Science Says We Have Ten Years To Fix Climate Change Or Everybody Dies

If there’s one thing that should be keeping everybody up at night (apart from waiting for a text back) it’s climate change. And it turns out things are somehow even worse than we’d feared. The UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released a report this week that basically says if we don’t do everything in our power to keep temperature rises due to climate change under 1.5 degrees C or we’re all totally f*cked. Casual. If we fail to do this, the IPCC warns that there will be “rapid, far-reaching and unprecedented changes in all aspects of society.” And somehow I feel like these “changes” are less the “I got bangs!” kind and more the “my house just washed away because of rising sea levels!” kind.

So WTF Does This Report Say?

Basically this report says we need to get off our asses and address climate change ASAP or face the consequences. They estimated that we have 12 years – aka until 2030 – to get our carbon emissions under control. It’ll be expensive, but the window to do something is still open. According to this report, sweeping changes to literally every aspect of our energy systems, land management systems, and transportation are needed to limit warming to 1.5 degress. If we do this, we can hang (i.e. continue living on Earth). If we do not do this, we can no longer hang (i.e. we all die in a flood.) Cool cool cool cool cool…

So WTF Can We Do?

Soooo on an individual level, there actually are a few things you can do. According to this report, individuals who want to reduce warming levels can buy less meat, milk, cheese and butter and buy more locally sourced food. Basically, find your most annoying vegan friend and ask them their secret. You can also drive electric cars, or opt to walk or bike short distances (I mean, who doesn’t love hitting their 10k step mark?). Taking trains and buses instead of plans also helps, as well as using a washing line instead of tumble drying your clothes. Also take time to demand low carbon in every product that you buy.

That said, no individual person switching from whole milk to almond is going to make the difference. We need widespread change from the top down to stop this sh*t from happening. Unfortunately, there is one political party on the face of the planet that hasn’t gotten the memo re: climate change, and that’s the party that is currently in charge of all levels of government in the United States. Bummer.

Lucky for those of us who would prefer not to drown there is an election coming up on November 6th where you can make your voice heard on climate change by voting for candidates who support science, common sense, and not dying.

Click here to make sure you’re registered to vote and find the climate-friendly candidates you can support this November. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Here’s The Latest Trump Official To GTFO

Well, another Trump official is saying “Bye b*tch” to the administration. UN Ambassador Nikki Haley resigned on Tuesday, according to CNN. Her departure leaves the Trump cabinet with one less level-headed moderate, if “level-headed moderate” means “extreme conservative who happily pushed Trump’s agenda but had the occasional moment of sanity.” Also, she never used taxpayer money for a $43,000 soundproof phone booth, so I guess there’s that.

On Tuesday morning, Trump teased that he and Haley had news, tweeting “Big announcement with my friend Ambassador Nikki Haley in the Oval Office at 10:30am.” Ah yes, my “friends” also like to publicly announce that they’d prefer not to interact with me anymore. Unlike with some other high-profile White House resignations, Haley’s decision to peace out took many by surprise. And the timing was especially dramatic since the midterms are so close. (Casual reminder to VOTE.) Nobody seems to really know why Haley pulled this switcheroo, so go forth and speculate.

Haley’s greatest hits as UN Ambassador included that time she announced that the administration would put sanctions on Russia, and then the White House was like “lol no, she’s confused.” Haley clapped back with, “I don’t get confused,” and I actually kind of liked her for a minute.

Anyways, we’re left with two big questions. Will the former governor of South Carolina run against Trump in 2020, or wait until 2024? And what batshit replacement ambassador will Trump appoint now? Our money is on either Jared Kushner or a cardboard cutout of Kim Jong-un.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Trump Is Throwing A Petty Party For ‘Friends Of The U.S.’ Only

We’re only three days into 2018 and Trump is already causing drama. Shocking. As you may recall, Trump recently made even more people hate us by recognizing Jerusalem as the official capital of Israel. We wrote a hilarious article explaining what all that means, and you can read it here.

Anyway, now The Donald is taking petty to a new level and throwing a party for all the countries that support this decision. Spoiler alert: most countries don’t support the decision because it’s dumb AF. In fact, Togo, the Marshall Islands, Nauru, Micronesia, Palau, Honduras and Guatemala, Israel and 58 other randos are the only ones invited to this “exclusive” event. This feels like that time that annoying bitch in middle school tried to buy your friendship by inviting you to her pool party, and you went because duh, pools. But then you got there and it was awkward as fuck and her dad was weird as shit, so you texted your friend and had her call you with a fake emergency so you could GTFO.

So what about those not invited? Last month, the UN General Assembly created a resolution criticizing America’s decision about Jerusalem. This isn’t an offish law that can block the decision, but basically is meant to persuade the Trump administration to reconsider. The UN General Assembly voted on the issue, and the results were 128 to 9 in favor of calling Trump’s decision “null and void.” Lol. I mean, we all know Trump isn’t great at winning the majority vote.

Actual footage of UN voting to call Trump a dumbass:

Of course, the UN made the grave mistake of assuming Trump is a sane and rational person who will listen to reason. Adorable, really. Before the vote, the Trump administration threatened to “take names” of any countries who vote against the US, and even to cut of their humanitarian aid funding. Calm down, crazy. And now he’s throwing this sad little party like the true sociopath he is. Hopefully there’s a shit ton of alcohol at this thing for his hostages guests.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!