The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Women Tell Nothing

My my my, Bachelor Nation is crumbling right before our eyes, no? Between Rachael Kirkconnell’s racism scandal, Chris Harrison’s racism scandal, Taylor Nolan’s racism scandal, and Rachel Lindsay being bullied off Instagram because psychos are blaming her for other people’s racism scandals, I just can’t keep track anymore. Thankfully, I’m not here to talk about that today. I’m here to tackle what really matters: sex. Because tonight is fantasy suites, aka the episode where the microphone operators have to creep outside a bedroom until they hear a woman half-heartedly fake an orgasm. Make it quick for their sake, ladies!

Wait, what is that you tell me? They’ve switched up the order and tonight is The Women Tell All? I should have known that your regularly scheduled recapper Ryanne would only give up this week for one reason. Thanks pal! I’ll kill you later! Looks like I will be writing about 30 (almost) adult women screaming at each other about nothing for two hours. Shall we walk the plank together?

We jump right in, and the show makes a point of letting us know that this episode was pre-recorded before Chris’s disastrous interview with Rachel Lindsay. We get it, producers! Aside from the fact that you hired Chris, never once did a deep dive on any contestants’ social media before casting them, and barely included people of color until 2017, this is totally not your fault!!

Right off the bat, I feel like the women are sitting way too close to each other. It’s almost like ABC wants to wipe out this entire group of tattletales and bullies with a deadly virus. Hey, I hated this season too but you don’t have to kill them! Though I guess that might make ratings go up…

Early Confrontations 

Chris starts out by reminding the women that he blindsided them with new arrivals weeks after the season had already begun: “One of the interesting things that happened this season: five new people arrived.” I love how he’s acting like these women just wandered out of the forest in tacky ball gowns, walked up to the Nemacolin, and knocked on the door because they just HAD to meet a man who’s addicted to turtlenecks and embarrassing TikTok dances. 

Ryan tells Chris that she was offended when she arrived because she was called a hoe. Victoria was, of course, offended that Ryan was offended. 

VICTORIA: “People made fun of my bra straps and I just laughed it off”
ALSO VICTORIA:

 

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So this whole interaction was to get us to look at your bra, wasn’t it? I’ll admit I fell for it. And I don’t hate it. 

Katie vs. The Girls 

As it turns out, people hate a rat more than they hate a bully. Duh. Snitches get stitches. Ever heard of Fredo Corleone? Some of you didn’t grow up in an Italian-American family in New Jersey, and it shows. Pretty much all the women blamed Katie for creating the toxic situation in the house, because it got worse once she told Matt. 

MARI: Katie started the fire
KATIE:

If you know, you know. 

They also came at her for being the hardest on Sarah, and only saying that everyone should be nice to Sarah after finding out about her dad. Katie says to them, “It’s called learning, it’s called growing.” Wow, she’s already honed that standard Bachelor Nation non-apology. I dare them to find any old damning tweets of yours, girl! Did you go to any distasteful events recently? No worries! You know what you’ll say! 

This is not the way I was expecting this to go. The internet loves Katie! But, the internet is not 25 women that Katie called a bully, circling her and baring their brand-new veneers at her menacingly. The better to eat you with, my dear! 

Don’t worry Katie, the internet still loves you!

 

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Brittany In The Hot Seat

Chris Harrison calls up Brittany to the hot seat. He reminds us that she was called a “high-end escort”. TBH I think it’s nice of everyone to add high-end in there. Look, rumors aren’t cool, but at least Anna made her sound fancy in the process of being terrible. Brittany talks about her trauma from the rumor and Chris nods along solemnly as if he didn’t throw a suggestive wink every time he previewed the “most salacious accusation we’ve ever heard on this show.” 

Anna apologizes, but does still claim she had heard that Brittany was entertaining men for money. This is a classic Real Housewives move, and I’m low-key impressed. Like, “I’m sorry I said your husband was cheating, but it’s not my fault that I heard your husband is cheating.” Anna also continues to claim that she got so many messages about Brittany because “Chicago’s a small town.” Anna! Chicago has nearly three million people in it! Just because you and your best friend once spotted someone you’re pretty sure was Michelle Obama getting out of a limo at The Bean does not make it a small town! And I can tell you it wasn’t her! 

Even with all those caveats, Brittany accepts Anna’s apology. You’re a better woman than me, Brittany. Apologies are nice and all, but if I were her I’d make Anna pay to scrub those damaging Google results. Just an idea for you, Brit! 

“Outrageous Footage”

We are 35 minutes into this episode and they are already airing unseen footage. This does not bode well for the content of the rest of the episode. It seems that all the group dates that went straight to cocktail hour on the show were actually Fear Factor-esque. Touching bugs, stuffing their faces with food, wandering around the great outdoors—idk what the editors were doing this season, but I promise those episodes were not so jam-packed that we couldn’t have kept 30 seconds of Kit getting lost in the wilderness.

I swear the theme of all these dates was, “watch these girls vomit and then feel them up!!” Like, I get that you have limited options this year, but I feel like attempting to cause grievous bodily harm to the women every episode wasn’t totally necessary. 

Katie In The Hot Seat

Chris brings up Katie and legit says “YOU SHOWED UP WITH A MAGIC WAND.” That is a vibrator, sir. And I would really not like to find out that the reason he called it a “magic wand” is because that’s the name of the brand-new line of vibrators he’s created to go along with his romance novels. God, I beg of you, please spare us. 

We, of course, get a 10-minute clip of Katie’s story with Matt, and as they pan back to her she’s crying. Do we think it’s because she’s sad about Matt or because she’s sad she wore that parka on national TV? You’re trying to get someone to want to bang you Katie, you’re not going out to walk your dog at 6am when no one can see you. 

Katie wonders, “is there anyone out there for me?” I’m sure we’ll see that pasted all over her Bachelorette ads soon. At least it’s better than “Let’s do the damn thing!”

Abigail In The Hot Seat

The second this sweet creature sits down in the hot seat I’m reminded how Matt did her dirty. 

CHRIS: What happened? You guys were so into each other, had so much chemistry, and then he dumped you. Why couldn’t he love you?
ME:

Chris says that Abigail being on the show has had a massive impact on the deaf community. Oh good! Another community he can offend in an interview! You know behind the scenes the producers are just wetting themselves saying “our ratings with the deaf community have skyrocketed! Which underrepresented group can we target next!” Actually though, Abigail is an angel, and this broken franchise doesn’t deserve her.

Pieper In The Hot Seat

Okay, is everyone going to get a one-on-one sit down with Chris tonight? Will our misery never end? They’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel at this point. Maybe next we can get the masseuse who worked on Tyler’s back up there. Or the skydiver responsible for Rachael’s head contusion. Or Katie’s vibrator! Just dress it up in an LBD from Revolve and prop it up on the couch. It will fit right in and I’m sure the conversation will be very stimulating.

There’s really no point to this interview. Every single person that comes up to the hot seat is forced to rewatch their “love story”, and then Chris says “tell daddy how much it hurts,” and then he dismisses them because daddy doesn’t actually care. It. Is. Boring. 

Serena P In The Hot Seat

The word “hot seat” is already giving me PTSD. If this recap ends abruptly, please look for me shaking in a corner somewhere on the west coast of Florida. 

Chris is disappointed in Serena. He thought she was the one. 

CHRIS:

ME, SNORTING INTO MY WINE: Didn’t he see that awkward sex yoga date?

And now Serena is crying. Come on Serena!! You don’t have to do what the other girls did! We know you didn’t like him! Put that Visine back in your sleeve.  

Chris tells Serena he thinks she might regret her decision and that she might still love him. 

SERENA:

Wow. I’m starting to think Chris really never could read a room and it took Rachel Lindsay to point it all out to us. 

Matt In The Hot Seat

Matt finally shows up to his party, and it is a disappointment to say the least. WHAT IS ON HIS FACE?

 

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Chris and the women say they like it and sweetie, they are lying to you. That thing is like making out with a shag rug. 

Victoria immediately turns on the waterworks and tells Matt she was offended by the fact he told her she needed to “self-reflect” when she left. Who’s sensitive now, Queen V? Matt tells her, “when people ask me about you I only have good things to say.” I guess laughing when his friends mock her body is technically a loophole to that statement. But with all the apologizing going on tonight, he couldn’t muster one up? I guess he was a wimp this whole season, why stop now?

I really don’t understand the purpose of the women airing their grievances. Who cares? It’s over, and it was fake. If Chris asked me if I had any last words for Matt I’d shout “wear less turtlenecks!” And then GTFO. 

Can we get real for a sec? Does anyone seriously think we need these tell all episodes anymore? They reveal nothing new—contestants have already explained their terrible actions to the point of exhaustion on social media, and half the people there barely even appeared on the season. They should be more like Bravo reunions or not exist at all. Let’s accuse each other of f*cking a married ex-MLB player! Who has a drug problem?! Make it exciting! These moments may be messy, but at least they are real(ish). I feel like The Women Tell All was basically everyone reading a press release their publicist wrote for them. In the words of anyone who’s ever had a job, this could have been an email

Chris ends the episode by saying, “trust me, you have no idea what’s coming.” No, Chris of February 4th, 2021, YOU have no idea what’s coming. And we’re out! 

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); bachelorettewindmill, tvgoldtweets, victorialarson_/Instagram; holescandal/Twitter

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Newsflash, You’re All Emotionally Unstable

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Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! I’m told that tonight we’ll be subjected to the fiery car crash otherwise known as “The Women Tell All.”  But before the women can skewer Pachi over the flames of their ever-burning hatred, we must first finish the Fantasy Suites rose ceremony. I think we can all agree that last week was a rough one—and I’m not just talking Victoria F in the bedroom. In fact, I feel like last week’s episode can be summed up with this entire exchange:

MADISON: I’m a virgin and if you slept with other women then we’re done.
PETER:

Things were not looking great for the two of them when Madison was noticeably absent from the rose ceremony. Which brings us to tonight! We’re moments away from finding out if Madison’s prayer circle will forgive Peter for experimenting in sexual asphyxiation with Victoria F. Oh Pachi, what a tangled web you weave. 

The Rose Ceremony

As Victoria is getting ready for the rose ceremony, she tells us that Peter’s love is the “purest” she’s ever seen. I’m not sure if “pure” is the right word here, but he’s definitely the most single person she’s ever been with. Also, what world is she living in? Their entire relationship has consisted of her screaming “I can’t!” and Peter looking at the camera like he’d like to hang himself. The fact that Victoria thinks she could have a forever with him makes me want to call her doctor immediately and have him adjust her meds.  

Is that *squints* Chris Harrison at a rose ceremony? Well, well, how nice of you to join us Christopher! I’m pretty sure the last time he spoke directly to Peter was back in Cleveland when the women hijacked his rose ceremony—and that’s only because he’s contractually obligated to interfere when the contestants form a mutiny and try to bury the lead alive for his stupidity. 

He asks Peter how everything is going and Peter immediately breaks down into tears. I love that Chris is looking at him with absolute disgust. I guess after the Fence Jump of 2019, he made sure to adjust his contract so that he’s no longer obligated to deal with emotional breakdowns.

PETER: *weeps*
CHRIS HARRISON:
Hannah Ann is the first to arrive at tonight’s rose ceremony and you can tell she doesn’t really want to win this thing. I mean, it’s the only excuse I can think of for why she would decide to show up to one of the most important rose ceremonies of the season dressed like a witch’s curse turned her into a table lamp just in time to perform “Be Our Guest.” Then there’s the fact that she looks absolutely panicked that Madison is absent from the rose ceremony and she might automatically be going to the finals. 

Madi shows up at the very last second wearing a red dress of sin. What’s even more alarming? You can see her collarbone. Wooooooow. Her youth pastor will definitely be using clips from this episode as a cautionary tale at his next Sunday school sermon, that’s for sure. 

Peter starts off the rose ceremony and he is visibly upset. I would also be upset if my only options for marriage included a model for Kohl’s coupons, the black widow of Virginia Beach, and a girl wearing a chastity belt made of titanium. Tbh I can hardly focus on him when the camera keeps panning to Madison’s makeup. Can Madison figure out how to use mascara? MY GOD. You’re a virgin Madi, but you’re certainly not blind!!

HOLY SH*T. He picks Madison over little miss temptress Victoria F?? I’m shocked. Victoria F was truly at the fantasy suites for one thing and one thing only light choking. Chase Rice, if you’re reading this, I fully expect someone to be slipping into your DMs very soon. 

Peter’s like “Madison, will you accept this rose?” and in response she gives the world’s longest sigh. Why do I have a feeling Peter will be dissecting that pause AT LENGTH while on the phone with his mother later? Madison is like “I guess I’ll take this rose, fornicator.” HAHA. That was such an angry “yeah.” I love it. 

Okay, that’s not the exit performance I thought Victoria F would give. She seems very calm and collected. I expected hellfire, or at the very least a verbal emasculation of Peter. Boooooo. 

The Women Tell All

Moving on. This is usually the time during each season when the women are on their very best behavior as they all compete for a spot on Paradise or The Bachelorette. And by “very best behavior” I mean verbally tearing each other limb-by-limb for production’s sick satisfaction. See? Fun! Tonight will be especially entertaining to watch, as this was filmed before the next Bachelorette had been announced, and they found out that their IG spon-con opportunities were going to a woman who is old enough to have actually birthed MyKenna. You love to see it.

Things start off strong when Chris Harrison mocks the women for not having a strong grasp of the English language. I don’t think he’s really being fair to them though. You know they can only speak in hashtags and emojis, Chris!

First up on the chopping block is Alayah. The women would still like to roast her hair extensions over an open flame for daring to bond with them through gossip and Twitter rumors. I’m sorry, but I still don’t understand what she’s done wrong. Gossiping is, like, the underlying foundation of female friendships. In fact, the only thing that brings women together more than a juicy rumor is an overly-long bathroom line. If you can’t make friends this way anymore then this world is truly broken. 

Chris Harrison goes “let’s talk about #ChampagneGate and the pop heard ‘round the world” and it’s cute that he stole a line directly from one of my recaps. 

CHRIS HARRISON: You know what they say: all’s well that ends well… up your nose!!

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS UP YOUR NOSE. I’m sure Mike Fliess wouldn’t appreciate you bringing up cocaine habits on live television. You know that you have to wait for the company Christmas party for that kind of talk.

Somehow, Tammy is allotted speaking time, and I truly forgot how unhinged she is. You can tell she desperately wants to be seen as the only sane person in the room and it’s not going well for her. She keeps denying things she said about the other contestants despite the fact that production has the receipts and just played them for a live studio audience. 

Once again, she starts coming for Kelsey’s emotional stability, and it’s like, of course Kelsey is emotionally unstable! She’s competing with 20+ other women on national television for the attention of a man who definitely makes jokes about his cockpit in the bedroom. You’re ALL emotionally unstable!

TAMMY: So, you’re saying you weren’t drunk during that altercation?
KELSEY: I never said I was sober!

^ Things I’ve said to my mom when she questions that one time my phone was stolen in the SoHo Forever21 at 11 in the morning. These things just happen, mother!!

Even though Sydney just watched footage of herself calling Tammy a psycho, she would like to know why Kelsey is name-calling her. And this is the crux of why I hate Sydney so much. You can’t be a bully AND a victim. 

SYDNEY: Didn’t you call me a stupid f*cking bitch?
KELSEY: First of all, it was crazy f*cking bitch. I would never insult your intelligence like that!! 

That’s just, like, the rules of feminism I suppose.

You can tell the producers had a hard time scripting this fight between Tammy and MyKenna, because at one point the words “you dance like a buffoon” come out of Tammy’s mouth and MyKenna’s only comeback is “you can meet me on the streets of Canada.” Ah, yes. The mean streets of Canada, where you can find healthcare on every corner and people hustling for $14/hr minimum wage. Truly terrifying. 

america listening to Mykenna quote TJ Maxx mugs again #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/CxERtBdSU7

— Grace Elizabeth (@G_Brinkerhoff) March 3, 2020

Kelsey’s Bachelorette Audition

Kelsey gets called into the hot seat, and she’s the first girl of the night to get any one-on-one time with Chris Harrison. You can tell she was treating this like her Bachelorette audition, because this Kelsey feels very put together and not like the hot mess I know and love. Poor girl just wanted ABC to find her a warm body to come home to and now she’s got nothing to go back to except her bottle of Korbel. 

CHRIS: What got you crying there? Are you drunk again?

Chris! You can’t just ask her that! Chris keeps bringing up #ChampagneGate and how Kelsey feels about taking things up her nose and it’s like, Chris, she already said the only pill she pops is Adderall! Lay off!!

Oh look, and there’s Ashley I milking her five more minutes of fame for all it’s worth. Ashley I is like that troll who lives under a bridge, except instead of paying her money for passage into Bachelor Nation, you need to pay her in what’s left of your dignity. 

She tells Kelsey that she’s really happy someone else finally looks more pathetic and miserable on national television than she did. For her service to her country, she gifts her with a bottle of champagne the size of Li’l Sebastian. Dear god. 

Victoria F Denies Everything

Chris calls Victoria into the hot seat, and I can’t wait for him to grill the sh*t out of her. She starts off by giving a very passionate speech about how she wishes she let Peter love her the way he wanted, and I’m starting to think that she also regrets sticking that finger up his butt. That probably works well with the married men, but then again they’re also probably blackmailed into compliance. Know your audience, Vickie!

Omg Chris Harrison is finally gonna earn his paycheck this week with his “to be clear, have you ever broken up a marriage before” line of questioning. Victoria does an amazing job of deflecting every single question Chris throws at her. She denies hooking up with married men, but it’s very vague. What’s most disappointing is that Chris isn’t even TRYING to poke holes in her story. He literally asked more questions about #ChampagneGate then he has about Victoria’s affairs. 

God, why is he praising her?? He’s like “you’re so mature, Victoria” and it’s like did YOU sleep with her too, Christopher?? Are we just going to forget how truly awful this girl was? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

ABC Actually Gets Deep?

In an unexpected turn of events, ABC takes a moment to talk about online hate and the trolling of contestants. Former Bachelorette Rachel is welcomed to the stage, where she addresses the issue by actually reading some of the horrifying messages people of color have received after being featured on the show. While this feels like a really important conversation to have, and one I’m glad ABC is addressing, to me, there was something off about this display, and it left a sour taste in my mouth. For one, I didn’t like how coy they were about the issue. Not once was the word “racism” uttered on that stage. They kept saying “online hate” and “trolls” as the camera panned to the women of color. I would have loved to have seen ABC really take a stand against racism, for them to say “racism won’t be tolerated in Bachelor Nation and those tweets, comments, DMs, are racist, disgusting, and deplorable.” Instead, they straddled the line, and it was disappointing to watch.

It almost felt like ABC was using this moment to reaffirm that that the franchise isn’t as white-washed as it absolutely is. This is a great start, sure, but let’s not forget there has only ever been one person of color as a Bachelor/Bachelorette lead. And then when that person was the lead, they put a white supremacist on her season for better ratings. They put a sexual predator on Becca’s season for that very same reason. You can’t say you’re disgusted with all of the hate and the bigotry and then, on the very same stage, have a contestant who has modeled a shirt that says “white lives matter.” They want to be inclusive and diverse when it fits their narrative. This is a fantastic start to addressing the negative side of Bachelor Nation, but ABC can—and should—do more. 

And on that note, that’s all I’ve got, kids! Next week is the two-day finale of Peter’s season and the internet STILL has no idea how it ends. I have this theory that the reason for this is because ABC has been keeping Peter and his future bride chained in the bowels of ABC studios so Reality Steve can’t spoil all their fun this season. Guess we’ll have to wait and see next week!

Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @g_brinkerhoff /Twitter (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Women Tell All

Welcome to Bachelor…Tuesday! I know what you’re thinking—where’s It’s Britney, Betch?! Don’t fret, friends, she is on a kickball team doing something mysterious and very cool, and will be back next week! I’m just helping out today because I’m such a good friend. And, please, don’t even bother coming for me in the comments saying she’s better and I’m not funny and this is trash yada, yada, yada. Because I already say that to Britney on Gchat everyday, and then again to myself every night. So I gotchu. Now, on to the task at hand, The Women Tell Us Nothing We Didn’t Already Know or, alternatively, Bachelor in Paradise: An Audition. I have my wine, I have my bad attitude, and I am ready to partayyyyyy.

They start off the episode reminding us of everything that happened 24 hours ago, because the producers just assume we all blacked out on Whispering Angel while watching that cringe-fest. Fair. Last night, Cassie told Colton that she’s just not that into him, Colton finally jumped that f*cking fence, and Chris went on the hunt for his runaway Bachelor, like he was a bloodhound racing to find a missing child in a really juicy episode of Dateline.

Chris intros the show, and is giddy that last night “Colton’s worst nightmare” came true. “He disappeared into the dark night of the Portuguese countryside. He is lost to us.” Okayyyyy Chris you’re not penning the next great American novel, you’re just phoning it in on a network reality dating show, I think we can tone down the dramatic prose just a bit.

The women get introduced. I do not recognize half these women, but am pleased to see that Tracy’s eyebrows grew in. Did she invest in microblading?

Okay who TF is Jane?? Now ABC is just trolling me. I see you ABC, and I know she’s a really a seat warmer while Elyse is in the bathroom! Right?

Since Colton’s season continues to give us little to no content, ABC decides to waste our time and throw it back to “the most dramatic” moments of seasons past. They’re going all the way back to Jason Mesnick. Really? Demi wasn’t even born yet when that season was on! Caelynn was still a toddler in a tiara! No one here gives a sh*t. TBH all these flashbacks really do is show us how little emotion Cassie actually felt last night. Her eyes were drier than the Sahara Desert. 

Then they decide to show us clips from the season that WE JUST WATCHED. Chris says “there was a lot of drama before the infamous wall jump.” Dude. We’ve been calling it a fence all season. Were you even here?

Oh good, our first shower scene of the evening. Why does ABC insist on making me feel like I’m watching a perv’s secret bathroom camera every episode?

We’re 15 minutes in and it looks like we’re finally going to start!

Chris: What were you thinking when you met Colton?
Ladies

And now more clips of all the fake feuds we just watched. Look, I may scroll through Instagram for the entirety of every single episode, but give me a little credit. I can look at pictures of balayage and watch Colton dry hump a blonde at the same time.

Chris immediately brings up the Onyeka/Nicole feud, because he would like to drown the audience with Nicole’s tears and finish up early. The ladies basically just hurl insults at each other, and I feel like I’m back at a sorority chapter meeting. Funny, I used to drink through those too.

Nicole: You said I was mentally unstable.
Onyeka: Liar! I said you were emotionally unstable!

Chris then asks Katie why she told Colton that certain women were not there for the right reasons. She tells him she was talking about Caelynn and Cassie. OMG! Katie claims she heard them talking in Singapore on the bus from the airport to the hotel, and they were saying to each other that one of them should “win” and then the other can be the Bachelorette.

Caelynn says Katie is lying. Katie says Caelynn is lying. I’m lying to myself that this hell is almost over.



Okay seriously though, WHO IS JANE?! And why is she defending Caelynn? FYI Jane, even inserting yourself into this dumb feud is not gonna get you on Paradise, honey. Maybe call up MTV and they’ll let you on Ex On The Beach? Different beach, same low standards. I think you’ll fit in well.

OMG, Kirpa says she heard Caelynn was talking about sliding into the DMs of cast members from other seasons! WHO?! Please tell me it wasn’t Robby, please tell me it wasn’t Robby. Their veneers combined would blind the innocent public.  

Demi apologizes for calling Courtney “the cancer of the house” and changes it to the bed bugs of the house. People may not like Demi, but you can’t deny she was MADE for reality TV. We are blessed she lives during this time. What would have happened if she was born during like, the Victorian era or something? She would have been beheaded SO FAST.

OMG! Courtney just told Demi she has the maturity of a 3-year-old and SHOVED A PACIFIER IN HER MOUTH. Um, isn’t that assault?

Okay now we’re finally getting to the good stuff. Chris calls Demi up to the hot seat. Demi talks about how she is not ashamed of her sexuality and starts shouting, “It’s 2019! I’m promiscuous! Sorry dad!” Aww, that’s sweet. She thinks her Dad doesn’t know. But like, he’s met you?

Chris then tells Demi she was very brave to talk about her mom being in prison.

Demi: I was going back and forth about it, but when I realized I could use it to stay longer, I decided to tell Colton.

Chris asks Demi if her mom is proud of her. Demi says yes and it’s like DUH of course she’s proud! Her daughter was one of the most ruthless competitors in Bachelor history. What’s not to be proud of?

And ANOTHER Colton shower scene. Did you guys know that every time ABC shows Colton in the shower, an angel loses its wings? It’s v sad.

Chris calls Nicole up to the hot seat. Really? Does she warrant more time? We heard her get yelled at for a solid 45 seconds, and got a chance to check out her fresh highlights. That’s all I need to see. Chris pulls out a box of tissues for Nicole, like my therapist doesn’t also do that for $200 a session. You ain’t special, Chris.

Nicole tells Chris she went on The Bachelor because she wanted to make her family proud. Hmm, you didn’t want to try, say, volunteering first? Perhaps going back to school and get a masters degree? No? The Bachelor, you say? Okay. And I’m sure Paradise will make them even prouder!

Wait WTF is this?! Chris basically called Nicole up there to tell her she is getting free Halo Top Ice Cream for a year?! Cool, ABC is literally selling airtime to advertisers now. And to think, when they showed the preview for this segment I thought ABC was going to do something nice for Nicole’s autistic brother. I hope he isn’t lactose intolerant!

AND ANOTHER SHOWER SCENE. My sexual attraction has been so diminished by these I don’t think I will ever find a man appealing again, let alone Colton.

Chris calls Hannah B. up to the hot seat. She looks FIRE and is daring ABC not to choose her as The Bachelorette. Caelynn, the gauntlet has been officially been thrown down, and I think this might be the first competition where you don’t beat Hannah.

Hannah says she feels pressure to be perfect, and has always struggled with it, and has a hard time being vulnerable. Man, whoever wrote this monologue for Hannah really knows what they are doing. It makes me like her, and I hate everyone. Seriously. Ask everyone I work with. They’ll tell you I f*cking hate them.

Chris then gives Hannah a chance to redo her toast that she fumbled during her first one-on-one with Colton. I want to tell you it was better, and that at least she didn’t end it with “roll tide” but then she did, so I can not. Alabama, you all need to get some new material.

Caelynn gets called up to the hot seat. I feel a deep hatred toward her garbage bag cut into the shape of a dress. It’s rare that designers really nail the unique sheen of the Glad brand, but by god they did it!

Caelynn cries while watching her time on the show back. She says it was hard because she felt like she had met her person and then he dumped her. Don’t worry Caelynn, you’re only 23! There’s plenty more disappointment ahead of you love to come!

Caelynn also says that Colton told her he was falling in love with her since Singapore and “That’s a long time.” Oh honey, 72 hours is only a long time to a fruit fly.

Chris does take the time to commend Caelynn for sharing her story of sexual assault on the show. And as much as I really don’t like her as a person, or how Colton responded to her, I will say it was very brave of her, and I do hope that it helped her and helped others. Snaps for Caelynn!

And Colton has FINALLY emerged from the shower, pruny as a spring breaker who fell asleep in the hot tub after a late-night drinking sesh. Does he look different to anyone else? Did he dye his hair? Or is it because he finally put his P in a V?

Chris asks Colton how he’s feeling and Colton says he’s nervous, which surprised him because he thought he would be “cool and confident?” At this point I looked around my empty apartment and screamed “This guy thinks he would ever be cool and confident?!!” My couch and kitchen table both agreed this was absurd. Then we all had a good laugh.

Caelynn: What went wrong?
Colton:

Then Sydney takes one for the team and asks Colton if he’s still a virgin. We’re listening. But instead of answering, Colton takes this time to ask Sydney what the phrase “whack my weeds” means. Colton! You know you are supposed to have sex talks exclusively with Chris or he won’t get his bonus. Why you gotta do him dirty like that?

They transition out of this discussion before we get an answer out of Colton, which is fine with me because now I can stop shrieking in horror over what is happening on my TV screen. I don’t need my neighbors calling the cops on me again. Chris asks Colton about the “fence jump.” Ahhh I see he remembers his line this time.

Chris:  What was going on in your mind as you were running away?
Colton: I can’t believe girls don’t even want to f*ck me when I’m the Bachelor.

Truth.

Chris assures us that Colton makes it back alive, as if I’m not looking at his basic ass on my screen right now.

ABC then shows us bloopers, which I will sum up for you like this: Hannah G. maintains her lack of personality even when a tent falls on her, Colton gets more intimate with a street dog than he does with Cassie, and places have bugs.

I hope you enjoyed the 15 minutes of new footage we just watched! Next week, Colton’s journey finally ends, and hopefully none of us will ever have to hear a grown man talk about his virginity ad nauseum again. Later!

Images: ABC (4); Giphy (3)