So, Paris Hilton turned 38 on Feb. 17. That might not seem like news, and it shouldn’t be, except that I noticed on Instagram stories that she’s still celebrating with friends literally an entire month later. Naturally. And by “celebrating with friends” I mean I spotted her awkwardly bopping around to music in her nightclub while mouthing “yasssss” in a series of Instagram stories over the weekend. Loves it.
And if you didn’t catch that, I said her nightclub. And I don’t mean it in the way Lindsay Lohan owns a beach club in Mykonos, I mean like, Paris Hilton has her own nightclub in her home. Across the hall from her movie theater. If you pass the bathroom with the diamond encrusted toilet, you’ve gone too far. Yes, if we were reminded of anything from this party, aside from the fact that Paris’s rekindled friendship with Kim Kardashian is still intact (Kim was not only present, but featured in a few of Paris’s Instagrams), it’s that she has a full-blown dance club in her house—complete with a stripper pole and DJ booth.
View this post on Instagram
Paris shared this photo below swinging from the pole like any 38-year-old millionaire dressed in head-to-toe glitter would, captioning that she’s living her best life. Understatement, but ok. This brings up some larger questions: Is there a dress code involved? What about security? And, most importantly, if you go to the nightclub in your own house, are you technically going out or staying in?
View this post on Instagram
After writing my mother a strongly worded letter about why I should’ve been a trust fund baby, I found myself lost in a rabbit hole of photos of Paris Hilton’s mansion. Not gonna lie, it was a real kick to the ego as I sat on my IKEA couch with a three-day-old red wine stain on it. So I thought it was a good idea for us to look through the pics together, because misery loves company. Paris Hilton’s mansion is insane, in more ways than one, and I need everybody to know about it.
Let’s start small(ish). Here we have the dog mansion—separate from her actual mansion—that she built for her pets, equipped with heating, air conditioning, and a f*cking chandelier. I also heard there may or may not be a big screen TV that plays The Simple Life season one on repeat for when the dogs get bored or need a little perspective on privilege and the value of a dollar. You’ll notice that the doggie furniture doesn’t have any wine stains on them, and that it’s larger than many Manhattan apartments.
My dogs live in this two-story doggy mansion that has air conditioning, heating, designer furniture, and a chandelier. Loves it pic.twitter.com/4dXAf5XPXV
— Paris Hilton (@ParisHilton) August 25, 2017
And here’s a glimpse into Paris’ shoe closet, aka Kim Kardashian’s former place of employment!
View this post on Instagram
TBH, when I imagined what Paris Hilton’s closet looked like prior to this extensive research, this is spot-on to what I was thinking it would be. Paris is the modern day Cher Horowitz. Kylie Jenner’s closet full of handbags doesn’t even compare to Paris’s floor-to-ceiling, color-coordinated shoe closet. No wonder Kim’s entire job was just to organize it.
Speaking of Kylie Jenner, it’s easy to make comparisons between the youngest Kar-Jenner sister’s mansion and Paris’s. And, truthfully, I believe Paris Hilton deserves her own spread in Architectural Digest. While Kylie has framed photos of Marilyn Monroe, Barbie, and Trojan condoms adorning her walls, Paris takes her decor one step further. Where Kylie’s wall art serves as a testament to her own lack of personality, Paris’s is a case study in narcissism. For instance, there’s this giant self-portrait that’s made up of smaller photos of herself just casually chilling in her home. I’ve got to commend Paris on this—if you’re going to be conceited, at least be creative about it.
I have a giant portrait of myself in my house made up of tiny pics of me. Lol pic.twitter.com/hmH4xql9rt
— Paris Hilton (@ParisHilton) August 19, 2017
But the literal shrine to Paris’s own self-involvement doesn’t end there. In another room, Paris has framed her magazine covers. Now, normally this is where I’d poke fun at the fact that one of the covers is from literally 2005, which feels like another century, but it’s not like I’ve ever graced the cover of Playboy, so who am I to judge? If I was on the cover of every magazine from Marie Claire to Vogue, I would not only frame that sh*t up in my apartment, I’d also carry around wallet-size photos to hand out to everyone I met like business cards.
View this post on Instagram
I’m so excited to judge the @YaDoggie #Halloween Costume Contest! My babies have been loving their @YaDoggie food! Get your pup in a Halloween costume & submit to win 1 Year of free dog food! I’ll pick from the top vote-getters! Enter with link in the @YaDoggie bio or at yadoggie.com/costume. Good luck! ??? (Link in bio??)
And finally, we have yet another room that screams, “I’m really f*cking rich!” (And obsessed with myself—check out that painting in the back.) I can only assume this is the kind of room that no one is actually allowed to enter, it just serves as a museum of money.
And there you have it, friends. Paris Hilton’s mansion. Do you feel poor yet? Great, same. While the jury is still out on if Paris has any other decor other than her own face (where are her mirrors? Does she have framed pictures of literally any other human?), you have to admit her home is pretty f*cking amazing. And I actually think Paris Hilton’s mansion gives us some great insight into her (very much existent) personality. Namely, I don’t think Paris Hilton takes herself all that seriously. Like, yeah, she has framed pictures of herself everywhere, but judging by the flippant way she talks about those pictures, I feel like it’s more because she thinks it’s funny than a compulsion to look at herself. Similarly, the way she uses her own catchphrase when sharing pictures of her dog mansion tells me that she built her dogs a palace not because she thinks her dogs need it, but because she can. Paris Hilton’s mansion is the definition of excess for excess’ sake. It’s fun. It’s ridiculous. But when you have that much money, why not?
Images: Shutterstock; parishilton / Instagram (5); ParisHilton / Twitter
As someone who grew up in the 2000s at the height of celebrity socialite culture, Paris Hilton is basically my Jesus. I don’t go to church, but if Paris Hilton started a cult, I know I’d probably drink the Kool-Aid. If Scott Disick is the Lord, then Paris is the Virgin Mary. Or something. Do I sound crazy? Sorry, I’m just a little busy respecting my elders over here.
Tomorrow, February 17, is Queen Paris’ birthday, and she’ll be 37 years old. She clearly either has good genes or good doctors, because she truly doesn’t look a day over 30. Paris, call me, I want to ask you some questions about your skincare regimen. As a special tribute for her special day, we decided to take a look back at some of her most random, ridiculous, extra moments. If Paris Hilton is anything, she’s extra as FUCK. This woman has absolutely no fucks to give, and why should she? She’s rich, she’s hot, she’s popular. Okay, if we went to school together she definitely wouldn’t have been friends with me. Either way, here are all the random reasons we love Paris Hilton.
1. She Had A TV Show To Find A Best Friend
Okay, we love Paris, but, like, who does this? It’s actually the most extra thing we can imagine. You also can’t forget about when she did a version in England to find her British BFF, because everyone should have at least one best friend in every country. Really, we’re just happy Tinkerbell had a say in the matter.
2. She And Nicole Richie Agreed To Do ‘The Simple Life’
I’m honestly still in awe that this show ever happened. I’d love to know exactly what made these two rich betches from LA sign up to live on a farm and do manual labor, because I would need a lot of money to do that and I’m poor af to begin with. Just remember, you can call me Princess Paris or Bitch, nothing else.
3. And Then She Agreed To Do Four More Seasons
But like, thank God this show happened. It never gets old, and the gifs are seriously great. There’s nothing else that’s quite as early 2000s as The Simple Life, from the crispy hair and fake tans to the legitimately awful video quality. Seriously, what did we do before HD TVs were invented?
4. She Attempted A Music Career In 2006
Okay, now I’m going to have “Stars Are Blind” on repeat for the rest of the day. Paris Hilton might not be a gifted vocalist, and I’m still not convinced she didn’t just hire Gwen Stefani for the vocals and not tell anyone, but you can’t claim that this song isn’t at least moderately catchy. The music video is blissfully grainy, truly allowing Paris to live her vintage lounge singer fantasy.
5. And Then She Revived That Music Career On Valentine’s Day This Year
Why aren’t more people talking about this??? Paris Hilton celebrated her first Valentine’s Day as an engaged woman by dropping a music video for a new song, which is basically just her speak-singing for three minutes about how much she loves her man. Our favorite part is when she’s posed on a couch (shaped like lips, natch) next to a Birkin bag. She’s a motherfucking icon.
6. She Traveled The World As A DJ
No DJ set is complete without Chanel gloves, obvs. Paris is famous for her yearly summer DJ residence in Ibiza, where she shoots foam into a crowd of coked-up European tourists who probably don’t even realize that it’s her. She’s also DJ’d in India and Mykonos, because, like, same. It’s unclear how serious she is about being an actual DJ, but we’re here for the fantasy.
7. She Made Kim Kardashian Organize Her Entire Closet
You literally can’t get further from the Kim of 2018 than hearing her say, “Yes, Paris,” to Paris’s demands. Kim must honestly be haunted by the fact that her hard labor was caught on camera, but she worked her way up. Paris, meanwhile, probably has a messy-ass closet, unless she’s found some other desperate celebrity wannabe to organize it for her. I wonder what Jonathan Cheban is doing…
8. Paris Hilton Literally Gave Birth to Kim Kardashian
The Kardashians should probably write Paris a big fat check if they don’t want the Hilton mafia at their door. And by the Hilton mafia, I basically just mean Kyle and Kim Richards. Did you know they’re related to Paris? Because they only manage to mention it like ten times per episode of RHOBH. Love ya girlies, hope Kim is doing okay.
9. She’s Made Like, 100 Different Perfumes
Do we think Rosé Rush is edible as well? I’ve never thought about the possibilities of a combination wine/perfume, but honestly it would make sense. Paris has also recently branched out into making fragrances for men, because what self-respecting man wouldn’t want to buy a bottle of Paris Hilton cologne? She’s giving the gays everything they want this year.
10. She Made “That’s Hot” Hot
Is it bad that now I kind of want a trucker hat? I’m still not sure I’m feeling those sunglasses, but Paris must have sent Von Dutch’s trucker hat sales through the roof. I still say “that’s hot” at least 17 times in daily conversation, because what the fuck else would I say? We love a legend.
So happy birthday to Paris, and god bless her extra shit. She’s a pop culture icon, and if you disagree then literally why are you on this website? We don’t know what Paris’s birthday wish will be, but we’re wishing that Nicole Richie will text her on her birthday, that she’ll have a beautiful flawless wedding, and that all her millions of miniature pets will have another year of good health. Also seriously, what skincare products does she use?
Images: Giphy (7); @parishilton / Instagram
It’s been almost 10 years since The Simple Life first aired (Jesus, we’re old) and I, for one, mourn its loss every day. If you didn’t watch this show then I can only assume you were one of the few girls in my middle school class whose yearbook photo did not include blue clip-on hair extensions from Claire’s (an iconic look from the show) and, subsequently, years of regret. You lucky bitches. If you did watch this show then you know that Paris and Nicole were the gift that kept on giving. Tbh I’ve never felt more a part of the 99 percent’s inner circle than when watching those bitches shudder at doing chores and call one another sluts in front of a Midwestern homemaker in a “Jesus Loves Me” sweater. Kindred. Spirits. I already know that if I were older, richer, and living in the 90210 I would totally have been a valued member of their squad. Definitely ranked above Kim K aka their closet cleaner. Definitely. Paris and Nicole also had some truly timeless advice for young betches growing up. From fashion to love to work ethic they kept it the realest. So in honor of the show’s 10 year anniversary (again, kill me I’m so ancient) here are 10 times Paris and Nicole were literally us:
1. When they were soooo down to earth
Celebrities, they’re just like us! Except instead of asking for 25 cents I’m usually asking for, like, $49, 604. Similar, but different.
2. When they came up with this genius life hack:
^me anytime my boss asks me to order supplies. Um, do I not look busy to you rn? Yes, I might be 100 percent using my work computer to google Bachelorette conspiracy theories but that’s neither here nor there, CAROL.
3. That time people were trying to get in the way of Paris living her best life
A classic line and one I have used numerous times on friends who refuse to let me
live my best life sit and binge watch Netflix for hours. You’re never more blessed then when you’re sitting in a dark room with you and your four closest TV shows.
4. When they made you realize that you should never chase after a boy
Sage advice and words I whisper to myself every time I lie awake at night and wonder why no one has messaged me first on Bumble.
5. When they proved they’d make amazing housewives
Honestly, same. Betches know that chores are for peasants, but seeing as I
am a peasant live in Brooklyn I’m constantly internally debating if I should pay someone to clean my apartment (lol like I can afford Handy) or pay rent. A Sophie’s Choice, if you will. I’m with Nicole on this one though. You can’t expect me to be funny, pretty, AND able to wash a dish. Sorry, not gonna happen.
6. That time they educated America’s youth and gave some v important life advice
Any true betch knows that if you hope to
make it in this world have a thriving Instagram account then you should never allow the world to see your natural self. You think life’s tough now, kid, just wait until you’re competing with the Ariel Winters of this world. Stuffing your bra will be the least of your worries, honey.
7. When they were creative problem solvers
^An exact thought that runs through my mind every time the MTA tries to
screw me write me a ticket for walking through without swiping.
8. This iconic fight:
Honestly, how could you? I don’t even want to get started on the heinous fashion choices featured on this show (colored hair extensions, bedazzled graphic tees, CHANDELIER BELLY JEWELRY), but Nicole did grow up to run a thriving fashion line so, like, #ImWithHer.
9. That time Nicole just DGAF
Aside from the fact that they’re both dead inside, they also blatantly gave zero fucks throughout the show. I don’t remember this episode specifically but I can only assume that they’re about to crash this truck and/or ruin someone’s livelihood, and then call their rich daddies to transfer more money into their accounts. Never change, girls. Never change.
10. When Paris made you realize that we’re all just Heiresses at heart
If there’s one thing this show has taught me, it’s to live life like a heiress who’s been momentarily separated from her wealth. Some people might call that living “irresponsibly” or “above my means” but tbh it just sounds like jealousy to me. So thanks Paris and Nicole, the world will never forget you, your wise words, or your horrible hair extensions.