Last week I taught everyone a lesson not to sleep on me. This week on Final Reckoning week 16, we begin with Nelson and Brad trying to teach each other a lesson as well. Brad told Kayleigh he wants to give her toilet paper for all the sh*t she talks, and Nelson wasn’t having it. As a war breaks out after the Redemption elimination (where Natalie and I came through in one of the biggest upsets this season) Nelson continues to beg Brad to spank his ass. Brad drops a bomb comeback: “You line up a motherf*cking fight, and I’ll meet you in your weight class, b*tch!”

I’m just wondering why MTV hasn’t jumped on top of this opportunity yet. “Call the Lawyers.” Give the people what they want! The losing teams head back to Redemption and no one is more excited than Cara to have #PaNatalie back in the house. TJ wasn’t lying when he said I went from “cigarettes and sadness to happiness, and let’s do this!” I’m pumped to be back in the main house. Can’t say the LL’s feel the same.

On the bus to Redemption, Kam takes the opportunity to make fun of the boys’ loss to #PaNatalie. #TeamBB literally spent almost two months in Redemption and their first win came against the so-called “powerhouse” duo that is Kyle and Brad. Kam’s okay with her loss because Cara is a legend, and Brad reminds her that I’m part of that team as well… Since when am I not a legend? Show some damn respect, boys. Don’t make me pull out the toilet paper, Brad.

At the main house, Johnny is super excited to have Natalie back. In true passive-aggressive fashion, Natalie brings up Angela, and Johnny asks, “who?” What you don’t see is Johnny hanging the panties Angela left him over Natalie’s bed. Call me old-fashioned, but this and many other reasons is why I never leave a thong behind. Come on girls, do better.

Outside, Devin and Cory discuss their almost flawless game. Considering they’ve only participated in one challenge thus far, I can’t disagree. We are then reminded of what drives the boys as they plan for their first challenge wins: Devin is here to make his later father proud, and Cory is here to promote Teen Mom. Just kidding. Kind of.

We get another adorable picture of Ryder, Cory’s daughter, and I can hear my uterus sigh. MTV makes parenthood so appealing. Had I known Teen Mom was dropping the “Teen” qualification for the show, I may have never gotten a #Smushmortion. I’m KIDDING. *sweats profusely* Cory and Devin agree it’s best to act oblivious and remain low-key. Good idea. What could PASTAbly go wrong?

We head to the bar/dead restaurant and Cory lets us know DADDY’S EATING GOOD TONIGHT. I’m not usually turned on when someone calls themselves Daddy, but tonight is different. Cory, if you want another baby… I’m potty trained… most nights. We get a quick shot of me and Sylvia talking in the background, and this was actually her apologizing to me. I can definitely hold a grudge, but in a Challenge house, it’s hard to. I may or may not need her allegiance moving forward. There are millions of reasons I decided to let the head-butt go, and they all spell money. Right, Nelson?

On the way home we’re continuing to enjoy our time together… and our leftovers. Within minutes the bus goes from 0 to 100 after Tony decides to throw Cory’s pasta out the window. The girls and I head inside, not knowing how serious this all would end, and I’m pissed I didn’t see it firsthand. Cory blindsides Tony with a backward trip/flip and again, I’m turned on. I guess there’s just something about food fights that get me going.

The house is in a total uproar as both sides plead their case. Devin is sure that they must have slipped and Bananas is positive that they didn’t. The only thing I know is that Shane must have taught Nelson a new word this week. Nelson goes on to use the word “amplify” as many times as possible before the end of the episode. Good job Nelly, but can you spell it?

Johnny brings Tony into one of the interview rooms as the audience gets a behind-the-scenes look into how we do things. Bougie, right? John takes full advantage of being “the victim” and tells us that severe emotional traumas can really bring people together. Shut up. Tony and Cory both head to the hotel and no one knows what’s going to happen. Sylvia embraces her new villain role outside as she talks to Joss about the possibilities of both teams leaving. Why do I get Little Mermaid Ursula vibes here?

Once Tony and Cory leave, John is left alone with the gang mentality that makes up TYB. I’m never one to feel bad for John, but this was so obnoxious. Nelson literally woke our entire room up just to “amp” sh*t up and see John’s veins pop out of his head. Johnny lets Nelson know he doesn’t want to speak to idiots and this cues Devin, “the smart one”, to tap in.

Johnny is getting followed around the house by TYB. Even I’m getting annoyed. You’re not going to hit him, so can’t we all just go to bed? I’m not sure why Devin decides to follow John out to the front of the house since he already lives inside his head, but he does. John reaches his breaking point and hits Devin so low that even Nelson can see it on his tippy toes: “I hope the apple fell far from the tree because you’re a piece of sh*t.” OH, HELL TO THE N-O. It is never EVER appropriate to bring up someone’s deceased family, ESPECIALLY in this situation. #TeamDevin.

The following day John has cooled down and gives a lackluster apology to the camera. Do we believe him? I’m not sure… but I’d like to give anyone the benefit of the doubt when it comes to being such a piece of sh*t. Tony returns to the house hoping for some TYB sympathy, but no one cares. Cory returns to the house and apologizes to Devin. I’m happy we can move past the pasta… turns out, TJ can’t though.

Apparently, this week production doesn’t condone physical violence and Cory and Devin are gone. Can someone say game-changer? I hate to see them leave, but LOVE to watch them walk away. See you in the states, boys! I have a hearty laugh when John asks “who put a knuckle in Joss?” because it’s true. I catch some secondhand embarrassment for Joss but remember he’s beautiful so I don’t feel bad. It’s Challenge time!

Its TJ’s favorite Challenge, Trivia! Typically I’d be excited about something that uses my brain, but these challenges always seem to have some sort of sadistic twist to them. This time, it’s standing 35 feet over water on a plank with a hammer kick to the bottom if you get 3 X’s…wonderful. Last time we did heights over water was the meat challenge. I’m not lying, if you don’t fall perfectly penciled that sh*t hurts and is also extremely dangerous (case in point, Leroy in the Vendetta car challenge). My face says it all as the contraption begins to lift.

I slowly walk out to the plank and begin to cry. This is my “I don’t want to be here” cry and can be spotted every Monday at 8am as I walk into work. Johnny surprisingly tries to calm me down as TJ notices Cara, like a disappointed dad, is NOT feeling this challenge either. Her face is DEAD as she gets up on the platform. I obviously screenshot Cara’s face and immediately set it as her contact picture in my phone.

We begin and I worry these questions were made for Nelson—any idiot can answer them. Me, Johnny, and Paulie all use our first X’s on Sylvia and Joss, and they’re out before they even get a question. Sylvia wonders when she’s gonna catch a break. Cue my eye roll. Quick to forget the head-butting incident, are we? As team #Sloss gets booted into the water the contraption shakes and down goes John. I would have laughed had I not been extremely terrified. Shane and Nelson are up next and use their correct answer to finish off Tony.

Shane and Nelson have two X’s when Nelson can’t remember the name of the elimination ring he fought in, several times, on Dirty Thirty. I’m not surprised and I’m NOT sad. See ya later, hater. Cara and I get ours correct and decide to use it on Ashley and Hunter. In hindsight, we probably should’ve used it on PaNatalie. We were in a much safer position if the opposing side won (they’d probably go for PaNatalie) and wouldn’t choose us to go against. I also believe that Ashley would’ve used her X on PaNatalie because they would’ve just axed her. Lapse of judgment.

It comes down to PaNatalie vs. Cara and me, and I’m praying they get this wrong. If they do, it’s back in our court. My prayers go unanswered as usual when I hear TJ say the word pizza. Paul’s been a super fan of the show and upon meeting him at the airport for departure he said: “You wanna pizza me?” I’m screwed. They answer correctly and TJ seems upset that I’d throw a pizza on Brad and Britni.

I plead my case that I simply delivered it and get rocked to the water. Two months in Redemption, near-death experience, and a pizza question leaves PaNatalie in a power spot. Ashley says she’s worried about their vote. She’s not sure who they’re aligned to, and neither am I. I felt this was worse-case scenario and sulked all the way to nominations.

What happens next? You won’t believe.

Next week’s episode is going to put a HUGE wrench in any Challenge fantasy games out there. Good luck kids, and remember, IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PASTA!

Peace and love,
RiRi

Images: MTV (4); Giphy (2)

We begin this episode mourning last week’s elimination results. Ashley, Sylvia, and I pour one out for our homie Amanda, while Tony shares a love note Zach left him with John. With Zach and all of John’s other bros in Redemption, Bananas realizes he’s going to have a tough time moving forward. Considering nobody likes him. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on the day for me), he isn’t fully out of luck. Cara reminds us while playing with a green boa alone in the background that nobody likes her either. Losers unite!

I feel slightly embarrassed as I watch Devin and Cory take a house tour. It was much cleaner six weeks ago when the rest of us moved in. As they celebrate their win, we get another ridiculously adorable picture of Cory’s daughter, Ryder. I want to babysit her forever. The audience then learns that Devin was meant to have a place in this house from the start. After flying 24 hours to South Africa, Devin was made aware that his father had passed away. My heart breaks for him now as it broke for him then.

Devin, If you ever need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, a kiss, late night booty call, girlfriend, future wife, or whatever you want—call me. Jokes (or truth) aside, I’m so happy he decided to come back. He’s the only person that can make John angry solely by breathing. Would’ve loved seeing them forced to work together. Now you know why fruity didn’t have a partner in the beginning.

Outside, The Lavender Ladies and their “groupie” (me) are chatting by the pool. Now that Jozea and Da’Vonne are at Redemption, there are only two teams left for the LL’s to target before self-destructing: Banony and #TeamCaraMarie. While I haven’t always been tight with the Lavender Ladies, I was close with Sylvia, a fellow “Dolphin”. During Vendettas last season, Sylvia, Kam, Kailah, and I formed an equally, if not more obnoxiously named, girlfriend alliance, The Dolphins. Don’t ask. Nonetheless, Sylvia and I had a real, and very recent, relationship going into this house.

I understand why she might want to go against me in this game, as I’m aligned by default with two people that I formerly hated as well. There’s a reason you see Johnny and Tony vote for Ashley and Hunter later in the episode during nominations. The goal of speaking to Sylvia was for her and me to regroup and take advantage of the new numbers (and teams) in the main house.

I can’t say if Sylvia would have agreed with my plan because she never gave me the opportunity to pitch it, but I can say I’m a ridiculously good saleswoman and would have closed the deal on the spot. Ashley thinks I’m delusional and I think Sylvia, along with everybody else, needs new jokes when it comes to my numerous personalities. They’re called moods. Okurrrr?

At the Redemption house, Paulie is sad to see his Big Brother friends walk in while Zach seems happy, for the first time ever, as he runs inside the house with open arms. Zach lets everyone know why he’s blessed them with his presence and how much of a better person he is than Amanda for doing the exact same thing—being stubborn. You’re both great humans and I appreciate the decisions you made in last week’s elimination. Love you both.

It’s Challenge day and we’re playing “what goes up must come down”. TJ explains that a two hundred foot building and weird floor puzzle are the only things standing between us and a win today. He lied. That’s not the only obstacle for #TeamCaraMarie; we’re also rewarded with the disadvantage we took home last challenge after losing. For us, the door to that 200 ft building will be locked until we find the key to open it. Good.

Devin and Cory are up first and Devin is excited. This challenge seems like it’s right in his wheelhouse: “little cardio, big puzzle.” He gets me. TJ blows the horn and they’re off. Down below Hunter chants “TYB” for the 29299483209th time since Cory entered the house last night. I think Nelson might actually have a hard-on. They cruise past the puzzle portion with great communication and make their way down. I begrudgingly laugh out loud as John says that Devin looks like a geriatric patient as he slowly makes his way. Anxiously, I wait for TJ to tell them that they “set the bar low” like he’s told Cara and me every single Challenge so I can let out a “haha” and point like Nelson from The Simpsons. I don’t get my chance.

Ashley and Hunter are up and we see exactly why their love never blossomed. I feel like I’m watching my grandmother scream at my grandfather because he hears nothing. It is at this exact moment, while Ashley is screaming out orders to Hunter, that I realize who she reminds me of! Ruth Langmore, the badass hillbilly from the Netflix series Ozark. If you don’t know what I’m talking about and have access to Netflix, close this recap immediately and go watch it right now. Ashley struggles to get down the building and Cara yells that there’s a Gucci bag at the bottom for some game time inspiration. Where’s that kind of motivation when I’m doing something Cara? GUCCI GETS ME GOING!

Cara and I are up next, and I’m pissed off. Cara takes longer than expected to unlock the door and I’ve managed to memorize nothing while she was doing so. We make it to the top, without stopping might I add, and we get a stomach-turning POV shot from Cara as she looks down at the puzzle. I hate heights. Cara begins reading off colors but I, in all my glory considering I am still alive after that stair run, do not realize there are TWO buckets of puzzle pieces by the board, not one.

We actually communicated extremely well once someone from production tapped my shoulder and made me aware of the issue (another box of puzzle pieces) at hand. We strap in and head down the wall and I am literally in shock at my own performance. I’m in even MORE shock when I turn to tell Cara “Look what I can do!” and realized she’s way behind me. While we probably won’t win today, I felt as if I did. No offense taken, Tony.

Up next is Shanelly and I’M SCREAMING at their team interview. Nelson has my brain on overdrive. He’s giving me way too much material to roast with him with. It’s time to go night-night!

My takeaway: At first Nelson wanted to strangle Shane but now he wants to straddle him. They speed up the steps and are clearly the team to beat at this point. With Shane’s help, Nelson completes his first puzzle in his life and probably last ever too. I have to say, while I currently don’t like Nelson because he tried to get mad at me over Kayleigh drama, I do love watching him. The guy is literally THE GOOFIEST. The sexual puns he’s unknowingly feeding the audience right now are the highlight of the episode for me thus far.

Sylvia and Joss go, and I actually forgot about this dynamic duo. They race up the stairs, yada yada yada, John sends another lame joke Amanda’s way and they finish. Sylvia makes a good joke about not working out when she gets to the top, but clearly, I’m feeling a type of way tonight as I write this. It’s hard not to go back to a feeling when you’re watching it back. I love you, Sylvia. I’ll try harder.

Banony is the last pair to go. They are well aware that if they can’t beat Shane’s time, Nelson is gonna put the power vote on dat ass. As everyone screams different colors from the ground below in hopes to mess up John, I chose to remain silent and pray. I know that if Banony wins, Cara and I are definitely going into elimination. Spoiler Alert: Banony wins. Crazy how John could go from world’s biggest bully in Challenge history to the victim in only 14 episodes. I bet you’re rooting for them, aren’t you? He’s really embracing the victim role well. I guess that’s what happens when you get on basic television.

ANYWAY, as a self-described realist, I’ll be the first to say that the performance of #TeamCaraMarie thus far in Challenges deserves an elimination appearance. However, I’ll also be a complete hypocrite and say how the f*ck is this season fair? Whoever created this “Final Reckoning” theme definitely had their sights set on two new male champions to add to their short list of alumni under 60 who’d accept a Champs Vs. Stars call. I’m pissed.

During what should be a friendly game of cards in my and Shane’s room, I think it’s a good time to try to talk game. Again. Persistence breaks down resistance! I won’t go down without a fight. BET. LOL. Sylvia doesn’t want to chat because she’s having fun knowing she’s not going in, and I find out that my bestie Shane plans on saying my name as well. If ANYONE has had a real alliance here, it was me and Shane. We shared that cozy little room you see us sitting in, we burned votes on each other numerous times, and even Cara knew well enough to tell John last week that I’d never say his name. Even if every team still planned to say my name, why couldn’t you just vote rogue? It’s not like anyone expects that we’d chose to go against you. That’s crazy talk.

Cara feels bad for me but she shouldn’t. I’m never a victim because I don’t allow myself to be. I’ve known where I stood with this group all along. I’m just in a dark, angry place right now as production forces me to get dressed for a night out. The bar is completely empty because we’re not allowed to speak to strangers and it’s just adding insult to injury as I have to listen to “TYB” chants after every fruity shot of Triple Sec they take. Like, Can you even? Triple. Sec.

Ashley decides to join me in the corner and asks why I’m upset. I don’t know, maybe every single team in the house is voting me in tomorrow. It’s pretty reasonable that I don’t want to be around them. I know eliminations are part of the challenge. I also know that I don’t f*ck with anyone right now, so let me live. Ashley lets me know she’s won one of these before, just like she lets anyone know within five minutes of meeting them. She says I need to accept elimination and that I shouldn’t light fires. Alexa, play every time Ash has started a fire on a Challenge. The New Yorker in me is starting to show.

Oh god. Now I’m crying? I’m an emotional drunk. Kidding. I’m always emotional. Big f*ck you to Shane who says a million dollars can buy him friends who are less crazy than me. Drinks are on YOU motherf*cker at the reunion this week. I hate that it seems like I’m desperate, but all I ever wanted was a conversation because I’m desperate. I wasn’t frustrated so much about going in as I expected my time was running short, I was frustrated that Sylvia (my friend who I talked to every day prior to the show, and even went on weekend getaways with) wouldn’t give me the time of day.

As I pull Sylvia aside again for the second time that night, I laugh as I watch myself transform into Marnie, my alter ego. Part of me feels as if I secretly enjoy being denied. Would totally make sense considering my lifelong list of unavailable crushes and men who will never be interested in me. On a positive note, my hair looks great here.

Back at the house, Cara’s making pizza, and that’s never a good sign for me. Sylvia tells me that I’m the only person freaking out while simultaneously freaking out herself. We do the chest bump thing that everyone does in this house and I hope that she hits me. I’ll take a bruise over an elimination ANY DAY. If it gets physical someone goes home, right Kailah? Seeing this footage makes me understand why it didn’t happen. I was clearly an antagonist in this situation and the headbutt, while a great throwback WWE move, really was weak AF.

“Did you just headbutt my partner?” “Noooo never.” I AM DEAD. I wish I would’ve fallen to the floor screaming like I used to back when I played soccer many, many, many, years ago. I am cracking up at how unbothered I am as I storm around like Dora The Explorer in my backpack. *shrugs* “Fine. f*ck you” *middle finger high* exits. The next day they made us film TJ warning us about physical altercations, so the “that’s my warning” line was in response to his. Is it weird that I’m my own biggest fan?

TJ shows up for the secret vote, but it’s no secret, Cara and I are 100% going in. Nelson knows that it’s down to the “needy greedy” and everyone votes for us as predicted. OUR TURN! Sorry about the turtle comment, Sylvia. No idea. Cara calls me her friend and what follows is my favorite moment from Final Reckoning… and that says A LOT. Now that NOBODY LIKES ME too, Cara can finally like me. Sylvia head butting me was just what the doctor ordered. Is it just me or does Cara seem fired up for the first time this season? Gotta be top five cutest challenge moments ever. Don’t @ me.

Cara and I have nothing to lose going into this elimination. We’re both fired up over recent events and even more fired up over our recent friendship. The board lights up and Cara is excited we finally won something. Let’s keep this momentum going! TJ tells me I’m a far cry from cigarettes and sadness and I blink twice with no expression and say “Thank you, TJ?” It’s time to see who our options are when a song I’ve never heard before (but will totally jam to) turns on and so does the board.

Everyone is worried about getting picked. And everyone has good reason to be. Cory and Devin just got here, Hunter’s been a b*tch aggressively coming for Cara (Not John) all season as he pretends, Sylvia, because the head thing, and Shane because he’s right when he says I’M PETTY.

Without discussing our options we look at each other and call down Shane and Nelson. Nelson’s final interview of the episode erases all the good he did earlier and I dislike him again. Here’s hoping we get those equalizers. GIRL POWER!

What’d you think of tonight’s episode? Best one yet?

#TeamCaraMARIE

Images: Giphy (3); MTV (5)

In last week’s recap, I apologized to The Challenge editing team. This week, I take it back. F*ck you. Last night’s episode was shocking for more than one reason. Not only did we get an elimination that was completely unexpected, but we also got another episode edit that made literally no sense. I’m beginning to wonder if John puts these things together himself. Luckily I have been granted the opportunity to write this recap and let everyone know the TRUTH about what really went on.

Before we jump into this week, let’s recap last week: Kyle and Brad got eliminated and were sent to Redemption, where an underwhelming meet-and-greet with their enemy Paulie wasted five minutes of my life. Zach and Amanda embarrassed everyone with how quickly they took the day’s W. I was the only cast member to actually build a makeshift stick out of twigs because my partner has lost complete sight of the game.

This week we pick up right where we left off. Zach and Amanda need to decide where to place their power vote. While winning is a great way to NEVER get eliminated (or so we thought) Amanda lets us know that her win is bittersweet as she and Zach can’t seem to get on the same page. Outside Zach is b*tching about Amanda and the fact that he always gets paired with girl rivals. Here’s a thought, Zach: maybe stop arguing with only female players and perhaps your luck will change. Nelson tells Zach that he wants to get Bananas out, and Zach begins to cry at the thought of losing his BFF Tony.

Ah, bromance.

At this point in the game, Jozea and Davonne need to pick a side. The power of their rogue vote has come to an end. Cara tells them that’s a good place to be as the two main alliances begin to attempt wooing them to their side. Cara was made aware by ME, her partner, that the LL’s had plans to align their votes and come for the king of fruit, Bananas. But this wasn’t always the plan. In fact, it was my actions that forced their decision to do so… but we’ll get to that later.

Apparently, that makeshift stick of twigs I made last week is also up an editor’s ass this season as they begin to paint the idea that John was the mastermind behind this week’s nomination choices. I wonder if they too have a lackluster sex tape with John. The sun goes down and Banony invites Cara for a jog outside. I wasn’t invited to this pow-wow because a) Johnny thinks I’m a double agent (which was true), and b) I never agree to a late-night jog session or jog in general ever.

Bananas knows he has no friends and needs to rally some votes to keep him out of elimination. He suggests to Cara that we should vote for Shanelly, but she lets him know I’d never say Shane’s name (unless of course we had agreed to it for our benefit *See most nomination burns for reference.*) I like that she finally acknowledges here that in order to do anything in this game she’s going to need my help. Except for playing with her hair… I’d never touch that. They agree to vote for Ashley and Hunter, and we head over to the Redemption house where Kyle and Paulie share a space other than Cara’s vagina.

Upstairs in the Redemption house, we get what I feel should be the biggest takeaway from the episode, the importance of eyebrows. Kam agrees that Kayleigh’s eyebrows are Insta-worthy and I bet, like myself, you’re all wishing you were blessed with stunning eyebrows as well. If, like me, your eyebrow game isn’t strong, and your ability to fake them with makeup is even worse… I highly suggest googling microblading. Life. Changing.

Downstairs we finally get the interaction between Kyle and Paulie we deserve. Last week, Paulie decided it’s best to play cool with Kyle, but now he’s had a change of heart. Paulie lets everyone know that he should’ve come into the game single and f*cked Cara. We all know if you keep up with this show outside of just the show in any regard, that at the end that didn’t matter regardless. Paulie explains that he didn’t realize Kyle had feelings for Cara since he was getting wet with Faith in the hot tub day one. Kyle thinks Paulie is a sheep and that his ex-girlfriend is f*ckable. I laugh.

I laugh harder when Paulie says that if things were to get physical between the two, Kyle would end up looking like his pre-surgery self. Who says girls can only start drama? While I never condone violence, I definitely crossed my fingers hoping these two would hit each other. Sidenote: Why does Kyle always squeak when he’s trying to be a tough guy? Classic “I’m a lover, not a fighter” reaction. They both deserve a good spanking. Where’s Cara when you need her?

At the main house, Nelson puts on his thinking cap and approaches Da’Vonne in the bedroom. Shoutout to lil’ momma for coining the term “mental bum” during Champs V. Stars, because that’s exactly what Nelson is. Apparently, Day and Nelson went to the same school, but I find that hard to believe considering the massive difference between their intelligence. Nelson provides me with another hilarious #OOTD in his leather jacket. Nelson has no clue about the temperature in this house, literally and figuratively.

In the living room, John attempts to gain the support of #TeamBB. If he is able to rally three votes, he believes HE can force a tie scenario in elimination. With Zach in the power seat, John knows that this is his safest bet. John lets Da’Vonne and Jozea know he’s on a “need to know basis” and the following information is something that I believe the audience NEEDS TO KNOW:

After the daily challenge, I was made aware by Hunter that if I voted him in, he would choose Cara and me. For someone who barks big in the interviews they show about coming for Bananas, this was never the case. By continuing my relationship with the LL’s I knew that their votes were not all aligned in the beginning as their original plan was to go after me and Cara.

Shane, being my bestie, would not agree with this move. Had the team stuck to this plan, The votes would have fallen 3-2. If this went down, Ashley and Hunter would receive the most votes and Cara and I would definitely face them in elimination. Being privy to both sides of the spectrum, and the idea that the LL’s thought our side was coming for Shane, I let Ashley know that the plan had changed and they would be the team we targeted. By doing so, I brought out Paranoid Pam in Ashley. She rallied her troops as expected to come together as one and vote for Banony.

Nobody wants to knowingly go into elimination, even if it’s against me and Cara. I knew that if Ashley got the majority of the votes, Cara and I were going in. I also knew that if we could somehow force a tie, the decision would come down to Zach and Amanda. Both of whom had made it clear to everyone that they would not back down to each other’s wishes. We didn’t know what would happen if the power team could not come to a decision… but a 50/50 chance of going in was way better odds.

Another thing to point out was that Da’Vonne was on board with this plan from the very beginning. She had no reason to align with the LL’s pecking orders. They’ve been the the ones who’ve attempted to take her out. The girl isn’t stupid. By her going to Ashley and letting her THINK she was on board with their plan to vote in John, she made the LL’s more confident to follow through. They assumed Bananas would take a safe bet going against #TeamBB if voted into elimination.

It’s the night before nominations and Amanda and Zach still can’t seem to get on the same page. Tony says tomorrow’s elimination will show everyone’s cards—and it will. Zach is 1,000 percent positive that Tony will never say his name. He lets Amanda and Ashley know he’d put his entire bank account on that. I die from laughter when Ashley says “What, all two dollars?” and the camera zooms in on her ripping her cig.

Bananas thinks Amanda is the spawn of Satan because she’s calling him on his bullsh*t. Zach reminds her that she might be Satan since she hoped Cara’s horse died. Amanda replies with “At least I didn’t wish for her to die,” and she has a point. Amanda is a whole mood this episode. She tells Zach to stop acting like a “bad b*tch.” Hate her or love her… I LOVE HER.

At Armageddon, the votes fall as planned. Zach and Amanda must chose between Banony and Hunter and Ashley. After a snippy back-and-forth, TJ tells them if they can’t decide on who goes in, they’re going in. Zach unzips his jacket and walks down. I am Sylvia when they show her say “WHAT” in slow motion. I am also myself when I laugh in shock at the fact that this just happened. This couldn’t have gone any better for me and Cara.

Since Amanda and Zach were supposed to be safe, they now have to choose who will face them in elimination. Amanda is in shock that she has to play in street clothes just because Zach has one friend in life other than Jenna. They decide to chose Da’Vonne and Jozea. Day lets us all know exactly how she feels, especially towards Ashley and Hunter who are “b*tches.” I’m #TEAMDAY here. I really needed her to pull out this upset.

Just when we think we’re about to see a BB vs. Zach/Amanda elimination, TJ calls out a pair of new mercenaries, Devin and Cory. While I never hate some good eye candy, this team will in no way benefit my game. They both adamantly hate John, and by default, Cara as well. Devin is here to remind Bananas why he’s a piece of sh*t human. Cory is here to take home that money to his baby, Ryder. PS: Cory has now joined the Teen Mom family on MTV and I couldn’t be more excited to stalk their adorable little family on social media.

Both Team Day and Zach/Amanda lose to Cory and Devin and this is HUGE. Had they come together as a team and made a decision, I’d bet my entire bank account (that may or may not be two dollars) that after this weekend’s festivities, Zach and Amanda were going to win this entire thing.

Next week find out what happens when the target readjusts to #TeamCaraMarie. I’ve been told this episode will be the greatest episode in recent seasons. Get ready for some badass Marie moments, and a good old-fashioned head-butt.

What did you think of this week’s INSANE elimination results?

Images: MTV (8); Giphy (1)

If you don’t know, now you know. I’m badass. We are officially midseason and I still haven’t been eliminated. You’re welcome. I’d write a bunch of witty “previously on” takeaways right about here, but I’m way too excited to talk about myself. So let’s jump in to this week’s episode (which is most definitely not named after me) “You’re the Worst.”

We begin the episode at last week’s purge, where the losing team will come down to either #TeamKamleigh or #TeamCaraMarie. A miracle occurs when Kam is unable to eat more than 6 plates and Cara and I skate by on the skin of our teeth. Well, her teeth. That sh*t was not going in my mouth. I feel you, Kam. As Kamleigh walk away to join PaNatalie in Redemption, I secretly wish I was a fly on the wall to see their homecoming. Luckily this is reality television, so essentially we kind of are.

Kamleigh shows up to Redemption and Natalie is shocked. She welcomes them to her home with an “Oh my god.” Paulie happily greets his new house guests and Natalie heads upstairs to find her Xanax. Nat has problems with both Kam and Kay at this point. Kam because of her heroic “read” in last week’s elimination, and Kayleigh because she outed her on social media. I’m 78% certain Natalie alluded to being a lesbian during the Vendettas reunion… but don’t quote me on that… because I don’t care. Natalie has 2 choices: Sleep until the next Armageddon or address her issues head on. I’m here for either option.

At the main house it’s PARTY TIME. At the bar I’m hanging with the lavender ladies as usual because they’re a great time. Every time we had a chance to go out this season, I chose to be very cautious of my liquor intake. The majority of the house hated Cara and if I lost my cool (like I typically do after 12 shots of tequila), we’re done. Sylvia notes that I’m a “sometimes” lavender lady. I agree.

I’m not official #LL because 1) I wasn’t there for its creation, and 2) I’ll never be a groupie. Cara tries to have a surprisingly genuine conversation with Ashley but Smash isn’t having it. For the first time I actually feel bad for Cara watching this show. Ashley knew Cara and Kyle were a thing and that there were feelings there. We explained the Faith situation when she arrived. She didn’t need to check “sex facts” because we relayed the message. Bottom line: Ashley doesn’t give a f*ck… well mentally at least. HEHE

We head home and after a long night of sly whispers and dirty looks, Cara finally cracks. The girls had been taunting her for a while and even I was over it. I remember calming her down outside when, out of nowhere, Joss poured water on her head from the balcony above us. At that time we didn’t know it was him, but regardless, it was the last straw. In that moment, I saw her eyes light on fire and I couldn’t help but give her a nod of approval. It was go time and I supported whatever she was about to do. Had I been in her position, not only would my eyes be lit, but so would the house as I burned it to the ground. When all the craziness is happening, keep a close eye on B-RAD in the background. Guy is legit having a panic attack and it’s so funny. I love Brad the dad!

I’m in a really tough spot now. I understand the frustrations that the girls have in the house with Cara. I have them too. However, having her as a partner forced me to accept the things that she does and also understand why she does it.

I truly don’t think Cara believes “SHE IS THE STORYLINE” as she claims on Twitter. I believe that she feels she has to be. Being considered “the best” is a lot of pressure. Down here at rockbottom is actually pretty chill, considering it can only get better. I still think she’s annoying but I blame MTV for that. If you’re not insecure, you’re not living. She just wants to be loved like the rest of us. If only she could communicate that differently I think she’d be much more tolerable. It’s lonely at the top. Ask John.

As a native New Yorker, when I see something, I say something. I defended Cara not because of where I stood on the Lavender Lady “totem poll,” but because I didn’t agree with how she was being treated. Believe it or not, I’m a decent human being at the end of the day. My friends will never have any control over what I think is wrong or right. Had I still been on Vendettas with the Kayleigh incident, it would have never went down.

As I tell the girls to leave Cara alone, Ashley calls me a loser. The way I mock her with “OH I’M A LOSER TO ASHLEY?” is cringeworthy. I hate my voice. That being said, the entire time Ashley was popping off, her tits were popping out. That’s where my comment came from when I called her “whore.” I wonder if I’ll be harassed for slut-shaming when the episode airs. I’m sorry, Ash. If you’re a whore, I’m a whore. <3 B.F.F.N (best friends for now.) Also—I def need a GIF of Amanda flailing her arms when she’s in the bedroom yelling at Cara. Wish we could have heard what she was saying. Still made me laugh. (Editor’s Note: If you can make that GIF, drop it in the comments.)

After things finally settle down, I try to calmly talk to the LL’s outside. Believe it or not, Amanda was actually the most reasonable one throughout this entire situation. When Cara walked into the room earlier it was poor timing. The issue (Ashley) had already been put to bed… literally.

Amanda calls it as she sees it, but she wasn’t the reason everything popped off like it did. She received the brunt of the grief from Cara, but TBH she really hadn’t done anything that night to deserve it. When I said “Cara knows I talk sh*t about her,” I meant it. Cara and I literally discussed that in order for me to stay in cahoots with the LL’s I had to continue hating her openly. The second I became team Cara would be the second we became public enemy number one. Welp!

At Redemption, things are going just as swimmingly as it is at the main house. Kayleigh and Natalie have finally decided to speak, and I’m excited. Natalie lets kay know that she doesn’t do things to act maliciously… she just acts. A heated debate erupts over Natalie being a lesbian and I feel this could have been easily avoided if someone would just define the term Pansexual to Kayleigh. Big difference. (I’m joking. Don’t be weird.) In a crazy turn of events, Natalie doesn’t react like a robot, she blows up. For the first time I think we’re seeing an unmasked Natalie. Take it in, it won’t last long.

We get to the daily challenge, and no one is excited. Cara and I go first and show every team after us exactly what NOT to do. I remember trying to arch my back as much as possible so that my butt would look good for the camera guy. It sucks to suck. It sucks even more when TJ tells you that you suck the whole time that you’re sucking. I work better with constructive criticism, TEEJ (CARA). Johnny and Tony get the W and it looks like we are in for a REAL TREAT next elimination. Spoiler alert: WE ARE IN FOR A REAL TREAT NEXT ELIMINATION.

With Bananony safe and armed with the power vote things are about to get messy… and you can’t spell messy WITHOUT ME. 😉 Let me know your thoughts on tonight’s episode in the comments below!

P.S. I may have definitely tossed Ashley across the room during that argument in the bedroom… and by “may have definitely” I mean definitely. I’m surprised they didn’t show it but I assume it’s because of the backlash they would receive due to their decision to send Kailah and Mel home this season. BUT—if they didn’t show it, it didn’t happen right?

Later Haters!

Images: MTV; Giphy (3)

This week my birthday month celebrations finally caught up with me and I’ve been sick all week. I wasn’t planning on writing a recap for last night’s episode until I woke up this morning and saw that both Cara and Paulie, two people who may be biased in their recaps, wrote one… and I’m not letting Shane go down like that. I loved this episode, maybe because I love Shane, maybe because I love pettiness…. either way, here’s MY recap of The Challenge: Final Reckoning episode 8!

We begin the episode where we left off in Armageddon, where team bad girls, and everyone else, was blindsided by TJ’s twist of mercenaries. This season, mercenaries don’t just take you out of the game, they take your place. Pan to me saying “That’s f*cked up,” and that’s exactly how I feel. The teams had to punch themselves through walls in order to win the elimination, and unfortunately Faith couldn’t pull it off. That being said, Angela broke those walls down like they were cardboard, and I’m sad we won’t get to see her perform fully…. or will we? Before leaving, Angela tells the camera that Kam and Kayleigh “need to fix their wig, and their nose.” I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS REUNION. Ashley/Hunter join the game and everyone is ecstatic… except, of course, Johnny and myself/Cara. With Ashley in the house, we fall lower on the totem pole of who I considered my allies. Ashley’s hella fun, though—so I’m still not THAT upset.

While Ashley and Hunter move into the main house, we are made aware that Kyle (with his newest boo sent to redemption) now has his eyes on SmAshley. Ashley looks HELLA good this season, so can we blame him? Last week Cara told Faith it was a bad idea as a “rookie” to come after a man who’s had previous relations with someone in the house—I wonder if her feelings are different now that Kyle has his eyes on Ash, a VET, and former CHAMPION in the house. The answer is no, because Cara is a hypocrite. The boys take bets on how long it will take Kyle to get Ashley in bed… I wonder who won with a <24 hours bet… cause that would’ve been mine. What kind of girl would get with a guy night one??? OH right, ME, last season on vendettas, when I drunkenly chalked Kyle before Cara could get her claws in him. I feel you Smash—and in the name of women empowerment… you get yours HONEY! Ash realizes quickly it may not have been the best idea to swap booty with Captain Kyle and quickly decides to keep it a “secret”, even from her partner Hunter. Hunter is worried that Ashley may be…. well typical Ashley… and start stirring some unnecessary drama early in the game. Hunter may be smarter than he looks… maybe.

The sun rises, and Shady Shane thinks it’s a good idea to apologize to Davonne for calling her a b*tch. Davonne is a smart girl, a very very smart girl, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Shane’s motives to apologize may not be genuine. Davonne calls bullsh*t in her interview, while Shane explains he’s trying to confuse her into thinking they’re friends. They agree to start fresh, but Davonne lets us know that it’s one strike with her and you’re out. She’s playing Shane in this conversation as much as Shane thinks he’s playing her. It’s clear this new vendetta, even with an “apologetic” Shane, is still very much real.

P.S. How gorgeous is Day? All of her interviews get me so HYPE. She is ferocious and the kind of woman this show needs.
P.P.S. We also need Shane, because who doesn’t love a mean queen? #PETTYLIVESMATTER

We finally get a day out at the winery, and it’s obvious where the cliques stand… or sit (as we are at a picnic). We start with an interview from Ashley reminding us Joss is “god’s gift to women” and we cut to what might be the hottest reel of a guy coming out of the water ever. Joss, we love you!

During the outing Johnny lets the world know that his days are numbered. With so many new faces on the show, everyone’s coming for the number one spot, and currently that lies with Cara and Johnny as the faces of the challenge. Cara tells Johnny the lavender ladies “think they’re famous” and I just threw my amoxicillin at the TV. Cara makes me sick sometimes, and apparently still makes me sick, because now I lost my medicine. On the way home Shane tries to tell Cara why people hate her and while it doesn’t show it, I did stick up for her. While I agree with everything Shane is saying, she’s still my partner. I can’t stick up for her too much, however, because if the lavender ladies hate me, #TEAMCARAMARIE are done in this game. Back at the house, my wonderful partner Cara tells Johnny about the bus ride, even dropping my name as to someone who addressed her, even after I stuck up for her (typical). This is where perhaps my favorite challenge scene EVER begins.

Johnny decides to call Shane over to address his recent dragging of Cara, and here comes the FIREWORKS… or maybe it’s the laser beams LOL. Johnny tells Shane he loves him to death (eye roll) and that he needs to stop. Even Tony, his partner, recognizes how much of a d*ck John can be. Johnny tells Shane to put his helmet on so maybe he can grow some confidence. Cue hero music, Shane requests his helmet and lets Johnny know that he is a narcissistic sociopath. Johnny, not knowing the definition of either word Shane used to describe him, thinks Shane is calling him self-conscious. I have now replayed this scene 10 times, and every time I do, it doesn’t get less funny. Whether you love or hate Shane, you can’t deny you had a good laugh with this argument.

Back at Redemption, TJ shows up to share surveillance with the currently eliminated teams. This time, the footage shows Ashley and Kyle getting down and dirty and Faith is upset. Veronica speaks for all of us when she says “are we really that shocked”?

Cut to a team convo with team bad girls, and Angela is being a great friend/partner helping Faith understand how much of a dirty pirate Kyle really is. I hope and pray team bad girls get back into the main house, because there is nothing scarier than a woman scorned, or in Kyle’s case… two women scorned.

We get to the daily challenge, where TJ tells us we will be playing a good old fashioned game of rugby, in two teams. Whichever team wins the challenge will have the task of nominating an MVP whom will win the power vote. Since Kam/Kayleigh won the last challenge, they had the opportunity to chose which team they’d like to join. What isn’t explained is that only same-gendered players can tackle each other. With Kam/Kay choosing to the orange team, this automatically gives us a HUGE advantage as the yellow team only has two females and we have six. Let’s not forget the GIGANTIC dudes the orange team has as well with Kyle, Brad, Tony, Zach, and Hunter all rocking with us. This leaves the yellow team consisting of Shane, Nelson, Davonne, Jozea, Johnny, Tony, and Joss and Sylvia. With the winning team getting the coveted opportunity to vote MVP, it doesn’t look great for Shane and Nelson since two of the four teams literally loathe him. Shane realizes this early, and in a hilarious interview between him and his partner Nelson, he lets Nelson know that they cannot win today’s challenge. TBH they weren’t going to win anyway…. but that’s not what makes this so hilarious.

We kick off the challenge and with ease. The orange team grabs the first win (out of a best of three scenario). While it wasn’t necessary for Shane to make it so obvious that he was throwing the challenge… you gotta love him for it. The quick shots of him prancing/sitting down on the field are enough to make any petty lover happy. As predicted, the orange team wins, but not before Jozea realizes Shane’s plan. The yellow team is PISSED and we get some hilarious bickering between Jozea and Shane. I love Shane so much, but I really do hope Jozea “wears his Louis to the reunion” and stomps on Shane’s head. Is anyone else super excited for this reunion? Shane mentions Jozea’s songs suck, but admittedly says in his interview he doesn’t like Jozea, so he’s gonna say whatever he can to piss him off. While I am #TeamShane … for now …. Jozea’s song really is fire and I suggest you all give it a listen here.

Next week’s preview shows me crying because “I can’t trust my friends.”  I honestly can’t remember why I’m upset, but regardless, A sad/mad Marie is not one you want to miss. Perhaps it’s time to switch alliances????? This season is just starting to heat up… and I cannot wait for the world to meet MARNIE (my crazy alter ego who gives zero f*cks)

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!! Let me know what you thought of Shane’s plan in the comments!!

Images: Giphy (2); MTV (2)