Thank God for this week’s episode of The Handmaid’s Tale. I had honestly gotten worried that the show was bad now after those first three eps, which felt like a hodge-podge of fake inspirational moments set to weird music. But this week, dear readers, we are back and I, for one, am happy to feel the familiar terror of a good Handmaid’s ep again. We also get lots of Janine, which is never a bad thing.
We open on church bells, which are never a good sign in Gilead. All the women of Gilead appear to be on a power walk. Gotta get those steps in. Just because you’re living under an oppressive patriarchal theocracy doesn’t mean you can’t be fit!
Aunt Lydia has a new scooter, which is nice for her. OfRobert calls her “Hell on wheels,” but I prefer “Paulina Blart Handmaid Cop.” Turns out they’re all walking to a mass baptism, which is the Gilead version of Coachella. When they arrive, Janine, OfMatthew the narc, and June all get to sit in the VIP section because they’ve had children before. How nice for them. Maybe this is a good birthday party theme after all???
Flashback To Before Things Went To Sh*t
All of this reminds June of when Hannah was baptized, which was a significantly less depressing affair. I had forgotten about June’s badass feminist mom, who immediately calls the priests “holier than thou child molesters” and tells June that you “cannot let religon control your choices,” because “thats what they want.” Foreshadowing much, Mama June?
The biggest takeaway from these scenes is that June and Luke are extremely cute, and Moira’s discomfort during the ceremony made me feel seen.
Baptism Pool Party!!!
Fred is here. Why is Fred always here?
June: I ought to feel hatred for this man. I know I ought to feel it, but it isn’t what I feel…
Me: Don’t worry girl I’ve got you on the hating Fred front.
Gilead whenever they see babies:
After the baptism, there is a party at Janine’s old house, which the handmaids are invited to attend. Truly wild that Janine is invited to that party considering she once kidnapped the baby of the house and jumped off a bridge with it but, whatevs. All is forgiven, I guess.
OfMatthew: Handmaids shouldn’t be at the party. That’s not how it works.
OfMatthew was clearly the one who raised her hand to tell the teacher they forgot to assign homework back in the old days.
Serena Joy arrives fashionably late, and June pulls her aside to remind her that, despite the whole kidnapping and losing a finger thing, SJ is still the HBIC of the wives. She has the best eyebrows. She has all the cigs. She’s essentially the cool senior who smokes on the quad during lunch. And that, my friends, is power.
Can I just say the scenes of Emily trying to readjust to normal life are some of the best of this series and Alexis Bledel is a national goddamn treasure? Can I just say that?
Me as soon as Emily comes on screen knowing she is to be reunited with her wife:
Emily and her high cholesterol go to her wife, Sylvia’s, place to reintroduce her to their son, Oliver, and once again Handmaid’s Tale has me sobbing into my wine glass. Like, did they really need to cast an adorable little boy with an adorable little boy lisp for this scene? Couldn’t they have chosen one of those kids with the weirdly sweaty hands and a perpetual snot bubble or something? Give us a f*cking break.
Oliver: Emily will you read to me?
Emily: *Sobbing immediately*
Sylvia: *Sobbing immediately*
Me: *Sobbing immediately*
Oliver: Uh…okay…I guess I’ll just read it myself…
Back to the Party
We open on a casual Aunt Lydia sh*t talking session. OfMatthew interrupts immediately with an “Aunt Lydia is just doing her job,” and it’s like OKAY HERMIONE DON’T YOU HAVE SOME F*CKING STUDYING TO DO?!? Janine has resumed her role as the Spongebob of Gilead by acting like getting frisked by the police was just some light tickling, and by offering to bring Aunt Lydia some tea. Here’s a screenshot of that moment:
Aunt Lydia: I know why all the handmaids don’t like me. They blame me for Emily.
Janine: *stares in one eyeball*
Meanwhile in the kitchen, the sh*t talking sesh has been interrupted by Fred, who clears the entire room within 30 seconds.
“Have you girls tried the buffet? The deviled eggs are delicious.” – Fred flirting.
Once the other handmaids are gone, Fred turns to June for advice about his marriage, which he thinks is ruined because of Nichole, but is actually ruined because he let his friends cut his wife’s finger off. This is basically a recreation of every time your guy friend comes to you for dating advice, and you have to find a way to gently tell him that he’s a f*ckboi with bad style whose dating app profile needs serious work.
June: Maybe you should let Serena have thoughts and opinions again?
Janine and Angela
Cut to: Serena Joy enjoying a Virginia Slim by the pool.
June tells SJ that she told Fred to stop being such a f*ck and to give her more of a say in what goes on in Gilead. SJ repays this later by telling June where Hannah is most likely to go to school. Besties!!!
June: Wear the dress. Pull the strings.
Me: Brb I have a new tattoo to get.
Sadly, the party takes a dark turn when baby Angela (aka Janine’s baby) comes out to play.
Janine as soon as she sees Angela:
Things honestly go okay at first. Janine is allowed to hold Angela and she doesn’t try to murder-suicide her so it’s a definite improvement over the last time they hung out. Then, in typical Janine fashion, she loses her sh*t and starts begging to be their handmaid again so she can live in the house with Angela, which leads to Aunt Lydia LOSING HER F*CKING MIND AND BEATING JANINE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. Clearly almost dying did *not* sit well with her and she’s basically the Hulk now. But like, a v religious Hulk that needs a scooter to get around. June eventually stops her but, damn, that’s one way to ruin a party. Like, of all the times I’ve been to a party and felt like I ruined it, at least I never lost my mind and beat the sh*t out of a mentally ill woman with one eyeball who also happens to be my only friend. At least I’ve never done that.
Aunt Lydia after she’s done going psycho on Janine:
Like most parties that go south this fast, the police arrive. June lingers around to see the cops showing Fred and SJ some YouTube videos on their iPad. Weird. The video turns out to be of Luke and baby Nichole at a protest. This makes June happy, and when the cops ask her if that’s Luke, she confirms his identity, but is anybody else worried Gilead is gonna use this to try and get baby Nichole back? Like, is this going to be an Elian Gonzalez situation? Because I feel like Luke’s legal argument for keeping Nichole is dubious at best. But maybe that’s just the conspiracy theorist in me.
Back In Canada
The episode ends with Moira and Luke trying to explain their relationship with Nichole to a priest so they can get her baptized, which only makes me believe more in my theory that a Nichole custody battle is forthcoming.
We end on a very sweet scene of Luke and Moira baptizing Nichole set to “Down by the River to Pray” from O Brother Where Art Thou? A family truly can look like anything!
Under his eye, fam. Until next week!
Images: Hulu; Giphy (7)
For this jumbo-sized Handmaid’s Tale recap, we’ll be tackling episodes two and three of season three of The Handmaid’s Tale because Hulu knows if you want to hook an audience you have to let them binge at least three episodes. Are we surprised that the people who brought Gilead to life are this devious?
Speaking of Gilead, does anyone feel like they don’t understand this country’s rules anymore? Sometimes they’re cutting off women’s fingers for reading the Bible too sexily, and other times they’re sending June home from a kidnapping attempt with a slap on the wrist. IDGI.
For example, here are some things that had absolutely no consequences last episode:
-June kidnapping Nichole and sending her to Canada.
-June attempting to kidnap Hannah and getting caught.
-Serena Joy burning her own house down.
I’d be pretty pissed if I were one of the thousands of women season one Gilead executed for looking at milk too long.
Episode two opens on June getting started at her new job. We get a two second glimpse of Janine, which is about a thousand less seconds then we deserved. Where’s that crazy bitch been? I miss her.
June has a new walking partner (OfMatthew) who tells June (and by extension, us) that Gilead is about to “take back Chicago.” Kanye must be devastated. OfMatthew tells June she’s been “praying for the Waterfords” and attempts to talk sh*t about Emily, who has been blamed for kidnapping the Waterfords’ baby. Sadly it seems that OfMatthew is something of a narc.
OfMatthew: I don’t know why OfJoseph would do such a thing!
June: Back up bitch, that’s my best f*cking friend.
OfMatthew f*cks off once June gets to the grocery store, giving her time to chat with OfRobert about the news of the day like the fact that Chicago is lost and all the Marthas are hanging out without them.
OfRobert: The Marthas know everything but they don’t f*ck with handmaids.
June: Oh really…
At Commander Zaddy’s
Holy sh*t, Aunt Lydia is alive! I distinctly remember her being stabbed multiple times and falling down a flight of stairs, but apparently she has risen from the dead. Once again I ask myself, am I watching Game of Thrones?
Aunt Lydia wants to know wtf is up with Commander Zaddy’s wife, Madame Zaddy, and I agree. Is this a Jane Eyre situation? It’s hard to tell. Either way, Aunt Lydia is not into Commander Zaddy at all and wastes no time asking June to tell her if she also gets bad vibes. Then, out of nowhere, Lydia just loses her sh*t and TASES OFFRED. Like, one minute they’re chatting about Emily, the weather, etc…The next minute, Aunt Lydia is all psycho about to light a bitch up. I guess that whole getting stabbed and falling down the stairs thing did have some effect.
Aunt Lydia on her way out: BTW I saw you gossiping at the grocery store.
Emily In Canada
In this scene, Emily goes to the doctor and tbh I blacked out at the words “clitoral reconstruction.” But apparently Emily has high cholesterol.
Back At Commander Zaddy’s
Oh hell yeah, it’s Martha time. June finds the Marthas plotting to get somebody out and she sees now as the perfect time to infiltrate her new friend group. One of the Marthas has no eye which makes me miss Janine. Where the f*ck is Janine?
June: Owwwkayyyy ladies now let’s get in formation!!! How do we do, fellow Marthas?
June walking into the forbidden parts of the city:
Martha One: God bless our laborers.
Martha Two: Through we are cleansed.
The plan works great until it doesn’t, and a shot Martha shows up at their house, screaming and making a f*ckton of noise. June, who once had to silently give birth alone, isn’t having any of it and tells her to STFU immediately.
Commander Zaddy: What was that?
One Eyed Martha: We…saw…a…rat?
After a very close call with the police, the shot Martha dies and June is forced to bury her body in the backyard alone because Commander Zaddy is “mad” they brought a “fugitive” into his house to let her “die there” or whatever.
In this scene Commander Z also screams “DO NOT PRESUME TO SPEAK TO ME ABOUT MY WIFE!!!” which is def the new “don’t talk to me or my son ever again.”
Back To Canada
Cut to: Luke drunkenly ruining dinner because he can’t get his sh*t together, like he’s me at Thanksgiving or something. He’s asking Emily questions about her family even though Emily hasn’t decided if she’s going to slide into her ex wife’s DMs just yet.
Moira: Hey Luke, why don’t you go get the f*cking potatoes and STFU?
Turns out Luke is just sad because Nichole reminds him of June. Blah blah blah the Canada scenes are boring.
Cut to: Emily getting an eye exam.
Emily’s post-Gilead to-do list so far:
1. Go to the eye doctor.
2. Clitoral reconstruction.
3. Find out if family remembers me.
It is under these—and only these—circumstances that any human would ever actually get their eye doctor’s appointment done first. Under any other circumstances you just procrastinate that sh*t until you’re no longer legally allowed to operate a vehicle. Once the eye exam is done, Emily jumps right to #3 on the list, reconnecting with family. Because the clitoral thing is probs gonna take some time.
Emily’s Wife: Em?
Serena’s Mom Has Got It Goin’ On: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Episode Three
In between my watching episodes two and three, Kylie Jenner threw her friend a Handmaid’s Tale themed birthday party. Because we all watch Gilead and think, “I want to go to there!” Let’s see how well this episode matches up with Kylie’s fun bday theme!
We open on hanging bodies. Or as Kylie would call them, piñatas. Janine is back, thank God, but we still only get like two seconds of J-time. Bring back Janine! We want our girl! Apparently the rules of Gilead aren’t totally over because the government has been hanging a f*ckton of Marthas for their involvement in May Day.
“If I’m going to survive this, I’m going to need allies. Allies with power.” – June/Me At A Party
At Commander Zaddy’s
Turns out that Commander Z is so important that he never has to go to meetings. Nope. He has the meetings come to him. And that, my friends, is a career goal. All the Commanders are over to meet with Z, which unfortunately means that Fred and baby’s penis are also in attendance. Any party Fred is invited to is one I do not want to know anything about.
Fred: Oh, hey June
June: Okay cut the sh*t and tell me everything you know about Commander Lawrence.
June presses Fred for tea on Commander Zaddy and Fred willingly spills it because he is a weak-willed little snot. His big revelations? “We’ve found him hard to read,” and “he doesn’t like to be bored.”
Thanks Fred, you useless f*ck.
Serena And Her Mom
So this is Serena Joy’s mom. Mama Joy. Turns out Serena’s been staying at her mom’s place while she figures out whether or not she wants to stay married to a guy who let his friends cut her finger off. Decisions, decisions. Luckily, Rita has made Serena a very chic blue leather finger to wear around. I’m not kidding when I say this leather finger is gorgeous, and I could honestly see it being the accessory of the season. Kylie really missed out by not giving these out as favors at her party.
Serena’s mother is hosting a casual prayer group at her house, which is the Gilead version of throwing one of those MLM sex toy parties. Just when you think the prayer circle is done, the priest calls in Serena and says he wants to pray for “her marriage.” Even in Gilead, you gotta worry about your mom spilling all your business to her friend group.
Serena: I don’t want to go back to Fred because he let his friends cut my finger off.
The Men’s All-Male Misogyny Meeting
And now for a glimpse into Commander Zaddy’s patriarchy book club. What fun! June is on pouring duty so she gets to hear pieces of the meeting, and whaddya know, NICK is there! This means that Nick has gotten promoted to Commander, and might I just say that he looks great in those Commander clothes? Praise be, indeed.
Commander Z calls June to pour sh*t and commences playing some f*ckboy games with her. He makes her go get a sexist book off the bookshelf and all the men creepily watch her because they are all gross, horny bastards who get turned on by even the most basic librarian duties.
Commanders: *All laugh at June*
After the meeting, June checks in with Commander Zaddy to be like “Uh…what the f*ck was that?” and they get in a big fight about good and evil and morality and whatnot. My eyes rolled all the way back into my f*cking skull when Commander Z makes an offhanded remark about “binders full of women” here, which is a reference to a 2012 Mitt Romney quote. What’s next? June looks to the camera and says, “I’m a Nasty Woman!” Maybe Janine will drop a “nevertheless she persisted”? Corny. As. F*ck.
To prove to June he’s right (or just to f*ck with her, I’m not sure) Commander Zaddy brings June to a military facility where they’re holding a bunch of women meant for the colonies.
June: Wtf is this?
Commander: They were supposed to all be killed but I’m sending them to the colonies!
June: That’s still basically killing them tho…
Commander: But I got five of them jobs as Marthas!
June: There are like five hundred people here?
Commander: There were only five jobs!
June: Is this supposed to impress me?
In the end, the Commander tells June she has to decide which five get to be Marthas. Because like a typical f*ckboy, he’s gotta drag her down into all his own bullsh*t.
June + Serena
Next up on the reunion train: Serena Joy! Serena stops by June’s place to trade traumas. This is the Gilead version of when your friend texts you and is like, “Come downstairs, I’m outside and have wine!”
We end with an inspirational montage. Part of it is Serena Joy just like, running into the ocean. She leaves her chic leather finger behind which is good because like, leather def cannot go in the ocean.
June surprises Commander Zaddy by presenting him with the five women she’s chosen, who, unbeknownst to him (or maybe beknownst to him? I can’t figure out what Commander Zaddy beknows), are all going to be able to aid in the #resistance.
And that, is what you do not f*ck with June, my friends. I still miss Janine tho.
Images: Hulu, Giphy (7),
June is officially back on this week’s Handmaid’s Tale and TBH, I couldn’t be happier. When we last left our intrepid handmaid, she was in the hospital after casually miscarrying for 24 hours and watching her boyfriend get married to a high school freshman. You know, typical Gilead shit. Let’s get into it, shall we?
At The Scary Gyno’s Office
We open on the too-bright Gyno’s office where June is, as is Gilead’s custom, having a pelvic exam in front of an audience. Every woman’s literal nightmare. Like, it’s bad enough that the doctor even has to be there for your pap smear. No need to add additional humans.
Mrs. Waterford, who probably feels bad for breaking Offred’s brain and then forcing her to watch her boyfriend get married to Hannah Montana, offers to let June check out the ultrasound. It’s a sweet moment until you consider that Serena Joy still 100% intends to steal this baby once it is born.
This, in Gilead, is the pinnacle of female friendship.
Back At The Waterford’s
I am happy to report that bitchy mean June is back.
Serena Joy: Offred would you like a delicious green juice
Everything is gucci in the Waterford household until Nick’s infant wife arrives on the scene to remind us all that Nick has an infant wife now and she’s like, totally obsessed with him. Very high school. Which is appropriate because she is in high school. (That is, if women are allowed to go to high school in this universe.)
Once SJ and Baby Wife are gone, Nick and June have a much needed “what are we?” conversation, that turns into a breakup because don’t they always?
Me watching this whole scene: I’m so glad Nick and his new wife aren’t fucking. Thank God for good guys in this world. Nick won’t disappoint me!
Narrator: Nick will disappoint her.
Rita walks in and gives them the “I know you guys are fucking” look. Marthas don’t play.
The Rachel And Leah Center
Cut to: Tiny Dick Waterford at his shitty job.
Mr. Whateverford is overseeing the construction of a state of the art new torture zone for handmaids. Being that she is VP of Handmaid Torture, Aunt Lydia is also there.
Aunt Lydia: Wow all the women in your life are so strong and have minds of their own.
Mr. Waterford: Ugh I know so annoying, right?
The new construction site is called “The Rachel and Leah Center,” which in any other world would be a really expensive yoga studio, but in Gilead it’s a brainwashing and sexual misconduct hub.
Seriously, this place looks like it could be a dope Lifetime Fitness. I’d waste $1k on a gym membership I don’t ever use here. Hopefully it will be repurposed once Gilead’s bullshit is over.
Nick’s Sad Loft
Now we’re at Nick’s dingy one bedroom above the garage that seems more appropriate for an 18-year-old boy who wants to live with his parents without actually living with his parents than a grown ass man with a job and a family.
Nick: Sooo….let me know if you need anything.
Baby Wife: I want you to take my virginity.
Nick: I was thinking more like, if you wanted me to buy a Brita filter but okay.
From this scene, we learn that Baby Wife is obsessed with housework and fucking. One of those is pretty typical for teenagers.
Baby Wife starts putting the moves on her husband, and Nick does the only appropriate thing for an adult man to do when a teenage girl offers him sex: he leaves the room. CC: all men ever. Nick knows what to do.
Narrator: Nick does not know what to do.
Baby Wife: You can smoke in here! It’s your
sad one bedroom above a garage house! You can do whatever you want.
Nick: I want to leave.
Meanwhile, June is crashing on the couch because stairs are bad for the baby. Living in an oppressive religious patriarchy is also probably bad for the baby, but nobody is discussing that.
Serena Joy: Offred tell me what it’s like to be pregnant.
June: Well you can’t smoke —
Serena Joy: — and I’m out.
Flashback To Serena Joy’s Origin Story
In this week’s series of flashbacks, we learn that in her previous life Serena Joy was some sort of Tomi Lahren type figure if instead of yelling about NFL players kneeling, Tomi Lahren advocated for women to “embrace their biological destiny” and become baby making machines. So like, Tomi Lahren a year from now, basically.
Serena is supposed to speak at some event and at first you think the crowd is cheering for her, but we quickly learn they fucking hate her. Like, is there not one person in this crowd who came to hear her speak forreal?
Serena Joy: They like me! They really like me!
The Crowd: FASCIST BITCH!!!!!
SJ tries to give her speech, but the crowd goes fucking nuts, screaming over her and calling her a “Nazi c*nt” before she’s even said hello. As any woman who has ever used Twitter can attest, this behavior is not unique to Gilead.
Mr. Waterford: People can’t treat you like this!!! This is America!
Mrs. Waterford: Not if I have anything to do with it…
Back At The Waterford’s
Back to June, who is literally so bored she’s going to seek out a conversation with Mr. Waterford. Girl I know this whole world tortures you, but why torture yourself?
June initiates the conversation the same way any woman has ever initiated a conversation with her ex: “Are you mad at me?”
Mr. Waterford then responds the exact way every lying ex ever has by saying “no” and refusing to make direct eye contact.
Why is this happening? Am I supposed to be cool with these two being friends now? Because I’m literally not.
This entire scene I am distracted by Mr. Waterford’s meal, which is a large block of cheddar cheese, an entire loaf of bread, and a glass of milk, which he eats with a giant knife. This fucker has got. to. go.
Per usual, Mr. Watercuck (Am I using that insult right? I’ve never used it before. Wanted to see how it felt…) takes June saying hello as an invitation to hit on her. Men.
The next day, Becky the Baby Bride (can you guys tell I don’t know her name?) comes to bother June about why Nick won’t have sex with her.
Becky Baby: I feel so stupid…
June: Imagine how stupid you’ll feel when you find out this is his baby.
Honestly, this scene warmed my heart. It’s just great to see that even in a tyrannical oppressive government, being a two-faced bitch to your ex’s new gf is still a thing.
Infant Wife: He he hates me! I’m so ugly!
June: Omg girl noooo you’re soooo cute. Like I’m jealous. **immediately texts OfGlen about how ugly and stupid Baby Wife is**
Like the teenager that she is, Baby Wife floats the idea that Nick won’t have sex with her because he’s gay.
June: …he’s not…
The Handmaid’s Brunch
SJ decides to extend an olive branch to June by doing the only thing there is left to do when someone is going through a public (and government-mandated) breakup: she plans a brunch with the girls.
And like most people who plan a mandatory brunch, Serena quickly realizes that nobody wants to talk to her and she is forced to fuck off to her garden.
Handmaids While Serena Is There: We’ve been sent good weather…Praise Be…
Handmaids When Serena Leaves: Omfg I can’t believe you live with her she’s sooooo annoying.
This is literally the saddest group meal since my friend Michelle hosted a dinner to let us all know we probably got herpes from her water bottle at Electric Zoo. Tragic.
Anyway, Serena has no friends so she goes to find solace with her plants. Very Neville Longbottom of her.
Flashback To Serena’s Origin Story
We’re back at the protest, that is starting to look like a legit riot and/or any time a Philly sports team wins something. Surprisingly Serena uses this as an opportunity to win them over.
The Crowd: WE HATE YOU
The Crowd: Wait I get it now…
Serena has -.5 seconds to enjoy her win over the angry mob before someone SHOOTS HER IN THE FUCKING UTERUS.
Yep. That’s right. Serena’s origin story is that she was SHOT IN THE UTERUS BY ANTIFA!!!!!
Narrator: It doesn’t.
Back At The Waterford’s
Cut to: Serena and June chilling decorating the nursery like two regular gal pals and not two people yolked together by biological slavery. Cute.
Pros of the new nursery: It exists in the one inch sliver of Sun that touches the Waterford household.
Cons of the new nursery: It is in the Waterford household.
June takes the new friendship too far and
asks Serena to hang outside of work asks Serena to take her to go see her baby. I guess the thinking here is that if Serena could take her to see Hannah once for revenge, she could easily do it again for friendship.
Serena: It’s a no from me.
IDK what June thought was going to happen here. She, of all people, should know who she’s fucking with when she fucks with Serena Joy. Serena Joy is like Megyn Kelly if Megyn Kelly blew up the fucking White House.
Cut to: June telling Nick he has to have sex with an underage girl. Goddamnit Nick. Goddamnit June. Goddamnit everyone.
Nick: I don’t want to?
June: Oh so you have to fuck someone you don’t want to? That’s so sad for you.
Nick (before leaving to go have sex with a 9th grader): I love you.
Cut to: Nick saying a prayer before having sex with Baby Wife. We’re really doing this, aren’t we? Clearly, I am not happy about this. But at least Nick isn’t either.
Aaaand there’s a sheet with a hole in it. Of course there’s a sheet with a hole in it. Did we really think we were going to get through Handmaid’s Tale without seeing two people have sad rape-adjacent sex through a sheet with a hole in it? Honestly shame on me for not calling this sooner.
Just like all bad sex, the whole thing ends with Nick turning over and asking “are you okay?” Note to all men: if the sex ends with you finishing and then saying “are you okay?” something has gone terribly wrong.
Baby Wife: I can’t wait to see if it works.
Me: Girl this isn’t Secret Life Of The American Teenager. You had sex one time. You’re not pregnant. Calm down.
Honestly, I am disappointed in all parties involved. Nick. June. Hulu. The person who invented TV. All of them.
While all of this is going down, Serena Joy is back in her garden, being pissed at June.
Mr. Waterford: Rita said you were in here all day.
Serena Joy: Rita needs to keep my name out her mouth.
Serena Joy: The fucking handmaid asked me if she could see her baby isn’t that so unreasonable?
Mr. Waterford: I will use this info for sex thank you.
Flashback To Serena In The Hospital
The only thing I have to say about this scene is that Mr. Waterford is a grotsky little beyotch and it’s funny to me that Serena calls the sniper a “terrorist” when she’s literally 12 months shy of blowing up Congress and overthrowing the government of the United States.
Back At The Waterford’s
Mr. Waterford sneaks his gross ass into June’s room for some fuckery because of course he fucking did. Grotsky. Little. Beyotch.
Mr. Waterford: Hey, I got you this pic of your daughter
June: Omg thank you this is such a kind gestu—
Mr. Waterford: **grabs her boob**
So, the picture of June’s child was a sex favor. Of course it was.
Mr. Waterford: Soooo…about us fucking
June: Omg wish I could but I’m worried about the baby.
“I’m worried about the baby” is the “I need to find my friend” or Handmaid’s Tale.
Cut to: June eating a roast beef patty, a bunch of tomatoes, and milk for breakfast.
Child Bride walks in and gives everybody a look that can only mean “I lost my virginity.”
Serena Joy uses this opportunity to play some mind games on June, who she’s still angry with. The whole scene is an extended “don’t you think his hair looks sexy pulled back?”
Serena Joy (to Child Bride): Drop something on the floor and make Offred pick it up.
June: ….I need to find my friend.
The Rachel And Leah Center Launch Party
Creep by day, creep by night, Mr. Waterford is now giving a big speech to open up the Rachel and Leah Torture Emporium.
Blah blah blah he’s giving some long dumb speech about handmaids while the handmaids stand around and watch. Honestly, he’s so boring. I fucking hate this guy. I wish one of the handmaids would just like build a bomb and — OH MY GOD ONE OF THE HANDMAIDS BUILT A BOMB AND BLEW THE WHOLE PLACE UP.
I literally can’t with this show. I’m not mentally ready for next week.
To keep it absolutely 100, this week’s episode of The Handmaid’s Tale was boring as fuck. Are you seriously going to follow up June chopping her own ear off and Emily murdering a random woman in the colonies with…Canada? Canada is literally the less interesting version of IRL America, and we’re not even a totalitarian religious patriarchy (yet). I was happy to see Moira and all, but her plot line is now a snooze-fest that not even some aggressive bathroom finger-banging can improve.
Also, this recap marks the switch from calling our leading lady “Offred” to “June” because like, feminism and shit.
At The Old Boston Globe
June is still chilling at the Boston Globe office, where journalists were rounded up and killed for doing their job. Luckily, this is all fiction and would never happen IRL and the relationship between the government and the press has never been better. (Note to readers: do not Google “White House Correspondent’s Dinner.”)
Anyway, June has gone full serial killer in her boredom, hanging up newspaper clippings for some sort of personal scrapbooking project she’s working on. Guess you gotta pass the hours somehow.
June during this scene:
Nick: You didn’t wake me up.
June: Because If I wake you up then you leave.
Me: Ugh June don’t be so clingy guys hate that.
The old timey sea captain from episode 2 returns to tell June it is time to GTFO.
June: Hold on one sec I left my makeup bag upstairs.
Old Timey Sea Captain: Looks like you’re gonna be rocking a natural look then.
Flashback To The Dark Women’s March
Here we get to see The Handmaid’s Tale’s version of the Women’s March, which takes place at night and instead of wearing pussy hats everyone throws the name of their rapist into a fire. Sounds fun.
June: My mom told me they were burning the name of their rapist.
Me: When I was your age my mom told me babies were made when a woman swallowed a watermelon seed.
Since being a sex slave for a patriarchal government, Moira has scored a sweet Canadian internship. Nice!
Moira: So let me show you to your –
Random Guy: — I watched my gay lovers hanged and had to clean their lifeless bodies.
Moira: Umm…therapy is down the hall.
Apparently there are trauma counselors available to all Gileadean (Gileadian? Gileadite?) refugees so I guess the Canadian healthcare system has not skipped a beat throughout all of this. Good to know.
Flashback To June’s Chill Mom
The main point of this episode is to let us know that June’s mom was a hardcore feminist activist who didn’t think June’s job as the editor of a website was cool enough. As the editor of a website let me just say: I did not like this episode.
June and her mom have a classic mother-daughter relationship. June wants her mom to lay off her back. June’s mom wants her daughter to wake up to the rise of religious totalitarianism in her country. Typical coming-of-age shit
June: Hey mom! I just got promoted!
June’s Mom: I just got rocks thrown at me while serving as an abortion escort. Nice blog tho.
June: So about my wedding
June’s Mom: What part of “the country is being taken over by a hyper-religious anti-woman fascist state” don’t you understand?
June’s Big Adventure
June is taken to another random location that was probably used for mass murder. Seriously, who is booking June’s Airbnbs? Nick?
June is sure putting a lot of trust in random men for a woman who was forced into being a Handmaid, just sayin’.
Random Man: Come with me, I’ll take to you to the airstrip now and then you’ll be in Canada faster than you can say “Degrassi Next Generation.”
June: Amazing can’t wai —
Random Man: Lol jk the safe house was compromised.
Rather than being left alone at her nightmare loft, June throws herself in front of Random Man’s car, demanding he take her with him. Can you blame her?
Random Man’s House
Random Man’s Wife As Soon As He Gets Home:
So this is what life is like for normals (apparently called “Econopeople”) in Gilead. TBH, I didn’t realize there were just like, regular people in this world. Especially regular people with kids. June alludes to the fact that this is the life she would have lived if she hadn’t been deemed a sinner and I need like 150% more information about this family and their weird lives before I am satisfied.
The only thing we know for sure about the norms: everyone wears grey, and church is 10 hours long.
Random Man’s Wife: I would rather die than be a sex slave and give up my baby.
June: What part of “sex slave” don’t you understand?
June is left alone while the fam is at church, and she takes the opportunity to fuck with all their stuff. They don’t show her taking a shower and using all of Random Man’s Wife’s expensive hair and skincare products, but you know she totally did.
June To The Strangers’ House:
During her snooping, June finds the family’s hidden Quran and prayer mat, which she promptly lays out and uses like she’s a babysitter taking advantage of the family’s string cheese supply.
June: How could they not be back by now? This is so rude!
Me: Uhh you just sat on their prayer mat for funsies.
Flashback To Aunt Lydia Doing A Powerpoint About Global Warming
So we finally found the one thing that Gilead is low-key right about, and that’s global warming. I guess once a country has finally subjugated all the women in it’s population, they can finally focus on environmental regulations. Nobody tell them Mother Earth is a woman.
June During Most Of The Powerpoint:
June sees her mom on the powerpoint and realizes she’s has been sent to the colonies. Then she starts crying in class like she’s me sophomore year or something.
Me During This Scene/The Whole Episode:
I’m gonna go ahead and predict right now that June’s mom is still alive in the colonies where she runs an underground women’s college/lesbian abortion clinic for former handmaids.
June On The Loose
June decides her new buds are taking too long because they might have been kidnaped or whatever, and decides to grab her map, her backpack, her trusty pal boots and – oh shit sorry that’s Dora the Explorer. My b.
June does have a map tho…
June On Her Way To The Airstrip:
Ya girl throws on some ugly ass clothes, leaves the house, and within 2 second she is through an entire corn maze and back at the exact spot where she lost her daughter years ago and then to the airstrip where she will get safe passage to Canada.
Me watching this go down:
Meanwhile, In Canada
Moira is working through some of her past trauma by fingering random ladies in the bathroom of a bar.
Now we see Moira’s true and terrible fate: while she can give amazing orgasms, she is not yet ready to receive them.
Moira lies about her name to her freshly fingered friend because she’s just cold like that. Then she goes home to her new weird Canadian family which consists of herself, Luke, and Erin, a mute woman we all vaguely remember from season 1 who Luke saved from Gilead.
Erin (speaking for the first time maybe?): Blessed be the Fruit Loops
June’s Red Eye To Canada
June gets through security and makes it to her flight and she is finally saved! Hooray! June and her baby are on their way to Canada and everything is fine and there is no more Handmaid’s Tale. Whew. I, for one, was exhausted. Can’t wait for the finale next week where June, Luke, and their new baby create a happy and healthy life in Little America!
Lol Jk their plane is shot out of the sky and June is pulled out of the plane by a government agent. Gotcha bitch.
TBH, Hulu really dragged out this very long “escape” that we knew wasn’t really gonna happen. Underwhelming.
Well ladies, it’s that time of the week again. Time to check in on the handmaids of Gilead, and honestly, if you don’t immediately donate your entire direct deposit to your local Planned Parenthood after this one, then IDK what to tell you.
We open on sex, but like, the good kind. The kind where both people are into it and have orgasms and take off their clothes and stuff. It’s a welcome change.
Offred: But that can’t happen again.
Audience: Girl, I tell myself the same thing.
Sadly for Offred, the sex is over and now she’s back in Handmaid world, cleaning blood off of a wall, like ya do. Aunt Lydia is there and so is Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine. Important foreign people are coming to Gilead and they don’t want them to know about the whole “we hang bodies from this wall as a reminder to all of our iron-clad regime” thing.
Side bar to anyone from Gilead who is reading this rn (because Gilead is basically real at this point): Ya’ll would have a much easier time washing your blood wall if you try to clean it regularly, rather than only cleaning it when fancy foreigners are coming. But like, I always tell myself the same thing about cleaning my bedroom so I get that it’s easier said than done.
Random Handmaid From Episode One: Foreign ambassadors are coming. They’re going to be at your house.
Offred: How tf do you know that? And where tf did you come from? I haven’t seen you since episode one?
Random Handmaid From Episode One: My commander. Small dick, big mouth.
Offred: Lol okay you can hang.
Cut to Offred at home chatting with Serena Joy. Turns out Random Handmaid From Episode One was right: A trade delegation from Mexico is coming and SJ is in full wife mode, making sure everything is on point for when the Mexicans arrive.
SJ: Hey so, while I have you here, if you could not mention the fact that you’re a sex slave while the Mexicans are here, that would be so great.
Offred: But I am a—
SJ: Awesome. Great chat.
Flashback to when the Waterfords were actually in love and shit. Still prayed before sex tho. That is troubling.
Hot(ish) Nick picks up Offred to bring her to the Mexican Ambassador, but first they engage in some very important this-shit-could-get-us-killed PDA.
Hot(ish) Nick: You look pretty.
Offred: I wear the same shit every day.
Offred is now being presented to the Mexican Ambassador, who is a woman in a giant yellow pantsuit. Freedom and feminism at its finest.
Seriously. If this outfit doesn’t scream “I’m allowed to do whatever the fuck I want” then I don’t know what does.
Mexican Ambassador: So, Offred, are you happy?
We now learn a couple important things about the world of Gilead (aka, us in 5 years). First, we learn that there is a famine in Mexico because of global warming. They don’t have oranges, but we do have oranges. Mr. Waterford is pretty shitty about it.
Mr. Waterford: I know you have rights but do you have…ORANGES?!?!
Then, the Mexican Ambassador drops a fucking bomb—Serena Joy once wrote a book about “domestic feminism” called A Woman’s Place and was arrested for inciting a riot.
SERENA JOY WE SEE YOU NOW OKURRRRR??????
Mexican Ambassador: When you wrote your book, did you ever imagine a society like this?
Serena Joy: A society that reduced carbon emissions by 70%?
Mexican Ambassador: No, a society in which women can no longer read your book.
Audience: OHHH SHIT WOOOOOORRRRLLLDDD STAAAARRRR
The Mexican Ambassador keeps asking all the women if they like living in Gilead and it’s like, hey lady why don’t you try asking them when all the men who own them aren’t around? Like maybe declare a girl’s trip to the bathroom and get the real shit? Just a thought.
Flashback to Serena Joy’s old life, when she was allowed to wear florals. She and Mr. Waterford plan a fun date to the movies (surprised they don’t have to pray before that too) and they’re about to start the movie when Mr. Waterford gets a crucial text (hate when that happens…)
Mr. Waterford: Remember that terrorist attack we planned? The one on The White House, Congress, and The Supreme Court? Well it’s happening.
Serena Joy: Praise Be
Um…okay so a few things here:
1. I knew Serena Joy was a bitch, but I didn’t know she was a blow-up-the-government-bitch. I thought she was just a like, be-nice-to-your-face-then-subtweet-you-from-the-bathroom type person. This is a new level.
2. Maybe Mr. Waterford is new to the whole terrorism thing, but this def seems like the type of conversation you would not want to be having via text. At least do Snapchat. That shit disappears.
3. Turn down your brightness, dude. You’re in a movie. Honestly this confirms everything I’ve ever thought about what type of person uses full brightness in a movie theater. Terrorists.
Cut back to Offred, who is in her room chilling when Hot(ish) Nick shows up. Mr. Waterford wants to see her. The two of them start making out in the hallway like this is the hallway before first period. Seriously, it’s like these two think they still live in the United States or something.
Just when you thought you’d forgotten that Mr. Waterford literally needs to play Scrabble to get hard, here are Offred and Mr. Waterford playing Scrabble again.
Offred is over it and not listening, which would be fine and normal behavior for someone playing Scrabble with a narc like Mr. Waterford if this wasn’t Gilead and she wasn’t his weird sex slave.
Mr. Waterford: Am I boring you?
Offred Internal Monologue: We’re on game 500 of Scrabble what the fuck do you think?
Mr. Waterford gets offended that Offred isn’t wet for Scrabble and tells her to leave. Then Offred remembers one crucial detail: Mr. Waterford is a fuckboy, and like all fuckboys, he’s a fucking idiot.
Offred: Can I stay here, pweeeeeeeeeaaaasssseeee *bats eyelashes*
Mr. Waterford: Yes. I am a weak and fragile male.
Then Mr. Waterford and Offred then start MAKING OUT, like she wasn’t just making out with Hot(ish) Nick like two seconds ago.
Offred—u officially nasty. Honestly, you gotta hand it to the girl for living in patriarchal dystopian sex slavery and still managing to be a player. Like, take notes. Ya girl has it going on.
Now it’s time for a big party planned by Literal Terrorist Serena Joy, and all the handmaids are lined up getting your typical pre-prom pep talk from Aunt Lydia. No alcohol. Leave room for Jesus. Don’t tell anyone you’ve been conscripted against your will into sexual servitude. That kind of thing.
Oserena Bin Joydin shows up to take one last look at the handmaids to make sure they’re all presentable. Obviously, there is one person who is not presentable at all.
SJ: Um yeah who is the freak with no eyeball?
Aunt Lydia: Oh, that’s Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine. She’s actually the only person who is excited to be here so it’d be pretty sad if you—
SJ: Get her out of my fucking sight.
Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine: But I want to go to the party!
Aunt Lydia: First of all, chill, it’s not really a party. Second of all, I’ll make sure you get ice cream.
Crazy-Ass One Eyeball Janine: Oh. We good.
Honestly, I wish I loved anything as much as Janine loves ice cream. It’d make my life much richer.
Anyway, the girls all go into the party, which looks like the lamest fucking party I’ve ever seen, probably because it was planned by Serena Joy, who, need I remind you, prays before sex.
Offred: Ugh I used to smoke weed in the woods with Moira. This party fucking sucks.
Flashback to Serena Joy’s old life, when she was allowed to wear impeccably tailored navy skirt suits. Serena is upset because now that they blew up the government and installed a religious patriarchy, nobody will talk to her.
Hmm…wonder why the fuck that is?
This is why you don’t make alliances with men, ladies. They will betray you and make you wear green-blue forever. So rude.
Cut back to the party, where Gilead is about to pull out the big guns aka the fact that their country has children in it. The Mexicans, who haven’t seen babies in a while, eat this shit up. Honestly, this infertility crisis must be pretty serious if a bunch of people are anything but totally horrified to have a bunch of 4- and 5-year-old children show up at their party and start running around. Like, nobody is getting lit around this:
Offred: Looks like Mr. Waterford is going to get his orange trade.
Random Handmaid Who Said “Small Dick, Big Mouth” Earlier: Offred you fucking dumbass they’re not trading oranges, they’re trading handmaids.
Yup. And that’s why you never trust a bitch in a giant yellow pantsuit. The Mexicans aren’t here for oranges. They’re here for handmaids so they can make them come to Mexico, and not in a cool spring break way; it’s in a continued-sex-slavery-but-now-in-a-place-where-you-don’t-speak-the-language-way. Very cool, Mexico.
Cut back to Mr. and Mrs. Waterford, who are pretty fucking stoked on how well the party went.
Mr. Waterford: You’re an amazing woman. I forgot.
Mrs. Waterford: You forgot about the time we literally planned the terrorist attack that created our current government situation? Rude.
Then they start hooking up. Honestly, everyone is hooking up this episode. For an oppressive theocracy, Gilead is horny as hell.
Speaking of horny, Offred is at Hot(ish) Nick’s loft apartment again, but she’s actually not horny at all. She’s the opposite of horny: upset about the role of women and her inability to take charge of her own biological destiny.
Offred: *finally describes what Mr. Waterford does to her as rape*
Hot(ish) Nick: So…are we hooking up tn or….?
The next day, Offred is getting ready to go on her daily walk with New Ofglen—who, need I remind you, said last episode she used to suck dick for meth—when she runs directly into the Mexican ambassador. The two of them are alone, which seems like a pretty huge oversight on the part of the Waterfords, but then again they’re Christian misogyny terrorist so who the fuck knows what they’re up to…
Mexican Ambassador: Hey Offred. So great to meet you. Do you want some chocolates?
Offred: I lied to you. This is a brutal place. We’re prisoners. If we run they try to kill us, or worse. They beat us. They use cattle prods to try to get us to behave. If we’re caught reading they cut off a finger. Second offense, the whole hand. They gauge out our eyes, maim us in worse ways than you could imagine. They rape me. Every month, whenever I might be fertile.
Mexican Ambassador: Um cool so about the choc—
Offred: I didn’t choose this. They caught me. I was trying to escape. They took my daughter. So don’t be sorry. Okay? Please don’t be sorry. Please do something.
Mexican Ambassador: Right so, there’s actually caramel chunks in here. Pretty good stuff if you’d just—
Offred: What are you gonna trade us for? We’re human beings. How can you do that? How?
Mexican Ambassador: PLEASE JUST TAKE THE CHOCOLATES MEXICO NEEDS BABIES!!!
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again—this is why you never trust a bitch in a poorly tailored yellow pantsuit. Any true feminist would have her pantsuit game on lock. The Mexican ambassador is a snake who talks a big feminist game when it’s convenient for her but ditches it when it’s not. She’s basically Taylor Swift. She clearly just snagged this pantsuit from a thrift store on her way across the border to lull the women into a false sense of security. We should have all known she was fake and phony as soon as we saw her enormous pirate collar.
But just when we think all hope is lost, the Mexican Ambassador’s friend (heretofore known as: bae), who has just been chilling in the background of every scene doing nothing, turns his feminism level up to 11.
Bae: Offred, I can help you.
Offred: Nobody can help me. I am a pris—
Bae: I can get a message to your hipster husband who you thought was dead.
Offred: Oh fuck yeah actually that would be huge, thank you.
Tl;dr: Serena Joy and Mr. Waterford are terrorists, Hot(ish) Nick has the good dick, The Mexican Ambassador is a snake, Offred’s husband is alive, and Rod Rosenstein appointed a special counsel to investigate Trump’s ties to Russia.
Pretty eventful week, if I do say so myself.