I hate that I bring the drama, but much like our girl Kim, it’s my job to do it anyway! 

When we meet back up with our famous family for season 3 episode 2 of The Kardashians, Kylie is headlining a European world tour in honor of her fledgling makeup company, Kim is QBing her first solo fashion endeavor with her kontentious Dolce & Gabbana kollab, and Kourtney has donned her business betch blazer to dropkick the Flintstones out of a job with her new gummy vitamin brand. 

Meanwhile, Khloé had a successful surgery, removing the cancerous tumor from her cheek, and Scott catches up with Kris after a freak accident. As for Kendall? She’s nowhere to be found, but we can assume she’s off somewhere writing her secret Seabiscuit fan fiction. 

As always, we’re here to break down every frame of this jam-packed episode. Crisp salads (🥗) are awarded for Ws, and grumpy Chebans () are deducted for Ls. 

KRIS 

() “That’s all I needed. Just one cuddle once in a while.” Is Corey slacking so severely that Kris wants to cuddle Kim the robot? This is gonna come up in his quarterly performance review fer sher. 

(🥗🥗) Buying Scott a book as a present during his recovery. Somebody’s gotta be the one to encourage that jabroni to read. 

(🥗🥗) Representing the fam with her Travis Scott / Good American / Skims propaganda outfit. She notably wasn’t wearing any Talentless, and I can’t blame her – the sweats are amazing, but every time I wear them out, I have to cop to the fact that I am personally contributing to Scott Disick’s already outsized fortune. 

(🥗🥗🥗) Masterminding an “organic” integration of her Safely disinfectant by brazenly putting her sneaker on the kitchen counter in front of Khloé, a known Marie Kondo disciple. And now I’m writing about it. The cycle cannot be stopped! 

TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (7) salads and  (2) Jonathan Chebans

KHLOÉ  

(🥗🥗🥗) Taking her face surgery like a champ. Even with a cheek bandage, she still looks eleven times hotter than I do on my best day. 

(🥗🥗) Recommending that a desperate-to-film Scott put a wig on and become one of the core sisters. I think he could be named Kathy and her business could be that she’s really into MLMs. Kathy/Scott would host insane Mary Kay parties. There would definitely be strippers present. 

(🥗) Emotionally stonewalling Malika, who’s deeply concerned about Khloé’s mental state, with the soulless retort of “Oh my. That’s no bueno.” Malika tried to get her to ugly cry on camera and she failed. When you aim at the queen, you best not miss. 

() Treating Kris’ counter shoe like it’s run a marathon through the Los Angeles sewer system. “You use a public bathroom, you step in someone’s period blood. . . “ We all know that Kris Jenner hasn’t used a public bathroom since 2010, and there’s tarmac carpet that takes her from the Range Rover to the PJ. She probably has the least germy sneakers in North America. 

TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (6) salads and (2) Jonathan Chebans

KIM

() Expressing “I don’t want to be a part of this narrative” around the Kanye dramz sounds eerily familiar to Taylor Swift’s infamous plea to be “excluded from this narrative” of #SnakeGate in 2016. Karma is Penelope’s rent-a-cat purring in her lap! 

(🥗) “It feels weird to like, cuddle with you like this.” Just because you’re famous for ugly crying doesn’t mean you have to like hugs! Representation for non-huggers. Kim contains multitudes. 

(🥗🥗🥗) Getting called the “biggest pop star in the world” by the Dolce & Gabbana team. I’m sure Beyoncé isn’t thrilled by that nomenclature but it has to feel good. 

(🥗🥗) Actually reading reviews of The Kardashians. Some might argue it’s a little masochistic to directly engage with some Ivy League hipster at Variety calling you boring and tone-deaf, but Kim has thick skin and if you don’t know what your haters are saying, you can’t prepare your opposition. 

TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (6) salads and  (3) Jonathan Chebans

KOURTNEY

(🥗🥗🥗) Bamboozling her way into a feature story in WSJ Magazine for her placebo gummies. Let’s be clear, Kim is not popping a Lemme Focus when she needs to cram for the LSAT. Just get an Adderall script like an adult. 

() Admitting that she started Lemme basically because Kim kept pressuring her to stop making avocado pudding all day and do something semi-productive with her millions of dollars. The example she’s setting for her kids is that bullying works. 

() “I like to rage against the machine.” What machine, Kourt? The betchy receptionist at your botox office? The PTA ruling that sugar is permitted at bake sales? Travis already married you, it’s safe to drop the alt girl act.  

(🥗) “I’m building something that my kids can be proud of.” Don’t tease me – please let this mean that Mason will be spearheading a Lemme Fortnite limited edition cobrand. 

TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗 (4) salads and (3) Jonathan Chebans

KYLIE 

(🥗🥗🥗) Flying all the way to her Milan Kylie Cosmetics lab for some “important shade matching” work. I’m pretty sure her presence wasn’t needed to “make the blush pinker,” but if it gets us out of Calabasas for once and into some international waters, I’m all for it. 

() Pretending to drink a beaker full of foundation. There’s already a show for that and it’s called My Strange Addiction.  

() Claiming that “you can’t really be wrong” when it comes to makeup. I’m sure that’s the politically correct thing to say, but I really wish someone had told me my 2012 navy blue Wet N Wild eyeliner on the waterline wasn’t helping me secure a prom date. 

(🥗) Prioritizing Stormi’s nut allergy over Kendall’s little FaceTime monologue.  

() Wearing that creepy blouse adorned with Kim’s disembodied hands from her SNL monologue. Is it the dominatrix getup from Babeland or is it Spirit Halloween? 

TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗 (4) salads and (4) Jonathan Chebans

KENDALL

() Fronting like she actually enjoyed “connecting with fans” when she and Kylie were reminiscing about their glory days doing PacSun meet and greets at regional malls. It’s okay to be honest, we know you were only there to finance your next specially cross-bred designer horse. 

(🥗) Doing the absolute bare minimum for the episode (appearing only via FaceTime for 60 seconds) and still walking away with a fat Hulu paycheck. I’m gonna try that at work tomorrow and see how it goes over.  

TOTAL: 🥗 (1) salad and (2) Jonathan Chebans

SCOTT

() Getting dubbed “the hacker” after deploying his gnarly cough during a visit with Khloé. The Hacker is like, the least scary villain in a Batman movie. He’ll post all of your embarrassing middle school photos to Twitter, but his kryptonite is that he can’t go without a Ricola for more than six minutes without hacking himself to death. 

() Yet again asking Khloé to go on a date with him. He acts like he’s joking but you know if she ever entertained it to the slightest degree he’d been on his way to Zales in minutes. 

() Lamenting that no one calls him to film despite his highly amenable schedule. You’d think a playboy like Scott would be well-versed in the rules of the chase – do you think he’s calling a girl who sent him seven “wyd” texts in one day? Actually, he’s famously lonely and thirsty, so maybe he is. 

(🥗🥗🥗) Mission Impossibling his way out of his lambo’s sunroof after a freak car accident. Tom Cruise has requested the security footage to review. He feels threatened. Scott will inspire his next 10 workouts. 

() Whining that the cake Kris sent him had dairy in it when he’s famously (?) dairy-free. This is why no one’s calling you to film–don’t be fucking rude! 

(🥗) Telling Penelope she can’t have a cat but he’ll rent her one for the day. It’s pragmatic parenting and he should work with Kris on spinning the philosophy into a book deal if she isn’t still mad about the dairy cake comment. 

TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗 (4) salads and (9) Jonathan Chebans

SIMON HUCK

() Being such a yes man when Kourtney said the gummy flavor needed to be “more matcha” and “less apple tea.” Spineless sycophancy is what stops innovation in its tracks. 

() Uttering the troubling words, “Vagina is big. It actually makes your vagina taste sweeter.” As if he would know!!! 

TOTAL:  (6) Jonathan Chebans

Unbothered Child Award: Penelope playing with her fuchsia putty toy while Scott reenacted his near death experience. She’d definitely heard that story 3,000 times and it gets more theatric with each rendition. 

Please Get a Thesaurus Award: Kris describing Scott’s relationship with his kids as “delicious.” Is it an apple strudel or is it a supportive and compassionate family dynamic? 

You can watch The Kardashians every Thursday at 12am ET on Hulu and come back here each Thursday for our weekly recaps.  

All images courtesy of Hulu.

In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except death, taxes, and the Kardashians. 

America’s royal family is back for a third season of their hit Hulu series, literally rolling onto our screens in the most chaotic manner possible. 

In a meta moment, the episode began with the fam filming their season 3 show opening–a cheesy and low-key cringey roller rink music video that left us with so many pertinent questions. Namely, did they hire stunt doubles to skate for them? We know from Kim’s Dancing With the Stars fiasco that coordination is simply not her thing. Is Kris Jenner violating network safety protocols by skating in the dark with her shades on? And how hard did she have to lobby to get Corey Gamble upgraded to marquee billing? 

As we return to the gilded gates of Hidden Hills, we learn that Khloé is dealing with a worrisome health scare, a post-Pete Kim is navigating more Kanye drama, and Scott has somehow wormed his way into another featured friend contract despite Kourtney hexing his voodoo doll every night before she goes to sleep. Kris is still breaking necks and cashing checks, Kendall and Kylie spend the majority of the episode trying not to crash their car during an ill-advised stick shift lesson, and Stormi wins the Unbothered Award for attending the 818 party wearing massive, over-the-ear headphones to block out all of the smarmy hobnobbery.  

Khloé warned us that this would not be a calm, serene chapter, and she and her sisters quickly delivered on that promise. To make sense of it all, we’ll be coming to you after every episode with post-game analytics that determine who’s at the top of the pyramid and who’s being the least exciting to look at. 

Since everyone knows a Kardashian episode isn’t a Kardashian episode without an aggressively shaken salad, we’ll award a bowl of greens (🥗) for each Succession-grade power play, juicy confessional, and well-timed zinger. However, points will be deducted for things like a fashion faux pas, pick-me behavior, or anything weird or uncomfortable that even remotely reminds me of Foodgod aka Jonathan Cheban ().

KRIS

🥗 Creating a conveniently generous timeline to encourage Kim to take the Dolce project–it’s been a whole four months since Kourtney’s wedding, and by the time the collection is released, it’ll be nine! 

Kris is the devil on your shoulder talking you into buying Chipotle for the third time that week even though you have groceries at home: You’re going to Pilates tomorrow and you have 500 reward points so it would really be a crime if you didn’t order this sofritas quesadilla. 

🥗 🥗 Having Kim tell Kanye that she’s almost 67 and is too old for his goddamn manchild BS. The woman deserves her peace! 

🥗🥗🥗 Winning the endorsement from her current favorite daughter Kylie that she’s the most fun KarJenner to get drunk with. I wonder how many martinis it would take for her to actually deign to eat her signature Papa Johns Doritos Cool Ranch Papadia. 

TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (6) salads

KYLIE

🥗🥗 Screaming “there’s cops!!!” while learning to drive stick in Kendall’s 1997 vintage Porsche on the sordid streets of Beverly Hills. This also runs through my mind every time I take the Toyota Camry out for a spin in my hometown, so it’s affirming to see this evidently universal experience represented by the one percent. 

Being overly complimentary of Kendall’s Porsche’s cupholders. It’s giving first date when you run out of smalltalk at the restaurant and have to be like, “Aren’t these plates such a nice shade of white?”

🥗 Prompting Hulu to splurge on the “my money don’t jiggle jiggle” song after her “wiggle wiggle” comment about the car’s neutral gear. I’m honestly so over the shitty Selling Sunset transition music they’ve been using when we know that this is flagship content with the budget to do better. 

🥗🥗🥗 Spilling the tea on all of her sisters’ drunk alter egos. Kourtney becomes a free wielding geyser of pee after two margaritas? Incredible. 

Claiming that she holds her liquor better than the rest of the fam. The “I’m gonna get wasted” song called and she begs to differ. 

TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (6) salads and  (2) Jonathan Chebans 

KHLOÉ

🥗🥗 Speaking her truth on the complex realities of surrogacy. Having a baby isn’t always sunshine and rainbows as the glossy pages of Family Circle would lead you to believe. . .they went bankrupt for a reason! 

🥗🥗 Pulling out her stopwatch to time Kourtney and Travis’s emergency ovulation fornication. Kourtney promised a five-minute sprint and Khloé held her accountable (even though her inner child was triggered by the memory of falling asleep under her parents’ bed during a game of hide-and-seek and waking up to the sounds of them having sex). 

Taking the tiniest forkful of pasta from the serving plate at the 818 dinner. I’m sure she’s like, minding her macros and I totally get it, but it looked so yum that it felt disrespectful to the noodles.  

🥗 Finally revealing her baby’s name, and letting us breathe a collective sigh of relief that she didn’t pick Tristan.

Reminding Kim that Rob’s under no immediate pressure to continue the family bloodline since he can have kids until he’s “like 90.” A haunting visual no one asked for! 

TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (5) salads and (2) Jonathan Chebans 

KIM

🥗🥗🥗🥗  Getting a once-in-a-lifetime offer to collab with Dolce & Gabbana and creative direct their Milan Fashion Week show. 

We know from the trailer that this is about to spell major doom for Kim’s relationship with Kourtney, who feels like Kim leveraged her D&G-sponsored wedding as a business opportunity. But Kourtney is squarely in the wrong and needs to get over it–weddings, funerals, and brises were made for networking. Facts are facts, and Kim will not be known as the girl who didn’t go to Paris!!  

 Elaborating on her breakup with Pete by explaining, “We just had talks and talks, like we had been talking about it.” Go girl, give us nothing!!! 

 Worrying that no one will want to date her because she’s in her forties with four kids. KIMBERLY, GET A GRIP!!! You’re a brilliant, stunning billionaire, and if you wanted to create your own reality show where Tom Brady, Drake, and Brad Pitt vie for your heart, you have all the money and resources to do so. 

 “The dramz isn’t penetrating me 100%.” Can someone please buy her a Thesaurus, what is this word choice?!  

 Wearing those distracting, firetruck red shorts and slippers while filming in her eerily white monastery of a home. Kim has said in interviews that her SKIMS employees have to abide by an office color scheme dress code where they can only wear, like, Desert Storm Beige, so shouldn’t she hold herself to the same standard? 

🥗🥗🥗 Taking the high road with Kanye to protect her kids from a public he-said-she-said media frenzy, unless she wants to resurrect her short-lived music career and drop a diss track—which I’d support too. 

TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗🥗 (7) salads and  (5) Jonathan Chebans 

KOURTNEY

🥗 🥗 Having an incredibly active, voracious sex life. Who has 90 minutes in the middle of the day for a marathon bone sesh? Kourtney does. Not that we’d expect anything less from our crunchy granola, self-actualized Poosh goddess.  

🥗 Somersaulting onto the confessional couch for her interview. We will always award points for parkour. 

 Wearing that same matching skeleton onesie with Travis AGAIN. Do those ever get washed?! Or do they just have a Mark Zuckerberg-style closet with thirty identical sets so they only have to do laundry once a month?

 Unironically offering to lead a sister yoni steam. 

TOTAL: 🥗🥗🥗 (3) salads and (3) Jonathan Chebans 

KENDALL 

🥗🥗 Knowing how to drive stick. I guess I have to award points for this since it’s a solid survival skill, but I’m doing it begrudgingly. It’s so “I’m not like other girls.” 

Calling Kylie an old lady. Betch is basically a teen mom. 

Hiring a robot to bartend her 818 event. Stealing jobs from hard working Americans is so not hot. Plus, it was slow AF, and even one of the EPs called out that it would be much more efficient to have four guys making drinks versus one sluggish robot and the four engineers it took to operate him. Plus x2, did we learn nothing from I, Robot?! 

Paying a man more money than prob my entire savings account to drop into the party on some sort of leaf blower contraption to deliver a SINGLE bottle of 818. You’re in a room full of billionaires, Kenny—no one is going to be impressed by this poor man’s Elon Musk and his sad excuse for a jet pack. Sure, people took out their phones, but no one posted that lackluster content to Instagram. 

TOTAL: 🥗🥗 (2) salads and  (4) Jonathan Chebans 

SCOTT

🥗 Quipping “are they anybody’s?” after Kim laments “breakups are so not my thing.” Although I guess you could argue they are maybe Taylor Swift’s thing, but we won’t rub salt in the wound by taking it there. 

Fumbling with the doorbell to Khloé’s mansion. The number one rule of proximity to end zones and extreme fame is act like you’ve been there before, literally and figuratively!   

Saying he could make “so many good jokes” after Kim explains that when you’re carrying a baby “there’s no one else on this planet that will feel you from the inside like that.” Scott, are you a fifth grade boy who just watched The Miracle of Life video in health class??? 

TOTAL: 🥗 (1) salad and  (3) Jonathan Chebans 

JAMES CORDEN 

Burdening us with his presence in the first place. (Who invited this guy??) We already had to see him last season during Khloé’s appearance on his talk show, and all of this screen time from Mr. Egg Yolk Omelette better not become a pattern. 

Joking that every baby will look like him at some point in their life, even if only for a day or a minute. I don’t know what this means but I’m traumatized by the thought of James’ grown man face on a 2-week-old newborn’s body. 

 Screaming some shit like “I love peppers!” (or maybe it was Peppa, as in Peppa Pig?) when loudly chatting with a small child in the background of the shot while Kris and Kylie were trying to film a serious conversation. I get that you’re a Leo but you gotta read the room. 

TOTAL:  (5) Jonathan Chebans 

The gang was largely on good behavior this week, but we know we’re gearing up for a headbanger of a Kourtney x Kim MMA rematch in the very near future. Hopefully, Kourt has been taking some Rumble classes between all those new age kegel workshops. 

You can watch The Kardashians every Thursday at 12am ET on Hulu.

All images courtesy of Hulu. 

You know what they say: the Devil works hard but, Kris Jenner works harder.

The matriarch of the Kardashian-Jenner clan has practically invented (and even tried to trademark) the term “momager” successfully managing the careers of all six of her children and creating a multi-billion-dollar empire in the process. That empire, which now includes clothing lines, beauty products, and a lifestyle and wellness brand, started way back in 2007 with Keeping Up With The Kardashians. The E! reality show (one of the networks most popular) ran for 14 years.

In the past, Jenner credited the undeniable success of KUWTK to her kids and “their work ethic.” More recently, in her new MasterClass on personal branding, she gave the following piece of advice: “Be real and true to yourself.” (Yeah, because “real” is what we think of when we think of the Kardashians.)

But we can probably all agree that the real secret to their wildly successful, not to mention lucrative, empire is good PR. And for the Kardashian clan, their motto seems to be all PR is good PR. Just look at all the scandals they’ve had over the years! Kim’s sex tape, Kylie’s lip fillers, Kim’s short-lived marriage to Kris Humphries, Khloé’s entire relationship with Tristan Thompson, Kendall’s insensitive Pepsi commercial, Kim’s insensitive comment about how “nobody wants to work these days,” etc. etc.

Whether you love them or hate them, you’re paying attention to them. They know that. They thrive on that. They use that to drive more views—first on KUWTK and now on their new Hulu series, The Kardashians—and thus more money. It’s no secret that they use their real-life drama to create better storylines. And it’s been speculated by plenty that some of their storylines are outright PR stunts.

So, in October of 2021, when Kim was pictured holding hands with Pete Davidson after hosting Saturday Night Live (and sharing an on-screen kiss with him!), it seemed like one of two things: two friends (platonically) holding hands on a roller coaster or a PR stunt. Then, there was a rumored dinner date in Staten Island, followed by Pete’s birthday celebration with Kim, Kris, and (of all people) Flavor Flav. The fact that they wore matching SKIMS pajamas seemed to confirm that, yes, it was a PR stunt.

After that, we got a whole flurry of romance rumors and paparazzi photos of the pair—holding hands in Palm Springs, holding hands in Santa Monica, and vacationing together in The Bahamas. Neither Kim nor Pete spoke publicly about their new relationship, but then again, they didn’t need to. The paparazzi pictures and anonymous sources did it all for them until, finally, in February of 2022, Pete appeared to call Kim his girlfriend.

The following month, Kim showed off her own masterful PR skills. First, she shared photos of the two of them on Instagram. Then, she talked about him during an appearance on Ellen. And finally, she brought him to the premiere of The Kardashians in LA. Now, for the more conspicuous part: all of this happened between March 11, 2022 and April 7, 2022. And when did The Kardashians air on Hulu? April 14. Coincidence?

But, as obvious as some of the timing seems to be, the fact is the two are still going strong over nine months later. I know what you’re thinking: That doesn’t mean it’s not a PR stunt! And you’re right. While Pete is never seen on screen in season 1 of The Kardashians, he is mentioned several times and can even be heard off-camera in the season finale. Plus, earlier this month, a preview for season 2 shows the SNL alum making his debut on the show as Kim asks him if he wants to hop in the shower with her “really quick.” (Spoiler alert: he does.)

Between that and their PDA-filled snaps on Instagram, their relationship is continuously generating publicity for Kim. And yet…take a look at their latest Instagram post. Aside from the weird feet pics, what do you notice? Pete’s got a brand-new tattoo! This one reads, “Jasmine ∞ Aladdin,” a reference to the pair’s first kiss on SNL. Not only that, but it marks the fourth (yes, fourth!) tattoo Pete has gotten in honor of Kim, including a branding of her name on his chest, the letters “KNSCP” (her and her kids’ initials), and one that reads “my girl is a lawyer.”

That level of commitment would make me believe that perhaps these two really are in love. Either that, or Pete really needs to stop getting tattoos for the women he dates. After all, Kris Humphries believed their relationship was real, but after their marriage only lasted 72 days, he sought an annulment on the basis of fraud.

Image: Sean Zanni/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images

Can you imagine someone seriously asking which private jet they should take today? It sounds like something one of the Roy siblings would say. (Probably Kendall.) And yet, Kylie Jenner posed this very question on her Insta. No, the people are not happy. Maybe to avoid controversy, the Kardashians should start “keeping up” with the general public. (I volunteer as tribute to have my life broadcast on TV.)

On July 15, Jenner posted a pic on Instagram of her and Travis Scott, hugging. Cute, right? Forgot to mention that the couple is standing in between two private jets, with Jenner captioning the pic, “You wanna take mine or yours?” Unclear if they own both of these private jets, but they at least appear to have had access to them. Regardless of which private plane they ended up taking, the flight in question was apparently from Camarillo, CA to Van Nuys, CA, which would take approximately 3 minutes, or a drive that Google Maps puts at about 43 minutes. I know time is money, but… really?

This all comes after Jenner bought her private jet, which she called Kylie Air, in 2020 for about $70 million. Jenner had posted pics and videos of her private plane on Insta, showing off the interior details. Don’t worry, the plane had nothing extravagant. Just the necessities: neon lights, a full bar, and Hermès blankets on each seat (I wish I was kidding). It’s one thing to flaunt all their wealth and bougie lifestyles, that’s kind of the Kardashian M.O. Showing off two private jets though, during a very dire global climate crisis? When private jets tend to produce more CO2 emissions per passenger than commercial flights? It’s problematic, and the people have some thoughts.

“Kylie Jenner flying private has zero impact on the world but me using a plastic straw is where people draw the line…” writes one Twitter user. Anotheragrees, tweeting, “kylie jenner out here picking which colour private jet she wanna take today meanwhile I gotta chug my iced coffee before my straw becomes paper mache???? explain.”

On Jenner’s Insta post in question, one user commented, “maybe take neither’s and reduce your carbon footprint,” while another questioned, “Why do I have to limit my meat consumption and use paper straws while the 1% gets to pump tons of carbon into the atmosphere for a day trip to Palm Springs?” Re-f*cking-Tweet.

Not everyone jumped on the dogpile, though. One user took to Twitter to defend Jenner, writing, “The real reason why y’all mad at Kylie Jenner is cause y’all are broke,” adding, “leave the environment out of it.” Another wrote, “100,000 planes take off EVERY SINGLE DAY, and you’re worried about Kylie Jenner & her boyfriend having 2 private jets?”

At least sister Kim Kardashian is being a good role model and isn’t emitting tons of harmful emissions via a private plane…psych! On the latest season of The Kardashians, Kim showed off her new plane, Air Kim. (Inventive.) She walked through the details, saying “usually planes are, like, dark with lighter leather. Mine, I had custom all-light wood. I had a bathroom put in the front and a bathroom put in the back. Every seat has its own phone charger. The best, most exciting part of the plane—cashmere ceilings, cashmere pillows, headrests.”

Sorry, what was that? I can’t hear you all the way back here in economy basic.

Images: Mindy Small/FilmMagic

The Kardashians have been getting praised for doing the bare minimum for years, what with the rampant appropriation and the dry, overpriced lip kits that net them billion-dollar companies and the reality show that hasn’t been interesting in years and the… no you’re right I’ll stop, otherwise we’ll be here for hours. And now you can add body positivity to that list, as they *might* finally be not quite jumping on it, but carefully hovering one toe over the bandwagon, with Kourtney Kardashian posting an un-retouched butt selfie.

I know, alert the media.

Well, somebody (and I think we all know who) did alert the media —or, at least, PEOPLE magazine — which published an article entitled, “Fans Praise Kourtney Kardashian for Sharing an ‘Unedited’ Thong Bikini Photo: ‘Way to Empower”. It states, “Since is no stranger to posting butt-baring bikini pics, her eagle-eyed followers soon noticed that the photo appeared to show her backside exactly as it is, with no airbrushing involved.”

I’m not sure it takes an eagle eye to notice when someone’s skin hasn’t been blurred into oblivion, although I will say the “imperfections” here are quite subtle, so I’ll give it to them. The article then included a smattering of positive comments, such as, “Way to empower the natural women body!! Love this 🙌❤️,” and “I love that the little dimples were kept! It’s so natural and so beautiful 😍.”

 

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Sorry, my eyes rolled back in my head so hard they got stuck and I couldn’t type coherently for a minute there.

I mean, look, is it good that Kourtney didn’t take the opportunity to Facetune her butt, as surely many people on Instagram (and her own family) do? Are there a few (barely) visible ripples in the skin of her butt cheeks? Yes and yes. But excuse me if I’m not going to take this opportunity to praise the Kardashians, a family who basically feeds off an exclusive diet of controversy and rumored butt implants, for posting a “natural” photo. They have long been accused of warped photo editing, secretive cosmetic surgery, and generally feeding into and perpetuating unrealistic and toxic beauty standards, and fans have been begging for them to get real for years. And the best you could do is not airbrushing your butt? Also, not to get too in the weeds here, but if there is one body part that the Kardashians are known for, it’s their butts. (Say butt again.) Should anyone in that family really be getting a cookie for showing off one of their best features? Progress is progress, sure, but on the road to body positivity, this is one small step made by an inchworm with a bad leg.

And why was Kourtney posting an unedited pic anyway? Notably, the photo was posted not to Kourtney Kardashian’s Instagram, but to Poosh’s Instagram, which has a fraction of her personal following. (She posted a different butt picture to her personal Instagram that is conveniently devoid of dimples.) The caption accompanying this brave photo? “Talk about an instant butt lift. We tapped Kourt’s trainer @jesseohara for her top at-home pilates moves for a rounder rear. Link in bio for her tips.”

Despite what the glowing write-ups are implying, the photo was not intended to be a celebration of Kourtney’s natural body—or anyone’s, for that matter. Rather, it’s a promotion for an “at-home Pilates moves for a rounder butt” article on Poosh. And while advertising a Pilates-induced “instant butt lift” is not on the same level as promoting appetite suppressant lollipops or flat tummy tea or a cosmetic butt lift, promoting the idea of instant results from a whopping total of seven Pilates moves smacks of the same scamminess. It still boils down to “change your body quick by doing this thing I’m promoting”.

On the one hand, every celebrity posting their cellulite can give everyday people the confidence to embrace their own, or at least to not be bothered by it. But on the other hand, context is key, and posting this with the intent of driving readers to a butt workout is really just shifting those insecurities to a slightly different focus. Like, you don’t need to have a smooth ass, but you need to have a round one. Is that really doing anyone any good?

I get that for this Photoshopped cyborg family, releasing an unedited photo might be groundbreaking, but if that’s supposed to mean something for the rest of us, then the bar really is underground. This post doesn’t help anyone other than maybe Kourtney promote body acceptance or build confidence or acceptance of their own bodies — it’s still telling you how you can “improve” a part of your body (according to standards perpetuated by this very family).

To be clear, Kourtney herself is not the one putting forth the narrative that this is a groundbreaking move — that’s all the media, who are also linking it to Khloé’s infamous leaked, unedited bikini pic gaffe with headlines such as “Kourtney Kardashian Proudly Shows Off Cellulite After Khloe Kardashian’s Deleted Photo Controversy” and “Kourtney Kardashian’s Unedited Thong Photo Is Everything Khloé’s Critics Wish She Would Post”. But is that all we want them to post? Unedited photos? Unedited pictures are the first step—a step that celebrities have already been taking. The Kardashians are so late to the game it’s not even funny. One article gushes that the picture “shows off her fitness level while still giving us an unfiltered view of what a woman’s body looks like”. This is only “unfiltered” if you are taking an extremely literal and narrow definition of the word — yeah, there may or may not be a filter on this, but that’s about as relatable as it gets. Most women don’t have access to famous personal trainers. Most women don’t look like this!! It’s correct that we get an “unfiltered” look at what “a woman’s body” looks like—a woman. This one.

Call me radical, but we can — and should — wish for more than unedited thong photos. By celebrating this as some huge win, it just reinforces that the Kardashians can continue to be applauded for failing to do anything to actually move the needle.

Images: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Dior Men; poosh / Instagram

My plans for Thursday night were set in stone and secret. My roommate was out for the night, and I had the place to myself. I was to pour some red wine, turn down the lights, wrap myself in my Pete Davidson blanket, and sob to the finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. No one would know. How would they know?  

My phone buzzed, and to my horror, it was my editor. In my most vulnerable state, she asked, “Do you have any thoughts on the end of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’?” I knew what I had to do. I’ve poked fun at Demi Lovato, David Dobrik, Chet Hanks, and Piers Morgan, and now my greatest challenge was ahead of me. The time has come for me to make fun of the Kardashians. 

 I’ve watched Keeping Up since Kim had her old nose, Scott dressed like a rich Republican, and Kylie’s preteen body matched mine—absolutely unimaginable today. I’d love to dismiss the famous family and shout “eat the rich,” but it’s the dolls we have to thank for oversized salads, athleisure, and vocal fry. Since 2007, they’ve taught us how to lie about our BBLs, snack without using our lips, and create Oreo centerpieces.  

We have so many beautiful memories together. Remember when Kris slipped viagra in Caitlyn’s martini, but Rob drank it? Remember when Kim leaked Kourtney’s underage nudes and called the FBI? Remember when Kourtney pulled her baby out of her own vagina? Remember ‘Kim Kardashian Hollywood’ the game? 

The Kardashians redefined culture, sparking conversations around the influencer economy and inspiring semester-long collegiate courses, but in the last few years, Keeping Up has lost its steam. Family feuds and cheating scandals aside, the Kardashians have become increasingly tight-lipped and selective about what they share on the show. As a result, the last few years of content have had all of us shouting, “go on, girl, give us nothing.” 

It’s hard to say precisely where the enchantment wore off. It could be when they seemingly gave Kanye creative control, and all the confessionals turned beige. It could be when Kourtney and Scott broke up for good, giving him the green light to publicly date college freshmen. It could be when Khloé became the spokesperson for a migraine medication. It could have been last week, when the family of billionaires thanked Vrbo for sponsoring their Tahoe vacation. In the wake of the series finale, I’m most thankful to Vrbo for getting the f*ck out and letting me mourn in peace.

 Admittedly, not everything borne of the Kardashian influence has made us better. We can thank the famous sisters for the newest iteration of the body image warfare we face today, waist trainer-induced asthma, and the exploitation of Black women’s aesthetics. I patiently await the impending collegiate study on American speech patterns before and after the Kardashian reign. 

I’ll miss my guilty pleasure, but more importantly, I’ll miss the tea. Since the start, the Kardashians have used the show to speak on subjects that they usually wouldn’t in the media. It was on the show that we saw honest conversations about the Jordyn Woods cheating scandal, Kim’s near-death robbery experience in Paris, and Scott’s recent outing at a rehab facility. Last year, when the world watched Kanye melt down during his run for president, fans shamelessly hoped to watch the drama unfold on E! Kim’s decision not to discuss in detail the breakdown of her marriage on the show coupled with Kourtney’s growing privacy concerns meant the end of an era for pop culture. Khloé Kardashian, the world’s original favorite, can’t carry the show with just her photoshop scandals and tendency to be cheated on for sport. 

 As E! closes the book on our Royal Family, I can admit that my relationship with the show has had legitimate effects on my perception of reality. I once pinned a photo of Kim’s engagement ring to my secret Pinterest board, as if the ring that fueled a five-person armed robbery would ever sit on my finger. (Don’t ever speak of the Pinterest board again.) I once saw the annual Christmas Eve party photos and took note of their event planner’s name as I sat in my fifth-floor walk-up apartment I shared with a mouse. (Her name is Mindy Weiss.) I’ve purchased Kylie Lip Kits, Skims underwear, and fake Yeezy sweatshirts. I’ve given the dolls fourteen years of my life, and last night I said farewell and “ABCDEFG.”

After a decade and a half, here’s where we left the sisters. (Of course, you won’t miss them too much. By the end of this article, your social algorithm will surely send a Kardashian to the top of your feed.)

Kim learned that she failed her second attempt at the baby bar—granted, she did take the hours-long exam with a case of COVID and a failing marriage. Her new goal? Finding her happiness and a partner who can stand to live in the same state as her. 

Kourtney and Scott will continue their co-parenting journey, pretending to eye-roll when people suggest they hook up. Immediately following shooting, Kourtney slipped into her fishnets and tattooed “poosh” onto Travis Barker’s shaft.

Khloé is building a house in Boston, where she will live with Tristan and True when the family is not in LA. Her and True’s pharmaceutical ad aired during the commercial break, and after a long and winding road, she ended up where she started: brunette. 

Keeping Up With The Kardashians ushered in a new era of reality television. The family changed the face of pop culture forever, giving many of us weekly routines, careers, and reasons to live. So, with heavy hearts and improved self-esteem, we close with scripture. 

“Maybe if you HAD a fucking business that you were passionate about, then you would know what it takes to run a fucking business, but you DON’T.” – KKW 15:1

Image: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

I’ve been losing track of time a lot lately, mostly due to the fact that the last year has felt like an extended sabbatical from regular life. But when I saw that Tristan Thompson was in the news for allegedly cheating on Khloé Kardashian, I really needed to take a good, hard look at a calendar. Had I taken one too many melatonin tablets and woken up in 2019? Or 2018? Nope, it’s May 2021, and we are once again discussing Tristan’s questionable choices.

Unlike Tristan’s past cheating scandals, where he’s been caught red-handed with another woman, the current situation has been sort of a slow, messy burn. The woman at the center of it all is Sydney Chase, a 23-year-old who is—prepare to be shocked—an Instagram model. In a recent interview on the No Jumper podcast, and again on her TikTok account, Chase claimed that she had an intimate relationship with Tristan after meeting him in November of 2020. According to Chase, Tristan told her he was single, and they “hung out multiple times,” including going out in public together. Chase claims that when she found out he was actually in a relationship with Khloé, she “cut it off” with him. On the podcast, she was also asked about Tristan’s ~equipment~, and she responded “he has a peek-a-boo dick, but baby, it was good.” Aaaaand we’re officially in TMI territory.

@sydneychasexoYes the Tristan rumors are true… @haydenxrichelle @phonehomebabyet♬ Passionfruit – Drake

If any of that is true, it’s not good, but the actual cheating is really just the tip of the iceberg, somehow. Last month, in an Instagram live video with her friends, Sydney Chase shared several additional things that Tristan said to her during their relationship, and it’s all bleak. On the live, she said that Tristan asked her to send nudes, reading a message that said, “Yes baby I like that. I want to see what they look like. I’m curious.” Curious is a polite word for horny, I guess.

Chase also shared that Tristan told her she looked like Jordan Craig, the mother of his first child, and that Khloé is “not his type.” According to Chase, after she learned about his relationship and broke things off with him, he called her and said, “you’re what I like,” which is a major yikes. If Khloé is, in fact, not Tristan’s “type,” why is her putting her through all of this mess? Why did he date her in the first place? Think of how much nonsense we could have avoided over the years if Tristan politely ended things with Khloé after like, three dates. Instead, it seems like Khloé is on a permanent emotional rollercoaster over a man who has never given her the level of respect that anyone deserves in a relationship.

Getting back to Sydney Chase for a minute, she’s been adamant that none of this is really her problem. On her Instagram live, she said, “I ain’t sign nothing, you did what you did, that’s on you.” She has a point—if Tristan insists on doing this type of sh*t, he should really either make people sign NDAs, or maybe just choose women who aren’t actively trying to get famous online? Chase also added, “Tristan banged me, I did not bang him.” I’m not really sure that’s like, a scientific distinction, but I guess I get the vibe of what she means. If she really believed that he was single, and he was the one actively pursuing her, you really can’t blame her for being down.

In the two weeks since Sydney Chase initially spoke about Tristan in the podcast interview, things have obviously escalated. Chase stated in her TikTok video that Tristan contacted her when he heard about the podcast, in the hopes that he could kill the story before it gained publicity. Obviously, that didn’t happen, and Khloé reportedly found out about Chase’s story along with the rest of the tabloid-reading public. Since then, Khloé has done her classic routine of posting subtweet-y quotes on her Instagram story, but she also went straight to the source of the rumors.

Over the weekend, Sydney Chase posted a screenshot showing DMs she received from Khloé Kardashian. She covered the contents of the main message, but made sure not to blur out the message where Khloé asked her to keep their conversation private. Oops! Apparently Khloé forgot that she was dealing with someone who makes a living off of whatever clout she can get, so tbh she’s lucky that Sydney even covered part of the DMs.

Sure, Sydney has been messy by putting all of this information out in the open, but when it comes down to it, she’s just living her life. Realistically, any hot woman that comes into contact with Tristan Thompson could find themselves in this position, so good for her scoring some Instagram followers, and likely #spon opportunities out of this.

 

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But when it comes to Khloé, this f*cking sucks. We all remember the fallout surrounding the Jordyn Woods controversy, and when Khloé finally decided to give Tristan another chance, it felt like things might actually be different. On this season of KUWTK, they’ve had mature conversations about having another child together, and it seemed like they had turned a corner, not just in their romantic relationship together, but as mature adults who wanted to build a life and family together. But that foundation doesn’t seem so stable when any 23-year-old with lip fillers and a big ass can cause Tristan to forget everything he’s supposed to be doing. Once and for all, it’s time for Khloé to choose herself, and leave Tristan behind.

Images: Jerritt Clark/Getty Images for Klutch Sports Group; sydneychasexo / TikTok; theshaderoom / Instagram