The Trivia challenge last week left Natalie and Paulie in the power seat. Paulie says he wants to wreak havoc with their vote. I laughed just as hard as I did when I saw who he decided to move in with (Ashley and Sylvia) upon rejoining the game.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about PaNatalie, it’s that they do not discriminate when it comes to alliances. You see, the beauty of coming in after a two-month vacay, is that no one hates you as much as they hate each other. While the audience and #Banony may have been duped into thinking #PaNatalie would be another number for our side, they were wrong… and I was aware.

With #PaNatalie in power, #Banony feels confident that the Lavender Young Bucks will come after me and Cara. Why in the world would you risk going against the “strongest” team in the house so close to a finale? The answer is Shane. Shane knows that if John is picked, John will take the easiest road possible. Obviously, he will, because he’s not dumb like Nelson. I also know that if ANYONE is picked, #CaraMarie lights up as an option for Armageddon. We’re going to be that easy road. With Paulie and Natalie keeping their votes close to their chest, and Banony doing the same, the only way we can pull this off is to work with the other side.

At this point in the game, I’m basically playing everyone. If I were to go against anyone directly, it would give them an excuse they need to pull us into elimination. Perhaps if we didn’t spend 40 minutes last week listening to #TYB chants, we could’ve squeezed in my not-so-sincere apology. But it doesn’t matter anyway. At the end of the day, friends or not, I knew they all wanted to take me to the final… and I was 100% okay with that. Cara agreed to let me take the lead. Our livelihood was in the hands of my former BFF’s, so when you can’t beat them… re-join them.

Back over in Redemption, Kayleigh, Kam, and Brad are speculating as to who will be joining them next. Kayleigh asks if the boys will relocate if Nelson and Shane were to walk in. We are reminded in this moment how much of a hardo these guys still have for #Shanelly. Kam tells us to bring the pity party somewhere else because she doesn’t care… and neither do we. The last time Kyle and Brad came face to face with their opposition (Paulie) they held hands skipping around Redemption and even saved them from going home in the Redemption elimination. Before we head back to the main house for a different kind of pity party, Brad the Dad reminds us of his finance background and Nelson’s poor credit score.

#BaNatalie lovey scene. Corny. Moving on.

At the bar, I decide it’s best to address the LL’s a bit differently than the last time. However, if things were to pop off again, you know for DAMN sure I am going to milk that head butt for all it’s worth. While ordering drinks I casually drop, “Acceptance feels happy.” This is my way of letting them know that I don’t plan to light the house on fire… again.  Ashley assures me that they are voting for Bananas but I still feel her word is as fake as her weave.

At this point, we have nothing to do but “trust” them since we feel we’re going in regardless. Sylvia and Shane threaten me and I don’t care. Typically I’d pop off but at this point, I need to play nice. I didn’t want to help with their plan, but I wanted to make it seem like I did. Natalie is getting close to Hunter and Nelson so much so that Nelly calls her his girl who’s “a little dancer on the dance floor.” I don’t like Nelson if you haven’t gathered, but I do LOVE watching him on TV.

In nominations, I am in dire need of botox, makeup, lighting, AND WATER. I hide under my blanket as the scene drags on. I’m mortified. I went from 25 to 55 all in five minutes. Don’t judge—you’ve been there too, b*tches. I tell Cara the info I gathered and we have a hearty laugh about how stupid of a move we think it is.

It’s admirable to call out a strong team, it’s also admirable to be a millionaire… but what do I know. Knowing that John and Tony were going in, and potentially winning, we actually told the boys before we left about the Lavender plan. In case they do come back, we need them more than ever. The LL’s follow through with their plan as we gather to head over to Armageddon.

In Armageddon, Cara and I look super shocked, and that’s because TJ let us know that two teams received zero votes. Paulie and Natalie, and me and Cara. HOLY SH*T! They’re actuating doing it. Like Ashley says, “Better them than me.” In the elimination, ring sits to pools and it’s freezing out. BETTER THEM THAN ME IS RIGHT!

Tony and John decide to choose Sylvia and Joss, and I immediately disagree with their choice. DO NOT SLEEP ON SYLVIA. Considering it seemed to entail a puzzle it would have been of great benefit to not only Banony, but viewers at home, to chose Ashley and Hunter, or Shane and Nelson. I smirk imagining all the bickering we could’ve been blessed with.

Considering the number of times Shane yells at Joss, you’d think he was in there himself. I’m sad this didn’t happen and decide to remain quiet for the remainder of the elimination. When you’re playing with both sides, you can’t root for one or the other (duh). I NEED Banony to win—without them, we’re just living in Cara and Marie land. Which BTW, If we DO win this million dollars, Cara and Marie land will FOR SURE be a thing. Horses will roam free, PIZZA WILL BE DELIVERED, and #BYOB will be required so I can get high off of your supply. Hehe.

Sylvia is super confident going into this. Part of me wants her to win. At the end of the day, a male-male team in the finale will crush all of us. In fact, we might as well just lay on the floor when TJ blows the whistle because this entire Challenge has been a CROCK OF SH*T. How Cara and I are still alive is beyond me. Fast forward: Sylvia and Joss win. Woo.

As the LL’s celebrate, John and Tony stand by the fire to warm up. And boy, are they warming up. I’ve never been as attracted to Bananas as I am in this moment. I’m a hater, but I’m also not blind, the guy looks good. Tony has some great one-liners regarding the architects and his humor is truly under appreciated. Tony is one of the funniest guys in the house. Bye Banony. We will miss you… and by we I mean Cara and me.

Bananas lands in Redemption and immediately begins boiling water. He tells Kayleigh about Nelson and Natalie and their cuddle season. As someone who was there, it did happen. Did they take it to an inappropriate level? No… but if that was my boyfriend, any proximity to a woman smaller than 10 feet is a reason to fight. I wish Brad would explain the importance of credit scores to her at this moment so she can know that NELSON AIN’T SH*T.

It’s challenge day, and SURPRISE SURPRISE, There’s a purge. If it wasn’t for *someone’s* inability to walk in a straight line (Nelson). How the hell were female teams supposed to win? Paulie and Natalie crush this challenge, and suddenly I understand why Cara is attracted to Paulie. On a serious note though, this guy is an athlete. Him and Natalie in this game—and any game moving forward—should be considered a threat.

In true Nelson fashion, he f*cks up royally and Cara and I MIGHT JUST HAVE A CHANCE. Nelly gets halfway through riding and rolling logs around, hanging on to it like it’s Shane’s dong. Cara and I are up last. And of course, Mother Nature decides to join the fun. By the time we get up there, it’s raining lightning-ing. ALL WE NEED IS ONE FLAG.

Spoiler: we don’t get any flag. But Cara does make it further than Nelson, so we’re safe. At this point, I was receiving hate-tweets trolling me like “UGH YOU HAD ONE JOB!” First and foremost, I’d bet the prize money that you idiots couldn’t do it. Second, I was in utter shock. I thought Cara was going to take a breath before coming across but she just went for it. I was not prepared. It felt like it was happening in slow motion. Why is no one looking at Joss, Nelson, Shane, or Sylvia? Bring your hate somewhere else, I don’t care. I’m happy I’m not going to Redemption, but sad that I will miss Johnny’s face when Shane and Nelson walk in. KARMA.

We leave off with Kayleigh, Nelson, and John in room and Bananas isn’t backing down. This is the mischievous asshole we know and love. I enjoy watching Nelson squirm. Next week,  Redemption beef will come to a head as two of those four extremely strong teams will finally go home for good. It’s time to SHUT DOWN Redemption, FOLKS! LET IT BURN.

Next week we’ll get a double elimination…. and SURPRISE SURPRISE, a purge. F*CK YOU. GOODNIGHT.

Images: Giphy (2); MTV (4)

We begin this episode mourning last week’s elimination results. Ashley, Sylvia, and I pour one out for our homie Amanda, while Tony shares a love note Zach left him with John. With Zach and all of John’s other bros in Redemption, Bananas realizes he’s going to have a tough time moving forward. Considering nobody likes him. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on the day for me), he isn’t fully out of luck. Cara reminds us while playing with a green boa alone in the background that nobody likes her either. Losers unite!

I feel slightly embarrassed as I watch Devin and Cory take a house tour. It was much cleaner six weeks ago when the rest of us moved in. As they celebrate their win, we get another ridiculously adorable picture of Cory’s daughter, Ryder. I want to babysit her forever. The audience then learns that Devin was meant to have a place in this house from the start. After flying 24 hours to South Africa, Devin was made aware that his father had passed away. My heart breaks for him now as it broke for him then.

Devin, If you ever need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, a kiss, late night booty call, girlfriend, future wife, or whatever you want—call me. Jokes (or truth) aside, I’m so happy he decided to come back. He’s the only person that can make John angry solely by breathing. Would’ve loved seeing them forced to work together. Now you know why fruity didn’t have a partner in the beginning.

Outside, The Lavender Ladies and their “groupie” (me) are chatting by the pool. Now that Jozea and Da’Vonne are at Redemption, there are only two teams left for the LL’s to target before self-destructing: Banony and #TeamCaraMarie. While I haven’t always been tight with the Lavender Ladies, I was close with Sylvia, a fellow “Dolphin”. During Vendettas last season, Sylvia, Kam, Kailah, and I formed an equally, if not more obnoxiously named, girlfriend alliance, The Dolphins. Don’t ask. Nonetheless, Sylvia and I had a real, and very recent, relationship going into this house.

I understand why she might want to go against me in this game, as I’m aligned by default with two people that I formerly hated as well. There’s a reason you see Johnny and Tony vote for Ashley and Hunter later in the episode during nominations. The goal of speaking to Sylvia was for her and me to regroup and take advantage of the new numbers (and teams) in the main house.

I can’t say if Sylvia would have agreed with my plan because she never gave me the opportunity to pitch it, but I can say I’m a ridiculously good saleswoman and would have closed the deal on the spot. Ashley thinks I’m delusional and I think Sylvia, along with everybody else, needs new jokes when it comes to my numerous personalities. They’re called moods. Okurrrr?

At the Redemption house, Paulie is sad to see his Big Brother friends walk in while Zach seems happy, for the first time ever, as he runs inside the house with open arms. Zach lets everyone know why he’s blessed them with his presence and how much of a better person he is than Amanda for doing the exact same thing—being stubborn. You’re both great humans and I appreciate the decisions you made in last week’s elimination. Love you both.

It’s Challenge day and we’re playing “what goes up must come down”. TJ explains that a two hundred foot building and weird floor puzzle are the only things standing between us and a win today. He lied. That’s not the only obstacle for #TeamCaraMarie; we’re also rewarded with the disadvantage we took home last challenge after losing. For us, the door to that 200 ft building will be locked until we find the key to open it. Good.

Devin and Cory are up first and Devin is excited. This challenge seems like it’s right in his wheelhouse: “little cardio, big puzzle.” He gets me. TJ blows the horn and they’re off. Down below Hunter chants “TYB” for the 29299483209th time since Cory entered the house last night. I think Nelson might actually have a hard-on. They cruise past the puzzle portion with great communication and make their way down. I begrudgingly laugh out loud as John says that Devin looks like a geriatric patient as he slowly makes his way. Anxiously, I wait for TJ to tell them that they “set the bar low” like he’s told Cara and me every single Challenge so I can let out a “haha” and point like Nelson from The Simpsons. I don’t get my chance.

Ashley and Hunter are up and we see exactly why their love never blossomed. I feel like I’m watching my grandmother scream at my grandfather because he hears nothing. It is at this exact moment, while Ashley is screaming out orders to Hunter, that I realize who she reminds me of! Ruth Langmore, the badass hillbilly from the Netflix series Ozark. If you don’t know what I’m talking about and have access to Netflix, close this recap immediately and go watch it right now. Ashley struggles to get down the building and Cara yells that there’s a Gucci bag at the bottom for some game time inspiration. Where’s that kind of motivation when I’m doing something Cara? GUCCI GETS ME GOING!

Cara and I are up next, and I’m pissed off. Cara takes longer than expected to unlock the door and I’ve managed to memorize nothing while she was doing so. We make it to the top, without stopping might I add, and we get a stomach-turning POV shot from Cara as she looks down at the puzzle. I hate heights. Cara begins reading off colors but I, in all my glory considering I am still alive after that stair run, do not realize there are TWO buckets of puzzle pieces by the board, not one.

We actually communicated extremely well once someone from production tapped my shoulder and made me aware of the issue (another box of puzzle pieces) at hand. We strap in and head down the wall and I am literally in shock at my own performance. I’m in even MORE shock when I turn to tell Cara “Look what I can do!” and realized she’s way behind me. While we probably won’t win today, I felt as if I did. No offense taken, Tony.

Up next is Shanelly and I’M SCREAMING at their team interview. Nelson has my brain on overdrive. He’s giving me way too much material to roast with him with. It’s time to go night-night!

My takeaway: At first Nelson wanted to strangle Shane but now he wants to straddle him. They speed up the steps and are clearly the team to beat at this point. With Shane’s help, Nelson completes his first puzzle in his life and probably last ever too. I have to say, while I currently don’t like Nelson because he tried to get mad at me over Kayleigh drama, I do love watching him. The guy is literally THE GOOFIEST. The sexual puns he’s unknowingly feeding the audience right now are the highlight of the episode for me thus far.

Sylvia and Joss go, and I actually forgot about this dynamic duo. They race up the stairs, yada yada yada, John sends another lame joke Amanda’s way and they finish. Sylvia makes a good joke about not working out when she gets to the top, but clearly, I’m feeling a type of way tonight as I write this. It’s hard not to go back to a feeling when you’re watching it back. I love you, Sylvia. I’ll try harder.

Banony is the last pair to go. They are well aware that if they can’t beat Shane’s time, Nelson is gonna put the power vote on dat ass. As everyone screams different colors from the ground below in hopes to mess up John, I chose to remain silent and pray. I know that if Banony wins, Cara and I are definitely going into elimination. Spoiler Alert: Banony wins. Crazy how John could go from world’s biggest bully in Challenge history to the victim in only 14 episodes. I bet you’re rooting for them, aren’t you? He’s really embracing the victim role well. I guess that’s what happens when you get on basic television.

ANYWAY, as a self-described realist, I’ll be the first to say that the performance of #TeamCaraMarie thus far in Challenges deserves an elimination appearance. However, I’ll also be a complete hypocrite and say how the f*ck is this season fair? Whoever created this “Final Reckoning” theme definitely had their sights set on two new male champions to add to their short list of alumni under 60 who’d accept a Champs Vs. Stars call. I’m pissed.

During what should be a friendly game of cards in my and Shane’s room, I think it’s a good time to try to talk game. Again. Persistence breaks down resistance! I won’t go down without a fight. BET. LOL. Sylvia doesn’t want to chat because she’s having fun knowing she’s not going in, and I find out that my bestie Shane plans on saying my name as well. If ANYONE has had a real alliance here, it was me and Shane. We shared that cozy little room you see us sitting in, we burned votes on each other numerous times, and even Cara knew well enough to tell John last week that I’d never say his name. Even if every team still planned to say my name, why couldn’t you just vote rogue? It’s not like anyone expects that we’d chose to go against you. That’s crazy talk.

Cara feels bad for me but she shouldn’t. I’m never a victim because I don’t allow myself to be. I’ve known where I stood with this group all along. I’m just in a dark, angry place right now as production forces me to get dressed for a night out. The bar is completely empty because we’re not allowed to speak to strangers and it’s just adding insult to injury as I have to listen to “TYB” chants after every fruity shot of Triple Sec they take. Like, Can you even? Triple. Sec.

Ashley decides to join me in the corner and asks why I’m upset. I don’t know, maybe every single team in the house is voting me in tomorrow. It’s pretty reasonable that I don’t want to be around them. I know eliminations are part of the challenge. I also know that I don’t f*ck with anyone right now, so let me live. Ashley lets me know she’s won one of these before, just like she lets anyone know within five minutes of meeting them. She says I need to accept elimination and that I shouldn’t light fires. Alexa, play every time Ash has started a fire on a Challenge. The New Yorker in me is starting to show.

Oh god. Now I’m crying? I’m an emotional drunk. Kidding. I’m always emotional. Big f*ck you to Shane who says a million dollars can buy him friends who are less crazy than me. Drinks are on YOU motherf*cker at the reunion this week. I hate that it seems like I’m desperate, but all I ever wanted was a conversation because I’m desperate. I wasn’t frustrated so much about going in as I expected my time was running short, I was frustrated that Sylvia (my friend who I talked to every day prior to the show, and even went on weekend getaways with) wouldn’t give me the time of day.

As I pull Sylvia aside again for the second time that night, I laugh as I watch myself transform into Marnie, my alter ego. Part of me feels as if I secretly enjoy being denied. Would totally make sense considering my lifelong list of unavailable crushes and men who will never be interested in me. On a positive note, my hair looks great here.

Back at the house, Cara’s making pizza, and that’s never a good sign for me. Sylvia tells me that I’m the only person freaking out while simultaneously freaking out herself. We do the chest bump thing that everyone does in this house and I hope that she hits me. I’ll take a bruise over an elimination ANY DAY. If it gets physical someone goes home, right Kailah? Seeing this footage makes me understand why it didn’t happen. I was clearly an antagonist in this situation and the headbutt, while a great throwback WWE move, really was weak AF.

“Did you just headbutt my partner?” “Noooo never.” I AM DEAD. I wish I would’ve fallen to the floor screaming like I used to back when I played soccer many, many, many, years ago. I am cracking up at how unbothered I am as I storm around like Dora The Explorer in my backpack. *shrugs* “Fine. f*ck you” *middle finger high* exits. The next day they made us film TJ warning us about physical altercations, so the “that’s my warning” line was in response to his. Is it weird that I’m my own biggest fan?

TJ shows up for the secret vote, but it’s no secret, Cara and I are 100% going in. Nelson knows that it’s down to the “needy greedy” and everyone votes for us as predicted. OUR TURN! Sorry about the turtle comment, Sylvia. No idea. Cara calls me her friend and what follows is my favorite moment from Final Reckoning… and that says A LOT. Now that NOBODY LIKES ME too, Cara can finally like me. Sylvia head butting me was just what the doctor ordered. Is it just me or does Cara seem fired up for the first time this season? Gotta be top five cutest challenge moments ever. Don’t @ me.

Cara and I have nothing to lose going into this elimination. We’re both fired up over recent events and even more fired up over our recent friendship. The board lights up and Cara is excited we finally won something. Let’s keep this momentum going! TJ tells me I’m a far cry from cigarettes and sadness and I blink twice with no expression and say “Thank you, TJ?” It’s time to see who our options are when a song I’ve never heard before (but will totally jam to) turns on and so does the board.

Everyone is worried about getting picked. And everyone has good reason to be. Cory and Devin just got here, Hunter’s been a b*tch aggressively coming for Cara (Not John) all season as he pretends, Sylvia, because the head thing, and Shane because he’s right when he says I’M PETTY.

Without discussing our options we look at each other and call down Shane and Nelson. Nelson’s final interview of the episode erases all the good he did earlier and I dislike him again. Here’s hoping we get those equalizers. GIRL POWER!

What’d you think of tonight’s episode? Best one yet?

#TeamCaraMARIE

Images: Giphy (3); MTV (5)

In last week’s recap, I apologized to The Challenge editing team. This week, I take it back. F*ck you. Last night’s episode was shocking for more than one reason. Not only did we get an elimination that was completely unexpected, but we also got another episode edit that made literally no sense. I’m beginning to wonder if John puts these things together himself. Luckily I have been granted the opportunity to write this recap and let everyone know the TRUTH about what really went on.

Before we jump into this week, let’s recap last week: Kyle and Brad got eliminated and were sent to Redemption, where an underwhelming meet-and-greet with their enemy Paulie wasted five minutes of my life. Zach and Amanda embarrassed everyone with how quickly they took the day’s W. I was the only cast member to actually build a makeshift stick out of twigs because my partner has lost complete sight of the game.

This week we pick up right where we left off. Zach and Amanda need to decide where to place their power vote. While winning is a great way to NEVER get eliminated (or so we thought) Amanda lets us know that her win is bittersweet as she and Zach can’t seem to get on the same page. Outside Zach is b*tching about Amanda and the fact that he always gets paired with girl rivals. Here’s a thought, Zach: maybe stop arguing with only female players and perhaps your luck will change. Nelson tells Zach that he wants to get Bananas out, and Zach begins to cry at the thought of losing his BFF Tony.

Ah, bromance.

At this point in the game, Jozea and Davonne need to pick a side. The power of their rogue vote has come to an end. Cara tells them that’s a good place to be as the two main alliances begin to attempt wooing them to their side. Cara was made aware by ME, her partner, that the LL’s had plans to align their votes and come for the king of fruit, Bananas. But this wasn’t always the plan. In fact, it was my actions that forced their decision to do so… but we’ll get to that later.

Apparently, that makeshift stick of twigs I made last week is also up an editor’s ass this season as they begin to paint the idea that John was the mastermind behind this week’s nomination choices. I wonder if they too have a lackluster sex tape with John. The sun goes down and Banony invites Cara for a jog outside. I wasn’t invited to this pow-wow because a) Johnny thinks I’m a double agent (which was true), and b) I never agree to a late-night jog session or jog in general ever.

Bananas knows he has no friends and needs to rally some votes to keep him out of elimination. He suggests to Cara that we should vote for Shanelly, but she lets him know I’d never say Shane’s name (unless of course we had agreed to it for our benefit *See most nomination burns for reference.*) I like that she finally acknowledges here that in order to do anything in this game she’s going to need my help. Except for playing with her hair… I’d never touch that. They agree to vote for Ashley and Hunter, and we head over to the Redemption house where Kyle and Paulie share a space other than Cara’s vagina.

Upstairs in the Redemption house, we get what I feel should be the biggest takeaway from the episode, the importance of eyebrows. Kam agrees that Kayleigh’s eyebrows are Insta-worthy and I bet, like myself, you’re all wishing you were blessed with stunning eyebrows as well. If, like me, your eyebrow game isn’t strong, and your ability to fake them with makeup is even worse… I highly suggest googling microblading. Life. Changing.

Downstairs we finally get the interaction between Kyle and Paulie we deserve. Last week, Paulie decided it’s best to play cool with Kyle, but now he’s had a change of heart. Paulie lets everyone know that he should’ve come into the game single and f*cked Cara. We all know if you keep up with this show outside of just the show in any regard, that at the end that didn’t matter regardless. Paulie explains that he didn’t realize Kyle had feelings for Cara since he was getting wet with Faith in the hot tub day one. Kyle thinks Paulie is a sheep and that his ex-girlfriend is f*ckable. I laugh.

I laugh harder when Paulie says that if things were to get physical between the two, Kyle would end up looking like his pre-surgery self. Who says girls can only start drama? While I never condone violence, I definitely crossed my fingers hoping these two would hit each other. Sidenote: Why does Kyle always squeak when he’s trying to be a tough guy? Classic “I’m a lover, not a fighter” reaction. They both deserve a good spanking. Where’s Cara when you need her?

At the main house, Nelson puts on his thinking cap and approaches Da’Vonne in the bedroom. Shoutout to lil’ momma for coining the term “mental bum” during Champs V. Stars, because that’s exactly what Nelson is. Apparently, Day and Nelson went to the same school, but I find that hard to believe considering the massive difference between their intelligence. Nelson provides me with another hilarious #OOTD in his leather jacket. Nelson has no clue about the temperature in this house, literally and figuratively.

In the living room, John attempts to gain the support of #TeamBB. If he is able to rally three votes, he believes HE can force a tie scenario in elimination. With Zach in the power seat, John knows that this is his safest bet. John lets Da’Vonne and Jozea know he’s on a “need to know basis” and the following information is something that I believe the audience NEEDS TO KNOW:

After the daily challenge, I was made aware by Hunter that if I voted him in, he would choose Cara and me. For someone who barks big in the interviews they show about coming for Bananas, this was never the case. By continuing my relationship with the LL’s I knew that their votes were not all aligned in the beginning as their original plan was to go after me and Cara.

Shane, being my bestie, would not agree with this move. Had the team stuck to this plan, The votes would have fallen 3-2. If this went down, Ashley and Hunter would receive the most votes and Cara and I would definitely face them in elimination. Being privy to both sides of the spectrum, and the idea that the LL’s thought our side was coming for Shane, I let Ashley know that the plan had changed and they would be the team we targeted. By doing so, I brought out Paranoid Pam in Ashley. She rallied her troops as expected to come together as one and vote for Banony.

Nobody wants to knowingly go into elimination, even if it’s against me and Cara. I knew that if Ashley got the majority of the votes, Cara and I were going in. I also knew that if we could somehow force a tie, the decision would come down to Zach and Amanda. Both of whom had made it clear to everyone that they would not back down to each other’s wishes. We didn’t know what would happen if the power team could not come to a decision… but a 50/50 chance of going in was way better odds.

Another thing to point out was that Da’Vonne was on board with this plan from the very beginning. She had no reason to align with the LL’s pecking orders. They’ve been the the ones who’ve attempted to take her out. The girl isn’t stupid. By her going to Ashley and letting her THINK she was on board with their plan to vote in John, she made the LL’s more confident to follow through. They assumed Bananas would take a safe bet going against #TeamBB if voted into elimination.

It’s the night before nominations and Amanda and Zach still can’t seem to get on the same page. Tony says tomorrow’s elimination will show everyone’s cards—and it will. Zach is 1,000 percent positive that Tony will never say his name. He lets Amanda and Ashley know he’d put his entire bank account on that. I die from laughter when Ashley says “What, all two dollars?” and the camera zooms in on her ripping her cig.

Bananas thinks Amanda is the spawn of Satan because she’s calling him on his bullsh*t. Zach reminds her that she might be Satan since she hoped Cara’s horse died. Amanda replies with “At least I didn’t wish for her to die,” and she has a point. Amanda is a whole mood this episode. She tells Zach to stop acting like a “bad b*tch.” Hate her or love her… I LOVE HER.

At Armageddon, the votes fall as planned. Zach and Amanda must chose between Banony and Hunter and Ashley. After a snippy back-and-forth, TJ tells them if they can’t decide on who goes in, they’re going in. Zach unzips his jacket and walks down. I am Sylvia when they show her say “WHAT” in slow motion. I am also myself when I laugh in shock at the fact that this just happened. This couldn’t have gone any better for me and Cara.

Since Amanda and Zach were supposed to be safe, they now have to choose who will face them in elimination. Amanda is in shock that she has to play in street clothes just because Zach has one friend in life other than Jenna. They decide to chose Da’Vonne and Jozea. Day lets us all know exactly how she feels, especially towards Ashley and Hunter who are “b*tches.” I’m #TEAMDAY here. I really needed her to pull out this upset.

Just when we think we’re about to see a BB vs. Zach/Amanda elimination, TJ calls out a pair of new mercenaries, Devin and Cory. While I never hate some good eye candy, this team will in no way benefit my game. They both adamantly hate John, and by default, Cara as well. Devin is here to remind Bananas why he’s a piece of sh*t human. Cory is here to take home that money to his baby, Ryder. PS: Cory has now joined the Teen Mom family on MTV and I couldn’t be more excited to stalk their adorable little family on social media.

Both Team Day and Zach/Amanda lose to Cory and Devin and this is HUGE. Had they come together as a team and made a decision, I’d bet my entire bank account (that may or may not be two dollars) that after this weekend’s festivities, Zach and Amanda were going to win this entire thing.

Next week find out what happens when the target readjusts to #TeamCaraMarie. I’ve been told this episode will be the greatest episode in recent seasons. Get ready for some badass Marie moments, and a good old-fashioned head-butt.

What did you think of this week’s INSANE elimination results?

Images: MTV (8); Giphy (1)

I’d like to start this Challenge: Final Reckoning episode 12 recap off with an apology. I AM SORRY! I’m not sure to whom and for what this apology is owed… but there is someone in the editing room who is NOT a fan of me. I hope that he/she can find a way to forgive me in the NEAR future (as we are still only mid-season) for being absolutely hilarious and SMART even though they’ve tried everything in their ability to portray me otherwise. How many seasons did it take Cara to get a good edit? #askingformyself

We start at the main house, where Ashley is crying because she regrets sleeping with Kyle. I can understand this—I regret sleeping with 88% of my list too. Hate her or love her, you can’t deny Smash has a point when she says that she (and other women) on this show, on another show, and in actual REAL LIFE, are treated differently in the public eye than men when it comes to sex. Where was everyone shaming Kyle when he slept with both Faith and Ashley in only a matter of 24 hours? DOUBLE STANDARDS ARE HORSE SH*T!

Ashley reminds me of a Real Housewife as she chain smokes cigarettes outside in her silk robe. Inside, Hunter is being dramatic (as he usually is after 1.5 beers) telling everyone that if “that slut” (Ashley) loses him a chance at a million dollars he’s coming for her family.

Oy, Hunter. You truly are a good guy, but I can’t help you out here, buddy. Brad the dad tells Hunter to “check his back” as he disagrees with his comment, and I wonder if Hunter is actually physically capable of doing so. He has very wide shoulders… similar to SpongeBob. Picture it. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. #MassGain

Actual photo of Hunter:

The next morning, Cara is trying to get Bananas to tell her his plan of action for nominations. I shake my head knowing how much of a REACH it must have been for production to make it seem like John is a master politician this season. We all knew exactly where he was voting, hence Shane’s master plan in the bathroom. (Hilarious location choice for a team meeting, might I add.)

Whether or not Shane’s intention was to protect us ladies from going against him in an elimination or to guarantee himself the opportunity to choose which one of us he wanted to go against if that were the case, he got his wish. In fact, it was I who told Jozea and Davonne where to place their vote. By tying the two votes, Shane would receive from Bananas two votes on #TeamBB and #TeamZamanda. We ultimately forced John to stick with his alliance and follow through with his original vote, allowing Shane to do what he does best… whatever the f*ck he wants.

At Armageddon, John doesn’t surprise us when he chooses Shane and Nelson. Without any other votes for them but the power vote, ShaNelly gets to chose who they want to go against. I’m super worried because Nelson was very open about his desire to call out Cara and I if ever in elimination. (See nomination room again.) Same goes for Hunter.

Go big or go home! ShaNelly choese Brad and Kyle to dance in Armageddon, and fans are PUMPED. Either one of these teams going home would be HUGE. I pray it’s Kyle because I deserve a goddamn award after all this BS I’ve been dealing with it and he’s the sole reason. After a hilarious start, Shane and Nelson finally get their groove and pull out the W. I feel as good as my braids look.

(For real, shout-out to Davonne for that LEWK.) A bitter John tells Shane and Nelson to “Act like you’ve been here before,” and I for once agree. Why is Nelson wearing a winter jacket in South Africa halfway through the season?? I promise you it is NOT that cold.

Back at the house, Kyle thought it was an appropriate time to leave Cara a farewell present as he packed for redemption. I walk in the room to find a smitten Cara holding skeleton rings and I can’t believe this is still even a thing. Am I in the twilight zone?! Hopefully Cara gets the closure she needs knowing Kyle didn’t give the other girls goodbye rings—just herpes. I laugh at myself when I say “I wish he didn’t f*ck two girls before he gave it to you.” I can’t imagine me not being a fan favorite at this point. I literally crack myself up.

Kyle and Brad show up to the redemption house, and I prepare my popcorn. Both Paulie and Kyle have talked a BIG game about each other ever since Paulie moved into the redemption house five months ago. Paulie claims he’s had enough time to realize that fighting Kyle isn’t worth a million dollars; Kyle claims Paulie only barks loud when there’s security guards around; I claim that they’re both a bunch of nerds and this meet up is underwhelming, to say the least. Not sure who the bigger loser is here… but I’m gonna say the fans are a safe bet. What a letdown. Someone better call them out for this sh*t! 😉

It’s challenge time, and I’m SO excited to see something that I think women can fare well on! I remember being so hopeful that Cara and I had a chance. The Challenge consisted of one team member running and gathering trees/sticks, while the other waited in a locked cage (covered in graffiti). The runner had to get sticks and throw them over the top of the cage in order to free their partner. Once freed a puzzle waited at the finish line. Piece of cake, right? Ha.

We decide that I’m going to get locked in the cage since I’m taller and have no desire to run more than I have to. I let Cara know, at least 67 times, that if she could just grab a long stick I should be able to reach the key. TJ blows the whistle and we’re off… well not me, I’m trapped. Bananas is back within what could be seconds and immediately gets Tony out with a long stick he found on the floor. As I watch everyone follow in Banony’s footsteps, I wonder where my partner Cara is.

Me rn:

Once half the teams are freed from the cage, my partner rounds the corner with what could only be described as an armful of twigs. I begin building a makeshift pole and start to think I may get out quicker if I rub the sticks together and burn myself out at this point. I am STILL stuck in the cage as other teams return to find the answers to the puzzle. I take note of the questions people are shouting, as well as Johnny’s used stick, and tell Cara to grab it. She shoots it over the top and I’m FREE! Production feels the need to share my “I haven’t done cardio in four years” JOKE and I hate everyone. Really? REALLY?

We run to the finish line and begin answering our puzzle. We had the number of days spent in the cage (which was written in tallies off by one). Perhaps if I wasn’t tying twigs together I could have memorized the wall better. Amanda smokes the competition and made us all look like fools, while Jozea and Davonne came in a close second. P.S. Both members of this team absolutely crush their interviews. “JOZEEAA!!!!!” Ashley and Hunter beat us for the loss and we’re getting a significant disadvantage next challenge (that is, of course, if we even make it that far). I think us being the only girl/girl team is enough of a disadvantage. You can keep your twists, TJ!

Cara is defeated and so am I as TJ again reminds us how terrible we are. I am frustrated with Cara at this point because, regardless of the challenge, I feel like a win (or in our case, loss) should be shared by the both of us. This is a team challenge, after all. Perhaps I can spin this loss, and what one could assume will be another loss next challenge if we make it there, to our benefit.

Say a prayer for #TeamCaraMarie and DO NOT miss next week’s episode. I know I’ve said it a few times (due to lack of insight/support in production) BUT this is the episode that will blow your mind. We will get some new eye candy as Cory and Devin enter the game and an insane elimination scenario that will completely change this game.

RiRi OUT!

Images: MTV; Giphy (2)

Before we jump into this week’s recap, there is something I’d like to address: After last week, I got into a war of words with Paulie via Twitter. I apologize to all the Twitter feeds I blew up that morning, as well as to Paulie. I’m sorry for saying you have a Napoleon complex. It’s not your fault that you’re short.

Now that I’ve cleared the air, last week Da’Vonne and Jozea were the stars of the show, losing in elimination and then pulling the double cross. This week’s MVP goes out to Natalie’s chest (if you remember anything from this episode other than how out and about her boobs were, I applaud you). If you got them, flaunt them, ladies!

We begin the episode poolside with Johnny making fun of a female player’s appearance. This is typical John behavior. My typical behavior: netting the pool so I can eavesdrop and get that good gossip. Amanda declares that if it wasn’t for this show, and Bananas being who he is on this show, Angela wouldn’t look twice. I agree with this. A short white guy is an off-brand choice for her.

Johnny retaliates by telling Amanda she would have no shot with Joss if it wasn’t for the show. A camera pans to my “oh no he didn’t” face, which sums up how I, and everyone watching, feel. Johnny also suggests that the female cast only hates Angela “cause they ain’t her.” The way he says this makes me cringe. I’m not Angela, but I don’t hate her for it. I totally blame my parents for my oily skin and resting bitch face.

I do blame Angela for this horrendous crime against blending, though.

At the redemption house, Angela informs some players that Nelson needs to control Shane. News flash, no one can control Shane. He’s “SHANELESS.” Jozea feels big and bad after pulling the double cross and warns that he’s on a kill mission. Whenever I watch Jozea interviews I always think of the donkey from Shrek. I mean that in the nicest way. He’s entertaining to watch.

Angela and Faith decide to place their bets on Da’Vonne and Jozea, saying their names at redemption elimination. Not to be whatever, but like, you all had no choice. Loyalty in the Challenge house can only go so far.

Faith says her nieces are more intimidating than Veronica, and I will forever decline any family gathering invites from Faith moving forward. Veronica scares the sh*t out of me.

Redemption players head out to the bar for what could be their last night out. After Tori flipped out on Jozea when they entered the house, Derrick knows the chances of his team getting picked are slim. In his last attempt, Derrick decides to turn up the charm with Da’Vonne. Before Da’Vonne even has to explain her extreme lack of interest in this situation, I start laughing at the idea that Derrick is really trying to go there. Da’Vonne is not the one, and neither are you, Derrick.

Natalie tells Paulie that she and Jozea have a million dollar friendship and trusts the fact that they will pick team PaNatalie as their opponents. I trust this too as. 1) They are all from Big Brother, and 2) Team Bad Girls are hella good.

At the main house, Kam is worried that one of the three teams she sent to Redemption may get back in the game. Meanwhile, Kyle’s still trying to figure out how the game works. Sylvia wonders if Paulie will freak out again. I wonder why someone told me that a pink turtleneck was a good idea. 

Zach and Cara are having a one-on-one outside and Zach, AGAIN, speaks highly of Jenna. It’s really cute to see him finally treat her right. Cara appreciates that Zach has her back but acknowledges what I’ve been alluding to this whole time: Amanda, and the majority of the main house, dislike Cara.

Ashley has no problem getting rid of #TeamCaraMarie, and TBH I wanted to get rid of it too. The editing of the show is letting her get off easy this season. Cara is the worst.

Angela lets Faith know that she plans on reading everyone for filth at the elimination. Meanwhile, Natalie and Paulie are having a pow-wow in the kitchen. Here is the moment I stopped listening: I spent this entire scene fixated on Natalie’s breast and the high probability of a nip-slip. You’re lying if you weren’t staring too.

It’s time for elimination, but not before some players get their final word. Angela lets us know that she is our “Armageddon tonight.” It’s silent. Everyone is confused. Once Angela is done yelling, an eager Natalie speaks up to let Kam know she is disappointed in her.

PaNatalie were the ones to chose Kamleigh for their elimination, so what’s going on? Is she mad because she lost or because she lost to Kam? Either way, I find her annoying.

Faith ends the “reading” by letting Kyle and the rest of the house know that she saw him sleep with Ashley. Just when we were about to finally say goodbye to the Kyle/Cara drama, a new flame ignites. Can we PLEASE for the love of God be done with it? The answer is no, BTW.

Big Brother chooses Big Brother as we watch a rematch of the first redemption elimination. Natalie is happy that her friends “are the realest of the realest” and I can’t help but laugh at how fake that sounds. Unlike the first elimination between these teams, the challenge is a puzzle. Like first redemption elimination, PaNatalie loses. Kyle booing is everyone right now.

Both Ashley and Sylvia called out Natalie’s poor performance. How vigorously do we think Cara is hitting her keyboard to defend Natalie in her weekly recap? Get ready for the “empowering female” tweets that praise Natalie (while also shading other women on the show). You heard it here first.

Downstairs at the main house, Hunter lets Zach know that since Ashley lied to him about sleeping with Kyle, he can no longer trust her. Upstairs, Cara has similar sentiments to Hunter. She tells Nelson that Ashley has no concept of Girl Code. Sorry, back that up a sec. Am I hearing this right? Cara, honey, you do not get to call Girl Code on anyone. Not only did she aggressively pursue a taken man, but she betrayed my trust early on when she couldn’t keep my secrets. Cara is and always will be a hypocrite.

It’s challenge day and it’s time to eat sh*t. Throughout the elimination, people make note of how heavy their partners are. Cara was no exception. I was in the water before the whistle even blew. Later, she blames me for our lack of bags *pretends to be shocked*. I was most definitely not the problem on our team today, but I figured she’d say it was my fault.

Ashley and Hunter win the challenge with no problem; Hunter has perfected the art of eating absolutely anything. Since my team only had six bags, every other team only had to finish seven bags to stay safe from the purge. The eating challenge comes down to a battle between the girl/girl teams. Did I mention this season is extremely unfair?

We’re left off on a cliffhanger: Who will be purged? If Cara and I get eliminated today we join PaNatalie in redemption. Being stuck with the “Throuple” is at the top of my list of fears. Send me your prayers. I’m gonna need them.

Who do you think is joining PaNatalie in redemption?

Images: Giphy (5); MTV (2)

This week my birthday month celebrations finally caught up with me and I’ve been sick all week. I wasn’t planning on writing a recap for last night’s episode until I woke up this morning and saw that both Cara and Paulie, two people who may be biased in their recaps, wrote one… and I’m not letting Shane go down like that. I loved this episode, maybe because I love Shane, maybe because I love pettiness…. either way, here’s MY recap of The Challenge: Final Reckoning episode 8!

We begin the episode where we left off in Armageddon, where team bad girls, and everyone else, was blindsided by TJ’s twist of mercenaries. This season, mercenaries don’t just take you out of the game, they take your place. Pan to me saying “That’s f*cked up,” and that’s exactly how I feel. The teams had to punch themselves through walls in order to win the elimination, and unfortunately Faith couldn’t pull it off. That being said, Angela broke those walls down like they were cardboard, and I’m sad we won’t get to see her perform fully…. or will we? Before leaving, Angela tells the camera that Kam and Kayleigh “need to fix their wig, and their nose.” I CAN’T WAIT FOR THIS REUNION. Ashley/Hunter join the game and everyone is ecstatic… except, of course, Johnny and myself/Cara. With Ashley in the house, we fall lower on the totem pole of who I considered my allies. Ashley’s hella fun, though—so I’m still not THAT upset.

While Ashley and Hunter move into the main house, we are made aware that Kyle (with his newest boo sent to redemption) now has his eyes on SmAshley. Ashley looks HELLA good this season, so can we blame him? Last week Cara told Faith it was a bad idea as a “rookie” to come after a man who’s had previous relations with someone in the house—I wonder if her feelings are different now that Kyle has his eyes on Ash, a VET, and former CHAMPION in the house. The answer is no, because Cara is a hypocrite. The boys take bets on how long it will take Kyle to get Ashley in bed… I wonder who won with a <24 hours bet… cause that would’ve been mine. What kind of girl would get with a guy night one??? OH right, ME, last season on vendettas, when I drunkenly chalked Kyle before Cara could get her claws in him. I feel you Smash—and in the name of women empowerment… you get yours HONEY! Ash realizes quickly it may not have been the best idea to swap booty with Captain Kyle and quickly decides to keep it a “secret”, even from her partner Hunter. Hunter is worried that Ashley may be…. well typical Ashley… and start stirring some unnecessary drama early in the game. Hunter may be smarter than he looks… maybe.

The sun rises, and Shady Shane thinks it’s a good idea to apologize to Davonne for calling her a b*tch. Davonne is a smart girl, a very very smart girl, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Shane’s motives to apologize may not be genuine. Davonne calls bullsh*t in her interview, while Shane explains he’s trying to confuse her into thinking they’re friends. They agree to start fresh, but Davonne lets us know that it’s one strike with her and you’re out. She’s playing Shane in this conversation as much as Shane thinks he’s playing her. It’s clear this new vendetta, even with an “apologetic” Shane, is still very much real.

P.S. How gorgeous is Day? All of her interviews get me so HYPE. She is ferocious and the kind of woman this show needs.
P.P.S. We also need Shane, because who doesn’t love a mean queen? #PETTYLIVESMATTER

We finally get a day out at the winery, and it’s obvious where the cliques stand… or sit (as we are at a picnic). We start with an interview from Ashley reminding us Joss is “god’s gift to women” and we cut to what might be the hottest reel of a guy coming out of the water ever. Joss, we love you!

During the outing Johnny lets the world know that his days are numbered. With so many new faces on the show, everyone’s coming for the number one spot, and currently that lies with Cara and Johnny as the faces of the challenge. Cara tells Johnny the lavender ladies “think they’re famous” and I just threw my amoxicillin at the TV. Cara makes me sick sometimes, and apparently still makes me sick, because now I lost my medicine. On the way home Shane tries to tell Cara why people hate her and while it doesn’t show it, I did stick up for her. While I agree with everything Shane is saying, she’s still my partner. I can’t stick up for her too much, however, because if the lavender ladies hate me, #TEAMCARAMARIE are done in this game. Back at the house, my wonderful partner Cara tells Johnny about the bus ride, even dropping my name as to someone who addressed her, even after I stuck up for her (typical). This is where perhaps my favorite challenge scene EVER begins.

Johnny decides to call Shane over to address his recent dragging of Cara, and here comes the FIREWORKS… or maybe it’s the laser beams LOL. Johnny tells Shane he loves him to death (eye roll) and that he needs to stop. Even Tony, his partner, recognizes how much of a d*ck John can be. Johnny tells Shane to put his helmet on so maybe he can grow some confidence. Cue hero music, Shane requests his helmet and lets Johnny know that he is a narcissistic sociopath. Johnny, not knowing the definition of either word Shane used to describe him, thinks Shane is calling him self-conscious. I have now replayed this scene 10 times, and every time I do, it doesn’t get less funny. Whether you love or hate Shane, you can’t deny you had a good laugh with this argument.

Back at Redemption, TJ shows up to share surveillance with the currently eliminated teams. This time, the footage shows Ashley and Kyle getting down and dirty and Faith is upset. Veronica speaks for all of us when she says “are we really that shocked”?

Cut to a team convo with team bad girls, and Angela is being a great friend/partner helping Faith understand how much of a dirty pirate Kyle really is. I hope and pray team bad girls get back into the main house, because there is nothing scarier than a woman scorned, or in Kyle’s case… two women scorned.

We get to the daily challenge, where TJ tells us we will be playing a good old fashioned game of rugby, in two teams. Whichever team wins the challenge will have the task of nominating an MVP whom will win the power vote. Since Kam/Kayleigh won the last challenge, they had the opportunity to chose which team they’d like to join. What isn’t explained is that only same-gendered players can tackle each other. With Kam/Kay choosing to the orange team, this automatically gives us a HUGE advantage as the yellow team only has two females and we have six. Let’s not forget the GIGANTIC dudes the orange team has as well with Kyle, Brad, Tony, Zach, and Hunter all rocking with us. This leaves the yellow team consisting of Shane, Nelson, Davonne, Jozea, Johnny, Tony, and Joss and Sylvia. With the winning team getting the coveted opportunity to vote MVP, it doesn’t look great for Shane and Nelson since two of the four teams literally loathe him. Shane realizes this early, and in a hilarious interview between him and his partner Nelson, he lets Nelson know that they cannot win today’s challenge. TBH they weren’t going to win anyway…. but that’s not what makes this so hilarious.

We kick off the challenge and with ease. The orange team grabs the first win (out of a best of three scenario). While it wasn’t necessary for Shane to make it so obvious that he was throwing the challenge… you gotta love him for it. The quick shots of him prancing/sitting down on the field are enough to make any petty lover happy. As predicted, the orange team wins, but not before Jozea realizes Shane’s plan. The yellow team is PISSED and we get some hilarious bickering between Jozea and Shane. I love Shane so much, but I really do hope Jozea “wears his Louis to the reunion” and stomps on Shane’s head. Is anyone else super excited for this reunion? Shane mentions Jozea’s songs suck, but admittedly says in his interview he doesn’t like Jozea, so he’s gonna say whatever he can to piss him off. While I am #TeamShane … for now …. Jozea’s song really is fire and I suggest you all give it a listen here.

Next week’s preview shows me crying because “I can’t trust my friends.”  I honestly can’t remember why I’m upset, but regardless, A sad/mad Marie is not one you want to miss. Perhaps it’s time to switch alliances????? This season is just starting to heat up… and I cannot wait for the world to meet MARNIE (my crazy alter ego who gives zero f*cks)

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!! Let me know what you thought of Shane’s plan in the comments!!

Images: Giphy (2); MTV (2)