The running theme of Michael Cohen, personal attorney to President Trump and former Executive Vice President at the Trump organization, has been ride-or-die loyalty to all that is The Donald. In a bros-before-hoes frat boy declaration, Cohen once declared that he would “take a bullet” for Trump, which is pretty impressive considering not even all members of the secret service were prepared to die for him
During George Stephanopoulos’ ABC interview Saturday night at the Manhattan hotel where Cohen has been living, his loyalty seemed to be waning. Speculations that Cohen could flip have been floating around since April, when the FBI raided his offices and homes. The President, of course, couldn’t resist offering up his own opinion, tweeting in April that “most people will flip if the government lets them out of trouble, even if it means lying or making up stories. Sorry, I don’t see Michael doing that.” Sorry, but we’ll see about that.
Cohen Says His Loyalty is To His Family
When Cohen was asked directly who he would choose if prosecutors forced him to protect either President Trump or his family, Cohen said that his family is “his first priority.” What about taking a bullet for your boy, Cohen? When Stephanopoulos reminded him of his bullet vow, Cohen said, “To be crystal clear, my wife, my daughter and my son, and this country have my first loyalty.”
No Compliments for Trump
Cohen was sure not to praise the president at all during the interview, and he even dared to criticize the way that Trump has been publicly resisting the federal investigations. He defended his own cooperation by adding, “Once I understand what charges might be filed against me, if any at all, I will defer to my new counsel, Guy Petrillo, for guidance.”
He Won’t Be a Punching Bag
Cohen emphasized that everything he says during the investigation will not be out of loyalty to Trump, but rather the advice of his lawyer, Guy Petrillo. Once Petrillo formerly assumes his position, the previous joint defense agreement between Trump and Cohen is over. This means that Trump and Cohen’s lawyers will no longer be allowed to share documents or other information with each other, and they could start playing real dirty. When asked what he’ll do if Trump’s legal team attempts to undermine his previous work to protect the president, Cohen said, “I will not be a punching bag as part of anyone’s defense strategy. I am not a villain of this story, and I will not allow others to try to depict me that way.”
He Changed His Tune on Stormy Daniels
The one thing we’re all interested in: the $130,000 payment Cohen gave to porn star Stephanie Clifford, aka Stormy Daniels nearly two weeks before the 2016 election so that she would keep quiet. The transaction could possibly be a violation of campaign finance law, which would mean bad things for Cohen. When asked before if Trump told him to pay Stormy off and promised to pay him back, Cohen said he acted on his own will. Not anymore, though. Cohen said “I want to answer. One day I will answer. But for now, I can’t comment further on advice of my counsel.” All I can gather from this is that Trump and Cohen were at brunch and Trump was like, “Hey can you cover up a porn star affair for me? I’ll just venmo you.” He never venmo’d.
He Respects the FBI and The Mueller Investigation
Trump called the FBI break-in of Cohen’s home, “attack on our country, in a true sense. It’s an attack on what we all stand for.” Cohen, however, disagreed. “I don’t agree with those who demonize or vilify the FBI. I respect the FBI as an institution, as well as their agents.” He also refused to call the Mueller investigation a “witch hunt.” “As an American,” he said, “I repudiate Russia’s or any other foreign government’s attempt to interfere or meddle in our democratic process, and I would call on all Americans to do the same.”
He Just Wants His Life Back
Cohen said he hopes the interview is the first steps toward regaining his name, reputation and life back. Cough up the details on Stormy, and maybe we’ll be with you, Mike.
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Yesterday the FBI reenacted an episode of MTV’s Room Raiders but instead of a exposing a boy with bleached tip’s dirty mattress, they went after Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen and tax documents. With the news as insane as it is, it’s easy to be like who tf is Michael Cohen. Here’s a breakdown of who he is, why he’s in trouble, why Trump’s freaking out, and if he’s cute (lol he’s not.)
Who TF Is Michael Cohen?
Michael Cohen is a longtime friend, ally, and lawyer of Donald Trump. He looks like a boring dad from a lesser known frat. When he was an executive at the Trump Organization people called him the “pit bull,” (not to be confused with Pitbull). In 2011, Cohen explained the nickname to ABC. “It means that if somebody does something Mr. Trump doesn’t like, I do everything in my power to resolve it to Mr. Trump’s benefit, if you do something wrong, I’m going to come at you, grab you by the neck, and I’m not going to let you go until I’m finished.”
Now, I didn’t go to law school but that sounds like intimidation, which is illegal? Anyways, it doesn’t matter if that is illegal because there are other issues that definitely are illegal that he’s currently in hot water for.
Wtf Did He Do?
If you thought you were done hearing about Stormy Daniels, the First Lady that should’ve been, you’re not in luck. Cohen admitted to paying the porn star $130,000, but claimed it was from his own money. He also wasn’t clear on why he paid her, but we got the deets thanks to that informative and educational 60 Minutes special she appeared on the other week. While it isn’t illegal for him to have paid her with his own money, if he was reimbursed by the Trump campaign or organization in any way, Cohen is in big trouble.
While yesterday’s raid was separate from the Mueller investigation, Cohen’s lawyer, Stephen Ryan, says that the raid was, in part, because of a referral from Mueller’s office. Mueller is being a messy bitch who lives for drama right now and we should all take notes on how he is expertly ruining people’s lives and office organizational systems.
The FBI confiscated documents related to Stormy Daniels, Trump’s taxes, communications with Trump, and other business records. I imagine they also had to file through lots of far away photos of Ivanka with hearts drawn around her. They also raided the hotel room Cohen had been staying in in NYC. I am pre-ordering my tickets for the inevitable movie that’s going to be made about this event. But before that happens, you’re probs wondering, if Trump mad?
Is Trump Mad?
Duh.
Wtf Is He Going To Do?
Well, so far he’s angrily tweeted like a petulant teen whose mother read through their diary. But that is par for course.
A TOTAL WITCH HUNT!!!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 10, 2018
He held a press conference after the raid calling it a “real disgrace” and “attack on our country.” He also brazenly speculated if he should fire Mueller as if it were a group text with the girls and was wondering if he should break up with his boyfriend. Firing Mueller would be legitimately insane and very bad. Like, ring the alarm bad. If that happens, take off your heels, clear your calendar, get in the car, we’re going protesting.
Now What?
Honestly, now we just have to sort of wait to see what happens. But it seems like every politician on earth has their butthole clenched in anticipation. So maybe now is the time to do a face mask, take a bath, and pray that when you look at your phone twenty minutes later we have a new president.
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On the first day of Christmas, Bob Mueller gave to me, another guest at the indictment partyyy.
In case you haven’t heard yet, on Friday, former national security advisor Michael Flynn pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI regarding communications with Russia so….WE GOT HIM. *cue air horns and confetti* Oh wait. There’s no guarantee that this will impact the Trump presidency and lead to impeachment, and we shouldn’t get our hopes up yet because he’s like a collusion cockroach who will never die no matter how many times you try to stomp on his crunchy orange shell. Sorry to rain on your impeachment parade, but before you fully give up all hope and crawl back into bed for the rest of your life, there still might be a chance that this guilty plea means a shred of something in the fuckery of our current landscape of truth and justice after all.
Why This Might Mean Nothing
So we know Flynn talked to the Russians. Theoretically, this is a BFD for a number of reasons – a major one being that he was sliding into Russia’s DM’s during Trump’s campaign, and after he was already sworn into office. However, there’s one tiny problem: we still don’t know what they talked about, or who knew about it. Apparently, Flynn is set to testify that a “senior Trump transition official” Jared told him to contact the Russians over a U.N. vote on Israeli settlements, but at this point, there’s just as likely a chance that Flynn called Russian officials and promised loosened sanctions in exchange for dirt on Hillary Clinton (illegal), as there are that he just sent a text to Putin that said “hey bb, u up? Eggplant emoji.”
Another big question is how much shady shit Mueller actually found out. If there was direct evidence that Flynn’s interactions with the Russians were super illegal and counted as collusion, why did he only get charged for lying to the FBI? If lying was seriously the worst thing he did, the odds of some swift and brutal justice are not very high. Considering every third word out of our President’s mouth is a lie and he’s still inexplicably in charge, I won’t hold my breath on this one. Also, everybody poops lies. I’m not going to say I would ever tell a little fib to get myself out of jury duty because that would mean a possible criminal charge, but I’m just saying that I could if I had to…
Why This Might Mean Everything
So aside from the fact that we know Flynn is a liar liar pants on fire, the thing that everyone really cares about is how can Mueller use this to nail down that whole Russia-colluded-to-rig-the-election fact theory.
MUELLER: We gotta crack Michael Flynn. We crack Flynn, we crack the lock on Trump’s whole dirty history with the Russians.
JAMES COMEY: Say crack again.
MULLER: Crack.
Flynn has already agreed to “fully cooperate” with all questioning from the special counsel regarding his communication with Russia and what he knows as far as the Trump campaign’s dealings as well. Aka some really juicy and incriminating secrets might come out, and Flynn has the power to put everyone on blast. You also have to remember that Flynn committed a lot of high-key crimes, so the fact that Mueller indicted him on lying to the FBI, one of his lower-key criminal activities, signals that Flynn has likely cut a deal with Mueller to get off on a lesser crime in exchange for pushing Regina George the entire White House under the bus.
On Saturday morning, Trumps grubby fingers might have dug his own grave a little deeper when he tweeted the following in response to Flynn’s indictment.
Basically what this means, is that if Trump knew about Flynn’s lies back when he fired him, and then told FBI director James Comey to “go easy on him” in his investigation, that is some MAJOR obstruction of justice. Everyone besides the Hairpiece in Chief realized this insane fuckup the minute it was released into the Twitterverse, so Trump’s personal lawyer, John Dowd tried to take the hit and claim that he was the one who really wrote the tweet. Sure, John, sure. You expect us to believe that you A – have access to the Twitter account of a certified maniac and have done nothing to stop his nonsensical tirades thus far? and B – have a law degree and (presumably) a shred of dignity and self respect, and still went on the President’s personal Twitter to write something stupid enough to potentially incriminate him in an impeachable offense? All signs point to you’re full of shit. But I truly admire your efforts, and hopefully Donny still keeps that friendship bracelet you made him and doesn’t fire your ass.
So I guess, at the moment, this is sadly still another case of “wait and see if this will mean anything at all for the Russia investigation.” However, it’s the best case we’ve gotten so far, and since it is December I am officially invoking the hopeful spirit of Christmas to make my impeachment wishes come true. Dear Santa, I happen to know a certain Russia-colluding liar who is definitely on the Naughty List this year, and I promise I’ll be nice if you put a big lump of coal and criminal charges in his stocking.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
