Don’t let the constant storms fool you, #shotgirlsummer is here. That means it’s time to start posting hot pics to make your ex jealous! But before you go crouching in a bikini with your phone’s self-timer, trying to emulate a baby deer, just know that you’re going to have to up your game if you really want that attention engagement. Just because we’re returning to precedented times doesn’t mean you should drag out the same tired poses. Unemployment rates, small businesses, and house parties weren’t the only thing affected by the pandemic—covid has also ushered in a new era of thirst traps. We analyzed the top performing Instagram posts, influencer behavior, and photography trends to bring you the hottest poses for summer 2021, because you’re gonna have to do better than show ass on the ‘gram.
The Lower Half Of Your Face
This summer, it’s all about exposed lips. And I don’t mean from those high-cut bikini bottoms all the influencers are wearing. I mean, literally, the ones on your face. You know, the ones you used to purse when it seemed like the bartender was purposely taking everyone’s order but yours? Yeah, those. Having perfectly chiseled abs is cool and all, but this summer it’s really about flexing the bottom half of your face. That means it’s time to even out that mask tan—or at the very least, apply some self-tanner. And probably book a wax. And a trip to the dentist. Have you flossed at all? Don’t forget to use mouthwash.
Inside With A Group
Gone are the days of planning a tropical beach vacation with your closest friends solely for the ‘gram. Anyone can hang out relatively safely outside. That’s no longer a flex. Sure, having enough money to fly to Miami or wherever is cool and all, but a small gathering fully indoors, with little to no ventilation? Now that’s going to get the FOMO senses tingling. Some suggested locales: your local dive bar (the one that got in trouble with the Health Department last March); a friend’s illegal, windowless basement apartment; an abandoned bomb shelter that is in no way up to code. The vibe you’re going for here is “if Gov. Cuomo saw a picture of this go viral on Twitter, he’d come down here personally to shut it down.”
Dog-Free
Having a dog used to be your one-stop shop to Engagement Town (I mean the Instagram kind, obviously). But now? Show me a person who didn’t break and adopt a dog within the past year, and I’ll show you a person who can stay out as late as they want and doesn’t have separation anxiety. As any true crime fan or cheater knows, it’s incredibly difficult to prove the absence of something, so showing off your lack of dog is a bit of a challenge. I mean, posing with an empty dog bowl or unattached leash would look like you had a dog, but it died. Our best advice: take one from the playbook of guys on dating apps with babies. Throw yourself in a pile of dogs, and be sure to clarify in the caption that these are IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM your pets.
Used Workout Equipment
Nothing says “I’m simply better than you” like some home workout equipment that has clearly seen better days. Everyone participated in the meme-stock-like surge in demand for dumbbells and Pelotons, but once you waited 5 months for those 10 lb. weights to ship from Amazon, did you ever actually use them? Okay, unfair question. Did you even open the box? Posing with shiny, dent-free equipment is the quickest way to expose the fact that you’re no better than everyone else who went to one Zoom workout, turned their camera off, and then got a snack. You are no better than everyone else, of course, but nobody’s supposed to know that! Much like your intentions of getting abs, it’s way too late to make your equipment look authentically used if you start now. But luckily, much like ripped jeans, you can purchase used workout equipment for a reasonable markup on your local Facebook marketplace. You might even get in some genuine cardio from running away from attempted scammers.
There are more Instagram users than ever, meaning more creators are fighting over fewer slices of the same engagement pie. As the times evolve, so too do the common methods of showcasing your superiority. And if all else fails, just pose on a private jet. That’s one thing that will never fail to make you look like an asshole superior to everyone.
Image: wearefredi / Unsplash
Memorial Day Weekend is upon us, and I know this not because I’ve been keeping track of the days in any real way, but because my mother notified me about it in our family group chat, and quickly followed that sentiment up with a, “guess you’re coming home because there’s nothing else you can do.” It’s like she knows just where to hurt me. Usually Memorial Day Weekend is the symbolic start of summer, a time when people crowd any body of water that they can find, oil themselves with enough tanning lotion to grease a tarmac, and black out in honor of our troops. I believe that’s the freedom they fought for anyway.
This year is going to look a little different, though, thanks to the Hunger Games fan-fiction world we suddenly find ourselves living in. Quarantine has stolen so much from us these days: happy hours, vacations, a reason for me to wash my hair. But there’s one thing I won’t let quarantine take from me. Nay, I REFUSE to let quarantine take from me: my thirst traps. Memorial Day was always my fun excuse to start flooding my IG feed with light nudity and excessive cleavage shots, all in the name of “summer”! And even though this year the biggest body of water I’ll be near is the hose in my parents’ backyard, I still want to keep the thirst level high. So, here’s a look at all the ways you can make the most of your thirst trapping without the sun, sand, or any salty facial expressions from your mother.
Take It Out Of The Sun
The foundation for any summer thirst trap has always been laid with sunny settings. I might not be one to pose in lingerie on my bed (though more power to you if you do!), but I am the first girl to show off her bikini the second the temperature rises above 63 degrees outside. That said, we’re living in a new era now. Without vacations, day trips to the beach, pool days, or really any sunning activities that can’t be done from the crumbling roof of your apartment complex, we need to start getting creative here. And no one does creative sensual selfies better than the Dance Mom kids I follow on Instagram. Sure, they might not even be able to legally drink yet, but you know what? These girls are WISE beyond their years. When I was their age, my idea of a “tasteful” Instagram post involved a close-up of my chest so you could see my bedazzled sorority letter shirt better. Meanwhile, these girls are out here innocently posing with Cheerios and gazing longingly at the sun like a true VSCO girl. Take a note out of these girls’ books and get creative with your location! Pose in the kitchen! On the bathroom counter! Next to your brother’s protein shakes! The possibilities are really endless.
Props Are Important
If you’re finding yourself quarantined with your parents and are wondering how to subtly trick them into taking a picture of you spread eagle in front of your mother’s prized garden without any running commentary about how you’re ruining the family’s good name, then my solution for you is this: use a prop as a distraction. Preferably a human and/or canine prop.
The Kardashians are famous for this. They know that it’s harder for people to talk sh*t about them when they’re using their children as human shields. I mean, people will still talk sh*t because people are monsters, but it will be harder for them to do so. Tell your mom you want a casual photo cuddling the family dog or a candid with your least annoying nephew. If your back should be arched and the angle you’re standing at should also be the best angle to show off your butt and/or cleavage, then that’s all just coincidence, mom! It’s not your fault that you’re so photogenic and statuesque that a Russian bot just left a bunch of tongue out emojis on your IG post with little Jimmy! Geez.
Turn It Into A TikTok
I can’t believe I’m actually suggesting this, but why stop at a thirst trap when you can turn it into a full-on work of art? Usually, my stance on TikTok is that it’s a stain upon humanity and the reason culture is dying, but after three months in quarantine my brain has melted I’m willing to let the masses have this one nice thing. TikTok can be fun because it can either show that a person is hot AND has some sort of personality, or it can just show that a person is really hot. Really, it’s a win-win either way, but I’ll let you be the judge as to how Kylie and Stassie come off.
Take Advantage Of Your Assets
And no, I’m not talking about your boobs, you perv. It’s the 21st century, y’all, and we no longer need an actual person to take our picture! This is great news for those of us, like me, whose photographer options include her dog or her mother, who likes to take pictures so far zoomed in that you can see every single one of my pores. Tripods, selfie sticks, self timer, Photobooth—the possibilities are truly endless. If Kim K can use her assistant’s MacBook Pro to shoot a clothing campaign for her million-dollar shapewear line, then you can figure out take a tasteful cleavage selfie. No excuses.
And there you have it! All the thirst trapping tips to get your mom off your back and your ex sliding into your DMs. You can thank me in the comments. Ciao!
Images: Drew Dau / Unsplash; @kimkardashian, @kylietiktoks, @khloekardashian, @kalanihilliker /Instagram (1)
If you watched Netflix’s To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before and have a pulse, then you’re probably as obsessed with Peter Kavinsky as we are. And by “Peter Kavinsky” I mean Noah Centineo aka the actor who plays him. First of all, I would just like to preface this article by saying that I’m not some bandwagon fan here. I’ve been following little Noah since his time on ABC Family’s The Fosters when he was called in to replace the kid from Wizards of Waverly Place and we all had to pretend that one of the series regulars suddenly had a new (hot) face and six extra inches worth of height mid-season. Having said that, by far my favorite Noah Centineo role has been as Peter Kavinsky. If you’ll recall, Peter is the popular, lovable jock who PUT HIS HAND IN LARA JEAN’S BACK POCKET falls for nerdy Lara Jean when they decide to fake date each other. Never mind that I’ve been trying to recreate that exact scenario with a man for going on 10 years now, and all it’s gotten me is arrested… twice. But, fine, it’s chill. And after watching To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, I decided to do with Noah Centineo what I’ve done with countless tween heartthrobs before him: follow him on Instagram. And boy, did I learn exactly who Noah Centineo is: a thirst trap.
That’s right, I said it. Noah Centineo is NOT actually Peter Kavinsky, and his IG is photographic proof. I’m shocked and appalled and a little turned on by the sheer amount of thirst happening on his feed, the likes of which have not been seen since Ariel Winter decided to take her first selfie. Let’s just say if he were a woman, The Daily Mail would be calling him out on their Snap story three to five days a week. So, with gender equality in mind, let’s take a look at Noah’s thirstiest photos, shall we?
EXHIBIT A: His Day In A Life Photos
Here we have a picture of shirtless Noah climbing a tree and playing with rocks and just generally being one with nature and looking like a goddamn snack in the process. SO CASUAL. He captioned this photo “loved this day so much”, which I guess is supposed to reassure us that he’s just a chill guy and fame hasn’t changed him at all. Your nipples on my news feed beg to differ, kid. I don’t believe for one f*cking second that, before he was famous, you could find Noah playing with rocks in an abandoned parking lot and bragging about it on Instagram. Please.
EXHIBIT B: Testing Instagram’s Nudity Policy
Once again, we have a half-naked Noah lying in rumpled bed sheets. He claims this is a professionally done “photo series” which is why there are poetry lines (and I’m using the term “poetry” here loosely, obvi) on these glorified nudes. As if this is a good enough explanation. I have a feeling the creative direction for this “photo series” went something like “hoe, but make it fashion art.” This is a move straight out of the thirst handbook: semi nudity covered up with lyrics/poetry/random string of words that sounds sad but means nothing, AND I’M NOT BUYING IT BUDDY.
EXHIBIT C: Asking All Of America ‘U Up?’
I’m sorry, but did he just send me a “u up?” ON MY GODDAMN INSTAGRAM FEED?? Look, I get enough of this from my Hinge dates, I do not need to see this from the famous 20-year-old I’ve been backwards stalking for three months now. I just don’t. Here we have Noah posting a sad face selfie of a missed FaceTime, which all but incited a riot on Instagram, judging by the amount of girls commenting “I WILL ALWAYS PICK UP!!” Congratulations, Noah, you’ve succeeded in getting every teenage girl in America and myself to emotionally masturbate to your missed call.
So there you have it: Noah Centineo is a thirst trap. The defense rests. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to make that boudoir photo series the new background on my phone. BYE.
IMAGES: @ncentineo /Instagram (3)
After a few days of intense deliberation (with myself), I have something important to say. I think Ariel Winter might be getting her shit together. There, it’s out in the open now. Our favorite child TV star-turned-Instagram thirst trap (tied with Bella Thorne) is growing up right before our eyes, and dare I say, she doesn’t seem like a total disaster? In the past, there’s been plenty to talk shit about, from her X-rated outfits to her questionable relationship choices to just like, her life as a person. But now, things might be turning around for her. I know you’re probably mad at me right now but please, give me a chance to explain.
First of all, we have to deal with Ariel Winter’s age-inappropriate boyfriend. Just a refresher, he’s Levi Meaden, an actor who was recently in Pacific Rim Uprising (I know, what?), and they’ve been together for about a year and a half. At first, we were all pretty skeptical of their 10-year age difference, because it’s fucking weird for a 28-year-old dude to date an 18-year-old. Like, it’s one thing for the girl who got legally emancipated at age 13 to make some iffy decisions, but what’s his deal?? But as much as the age dynamic makes my skin crawl, they’re like, kind of a cute couple? He looks young, and she dresses like she’s 25, so I guess it’s not that much of a stretch? I mean, Selena Gomez and The Weeknd only lasted 10 months, and I never gave them any shit. I hate myself so much right now. Levi and Ariel have been living together for like a year, which is honestly low-key impressive. Considering I still hate spending the night with anyone unless there’s brunch involved the next day, I guess I’m not in a place to judge. Just kidding, I spend my entire life judging others.
Okay, so Ariel’s love life isn’t a total disaster, I’ll give her that. Let’s discuss her school situation, because it’s a little murkier. Way back in 2016, Ariel got accepted to UCLA, and she was very excited. She decided to defer her enrollment a year, because reasons. She started school back in the fall, but she announced last month that she was taking a break. Now, it’s truly a choice to leave college after just six months. Ariel, wyd? She says she wants to focus on her acting career and have more free time, and like same. I would have loved to drop out of college after one semester, except the only career I had at that point was working at the front desk of the theatre department. I am Ariel, Ariel is me. As questionable as dropping out is, she’s already in an Emmy-winning show, so going to college kind of seems like going back to eat a meal after you already had dessert. Ugh, now I’m hungry.
This brings me to the most important part: Ariel’s outfits *shudders*. Ariel Winter has made some very, um, intense fashion choices over the past few years, and we’ve roasted her many a time. Never forget the time she wore a fucking Vegas showgirl outfit to the Modern Family premiere, when everyone else was literally wearing jeans. I’m still suffering from secondhand embarrassment, but I think Ariel truly loved the attention. Last year at Coachella, the paper shredder casualty she called a T-shirt just made me sad, but it seems like she’s made some stylistic adjustments as of late. Look at me, acting like she’s a fucking art museum curator.
In her recent Instagrams, Ariel has been going for more of a sultry glam vibe, and I will begrudgingly admit that it’s really working for her. As Miley Cyrus once said (shortly before her own wild phase), it’s the climb. As much as I miss the latex bodycon dresses (mostly, the material they gave me for shit-talking in my group chat), it’s refreshing to see her in pretty outfits that can be sexy without needing NSFW warnings. Finally, I don’t feel like I have to take a shower after scrolling through her Instagram, and for that I am grateful. Did I just say I’m grateful for Ariel Winter? No, no I didn’t, stop twisting my words.
The wavy hair and red lip is a seriously good look for her, and I’m exited to see how her style journey evolves next. Oh my god, I just read that back and immediately felt the need to take several shots of vodka. Someone send me a new Instagram thot to shit on ASAP, I can’t handle this. I’m not saying I’m like, obsessed with Ariel Winter or anything, but our favorite physical manifestation of daddy issues has come a long way, and it’s messing with my mind.
Modern Family is ending next year, but maybe Ariel isn’t destined to be forgotten in the graveyard of child stars that went wild? Maybe she’ll go back to UCLA and be a communications major or something boring, but maybe she’ll actually become a real actress that gets cast in things? Is “Academy Award Winner Ariel Winter” something that we’ll have to say in the future? Just shoot me now, this is the end. I don’t want to say I’m rooting for her, but I might be rooting for her. That is, until she shows up next week wearing like, a paper towel as a dress or some shit. This is a confusing time, and I’d appreciate your support while I’m on this soul-searching journey.
Images: arielwinter / Instagram (4)
Oh, sweet Ariel Winter. So much to learn, so little desire to change. In the past, the Modern Family star’s fashion choices have drawn a lot of, um, feedback based on their skimpy nature, and that’s not great. But Ariel is creating controversy on Instagram again, and this time it’s fair to criticize Ariel without sounding like a slut-shamer.
In the photos, Ariel’s got her knees in the sand and is pulling on her swimsuit bottom like it’s giving her a rash. She’s also got some fake eyelashes on that look like they’re considering a suicide mission to jump off her face (I would do the same tho). In the photo, Ariel is going for some serious Playmate of the Year vibes, which would have been fine, except that she captioned the post “Happy #MemorialDay.”
Let’s unpack. If you’re not from the U.S. or you fell asleep in history class or something, Memorial Day is a holiday meant to honor soldiers who have died defending their country. It’s not actually supposed to be about beer and bikinis, no matter how tempting that extra Monday off may be. In other words:
So yeah, people aren’t thrilled with Ariel for posting a Memorial Day caption that has nothing to do with veterans, or America, or really anything but being a thirst trap. We’re very much in favor of getting wasted at the pool on Memorial Day, but don’t go on Instagram and pretend you actually give a shit about the troops. Or, like, at least hold a little American flag while you’re posing in your swimsuit.
It’s probably best to save the bikini photos for the 4th of July when no one died; a bunch of old dudes just signed some piece of paper. Also, never pose with your knees in the sand, it makes it look like you’re about to go down on a merman.
As we all know, women aren’t the only guilty ones when it comes to social media faux pas. Just because guys aren’t posting cleavage thirst trap pics doesn’t mean they get a free pass at using the internet. Any woman who has even casually used a dating app knows that the shit bros pull online is not only annoying AF, but flat-out embarrassing. Much like IRL, online bros can either be gentlemen or fuckboys, and it’s very difficult you’re going to get until you’re receiving 500 unsolicited pictures of his dick. Here’s a list of shit we hate that guys do online. All we need to do now is figure out who the manager of the internet is so we can talk to them and get this shit to stop.
1. Commenting Something Wayyy Too Inappropriate On A Picture
We’ve all seen the comment from a bro who may have spent too much time chatting with porn bots to remember how normal people talk. He’ll write something like “I’d let you sit on my face” or “Turn around so I can see that ass” on an innocent picture of you at your graduation. Basically he’s training to become creepy uncle in 10 years. Gross. Just gross.
2. Calling Out Your Cleavage
For some reason, men often feel a need to say “boobs” when they see boobs. It’s like a Pavlovian response or something. Yes, sometimes boobs show up in pictures. Half the world’s population has boobs. Yet men online feel like if they don’t say they’re seeing boobs, the boobs might disappear. Just stop calling out the boobs, it’s just uncomfortable for everyone.
3. Commenting On Instagram Models’ Photos
That’s like if we were tweeting at Justin Bieber or Ryan Gosling all day. Even if those Instagram thots models were real, which half them aren’t, do you really think they’re going to see your comment? Like, what is your end game with commenting “beautiful” on Sveta from Romania’s boudoir photos? It’s just embarrassing for everyone.
4. Being Friends With Porn Bots
You can always tell which bros you know are fucking idiots by seeing who your mutual friends are when a spam bot tries to add you. The bot is always a clearly fake photo of some airbrushed/half-silicone model, and all the mutual friends are the dudes who are too dumb to realize a professional model wouldn’t want to talk to them. Then these people show up in your “People You May Know” section and you have to pause for a moment and try to remember if you struck up any friendships with a Russian hooker lately.
5. Harassing Women For Attention
Most Twitter trolls are probably men, because if a betch didn’t like you, she’d just tell you to your face and proceed cutting you out of your life instead of hiding behind some internet avatar and hacking your computer or whatever. Dudes that harass women online are just trying to get them to say something back because they’re sad and lonely. That’s why, when you encounter a troll, the best thing to do is block immediately and go back to your significantly better life.
6. Announce They Are Feminist
If you’re a feminist for the likes, you’re probably not a feminist. Like, there is no need for you to make a status about respecting women. Just go out and respect women. Announcing why people should think you’re a good person is usually the wrong way to become a good person, and I think we all know “feminist” dudes who turn out to be just regular old fuckboys once you really get to know them. I’m looking at you, Justin Trudeau. (But I sincerely hope I’m wrong. For once.)
7. Three Words: Shirtless. Gym. Pics.
We know how long it takes to get a perfect body selfie, trust us. If you’re taking a selfie at the gym, you probably spent a majority of your workout looking for the right filter. You cannot fool women, sir. We know exactly how long it takes to get a gym pic with good lighting. You can’t trick us.
8. Starting A Fight In Your Comment Section
Anytime a guy starts a comment with “Actually…” you know shit is about to get crazy. He’ll likely go on to explain something that had nothing to do with the original post, and your notifications start going crazy. Then when you forget you’re not supposed to feed the trolls and actually engage with him, he ends it all with “I’m glad we can have a good conversation!” and you realize he just wanted someone to talk to all along. Grow a pair and just talk like a human, dude.
9. Insulting You, Then Asking You Out
He goes from calling you ugly to asking for your number. Negging doesn’t even work in real life, and they’re trying to do it online now. Thank god for the block button. The reverse is just as bad, BTW. You know, the “Hey girl, how you doin’? Fuck you ugly fat bitch, I never wanted you anyway!”
10. Posting A Pic With A Puppy For Likes
The puppy picture of a bro is the equivalent of the bikini pic for the betch. We admit you look adorable with the puppy, but it’s a thirst trap worse than our beach pics. It’s like the bros are trying to show off how capable of love they are. And it works, every time. On second thought, maybe don’t stop doing this one. Just proceed with caution when you see it happening.
Which type of fuckboy should you date based on your zodiac sign? Find out here!
