What You Need To Know About The $2 Trillion Coronavirus Relief Package

Well, well, well, look who decided to do their jobs. After a contentious few days of disagreeing on what tf should be included in the coronavirus bill, it is starting to look like Democrats, Republicans and the White House have agreed that economic collapse occasioned by a global pandemic should have some sort of financial remedy.

Democrats received some heat after rejecting the original coronavirus bill drafted by Republicans, but it looks as though their move has paid off. Revisions have been made that will support working people and, stay with me here, not give a blank check to big businesses.

Gotta love when your government is like, “UGH okay, FINE, we’ll consider the value of human lives as opposed to the value of money, a concept that is literally made up.”

Passed by the Senate late last night, the final product is the largest economic stimulus in modern history. Even bigger than 2009.

So, what exactly is included in this bad boy? I’m gonna break that down for you, hon. No, no, it’s really no problem. I’ve been able to set aside some time in my VERY busy quarantined schedule. Had to postpone sitting in my room and staring at the wall/screaming for this. You’re welcome.

The $500 Billion Loan Program for Businesses Will Have A Babysitter

The main ish Dems had with the Republican’s bill was how it gave so much to businesses and appeared to allow the Trump Admin to decide willy nilly which businesses get what amount, which they cannot be trusted to do since exchanging cash for political favors is one of Trump’s favorite past times.

Now, the “corporate slush fund” at least has some checks and balances. There will likely be an appointed inspector and congressional committee which will oversee the funds. theoretically, this means big biz can’t just use the bailouts to give themselves raises and buy back their stocks (**cough post-2008 recession cough**) instead of hiring back their workers.

It also means Trump can’t just be like, “$500 billion to Trump hotels and none for Gretchen Wieners anyone else.” In fact, Minority Leader Sen. Chuck Schumer’s office announced they secured a provision that will “prohibit businesses controlled by the President, Vice President, Members of Congress, and heads of Executive Departments from receiving loans or investments from Treasury programs.” We love to see it.

Municipalities will also have access to this fund

Unemployment Is Getting A Glow Up

Idk if you heard, but coronavirus is ruining everything and has led to a lot of people getting laid off. A massive 3.3 million people filed for unemployment last week. Our programs are not equipped for this kind of crisis. It’s almost like government-funded benefits serve a purpose and are meant to be in place for times like this? Hm, will have to look into this later.

Anyway, since the current unemployment programs can’t possibly cover everyone who needs them right now, this bill proposes to help them out. The bill will increase unemployment insurance by $600 per week for four months. This benefit would extend to gig economy workers, freelancers, and furloughed workers who are still getting health insurance from their employers but are not receiving a paycheck.

If you have recently been laid off, this is for you. You can file for unemployment! And if you’re a freelancer or gig worker who has lost work, you can apply now too, which was not the case before.

$1,200 Checks Oprah Style. Kind Of.

Okay this one applies to many of us. Yay. Adults who make $75k or less annually, according to their tax returns, will receive a one time check of $1,200. You also get $500 per child in your household.

This is nice but is a bit of a bandaid on a bullet wound situation, imo. There’s no guarantee that more money will be coming, and tbh $1,200 doesn’t go that far for many of us. For many, this will mean being able to pay rent and then continuing to worry about how to put food on the table. For others it will mean being able to put a small dent in medical bills they have been slammed with because of coronavirus.

It’s a start, and I hope it provides you with some relief, but I hope to see more int he future.

At a press conference on Wednesday, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin said he expects direct payments to go out in about three weeks.

Hospitals Can Have A Little Help, As A Treat

Thank fucking god. Hospitals are, uh, pretty important during a pandemic. Go figure. The bill will contain $150 billion for hospitals treating coronavirus patients. $100 billion will go to hospitals, $1 billion will go to the Indian Health Service, and the remainder will be used to increase medical equipment capacity.

Wild that privatizing healthcare didn’t hold up in the end.

Small Businesses Can Hang Too

There would be $367 billion in the bill aimed at providing loans for small businesses that retain their workers in this bill. Amazing that smaller, local businesses, which typically make less money than large businesses, get less money from the government than the big ones who don’t need it as much do.

Incredible system. No notes.

I sincerely hope this helps keep our favorite local cafes, bars, restaurants, boutiques, etc. afloat.

And A Lil’ Something For Local Gov

With the bill, $150 billion would be given to state and local governments who are dealing with the impacts of the crisis in their local communities, including $8 billion for tribal governments. That’s nice.

The bill also includes eliminated interest on student loans through September, $400 million to support main-in voting, $450 million for the Emergency Food Assistance Program, and a delay on the REAL ID requirement.

Is This It?

Not if it’s up to Nancy Pelosi. The Speaker of the House said she hopes to send another round of direct payments to Americans in a subsequent package.

 

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5 Insane Things That Came Out Of The President’s Mouth Yesterday

Another day of his presidency, another day Donald Trump has held a rally. I’d also like to hold rallies where people shouted in support of me every day, but this isn’t a freshman year dorm party where I’m doing my first keg stand. To no one’s surprise, Trump said a bunch of ridiculous BS at a rally for The Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz in Houston yesterday, which I’m sure the MAGA crowd is getting framed as inspirational Pinterest quotes or whatever. Here’s the worst of it from his rally for Ted Cruz yesterday.

Ted Cruz Has A New Nickname

A great joy of mine has been watching Republicans who once vehemently hated Trump now pretend like he is a a-okay dude. My favorite of these is Ted Cruz who Trump called Lyin’ Ted. Well, the prez has a new nickname for the Texas Senator and no it’s not Beta-Cuck O’Rourke. It’s Beautiful Ted, which maybe is meant to be a compliment but feels incredibly creepy coming from Trump.

Dems Are Releasing Criminals Like They’re Rabid Animals

Not like Trump has ever had anything very positive to say about Democrats, criminals, or undocumented persons, but he really outdid himself during this speech. His exact words were: “Democrat immigration policies allow poisonous drugs and MS-13 to pour into our country, and Democrat sanctuary cities release dangerous criminals from jail and into your neighborhoods.” Damn Donald. Tell us how you really feel. 

Boat Party

For some unknown reason Trump seems to think that the people in Texas who lived through Hurricane Harvey were out in the storm on floating crafts, just like…chillin. Like, I think he is warning those people to not go out in boats, but nothing in this clip is a full sentence and I wouldn’t be heeding advice from this man anyways.

Move over Maya Angelou

Trump has figured out how to rhyme. This puts him right on track for entering first grade. His new favorite phrase is “Democrats produce mobs, Republicans produce jobs.” 

Cat’s Out Of The Bag

Trump came right out and said he is a nationalist. We all sort of figured this but the idea is even if he is a nationalist, there ought to be some coyness to it, right? Like I don’t just come out and say I come home after work everyday, get into pajamas, and binge watch Netflix. I lead you to believe I am better than this. Other famous nationalists? Nazis! Just saying!

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These Are The Colleges With The Most Star-Studded Political Alums

Picking the college you wanted to go to was def a stressful time. You wanted to go the best school you could get into with the major you thought you wanted to do, until you changed your mind approximately five thousand times. Most importantly, you wanted a place where you’d get the full college experience AKA tailgates and blacking out on the reg. However, your valedictorian was probs a little bit more concerned with how their college was going to set them up for the rest of their lives, and if their goal was to be elected to office one day, then they def knew this list of schools that are heavily represented in Congress.

Georgetown

Okay, so this is a no brainer. Obviously the kid who was class president since like, fourth grade and told everyone they’d be president one day went to school in DC. Georgetown has the most members in Congress with a high 17 rn. This is only undergrad too, not even all of the reps that went to law or grad school here. So how smart would you have to be now to get in? According to a website called prepscholar.com you would need to get a 34/36 on your ACT and have over a 4.0 GPA to even get in, so you better start hitting the books. Overall the members that went to Georgetown are pretty evenly split between Dems and Repubs, they are also from all over the country. You can bet that a lot of them started doing congressional internships their freshman year, so if you want to be a Washington insider by the time you’re 20, then this is where you need to be.

Alumni in Congress: Rep. Jodey Arrington (R-TX), Sen. John Barrasso (R-WY), Rep. Henry Cuellar (D-TX), Rep. Debbie Dingell (D-MI), Rep. Jeff Fortenberry (R-NE), Rep. Mike Gallagher (R-WI), Rep. Trey Hollingsworth (R-IN), Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D-WA), Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY), Rep. Mick Mulvaney (R-SC), Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK), Rep. Stephanie Murphy (D-FL), Rep. Stacey Plaskett (D-VI), Rep. Francis Rooney (R-FL),  Sen. Dan Sullivan (R-AK), Rep. Filemon Vela (D-TX), and Rep. Pete Visclosky (D-IN).

Yale

Obv the Ivy leagues are going to be up on this list because like, duh. Yale has 15 members in Congress, which is the highest of the Ivy’s, so good for you, Yale. There’s a v high number of 6 senators from Yale, but that makes sense because the Senate has a reputation of thinking it’s better than the House and Yale kids probably think their high IQ makes them better than other people too.

Alumni in Congress: Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OH), Rep. Tom Cole (R-OK), Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE), Rep. Ron DeSantis (R-FL), Rep. Elizabeth Esty (D-CT), Rep. Brett Guthrie (R-KY), Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX), Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), Sen. Bill Nelson (D-FL), Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton (D), Rep. David Price (D-NC), Sen. Ben Sasse (R-NE), Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX), Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI), and Rep. John Yarmuth (D-KY)

Stanford

This is a hot spot for the California members to have attended and tbh they have the best of both worlds because it’s a great school and also, Cali, I’m jealous. Stanford has many well known alumni that these reps may have seen in the dining hall, like Tiger Woods and Elon Musk. All but one of the 13 current members from Stanford are Dems, so if you want to sit outside in the California sunshine while discussing the Dem plan for America’s future, this is where you want to be. Side note: these are also v well known names that you will know if you watch the news, so Stanford is def a quality over quantity type of school.  

Alumni in Congress: Rep. Xavier Becerra (D-CA), Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ), Rep. Joaquin Castro (D-TX), Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), Rep. Joe Kennedy (D-MA), Rep. Ted Lieu (D-CA), Rep. Dan Lipinski (D-IL), Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-CA), Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-OR), Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA), Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner (R-WI), Sen. Tina Smith (D-MN), and Sen. Ron Wyden (D-OR)

Harvard

What, like it’s hard? Even Elle Woods crossed over into the DC political scene in Legally Blonde II, so naturally Harvard has 10 members in Congress. These members had to have incred grades back in the day, because none of these reps got in based off of a bikini personal video submission… that we know of. There is also a long list of Congressional members that have gotten a law degree or MBA from Harvard as well, but we all know undergrad is the one you actually attend.

Alumni in Congress: Rep. Brendan Boyle (D-PA), Rep. Katherine Clark (D-MA), Rep. Mike Coffman (R-CO), Rep. Gerry Connolly (R-VA), Rep. John Garamendi (D-CA), Rep. Jimmy Gomez (D-CA), Rep. Brian Higgins (D-NY), Rep. Jim Langevin (D-RI), Rep. Martha McSally (R-AZ), and Sen. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD)

Brigham Young University

PSA: This is probably the easiest school to get into on this list (not that that says much). However, you should probably be a Mormon if you attend because the religious affiliation at BYU is no joke. If you are a southwestern Mormon (is that a thing, idk) then you 100 p knew that Brigham Young is where all the Mormon kids looking to get into politics go. The school is owned by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, so be ready to do a year of missions and graduate in 5 years, because that’s what a majority of the student body does. You may also want to be a Republican because that’s what eight of the nine members are and its v possible faith has a link to some conservative thought here.

Alumni in Congress: Rep. Andy Biggs (R- AZ), Rep.Jason Chaffetz (R-UT), Sen. Mike Crapo (R-ID), Rep. John Curtis (R-UT), Sen. Jeff Flake (R-AZ), Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT), Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID), Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT), Rep. Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ)

We’re not saying that you have to go to one of these schools to be a member of Congress, but it seemed to work out pretty well for these alumni. Don’t worry if you can’t get into one of  these top schools though, because some reps have gone to community college and I bet some of them weren’t straight A students either.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!