Everything We Know About The Mueller Report So Far

Well, the Mueller report is officially here. Kind of. This report has been in the making for so long, I really thought it was just going to end up being the last Game of Thrones book. Now, two important things to realize: yes, this is the actual report — not the summary of the report told to us from Trump’s BFF. But, it should also be known that a solid chunk of it is redacted due to grand jury material, sensitive intelligence, matters affecting ongoing investigations and to protect “peripheral third parties.” Am I the only one who feels like with a report this important, we should take Bethenny Frankel’s point of view and just mention it all?

Okay, but it’s time to break this down and see what’s what — so far. 

1. The Report Does Not Exonerate the President (But It Also Doesn’t Say He Committed a Crime)

The report states that “the evidence we obtained about the President’s actions and intents are difficult issues that prevent us from conclusively determining that no criminal conduct occurred.” So basically they’re like, “we’re not saying he committed a crime, but we’re also no not saying that.” This is awkward because Attorney General William Barr and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein both told us he did not obstruct justice, and Barr has further stated that the Special Counsel did not find “corrupt motive” so he will not pursue charges.

2. Trump Had Zero Chill When He Found Out About Mueller

According to the report, when Trump found out about Mueller’s appointment he said, “Oh my god, this is terrible. This is the end of my Presidency. I’m fucked.” Sounds like something someone who is 100% innocent would say. Like, you know how if you secretly borrowed your roommates top, but she is complaining that there’s a stain on it, you’d be in a panic that you did it? This is kind of like that, but with our country.

3. He Asked Sessions to “Unrecuse” Himself.

Basically, he wanted this to happen so that Sessions could watch over the Mueller investigation and probably stop anything that was developing or give him a heads up. Which, spoiler alert: is unethical. He also asked former White House counsel Don McGahn to fire Mueller (sounds obstruction-ey to me), but McGahn refused to follow through on Trump’s order. The report also recounts McGahn calling up then chief-of-staff Reince Priebus (TBT) and told him that Trump was trying to get him to do “crazy sh*t.” Sounds about right.

4. Trump’s Team Knew Russia was Meddling — But There was No Criminal Conspiracy

The investigation found multiple links between individuals in the Russian government and Trump’s team, but it wasn’t sufficient enough to bring criminal charges to said individuals. It also found out that people on the Trump Campaign did lie to the Office and to Congress about their interactions with Russian-affiliated individuals. Those lies were charged as violations of the federal false statement statue.

Additionally, they realized that people on his Campaign deleted emails during the time period surrounding the infamous June 9th meeting. But her emails!!!!

5.  They Couldn’t Prove the Trump Tower Meeting was Unlawful 

You know, that meeting with Donald Trump Jr., Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort, and a Russian lawyer. I guess they were just discussing where to go in the Hamptons. The report states that: “the government would unlikely be able to prove beyond unreasonable doubt that the June 9 meeting participants had general knowledge that their conduct was unlawful.” That’s like saying Ursula and Curella de Vil met up just to talk summer plans, but whatever.

6. There’s Not Enough Evidence to Say Trump Told Cohen to Lie 

The report quotes: “The evidence available to us does not establish that the President directed or aided Cohen’s false testimony.” This contradicts that huge bombshell story published by BuzzFeed News. Side note, the report also revealed that Cohen emailed the wrong address for Russian government officials and got so desperate he reached out to their general informational address. The White House is a pre-school. If you’re going to try and obstruct justice, at least double check before you hit send.

7. Mueller Left The Obstruction of Justice to Congress

“If we had confidence after a thorough investigation of the facts that the President clearly did not commit obstruction of justice, we would so state. Based on the facts and the applicable legal standards, we are unable to reach that judgement.”

So basically, he left it up to Congress (specifically Nancy Pelosi) to either pursue charges or just let the whole obstruction thing slide. House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler has already requested Mueller testify “on or before May 23rd,” so it’s safe to say this sh*t is far from “game over”.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

What People Are Getting Wrong About The Mueller Report

Well, the book report we all have been waiting for is here — and by that, we obviously mean the Mueller report. If you’re unfamiliar, first — welcome to The Sup, and second — this was Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s two year investigation into Donald Trump’s campaign and what Russia’s got to do, got to do with it, baby (shout out to Tina Turner). While the report is finished, it is still not released to the public (or the Democrats), so we’re just getting all of the information about it so far from Attorney General William Barr. Here’s a quick breakdown of what’s been said about it so far and what is still going on with the President. 

Did not imagine a world where they were able to indict Aunt Becky before Donald Trump.

— billy eichner (@billyeichner) March 24, 2019

First, the most major news (and what you’ve probably been hearing the most about) was that the summary says Mueller found that neither Donald Trump nor his campaign conspired with Russia. The summary also states that the report “does not conclude that the President committed a crime but also does not exonerate him,” — whether this conclusion comes from the fact that a sitting president can’t be indicted or because Mueller truly is TBD on the issue is still…TBD. This means that this is looking less like a series finale and more of a mid-season finale, if you will. Further proving that this entire presidency seems to be written by the Pretty Little Liars writing room.

While this alludes to the fact that Trump’s team did not collude with Russia, the report did find that Russia was meddling with the 2016 election — bringing up the Russian troll farm and the targeting of Democrat’s e-mails. Another mention of Russia involves “multiple offers” from “Russian-affiliated” individuals… if this was a game of Clue, the answer to this would be: it was Trump and Russia, in Trump Tower, in 2016.

Another important thing to note? This was just one of the many, many investigations going on in regards to Trump, his team, and his family. From his confidant Roger Stone who was arrested at the beginning of this year due to the Mueller investigation in regards to communications with Wikileaks, to multiple real estate deals and the fact that the Trump Foundation was basically just a mountain of illegal activity.  Oh, and we can’t forget the case about the hush money that may have been used to pay off women (like Stormy Daniels) to stay silent during his 2016 campaign. Most of these investigations are still ongoing in the Southern District of New York, which is totally separate from Muller and his investigation. Essentially, there are more investigations than Friends episodes: “The One Where the President Benefits From Business Deals With Foreign Governments.”


Back to the Mueller Report, another thing to question: is this the truth, or is this the truth care of Barr’s opinion?

The main issue, as previously mentioned, is that no one else has been able to see this report. Democrats are demanding this happen — because… no duh? You can’t just expect someone to say ‘and none for Gretchen Weiners, bye’ without seeing that there were really none for Gretchen Weiners. Not backing down on this, there has been talk about subpoenaing and taking the Trump administration to court if the documents do not become available for everyone involved.

It is important to remember that these findings are care of Barr and Attorney General Rod Rosenstein’s review of Mueller’s report. They used three pillars to determine if there was an obstruction of justice: 1) there was obstructive justice 2) the conduct was related to a prosecution or an investigation, and 3) the conduct was “done with corrupt intent.” They said none of Trump’s actions met their standards for any of those, but didn’t give that much info about how they made that conclusion.

Barr wants to “release as much as possible” from the report but Mueller is allegedly not going to be involved with the scrubbing of information (removing information related to ongoing investigations or grand jury material). Cut to the Dems basically getting black pages with the words ‘The’ and ‘And’. If they need help, I’ve put together a lot of blacked out weekends in college to remember which Taco Bell I left my iPhone in.

The major takeaway is that while this doesn’t completely grant ‘total exoneration’ to Trump and his team, it is very good news for them — especially for a President that just needs a few buzzwords to tweet in all caps.

No Collusion, No Obstruction, Complete and Total EXONERATION. KEEP AMERICA GREAT!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 24, 2019

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!