Don’t let the constant storms fool you, #shotgirlsummer is here. That means it’s time to start posting hot pics to make your ex jealous! But before you go crouching in a bikini with your phone’s self-timer, trying to emulate a baby deer, just know that you’re going to have to up your game if you really want that attention engagement. Just because we’re returning to precedented times doesn’t mean you should drag out the same tired poses. Unemployment rates, small businesses, and house parties weren’t the only thing affected by the pandemic—covid has also ushered in a new era of thirst traps. We analyzed the top performing Instagram posts, influencer behavior, and photography trends to bring you the hottest poses for summer 2021, because you’re gonna have to do better than show ass on the ‘gram.
The Lower Half Of Your Face
This summer, it’s all about exposed lips. And I don’t mean from those high-cut bikini bottoms all the influencers are wearing. I mean, literally, the ones on your face. You know, the ones you used to purse when it seemed like the bartender was purposely taking everyone’s order but yours? Yeah, those. Having perfectly chiseled abs is cool and all, but this summer it’s really about flexing the bottom half of your face. That means it’s time to even out that mask tan—or at the very least, apply some self-tanner. And probably book a wax. And a trip to the dentist. Have you flossed at all? Don’t forget to use mouthwash.
Inside With A Group
Gone are the days of planning a tropical beach vacation with your closest friends solely for the ‘gram. Anyone can hang out relatively safely outside. That’s no longer a flex. Sure, having enough money to fly to Miami or wherever is cool and all, but a small gathering fully indoors, with little to no ventilation? Now that’s going to get the FOMO senses tingling. Some suggested locales: your local dive bar (the one that got in trouble with the Health Department last March); a friend’s illegal, windowless basement apartment; an abandoned bomb shelter that is in no way up to code. The vibe you’re going for here is “if Gov. Cuomo saw a picture of this go viral on Twitter, he’d come down here personally to shut it down.”
Dog-Free
Having a dog used to be your one-stop shop to Engagement Town (I mean the Instagram kind, obviously). But now? Show me a person who didn’t break and adopt a dog within the past year, and I’ll show you a person who can stay out as late as they want and doesn’t have separation anxiety. As any true crime fan or cheater knows, it’s incredibly difficult to prove the absence of something, so showing off your lack of dog is a bit of a challenge. I mean, posing with an empty dog bowl or unattached leash would look like you had a dog, but it died. Our best advice: take one from the playbook of guys on dating apps with babies. Throw yourself in a pile of dogs, and be sure to clarify in the caption that these are IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM your pets.
Used Workout Equipment
Nothing says “I’m simply better than you” like some home workout equipment that has clearly seen better days. Everyone participated in the meme-stock-like surge in demand for dumbbells and Pelotons, but once you waited 5 months for those 10 lb. weights to ship from Amazon, did you ever actually use them? Okay, unfair question. Did you even open the box? Posing with shiny, dent-free equipment is the quickest way to expose the fact that you’re no better than everyone else who went to one Zoom workout, turned their camera off, and then got a snack. You are no better than everyone else, of course, but nobody’s supposed to know that! Much like your intentions of getting abs, it’s way too late to make your equipment look authentically used if you start now. But luckily, much like ripped jeans, you can purchase used workout equipment for a reasonable markup on your local Facebook marketplace. You might even get in some genuine cardio from running away from attempted scammers.
There are more Instagram users than ever, meaning more creators are fighting over fewer slices of the same engagement pie. As the times evolve, so too do the common methods of showcasing your superiority. And if all else fails, just pose on a private jet. That’s one thing that will never fail to make you look like an asshole superior to everyone.
Image: wearefredi / Unsplash
Memorial Day Weekend is upon us, and I know this not because I’ve been keeping track of the days in any real way, but because my mother notified me about it in our family group chat, and quickly followed that sentiment up with a, “guess you’re coming home because there’s nothing else you can do.” It’s like she knows just where to hurt me. Usually Memorial Day Weekend is the symbolic start of summer, a time when people crowd any body of water that they can find, oil themselves with enough tanning lotion to grease a tarmac, and black out in honor of our troops. I believe that’s the freedom they fought for anyway.
This year is going to look a little different, though, thanks to the Hunger Games fan-fiction world we suddenly find ourselves living in. Quarantine has stolen so much from us these days: happy hours, vacations, a reason for me to wash my hair. But there’s one thing I won’t let quarantine take from me. Nay, I REFUSE to let quarantine take from me: my thirst traps. Memorial Day was always my fun excuse to start flooding my IG feed with light nudity and excessive cleavage shots, all in the name of “summer”! And even though this year the biggest body of water I’ll be near is the hose in my parents’ backyard, I still want to keep the thirst level high. So, here’s a look at all the ways you can make the most of your thirst trapping without the sun, sand, or any salty facial expressions from your mother.
Take It Out Of The Sun
The foundation for any summer thirst trap has always been laid with sunny settings. I might not be one to pose in lingerie on my bed (though more power to you if you do!), but I am the first girl to show off her bikini the second the temperature rises above 63 degrees outside. That said, we’re living in a new era now. Without vacations, day trips to the beach, pool days, or really any sunning activities that can’t be done from the crumbling roof of your apartment complex, we need to start getting creative here. And no one does creative sensual selfies better than the Dance Mom kids I follow on Instagram. Sure, they might not even be able to legally drink yet, but you know what? These girls are WISE beyond their years. When I was their age, my idea of a “tasteful” Instagram post involved a close-up of my chest so you could see my bedazzled sorority letter shirt better. Meanwhile, these girls are out here innocently posing with Cheerios and gazing longingly at the sun like a true VSCO girl. Take a note out of these girls’ books and get creative with your location! Pose in the kitchen! On the bathroom counter! Next to your brother’s protein shakes! The possibilities are really endless.
Props Are Important
If you’re finding yourself quarantined with your parents and are wondering how to subtly trick them into taking a picture of you spread eagle in front of your mother’s prized garden without any running commentary about how you’re ruining the family’s good name, then my solution for you is this: use a prop as a distraction. Preferably a human and/or canine prop.
The Kardashians are famous for this. They know that it’s harder for people to talk sh*t about them when they’re using their children as human shields. I mean, people will still talk sh*t because people are monsters, but it will be harder for them to do so. Tell your mom you want a casual photo cuddling the family dog or a candid with your least annoying nephew. If your back should be arched and the angle you’re standing at should also be the best angle to show off your butt and/or cleavage, then that’s all just coincidence, mom! It’s not your fault that you’re so photogenic and statuesque that a Russian bot just left a bunch of tongue out emojis on your IG post with little Jimmy! Geez.
Turn It Into A TikTok
I can’t believe I’m actually suggesting this, but why stop at a thirst trap when you can turn it into a full-on work of art? Usually, my stance on TikTok is that it’s a stain upon humanity and the reason culture is dying, but after three months in quarantine my brain has melted I’m willing to let the masses have this one nice thing. TikTok can be fun because it can either show that a person is hot AND has some sort of personality, or it can just show that a person is really hot. Really, it’s a win-win either way, but I’ll let you be the judge as to how Kylie and Stassie come off.
Take Advantage Of Your Assets
And no, I’m not talking about your boobs, you perv. It’s the 21st century, y’all, and we no longer need an actual person to take our picture! This is great news for those of us, like me, whose photographer options include her dog or her mother, who likes to take pictures so far zoomed in that you can see every single one of my pores. Tripods, selfie sticks, self timer, Photobooth—the possibilities are truly endless. If Kim K can use her assistant’s MacBook Pro to shoot a clothing campaign for her million-dollar shapewear line, then you can figure out take a tasteful cleavage selfie. No excuses.
And there you have it! All the thirst trapping tips to get your mom off your back and your ex sliding into your DMs. You can thank me in the comments. Ciao!
Images: Drew Dau / Unsplash; @kimkardashian, @kylietiktoks, @khloekardashian, @kalanihilliker /Instagram (1)
Hey babe, looking for some light during these dark times of quarantine & scream chill? I got you. Or rather, comedian, artist, author, and stripper Jacqueline Frances — aka Jacq the Stripper — has got you. Frances is using her quarantine time to come up with creative endeavors, including a project that involves drawing thirst traps and helping sex workers stay afloat during this crisis. We absolutely god damn love to see it.
Jacq the Stripper asked her followers on Twitter to send her their thirst traps so she could draw them for $50 and send the proceeds to mutual aid funds for sex workers. Sex workers are among one of the most affected groups of workers amid the pandemic, as many of them are unable to conduct their business safely.
With strip clubs and massage parlors closing for the foreseeable future, the NYC Health advising people not to engage in sex with anyone besides themselves and their roommates, and people generally being afraid to come within six feet of people, it’s harder than ever for many sex workers to find gigs right now, making these mutual aid funds vital to their survival. To have your money go towards a great cause and get you a dope drawing of your sexy bits all in one go? That’s a slay, hon.
Send me your quarantine thirst traps and for $50 I’ll draw your portrait, with proceeds going to mutual aid funds for sw affected by this wildly inconvenient world health crisis. All commissions are through https://t.co/g3Lu0NhTjv pic.twitter.com/vJ5G6PhwJX
— Jacq the Stripper (@JacqTheStripper) March 25, 2020
These drawings also make for amazing gifts. If everyone I knew gifted me with drawings of my nudes I would be one happy slut, I’ll say that. If you have a friend who’s feeling down, has a birthday coming up, or just deserves a treat for the sake of it, may I suggest sending one of Jacq’s masterpieces their way. And while we’re throwing ideas around, it would be pretty rad to have one of Justin Bieber’s thirst traps drawn, and if anyone made this happen for me I would not be mad.
And this isn’t Jacq the Stripper’s first rodeo in terms of creating cool, sexy projects with an important message. She has “soft clothes for sluts,” pro-sex work merch, and other amazing art that you can buy on her website. She’s also a hilarious performer, and you can access all of her amazing content on her Patreon for endless entertainment. Wow, smart, funny, hot, talented women really can have it all. Who knew?
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Images: Twitter (2), Instagram (1)
Last month, I planned a solo trip to Puna de Mita, an under-the-radar (but not for long!) beach town on Mexico’s Pacific Coast. Shortly after I’d booked a casita at Imanta Resorts, I learned that Kourtney Kardashian visited the very same 12-villa resort in 2018, and she shared loads of photos from her vacation on her lifestyle blog, Poosh (best known for unseating Goop for the title of “least appealing onomatopoeia-slash-website-name”). I was already stoked about the destination: Just north of Puerto Vallarta in Riviera Nayarit, Imanta is a secluded, 250-acre patchwork of powdery beaches, lush green mountains, and peace and quiet. (There’s even an outdoor spa.) All the villas have private terraces and plunge pools, and looking over Kourtney K’s photos, I came to see she took full advantage of the photo opps.
I don’t love taking (or viewing) photos of myself; I get awkward in front of a camera and usually give up on selfies after a couple stupid shots in which I don’t look how I think I do. My eyes go right to the flaws in full-body shots, and while I have loads of confidence in my intelligence, charm, ambition, and professional prowess (I’m a travel writer and novelist whose second thriller, THE HERD, set in an all-female coworking space, coming out this month), when it comes to my looks I can be a bit more self-effacing than vain. (And yes, I’m a fair-skinned woman with a below-average BMI so I’d like me to STFU, too.)
But these photos of Kourtney—they cracked me up. There was something cartoonish about the angles: legs flung about, butt thrust out like a baboon in heat. So I decided to replicate them, sans Photoshop, armed with nothing but my self-timer and iPhone tripod. It was one of the most ridiculous afternoons of my life, and the thought that kept running through my head was, “I really wish I were drinking something boozy on the beach right now instead of doing this.” But by the end, I was actually into it. Without further ado, here are the money shots.
What’s incredible is that none of these poses were remotely natural or comfortable. Not one. Like, your hands just don’t go there when you’re sitting on the corner of a pool, and anyway, when do I ever sit on the corner of a pool in this manner? I smized at my iPhone across my villa’s pool while tightening my abs and squashing my hands awkwardly in front of my crotch, which pushed up my boobs but also distorted my upper-arm muscles. And I would NEVER think to do this with my legs for a photo, in part because it was extremely uncomfortable and I thought I might fall into the water. Honestly, I’m not as tiny as Kourtney, but I think I look kind of hot. (And no, I’m not objectifying myself by showing you me in a bikini, since it’s my call. Here, read this explainer from Everyday Feminism.)
Kourtney got this shot in front of the resort’s public lounge, the Observatorio Bar, but I did my best to recreate it in my villa because I do, believe it or not, have a modicum of dignity. This photo was my white whale, and not just because it’s really really hard to not look bulbous whilst balancing awkwardly on not one but two very high bar stools. (Plus, my #TacoTally was at 22 at this point; I’d been keeping track on my Instagram Stories because this is the kind of Quality Content™ my followers expect). You can see the look of panic in my eyes by this point, dozens of attempts in. Also, how do Kourtney’s legs never have the appearance of separate tensed muscles when holding such poses requires the control, balance, and clenched quads of a Cirque du Soleil performer? #deepthoughts
I want you all to know that I was deep into capturing this photo when I heard a knock on the patio door just outside the frame and two housekeepers waved and asked if they could take away the half-drunk bottle of wine I’d left out from the night before. I was flexing hard, and my iPhone tripod was precariously perched on top of a stool on top of a side table. OH HAI.
Anyway, no one looks good in this pose. Kourtney’s whole lewk likely cost more than my four-year education at a private university, and SHE doesn’t even look that good in this pose. I, however, was blessed with my mother’s booty, which is the opposite of gravity-defying; as a kid her friends deemed it a “slug-butt.” (Apparently in the halcyon days before the internet children were just super mean to your face, so good thing Melania solved cyber bullying last year). To get this, I had to arch my back but then tuck my pelvis so the focus would be on my butt and not the inevitable skin fold just above my waist. Kourtney, why. Whywhywhywhywhy.
I went on Kourtney’s guided jungle hike with some strangers and asked Keith, one such new friend, to take photos of me from behind as I walked. Because he’s a normal human with functional eyeballs, whenever we got to a pretty vista he’d be like, “Do you want me to take a photo of you here? Like, smiling and not facing away?” And I said yes and those photos turned out much better than this ass shot. I also didn’t notice until after that here Kourtney is hinging hard at the waist like a flopped-over Barbie, which wasn’t mechanically necessary for the gentle incline but does make her butt appear larger and her torso tinier thanks to the magic of perspective. I’m taking notes.
Also, special shoutout to Alex, the hiking guide Kourtney and I both had, who found a capsule collection that works for him and sticks to it.
Dunno why we needed this one when we had that perfectly good other one of the same pool but, ‘kay. For this photo I had to drag the extremely heavy cement side table over to the corner of the pool and I smashed a toe in the process (the things I do for my art). I never did quite figure out how her back is so straight and yet her elbow is on her knee but then her hand is back behind her head. And I have long spider limbs. Also if I didn’t have that back arm out behind me I legit would have toppled into the pool, so yet again, mad respect to Kween Kourtney.
I made the poor waiter take this for me, and I was glad to see that KK had just as much trouble with the backlighting as I did. Let the records show that the guacamole, four kinds of chips, additional basket of chips, cactus salad, and passion fruit margarita (not pictured) were just Course One of a lunch that slid right into lobster tacos. (The food at Tzamaika Ocean Grill is GOOD.)
During my solo photo shoot, I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes—I was awfully eager to get the shot and go order some tacos. But going through the photos later and thinking thoughts like, “Damn, those tits don’t quit”, I had to admit that being vain is pretty fun. (I’m from the Midwest, where they take you out and pelt you with stones, Shirley Jackson-style, if you accept a compliment without fervent deflection, so this was, indeed, a revelation.) I didn’t feel like a Kardashian, because to me there always seems to be a sheen of insecurity under the poses and angles and blue steel smize. Instead, I felt like I was channeling Lizzo, Beyoncé, J.Lo—hot AF women who seem to adore their bodies not just for how they look, but for how they can feel…i.e., good as hell.
Imanta is private and calm, a screensaver-esque loop of birds flying and waves crashing and palm trees swaying in the breeze. For a few days, the only words I read were on my Kindle or the drink menu. When I started the journey back to New York City, I was bombarded by ads: huge words and images telling me I’m not thin, beautiful, rich, sexy, or cool enough as-is. I won’t ever stage a photo shoot like this again, but will I channel the same hot-bitch vibes? Absolutely.
Images: Andrea Bartz (6); kourtneykardashian / Instagram (4); Poosh (2)
If you watched Netflix’s To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before and have a pulse, then you’re probably as obsessed with Peter Kavinsky as we are. And by “Peter Kavinsky” I mean Noah Centineo aka the actor who plays him. First of all, I would just like to preface this article by saying that I’m not some bandwagon fan here. I’ve been following little Noah since his time on ABC Family’s The Fosters when he was called in to replace the kid from Wizards of Waverly Place and we all had to pretend that one of the series regulars suddenly had a new (hot) face and six extra inches worth of height mid-season. Having said that, by far my favorite Noah Centineo role has been as Peter Kavinsky. If you’ll recall, Peter is the popular, lovable jock who PUT HIS HAND IN LARA JEAN’S BACK POCKET falls for nerdy Lara Jean when they decide to fake date each other. Never mind that I’ve been trying to recreate that exact scenario with a man for going on 10 years now, and all it’s gotten me is arrested… twice. But, fine, it’s chill. And after watching To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, I decided to do with Noah Centineo what I’ve done with countless tween heartthrobs before him: follow him on Instagram. And boy, did I learn exactly who Noah Centineo is: a thirst trap.
That’s right, I said it. Noah Centineo is NOT actually Peter Kavinsky, and his IG is photographic proof. I’m shocked and appalled and a little turned on by the sheer amount of thirst happening on his feed, the likes of which have not been seen since Ariel Winter decided to take her first selfie. Let’s just say if he were a woman, The Daily Mail would be calling him out on their Snap story three to five days a week. So, with gender equality in mind, let’s take a look at Noah’s thirstiest photos, shall we?
EXHIBIT A: His Day In A Life Photos
Here we have a picture of shirtless Noah climbing a tree and playing with rocks and just generally being one with nature and looking like a goddamn snack in the process. SO CASUAL. He captioned this photo “loved this day so much”, which I guess is supposed to reassure us that he’s just a chill guy and fame hasn’t changed him at all. Your nipples on my news feed beg to differ, kid. I don’t believe for one f*cking second that, before he was famous, you could find Noah playing with rocks in an abandoned parking lot and bragging about it on Instagram. Please.
EXHIBIT B: Testing Instagram’s Nudity Policy
Once again, we have a half-naked Noah lying in rumpled bed sheets. He claims this is a professionally done “photo series” which is why there are poetry lines (and I’m using the term “poetry” here loosely, obvi) on these glorified nudes. As if this is a good enough explanation. I have a feeling the creative direction for this “photo series” went something like “hoe, but make it fashion art.” This is a move straight out of the thirst handbook: semi nudity covered up with lyrics/poetry/random string of words that sounds sad but means nothing, AND I’M NOT BUYING IT BUDDY.
EXHIBIT C: Asking All Of America ‘U Up?’
I’m sorry, but did he just send me a “u up?” ON MY GODDAMN INSTAGRAM FEED?? Look, I get enough of this from my Hinge dates, I do not need to see this from the famous 20-year-old I’ve been backwards stalking for three months now. I just don’t. Here we have Noah posting a sad face selfie of a missed FaceTime, which all but incited a riot on Instagram, judging by the amount of girls commenting “I WILL ALWAYS PICK UP!!” Congratulations, Noah, you’ve succeeded in getting every teenage girl in America and myself to emotionally masturbate to your missed call.
So there you have it: Noah Centineo is a thirst trap. The defense rests. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to make that boudoir photo series the new background on my phone. BYE.
IMAGES: @ncentineo /Instagram (3)
It’s only been a few days since Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up yet again, but the Biebs is clearly wasting no time on the rebound. While Selena has been spotted on a yacht somewhere in Australia, Justin is already on the quest for new hookups. Justin was spotted hanging out with a new girl named Baskin Champion earlier this week, and we’re already completely fascinated by her. Is Justin just hanging out with her to make Selena jealous? How many days will this last? Will he let her drive his blue Lamborghini? Who is Baskin Champion, and what the fuck kind of name is Baskin Champion? I did a little digging, and this is gonna be fun.
Justin and Baskin Champion were spotted attending a Craig David concert together, and Justin was super into it. He even got on stage at one point, saying that Craig is one of his idols. Ew, like get a room or something. Baskin Champion was probably not super into the concert, but let’s be honest, any 22-year-old model would sit through a boring concert in exchange for a few treasured paparazzi photos with Justin Bieber. It’s like a business transaction really, a true win-win for everyone involved.
So, not that Craig David isn’t super exciting, but let’s get to the important stuff: who is Baskin Champion, and who blackmailed her parents into choosing that name? Seriously, it sounds less like a name than a competition that your local Baskin-Robbins did one summer before Michelle Obama told us we should all start eating vegetables. Like yeah, I pounded all 31 flavors in a month and as a result, I’m the fucking Baskin Champion—they even gave me a punch card for a free Fudgie the Whale. Prestigious stuff.
But now that we’ve roasted her name, who is Baskin Champion, like on a deeper level? She seems like a bucket of fun. She’s 22 years old, which is actually age-appropriate for Justin Bieber, and she’s a model, naturally. She’s a former Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Rookie, but I’m obsessed with something a little further down her resume: pageants. She was Miss Alabama Teen USA in 2014, meaning she a) looks amazing in a swimsuit and b) is probably really invested in world peace, like such as in the Iraq. Justin Bieber being with a pageant girl just feels right.
It’s hard to gauge much about Baskin’s actual personality, but you can learn some fun facts about her from watching her pageant interview videos. She studied “apparel design” at Auburn, so she’s basically the Elle Woods of Alabama, except without the law school part. She looooved going to the lake, which makes sense because the lake is the perfect place for underage drinking with zero consequences. Also, the most important rule in her house was “Be GOOD,” which actually stands for God-centered, others-concerned, obedient, and do what’s right. Okay, I think this girl grew up in a cult, and also “others-concerned” sounds very made up. At least she’s a Jesus freak, which is obviously what Justin Bieber is looking for in a woman these days. So glad they can be wholesome together, I love that.
From stalking her on social media, she pretty much seems like another basic blonde girl with a couple hundred thousand Instagram followers. She has an adorable dog named Charlie, she owns a pair of camo pants, and she only posts photos of herself. Par for the course. Her sister Abby, who is also a model, happens to be dating Patrick Schwarzenegger, which is probably how she got introduced to Justin. All the pieces of this puzzle are coming together, and the full picture looks like a relationship that will probably last 4-6 weeks.
So yeah, it seems unlikely that Justin Bieber and Baskin Champion will get married or anything, but everyone needs a rebound at some point. I’m sure Baskin knows exactly what she’s signing up for, which is probably a big boost in Instagram followers and minimal emotional commitment from Justin for about a month. TBH can I sign up for that too? It’s like the Whole30, except not the worst thing ever. Have fun Baskin, but remember that you’re not here to make friends, you’re here to win.
Images: Giphy; @baskinchamp / Instagram (2)
Well, that didn’t take long. Last week, we predicted that Kylie Jenner would return to being a thirst trap on Instagram by next month, and it only took five days. We might not have guessed the baby name correctly, but we know a thirst trap when we see one. Kylie basically hasn’t been able to post a picture below her collarbones in like six months, and you know she’s just dying to get into a Calvin Klein matching underwear set and pose in front of a mirror. Her latest Instagram has us wondering less about Kylie Jenner’s post-pregnancy workout routine, though, and more about is Kylie Jenner engaged? Honestly, it’s not the craziest conclusion one could draw.
Kylie’s first post-baby foray into thirst trapness is tame by Kylie’s standards, meaning that she’s fully clothed and none of said clothing is see-through. Look at her being a responsible mommy! She’s posing in the driver seat of her Bentley, dressed in a red Adidas tracksuit that perfectly matches the red leather interior of the car. At this point, Kylie probably buys cars to match her outfits instead of the other way around, because like same obviously. Kylie’s makeup is unnecessarily dramatic for whatever activity she’s doing (pretending to drive?), but her eyebrows look seriously so good and we’re very jealous. But we didn’t really come here to talk about her eyebrows or her tracksuit, now did we?
What we’re really here to discuss is what may or may not be a ring on her left hand. Zoom in, frantically text your group chat, “Is Kylie Jenner engaged??”, do whatever you need to do. Yeah, it’s been less than two weeks since Kylie popped out a baby, but did Travis Scott also find time to pop the question?
So first of all, this isn’t the first time people have speculated that Kylie and Travis are engaged. Back when she dropped her 11-minute pregnancy video (is this eligible for an Oscar for best short film?), there was one shot where it looked like there was something sparkly on the ring finger, but it’s so hard to tell from a grainy video.
As much as we want Kylie to take two fucking seconds and just live her life, maybe getting engaged isn’t so crazy once you and another person literally created a human life together. After all, Kylie is almost 21, and that’s obviously when I felt ready to settle down with a nice man. Jk I was still getting irresponsibly drunk and falling asleep in my clothes at least twice a week. Still am!
So is Kylie Jenner engaged? Whether she is or not, it’ll probably be fine. And if it’s not, at least she has like, billions of dollars lying around to fix her life. Why the fuck didn’t I start a lipstick line instead of going to college?
Images: @kyliejenner / Instagram; Giphy (2)
As we all know, women aren’t the only guilty ones when it comes to social media faux pas. Just because guys aren’t posting cleavage thirst trap pics doesn’t mean they get a free pass at using the internet. Any woman who has even casually used a dating app knows that the shit bros pull online is not only annoying AF, but flat-out embarrassing. Much like IRL, online bros can either be gentlemen or fuckboys, and it’s very difficult you’re going to get until you’re receiving 500 unsolicited pictures of his dick. Here’s a list of shit we hate that guys do online. All we need to do now is figure out who the manager of the internet is so we can talk to them and get this shit to stop.
1. Commenting Something Wayyy Too Inappropriate On A Picture
We’ve all seen the comment from a bro who may have spent too much time chatting with porn bots to remember how normal people talk. He’ll write something like “I’d let you sit on my face” or “Turn around so I can see that ass” on an innocent picture of you at your graduation. Basically he’s training to become creepy uncle in 10 years. Gross. Just gross.
2. Calling Out Your Cleavage
For some reason, men often feel a need to say “boobs” when they see boobs. It’s like a Pavlovian response or something. Yes, sometimes boobs show up in pictures. Half the world’s population has boobs. Yet men online feel like if they don’t say they’re seeing boobs, the boobs might disappear. Just stop calling out the boobs, it’s just uncomfortable for everyone.
3. Commenting On Instagram Models’ Photos
That’s like if we were tweeting at Justin Bieber or Ryan Gosling all day. Even if those Instagram thots models were real, which half them aren’t, do you really think they’re going to see your comment? Like, what is your end game with commenting “beautiful” on Sveta from Romania’s boudoir photos? It’s just embarrassing for everyone.
4. Being Friends With Porn Bots
You can always tell which bros you know are fucking idiots by seeing who your mutual friends are when a spam bot tries to add you. The bot is always a clearly fake photo of some airbrushed/half-silicone model, and all the mutual friends are the dudes who are too dumb to realize a professional model wouldn’t want to talk to them. Then these people show up in your “People You May Know” section and you have to pause for a moment and try to remember if you struck up any friendships with a Russian hooker lately.
5. Harassing Women For Attention
Most Twitter trolls are probably men, because if a betch didn’t like you, she’d just tell you to your face and proceed cutting you out of your life instead of hiding behind some internet avatar and hacking your computer or whatever. Dudes that harass women online are just trying to get them to say something back because they’re sad and lonely. That’s why, when you encounter a troll, the best thing to do is block immediately and go back to your significantly better life.
6. Announce They Are Feminist
If you’re a feminist for the likes, you’re probably not a feminist. Like, there is no need for you to make a status about respecting women. Just go out and respect women. Announcing why people should think you’re a good person is usually the wrong way to become a good person, and I think we all know “feminist” dudes who turn out to be just regular old fuckboys once you really get to know them. I’m looking at you, Justin Trudeau. (But I sincerely hope I’m wrong. For once.)
7. Three Words: Shirtless. Gym. Pics.
We know how long it takes to get a perfect body selfie, trust us. If you’re taking a selfie at the gym, you probably spent a majority of your workout looking for the right filter. You cannot fool women, sir. We know exactly how long it takes to get a gym pic with good lighting. You can’t trick us.
8. Starting A Fight In Your Comment Section
Anytime a guy starts a comment with “Actually…” you know shit is about to get crazy. He’ll likely go on to explain something that had nothing to do with the original post, and your notifications start going crazy. Then when you forget you’re not supposed to feed the trolls and actually engage with him, he ends it all with “I’m glad we can have a good conversation!” and you realize he just wanted someone to talk to all along. Grow a pair and just talk like a human, dude.
9. Insulting You, Then Asking You Out
He goes from calling you ugly to asking for your number. Negging doesn’t even work in real life, and they’re trying to do it online now. Thank god for the block button. The reverse is just as bad, BTW. You know, the “Hey girl, how you doin’? Fuck you ugly fat bitch, I never wanted you anyway!”
10. Posting A Pic With A Puppy For Likes
The puppy picture of a bro is the equivalent of the bikini pic for the betch. We admit you look adorable with the puppy, but it’s a thirst trap worse than our beach pics. It’s like the bros are trying to show off how capable of love they are. And it works, every time. On second thought, maybe don’t stop doing this one. Just proceed with caution when you see it happening.
Which type of fuckboy should you date based on your zodiac sign? Find out here!
