The Situation Got Released From Prison

The Jersey Shore family is finally complete again, as Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino was released from prison this morning. His release comes at the end of an eight-month sentence for tax evasion, which he began serving in January. Many of his Jersey Shore castmates were on hand for the release, which will conveniently be a storyline on an upcoming season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation.

The Situation was released at 8:30 this morning, and per TMZ, he and his wife wasted no time making a statement to the press. “We are elated to finally close this chapter of our life. Thank you to our family, friends and fans for the continuous love and support during this time, it brought us so much peace and comfort. We look forward to continuing our life as husband and wife and working on baby situations!”

Wow, I love a post-prison statement. I especially like the referent to “this chapter of our life,” as though Mike was just gone on an especially long business trip or something. I’m also chilled to the bone by the thought of baby Situations running around, but I expect that his wife Lauren will be pregnant by the time I finish writing this sentence.

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Funfetti cake for everyone because The Situation just got the G-T-HELL out of prison. Link in bio for this morning's big release. (?: @anthony.serrantonio)

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We don’t yet have any footage of The Situation post-prison, and we don’t know exactly which Jersey Shore people were there, but TMZ’s sources said that most of the cast took flights on Wednesday to be there.

Even though The Situation isn’t behind bars anymore, this is far from the end of his legal journey. He’ll spend the next two years under supervised probation, and is also expected to complete 500 hours of community service. I look forward to the next season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, which will hopefully include lots of footage of Mike wearing a neon vest while picking up trash on the side of the Jersey Turnpike. Truly giving a new meaning to trash TV, and I’m here for it.

Regardless of Mike’s probation situation, it seems like he’s doing a lot better than Joe Giudice, another Jersey reality star who spent time behind bars.  Joe, the husband of RHONJ star Teresa Giudice, was released from prison this spring, and has remained in custody while fighting his expected deportation to Italy. This week, there were new reports that his fight is about to come to an end, as a final decision about his deportation will be made very soon. Clearly, I’m going to have a lot of Jersey reality TV to watch in the next few months, because I’m not about to miss any of this drama.

Images: enews / Instagram; Giphy

4 Tips To Make Wedding Dress Shopping Less Stressful

In November 2018, I married my college sweetheart, Mike Sorrentino. One of the most memorable and surreal moments of the entire experience was my first time trying on wedding gowns. I planned our entire wedding start to finish in roughly two months, so I didn’t have time to waste on decisions, especially when it came to wedding dress shopping. I decided on both my wedding gowns in just 30 minutes. I swear, it’s true! But that’s because I went in prepared. Right off the bat, I had in mind a few dresses I liked and wanted to use as inspiration for my gown. I had Pronovias, Ines di Santo, Marchesa, and Zuhair Murad bookmarked as my favorite bridal designers while researching before my appointment. I went into the store with a mission, and really didn’t consider the possibility of not finding a dress I loved. Plus, I made sure the place I was going to carried my preferred designers ahead of time, which was a big help to stay ahead of the game.

Here were some of my top picks for inspiration.

Obviously, I’m not saying you need to choose dresses like these, as they should be to your personal taste. But I am saying you should have a few options either printed out, saved to your phone, or bookmarked in your brain, and concrete reasons why you like them. That way, you know what elements to look for in other gowns. For example, I chose the Zuhair Murad dress on the left because I love the fuller skirt and heavy embellishment; I like the Marchesa one in the middle because the feathery light detail at the bottom of this dress is dreamy and ethereal; and I also love the Zuhair Murad dress on the right because I’m obsessed with the 20s feel of this gown and the embellished cape.

When it comes to wedding dress shopping, it is possible to get a dress on your first appointment and not spend hours in the store and have it be a miserable experience. Here are a few wedding dress shopping tips you should keep in mind, based on my personal experience, to make the whole wedding dress shopping process less stressful (and, dare I say, actually fun).

1. Do Your Homework

Like I said above, don’t show up to a boutique expecting people to read your mind. Have a Pinterest board ready to show your stylist. Even if you can’t verbalize what details you like, the stylist will be able to identify the common thread between the photos to make sure you’re happy with what she pulls for you to try on. (But it’s way easier if you do verbalize the details you like, as I did in my example above.)

2. Don’t Bring Too Many People

If you’re going wedding dress shopping, I’d advise you limit your guest count to 4-5 max if you have a hard time making decisions. The more people you bring, the more opinions you have that may sway you away from your vision. If you’re like me and don’t care what anyone else thinks, then bring your whole bridal party! I picked my dresses (yes, two) in 45 minutes TOPS. It can be done. 

3. Don’t Make The Process More Stressful Than It Needs To Be

Enjoy yourself! You’re getting married! This is fun! It can be a stressful time with all the detailed decisions and lifetime commitment and all, but make sure to enjoy this special bonding moment with your friends and the amazing multi-generational women in your family if you’re lucky enough to have them around!

4. Trust Your Gut

The best piece of advice I could give any future bride is to stick to your gut instinct. A women’s intuition is everything, so take a moment (or a day or a week) to decompress after your first time wedding gown shopping experience (if you need it), but don’t second guess your first instinct! Don’t doubt yourself. As sure as you know you want to marry your soon-to-be husband, you’ll know what the right dress for you is as soon as you see yourself in it!

And because I’m sure you’re all super curious about which dresses I went with, I’ve included them below.

Dress 1

Dress: Pronovias

I knew I wanted long sleeve lace for my main gown, meaning the gown I’d be married in and wear for our formal photos and first dance.

I love long sleeves on a bridal gown. To me, it’s just super chic, and the lace combination really added a romantic feel. Plus, there’s a traditional aspect to long sleeves on a wedding gown.  I didn’t want too much sheerness or anything corseted. I wanted to stick to a semi-traditional silhouette in that sense. 

Tip: What I didn’t realize was that even though I had a fall wedding, I definitely worked up a sweat taking photos and socializing the whole day. Had we gotten married in spring or summer, I probably would’ve gone the strapless route or worn an off the shoulder look.

Dress 2

Dress: Stephen Yearick

For the second dress, I went with the mermaid and fit and flare look. When going for a more fitted look like I did, I think as long as it’s done tastefully it can be as beautiful and timeless as a traditional bridal look. 

Tip: Balance is key! You don’t want to do fitted, sheer, cleavage, corsets, etc.—it’s just too much! As someone with big boobs, I didn’t want them to be exposed in either dress or to have too much sheerness along with a more fitted look so I went with a higher neckline.

Whether you’re buying one dress or two or five (hey, no judgment), it’s important to go into your appointment with a clear idea of what you like and don’t like. But above all, enjoy the process! You’ll only wear the dress once, so have fun with it.

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Images: Charisse Kenion / Unsplash; Michael Romeo Creations (2); Zuhair Murad (2); Marchesa

Mike The Situation Is Going To Prison

Gym, tan… do you do your own laundry in prison? Guess Mike The Situation is about to find out, because he was sentenced to 8 months in prison on Friday afternoon. This comes after he plead guilty for tax fraud in January. Following his eight months in prison, he will also be on two years of supervised release.

Honestly, eight months in prison doesn’t even sound that bad, and it seems like Mike The Situation got off relatively easy—at least compared to his brother Marc, who was sentenced to two years. Honestly, that’s STILL not even that bad, considering the two were charged with multiple tax offenses related to $9 million in income. NINE. MILLION. DOLLARS. IN INCOME. That they just didn’t pay taxes on?? That’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see how it plays out fo—oh, wait. It clearly didn’t play out too well for either of them. Consider this a friendly PSA to pay your taxes.

Luckily for Mike, the second season of Jersey Shore Family Vacation already finished filming, and in fact, is almost done airing, so this shouldn’t really affect his rigorous schedule of eating 16 full meals a day on camera. I mean, at least prison food and mandated exercise time should help him lose weight before the wedding?

I personally can’t wait to see how the third season of Jersey Shore handles this. I would so love a Scared Straight crossover with Mike The Situation. And like, I would die to see Pauly D roll up to a prison yelling “YEAAAAA BUDDY! AW YEA CAVITY SEARCH YEA!!”

Suddenly, I have never wanted anything more in my entire life. MTV, make it happen.

Image: MTV

‘Jersey Shore: Family Vacation’ Recap: Maybe Try Not Banging Randos?

It’s happening guys, Baby Mama Jen is coming to the Shore. Oh wait, Miami. Whatever, she’s coming to see what the fuck her man has been up to while he’s been out of town. Ronnie is claiming he is v excited to see Jen, and yet he looks like he’s awaiting a prison sentence. At least he has Mike to relate to rn. The entire cast awaits her arrival by staggering on the staircase like a prom photo. Ron gives Jen a bouquet of flowers that still has the grocery store price tag on it. C’mon, Ron, class it up.

Ooooh, this is something I didn’t think of before, how fucking shitty is it of Ronnie to go do a TV show when his gf is this pregnant? She’s like, practically a single mom. He’s missing everything. I guess he really DGAF anyway, but still. I’d be fucking furious about that alone. Like, if you knock me up and force me to both get fat and grow a parasite, you better be getting me KFC at 3am if I demand it. Jen, why are you okay with this?

Jen: My nationality is like 80% Great Britain.

Oh, cool, okay, it’s because she’s a genius.

Snooki: Do you speak Britain?

She will fit right in.

Jen does not comment on the fact that Ronnie has a doll of his ex-gf in the house, and I find that disappointing. Wouldn’t you be like, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? I feel like that is really fucking disturbing, but maybe I’m not a cool enough girlfriend. I would not allow my baby daddy to keep sex dolls of his ex around. Call me unreasonable.

So Jenni is talking about how intense it is that they’re doing family dinner with “an outsider” and all I can think about is how strangely bug-eyed she is because her skin is pulled sooooo tight. Or maybe it’s because her eye skin doesn’t move? Idk, Idk, she just keeps giving me crazy eyes and it’s unsettling.

Pauly D & Vin eating while everyone is waiting to pray is me at every family holiday function. The awkward conversation afterwards is also every family function until Grandma gets hammered and causes a scene involving her love of Trump and hatred of minorities. K, Jenni, that’s your cue.

Awkward silence.

Awkward silence.

Awkward silence.

Ron: Hey, this is awkward.
Jenni: So like, do you guys want to get married?
Ron: *visibly cringes*

Awkward silence.

Someone just out him already, I can’t take this anymore.

Jenni: Ron says he’d rather pay child support than alimony, so I want to know if Jen feels the same.

Jen would rather collect both child support and alimony, obviously. Why else would you fuck around with a D-list celebrity?

I never knew Mike and I had anything in common, but his professing his undying love for funfetti cake just speaks to me on a whole new level.

FUCKING JEN blasts Mike by calling him The Incarceration, and it’s like whoa bitch, you’re stepping around dynamite right now, this shit could blow at any moment. Don’t provoke the bear that will ruin your relationship. Well actually, the relationship has already been ruined, but she doesn’t know that yet. Tell her, tell her, tell her! Everyone here is an accomplice to the crime by hiding this from Jen. Is that how it works? Let’s ask Mike.

Mike: PASS THE FRENCH FRIES.
Guys: OoooooooOOOOOoooooh!

Very subtle, everyone, great work.

Ron: Mike better be careful, I whipped his ass once, I’ll do it again.

So like… does Ronnie just have selective memory for everything in his life? Ron, the wall whipped Mike’s ass, not you. He threw himself into a concrete wall. Technically, he whipped his own ass while you stood there. But okay, take credit. Hey, at this point, let’s just blame that on The Wind too.

Mike is complaining that Jen came for him, like well, what else would they talk about? Ron and Jen obviously have nothing to say to each other. Pauly suggests the group writes Jen a note, like I’m sorry, that would be genius and hilarious. Yet somehow I feel like Ronnie would be able to talk his way out of it again.

What could make the situation more comfortable for Jen? I know, let’s bring her pregnant ass to a strip club! Tbh, the strippers are just mostly naked and barely jiggling their asses, like honestly, this makes me reconsider stripper as a backup career, because they make so much money and most of them aren’t really doing anything. I definitely could not be one of the acrobatic strippers, though, that shit is insane. Like where do you even hire Cirque Du Soleil strippers? Bitches, go to Vegas with that kind of skill.

Vinny is straight-up trying to molest the strippers, like I’m sorry, is your girlfriend’s Instagram fame not enough for you now, Vin? Also, poor Jen, could anything be less fun than being super pregnant and sober at a strip club while your baby daddy ogles naked, skinny bitches?

Me as a stripper:

Ron: THERE’S BOOBIES AND ASS AND BOOBIES AND ASS AND ASS
Jen: So like, everyone is smoking and I’m pregnant. Does this mean anything to you?
Ron: FUCK HER, SHE MAKE ME GO HOME

Ronnie is saying it’s sooooo hard being loyal and in a relationship and a responsible adult. Likeeee…. you never had to do any of this. You could have wrapped your shit up, Pull Out King. Jen is trying to convince him that staying in with her for one night is fine. Shouldn’t he be excited to spend time with her after not seeing her for weeks? Like how is she okay with this? She is literally convincing him that her company is not that bad. You deserve better, Jen, #justiceforjen and #justiceforkhloe, for that matter, because I’m not over that shit either. 

Mike carries Jenni directly to bed—I need this kind of service in my life. Then they bring up Vinny humping rando strippers and Vin is like, “What, I didn’t hump her, I just picked her up via her naked ass.” Idk dude, I don’t think that argument is going to help anything. Maybe it was The Wind again. So he decides to call the ~InstaModel~ and tell her. Can’t imagine this won’t go well.

Mike & Pauly in slow motion: Noooooooooooo!

Mike inducts Vinny into the IFF: I’m Fucked Foundation. Instamodel roasts him for being stupid. What’s wrong with you, Vin?

The crew is headed to the beach. Vinny says he loves “clean fun” as much as “dirty fun”, and I think he’s referring to the beach, but like, is he forgetting this is Miami and the water is brown? It’s def not clean. The girls are too ashamed of their mom bods (and yet somehow Deena too?) to go to the beach, are you fucking kidding me? Snooki, what have you become? You were the Queen of Poofs and DGAFs. Who gives a fuck what Us Weekly says? I highly doubt they say anything complimentary about you people regardless. It’s 2018, body shaming is out, guys.

The girls are sad because they actually really like Jen and it’s like Sam and Ron all over again. Yeah I mean, that’s what happens when you date a POS. This is a very poorly planned beach day, like it’s cloudy and sad out and no one even got a tan. The girls round up Jen to ride with them and so of course she asks about Ron.

Jen: Ron is the best!
Girls: He’s going to be a great dad!
Jen: He takes care of me!
Girls: He’s a good guy!
Jen: Has he been good?
Girls: ………………..

That’s what you guys get for lying. They all kind of mutter “uh yep,” and Snooki very sarcastically says, “He’s been greaaaaaaaaaaaat!” but I don’t think Jen understands sarcasm so Ron is still safe.

Ron: TONIGHT I TAKE JEN TO NICE RESTAURANT HOPEFULLY IT WON’T SUCK BUT IT PROBS WILL

Why did Ron invite Jen to visit if he’s so disappointed by her presence? If she hadn’t already dumped his ass from watching previous episodes, she definitely would have by now. So Jen suggests getting in the Jacuzzi when they get back and I’m sorry, I know literally nothing about babies, and even I know you can’t use a Jacuzzi when you’re pregnant. Jen, you’re going to cook what little brain cells your kid has.

Ooh, what an interesting turn of events, she’s asking Ron if he’s used the Jacuzzi and what they did in it? Does Jen actually know something? That is weirdly very specific, like she’s been waiting to find a way to bring it up. Maybe not bring it up via threatening to cook your child, but v v interesting.

Ron: I NOT SURE IF JEN IS THE ONE BC SAM IS THE ONE

Like yeah, I would say if you’ve cheated and confessed your love to your ex, you’re probs not super into Jen. But that is just my expert opinion.

Back at the club, Pauly is following Vin around and announcing that he’s cheating. Way to keep him honest.

Vinny: I’m on thin ice for making a joke about saving a stripper.

What is wrong with men??? That is definitely NOT what the problem was. How is he this dense? Pauly takes a picture of Vin’s “Explanation Face” and is showing everyone his shame. Why is Vinny even in a relationship? He has never even mentioned the Instamodel and his mom still cooks for him. Vin is making his sad Explanation Face while once again getting reamed out by the Instamodel while wearing the iPad on a chain with his Explanation Face photo on it. It’s basically Inception at this point. Also? Why do you keep calling her, Vin? She obvi does not enjoy speaking to you. Maybe Vin should not try to fuck randos? Girlfriends tend to not like that.

Jen is leaving and asks Ron not to bring girls home anymore.

Ron: Uggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Women can be so unreasonable. Ron thinks it’s better for Jen to find out about his cheating on TV than by telling her. Yeah, that’s totally not humiliating. Great work, everyone.

Vin calls his mom and tells her he’s constantly in trouble with Instamodel and his mom literally is like, “don’t tell that bitch shit, outta sight outta mind.” She must be thrilled her son is dating someone whose only goals are to take pics of her own face.

Vin’s Mom: You can fuck other women as long as it’s not intentional.

Ronnie and Vin’s mom have very similar morals. Ronnie is saying he loves Jen but she’s ruining his life by not allowing him to fuck around. Sounds like true love to me. It’s what every woman dreams of. Fuck, now Ron is saying he barely knows her. Harsh. Now Ron is saying he didn’t even do anything, #mansplaining for the win. Pauly’s WTF face is all of us right now. Jenni is going for him, saying he’s the same person he was nine years ago.

Jenni: For Ron’s baby to be a month or two old when Jen finds out, she’ll kill him and bury him on her property.

Close Jenni, she actually just roasted him all over social media, but for someone as fame hungry as Ron, it’s basically social suicide. Can’t wait to see how the IFF club fucks up again next week!

Sam after realizing how close she was to this being her:

Images: Giphy (7)

‘Jersey Shore: Family Vacation’ Recap: Did I Mention Men Are Garbage?

Welcome to another episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation and another public skewering of Ronnie. Uh, I mean, Jersey Shore: Family Vacation recap. We’ve left off last week to find Ronnie getting his ass caught red-handed with the Russian apparently French hooker. What can I say, I failed AP Euro.

Mike’s girl Lauren called to tell them there is an entire Instagram of videos showing Ronnie rubbing all up on this girl. Ronnie just fucking clarifies whether the video was grinding/sexual or just dancing normally. Lauren says they weren’t grinding in the clips (bummer),

Ronnie: They didn’t catch me grabbing her ass or bringing home? Well that’s not my fault she’s naked, I didn’t dress her. I did nothing wrong as long as it wasn’t filmed.

Wtf, Ronnie. Even the other guidos have wtf written on their faces. He’s already trying to defend his shady ass. This right here, ladies and gentlemen, this is why men are garbage. Also? He’s unaware everything he does is filmed? Now Ronnie is claiming he wasn’t grinding on her and he was doing salsa.

Vinny: Idk if he learned salsa from a porno?

Yes, guys, burn him. FINISH HIM. OMG, now Ronnie is saying he did not shut the door, IT WAS THE WIND? IS HE AWARE THERE ARE CAMERAS? Does he really not notice the big guys carrying cameras everywhere he goes? Also, Vin was into the naked girls too and he had a girlfriend who is a model. Oh wait, an Instagram model. But still. Did I mention men are garbage? Obviously Jen didn’t buy this bullshit, ’cause she promptly dumped his lying ass after last week’s episode.

Look at that wind go, making him touch this girl. Stop it wind, Ron is in a committed relationship!

Ronnie: It was like a one drunken mistake. Grinding on another girl. Molesting another girl. Bringing her home. Getting her naked in a hot tub. Bringing her into the bathroom. The wind blowing the door shut although the cameras have me shutting it. Confessing my undying love to Sam. Saying I don’t love Jen and wouldn’t be with her if it weren’t for knocking her up. One little teensy mistake.

Ron *calls Jen*: You’re obviously not answering because I was dancing and hooking up with another girl so let me tell you that your eyes are wrong and the wind blew me into the girl.
Jen: Wtf, I was just at the gym?

Ron, it’s your guilty fucking conscience. Fucking love the guys reenacting it. Oh look, Grandma Jenni finally appears.

Jenni: What happened?
Pauly D: You weren’t here?

Dialogue that I think captures Grandma’s entire role on the show this season. It’s okay, we didn’t fucking notice either, Pauly. Oh, now she’s going to be exciting and watch some of the guys get a haircut. Watch the guys get a haircut. Is she aware she’s not their moms? Except she does have a point—why is Vin so obsessed with his hair when he has a bald head? It’s like the smallest bit of hair.

Vinny:

Aw poor Ronnie, he feels guilty. Let’s all feel so sorry for him.

Ronnie: Have I really grown up?
Mike: FUCK NO. *slaps him across the face*

Okay, not really, but that is what should have happened.

Are the girls even on the show? They only show them crying about their children and Deena doesn’t even have kids. Ladies, it’s not the 50’s, you can talk about shit other than kids.

Pauly: Mom told us our little sister has to come.

Jenni, that’s not fucking nice of you to make your children play together when they’re trying to cheat on their significant others. Aaaaaaaaaand Deena falls flat on her face. She should not be allowed to wear heels, this is a fucking hazard. In other news, why is Vinnie dressed like Eminem? Is this club attire now?

Literally Vinny:

Hoooollyyyy shit, Drunkasaurus just fell backwards, vagina in the air, and dumped her own drink all over herself. The guys should have held up score cards like the Olympics. (They do that at the Olympics right? I don’t like sports.) It was actually impressive. She blames Slim Shady for it, though. Idk why all the guys have to leave if Deena decides to be a sloppy bitch? Just send her ass home if she can’t play with the big kids. I don’t fuck around with Sloppapotamuses. Now Deena is crying because she fell.

Deena: I need to call Chris and tell him I disrespected him by falling.

That’s a tight fucking leash you’re on, Deena, if you can’t fall in a relationship. Not a euphemism—just losing your physical balance. Now she’s blaming Vin for making her fall because she was nervous. K. Sounds legit. I’m a nervous faller too.

Poor Sammi doll is still pantsless after Ronnie gave her shorts to that vomiting chick,

Dammit Jen, don’t talk to him. He basically told you he fucked up and you didn’t even ask about it. Now she’s coming to visit. I’m sure that will go over well. I mean, somehow he managed to keep her on board until last week, sooo I guess she really is not paying attention.

Vinny, how can they cut your bald hair any more? Like, his hair always looks the exact same? This is so boring. Oh good, Jenni is here to supervise her baby’s haircut. So to be clear, Jenni is not going out or having fun, but she won’t miss an opportunity to watch haircuts.

Ronnie: I don’t want anyone to tell Jen that I fucked French Fry. I don’t even like french fries.

K, I could have told you he was a psycho from day 1 had we known that. Also, IDK if you guys noticed, but Jenni is eating Quest protein chips. Have you ever had these? I tried to force myself to like them for like six months but they literally taste like the sad cracker you get at church that is the body of Christ. (Is it church? Mass? Temple? Where do Catholics go?) But I guess they’re as bland as Jenni’s personality so she probs doesn’t notice.

Snooki (who I also forgot was here): When is the love of your life’s birthday?
Ronnie: Sam’s birthday is—
Snooki: No, Jen’s.
Ronnie: Fuck.
Snooki & J W-woww: Favorite color? Favorite number?

Asking the hard-hitting questions. Who has a favorite number? Are we six?

Deena: Ron, like, doesn’t have a lightbulb up there.

The mysteries of neurology, explained by Dr. Deena.

Pauly: Kids are the best.

Pauly, you didn’t even mention your OWN kid in your intro. You showed us shoes and cars and shit. But okay.

Ronnie envisioning the joys of fatherhood:

Ron, total scum piece of shit, once again brings up The Incarceration’s fraud shit. IDK, Mike, if you don’t want people dragging you for being a criminal, maybe don’t be a criminal. Ron is trying super hard to get the attention off of him.

Ron: I DO CHEATING BUT MIKE DO STEALING. (read in caveman voice)

You guys are real winners.

I can’t even take Pauly and Vinny bathing Robot Sam. Oh good, Pauly packed a spare head. It’s like he knew this would happen.

Vin: Now she fits in with the other girls in the house, they also got new faces.

Sick burn. Oh fuck, Deena has a point. How awkward is it for Jen to come over and her bf has a doll of his ex? That he’s obsessed with, no less.

Sammi Doll is fucking ready to meet her replacement:

Ron: K NIGHT NIGHT JEN, ME AND SAMMI DOLL HAVE TO BE ALONE NOW. (read in caveman voice)

Okay, Mike is 100% going to out Ron to Jen. It’s like every season of Jersey Shore repeated. Can’t wait to watch Ron’s life fall apart next week!

Images: Giphy (6)

Ronnie’s Baby Mama Called Him A Cokehead & Other ‘Jersey Shore’ Relationship Updates

On last week’s episode of Jersey Shore, The Situation revealed that he wanted to propose to his girlfriend Lauren. Understandably, he’d like to lock her down before he gets locked up. And what do ya know, the next day US Weekly exclusively revealed that the Situation is engaged! What surprising and fortuitous timing. After hearing the Sitch’s engagement announcement I got to thinking about the rest of the castmates relationships post-filming. Did Ronnie’s baby mama castrate him for swapping STD’s with a rando who wears her nipples as an accessory? Is Sammi still happily dating her new guido? And most importantly, has Vinny ditched that skinny girl from the premiere so we can finally be together? Let’s investigate!

The Situation

As mentioned above, The Situation is officially engaged. US Weekly blessed us with photos from their engagement, so head on over there if you’d like to throw up a little in your mouth. Apparently he proposed on Valentine’s Day in Miami, and chose a 3-carat cushion cut diamond in an 18-karat rose gold setting that cost him *wait for it* $65,000!

The IRS after reading this article:

Way to lie low, Mike. Don’t you think with the threat of incarceration looming perhaps you should be less obvious about the money you stole from the government? Just a thought from a bitchy but law-abiding citizen over here. I mean whatever, enjoy your prison chapel wedding I guess. At least we know orange is a flattering color on the Sitch!

Ronnie

After watching Ronnie fondle a woman dressed in one large fishnet stocking, I thought for sure his relationship was over. But his social media has been mostly normal posts about the show and his new daughter, Ariana, and I hadn’t read any hospital reports about meatheads being admitted after their girlfriend attempted to cut their dick off. I assumed all was well.

But friends, all you must do is ask nicely and the universe will deliver. Yesterday, Ronnie and his baby mama Jen got INTO it over social media. Ronnie accused her of keeping sex tapes of another guy and refusing to delete them. And Jen said “Can’t turn a cokehead into a father!!” So clearly they’re having problems, huh? I wish someone would be able to break through all the cocaine and steroids and get through to Ronnie to let him know things on the internet live forever. Poor little Ariana Sky is going to stumble across this one day, and wasn’t it bad enough that she’ll learn on a Jersey Shore rerun she only exists because her dad thinks pulling out is an effective birth control method? Hopefully she’ll be pretty because with these parents she sure ain’t gonna be smart.

As Ronnie said on the first episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, “I’ll always be a shitty boyfriend and a shitty husband, but I’ll never be a shitty dad.” And while I don’t believe that last part is true, he sure did prove himself right on the first part.

Sammi Sweetheart

Even though Sammi is not on the show, her presence still looms large in the form of a partially dressed sex doll that Ronnie verbally abuses everyday. It looks like she is very happy with her replacement Ron, whose name I have not seen but whose chest I could now pick out of very strange police lineup.

#Bestie #UghILOVEthisman ????

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I’m my best when I’m with you.. ♥????♥ Thanks @thestrengthspot for helping us get ready for summer! Click link in bio to see my fav. Summer Shred Box! #TheStrengthSpot #CoupleGoals #FitCouple #Love #LoveWins #HappiestGirlInTheWorld

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She looks happy and like the PTSD has faded, so I truly hope she hasn’t seen Ron’s coked up drunken confession of love and question herself. Stay strong, sister!

Vinny

And finally, I’d be remiss if I did not investigate the relationship of everyone’s favorite Keto Guido, my boy Vin. When we saw him in the premiere, Vinny introduced us to “Instagram Model” Elicea Shyann, who definitely never ate Sunday dinner at the Guadagnino house.

My baby

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But, I have good news for all the Vinny groupies out there: he announced to Entertainment Tonight that they have broken up! Hooray! Vinny blamed the lack of access to technology while filming Family Vacation and the stress of long-distance. And I guess writing letters is not an option for the illiterate. Sad! Anyways, Vinny, I’m willing to give us a shot if you’re willing to venture off Staten Island. I’m not fucking going there. No offense, sweetie!

So there you have it! They all got their happily ever afters. And by happily ever afters, I mean the trash futures they absolutely deserved. If you all need me, I’ll just be over here waiting for Vinny’s call.

Update: Ronnie and his girlfriend are now broken up. Probably for the best.

Images: Giphy (2); Instagram, Sammisweetheart (2); Instagram, vinnyguadagnino; Author (1)

I Hung Out With The ‘Jersey Shore’ Cast & They Spilled The Tea

I was lucky enough to go hangout with the cast of Jersey Shore last week at the premiere party for their new show Jersey Shore: Family Vacation. The red carpet was actually a leopard carpet, which let’s be real, it was a leopard rug. But the stars of the evening were the most surprising of all—only about half the cast had the same face as they did 10 years ago. Guys, Botox is not for the weak.

Snooki showed up wearing what I assumed were children’s pajamas, and when asked about her outfit she legit went, “It’s PAJAMAS!”

Snooki Jersey Shore Family Reunion

Snooks said they partied super hard in this show, regardless of them being parents and older. Being away from your kids is definitely a reason to celebrate, but Snooki said that both she and Jenni had “mom guilt” from leaving their kids for so long. The main difference in their partying now, however, is that while they drink just as much as before, their hangovers are now three-day events. Same.

Snooki also that she was getting worried about her kids knowing ~things~ about her. Just that day, she went to the grocery store and someone screamed out “Snooki!” at her. Her son asked what a Snooki was, and she replied, “That’s mommy’s job.” I mean, she’s not wrong. She decided that she was going to tell her kids that she’s an actress, “which I’m not,” and that the show is scripted, “which it’s not,” until they figure out it’s true for themselves. I guarantee her kids will be exactly like her, so I doubt they will be surprised.

The cast seems to have done pretty well for themselves since the OG Jersey Shore ended 6(!) years ago. And that even includes Mike “The Situation”, who they all absolutely raved about.

Mike told me that he’s been sober for 28 months now and works at a rehab facility in Jersey as a speaker and does events with them. He also said that he’ll find out what’s going to happen with his potential prison sentence in the next month or so. He was so nice I actually felt bad for him, which is saying A LOT, considering what a tool he was on the original show. But, according to the rest of the cast, Mike has done a total turnaround since being sober and made up for his past. JWoww (who is so fucking skinny and has boobs bigger than my face) even said they now call him The Inspiration instead of The Situation, which she said so sweetly, I almost gagged.

Mike The Situation Sorrentino

Ronnie kinda hid from us, but we asked the rest of the cast about Sammi not coming for Family Vacation, and they all had the same answer: they want her back so badly, but she said no. Honestly, I can’t blame her. Her relationship with Ronnie was borderline abusive, and I’d be over that shit too.

The new show is already renewed for season 2, and it hasn’t even premiered yet—that should tell you how good Jersey Shore: Family Vacation will be. The entire cast seemed so excited to be back in the limelight, and I can’t blame them because really, what are any of them going to do outside of this?

The actual party to celebrate the premiere was fun with an open bar and a whole slew of Bachelor rejects. The Chad himself was there with a tiny blonde girl dressed like Britney in a music video. He was hanging out with Ronnie quite a bit, and like, of COURSE they would get along.

I talked to Ashley I. and Jared for a while, and they were both super cool, still best friends, and assured me that neither of them were going to Paradise this year. Boooooooooo. Is it even Bachelor in Paradise without Ashley I.’s tears?

Ashley also said she’s totally over Kevin and when I said, “fuck that guy,” she was like, “no he’s fine, it just didn’t work out,” which was v mature, Ash.

Alexis and DLo were hanging out, also both dating people, also no-go’s for Paradise. If this season doesn’t have someone doing hilarious commentary, I will personally blame Alexis for this.

The Jersey Shore cast had a great time drinking Champagne and dancing like we were all back at Karma. You can catch the premiere of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation tonight on MTV at 8pm/7pm central. Aww yea!

Images: Courtesy of MTV (2) Author (1); Giphy (2)

The Funniest ‘Jersey Shore’ Moments You Forgot Happened

The day we have all been waiting for has finally arrived! He is risen! And by he, I mean The Situation because today officially marks the reboot of beloved reality TV show, Jersey Shore. Somehow, MTV convinced seven of the Jersey Shore cast members to come back for a season of debauchery that’s sure to ruin their relationships, their vital organs, and most likely, their real lives. What, DJ’ing at pool parties in Atlantic City not paying the bills anymore, Pauly D? Whatever the sad reason is they agreed to do this, it’s great news for us because we get to see our favorite group of morons bring shame on their families and my beautiful state of New Jersey yet again.

So, in anticipation of tonight’s episode, I wanted to do a roundup of best moments on the show. But I thought the word “best” doesn’t really quite go with this group unless you’re saying like “best at getting caught for tax evasion,” or “best at packing all their belongings in a garbage bag.” I wanted to do a round up that felt a little more authentic. And what better moment to base this roundup on then the iconic moment in season one when Snooki gets punched in the face?

Now, I definitely don’t think Snooki deserved to get punched in the face and I’m not here to promote violence against women, so leave me alone in the comments you sensitive bitches, all right? But I am here to say that all the roommates had a lifetime moment when I wanted to punch them in the face. So make yourself a batch of Ron-Ron Juice *not a euphemism for his semen* and settle in folks, because I’m about to round up each Jersey Shore cast member’s most punchable moment from the original Jersey Shore.

Ronnie

Let’s start out with Ronnie, since he was probably never picked first for anything in his life except in a police lineup. Ronnie deserved a punch in the face (and got one), for how he treated Sammi most of the time, but you all know his most punchable moment well. In season 3, after Sammi goes to the club and dances with other dudes to make Ron jealous, he starts throwing all her stuff outside including her mattress, all the while they are threatening each other. Not only does Ronnie seem like he’s going to attack Sammi, but he also starts screaming “You never cooked for me!!” Whoa whoa whoa Ron, this is the 90’s. It’s civil rights. If that were the criteria for being a girlfriend, I’d have slept on way more mattresses outside. Basically, it’s no surprise that Sammi turned down this new season—it probably took years of therapy to get her mind right after the way this chauvinistic meat head treated her.

Snooki

As I mentioned, Snooki does actually get punched in the fourth episode of the series by a teacher from New York. Children are the future, folks—so glad we entrust their sensitive development to people like this. While no woman deserves to be punched by a dude in a bar, Snooki sure was testing my patience when the series started. She wasn’t always the lovable meatball who can’t find the beach right in front of her. When Snooki first got to the house, she came on way too strong. Like, stronger than the Axe body spray polluting the air in that house. Snooki took enough tequila shots to tranquilize a small horse and then proceeded to dry hump anything in the house with a pulse. So I guess I didn’t want to punch her so much as call her mom. Lucky for Snooki, the group finally warmed up to her, she didn’t have to leave the house, and the world was never deprived of this self-proclaimed “good person”.

Snooki Jersey Shore

JWoww

The most punchable thing about Jenni is her nickname, tbh. Why so many w’s? Your Starbucks barista is never getting that right. But, since I have to pick a moment I wanted to punch her, I have to mention the time Jenni pees behind the bar in Karma. As someone who spends the majority of my time in a city that reeks of urine, this moment is very triggering for me. Must the entire world be our bathroom? Actual bathrooms exist! Tell your friends!

The Situation

If JWoww has the most punchable name, then The Situation has the most punchable face. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Like, I think a punch and the resulting reconstructive surgery might help him out a lot. Anyway, Mike was always stirring up shit in the house, so it’s hard to pick his worst moment. I wanted to punch him when he was trying to hook up with Snooki in Italy, I wanted to punch him when he tells Jionni he did hook up with Snooki, and he clearly wanted to punch himself that time he head-butted the wall. Thanks for saving me the work, Mike!

Pauly D

I mostly like Pauly D, as much as one can like a dude with a gelled blowout and unintelligible accent, but he really did women wrong on this show. I especially felt for the woman he dubbed his “Israeli Stalker” in the first season. So she bought you a T-shirt and called your house a few times, and showed up at the club? POOR PAULY. If that’s stalking, put me in jail right now and take my “recent calls” log in my phone for evidence. At least it will get me out of work for the day, and maybe I can get a hot cop’s number to call 95 times.

Pauly D Jersey Shore

Vinny

MTV has been airing a lot of specials leading up to this new season of Jersey Shore, and I have to admit, Vinny is looking good. Is this embarrassing? Should I have kept this information between myself and my diary? Please disregard. Vinny’s worst moment on the show comes early when he sleeps with the boss/landlord’s girlfriend in season one. Vinny! Everyone knows you don’t shit where you eat. You deserve a punch for being so stupid. Vinny goes to work terrified he’s getting evicted, but Danny just gives him a warning. Clearly Danny’s girlfriend doesn’t cook for him either, because he should be wayyyyy more pissed.

Sammi

Yes, I did say the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet is not returning this time around, but I couldn’t write this roundup without throwing a little “Ron STAHHHHP” at you.

Jersey Shore Rahn Stahp

And there you have it! I didn’t include Deena on this roundup because she wasn’t an original Jersey Shore cast member—if you’re dying to know her worst moments, feel free to slave over the Wikipedia page like I just did. All I can say is I hope the moments I mentioned here pale in comparison to how much I want to punch them all tonight. Cabs are here!