Incredible news: Casey Affleck has announced his plan to fuck off during this year’s Academy Awards. It’s tradition for the last ‘Best Actor’ winner to present this year’s ‘Best Actress’ winner, but Affleck has opted out, claiming he doesn’t want to take the focus away from the women and their performances. Before you go and deem him a hero, let’s recap on what a scum-sucking road whore he is and then delve into what his decision is really about, shall we?
You may remember Casey Affleck causing some controversy at the Oscars last year when he showed up looking like Rumpelstiltskin in a suit amid some serious sexual harassment allegations. This was pre-#metoo, back when men who were accused of sexual abuse were rewarded with Oscar nominations and Woody Allen was still a thing. Dark times.
Anyway, Affleck was sued for sexual harassment by two female crew members on the set of I’m Still Here in 2010. The allegations included him ordering male crew members to flash their dicks to the women, referring to women as “cows,” trying to get the women to sleep in the same bed as him at their hotel, and then sneaking into bed with one of them after she rejected his offer. In short, he is a heaping pile of human garbage.
Despite the allegations, Affleck still won the Oscar for his performance in Manchester by the Sea last year. I didn’t see it, but I’m pretty sure it’s one of those films where a sad, white boy is sad and there’s a sea that he gazes at while sad, and then everybody claps. Whatever.
So, now Casey Affleck is suddenly a champion for women and believes they deserve to have their moment without him. We’re not complaining that we don’t have to see his pube-face at the Oscars, but we are calling bullshit on his excuse. I think we all know he’s stepping down because he’s afraid of getting bitch-slapped by whichever woman wins the Oscar. Aw, poor baby.
Have a nice life, Casey Affleck. You can go shave your back now.
In case you’ve been living under a rock recently, sexual harassment has kind of been having a moment. I mean, if you talked to women ever you’d probably know that sexual harassment’s “moment” has lasted throughout all of human history, but whatever. While the rampant sexual abuse in the entertainment industry may have come as a surprise to
men some people, for those of us who watch TV like it’s our fucking job, *points to self* it’s come as less of a surprise.
Some of our favorite TV shows, movies, and award shows were sounding the alarm about creeps like Harvey Weinstein for years, but nobody gave a fuck because like, sexual harassment wasn’t having its moment yet. So here’s a look back at five times Hollywood literally told us Harvey Weinstein was a fucking creep, and we just totally failed to notice it because we were too busy with other shit.
1. ’30 Rock’
30 Rock, aka one of the best, most binge-watchable comedies ever, came for Harvey in both their sixth and seventh seasons, wayyyyy back in 2012. (Ugh, 2012, I miss you. I want to go to there.) And who better to do it than one of the betchiest characters ever created, Jenna Maroney? In season six Jenna says, “I’m not afraid of anyone in show business, I turned down intercourse with Harvey Weinstein on no less than three occasions … out of five.” She then comes for Harvey again in season seven, with the fairly disturbing line, “Look, I get it. I know how former lovers can have a hold of you long after they’re gone. In some ways, I’m still pinned under a passed-out Harvey Weinstein and it’s Thanksgiving.”
So, first of all, yikes. Second of all, wow, I can’t believe nobody noticed this. In our defense, 30 Rock does have like, 25 jokes per second, so it’s hard to zone in on one and decide it’s real and not just some crazy shit Tina Fey came up with. Sidenote: Does this mean Mean Girls is real, too?
2. Seth McFarlane At The 2013 Oscars
In case you, like me, blocked out Seth McFarlane’s sad 2013 attempt at hosting the Oscars (he literally performed a song called “We Saw Your Boobs” directed at Hollywood actresses, because apparently the Oscars are middle school), you may have missed this joke he made while announcing the nominees for best supporting actress:
“Congratulations. You five ladies no longer have to pretend you’re attracted to Harvey Weinstein.”
Hmm…well that’s…fairly explicit. But again, these are comedians! Are we supposed to take everything this guy says seriously? He created Family Guy, for fuck’s sake. According to McFarlane, he wrote the joke after a friend of his confided in him about Weinstein’s behavior, and while he didn’t want to blow up her spot, he “couldn’t help but take a hard swing in direction.” He also added, “make no mistake, this joke came from a place of loathing and anger.”
Damn Seth, tell us how you really feel tho.
This one is like, so explicit I’m almost embarrassed for not remembering it—but then again, I kind of turned my brain off any time I was watching Entourage, so who can blame me, really?
Entourage literally featured a character named Harvey Weingard (subtle), who was a giant, fat, mean monster played by Maury Chaykin. It is “widely believed” that this character was inspired by Weinstein. Um…yeah…ya think?
“Do you know who I am? You’re gonna beg to get back into the pizza business,” Weingard yells in one scene, because like, in addition to being a sexual predator, Harvey Weinstein was also just kind of an asshole.
4 Asia Argento’s ‘Scarlet Diva’
This one is legit sad and disturbing, so let me issue a trigger warning right here: sad and disturbing shit head. One of Harvey Weinstein’s accusers, actress/director/generally brave person Asia Argento, legitimately depicted her encounter with Weinstein in her film Scarlet Diva.
Asia tweeted out the scene (again, there’s trigger warning here) shortly after her allegations against Weinstein came to light, proving that this shit has been on the surface all along.
Final shot of @girlsHBO ep “American Bitch” (with Matthew Rhys) that I directed, also entrance to Harvey Weinstein’s apartment pic.twitter.com/dwWrc1tzK0
— Richard Shepard (@SaltyShep) October 7, 2017
Lol, y’all didn’t think I’d get through this list without a mention of Lena Dunham, did you? In this episode in the last season of Girls, Lena’s character meets with a writer she once greatly admired, but now has “disturbing allegations of sexual misconduct” surrounding him.
Disturbing allegations of sexual misconduct, you say? Who does that sound like?
And if you’re like, “Eh, that could be about any powerful man,” (sad but true, TBH) the director actually hid a clue to the character’s inspiration in the final shot. At the end of the episode, Lena (aka Hannah) walks right past Harvey Weinstein’s actual NYC apartment, as if to say “I know what you did, and I know where you live.” Damn. Savage. Not sure if Harvey Weinstein watches Girls but like, if he does, that must have been pretty shocking.
So there you have it. Turns out half the shit we binge watch while getting stoned on the couch was actually trying to signal very important messages to us.
If you were watching the Oscars last night and were trying to figure out how these people show up looking fucking flawless, join the club. Celebs obviously have to be abnormally skinny and good-looking by default, but like, at what cost? I mean, don’t get me wrong—Emma Stone looked pretty decent in Lala Land, but professionals are paid to edit that shit.
What in the Steve Harvey happened last night? Read our Oscars recap!
We wanted to know what kind of prep goes on before the red carpet, so we did some research into the glamorous lives (and weird diets) of Hollywood’s elite. If you thought stars were actually just like us, think again. Here’s what the celebs do to get ready for the red carpet:
1. They Get Their Faces Shaved
This is not a joke, and it’s not a mistake that some 6th grade girl made because she was too scared to ask her mom for a wax. Celebs literally get their faces shaved before the red carpet and the treatment is technically called Dermaflash. Apparently, by getting rid of some excess peach fuzz and exfoliating your skin, you get that extra fresh glow that “flashing” provides. J.Lo and Jennifer Garner were both spotted getting their “flashing” done at the Beverly Hills Hot Springs and their skin is unreal, so like, we’re trying not to judge.
2. They Get Their Cheekbones Accentuated
We’ve been getting facials before events ever since our middle school graduations, but when it comes to award shows, celebs go to specific professionals who know how to literally manipulate your face to look better on camera. There are specific pros in LA that will only take nominees’ appointments on the day of the Oscars. For example, celeb fave Joanna Vargas is known for her Oxygen Purifying Facial, which uses medical-grade oxygen to erase dull skin and create finer lines to get your cheekbones to look like they’re popping out of your face. Goals, right?
3. They Get Blood Injected Into Their Faces
Botox appointments are just as regular as teeth cleanings in the celeb world, but when it comes to the Oscars, the regular injection doesn’t make the cut. Celebs like Kim Kardashian swear by the “Vampire Facial Lift,” which literally injects blood back into your face by using platelet rich plasma. Apparently it helps make your eyes look wider and your skin look super rejuvenated, and results are immediate. BRB, throwing up.
4. They Wrap Ice Cubes Onto Their Faces
A few days before the show, celebs are having this funky ice concoction wrapped onto their faces. Dr. Nigma Talib, an LA-based naturopathic doctor, works with stars before the Oscars through “icing” their faces. Icing is a process meant to de-puff your face, make your pores more refined, and take away any redness in your skin. She mixes together cucumber water, aloe vera juice, turmeric root, and water into a blender, and then freezes the liquid in an ice tray. Once they’re frozen, she wraps the ice cubes in a washcloth onto their skin until it’s all melted. Sounds pretty unpleasant and it’s probably freezing AF. Aren’t they cold enough from dieting all year-round?
5. They Put Jellyfish On Their Faces
This is another treatment that is super trendy right now in Hollywood, and it sounds like a high school bio experiment we decided to ditch. The jellyfish mask is made from jellyfish collagen, which is supposed to hydrate and firm your face to give you a youthful glow on camera. I don’t even wanna know how much this absurd treatment costs, but you couldn’t pay me to stick a jellyfish on my face. I know it makes you look good, but there are Instagram filters that do that too. We will be doing a follow-up analysis on if anybody ever has to have their face peed on if this treatment goes wrong.
6. They Cut Out Sugar, Gluten, Dairy, & Booze
Try telling a waiter that you’re sugar-free, dairy-free, gluten-free, and you don’t need a cocktail menu either. Celebs like Kate Bosworth, Penelope Cruz, and Sienna Miller follow this no-fun diet for weeks leading up to the Oscars, and it sounds pretty brutal. The worst part is, they probably can’t even complain about it because all their famous friends are on the same fucking diet. I just hope they at least get shitfaced at the afterparty.
The Best & Worst Beauty Looks From The Oscars
The Oscars were last night, but because I have good taste and value my time I instead elected to go see John Wick Chapter 2 before drinking beer and watching a shitload of HGTV. So imagine my non-surprise to wake up and find out that the auspicious event was marred by SCANDAL. Specifically, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway read the wrong card, mistakenly announcing La La Land as Best Picture, before quickly correcting course and announcing Moonlight as the actual winner.
What In The Steve Harvey Just Happened? Read our Oscars 2017 recap here!
(They also used the wrong picture for a lady who passed away in 2016, which, goddamn guys.)
Of course, along with the expected terrible memes and jokes circulating in response to the gaffe, there’s also an explanation. An explanation we all know to be BULLSHIT, friends. No, Bullworth wasn’t simply handed the wrong card. There’s a conspiracy afoot, and it’s time we got to the bottom of it. Here are some potential explanations for how such a (stupid, inconsequential) monumental fuckup came to pass.
Ryan Gosling Wanted The Spotlight
Ryan Gosling knows better than anyone that no one gives a shit about him if he’s not sporting that annoying, smug, fake “aw shucks” shit-eating grin of his. But guess what’s been making the rounds all day? That’s right, headline after headline about how Gosling’s reaction to the mixup was “perfect” and “A+.” Fuck you, Mouseketeer. Your attempt to supplant the cast and crew of Moonlight’s moment of glory is both racist AND homophobic. Because I say so.
Steve Harvey Is A Vindictive Motherfucker
Steve Harvey is an inexplicably powerful force in media, despite his main contributions consisting of contrived eye-rolls and dating advice that amounts to “ladies be nice to your men.” The internet was very pleased, then, when he announced the wrong winner of the Miss Universe pageant in 2015. It’s not much of a stretch to assume he used his vast influence to make another presenter feel his pain. Plus he’s a fame whore, and people started putting him in memes again. It’s a barely-kept secret in Hollywood that Steve Harvey is a voracious consumer of memes.
Someone At PricewaterhouseCooper Wants To Fuck Emma Stone
As we all know by now, the whole fuckup ensued when Warren Beatty was handed a copy of Emma Stone’s envelope announcing her victory for Best Actress. If you were some nerd working at PwC and you wanted to passive-aggressively convey your interest in Emma Stone, what better way to do so than to use HER card to stage a coup and get her on stage again? I would have done the same thing, TBH. She’s such a fox!
Look, while we know that Steve Bannon has no room in his heart for the Jewish Hollywood Elites, it’s hard to imagine he has any more of a soft spot for The Blacks or The Gays (or The Black Gays, which is kind of a dope band name). Since La La Land is a navel-gazing Hollywood movie ABOUT Hollywood, it would have shocked no one if it won. Is it really that hard to believe that he would use his considerable influence to try to derail the proceedings? I definitely don’t think so.
I think we can all agree that Beyoncé should have won Best Picture anyway, so the whole thing was a sham, if you think about it.
The Best & Worst Dressed At The Oscars, AKA Who Needs To Try Sears
And the award for the most drawn-out, mother-effing awards presentation of the year goes to…The Oscars! Here in New York, the show didn’t end until like 12:30 am and if you decided to cut out early so you could make it to work this morning, you made the mistake of the century.
Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway were up way past their bedtimes, got mad confused, and told the world that La La Land won best picture instead of Moonlight. As big of a fuckup as the intern who handed them the wrong card made, if the actual winner had been LaLa Land and Moonlight was mistakenly announced, shit would’ve really hit the fan. #Oscarssoconfused. If you don’t know who Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway are, join the club. But since it’s social suicide to not recognize Hollywood legends, we all had to pretend to be excited by their appearance and forgive them for their senile inability to realize that Emma Stone couldn’t possibly be the name of the best picture winner.
OK, back to the beginning of the night. We started out with Justin Timberlake singing that song that your mom loves and will definitely request for her candle at your sister’s bat mitzvah candlelighting. Still, I would watch Justin sing and dance to whale sounds, so this performance is decent. Nice to see him in a tux all “Suit and Tie” style like it’s 2013.
Jimmy Fall… Oh shit, no, Jimmy Kimmel is hosting. How long does Kimmel talk before the speech gets weirdly political and Twitter freaks out? Oh, um, yes, somewhat immediately. I’m glad he popped off the topic pretty quickly in order to rip on Matt Damon and every other person in the room.
Was anyone else surprised at how mild and not-super-political the whole night was? I really wanted someone to roll up in a Fuck Trump T-shirt under their tux or something. Even the speeches were super basic. Like, hey, support the arts, love one another. Praising the Academy, your agent, and your second husband in your Oscars acceptance speech? Groundbreaking. Unless you count Viola Davis’ bomb-ass speech telling all the stories of dead people. Dear God I love that woman.
Okay, so John Legend has the voice of an angel and is a great performer and did a v artistic rendition of that boring little La La Land number that everyone pretended to love but is mad underwhelming. But there’s something I need to say and it’s that I’m getting a little fucking sick of this whole John Legend/Chrissy Teigen perfection thing. Like, okay we get it. You get along. You’re affectionate and like each other and both are fucking adorable. You even have an adorable baby. But it’s enough, we need a new routine. You know what I’d like to see? Just ONE Oscars ceremony where instead of being all over each other, John and Chrissy get in a screaming match because John continuously leaves the toilet seat up or Chrissy’s cookbook filled with extremely fried and cheesy foods are starting to give John gas. Now that would be a dose of reality, people.
.@violadavis gives #Oscars acceptance speech: Artists “the only profession that celebrate what it means to live a life” pic.twitter.com/6saH17l0di
— ABC News (@ABC) February 27, 2017
Okay, let’s get started with the awards and something we sort of have an interest in: famous people in a supporting role. I need to ask you a real question, though. Did people actually watch this live? I have the DVR power to skip through boring-ass acceptance speeches for movies I didn’t see nor care about, but some of you wasted your precious time watching every fucking second of this Hollywood circle-jerk. Good for you. Wow.
Alicia Vikander won an award last year and is back to present Best Supporting Actor. She looks thin AF and super tan like a Swedish Marissa Cooper with a less depressing fate. Good for Vikander and her messy bun that coincidentally looked like the 3-day unwashed hair look I was sporting while watching her from my couch. Mahershala Ali wins for his role in Moonlight, which I was totally planning on seeing, but I haven’t carved out a day to be depressed yet.
How hilarious is it that Suicide Squad won an Oscar at all, even if it was for Best Makeup or whatever. Sorry, Kylie LipKit, I guess this is just not your year in the makeup category. No, but really, I thought Suicide Squad would only ever claim the title of “Least Shitty Will Smith Movie In The Past 6 Years.” Not that it’s a great movie, just all of his other movies have been THAT bad.
Fuck, they brought out Chris Evans for the Sound Editing and Sound Mixing categories. It’s like the producers of the Oscars knew these categories were throw-aways and the time where everyone gets up to pee so they brought out Evans to keep our eyes on screen for a minute. Clever.
Also, Vince Vaughn looks actually better than he’s ever looked before. Like, he’s seriously giving some Jon Hamm vibes and the world could use more Hamm vibes. What is he on stage for right now? IDFK. Oh right, some war movie that Mel Gibson directed that your boyfriend will think seriously about viewing but never actually see. Speaking of Mel…
Every time I see Mel Gibson at an awards ceremony I feel like he snuck in. #Oscars
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 27, 2017
Let’s talk about the award for Best Animaed SHORT Film. Like, seriously who the fuck has seen any of these things? How do they possibly make any money? Where do they even show them? At first I was like, they’re probably sold as education tools for children to schools or museums and shit, but then you notice that one of the titles is Pear Cider and Cigarettes and realize that is definitely not the case.
How amaze does Hailee Steinfield look. Seriously though. She looks glowing and magnificent and also age appropriate. What is she, like, 18? Damn girl.
http://www.betches.com/oscars-2017-best-worst-beauty-looksThe Best & Worst Beauty Looks From The Oscars
She’s presenting in the Animated categories. At this point, you’re just rooting for shit you’ve seen because then you can feel superior when someone brings it up at work. Thank God Zootopia won, amiright? Now at least you’ve seen one of these damn films. Zootopia is bomb though.
Dakota Johnson looks like she’s wearing something your grandmother would want to get buried in. Jamie Dornan looks like he’s sick of spending time with Dakota Johnson. They’re presenting awards for Production Design. And La La Land finally claims an award after being nominated a million times. Production Design? You better step it up from here on out, La La Land.
Real talk, I’m actually really intrigued by the bit with the tour bus people. This might actually be the best part of the Oscars as a whole. Real people losing their shit in front of a million celebrities is so entertaining. What’s even better is real people ignoring certain celebrities. At the same time though, Jimmy Kimmel, this is the Oscars and not your personal late night show. Don’t have people in oversized Gap sweatshirts force Denzel Washington to pretend he doesn’t hate being touched. Have some respect.
Did you ever think Ben Affleck and Matt Damon could look so damn old? Boys, you have millions of dollars and Just for Men Gel is probably six bucks at CVS. Buy some and quit reminding all of us that we, too, are getting old as shit. Also, shave your fucking beard Casey, you’re an Academy Award winning actor now and people might stop referring to you as Ben’s little bro. Stop sporting facial hair that looks like you just finished a three day acid trip at Burning Man.
Side note, I miss Leo. Is it really the Oscars without DiCaprio? No. I care significantly less about this without him in the audience. OMMMMMGGGGGeeeee. Just like that, my wish is granted. I think I just peed a little. Leo is everything. He makes it all worth it. Thank you, Leo.
Emma Stone wins for Best Actress, which I think came as a surprise to exactly no one. She’s been cleaning up at awards shows all season. Her speech was vanilla, which is appropriate because she looks exactly like a vanilla soft-serve frozen yogurt with a cherry on top served in a waffle cone in that dress. I really wish she would have had the La La Land costume people dress her because she was way more interesting in that movie than she is getting an award for that movie.
Let’s not forget Emma’s original greatest role in Superbad. #Oscars pic.twitter.com/HZknaLK6VD
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 27, 2017
Drumroll on best picture…. LA LA LAND. BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DID. Why is Ryan Gosling acting so fucking weird. Like, his movie just won best movie of the year and he’s standing off to the side of the stage like a goth kid in a class production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
What in the Steve Harvey.
Moonlight really won the Best Picture?! What a world. OK, that moment actually made it worth watching this whole damn thing.
Wow. I’m super glad I got to see that happen live too because I did that thing where I skipped through so much of the recording I caught up to live TV. God works in mysterious ways. Until next year, y’all.