desperate final resort in reaching out to a guy person (civil rights, this is the ‘90s), and should only be done if you have no other way of contacting them. That said, I’m assuming you’ve barely said two words to this person, so going all in at first actual contact is like, pushing legal boundaries. If you actually have access to a phone number or idk, you’re fluent in the English language and you still choose to DM, you’re garbage. But what I’m saying here is that going straight for awkward introduction will result in failure. Remember those dumb arcade claw machines that stole all your money and also your will to live? Remember slamming the button down and thinking this was the money shot, only to be strapped for cash and some dignity? Exactly.
Instead, ease into it. To appear on his radar, start by swapping the automatic DM for a few likes and a follow. Even better if he’s private, since he’ll be forced to accept your request and probably creep on you in the process.
Your follower count Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither should this sexual buildup be.
2. Don’t Like All Their Posts
This should be the first idiot-proof rule of social media 101 that you learned in like 7th grade, so let me circle back around the whole “slowly easing in” thing. Nobody in their right mind has ever looked at some freak in their notifications who randomly liked 25 photos in a row and thought, “Aw, how sweet!” That’s fucking weird and an automatic no from any normal human. Showing non-DM interest is important, but a “like” 37 weeks deep into the abyss just screams restraining order. This is literally how Blac Chyna snaked her way into the Kardashian circle, and look how that ended up. K I made that up, but you believed it for a sec, so keep it to a three like maximum, or forever hold your blocked status.
3. Don’t Let Your Hoe Flag Fly Too Soon
Don’t get me wrong—flirting is good. Leading someone on is healthy. These things are the gateway to a lifetime of probable divorce pure bliss, but being a straight-up thirst machine out the gate is a one-way ticket to “we should do this again sometime” territory, and FYI, that’s the type of “we should do this again sometime” where you’ll never do this again sometime. That means refrain from using cleavage, dirty talk and/or the eggplant emoji in the first few conversations. To back this statement up, I
called upon my slutty friends conducted lot of research for this article, and asked one friend if the whore-yourself-out tactic actually works. Her response: “I mean, mine usually works when they want to slide into my V”. I’m not even making this up. I told you: hard-hitting journalism. I realize that my friend just gave me useless advice, so moral of the story—expect to be one-night-stood (not a crime, btw) unless you save the sleaze for the third drink date.
4. Don’t Be Basic (Fucking Duh)
Did you not learn anything when scoping out a semester-long lab partner to cheat off of in college? Your mutual friends and your shared hobbies are always your allies. DMing is basically the same thing. Initiating a conversation with “hey” will only generate one word back, unless you begin by mentioning your mutual friend they also follow that you haven’t talked to since she held your hair back on spring break of ’13. God I hate myself for saying that. But really—when someone hits you with a “Hi!”, your initial response is, “Do I know you?” so now you’ve just come off as serial psycho, explaining that you saw him while you were deep into your cousin’s best friend’s sister’s Instagram. But whatever, if all else fails, you can always use the “you look really familiar” cop-out.
5. Don’t Keep Messaging If They Stop Responding
It starts off as any casual excuse: “Maybe he’s just busy at work…” fucking spare me, it’s 2017—nobody’s actually working eight hours a day these days unless you’re Harvey Weinstein’s attorney. How else do you think I was able to get through my Vampire Diaries binge in two months? Look, there’s no excuses here. Unless he died, there’s no reason you should be double or triple messaging. That’s just like, the rules of
6. Don’t Have Any Expectations
Girls who say they have no expectations and have “nothing to lose” ironically have all the expectations and somehow lose their shit once they realize that sliding into someone’s DMs isn’t exactly the road to a life filled with white picket fences and Saturday morning soccer games. I don’t even need research to tell you that your only means of survival is to go into this with no expectations. Like, none. Like, the kind of expectations you had when you DMed Josh Duhamel now that he and Fergie are toast. The kind where your mom tells you that her friend’s cousin’s wannabe musician son would be perfect for you. Those kinds of expectations.
Anyway, I’m waiting on this guy to comment on my cleavage Snap, so I don’t have time to babysit you anymore.
Do you ever see someone on Instagram or Snapchat just acting a fool, doing the most annoying shit and committing every social media faux pas in the book? Yeah, you probably follow some really goddamn annoying people. But the real question is: Are you one of those annoying assholes? Sure, we’re all afraid that something we post will get screenshot and roasted in someone else’s group chat, but we can’t follow all the social media rules all the time, can we? Here’s a list of the things that, when other people do them, they’re annoying, but when you do them, they’re totally okay.
1. Lip Syncing
There’s nothing more obnoxious than when you open someone’s story and it’s just them lip synching. They’re generally always in their car. Like, um. OK. You’re just lip synching away in your car to some Cardi B song and driving like a damn lunatic. I am neither impressed nor entertained. These jackholes are probably leaving a wake of destruction behind them as they swerve in and out of lanes picking which filter to use. It’s plain irresponsible is what it is!
Then again, sometimes a dope Nicki verse will come on and I need to show all my followers that this white girl can, in fact, rap. Am I guilty of the lip syncing snap? 100%. Do I judge you when you do it? Also 100%.
2. Concert Videos
Unless it’s one small clip of the chorus of the band or artist’s most famous track, I couldn’t care less that you’re at a concert. I just think, “Wow, this person is so thirsty for other people to think they’re cool that they don’t enjoy the music at all, they’re too busy Snapchatting.”
If I’m at the show, I’m pretty sure everyone is dying to see how close I was, just how amazing they sound live, and how hot the lead singer is in person. Like, five snaps per concert is tolerable, right? RIGHT?!
3. Obnoxious Drunk Stories
Yeah, we get it, you like to party. You and your friends are having such a good time in a dimly-lit sports bar, or is it a club that no one else went to? IDK, but obviously you’re having an awesome time, drinking awesome shooters, soaking up each other’s awesomeness, since your phone is out the whole night documenting the experience. I can’t tap my screen fast enough to make it through this shit.
Yet, if it’s me and my friends, you probably want to see what shenanigans we got ourselves into last night. You definitely want to see our 2am Taco Bell run. We get into such zany mishaps! We’re basically doing you a favor because you probably stayed in, and now you know what a good time you missed. We did such a good job documenting our night, now it’s like you were there with us! God, we are so funny. Lemme just watch all of these back three times while I’m at brunch.
It’s so obvious when someone photoshops a pic. I mean, you expect me to believe that your skin is perfect when I can obviously tell you accidentally made your hair blurry? Hun, we can see you IRL. We aren’t buying what you’re trying to sell.
But like, sometimes I have a zit before a big event and it’s obvious that the zit is not part of how I generally look. So it’s totally fine for me to just erase that…. and brighten up my under-eyes… and whiten my teeth. Really, I’m just presenting the best version of myself to the world, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
5. Deflecting Captions
Girl, your selfie is hot AF. I don’t know why you had to caption it “When you’re really just thinking about tacos.” Have some goddamn respect and just post the picture where you look hella pretty and leave it at that. You don’t need to hide the fact hat you’re like, really pretty by accompanying a picture silly and quirky caption that deflects the real reason you posted it: to show people that you’re really, really ridiculously good looking.
I’m not just going to post a picture without a caption, though. I might as well make it something clever so people know that not only do my boobs look great, but I also have original thoughts. Beauty and brains. Yes, that’s the ticket.
6. Messaging Through The App
If you have my number, why wouldn’t you just text me instead of making me open this stupid app every three seconds? Just fucking text me. If you send me a meme and I respond, that can just be the end of the conversation unless you want to take it to text.
But, like, we’re already talking in the app so why get more digital formats involved? Might as well finish the conversation, however long it may be, in this app and then if I have something else unrelated to say later, I can just text you. When you think about it, it’s actually MORE convenient this way.
7. Liking Celebrity Posts
Really, you think Kim K gives a shit if you “like” her picture or not? Insta lets you see which of your friends have liked celebrity posts, and when I see the culprits I just SMH. These people don’t need your likes. Likes are for people you actually know.
Well, sometimes a blogger I follow will post a really cute outfit and I think they should know that I appreciate the effort. And if I like a post from a Kardashian, like, who really notices and/or gives a shit? Probably no one, unless they’re like me and think I’m an idiot for giving out likes like a podcaster gives out promotional codes for meal delivery services.
Oh, sweet Ariel Winter. So much to learn, so little desire to change. In the past, the Modern Family star’s fashion choices have drawn a lot of, um, feedback based on their skimpy nature, and that’s not great. But Ariel is creating controversy on Instagram again, and this time it’s fair to criticize Ariel without sounding like a slut-shamer.
In the photos, Ariel’s got her knees in the sand and is pulling on her swimsuit bottom like it’s giving her a rash. She’s also got some fake eyelashes on that look like they’re considering a suicide mission to jump off her face (I would do the same tho). In the photo, Ariel is going for some serious Playmate of the Year vibes, which would have been fine, except that she captioned the post “Happy #MemorialDay.”
Let’s unpack. If you’re not from the U.S. or you fell asleep in history class or something, Memorial Day is a holiday meant to honor soldiers who have died defending their country. It’s not actually supposed to be about beer and bikinis, no matter how tempting that extra Monday off may be. In other words:
So yeah, people aren’t thrilled with Ariel for posting a Memorial Day caption that has nothing to do with veterans, or America, or really anything but being a thirst trap. We’re very much in favor of getting wasted at the pool on Memorial Day, but don’t go on Instagram and pretend you actually give a shit about the troops. Or, like, at least hold a little American flag while you’re posing in your swimsuit.
It’s probably best to save the bikini photos for the 4th of July when no one died; a bunch of old dudes just signed some piece of paper. Also, never pose with your knees in the sand, it makes it look like you’re about to go down on a merman.