Summertimmmme, and the girls are easy… that’s how that goes, right? For real though, I’m not sure what it is about summer that makes me want to dry hump on every possible outdoor surface, but I can’t help it. Maybe it’s because I’m too fucking lazy sweaty to do anything that constitutes as real exercise, or maybe it’s because the vacation mentality of traveling to an unknown location and not running into every toolbag from college at the bar arouses me. Idk. Most of our sexual summer fantasies date all the way back to the fuckboy era of Danny Zuko when he sang about devirginizing poor Sandy with entire summer of boring missionary sex on the beach. Yeah, real fucking original, guys. Taking your sex life outside the bedroom and onto sandy shores may ‘stimulate your senses’ or whatever, but it’ll also stimulate mad frizz hair. Also chafing hurts like a bitch and it’s just not cute. I’m not saying you need to aim as high as like, the fucking Grand Canyon, but here are 6 other places to do the deed this summer that won’t have you peeing out sand three weeks later.
On A Hike
Let’s get one thing straight: Betches are nature girls by heart. Meaning that we can make any Northface product look decent with the right makeover, and we always know that under-tree lighting is bad for our complexion. We’re also natural-born sexual deviants, so honestly, having sex in the woods is not rocket science. Rabbits fornicate like… well, rabbits, and they’re the dumbest fucking creatures, so you should have no problem getting away with this. So, ok I already know what you’re thinking. Exercise = sweat, but don’t worry. We don’t mean you should actually hike. We mean you should Instagram hike, which just means walking until you find an ideal location and stopping immediately. Just be sure to remove as little clothing as possible. If you get caught you can always the “Omg I swear I felt a bug crawl in there” excuse.
At The Park
If forest fornication isn’t exactly your thing, try your local park. It’s more human-friendly and you won’t have to question whether or not his sack just rubbed against poison oak. Parks are also equipped with more than enough props to spruce up your sex life. Benches and slides and swings, oh my! My only suggestion would be to at least keep it in your pants til sundown, because hi, respect the children. Now that I think about it, also make sure to clean up after yourself. This is not a fucking Holiday Inn.
On A Balcony
If he lives in the city (or god forbid his parents’ home) and he uses the balcony as a place to kick it with his boys after poker night and not for a breezy bang, he’s gay doing it wrong. What better summer soundtrack than incessant sirens and road rage to get your blood boiling on a warm summer night? Really though, the balcony is like the best of both worlds because it’s public without being public property. And if it really sucks that bad, you still have a whole mess of safer options to choose from inside. Sort of like my lineup of Bumble rejects.
In A Car
Before you start bitching about my unoriginality with this one, sit down and hear me out. It’s called a convertible. The late Rose once told Jack Dawson to “take her to the stars” just before partaking in crammed love-making in a dusty old car, but you’re so much better than that. Nothing says romance like copping a feel under your mini-skirt while pretending like you actually care where the Big Dipper is. A convertible is a nice touch to car sex because you have so much more room for activity, and can experiment with more positions without pulling a seatbelt buckle out of your ass every 5 min.
On A Canoe
On second thought, this is a fucking terrible idea. Don’t do this.
On A Boat
Unlike making one sudden movement on a canoe and ending up drenched (not the good kind) from head to toe, rent a boat to take out on the lake or harbor. It’s much more secluded and thankfully, you have the motion of the ocean to guide you. Just make sure you’re with someone you actually want to have sex with because if it sucks, you’re stuck pretending to enjoy his company because it’s like, frowned upon to throw his ass overboard or whatever.
On A Golf Course
Guys are genetically programmed to at least pretend like they like playing golf without falling asleep, and fucking duh on the sex part, so sex on a golf course is like a guaranteed hole in one (so much pun intended). A golf course is the perfect place to fork it out because, for one, they’re never lit at night, and also Bingo ends around 7 at the country club, so your chances of getting caught are slim to none. Plus, have you ever tried out running a golf cart? It’s easier than my best friend on spring break. Security can suck it.