The Oscars this year started off pretty vanilla, but the bat shit twist at the end made sitting through a Godfather-movie-length show worth it. It was like the end of Bring it On when the Clovers beat the Toros and Kirsten Dunst was like oh yeah, we did steal your shit forever so you probably deserve to win. Like, the Toros were good, but the Clovers were better.
Since procrastinating is just one of a betch’s favorite past times, you probably haven’t seen all of the Oscar-winning movies yet this year. That’s okay, because we’re going to summarize them so you can still talk about them with your co-workers and not feel left out.
We’re only covering movies that actually won awards, because losers just aren’t our type. Also we’re leaving out shorts and best costume and makeup because Suicide Squad won best makeup and we just can’t. Deal with it.
Moonlight
Won: Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Supporting Actor
This movie was Boyhood but better. Chiron is a kid with daddy issues who ends up becoming friends with an older drug dealer in town that acts as his father figure. His mom is a crack addict, like in that song by City High we used to grind to at sixth grade dances. It’s a pretty shitty situation that Chiron is in, because of the crack head mom and absent father, but he’s resilient AF and it’s honestly inspiring. Chiron is gay but is living in a conservative and predominantly black community where coming out would be met with hostility, much like Zac Efron wanting to do the musical while also starring on the basketball team. In the end, Chiron ends up finding his childhood love and flaunts his revenge bod in front of him to show him what he missed. Turns out they still have feelings for each other and they end up together. This movie is honestly a triumph for many reasons, but in betchy terms, it’s about winning after getting rejected, not letting haters bring you down, and working through daddy issues.
La La Land
Won: Best Actress, Best Director, Best Song, Best Score, Best Cinematography, Best Production Design
This movie is about how you should always follow your dream even if you sometimes get embarrassed. It’s kind of annoying that both of the lead characters are both poor and artists and in love—it’s like, all the things we hate the most. But Ryan Gosling is undeniably hot and Emma Stone won an Oscar with her ex in the audience (who didn’t win for his noms), so that’s kind of betchy. The whole movie is just set in LA and the characters basically sing karaoke and dance around a bunch, it’s literally like karaoke because none of them are great singers except for John Legend. Emma Stone’s character is a needy gf and hates it when Ryan Gosling starts becoming successful and can’t spend as much time with her, which isn’t very chill. But in the end they both end up successful, and there’s a dope dance number in it that’s kind of like drugs.
Manchester By The Sea
Won: Best Actor, Best Original Screenplay
This movie is like a much more serious version of Young Adult but with a bro instead of Charlize Theron for a protagonist. And instead of finding out her high school sweetheart is getting married, his brother dies and he has to break the news to his brother’s son, aka his nephew. Basically Casey Affleck’s character, Lee, is a huge fuck up and has to say sorry by repairing his relationship with his nephew and his ex-wife. Sometimes you fuck up so much it takes more than an apology text and brunch to make things okay. But by the end of the film, he patches things up and they chill on a motherfucking boat, which is pretty betchy.
Hacksaw Ridge
Won: Best Film Editing, Best Sound Mixing
This movie is based on a true story about Desmond Doss, a soldier who won the Medal of Honor without killing anybody in combat. Basically Andrew Garfield plays Doss, and he’s a pacifist that doesn’t believe in killing anybody. Except much like going to an open bar and promising not to drink, he gets drafted into the war and his anti-killing belief becomes a problem. Everyone thinks he’s a coward until he saves their asses and they realize he’s actually chill. Like you might hesitate getting blackout around a sober person who might judge you, but when she’s driving you home and keeping creeps away, you’re down with her presence.
The Jungle Book
Won: Best Visual Effects
I mean, if you don’t know this one we’re not sure we can help you. He’s a boy who was raised by animals, aka every graphic designer in Brooklyn we’ve ever met. Like you can’t blame them for being immature because they are legit children who don’t understand real world responsibilities.
Zootopia
Won: Best Animated Feature
This is a movie about how everybody judges TF out of everybody else. The allegory to race is flawed obviously, because it uses animal’s biological differences to compare itself to race, which is like, awkward. But maybe it’s more like the Greek house ranking system. Like, there are some houses that the fat girls always go to, and it’s like, maybe they aren’t really harming the top houses so why do we hate them so much? Anyways, like we said, the Zootopia allegory is really flawed. But as a story it’s pretty adorable, and in the end you realize you really should never trust anyone, because literally liars exist everywhere. Especially if someone is trying to get you to hate on a certain person (or group of people), it usually means that person is the problem and not the other person. Aka when your boyfriend tells you all his exes are crazy, he’s probably the common denominator.
Salesman
Won: Best Foreign Film
Go google it, we have no idea.
Fences
Won: Best Actress In A Supporting Role
Another movie about a teenage boy with daddy issues. We’re starting to see a pattern here. In this movie, Denzel Washington is Troy, a dad that is way too proud of himself and doesn’t know how to truly connect with his family. In typical straight male way, he fucks shit up by cheating on his wife, trying to control his son, and feeling sorry for himself, and we’re still supposed to feel bad for him because he’s a tragic hero. But like, we get it, life is hard and sometimes you make mistakes. That’s what we tell ourselves when we miss our alarm because we went out the night before a test.
Arrival
Won: Best Sound Editing
This movie is about a literal alien invasion, which is how we feel when a new hot girl transfers into the school and threatens to disrupt the social order. At first Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner have to work together to try and communicate with the aliens, to see if they’re hostile or if they mean well. So basically it’s like inviting the new girl to a party as a way to see if she can hang and speak the language. Eventually though, another country deems the aliens to be dangerous and they try shooting at it. Like sooner or later, the new girl is going to hook up with someone they’re not supposed to and piss off someone, which will cause a domino effect until the order can be restored again. At the end of Arrival, Amy Adams saves the day, literally, and we think that’s pretty betchy. She also gets Jeremy Renner to fall in love with her while she’s doing her job, which is kind of badass.
OJ Made in America
Won: Best Documentary
I mean, it’s about OJ. What more do you want from us? If documentaries aren’t your thing, go watch the American Crime Story version on Netflix.
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If you were watching the Oscars last night and were trying to figure out how these people show up looking fucking flawless, join the club. Celebs obviously have to be abnormally skinny and good-looking by default, but like, at what cost? I mean, don’t get me wrong—Emma Stone looked pretty decent in Lala Land, but professionals are paid to edit that shit.
What in the Steve Harvey happened last night? Read our Oscars recap!
We wanted to know what kind of prep goes on before the red carpet, so we did some research into the glamorous lives (and weird diets) of Hollywood’s elite. If you thought stars were actually just like us, think again. Here’s what the celebs do to get ready for the red carpet:
1. They Get Their Faces Shaved
This is not a joke, and it’s not a mistake that some 6th grade girl made because she was too scared to ask her mom for a wax. Celebs literally get their faces shaved before the red carpet and the treatment is technically called Dermaflash. Apparently, by getting rid of some excess peach fuzz and exfoliating your skin, you get that extra fresh glow that “flashing” provides. J.Lo and Jennifer Garner were both spotted getting their “flashing” done at the Beverly Hills Hot Springs and their skin is unreal, so like, we’re trying not to judge.
2. They Get Their Cheekbones Accentuated
We’ve been getting facials before events ever since our middle school graduations, but when it comes to award shows, celebs go to specific professionals who know how to literally manipulate your face to look better on camera. There are specific pros in LA that will only take nominees’ appointments on the day of the Oscars. For example, celeb fave Joanna Vargas is known for her Oxygen Purifying Facial, which uses medical-grade oxygen to erase dull skin and create finer lines to get your cheekbones to look like they’re popping out of your face. Goals, right?
3. They Get Blood Injected Into Their Faces
Botox appointments are just as regular as teeth cleanings in the celeb world, but when it comes to the Oscars, the regular injection doesn’t make the cut. Celebs like Kim Kardashian swear by the “Vampire Facial Lift,” which literally injects blood back into your face by using platelet rich plasma. Apparently it helps make your eyes look wider and your skin look super rejuvenated, and results are immediate. BRB, throwing up.
4. They Wrap Ice Cubes Onto Their Faces
A few days before the show, celebs are having this funky ice concoction wrapped onto their faces. Dr. Nigma Talib, an LA-based naturopathic doctor, works with stars before the Oscars through “icing” their faces. Icing is a process meant to de-puff your face, make your pores more refined, and take away any redness in your skin. She mixes together cucumber water, aloe vera juice, turmeric root, and water into a blender, and then freezes the liquid in an ice tray. Once they’re frozen, she wraps the ice cubes in a washcloth onto their skin until it’s all melted. Sounds pretty unpleasant and it’s probably freezing AF. Aren’t they cold enough from dieting all year-round?
5. They Put Jellyfish On Their Faces
This is another treatment that is super trendy right now in Hollywood, and it sounds like a high school bio experiment we decided to ditch. The jellyfish mask is made from jellyfish collagen, which is supposed to hydrate and firm your face to give you a youthful glow on camera. I don’t even wanna know how much this absurd treatment costs, but you couldn’t pay me to stick a jellyfish on my face. I know it makes you look good, but there are Instagram filters that do that too. We will be doing a follow-up analysis on if anybody ever has to have their face peed on if this treatment goes wrong.
6. They Cut Out Sugar, Gluten, Dairy, & Booze
Try telling a waiter that you’re sugar-free, dairy-free, gluten-free, and you don’t need a cocktail menu either. Celebs like Kate Bosworth, Penelope Cruz, and Sienna Miller follow this no-fun diet for weeks leading up to the Oscars, and it sounds pretty brutal. The worst part is, they probably can’t even complain about it because all their famous friends are on the same fucking diet. I just hope they at least get shitfaced at the afterparty.
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The Oscars were last night, but because I have good taste and value my time I instead elected to go see John Wick Chapter 2 before drinking beer and watching a shitload of HGTV. So imagine my non-surprise to wake up and find out that the auspicious event was marred by SCANDAL. Specifically, Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway read the wrong card, mistakenly announcing La La Land as Best Picture, before quickly correcting course and announcing Moonlight as the actual winner.
What In The Steve Harvey Just Happened? Read our Oscars 2017 recap here!
(They also used the wrong picture for a lady who passed away in 2016, which, goddamn guys.)
Of course, along with the expected terrible memes and jokes circulating in response to the gaffe, there’s also an explanation. An explanation we all know to be BULLSHIT, friends. No, Bullworth wasn’t simply handed the wrong card. There’s a conspiracy afoot, and it’s time we got to the bottom of it. Here are some potential explanations for how such a (stupid, inconsequential) monumental fuckup came to pass.
Ryan Gosling Wanted The Spotlight
Ryan Gosling knows better than anyone that no one gives a shit about him if he’s not sporting that annoying, smug, fake “aw shucks” shit-eating grin of his. But guess what’s been making the rounds all day? That’s right, headline after headline about how Gosling’s reaction to the mixup was “perfect” and “A+.” Fuck you, Mouseketeer. Your attempt to supplant the cast and crew of Moonlight’s moment of glory is both racist AND homophobic. Because I say so.
Steve Harvey Is A Vindictive Motherfucker
Steve Harvey is an inexplicably powerful force in media, despite his main contributions consisting of contrived eye-rolls and dating advice that amounts to “ladies be nice to your men.” The internet was very pleased, then, when he announced the wrong winner of the Miss Universe pageant in 2015. It’s not much of a stretch to assume he used his vast influence to make another presenter feel his pain. Plus he’s a fame whore, and people started putting him in memes again. It’s a barely-kept secret in Hollywood that Steve Harvey is a voracious consumer of memes.
Someone At PricewaterhouseCooper Wants To Fuck Emma Stone
As we all know by now, the whole fuckup ensued when Warren Beatty was handed a copy of Emma Stone’s envelope announcing her victory for Best Actress. If you were some nerd working at PwC and you wanted to passive-aggressively convey your interest in Emma Stone, what better way to do so than to use HER card to stage a coup and get her on stage again? I would have done the same thing, TBH. She’s such a fox!
Steve Bannon
Look, while we know that Steve Bannon has no room in his heart for the Jewish Hollywood Elites, it’s hard to imagine he has any more of a soft spot for The Blacks or The Gays (or The Black Gays, which is kind of a dope band name). Since La La Land is a navel-gazing Hollywood movie ABOUT Hollywood, it would have shocked no one if it won. Is it really that hard to believe that he would use his considerable influence to try to derail the proceedings? I definitely don’t think so.
I think we can all agree that Beyoncé should have won Best Picture anyway, so the whole thing was a sham, if you think about it.
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And the award for the most drawn-out, mother-effing awards presentation of the year goes to…The Oscars! Here in New York, the show didn’t end until like 12:30 am and if you decided to cut out early so you could make it to work this morning, you made the mistake of the century.
Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway were up way past their bedtimes, got mad confused, and told the world that La La Land won best picture instead of Moonlight. As big of a fuckup as the intern who handed them the wrong card made, if the actual winner had been LaLa Land and Moonlight was mistakenly announced, shit would’ve really hit the fan. #Oscarssoconfused. If you don’t know who Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway are, join the club. But since it’s social suicide to not recognize Hollywood legends, we all had to pretend to be excited by their appearance and forgive them for their senile inability to realize that Emma Stone couldn’t possibly be the name of the best picture winner.
The Opener
OK, back to the beginning of the night. We started out with Justin Timberlake singing that song that your mom loves and will definitely request for her candle at your sister’s bat mitzvah candlelighting. Still, I would watch Justin sing and dance to whale sounds, so this performance is decent. Nice to see him in a tux all “Suit and Tie” style like it’s 2013.
Jimmy Fall… Oh shit, no, Jimmy Kimmel is hosting. How long does Kimmel talk before the speech gets weirdly political and Twitter freaks out? Oh, um, yes, somewhat immediately. I’m glad he popped off the topic pretty quickly in order to rip on Matt Damon and every other person in the room.
Was anyone else surprised at how mild and not-super-political the whole night was? I really wanted someone to roll up in a Fuck Trump T-shirt under their tux or something. Even the speeches were super basic. Like, hey, support the arts, love one another. Praising the Academy, your agent, and your second husband in your Oscars acceptance speech? Groundbreaking. Unless you count Viola Davis’ bomb-ass speech telling all the stories of dead people. Dear God I love that woman.
John Legend
Okay, so John Legend has the voice of an angel and is a great performer and did a v artistic rendition of that boring little La La Land number that everyone pretended to love but is mad underwhelming. But there’s something I need to say and it’s that I’m getting a little fucking sick of this whole John Legend/Chrissy Teigen perfection thing. Like, okay we get it. You get along. You’re affectionate and like each other and both are fucking adorable. You even have an adorable baby. But it’s enough, we need a new routine. You know what I’d like to see? Just ONE Oscars ceremony where instead of being all over each other, John and Chrissy get in a screaming match because John continuously leaves the toilet seat up or Chrissy’s cookbook filled with extremely fried and cheesy foods are starting to give John gas. Now that would be a dose of reality, people.
The Awards
.@violadavis gives #Oscars acceptance speech: Artists “the only profession that celebrate what it means to live a life” pic.twitter.com/6saH17l0di
— ABC News (@ABC) February 27, 2017
Okay, let’s get started with the awards and something we sort of have an interest in: famous people in a supporting role. I need to ask you a real question, though. Did people actually watch this live? I have the DVR power to skip through boring-ass acceptance speeches for movies I didn’t see nor care about, but some of you wasted your precious time watching every fucking second of this Hollywood circle-jerk. Good for you. Wow.
Alicia Vikander won an award last year and is back to present Best Supporting Actor. She looks thin AF and super tan like a Swedish Marissa Cooper with a less depressing fate. Good for Vikander and her messy bun that coincidentally looked like the 3-day unwashed hair look I was sporting while watching her from my couch. Mahershala Ali wins for his role in Moonlight, which I was totally planning on seeing, but I haven’t carved out a day to be depressed yet.
How hilarious is it that Suicide Squad won an Oscar at all, even if it was for Best Makeup or whatever. Sorry, Kylie LipKit, I guess this is just not your year in the makeup category. No, but really, I thought Suicide Squad would only ever claim the title of “Least Shitty Will Smith Movie In The Past 6 Years.” Not that it’s a great movie, just all of his other movies have been THAT bad.
Fuck, they brought out Chris Evans for the Sound Editing and Sound Mixing categories. It’s like the producers of the Oscars knew these categories were throw-aways and the time where everyone gets up to pee so they brought out Evans to keep our eyes on screen for a minute. Clever.
Also, Vince Vaughn looks actually better than he’s ever looked before. Like, he’s seriously giving some Jon Hamm vibes and the world could use more Hamm vibes. What is he on stage for right now? IDFK. Oh right, some war movie that Mel Gibson directed that your boyfriend will think seriously about viewing but never actually see. Speaking of Mel…
Every time I see Mel Gibson at an awards ceremony I feel like he snuck in. #Oscars
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 27, 2017
Let’s talk about the award for Best Animaed SHORT Film. Like, seriously who the fuck has seen any of these things? How do they possibly make any money? Where do they even show them? At first I was like, they’re probably sold as education tools for children to schools or museums and shit, but then you notice that one of the titles is Pear Cider and Cigarettes and realize that is definitely not the case.
How amaze does Hailee Steinfield look. Seriously though. She looks glowing and magnificent and also age appropriate. What is she, like, 18? Damn girl.
http://www.betches.com/oscars-2017-best-worst-beauty-looksThe Best & Worst Beauty Looks From The Oscars
She’s presenting in the Animated categories. At this point, you’re just rooting for shit you’ve seen because then you can feel superior when someone brings it up at work. Thank God Zootopia won, amiright? Now at least you’ve seen one of these damn films. Zootopia is bomb though.
Dakota Johnson looks like she’s wearing something your grandmother would want to get buried in. Jamie Dornan looks like he’s sick of spending time with Dakota Johnson. They’re presenting awards for Production Design. And La La Land finally claims an award after being nominated a million times. Production Design? You better step it up from here on out, La La Land.
Real talk, I’m actually really intrigued by the bit with the tour bus people. This might actually be the best part of the Oscars as a whole. Real people losing their shit in front of a million celebrities is so entertaining. What’s even better is real people ignoring certain celebrities. At the same time though, Jimmy Kimmel, this is the Oscars and not your personal late night show. Don’t have people in oversized Gap sweatshirts force Denzel Washington to pretend he doesn’t hate being touched. Have some respect.
Did you ever think Ben Affleck and Matt Damon could look so damn old? Boys, you have millions of dollars and Just for Men Gel is probably six bucks at CVS. Buy some and quit reminding all of us that we, too, are getting old as shit. Also, shave your fucking beard Casey, you’re an Academy Award winning actor now and people might stop referring to you as Ben’s little bro. Stop sporting facial hair that looks like you just finished a three day acid trip at Burning Man.
Side note, I miss Leo. Is it really the Oscars without DiCaprio? No. I care significantly less about this without him in the audience. OMMMMMGGGGGeeeee. Just like that, my wish is granted. I think I just peed a little. Leo is everything. He makes it all worth it. Thank you, Leo.
Emma Stone wins for Best Actress, which I think came as a surprise to exactly no one. She’s been cleaning up at awards shows all season. Her speech was vanilla, which is appropriate because she looks exactly like a vanilla soft-serve frozen yogurt with a cherry on top served in a waffle cone in that dress. I really wish she would have had the La La Land costume people dress her because she was way more interesting in that movie than she is getting an award for that movie.
Let’s not forget Emma’s original greatest role in Superbad. #Oscars pic.twitter.com/HZknaLK6VD
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 27, 2017
Drumroll on best picture…. LA LA LAND. BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DID. Why is Ryan Gosling acting so fucking weird. Like, his movie just won best movie of the year and he’s standing off to the side of the stage like a goth kid in a class production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
Wait. NO.
What in the Steve Harvey.
Moonlight really won the Best Picture?! What a world. OK, that moment actually made it worth watching this whole damn thing.
Wow. I’m super glad I got to see that happen live too because I did that thing where I skipped through so much of the recording I caught up to live TV. God works in mysterious ways. Until next year, y’all.
