If you happened to tie the knot before or during the pandemic and have put the honeymoon on pause until flying feels safe again, sneaking in an end-of-summer or early fall escape is still plausible—and probably much-needed.
Enter the Hamptons: an easily-accessible destination if you happen to reside in the tri-state area—or even parts of New England—and don’t mind a drive or a scenic ferry route.
With an expansive backyard that checks all the vacation-worthy boxes (sun, surf, and sand), heading out east is always a good idea in our book. Responsible, socially distant practices and policies also make the Hamptons feel not only doable these days, but welcoming.
Below are our picks for where to stay, dine, and explore after your weekender bag is packed and you’re ready to go.
Where To Stay
Amangansett’s newest residence, The Roundtree, is beyond dreamy, and ideal for getting away in style. The 15-room, pet-friendly boutique hotel just opened last month, so you know it’s clean, disinfected on the regular, and COVID-compliant. There are even cell phone sanitizing stations in your personal quarters. Now, how’s that for safety precautions?
You can choose between deluxe rooms, suites, and cottages in centuries-old refurbished digs that all come with Frette linens, Matouk towels, and Grown Alchemist bath products. The Roundtree is basically our #1 pick for romance, intimacy, and luxury, all wrapped up in one. And when you book four or more nights, they’ll set you up with a chef for a fall harvest dinner experience for two on the property.
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“A stay at The Roundtree means you’ll get to know your neighbors, since there’s so few of you. Perhaps you’re just drinking rose, or, since The Roundtree allows pets, your dog will inevitably run up to greet another on its rolling green grounds. Then you’ll start chatting (six feet apart, of course), and soon enough, you’re waving to them at breakfast or giving them a nod as you both dive into yet another Zoom call. Everything is so laid back, so friendly, that it adds to the atmosphere.” – @ejtay @voguemagazine Consider one of our stand-alone cottages or rooms for weekly and monthly rentals this fall for a socially distanced #workfromvacation experience #theroundtreeamagansett #theroundtreehotel #theroundtree
Smack dab in the middle of Montauk is the notoriously laid-back “End of the World” Surf Lodge. Kitschy balcony hammocks and a fleet of loaner bikes are part of the perks when it comes to staying here, as is close proximity to the beach—making it a coveted hangout for eating, sleeping, surfing, and repeating. Standard rooms (plus junior and master suites) are boho, yet minimalistic. Their famous outdoor concert series is on pause given the pandemic, but the restaurant remains open with six-feet-apart al fresco seating.
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aaaand we’re back! Starting today we’re officially open to hotel guests (only!)—with a new set of safety protocols in place. In the face of all this uncertainty we hope to bring you some sense of comfort and familiarity, and create the escape we all need right now. Rooms are still available for the July 4th weekend and we have take-away dining starting Friday for our neighbors, so let’s finally get this summer started! … Protocols include: -Employees wear masks at all times -Employees are tested weekly -Contactless sanitizing stations -Both in-house cleaning and professional commercial cleaning -Encouraging staff to social-distance outside of work -Immediate response and transparency to a positive test
One of the sweetest stays in the Hamptons can be found at Baron’s Cove in the quaint whaling village of Sag Harbor. Ideal for a lover’s retreat, the year-round sophisticated refuge boasts 67 rooms, many with gated terraces tailored to sitting outside for sunset cocktails. Its upstairs restaurant is perfect for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. The spacious pool and surrounding gardens serve as the perfect adult playground, so it’s no wonder Billy Joel, Truman Capote, and Jackson Pollock have all checked in over the years. Pro tip: book in the fall and winter to save on rates.
Where To Eat
If you happen to be near Bridgehampton, our go-to romantic dinner for two is always at the Topping Rose House. The uber-chic Jean-Georges restaurant is a must for celebs, socialites, and diners who want a meal in a swanky setting. It’s also one of the few premiere spots that’s open year-round for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and cocktails. As far as the menu goes, the black truffle and Fontina cheese pizza is a must, as are the roasted Maine lobster, seared black sea bass, and crispy salmon sushi.
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Dinner plans anyone? #toppingrosehouse #jeangeorges #longislandrestaurants #hamptonstyle
Down the road in Bridgehampton is the quaint Bridgehampton Inn & Restaurant, with an idyllic backyard and locally sourced menu that changes from season to season. On Fridays, there’s live music, and Kyle, their esteemed wizard behind the bar, will be more than eager to whip up a bespoke aperitif of your choosing. The family-run establishment also owns the Loaves & Fishes Food Store next door, so be sure to stop in for newlywed must-haves for the home—or to update your registry.
More staples in Montauk include roadside seafood shack The Clam Bar for lobster rolls and fried whole belly clams, plus a smorgasbord of other seafood favorites under a cascade of yellow umbrellas. It’s only open for lunch, and highly addictive after you go the first time.
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Perfect Clam Bar weekend. This beautiful 📸 by @newyorkfoodbabes #lobsterroll #joinusforbreakfast #theclambar
Navy Beach is another spot for good vibes and good times, with picnic tables nestled in the sand and a stay-all-day mentality that makes it hard to leave—and harder to not order more wine. (They have one of the largest selections of rosé in the Hamptons.) Food highlights include the buttermilk fried chicken, jumbo lump crab cake and, obviously, the navy burger. Their sunset views are legendary, and their 200-foot private beach is prime real estate for honeymoon happenings (aka Instagrams).
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Stay Safe! Wear your masks, wash your hands, and socially distance! And while your at it, take in the view 😍
Get a taste of Manhattan in Montauk at Scarpetta at Gurney’s Montauk Hotel & Spa, which is not only on the beach, but set under a cascade of twinkling lights for the ultimate ambiance. You’ll undoubtedly order the classic Italian pastas for the table, but don’t overlook the fresh crudi, the black cod, or the Wagyu strip. Then there’s Showfish at Gurney’s Star Island, with an ingredient-driven menu of veggie-forward dishes as well as crazy good land and sea options.
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Scarpetta Newport will be reopening tonight and tomorrow from 5:30pm – 10:00pm for both outdoor and limited indoor seating, ordering for takeout and in-room dining for guests of the resort. This service will resume again on Thursday, June 11th – Sunday, June 14th. Scarpetta @gurneysnewport will continue to evaluate the situation and focus on long-term planning for its reopening. Wishing our Newport employees, guests and community a safe and strong reopening 🤎
Duryea’s may sound like a laid-back lobster deck with a view, but it’s more like St. Barths or St. Tropez when you arrive to the chic AF destination. Here, the rosé is always flowing, and the plateau de fruits de mer are on point. They’re renowned for their lobster Cobb salad and crudité platters, but it’s the cushy banquettes, overhead fishnet canopy, and effortlessly cool attitude that makes us fall in love with this Montauk mainstay again and again.
If you’ve never been to Tutto il Giorno, make a reservation now. So f*cking pretty, it’s exactly where you want to toast to your nuptials over shared plates of Mediterranean fare. Designed (and owned) by Donna Karan and her daughter, Gabby Karan De Felice, it’s the epitome of backyard garden goals. And they have outposts in both Sag Harbor and Southampton, so you’ll have ample opportunities to visit, depending on where you’re staying.
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The family table. Tutto Sag Harbor. Tutto il Giorno. Tutto family. @urbanzen #uzxtutto
Main Street Tavern is a new spot that just opened this summer, from the team behind Highway Restaurant & Bar in East Hampton. Already gaining a considerable amount of buzz, MST is the tasty newbie on the block with delicious food and charm to boot. They’re currently only offering dinner through takeout or in their outdoor socially distanced beer garden, but definitely order the crispy shrimp, fish and chips, and baked clams.
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Cooking up a very tasty opening… Join us THIS Thursday at 5pm! #mainstreettavern
Other strong contenders for breakfast, lunch, and dinner include: Cowfish (Hampton Bays), Nick & Toni’s (East Hampton), Coche Comedor (by the team behind Nick & Toni’s, La Fondita, and Towline BBQ), The Backyard at Sole East (Montauk), Wölffer Kitchen (Amagansett), Le Bilboquet (Sag Harbor), Greek gem Elaia Estiatorio (Bridgehampton), and il Buco at Mostrador Marram.
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Breakfast is served. @chefjsmillie @marrammontauk 📷: @giadapaoloni
What To Do (Socially Distanced)
Yes, the beaches are open—as are almost all restaurants and shops in the various towns—but, obviously, wear your mask and lay your towel, chair, etc. away from others to do your part. For more information on beach permits and parking, check out this handy guide.
Spinning to the beat may be paused at most indoor studios around the world still, but, naturally, the Hamptons takes it outdoors. Grab a bike for SoulOutside at any of the the Southampton, Bridgehampton, Water Mill, and Montauk locations, but be sure to book early.
Wölffer Estate Drive-Thru
Chances are you’ve seen the socially distant drive-through rosé cart on the ‘gram, because it’s pretty much the cutest thing ever. Pull up, select your pink or bubbly of choice (along with whites, reds, and ciders), then be on your way, contact-free. Should you desire more of a vineyard-type experience, the Estate and Wine Stand are currently offering tasting reservations (with food) six feet apart.
The drive-thru can be found at the Wölffer Estate Wine Stand in Sagaponack, New York. It’s open daily from 11am to 7pm.
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Happy Friday! Need a restock on your favorite Wölffer products for your virtual happy hour? Our drive-thru is open 11am-6pm daily 💕 . . . . . . #wolfferestatevineyard #wolffer #wolfferestatewine #wine #spirits #cider #eastend #hamptons #amagansett #sagharbor #montauk #nyc #localeats #localbusiness #familybusiness #sustainable #sustainablefarming #sustainability #estatewines #localwines #roselocal #rosé #drivethru
Bike Around Town
Most hotels provide complimentary wheels to scoot around the Hamptons in the summer, and you can be as spread out as you want when riding. Should you be in a house or Airbnb, here are a few more places to rent from:
- Khanh Sports
- Amagansett Beach & Bicycle
- Dan’s Bike Rental
- Sag Harbor Cycle Company
- Rotations Bicycle Center
Plan A Clambake On The Beach
Hampton Clambake will bring the beach party to you, with a fully organized and delicious clambake on the South and North forks.
Take Advantage of NYC-Turned-Hamptons Pop-Up Restaurants
This summer, New York City notables such as Marea, Carbone, Kissaki and the aforementioned il Buco have traveled out East to bring the people what they want: platters of spicy rigatoni to go. Some of these pop-ups come with a hefty price tag (like Marea’s dinner for four for $450), but you get to enjoy a Michelin-starred meal in the comfort of your own home. Plus, it’s a serious spread. Think: marinated olives, lobster and burrata, panzanella salad, steak with salsa verde, summer squash, sautéed greens, seasonal pie, and a bottle of Hampton Water Rosé.
Image: Hamish Duncan / Unsplash; theroundtreeamagansett, thesurflodge, baronscove, toppingrosehouse, bridgehamptoninnandrestaurant, theclambar, navybeachmontauk, scarpettarestaurants, duryeaslobsterdeck, tuttoilgiorno, themainstreettavern, monstradormarram, wolfferwine, mareanyc / Instagram
Planning sucks, and bachelorette parties are a ton of work. So we’re taking all the guesswork out of planning a bachelorette party by breaking down top bachelorette destinations. Our guides will tell you where to stay, eat, party, how to get around, and give you a sample itinerary that you can follow. You’re welcome.
If you’ve ever seen an episode of Summer House, you understand why everyone’s so obsessed with the Hamptons. And even if you haven’t, we’re here to tell you why a Hamptons-style bachelorette is the best idea ever. Long considered to be a bougie playground for Manhattan’s elite, it’s now more accessible to everyone with the same goal in mind these days: getting drunk and having fun. Plus there are clambakes, pool parties, dance-all-night-with-your-feet-in-the-sand ragers, postcard-worthy beaches, cute AF towns, and a million places to wine and dine during your
debaucherous celebratory pre-nuptials bash. Honestly, I’d rather be there right now than writing this article, that’s how awesome the Hamptons is. But for first timers, it can be a bit overwhelming considering there are all these different “hamlets,” also known as small villages. Southampton, East Hampton, Bridgehampton, Montauk…if you’re all WTF, have no fear. We’re breaking down everywhere worth visiting in this official Betches’ Bachelorette Guide to the Hamptons.
How To Get There
The Hamptons is never easy to get to per se—unless you’ve got extra cash laying around to hop on a private heli Blade. After that, the next best thing is a car. Comfort, your own tunes, maybe a stocked cooler in the glove compartment (JK we don’t condone that), but the arduous trek to the Hamptons is just less painful in a car. If wheels aren’t plausible—or no one wants to be the DD #fair—then from NYC your options are: the Jitney (there’s free WiFi! and snacks! and hottie businessmen in whimsical loafers!) or the LIRR. The downside to the Jitney can be traffic, especially if you leave late on a summer Friday. Play that one smart and depart during the day/as early as it starts running. The downside to the train is it can be crowded AF (see the above timing explanation), and I once stood the entire way. Not fun. If you do train, you can reach Westhampton (the first stop) in two hours, but Montauk (the end of the line) will run you three, so pack extra booze and pray your car has a bathroom that’s semi-functioning. The Jitney can be two to five hours depending on traffic, and where you’re going, but unlike the LIRR (which only departs from Penn station in Manhattan), there are 18 pickup stops in Manhattan and two airport connections. As for prices, they’re pretty cheap (around $25-35 for the Jitney and $20-30 for the LIRR), so unless you’re coming from out of town and have to buy a plane ticket (sucks for you), this will be the cheapest expense of your trip.
How To Get Around
Uber, and you damn well better put aside a substantial chunk of change for them. Fact: Uber is a rip-off in the Hamptons. They issue a a base fare, then a per minute fare, then a per mile fare, and don’t even think about canceling when you’re wasted and about to fall over in heels trying to find your car, because there are steep fees for that. Our advice? Try to eat, drink, and party in whichever town you’re staying in, and if you’re going to hop around, plan your day in that area. Lastly, look for local car services that offer discounts for larger groups, as well as affordable bachelorette party limos.
Where To Stay
Some of the best deals for bach parties (house wise) can be found on Airbnb because you’ll have a whole house to yourself, you can blast your music as loud as you want (until the cops show up), and it’s honestly just cheaper. But having to moonlight as the front desk, concierge, housekeeping, in-room dining, and bell hop when you’re supposed to be playing pin-the-D-on-things and slamming tequila shots sorta sucks. When you need someone to take care of all the details for you, check out these hotels.
The Surf Lodge: Montauk is arguably where most of the action is in the Hamptons these days, at least for betches on the hunt for pool parties, beach clubs, live music, good food, and booze. The Surf Lodge has it all, but more importantly they exude a laidback, IDGAF mentality that makes people want to check in here and never leave. Think of it as Hawaii, but closer. The rooms and suites are fitted with surfer-themed art, sun-bleached floors, shady hammocks, and private balconies, and the communal areas have all these cool beachy knick-knacks you’ll want to steal, but shouldn’t. There’s also free bike rental, a deck made for imbibing after you rolled up from a swim, and a damn fine restaurant that will be your bach HQ during your stay. Three words: mini lobster rolls.
What made The Surf Lodge famous in the first place was their music program, and you’ll be happy to know that hasn’t slowed down at all. You’ll find concerts going strong every Saturday and Sunday, featuring top-notch talent like John Legend, Lupe Fiasco, St. Lucia, and Lykke Li. And correct us if we’re wrong, but we’re pretty sure there’s no better way to stumble home from a concert inebriated than across the sand to your bedroom door. Add THAT to the list of positives when you book these accommodations for the weekend.
Quogue Club at Hallock House: With only 14 guest rooms (including two cottages), this historic inn feels intimate, classy, and a little less annoying than Montauk. If you’re going the laidback bach route, TQC makes total sense, It’s also a no-brainer if you want to stay closer to Southampton (only 10 miles away), waste less money on lodging (you can find crazy rates here, especially in shoulder seasons), and can’t deal with spending your entire weekend in a car driving to and from The End—that’s local lingo for Montauk. The main foyer is also prime for staging “you can’t sit with us” pics of the bride and her squad…take notice.
And if you’re thinking “why Quogue”, well, this hamlet might not get as much love as the others, but with a close proximity to less-crowded beaches, shopping, restaurants and the North Fork wineries where you’re going to
get classy wine drunk have a memorable time with your crew, what more do you really need? Plus, they have a sizable bar and porch made for pregaming (and making new friends) and The Club, their onsite restaurant, is the ideal setting for dinner before you head out for the night.
Gurney’s: What can we say about Gurney’s? If you’re trying to bougie it up on the bach, Gurney’s Montauk Resort & Seawater Spa is where you check in. Sure the prices are steep—kiss your savings adios—but isn’t a slightly blurry Insta at the end of the dock with your baes worthy it? Their more chill sister property, Star Island Resort & Marina, is another option, which includes a new dock-to-dish seasonally focused seafood restaurant, Showfish, and the largest marina in the Hamptons.
The four newly reimagined Beach Cottages at the Montauk Resort can sleep four to eight, feature a private decks overlooking the ocean with epic views, and some have a kitchenette or fireplace. Talk about bach goals. Just try not to pass out on the terrace, k? The beds are much more comfortable. And when you peel yourself out of said bed, you can saunter down to the hottest beach club in Montauk, on their own white sand beach, no less. That’s where the beats are spinning and the bottle service is flowing.
Where To Eat
Calissa: Some Hamptons mainstays will lock the doors when they see a flock of bachelorettes coming—don’t even think about pulling your party bus up to Wölffer Kitchen, for that matter—but Water Mill-based Calissa holds them wide open. In fact, they even offer packages and dinner specials specifically for bachelorette parties. Start with a Prosecco toast for the bride-to-be, followed by unlimited rosé, and a four-course dinner, which includes specialties like Greek mezze platters, chicken souvlaki, and fresh Montauk fish. If you’re still standing after that, round out the night with after-dinner drinks and bottle service in the lounge. Every summer Saturday is Greek Riviera night featuring DJ JStef, so get ready to take all the ouzo shots and dance like you’re living your best Hamptons life.
Silver Lining Diner: What better way to start another day in paradise than at the diner? Silver Lining isn’t your average greasy spoon, either. What used to be the Princess Diner in Southampton (that dates back to 1957), is now a full-fledged gastronomic operation helmed by chef Eric Miller. Think homemade jam and freshly baked bread, a serious Bloody Mary you’re going to be needing several of, mouthwatering eggies (their version of souped-up breakfast sandwiches), Benedicts with crispy crab cakes and smoked salmon, omelets, and an upside-down German pancake with apples and cinnamon that will blow your mind. Old-school diner sundaes are an obvious way to end this (well worth it) food coma experience.
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So the good news is, today we tasted the whole menu and it’s AMAZING!! The bad news is the POS system isn’t running and we are unlikely to make a Friday opening. Sorry!!! We are not going to make another prediction till we are totally sure we will hit it!!! #dinerstories #silverliningdiner #hamptons #southampton #yummy #nomnom
Highway Restaurant & Bar: File this one under classy dinner with the girls. Situated on Montauk Highway in East Hampton, the decor is coastal chic and the seasonally-driven cuisine is just as smart—and delish—as their buzzed-about rep suggests. Live your best life over flutes of champagne and sautéed langoustines, or try one of their globally-influenced dishes like papaya and crab salad (with peanuts, lemongrass, and fresno chili) and pan-roasted salmon with tabbouleh and harissa. Japanese hot spot Shuko also has a pop-up on the premises (Shuko Beach), should you want to be return visitors. That is, if your group behaves well enough the first time.
Tutto il Giorno: With outposts in Sag Harbor and Southhampton, you have two good reasons to visit Tutto, which is Italian for seriously insane food. Okayyyy, it’s not, but it should be. Donna Karan’s daughter owns it, so you know it’s going to be major. The garden is downright dreamy, so wear something cute and try not to stain it when licking your plate clean of Sardinian flat bread, linguine alle vongole, and eggplant parm that tastes just like nonna’s.
Morty’s Oyster Stand: Obviously, any place that has “Morty’s” and “Oyster Stand” in the name is our jam for a low-key lunch or happy hour. Couple that with the fact that there’s some big name talent behind these humble digs, and you have yourself a winner. Hospitality vet Charles Seich of Ferris in NYC and notable chef Sam Talbot took over the former Cyril’s space in Amagansett, and now they’re churning out a menu of sustainably sourced seafood, local produce, and artisanal cocktails. When you’re hungover AF, doesn’t “the best fried chicken” with spicy honey and skinny french fries sound like an instant remedy? Wash that down with Cyril’s famous BBC (Bailey’s Banana Colada) or a Sabrosa (Ilegal Mezcal, watermelon, lime, and cayenne dust) and get back in the saddle—you’ve got moves to make.
Bridgehampton Inn & Restaurant: The legendary Bridgehampton Restaurant is set in a quaint inn dating back to 1795, so you should expect Old Euro charm (think country-style furnishings and multiple fireplaces), along with dinner goals courtesy of new chef Brian Szostak. Begin with drinks at Kyle’s Bar, then head to your table for a spread worthy of a GNO. And if you’re a bach party on a budget, you’re in luck. They have a reasonable prix fixe menu starring some of their greatest hits, although the à la carte items are where it’s at. Crawfish and corn fritters with mango aioli, spiced goat cheese dip with warm chips, and grilled shrimp and scallops with succotash are not to be missed. P.S. group pics in front of the iconic orange door are a given.
Blu Mar: Issa vibe on the patio at this hot spot for brunch and dinner. Surrounded by pop art and those famous Hamptons hydrangeas, you’ll have no trouble settling into the Mediterranean mentality, while pregaming your nuptials over plates of grilled octopus, fluke crudo, smoked salmon rillettes, and wild loup de mer. The club AM Southampton also happens to be right next door, so you won’t have to travel far to keep the night going.
Nick & Toni’s: Many restaurants come and go out East, but Nick & Toni’s has remained one of the hardest tables to get, since 1988. That’s probably because you’re vying for seating alongside celebs like SJP, Gwyneth Paltrow, Brad Pitt, and Rolling Stones God, Mick Jagger. Aside from the VIP vibes, you do it for the ‘gram—and the pasta. Florentine specialty penne alla vecchia bettola, gnocchi with lobster and Calabrian chili, and orecchiette in a broccoli rabe pesto made from garden-fresh veggies grown out back will make your stomach happy—and your seams a little tight, so see below for the workouts you can squeeze in the next day.
Where to Practice Self-Care
Because God knows you’re going to need some throughout this weekend.
Paddle Diva: The Hamptons may be a biking community, but when you’re hungover, falling off a paddleboard into the water is a lot less scary than cracking your head on the cement—or worse, bruising a knee before you bust out that mini skirt later. Paddle Diva has super friendly pros and the paddles can be as advanced or beginner as you want them to be. Plus, it’s a killer workout. Some instructors even bring their dogs out on the water and for that, we’re forever grateful. They’re also nice to bachelorette parties, so we love them. See evidence of that in their package deets.
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Summer is HERE….. and I am just about this happy! The sun is out, my team is on the water, and I am so excited to kick into gear. #enjoytheride Photo by @michaelwilliamsphoto . . . . . . . . #paddlediva #paddlehamptons #paddle #laugheveryday #smileeveryhour #paddleboard #sup #summer
Gurney’s: Both the Montauk and Star Island locations offer exclusive wellness and lifestyle programming all summer long, including classes from these top studios from around the country: Rumble, FlyBarre, CorepowerYoga, OBE Fitness, Y7, Dogpound, the ness, Shadowbox, 305 Fitness and more. Best of luck surviving half of those, however.
Concierge Movement: There’s nothing like a lazy girl workout to sweat out last night’s booze and detox to retox. Enter Concierge Movement, the pilates-meets-yoga studio that literally comes to your door (hotel, glamping grounds, Airbnb, you name it). You can even show up in your jammies if you so desire, and for those of you who are really on the struggle bus, they offer minimal-movement-required stretch sessions. ?
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Pilates. We Make it Simple. We Come to You. No Excuses. https://conciergepilates.com #conciergepilates #pilates #pilatesnyc #pilatesmat #pilateslovers #launchnyc #nyctourism #nycoffice #nychome #nycapartments #pilatescomingsoon #newservice #nycservice #conciergeservices #concierge #doglife #getyourpilateson
Where To Party
The Surf Lodge: We already waxed poetic about them before, but see the below photo for a visual reference. Show up,
black jam out, take all the photos, and do it all over again the next day. Other bars that are must-visits in the Montauk area would be: The Gig Shack, Navy Beach, The Sloppy Tuna, The Crow’s Nest, Duryea’s, and Ruschmeyer’s.
Southhampton Social Club: Bringing it full circle—as in all the way back to that Summer House intro—the cast goes here. A lot. As the swankiest fine dining supper club in Southampton, it solves that whole issue of getting around because you can do drinks, dinner, dancing, and more drinks here. There’s also a classic beer garden out back and a $39 three-course prix fixe dinner on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. You’ll most likely bump into celebs, socialites, reality stars, and wannabe influencers in the bathroom, so make sure your phone is charged for pics.
The Stephen Talkhouse: You can’t really do the Hamptons justice without paying your respects to Amagansett anchor, Talkhouse. It just wouldn’t be right. Probably the most well-known spot for live music on the island (and for having beyond famous bands take the stage at random like Coldplay), it’s basically a right of passage for Out East newbies.
Your House: Yes, you read that correctly, party all day or night from your over-the-top rental house with DJ Chef, a nationally recognized culinary entertainer who takes the fun of cooking to a whole new level. He is the only entertainer who simultaneously cooks & DJs for events worldwide, giving you an excuse to trade in crowded bars for an at-home party. Whether you’re looking for entertainment during a pool party, a pregame, or as the main event of the night, he’s got you covered.
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Boardy Barn: This is like a backyard version of Coyote Ugly in Hampton Bays, only under a beer-soaked tent. If you’re trying to #SundayFunday like you’re still in college, go here, but also be prepared for long lines, personal space invaders, and to leave without your dignity—or panties?
Hampton Bays/Southampton Itinerary:
Pro Tip: To really take advantage of a Hamptons bender weekend, get your travel out of the way. Thursday night is a good time to make the trip—if your lodging is set up for that night. Otherwise, get on the earliest Jitney (book your tickets ahead of time) or train Friday am.
- Drop your bags and head to brunch at Silver Lining Diner, as it will be too early to fully check in. Chug a few mimosas or bloodies, grab your suit, then hit the beach.
- Obviously you packed a cooler for #roséallday, so plow through that and when empty, head to lunch at Cowfish or Rumba for fish tacos and Caribbean vibes.
- Test your drunken paddle skills on the water, or go shopping in downtown Southampton. Purchases made with a buzz are always the smart ones.
- Head back to home base to shower, change, pregame, take more shots, etc.
- Make your way to dinner at Tutto il Giorno—say hi to Donna for us.
- Hit the Beach Bar in Hampton Bays armed with your bach checklist in hand. Dance until your feet hurt, then try to find your way home at 4am.
- Head to party brunch at 75 Main. This all day/all night spot holds center court in Southampton and is always prime turf for tipsy shenanigans with the girls.
- Beach it up in the afternoon or go wine tasting. The top spots for vino-centric behavior would be Duck Walk and Channing Daughters.
- By all means, squeeze in a nap so you make it out later.
- Pregame at your house with DJ Chef
- Do dinner at Edgewater, The Club at Hallock House, Union Cantina, or Blu Mar.
- End the night at Southampton Social Club or AM Southampton.
- Sunday Funday at Boardy Barn.
- Go home to pass out, then get your ass home.
Pro Tip: Slow and steady wins the race Out East, so schedule plenty of nap time in between day drinking your face off during beach marathons, or you’ll never make it out at night.
- Roll deep into the hotel, claim your bed, slam a few rounds at the hotel bar, make your way to the beach.
- Lunch at Morty’s, Clam Bar, or Duryea’s, settle in at Hero Beach Club or Gurney’s Beach Club for the afternoon shift.
- Go home and try to avoid crawling into bed all sandy, but napping is priority.
- Head to Highway Restaurant & Bar, Scarpetta Beach, or Showfish for dinner.
- Check out Talkhouse or Surf Lodge for live music and more drinking after.
- Brunch at Arbor’s then beach, or beach first, then lunch at Navy Beach.
- Do one sightseeing thing (it won’t kill you) and swing by Montauk Lighthouse for a group pic in front of this historic landmark.
- Plan a summer camp for quasi adults night at Ruschmeyers, where you can have dinner, then play games in the grass.
- Go hard your last night at Surf Lodge, The Sloppy Tuna, Liar’s Saloon, or Memory Motel.
- Sunday Funday wherever the bride desires then call it a wrap on the bach-tivities.
- ✌️ Montauk!
Images: thesurflodge (3), quogueclub (2), gurneysresorts (2), silverliningdiner, highwayhamptons, bridgehamptoninnandrestaurant, blumarhamptons, nickandtonis, paddlediva, concierge_movement, talkhousehamptons, boardybarn / Instagram
In the era of Instagram, people have gotten more and more extra about their wedding events, because everything has to be a competition. Most people flood your feed for months with a proposal, a bachelorette party, a bridal shower, and an entire week of wedding festivities—but what if you did it all at once? That’s what is probably happening right now with influencer (and Goop employee) Marissa Casey Fuchs, who has one hell of an Instagram story right now.
On Tuesday morning, Marissa’s friends played her a prerecorded video from her boyfriend Gabe, talking about how they’ve always known they don’t want a traditional engagement or wedding, that he posted on his own Instagram story. The video is sweet (maybe a little mushy for my icy cold heart, but whatever), and Marissa was losing her sh*t the whole time. From there, her friends took her on a scavenger hunt that has so far lasted over 24 hours.
The first stop on the mystery tour was Flywheel, where Marissa seemed wayyy too excited to take a cycling class. If I thought I was about to get engaged/married, the last thing I would want to do is sweat profusely for an hour, but to each their own. From there, they headed to the AIRE Ancient Baths for massages, and then back to her apartment, where she got her hair and makeup done by Glamsquad and was told to pack a bag.
This combination of frantic running + the bloodcurdling scream at Flywheel are all I’ve thought about in the last day.
The original plan was for Marissa & Co. to take a helicopter to the Hamptons (lol casual), but there was bad weather, so instead they had to take an Uber to Gurney’s, in Montauk. Really slumming it! In case you’re wondering, an Uber from Manhattan to Montauk is approximately $300, so no, it’s not a viable transportation option for most people. While in the car, Marissa clarified that the two women with her on this whole journey are actually her long-time friends, not interns, as some people were guessing.
They got to Gurney’s on Tuesday evening, and Marissa was still totally clueless about what was going on. During this entire fiasco, Gabe has been dropping hints via his Instagram story, but has still yet to appear. People have even started posting with the hashtag #WhereIsGabe, and we all really need to know. Honestly, if I was Marissa, I would be pretty pissed if my man was nowhere to be found during all of this, but clearly she’s down to go with the flow.
This whole journey is beyond extra, and it’s definitely not over. As of Wednesday morning, Marissa was checking out of Gurney’s, and it looks like she’s heading to Hewlett High School on Long Island, where she and Gabe first met. She only found two of the three jewels while she was in the Hamptons, and it looks like the third one is in Hewlett. I have a feeling Gabe might finally make an appearance there too, perhaps with an engagement ring.
Meanwhile, people have been obsessing over following along with her scavenger hunt, and she’s gained over 25,000 followers on Instagram in the last day. I guess all I need to do to get Instagram famous is find a man to plan a viral engagement/wedding scavenger hunt for me—sounds easy enough!
6/19 UPDATE: So the high school thing was a total fake-out, and instead Marissa’s car took her to JFK. She’s currently on a flight to Miami, but she doesn’t know who will meet her there. So far, Gabe still hasn’t made an appearance, and I would be getting pretty impatient if I was Marissa.
6/20 UPDATE: Marissa woke up in Miami after a night of celebrating with her University of Florida friends at Prime 112. Gabe decided to f*ck with his future fiancée’s fragile state even more by posting a video on his IG story for her to open the door of the dining room for his arrival. Spoiler alert: he never arrived and she was not thrilled, but semi-expected he wouldn’t be there. She spent Thursday morning frantically shopping at Zara, The Webster, and Neiman Marcus because she “has no more clothes left” before she jet sets off to Paris (a problem I often have). Not to take the words out of everyone who is watching her stories’ mouth but, WHERE THE F*CK IS GABE??? I’m low-key pissed for her that she’s about to fly cross-country solo. Hopefully someone surprises her and at least escorts her to Paris. She still hasn’t found a good dress to wear for whatever this stunt will culminate in, and her flight is tonight. Drama!!
6/21 UPDATE: Marissa finally settles on a dress from The Webster. After her shopping stunt she just collapses onto the hotel lobby floor because she is super overwhelmed from “the press and so much going on”. Passerby’s don’t seem to think it’s weird that she is sitting on the floor being video taped but that is neither here nor there. We then find Marissa on the beach with her Kim K crying face on because she called her mom and she heard the “European beeping noise” in the background…Ok. To me sirens are sirens but alas the waterworks continue. Marissa takes control of her phone to let her audience know that she is “really, really, eternally grateful for everything Gabe and her friends have done”. I’m glad she reminded us because the shopping and ripping through gifts had us worried for a sec. She confesses that her dream was to run away to the Maldives (casual) with Gabe and just get married. Finally, Marissa is headed to Paris where she seems to be traveling SOLO, which to me is pretty emotionally taxing and just slightly f*cked up. She gets to her hotel room expecting to see her mom, her brothers, or Gabe’s mom in the room but no one is there except for a man name Charles who has been sent to do her hair and makeup. She has a brief moment where she thinks she is going to leave her phone in the hotel room so she can be “present” in the moment. But that is a short lived feat since she realizes she has to go on a 30-40 minute car ride so she def needs her phone, which is good for us so we can continue to update all y’all. Will this end in a proposal? A marriage? Will she find Gabe? Stay tuned…
We know The Atlantic published a piece exposing the fact that a deck about Marissa’s proposal was passed around to brands months before the actual proposal but was Marissa actually involved? Based on her reactions we are going to go with a ‘NO’. I mean, who wants to cry like that on camera? Certainly not us. Marissa works at goop, so it’s not outlandish to think her co-workers created this to help her future fiancé. Regardless, we are still following along for the ride, as you can see below:
View this post on Instagram
Earlier this week, @fashionambitionist was sent on a viral proposal journey starting in NY and ending in Paris with a pit spot in Miami by her longtime boyfriend @gabriel.grossman. Since then, a deck has been leaked about the entire process and people are accusing Marissa of being in on it. While speculation has been abundant, no one knows the truth and she claims she had no idea. I mean, look at those tears!!!! Who could fake that? (And why would you even want to???) Alas, we are here for the journey so head to our story and link in bio to keep up to date on what has got to be the most over the top proposal we’ve ever seen https://betches.co/2IwAjon #RielLove
But I digress because Gabe just went live to cover the entire proposal where Marissa can barely stand up on her own. Faking? Does not appear likely but who really knows? Gabe also just shot up a casual 3,000 Instagram followers from this stunt…just saying. Once the couple (really just Marissa) is finally able to collect herself, Gabe turns her around to show that their families are waiting for them. She lets out a screech heard around the world and unites with their families. On the way to meet them, Gabe drops a line about a wedding taking place later on today.
It is now 11:58am NY time and we’re watching the wedding festivities unfold thanks to Marissa’s two brother’s Instagram stories. I don’t know where Marissa pulled out this long sleeve cropped top + bridal skirt from but we are here for it.
Make sure to follow along with our streamlined coverage on @betchesbrides. Marissa’s story is a lot to watch right now, but we’re posting all the most important updates, along with some of our own thoughts from Betches HQ.
Images: fashionambitionist (4) / Instagram
RHONY veteran, businesswoman, and philanthropist Jill Zarin’s fifth annual Luxury Luncheon to benefit the International Thyroid Oncology Group (ITOG) was held in the Hamptons last weekend, attended by an impressive crew of Real Housewives from all over the nation including LuAnn D’Agostino, Ramona Singer, Tinsley Mortimer, Cindy Barshop, Gizelle Bryant, Marysol Patton, Kelly Bensimon, and many more. Plenty of other celebs, personalities, socialites, and influencers like Dina Lohan, Heather McDonald, Vinny Ventiera (Bachelor/BiP), and obviously the Betches themselves gathered at Zarin’s gorgeous AF Southampton estate to enjoy gourmet small plates by celebrity chef Roblé Ali and amaze craft cocktails alongside the insane Hamptons waterside view.
Though we def think hanging out in the Hamptons with the Housewives is a gift in and of itself, Jill Zarin and event producers Ticket2Events put together a super fetch gift basket for all guests in attendance which included a ton of beauty products from lashes to face masks to hair tools, as well as our very own hilarious book, I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies: How to Find Love & Shit Like That.
We def recommend picking up your own copy here, and if you don’t want to…
Many attendees donated to the cause, ITOG, which is close to Zarin’s own heart, as her husband Bobby is currently undergoing a difficult battle with advanced thyroid cancer. A big thank you to Jill and everyone involved in making this amazing event possible.
We’re officially half-way through summer and if you haven’t taken at least one vacation by now, who even are you? Let’s just talk about how we have, like, 14 weeks until there’s fucking snow on the ground again, so you best be making the most out of your insta-while-wearing-a-bikini opportunities. That being said, if you’re planning a trip or just want to know what your vacation choices say about your personality, this gem is for you.
First of all, ew. Did you get brainwashed by your granola boyfriend into thinking camping was a good idea? Vacations are for relaxing and also having wifi/cell phone service. You’re really cutting into Snapchat opportunities to brag about your trip if you don’t have reception. TBH, if you chose to use your vacation days to rough it and get closer to nature, we can already tell a few things about you: 1) you have pictures on instagram being topless in nature, probably showing the Grand Tetons your little Tetons (they’re not impressed, btw.) 2) You pretend you’re not judgmental, but you really judge everyone who doesn’t have wet dreams about hidden mountain hot springs. 3) Your water bottle is attached to a carabiner. Is that spot on or is that spot on?
A Public Beach
You’re basic and you dgaf about it. I mean, certain things are popular for a reason. You’re not too proud to rough it with the rest of the world. Like, sure, there are probably fat dudes in speedos and kids around, but that won’t kill your vibe. You probably have an affinity for tequila shots and hooking up with dudes in the summer you wouldn’t even look twice at when you’re back to your real life. You’ll definitely post a #TBT when you get home and the caption will say “I need a vacation from my vacation”. We get it, Julie, you’re hungover.
Let’s just group the Hamptons Betches together. (Side note: the Hamptons can be exclusive, but talk to me when you spend a weekend on Fishers Island.) You like that #LushLife. You’re a “see and be seen” kind of girl and the Jersey Shore just does not do it for you. You prefer events that are invitation only, and if you can’t name-drop after a vacation, you don’t see a point. You probably own at least one Lilly Pulitzer dress and your dusted off the Jack Rodgers for the first time this year so you could wear them to the beach. You pretend to be casual, but your idea of casual is a round of golf followed by a bottle of Veuve Clicquot. Your family probably winters in Sun Valley or Park City.
The betch who chooses an international vacation could really be one of two types of people. She’s either the kind of girl who wants to be somewhere exclusive, but, like, on steroids. Or, she’s the girl who spends the summer abroad to “expand her horizons.” If you fall in to the latter category, you’re definitely not a opposed to a fling with a
creepy mysterious Italian dude. When you contract HPV from him, it’ll be like a fun European souvenir you’ll have for the rest of your life. When you get back, you’ll annoy all your friends with how you pronounce “Barthelona”. It’ll take a good four months before anyone can stand to be around you again. Your new, worldly-yet-pretentious attitude will be palpable.
A Charity Trip
Ok so this isn’t necessarily a “spot” but whether you’re painting an elementary school in the scary part of a major U.S. city or solving the world’s problems in a developing nation, you fall into the same category of betch. Sure, what you’re doing is super commendable and you’re really shining a light on the selfishness of the rest of us assholes. You’re probably a bit of a nice girl. Your philanthropy is definitely the most unique thing about you; not that there’s anything wrong with that. You probably can’t sit with us just because we’ll feel guilty about ourselves when you start to talk about how you actually benefited the lives of other. Pass on having a conversation with anyone who makes me feel remotely spoiled.
OK, just admit it, you’re poor. Hey, you might not be poor forever, but you’re probably lacking major cash flow if you’re “choosing” to stay home when you could be, um, not home. Sure, getting out and exploring your own city can be cool, but we just call that living somewhere. Like, going out to eat and going to events is part of life and not a break from it. i.e. the whole point of a vacation. You can’t really brag to your coworkers about a place that they’ve literally all been. If you’re taking days off just to stay home, maybe resist bragging about it.
If there are two things that betches love in this world, it’s being lazy AF and drinking wine. I mean, fucking duh. I can’t think of anything I’d rather do besides absolutely nothing with a glass of rosé in my hand. The only thing that rains on that parade is when I run out and I have to drive somewhere, get out of the damn car, and go get it. Boo, you whore. It’s a problem because, obviously I can’t have too much rosé before I try to drive and acquire more rosé. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice. Well now, there’s a way to make grabbing a fresh bottle a little less of a hassle and a risk to myself and everyone on the road: a rosé drive thru, located in the Hamptons because of course it is.
BRB, packing real quick.
I know what you’re thinking…is this legal? Like, is rosé all of a sudden an exception to the whole no-drinking-and-driving thing? And no, it’s not. It’s still very much illegal to pop a bottle of rosé while cruising through the Hamptons, so like, you’ll have to wait until you get back to your share house to open it. Bummer. The whole thing is being put on by Joey Wölffer of the Wölffer Estate Vineyard who says this has always been a dream of hers. Same tbh. The only issue is that you have to buy the wine by the case so it starts at like 200 bucks. I mean, Jesus. Who do you think I am? Ina fucking Garten? But at least then you have enough to last you a little while so you don’t have to leave the house for like, at least the weekend. And I’ll raise a glass of rosé to that.
Read: Everything You Need To Know About Rosé To Sound Like You Know Shit About Wine
Betches flock to the Hamptons for the summer like the birds fly to Florida in the winter. It’s just nature. Whether you’re abusing your parents’ credit card to rent a place in Southampton with friends or just using the shit out of some girl you knew from your sorority for her family’s beach house, you’ll make it to the Hamptons at some point this summer, and when you do, you’ll want to have your workouts booked in advance. I mean, don’t even think about getting a front row bike at SoulCycle Montauk if you wait till you get there. There are so many trendy workouts in the Hamptons these days, but here’s our lineup of some of our favs:
1. Tracy Anderson Method
If the town of Easthampton existed in human form, that human would be Tracy Anderson. The Tracy Anderson Method uses toning and cardio exercises to strengthen “accessory muscles,” which is why you’re so sore after one class. Tracy Anderson has opened studios in LA, New York, and London, but her East Hampton and Watermill studios are the most recent and prob have the waspiest clients. I mean, celebs like Gwyneth Paltrow, Cameron Diaz, and Jennifer Aniston have raved over the Tracy Anderson method, so obviously every mom in upstate New York wants to book that 9am class before their Fourth of July BBQ.
2. Barry’s Bootcamp
There’s something about a Barry’s betch that just spells out, “Yes I’m up at 7am on a long weekend in Montauk to sprint at a 10.0 incline.” Basically, you don’t fuck with her. Barry’s has become insanely popular lately, and their Hamptons locations get booked fast, so you’ll want to book your treadmill like, a week in advance. By the time you’re on your third treadmill round, you’ll want to die, but it’s all worth it for the hundreds of calories you’re burning. And the $11 post-workout shake.
3. East End Row
People used to hit up rowing classes when they had an ankle injury and needed something that was lower impact than bootcamp classes, but honestly, you could be getting a better workout in a class like this. East End Row is a 50-minute cardio and strength session based on the rower, so you’re alternating between intense calorie-burning cardio and toning exercises on a mat. It also hits more muscle groups than spinning does, so you’re getting a legit full-body workout.
4. Erika Bloom Pilates
Erika Bloom is the professional dancer and fitness mastermind behind her Hamptons studios, and she teaches some of the classes herself, so make sure to book early and get ready for real Pilates. Her method focuses on small details in your body and your form, so you’re not just going through the motions without knowing what on earth is going on. Like, the teachers will literally move your leg to a slightly different angle to make sure you’re feeling the burn in the right muscles.
5. Punch Fitness Center Kickboxing
Punch Fitness is exactly as blunt as it sounds. It’s a dope kickboxing class. No frills, no SoulCycle tanks dominating the room—just a sick workout that will leave you sweating your ass off. Gloves and wraps are free for your first session, and you don’t have to have any kickboxing experience before you go. It’s honestly refreshing to punch the shit out of a bag sometimes, so if you have any built up anger, you should prob book a class.
6. AKT in Motion
If you’ve ever danced the whole night at Up & Down and felt like you were burning thousands of calories, welcome to AKT in Motion, where dancing is literally a better workout than you ever could’ve ever imagined. AKT is a dance-based interval class that prides itself on its sexy lights and trendy clientele. I mean, the AKTechnique was founded by celeb trainer Anna Kaiser, who literally had a six-pack while pregnant. Do we need to say more?
7. Well Within
Unlike the trendy workouts that have made their way from Santa Monica to Sag Harbor, Well Within is a “fitness concierge” service that was founded in the Hamptons by two local girls to offer personalized wellness in the area. I mean, only in the Hamptons. The classes offered include Fit Pilates, Aromatherapy Yoga, Candlelit Yoga, and Crystal Gridding, which is a holistic ancient healing process using crystals on your body. Let’s just say it’s an experience.
8. Gurney’s Montauk
If you’re not sick of using the Gurney’s geotag yet, it might be worth it to stick around and try their workout classes. They offer various bootcamp, spin, vinyasa flow, and pilates classes depending on the day, and the classes are pretty legit. They also offer personal training rates if you’re sticking around for the summer and want to get a good one-on-one fitness routine going. Or you could just show up to random classes with your friends hungover AF. Either one works.
SLT is a megaformer class with locations in NYC and the Hamptons, and we were hooked after trying a class last summer. The megaformer takes typical Pilates movements and makes them 10 times harder, so you’ll get a full-body workout while toning muscles you never even knew you had. Trust us on this one. Whether you’re a beginner to the megaformer machine or consider yourself a Pilates veteran, you will be sore as fuck the next day. And probably the day after that.
While casually perusing the internet this week, I had the misfortune of stumbling upon an article from the New York Post entitled, “Hamptons Bachelors Are Getting Vasectomies So Gold Diggers Can’t Trap Them“. I pause. I look around. Is it April Fools? Is this a fucking joke? Surely this is some kind of satirical statement about what the world would be like if the Trump agenda continues to pass? Right? RIGHT?!? I click. No. Sadly, this article is real. Too real. And there actually are multiple grown adult men who think that women who vacay in the Hamptons (aka us) are doing so in order to get pregnant and have their shitty rich guy babies. Vom.
From the very first sentence, this article lets you know exactly what type of bro would get a preemptive anti-gold digger vasectomy:
“When Scott, a male model who says he’s in his 30s, kicks off the Hamptons high season this weekend at his Sag Harbor waterfront house, the unattached hunk won’t have any reservations about hooking up with women he hardly knows.”
Okay so like, as far as I can tell there are upwards of 100 things wrong with just this sentence alone. First and foremost, can someone confirm to me that this “male model who says he’s in his thirties” and got dick surgery to avoid condoms named Scott is not actually Scott Disick? This could 100% be Scott Disick.
Secondly, “says he’s in his 30s” is a very strange way to describe someone’s age. Does the author have reason to believe that Scott is not, in fact, in his 30s? I’m picturing a 60-year-old in a flat brim hat screaming about how he keeps meeting gold diggers on “The Tinder,” and considering that Scott does not provide a photo of himself here (probably for the best), I’m going to go ahead and say that I am 100% correct.
Other problems with this sentence include, but are not limited to: the use of the words “unattached hunk,” which made me want to gouge out my eyes, and the fact that potential future child support payments are the only reservation this 30- (read: 60-) year-old man has with having unprotected sex with women he barely knows.
Scott, if you’re reading this, you have HPV. I don’t know this, but I know this.
Now, while truly every part of this article is a nightmare freakshow from fuckboy hell, I’ve chosen a few key parts to highlight the many, many problems presented here by at least five men, all of whom should be deported and sent to live on that island made of trash in the Pacific.
First, there’s this sentence, which will haunt me until the day I die:
“Scott — who describes himself as “Tarzan with light eyes” — typically beds up to 10 different women per summer and estimates that 20 percent of the single ladies he encounters are looking to trap a rich guy with a baby.”
Okay so this definitely is Scott Disick. Tarzan with light eyes? What the fuck is that? In no universe is it okay for a man to describe himself this way (unless he’s giving his Bachelorette contestant bio, in which case, anything goes…)
So let’s break down this math. White Tarzan hooks up with 10 women per summer, and of those ten at least two of them (20%—I know math) are attempting to trap him with their ovaries. Interesting hypothesis, Scott. I would like to now provide a counter-hypothesis: you’re a fucking dumbass.
Here’s what I imagine a conversation with Scott would be like:
WOMAN: Hey, are you in line for the bathroom?
SCOTT: Wow. Okay. Um. I’m actually not interested in a relationship right now, but thank you. *touches small of woman’s back as he walks away*
The article then introduces us to Matt, a 41-year-old divorced Park Slope resident who “works in media and drives a Jaguar convertible.” Please excuse me while I grab my vibrator. Can’t imagine anything sexier than a 41-year-old divorcé who lives in Brooklyn and has a car. Where would I ever find such a prize?
Matt got his preemptive vasectomy in four years ago in May, to ensure that his penis was thoroughly useless by the time summer came around. What poor Matt doesn’t realize is that his penis was useless all along. The call is coming from inside the house, Matty.
According to Dr. David Shusterman, the only man so sad and pathetic that he actually put his real name in this trash, these men “don’t want to be in the situation of being accused of fathering an unwanted baby.”
This doctor knows that pregnancy takes the work of two people to occur, right? Like it’s not something women do to men out of anger. In this scenario, you’re not “being accused of fathering an unwanted baby.” You just actually fathered an unwanted baby because you stuck your big money diamond dick unwrapped into a woman you’ve barely met. That’s why it happened. It’s not a trap. It’s science. How are you a doctor?
Dr. Shusterman adds that these men are also doing an “analysis of cost” because the price of a vasectomy is ultimately less than what they’d have to pay if they got someone pregnant. Um, okay…y’all know what else is pretty cheap? Condoms. Real cheap. You can buy a shitload of them on Amazon and fuck as many girls as you want. It’s kind of magical, really.
Then Dr. Shusterman adds, “rich guys are a population that’s abused a lot.”
And for that reason, Dr. Shusterman is now cancelled. Sorry Dr. Shusterman. It’s time for you to go back to the house, pack your things, and go home.
34-year-old bachelor John (who asked to have his name changed for reasons that will become clear in a moment) says that last summer a woman “pulled a fast one” on him when he caught her trying to artificially inseminate herself in his bathroom with the remnants of their used condom.
What the fuck kind of women is John hooking up with? The average twenty-something Hamptons goer (aka me) is not usually in a place where “getting pregnant” is even in the top 10 of your to do list. If a woman is at the Hamptons hooking up with rando rich guys, she’s probably looking for access to his liquor cabinet and the opportunity to take pics by his pool. That’s it. Do these guys really think that young, hot women—who, btw, have enough money to be vacationing in the Hamptons without trapping men into lifelong child support payments—want to destroy their lives, and more importantly, their vaginas, by having their shitty kid? I think not. Also, and I wouldn’t put it past a group of rich caucasian Tarzans not to know about this, but there is a little thing called the GOP healthcare bill that is going around, which the CBO estimates would raise maternity coverage by one thousand dollars per month so yeah, getting pregnant isn’t this biological piggy bank that women can break open at any time. It actually costs us money.
How much do these dumbasses really think their child support payments are worth? I’m not saying that there aren’t women out there desperate enough to do such a thing (I’ve heard it’s a pretty good way to become First Lady, actually) but this is not the norm. The idea that these guys are encountering multiple women per summer who are sneaking off into the bathroom and turkey basting themselves in order to trap men into fatherhood honestly says more about where they’re going to pick up women than it does about the women themselves. Like, where are you meeting these women? RussianEscorts.Com?
Heads up, dudes—if ya girl first approached you on a street corner and told you that her name was “Candy Crush,” she’s probably not “off work,” if you know what I mean.
Literal prostitutes aside, I highly doubt there are this many women in the Hamptons looking to get knocked up. Having a baby isn’t like…easy for women. It’s not like they just have the thing and use all the child support money to go on trips. They use the money to raise a fucking baby for the next 18 years. Nobody is like, “Oh! I’m gonna get pregnant so I can start getting gel manicures!” Chances are, if you get one of your random Hamptons hookups pregnant she is just as upset as you are. Actually, probably more upset because now she has to deal with your dumbass for the rest of her life, or at least has to go through the trouble of sending you a Venmo request for half the price of an abortion.
So to Matt, John, Scott and all the other men who contributed to this article, I think I speak for all women when I say: You can go shave your back now. K Bye.