It’s 2017 aka the year of realizing stuff self-absorbed assholes winning at life. For proof, look no further than, say, the person running our country or my Instagram news feed which shows no fewer than 18 ex-Bachelor contestants living their best lives at any given time. Which would really send me into a rage blackout if I weren’t too busy watching their Instagram stories and googling their bikini picks for summer 2017. That being said, I am V intrigued by these hoes. It’s clear none of them were ever in it for the “right reasons” unless the right reasons have less to do with dating a man who’s currently dating 20 other women and more to do with them using said man to further their Instagram careers. In which case, those bitches are fucking brilliant. But seriously, how much do Instagram influencers really make? I’m thinking about Amanda specifically here because she has like, six two kids to support off her bikini selfies and I’m concerned that her one million Instagram followers aren’t giving her enough support.
But I shouldn’t worry because I’m sure she know’s what she’s doing with her life, right?
Oh, sorry, I just vomited a little in my mouth. I’m good now. Anyway, back to Amanda and her amazing decision making skills. Clearly she can’t be trusted with huge life decisions like picking the man she wants to spend her life with or choosing a career that supports two toddlers and (I assume) her uglier sister the personal assistant who takes all of her Instagram photos. So let’s take a deeper look at this career path, shall we?
According to Byrdie.com, a top Instagram influencer can make up to $150,000 for ONE sponsored campaign. That’s like, if you’re a JoJo and get your own season of The Bachelorette or you’re a Corinne and everyone wishes you’d get your own season of The Bachelorette. If you’re just, like, a Whitney Fransway (I included her last name here but I’m sure you still have no fucking clue who I’m talking about) with around 100,000 followers, the going rate is $5,000 per post. And while I realize I just talked a ton of shit about Amanda a few minutes ago, I would like to point out that I should never have questioned that girl’s livelihood because she is doing just fine. Like twenty thousand dollars a month fine. *internally screams*
Can we just pause here for a second? They’re making HOW much money?? Here I am doing the absolute minimum busting my ass four solid days a week (because the other three I’m hungover AF) while Whitney the Yoga Instructor (you still can’t place her, can you?) is making more money than I make in MONTHS with one photo of her lying on a couch, holding hair vitamins? That’s what you’re telling me rn?
I bet you’re wondering right about now who would want their brands represented by women who can’t tell the difference between a shark and a dolphin. Well, some of the top products for Bachelor girls to pimp out endorse are Diff Eyewear, FabFitFun, YellowTail Wine (lol way to dream big girls), and SugarBear Hair Vitamins, among others. I’m assuming the girls get approached by these companies based off of what their brand on The Bachelor was. So while Corinne is getting sent bottles of Champagne and invitations to go on Ellen and discuss cheese pasta, our favorite psychiatrist Taylor is repping boring AF essential oils.
And none for Gretchen Wieners, bye.
But what I love about these girls is that they have absolutely no subtlety when endorsing these brands. Like, you can stop pretending that all of your Insta content is soooo organic and sooo natural and not at all funded by Flat Tummy Tea because I’m not buying your bullshit, Emily and Haley.
I would say I’m disgusted by all of this but honestly I just want Amanda or one of the twins to take me under their very tiny arms and show me WTF is up. Jesus, did I just willingly put it out there in the world that I would like career advice from someone whose Instagram bio says “professional twin”? Is this what rock bottom looks like?
I guess what I’ve learned from all of this is that now I can totally see why Nick Viall held Chris Harrison hostage until ABC gave him his own Bachelor season (I assume). That was, I’m sure, a V important step in his career towards becoming a shitty dancer on a show no one but my mom watches.
Sorry povos, if you don’t have, like, a supreme cable package, you won’t be able to get your Bachelor franchise fix between seasons. Much like the Bachelor spin-off Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After?, twins Emily and Hailey Ferguson (from Ben Higgins’ season) have their own show now.
The show is on Freeform—which I guess is now officially the home of third-rate Bachelor spinoffs—so you could probably watch it online if you reallllly have to see this shit and have your mom’s cable login. The show is called—wait for it—The Twins: Happily Ever After? Really, Freeform? That was the best name you could come up with? There are so many twin puns you could make, and you went with the same exact title as Ben and Lauren’s spinoff? Actually, you know what, I’m glad you didn’t go with any twin puns. The world has enough of those as it is. But still. Are your producers that brain-dead that “Happily Ever After?” was the best they could come up with? If so, I’d like to apply for the role of executive producer.
You’d think that with a title that references fairy tales or some shit, this would be another dating show. But instead of the show focusing on something impossible for the girls i.e. finding love on TV, it follows Hailey and Emily as they attempt “adulting”. I mean, shit, they are 23 years old, you would think they would have some sort of a grip on things, but I guess the limit on their stupidity truly does not exist.
In the first episode, which aired last night, the twins move out of their mom’s house. Like, your mom just let you chill with her while you went on reality TV and had the occupation of “twin,” why would you even move out at all? You know these girls will never be able to so much as unclog a toilet or cook pasta (cheese or no cheese). Since the only job they can hold is that of “twin,” they’ll be testing random occupations out as part of the show. So like, think of it as the dumb poor man’s The Simple Life.
Sidenote: Can they really not even pretend they have jobs as Instagram models or some shit? Do they have to display that they’re twins everytime they appear on screen, as if we can’t see with our own eyes? Furthermore, does Freeform really think anyone watching believes being a twin is a full-time job? Or even a part-time job? Fuck it, that’s not even an unpaid internship.
And don’t worry, Bachelor fans, Ben and Lauren already made a cameo in the very first episode, because I guess they’ve got nothing else to do with their time than hang out with Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Don’t you guys have a wedding to plan? One that you’ve been putting off for like, over a year now? Also, Ben and Lauren, you guys seem smart. Ben is like, what, a transponster business analyst? What could these four possibly have in common, other than a hunger for C-list reality TV fame? I can’t imagine that when Ben and Lauren come through they do more than pretend to be friends with the twins for an hour shoot their scene and hightail it out of there and make fun of them the second they get home.
Anyway, I have to wonder, does this mean we can count the twins out of another Bachelor in Paradise stint? Meh, probably. They’re probably tired of getting hit on by douchebags and having to pick sand out of each other’s cracks. Can’t blame them there, though I would low-key live to see Chad insult them to their faces and have it go completely over their heads. Sigh. A girl can dream.
