Welcome back for another episode of Who Wants To Marry A Predator The Bachelorette! I’m starting to be genuinely concerned that this week we’ll find out Bill Cosby has joined the cast of “eligible bachelors” vying for Becca’s heart. Also, unrelated: ABC, YOU’RE TRASH. On that note, let’s resume with the shit talking week 4 Bachelorette recap, k?
The Rose Ceremony Continued
Wait. We’re STILL doing this rose ceremony? Has time passed at all?? Or is Hell this red satin abomination rose ceremony and I’m living in it on a loop?
Blake starts off his plea for a rose by discussing how many children Becca should bear him. This is the part where I would send his presumptuous ass packing, but since Becca’s bar for these men is set somewhere around “hopefully doesn’t have a felony,” I’m guessing Blake will stick around for a little longer. Cool, cool.
HAHAHA. I forgot about the chicken guy being in the ICU. Jordan is like “I’m not saying I’m blessed, but I did pray to God for this to happen for approximately the last four weeks.”
OMG. DAVID’S FACE. DEAR LORD.
David shows up to the rose ceremony and he looks fucking horrible—worse than I did after New Years Eve 2016 when I woke up with a half-eaten pizza crust in my bed and several outgoing calls to my ex from six years ago. If having a mangled face doesn’t get the boy a rose, then I don’t know what will.
Side-note: which producer do we think David had to pay off to unscrew some screws in his bunk?
THE. CRYSTALS. ON. THE. BACK. OF. THAT. DRESS. Why God? Why do you test me like this? Becca, you really make it hard to root for you sometimes.
Final rose cut: Ryan and Mike get sent home. I wish I could say they’d be missed, but I genuinely cannot recall one single fact about them.
After Becca cuts the dead weight, she announces that the men are going to Utah this week! Utah!
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA: *crickets*
Okay, but why is Becca really like “I’m so excited to be here in Utah”?? And more importantly, what has she done to be so badly victimized by casting, wardrobe, and now the travel budget?? Please enlighten me, ABC.
Also, didn’t they go to Park City last season? Does ABC have a Groupon or something? Is Ben Wyatt holding their purse strings these days?
The One-On-One Date
Becca chooses the racist, woman-hating, homophobe Garrett for this week’s one-on-one date because she’s “really excited about him.” Do you hear that, ladies? With choices like these, how can we ever end up dying alone with our cats?!
Becca’s like “Garrett reminds me of home. And my dad.” AND HER DAD. I think I just felt Mr. Kufrin roll over in his grave.
Cut back to the house where Lincoln, the suitor who is a literal sex offender, just announced that he believes the world is flat. Is it too late to put him back in his mother’s womb?
Anyways, back to this date. Becca cannot stop gushing about Garrett, and I’m genuinely terrified she ends up with him.
Becca is every girl rn: “Garrett is just so handsome, IDK why. He’s just so tall.” Know who else was handsome, Becca? TED BUNDY.
K this bobsled love story is great and all but it does not compare to the greatest bobsled story of all time, COOL RUNNINGS, amiright?
They take their date back to a place called The Moose Resort, which sounds like my personal nightmare, but Becca damn near cums from the sight of the hooved decor. Damn. Maybe her and Garrett really are perfect together.
BECCA: You remind me of my dad! Hope that’s not weird!!
ALSO BECCA:
OH SHIT. Garrett was married before?? FOR TWO MONTHS?! I mean, he honestly takes the sanctity of marriage about as seriously as every other contestant on this show, so I’m not sure why Becca looks appalled here. At least he’s willing to propose!
Garrett describes getting married like the process that goes into a drunken one night stand: “one thing led to another and—boom!—we signed a legally binding agreement to be together for life!”
Wait… is he actually claiming emotional abuse from his ex? I’m sorry, but are you fucking kidding me with this? Garrett’s like “she was a red flag.” YOU ARE A RED FLAG.
Also, LOL at Garrett saying he and Becca share the same values when one of them thinks the Parkland survivors are actors and one marches in the Women’s March. Yeah, this sounds like a long-lasting connection.
This is why this is the only one-on-one date I need:
Shop Betches The Bachelor One-On-One Tank
The Group Date
For the group date this week, Becca announces her secret lumberjack fetish. She’s like “while everyone was daydreaming of Leo DiCaprio I was daydreaming of the type of guy who would certainly vote against women’s rights lumberjacks.” Ah, yes, her attraction to Garrett is all starting to make sense now.
Okay, David has gotta go. I know he has a mangled face or whatever, but I can’t with him anymore. He’s definitely intimidated by this log chopping activity and also his girlish figure. He’s like “this seems strenuous and I don’t know how much I’m allowed to do with my injury.” IT’S YOUR FACE THAT’S INJURED, NOT YOUR ARMS, DAVID.
The men are to participate in some sort of Lumberjack Olympics, and this can only end in someone splitting their skinny jeans. *turns up volume*
Ugh. No one split their pants because the universe truly doesn’t want me to have nice things. But the nerd who invented Venmo somehow bested all of these “former athletes” at the lumberjack games, pulling out a last-minute victory in a climbing competition that was ripped straight from that “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You” scene in Mulan. (Did anybody else think that, or was it just me?) Tbh good for him. If not for this win, I would have entirely forgotten he was on this show.
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Becca has decided to drape herself in jewels. And by “jewels” I mean whatever was left on the 50 percent off display table in Kohl’s jewelry section. So, it’s starting off strong.
Jordan pantses himself to try and prove his loyalty to Becca. To be fair, she did gift him those gold booty shorts, so I understand his line of thinking here.
Okay, why does Colton have a stick up his ass about this? He’s pissed because Jordan is nearly always nude in Becca’s presence, but I think this has less to do with the booty shorts, and more to do with Colton being a virgin who can’t drive. Let the boy live, Colton!
Elsewhere, Jean Blanc is acting creepy AF. Becca’s like “I’m usually pretty intuitive when it comes to people and something is off with him.”
Oh, you’re pretty intuitive, Becca? And yet you had no idea that the guy who proposed to you was picturing someone else? Riddle me that.
Oh shit, is Becca getting rid of him? Just like that? I feel like some creepy shit must have gone down off-screen to make her kick him out like this. I mean, I know he’s creepy, but didn’t he get the group date rose last week? This feels sudden.
Omg he’s asking for the perfume back. HE’S ASKING FOR THE PERFUME BACK. I literally want to crawl into my couch.
JEAN BLANC: I love you. You’re so beautiful. You’re my whole world.
BECCA: You’re a good guy but I’m just not there yet.
JEAN BLANC: Fuck you, bitch. You’re ugly and I never wanted you anyways.
Jean Blanc is literally every guy who’s ever messaged me on a dating app.
Okay, Becca is losing it over Jean’s little confession. Why is she so shocked that he was lying? He just met her! Of course he was lying! They’re all lying!
Lol the look on Becca’s face as she addresses the rest of these men is priceless. You know she’s starting to think that the rabid wolves that populate wilds of Minnesota might make better company than these degenerates. She’s like “all I expect is honesty from you guys.” YEAH, YOU AND THE REST OF THE WORLD, HONEY.
The Second One-On-One Date
Wills gets the second one-on-one date and I’m pissed it’s getting overshadowed by Becca’s sudden realization that men are trash. It’s 2018, Becca. If you want a good guy then you’re gonna die alone!
Okay, this date is actually kind of cute despite the fact that I want to cut her for looking slim AF in those snow pants. They take snowmobiles out and have a fun time freezing their asses off and barely speaking to each other for half the day. It’s like ABC modeled this after my answer to “describe your perfect date.”
Oh GOD. Becca, could you stop bringing up your other boyfriends on this date? Wills is just trying to have a chill time, sipping champagne, and she can’t STFU about Jean Blanc.
I’m watching this date and Wills being super cute and all I can think is that he seems like an actual decent human being. I’m sure tomorrow we’ll find out he murdered his parents or something.
Wills, call me.
The Rose Ceremony
There’s no cocktail party tonight, just a rose ceremony because for once ABC appreciates my time and sanity. That, and they can’t be late for the premiere of their new abomination, The Proposal.
All the men are acting shocked that they won’t get one more shot at serenading bullshitting Becca. I guess they’ll just have to hope one of Becca’s friends showed a mild interest in them last episode and Becca will keep them around to prove something to herself.
Jesus Christ. MY EYES. Becca, what in God’s green earth are you wearing? It looks like she’s wearing couture toilet paper or something. Tbh it’s probably a good thing she nixed the cocktail party, lest some of the men took a longer look at her and realized their football careers weren’t worth it maybe there’s other, better-dressed fish in the sea.
This rose ceremony is tense AF. Becca hands out the last rose and it goes to Jordan. The other men in the room look like they got less than 1,000 likes on a photo, but I’m internally cheering. Jordan is the only reason I don’t pass out on the couch every Monday night watching this shit.
Final rose cut: Christon and Nick get sent home. I forgot Christon was even a contestant until just now, but at least he went out with class. You’ll be missed (at least for the next 5-10 minutes until I forget all about you again)!
Images: Giphy (6); ABC (1); @bkoof /Instagram (1)
The season premiere of The Bachelorette finally arrived and it was…underwhelming, to say the least. Seriously, the most exciting part of that entire episode was seeing how far Jordan would go to extort himself for more Instagram followers. But we’ll get to that in this Bachelorette recap. First, let’s start at the beginning. And by “beginning” I mean the designated 10-15 minutes ABC will need to replay Becca’s utter humiliation and devastation for the sake of last season’s ratings. Obviously.
The episode opens to the tune of Becca sniffling, so it’s off to a strong start already.
MY ROOMMATE AFTER 2.5 SECONDS OF WATCHING BECCA IN HYSTERICS OVER THE POLAROIDS: I’m out, I can’t do this.
Take me with you?
The camera keeps panning to different shots of the frozen tundra scenic landscape of Minnesota. I literally can’t tell if I’m watching Becca’s season or some hybrid version of Bachelorette/Winter Games.
BECCA: This is my time, my moment, my choice
Lol I especially love that she keeps emphasizing the word “choice” here. As if she would ever choose Arie had she not been held captive by ABC for six weeks. Thanks for the clarification, Becs!
Becca meets up with a few of the former Bachelorettes, otherwise known as their Victor’s Tour. They’re supposed to drink wine and give advice as to what Becca can expect from the men this season but, like, she’s dated a living, breathing human man before so I’m sure this won’t be much different.
JOJO: We’re standing on sacred ground here
ME: Isn’t this where you dry-humped Jordan in the middle of a cocktail party?
Tbh the only advice I’m coming away with from here is that I never want to sit next to Jojo on a couch, heinous jumpsuit or no. That bitch is beautiful.
We now cut to Becca picking out her dress for night one. I’ve already discussed AT LENGTH my feelings about Becca’s stylist (she’s a life ruiner, Becca!), and while I don’t love this dress, she does look great this season. She’s looking like she might actually find that former athlete of her dreams.
The men are starting to arrive, but first, we get to see what a few of these garbage people are like in the comforts of their own homes production’s pre-approved location where they can play out the desired storyline. Here’s what we’ve got:
Garrett is from Reno. BYE. Hard pass. Becca, send him home for that alone.
Jordan, the self-proclaimed “model,” proudly states that he can see himself on the couch with Becca. What an amazing future you’ve laid out for her!! How’s a girl supposed to turn down an amazing offer like that?!
JORDAN: I can see us on the couch, in sweats, with the chocolates.
ME:
As if I am to believe that a single glass of Champagne at the cocktail party won’t be Jordan’s cheat day for the month. K. Jordan is like that skinny girl who thinks tweeting about how much pizza she eats makes her sound cool.
Moving on to the limo introductions. Okay, so I know Colton is trash because of his v sketchy past prior to filming, but he’s so beautiful I might forgive him. Like, what a cute intro he had! Good work, Colton. Next.
Grant’s next out of the limo and he starts off his relationship with Becca by bringing up her ex. Thanks for never letting the girl forget she’s a pity Bachelorette!
Jean Blanc makes Becca say “let’s do the damn thing” in french. My Do The Damn Thing official count is at 6 and we’re only two minutes into the limo intros. Someone fucking kill me please.
GOOD GOD. That hair. If Leo walked out of the limo for me I would call Chris Harrison over, slap him, and say “fuck you.”
Jordan comes out of the limo and visibly has to turn his personality on before he can tell Becca hello. Didn’t anyone else see that stumble??
BECCA: Hi there
JORDAN: *computer whirring sound*
ALSO JORDAN:
Oh! I stand corrected. Apparently Jordan is the creative genius behind his very own personal brand: the pensive gentlemen. Lolololol. Please tell me he has that printed on a business card. Like, did he steal that brand name from one of Derek Zoolander’s looks? Or from a shitty whiskey subscription box service?
Okay, but why are these guys fucking bewildered that there are more than five people competing for Becca’s attention? They have watched the show, yes?
JEAN BLANC: There’s a lot more guys than I anticipated.
THIS ISN’T HINGE, JEAN. You’re gonna have to do a little more than mumble some French and rely on your bio line to get you laid.
Kamil is the reason I question if men should be allowed to walk freely in this world. Right off the bat he’s like, “relationships work 60/40 so you better come to me, Becca.” Did he just BECKON her like she’s a dog or something? Did he??
If you’ll recall, Kamil was the guy who wrote “social media participant” as his job description, which felt honest at the time but now feels a little too spot-on. Why do I get the feeling that he’s about to comment on Becca’s Instagram from last night and say something like “whatever, you’re fat and I didn’t want you anyway”?
Okay, I retract my previous statements about Jordan. He needs to stay on this show forever. While the rest of the guys are feeling a single moment of insecurity for the first time in their entire damn lives, he’s acting like he’s Tyra Banks when one of the models from middle America shows up in a Juicy Couture tracksuit to judging.
JORDAN: First off, put some goddamn socks on. At least wear a pocket square.
ALSO JORDAN:
Goddd fucking damnit. There’s a grown-ass man dressed in a chicken suit. I thought this was The Bachelorette, not my suggested matches on Hinge.
Wait. Was that it? That’s all the men? I genuinely do not remember one single guy. How am I supposed to guess which guy will get the First Impression Rose if there was no lasting first impression to speak of??
BECCA: As you guys know, I went through a very public breakup, so please stop fucking bringing it up.
Little does she know that two minutes prior to this cheers-ing a group of them were in the kitchen commenting on how courageous Becca is for even finding the will to get out of bed each morning. So sweet.
So far none of these guys are really impressing me. There’s more personality in the cardboard cutout of Arie than in this entire mansion full of men.
Speaking of which, Jean Blanc decides that his second impression will be to gift Becca with an engraved candle in which he’s inscribed a poem. Just when I thought the “colonoisseur” couldn’t out-douche himself, there he goes exceeding my expectations. Congrats.
God, how many of these men are going to incorporate the phrase “let’s do the damn thing” into their conversations with her?
BECCA AFTER HEARING “LET’S DO THE DAMN THING” FOR THE 20TH TIME THIS EVENING: Omg I said that one time!
Becca is actually giving the chicken man the time of day and it’s making me question her already shitty taste in men. This is going to be like the Tickle Monster all over again, isn’t it? Ladies, we have to set the bar higher than men that are hiding their fetishes behind weird costumes!
Becca’s like “Garrett likes to fish and hunt and reminds me of my ex home so I’m into him.” What a strong foundation on which to build a lasting relationship. *sips wine*
Is it just me or is this cocktail party especially boring? Like why hasn’t anyone gotten wasted and tried to jump into the pool? Or at least accidentally spilled red wine on Jordan’s pocket square for funsies?
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
Chris, whom I actually liked for three seconds, tries to start some shit with Chase because that strategy worked so well for Blake and Whaboom last season. He’s like “some girl texted me and said you’re a douche and I’m telling everyone!!”
CHASE: What?
Okay, this conversation is just painful to watch. Like, what did Chase even do? Did he ghost this girl or something? Cause that’s kind of what it sounds like, but also so has every other pocket square-wearing asshole in that room. Whatever. I’m bored now.
Aaand the truth comes out about Jake From Minnesota! If you’ll recall, Becca casually whispered “what did I do to deserve this” under her breath when he exited the limo, so it’s clear she’s known him for longer than this cocktail party. Why do I feel like he’s the guy she friend zoned back home who’s now followed her onto The Bachelorette?
JAKE: I’ve had a very transformative year. Now that all of America wants you, I want you too.
First of all, I’m really curious what Jake means by “a very transformative year.” My two immediate thoughts: he either like, went to rehab or studied abroad in Europe. There is no in-between.
Oh shit, she just sent him home! In the middle of the cocktail party! I mean, I wasn’t expecting this guy to last but I certainly wasn’t expecting Becca to be so cold when she let him go. I knew you had it in you, girl!
Wills tries to explain his Harry Potter tattoo and it’s eerily similar to the way my sorority sister tried to explained the hidden meaning behind her “live, laugh, love” tattoo. Just quit while you’re ahead, kid. Also, people who think liking Harry Potter makes them quirky and interesting are among my least favorite people. Like, let me guess, do you also enjoy wine nights?
Becca’s about to hand out the First Impression Rose and I genuinely have no idea who she’ll pick. The only connection I’ve witnessed this entire fucking episode is between the chicken guy and his chicken puns. At least he’s consistent.
Anddd Garrett gets the rose. I’d say I’m shocked, but he does seem like her type. After Arie, I doubt this girl will ever date outside her comfort zone again.
We’re finally at the rose ceremony, and there’s so much fake tension in the room I can’t. Though by far the most interesting part of this entire episode is watching the guys slowly start to unravel when Becca picks the chicken guy. It’s fun to watch guys question their self-worth for once in their goddamn lives.
LEO: I’m a different kind of guy, the best kind of guy. There’s no way she won’t pick me.
BECCA: *chooses a grown man in a chicken suit over him*
LEO:
Final rose cut: Jake, Kamil, Joe the Grocer, Darius (*weeps*), Chase, Grant, and Christian all get sent home. All I have to say about this is, Joe, you deserved better. #JusticeForJoe
KAMIL: I’ve never been dumped this hard on national television a first date.
Kamil, please learn from this experience. That’s all.
Well, that was thoroughly disappointing. I think filing my taxes may have been more entertaining than those two hours of my life that I will never get back again. The most shocking revelation of this entire episode, I think, was that Christon’s name is pronounced “Christ-ahn” and not “Kristen”. ABC, you better step the fuck up with the drama! I came here to drink wine and talk shit, not drink wine and pass out on my couch before 10pm. BYE.
Images: Giphy (6); ABC (2)
