The Trivia challenge last week left Natalie and Paulie in the power seat. Paulie says he wants to wreak havoc with their vote. I laughed just as hard as I did when I saw who he decided to move in with (Ashley and Sylvia) upon rejoining the game.
If there’s one thing we’ve learned about PaNatalie, it’s that they do not discriminate when it comes to alliances. You see, the beauty of coming in after a two-month vacay, is that no one hates you as much as they hate each other. While the audience and #Banony may have been duped into thinking #PaNatalie would be another number for our side, they were wrong… and I was aware.
With #PaNatalie in power, #Banony feels confident that the Lavender Young Bucks will come after me and Cara. Why in the world would you risk going against the “strongest” team in the house so close to a finale? The answer is Shane. Shane knows that if John is picked, John will take the easiest road possible. Obviously, he will, because he’s not dumb like Nelson. I also know that if ANYONE is picked, #CaraMarie lights up as an option for Armageddon. We’re going to be that easy road. With Paulie and Natalie keeping their votes close to their chest, and Banony doing the same, the only way we can pull this off is to work with the other side.
At this point in the game, I’m basically playing everyone. If I were to go against anyone directly, it would give them an excuse they need to pull us into elimination. Perhaps if we didn’t spend 40 minutes last week listening to #TYB chants, we could’ve squeezed in my not-so-sincere apology. But it doesn’t matter anyway. At the end of the day, friends or not, I knew they all wanted to take me to the final… and I was 100% okay with that. Cara agreed to let me take the lead. Our livelihood was in the hands of my former BFF’s, so when you can’t beat them… re-join them.
Back over in Redemption, Kayleigh, Kam, and Brad are speculating as to who will be joining them next. Kayleigh asks if the boys will relocate if Nelson and Shane were to walk in. We are reminded in this moment how much of a hardo these guys still have for #Shanelly. Kam tells us to bring the pity party somewhere else because she doesn’t care… and neither do we. The last time Kyle and Brad came face to face with their opposition (Paulie) they held hands skipping around Redemption and even saved them from going home in the Redemption elimination. Before we head back to the main house for a different kind of pity party, Brad the Dad reminds us of his finance background and Nelson’s poor credit score.
#BaNatalie lovey scene. Corny. Moving on.
At the bar, I decide it’s best to address the LL’s a bit differently than the last time. However, if things were to pop off again, you know for DAMN sure I am going to milk that head butt for all it’s worth. While ordering drinks I casually drop, “Acceptance feels happy.” This is my way of letting them know that I don’t plan to light the house on fire… again. Ashley assures me that they are voting for Bananas but I still feel her word is as fake as her weave.
At this point, we have nothing to do but “trust” them since we feel we’re going in regardless. Sylvia and Shane threaten me and I don’t care. Typically I’d pop off but at this point, I need to play nice. I didn’t want to help with their plan, but I wanted to make it seem like I did. Natalie is getting close to Hunter and Nelson so much so that Nelly calls her his girl who’s “a little dancer on the dance floor.” I don’t like Nelson if you haven’t gathered, but I do LOVE watching him on TV.
In nominations, I am in dire need of botox, makeup, lighting, AND WATER. I hide under my blanket as the scene drags on. I’m mortified. I went from 25 to 55 all in five minutes. Don’t judge—you’ve been there too, b*tches. I tell Cara the info I gathered and we have a hearty laugh about how stupid of a move we think it is.
It’s admirable to call out a strong team, it’s also admirable to be a millionaire… but what do I know. Knowing that John and Tony were going in, and potentially winning, we actually told the boys before we left about the Lavender plan. In case they do come back, we need them more than ever. The LL’s follow through with their plan as we gather to head over to Armageddon.
In Armageddon, Cara and I look super shocked, and that’s because TJ let us know that two teams received zero votes. Paulie and Natalie, and me and Cara. HOLY SH*T! They’re actuating doing it. Like Ashley says, “Better them than me.” In the elimination, ring sits to pools and it’s freezing out. BETTER THEM THAN ME IS RIGHT!
Tony and John decide to choose Sylvia and Joss, and I immediately disagree with their choice. DO NOT SLEEP ON SYLVIA. Considering it seemed to entail a puzzle it would have been of great benefit to not only Banony, but viewers at home, to chose Ashley and Hunter, or Shane and Nelson. I smirk imagining all the bickering we could’ve been blessed with.
Considering the number of times Shane yells at Joss, you’d think he was in there himself. I’m sad this didn’t happen and decide to remain quiet for the remainder of the elimination. When you’re playing with both sides, you can’t root for one or the other (duh). I NEED Banony to win—without them, we’re just living in Cara and Marie land. Which BTW, If we DO win this million dollars, Cara and Marie land will FOR SURE be a thing. Horses will roam free, PIZZA WILL BE DELIVERED, and #BYOB will be required so I can get high off of your supply. Hehe.
Sylvia is super confident going into this. Part of me wants her to win. At the end of the day, a male-male team in the finale will crush all of us. In fact, we might as well just lay on the floor when TJ blows the whistle because this entire Challenge has been a CROCK OF SH*T. How Cara and I are still alive is beyond me. Fast forward: Sylvia and Joss win. Woo.
As the LL’s celebrate, John and Tony stand by the fire to warm up. And boy, are they warming up. I’ve never been as attracted to Bananas as I am in this moment. I’m a hater, but I’m also not blind, the guy looks good. Tony has some great one-liners regarding the architects and his humor is truly under appreciated. Tony is one of the funniest guys in the house. Bye Banony. We will miss you… and by we I mean Cara and me.
Bananas lands in Redemption and immediately begins boiling water. He tells Kayleigh about Nelson and Natalie and their cuddle season. As someone who was there, it did happen. Did they take it to an inappropriate level? No… but if that was my boyfriend, any proximity to a woman smaller than 10 feet is a reason to fight. I wish Brad would explain the importance of credit scores to her at this moment so she can know that NELSON AIN’T SH*T.
It’s challenge day, and SURPRISE SURPRISE, There’s a purge. If it wasn’t for *someone’s* inability to walk in a straight line (Nelson). How the hell were female teams supposed to win? Paulie and Natalie crush this challenge, and suddenly I understand why Cara is attracted to Paulie. On a serious note though, this guy is an athlete. Him and Natalie in this game—and any game moving forward—should be considered a threat.
In true Nelson fashion, he f*cks up royally and Cara and I MIGHT JUST HAVE A CHANCE. Nelly gets halfway through riding and rolling logs around, hanging on to it like it’s Shane’s dong. Cara and I are up last. And of course, Mother Nature decides to join the fun. By the time we get up there, it’s raining lightning-ing. ALL WE NEED IS ONE FLAG.
Spoiler: we don’t get any flag. But Cara does make it further than Nelson, so we’re safe. At this point, I was receiving hate-tweets trolling me like “UGH YOU HAD ONE JOB!” First and foremost, I’d bet the prize money that you idiots couldn’t do it. Second, I was in utter shock. I thought Cara was going to take a breath before coming across but she just went for it. I was not prepared. It felt like it was happening in slow motion. Why is no one looking at Joss, Nelson, Shane, or Sylvia? Bring your hate somewhere else, I don’t care. I’m happy I’m not going to Redemption, but sad that I will miss Johnny’s face when Shane and Nelson walk in. KARMA.
We leave off with Kayleigh, Nelson, and John in room and Bananas isn’t backing down. This is the mischievous asshole we know and love. I enjoy watching Nelson squirm. Next week, Redemption beef will come to a head as two of those four extremely strong teams will finally go home for good. It’s time to SHUT DOWN Redemption, FOLKS! LET IT BURN.
Next week we’ll get a double elimination…. and SURPRISE SURPRISE, a purge. F*CK YOU. GOODNIGHT.
Images: Giphy (2); MTV (4)
Last week I taught everyone a lesson not to sleep on me. This week on Final Reckoning week 16, we begin with Nelson and Brad trying to teach each other a lesson as well. Brad told Kayleigh he wants to give her toilet paper for all the sh*t she talks, and Nelson wasn’t having it. As a war breaks out after the Redemption elimination (where Natalie and I came through in one of the biggest upsets this season) Nelson continues to beg Brad to spank his ass. Brad drops a bomb comeback: “You line up a motherf*cking fight, and I’ll meet you in your weight class, b*tch!”
I’m just wondering why MTV hasn’t jumped on top of this opportunity yet. “Call the Lawyers.” Give the people what they want! The losing teams head back to Redemption and no one is more excited than Cara to have #PaNatalie back in the house. TJ wasn’t lying when he said I went from “cigarettes and sadness to happiness, and let’s do this!” I’m pumped to be back in the main house. Can’t say the LL’s feel the same.
On the bus to Redemption, Kam takes the opportunity to make fun of the boys’ loss to #PaNatalie. #TeamBB literally spent almost two months in Redemption and their first win came against the so-called “powerhouse” duo that is Kyle and Brad. Kam’s okay with her loss because Cara is a legend, and Brad reminds her that I’m part of that team as well… Since when am I not a legend? Show some damn respect, boys. Don’t make me pull out the toilet paper, Brad.
At the main house, Johnny is super excited to have Natalie back. In true passive-aggressive fashion, Natalie brings up Angela, and Johnny asks, “who?” What you don’t see is Johnny hanging the panties Angela left him over Natalie’s bed. Call me old-fashioned, but this and many other reasons is why I never leave a thong behind. Come on girls, do better.
Outside, Devin and Cory discuss their almost flawless game. Considering they’ve only participated in one challenge thus far, I can’t disagree. We are then reminded of what drives the boys as they plan for their first challenge wins: Devin is here to make his later father proud, and Cory is here to promote Teen Mom. Just kidding. Kind of.
We get another adorable picture of Ryder, Cory’s daughter, and I can hear my uterus sigh. MTV makes parenthood so appealing. Had I known Teen Mom was dropping the “Teen” qualification for the show, I may have never gotten a #Smushmortion. I’m KIDDING. *sweats profusely* Cory and Devin agree it’s best to act oblivious and remain low-key. Good idea. What could PASTAbly go wrong?
We head to the bar/dead restaurant and Cory lets us know DADDY’S EATING GOOD TONIGHT. I’m not usually turned on when someone calls themselves Daddy, but tonight is different. Cory, if you want another baby… I’m potty trained… most nights. We get a quick shot of me and Sylvia talking in the background, and this was actually her apologizing to me. I can definitely hold a grudge, but in a Challenge house, it’s hard to. I may or may not need her allegiance moving forward. There are millions of reasons I decided to let the head-butt go, and they all spell money. Right, Nelson?
On the way home we’re continuing to enjoy our time together… and our leftovers. Within minutes the bus goes from 0 to 100 after Tony decides to throw Cory’s pasta out the window. The girls and I head inside, not knowing how serious this all would end, and I’m pissed I didn’t see it firsthand. Cory blindsides Tony with a backward trip/flip and again, I’m turned on. I guess there’s just something about food fights that get me going.
The house is in a total uproar as both sides plead their case. Devin is sure that they must have slipped and Bananas is positive that they didn’t. The only thing I know is that Shane must have taught Nelson a new word this week. Nelson goes on to use the word “amplify” as many times as possible before the end of the episode. Good job Nelly, but can you spell it?
Johnny brings Tony into one of the interview rooms as the audience gets a behind-the-scenes look into how we do things. Bougie, right? John takes full advantage of being “the victim” and tells us that severe emotional traumas can really bring people together. Shut up. Tony and Cory both head to the hotel and no one knows what’s going to happen. Sylvia embraces her new villain role outside as she talks to Joss about the possibilities of both teams leaving. Why do I get Little Mermaid Ursula vibes here?
Once Tony and Cory leave, John is left alone with the gang mentality that makes up TYB. I’m never one to feel bad for John, but this was so obnoxious. Nelson literally woke our entire room up just to “amp” sh*t up and see John’s veins pop out of his head. Johnny lets Nelson know he doesn’t want to speak to idiots and this cues Devin, “the smart one”, to tap in.
Johnny is getting followed around the house by TYB. Even I’m getting annoyed. You’re not going to hit him, so can’t we all just go to bed? I’m not sure why Devin decides to follow John out to the front of the house since he already lives inside his head, but he does. John reaches his breaking point and hits Devin so low that even Nelson can see it on his tippy toes: “I hope the apple fell far from the tree because you’re a piece of sh*t.” OH, HELL TO THE N-O. It is never EVER appropriate to bring up someone’s deceased family, ESPECIALLY in this situation. #TeamDevin.
The following day John has cooled down and gives a lackluster apology to the camera. Do we believe him? I’m not sure… but I’d like to give anyone the benefit of the doubt when it comes to being such a piece of sh*t. Tony returns to the house hoping for some TYB sympathy, but no one cares. Cory returns to the house and apologizes to Devin. I’m happy we can move past the pasta… turns out, TJ can’t though.
Apparently, this week production doesn’t condone physical violence and Cory and Devin are gone. Can someone say game-changer? I hate to see them leave, but LOVE to watch them walk away. See you in the states, boys! I have a hearty laugh when John asks “who put a knuckle in Joss?” because it’s true. I catch some secondhand embarrassment for Joss but remember he’s beautiful so I don’t feel bad. It’s Challenge time!
Its TJ’s favorite Challenge, Trivia! Typically I’d be excited about something that uses my brain, but these challenges always seem to have some sort of sadistic twist to them. This time, it’s standing 35 feet over water on a plank with a hammer kick to the bottom if you get 3 X’s…wonderful. Last time we did heights over water was the meat challenge. I’m not lying, if you don’t fall perfectly penciled that sh*t hurts and is also extremely dangerous (case in point, Leroy in the Vendetta car challenge). My face says it all as the contraption begins to lift.
I slowly walk out to the plank and begin to cry. This is my “I don’t want to be here” cry and can be spotted every Monday at 8am as I walk into work. Johnny surprisingly tries to calm me down as TJ notices Cara, like a disappointed dad, is NOT feeling this challenge either. Her face is DEAD as she gets up on the platform. I obviously screenshot Cara’s face and immediately set it as her contact picture in my phone.
We begin and I worry these questions were made for Nelson—any idiot can answer them. Me, Johnny, and Paulie all use our first X’s on Sylvia and Joss, and they’re out before they even get a question. Sylvia wonders when she’s gonna catch a break. Cue my eye roll. Quick to forget the head-butting incident, are we? As team #Sloss gets booted into the water the contraption shakes and down goes John. I would have laughed had I not been extremely terrified. Shane and Nelson are up next and use their correct answer to finish off Tony.
Shane and Nelson have two X’s when Nelson can’t remember the name of the elimination ring he fought in, several times, on Dirty Thirty. I’m not surprised and I’m NOT sad. See ya later, hater. Cara and I get ours correct and decide to use it on Ashley and Hunter. In hindsight, we probably should’ve used it on PaNatalie. We were in a much safer position if the opposing side won (they’d probably go for PaNatalie) and wouldn’t choose us to go against. I also believe that Ashley would’ve used her X on PaNatalie because they would’ve just axed her. Lapse of judgment.
It comes down to PaNatalie vs. Cara and me, and I’m praying they get this wrong. If they do, it’s back in our court. My prayers go unanswered as usual when I hear TJ say the word pizza. Paul’s been a super fan of the show and upon meeting him at the airport for departure he said: “You wanna pizza me?” I’m screwed. They answer correctly and TJ seems upset that I’d throw a pizza on Brad and Britni.
I plead my case that I simply delivered it and get rocked to the water. Two months in Redemption, near-death experience, and a pizza question leaves PaNatalie in a power spot. Ashley says she’s worried about their vote. She’s not sure who they’re aligned to, and neither am I. I felt this was worse-case scenario and sulked all the way to nominations.
What happens next? You won’t believe.
Next week’s episode is going to put a HUGE wrench in any Challenge fantasy games out there. Good luck kids, and remember, IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PASTA!
Peace and love,
Images: MTV (4); Giphy (2)
In last week’s recap, I apologized to The Challenge editing team. This week, I take it back. F*ck you. Last night’s episode was shocking for more than one reason. Not only did we get an elimination that was completely unexpected, but we also got another episode edit that made literally no sense. I’m beginning to wonder if John puts these things together himself. Luckily I have been granted the opportunity to write this recap and let everyone know the TRUTH about what really went on.
Before we jump into this week, let’s recap last week: Kyle and Brad got eliminated and were sent to Redemption, where an underwhelming meet-and-greet with their enemy Paulie wasted five minutes of my life. Zach and Amanda embarrassed everyone with how quickly they took the day’s W. I was the only cast member to actually build a makeshift stick out of twigs because my partner has lost complete sight of the game.
This week we pick up right where we left off. Zach and Amanda need to decide where to place their power vote. While winning is a great way to NEVER get eliminated (or so we thought) Amanda lets us know that her win is bittersweet as she and Zach can’t seem to get on the same page. Outside Zach is b*tching about Amanda and the fact that he always gets paired with girl rivals. Here’s a thought, Zach: maybe stop arguing with only female players and perhaps your luck will change. Nelson tells Zach that he wants to get Bananas out, and Zach begins to cry at the thought of losing his BFF Tony.
At this point in the game, Jozea and Davonne need to pick a side. The power of their rogue vote has come to an end. Cara tells them that’s a good place to be as the two main alliances begin to attempt wooing them to their side. Cara was made aware by ME, her partner, that the LL’s had plans to align their votes and come for the king of fruit, Bananas. But this wasn’t always the plan. In fact, it was my actions that forced their decision to do so… but we’ll get to that later.
Apparently, that makeshift stick of twigs I made last week is also up an editor’s ass this season as they begin to paint the idea that John was the mastermind behind this week’s nomination choices. I wonder if they too have a lackluster sex tape with John. The sun goes down and Banony invites Cara for a jog outside. I wasn’t invited to this pow-wow because a) Johnny thinks I’m a double agent (which was true), and b) I never agree to a late-night jog session or jog in general ever.
Bananas knows he has no friends and needs to rally some votes to keep him out of elimination. He suggests to Cara that we should vote for Shanelly, but she lets him know I’d never say Shane’s name (unless of course we had agreed to it for our benefit *See most nomination burns for reference.*) I like that she finally acknowledges here that in order to do anything in this game she’s going to need my help. Except for playing with her hair… I’d never touch that. They agree to vote for Ashley and Hunter, and we head over to the Redemption house where Kyle and Paulie share a space other than Cara’s vagina.
Upstairs in the Redemption house, we get what I feel should be the biggest takeaway from the episode, the importance of eyebrows. Kam agrees that Kayleigh’s eyebrows are Insta-worthy and I bet, like myself, you’re all wishing you were blessed with stunning eyebrows as well. If, like me, your eyebrow game isn’t strong, and your ability to fake them with makeup is even worse… I highly suggest googling microblading. Life. Changing.
Downstairs we finally get the interaction between Kyle and Paulie we deserve. Last week, Paulie decided it’s best to play cool with Kyle, but now he’s had a change of heart. Paulie lets everyone know that he should’ve come into the game single and f*cked Cara. We all know if you keep up with this show outside of just the show in any regard, that at the end that didn’t matter regardless. Paulie explains that he didn’t realize Kyle had feelings for Cara since he was getting wet with Faith in the hot tub day one. Kyle thinks Paulie is a sheep and that his ex-girlfriend is f*ckable. I laugh.
I laugh harder when Paulie says that if things were to get physical between the two, Kyle would end up looking like his pre-surgery self. Who says girls can only start drama? While I never condone violence, I definitely crossed my fingers hoping these two would hit each other. Sidenote: Why does Kyle always squeak when he’s trying to be a tough guy? Classic “I’m a lover, not a fighter” reaction. They both deserve a good spanking. Where’s Cara when you need her?
At the main house, Nelson puts on his thinking cap and approaches Da’Vonne in the bedroom. Shoutout to lil’ momma for coining the term “mental bum” during Champs V. Stars, because that’s exactly what Nelson is. Apparently, Day and Nelson went to the same school, but I find that hard to believe considering the massive difference between their intelligence. Nelson provides me with another hilarious #OOTD in his leather jacket. Nelson has no clue about the temperature in this house, literally and figuratively.
In the living room, John attempts to gain the support of #TeamBB. If he is able to rally three votes, he believes HE can force a tie scenario in elimination. With Zach in the power seat, John knows that this is his safest bet. John lets Da’Vonne and Jozea know he’s on a “need to know basis” and the following information is something that I believe the audience NEEDS TO KNOW:
After the daily challenge, I was made aware by Hunter that if I voted him in, he would choose Cara and me. For someone who barks big in the interviews they show about coming for Bananas, this was never the case. By continuing my relationship with the LL’s I knew that their votes were not all aligned in the beginning as their original plan was to go after me and Cara.
Shane, being my bestie, would not agree with this move. Had the team stuck to this plan, The votes would have fallen 3-2. If this went down, Ashley and Hunter would receive the most votes and Cara and I would definitely face them in elimination. Being privy to both sides of the spectrum, and the idea that the LL’s thought our side was coming for Shane, I let Ashley know that the plan had changed and they would be the team we targeted. By doing so, I brought out Paranoid Pam in Ashley. She rallied her troops as expected to come together as one and vote for Banony.
Nobody wants to knowingly go into elimination, even if it’s against me and Cara. I knew that if Ashley got the majority of the votes, Cara and I were going in. I also knew that if we could somehow force a tie, the decision would come down to Zach and Amanda. Both of whom had made it clear to everyone that they would not back down to each other’s wishes. We didn’t know what would happen if the power team could not come to a decision… but a 50/50 chance of going in was way better odds.
Another thing to point out was that Da’Vonne was on board with this plan from the very beginning. She had no reason to align with the LL’s pecking orders. They’ve been the the ones who’ve attempted to take her out. The girl isn’t stupid. By her going to Ashley and letting her THINK she was on board with their plan to vote in John, she made the LL’s more confident to follow through. They assumed Bananas would take a safe bet going against #TeamBB if voted into elimination.
It’s the night before nominations and Amanda and Zach still can’t seem to get on the same page. Tony says tomorrow’s elimination will show everyone’s cards—and it will. Zach is 1,000 percent positive that Tony will never say his name. He lets Amanda and Ashley know he’d put his entire bank account on that. I die from laughter when Ashley says “What, all two dollars?” and the camera zooms in on her ripping her cig.
Bananas thinks Amanda is the spawn of Satan because she’s calling him on his bullsh*t. Zach reminds her that she might be Satan since she hoped Cara’s horse died. Amanda replies with “At least I didn’t wish for her to die,” and she has a point. Amanda is a whole mood this episode. She tells Zach to stop acting like a “bad b*tch.” Hate her or love her… I LOVE HER.
At Armageddon, the votes fall as planned. Zach and Amanda must chose between Banony and Hunter and Ashley. After a snippy back-and-forth, TJ tells them if they can’t decide on who goes in, they’re going in. Zach unzips his jacket and walks down. I am Sylvia when they show her say “WHAT” in slow motion. I am also myself when I laugh in shock at the fact that this just happened. This couldn’t have gone any better for me and Cara.
Since Amanda and Zach were supposed to be safe, they now have to choose who will face them in elimination. Amanda is in shock that she has to play in street clothes just because Zach has one friend in life other than Jenna. They decide to chose Da’Vonne and Jozea. Day lets us all know exactly how she feels, especially towards Ashley and Hunter who are “b*tches.” I’m #TEAMDAY here. I really needed her to pull out this upset.
Just when we think we’re about to see a BB vs. Zach/Amanda elimination, TJ calls out a pair of new mercenaries, Devin and Cory. While I never hate some good eye candy, this team will in no way benefit my game. They both adamantly hate John, and by default, Cara as well. Devin is here to remind Bananas why he’s a piece of sh*t human. Cory is here to take home that money to his baby, Ryder. PS: Cory has now joined the Teen Mom family on MTV and I couldn’t be more excited to stalk their adorable little family on social media.
Both Team Day and Zach/Amanda lose to Cory and Devin and this is HUGE. Had they come together as a team and made a decision, I’d bet my entire bank account (that may or may not be two dollars) that after this weekend’s festivities, Zach and Amanda were going to win this entire thing.
Next week find out what happens when the target readjusts to #TeamCaraMarie. I’ve been told this episode will be the greatest episode in recent seasons. Get ready for some badass Marie moments, and a good old-fashioned head-butt.
What did you think of this week’s INSANE elimination results?
Images: MTV (8); Giphy (1)
Before we jump into this week’s recap, there is something I’d like to address: After last week, I got into a war of words with Paulie via Twitter. I apologize to all the Twitter feeds I blew up that morning, as well as to Paulie. I’m sorry for saying you have a Napoleon complex. It’s not your fault that you’re short.
Now that I’ve cleared the air, last week Da’Vonne and Jozea were the stars of the show, losing in elimination and then pulling the double cross. This week’s MVP goes out to Natalie’s chest (if you remember anything from this episode other than how out and about her boobs were, I applaud you). If you got them, flaunt them, ladies!
We begin the episode poolside with Johnny making fun of a female player’s appearance. This is typical John behavior. My typical behavior: netting the pool so I can eavesdrop and get that good gossip. Amanda declares that if it wasn’t for this show, and Bananas being who he is on this show, Angela wouldn’t look twice. I agree with this. A short white guy is an off-brand choice for her.
Johnny retaliates by telling Amanda she would have no shot with Joss if it wasn’t for the show. A camera pans to my “oh no he didn’t” face, which sums up how I, and everyone watching, feel. Johnny also suggests that the female cast only hates Angela “cause they ain’t her.” The way he says this makes me cringe. I’m not Angela, but I don’t hate her for it. I totally blame my parents for my oily skin and resting bitch face.
At the redemption house, Angela informs some players that Nelson needs to control Shane. News flash, no one can control Shane. He’s “SHANELESS.” Jozea feels big and bad after pulling the double cross and warns that he’s on a kill mission. Whenever I watch Jozea interviews I always think of the donkey from Shrek. I mean that in the nicest way. He’s entertaining to watch.
Angela and Faith decide to place their bets on Da’Vonne and Jozea, saying their names at redemption elimination. Not to be whatever, but like, you all had no choice. Loyalty in the Challenge house can only go so far.
Faith says her nieces are more intimidating than Veronica, and I will forever decline any family gathering invites from Faith moving forward. Veronica scares the sh*t out of me.
Redemption players head out to the bar for what could be their last night out. After Tori flipped out on Jozea when they entered the house, Derrick knows the chances of his team getting picked are slim. In his last attempt, Derrick decides to turn up the charm with Da’Vonne. Before Da’Vonne even has to explain her extreme lack of interest in this situation, I start laughing at the idea that Derrick is really trying to go there. Da’Vonne is not the one, and neither are you, Derrick.
Natalie tells Paulie that she and Jozea have a million dollar friendship and trusts the fact that they will pick team PaNatalie as their opponents. I trust this too as. 1) They are all from Big Brother, and 2) Team Bad Girls are hella good.
At the main house, Kam is worried that one of the three teams she sent to Redemption may get back in the game. Meanwhile, Kyle’s still trying to figure out how the game works. Sylvia wonders if Paulie will freak out again. I wonder why someone told me that a pink turtleneck was a good idea.
Zach and Cara are having a one-on-one outside and Zach, AGAIN, speaks highly of Jenna. It’s really cute to see him finally treat her right. Cara appreciates that Zach has her back but acknowledges what I’ve been alluding to this whole time: Amanda, and the majority of the main house, dislike Cara.
Ashley has no problem getting rid of #TeamCaraMarie, and TBH I wanted to get rid of it too. The editing of the show is letting her get off easy this season. Cara is the worst.
Angela lets Faith know that she plans on reading everyone for filth at the elimination. Meanwhile, Natalie and Paulie are having a pow-wow in the kitchen. Here is the moment I stopped listening: I spent this entire scene fixated on Natalie’s breast and the high probability of a nip-slip. You’re lying if you weren’t staring too.
It’s time for elimination, but not before some players get their final word. Angela lets us know that she is our “Armageddon tonight.” It’s silent. Everyone is confused. Once Angela is done yelling, an eager Natalie speaks up to let Kam know she is disappointed in her.
PaNatalie were the ones to chose Kamleigh for their elimination, so what’s going on? Is she mad because she lost or because she lost to Kam? Either way, I find her annoying.
Faith ends the “reading” by letting Kyle and the rest of the house know that she saw him sleep with Ashley. Just when we were about to finally say goodbye to the Kyle/Cara drama, a new flame ignites. Can we PLEASE for the love of God be done with it? The answer is no, BTW.
Big Brother chooses Big Brother as we watch a rematch of the first redemption elimination. Natalie is happy that her friends “are the realest of the realest” and I can’t help but laugh at how fake that sounds. Unlike the first elimination between these teams, the challenge is a puzzle. Like first redemption elimination, PaNatalie loses. Kyle booing is everyone right now.
Both Ashley and Sylvia called out Natalie’s poor performance. How vigorously do we think Cara is hitting her keyboard to defend Natalie in her weekly recap? Get ready for the “empowering female” tweets that praise Natalie (while also shading other women on the show). You heard it here first.
Downstairs at the main house, Hunter lets Zach know that since Ashley lied to him about sleeping with Kyle, he can no longer trust her. Upstairs, Cara has similar sentiments to Hunter. She tells Nelson that Ashley has no concept of Girl Code. Sorry, back that up a sec. Am I hearing this right? Cara, honey, you do not get to call Girl Code on anyone. Not only did she aggressively pursue a taken man, but she betrayed my trust early on when she couldn’t keep my secrets. Cara is and always will be a hypocrite.
It’s challenge day and it’s time to eat sh*t. Throughout the elimination, people make note of how heavy their partners are. Cara was no exception. I was in the water before the whistle even blew. Later, she blames me for our lack of bags *pretends to be shocked*. I was most definitely not the problem on our team today, but I figured she’d say it was my fault.
Ashley and Hunter win the challenge with no problem; Hunter has perfected the art of eating absolutely anything. Since my team only had six bags, every other team only had to finish seven bags to stay safe from the purge. The eating challenge comes down to a battle between the girl/girl teams. Did I mention this season is extremely unfair?
We’re left off on a cliffhanger: Who will be purged? If Cara and I get eliminated today we join PaNatalie in redemption. Being stuck with the “Throuple” is at the top of my list of fears. Send me your prayers. I’m gonna need them.
Who do you think is joining PaNatalie in redemption?
Images: Giphy (5); MTV (2)