The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Final Rose

Well ladies, we’re here, we’ve made it. The Bachelorette season finale. We’re down to the last two men: Blake, a man whose idea of the perfect evening involves his mother and rewatching Mama Mia! for the tenth time, and Garrett, who has probably started sentences with “I’m not trying to be racist, but…”. Damn, how did this girl get so lucky??

Moving on to the Bachelorette finale recap: Chris Harrison, please STOP trying to say that we’ve all been dying to find out how this season ends. It’s like he doesn’t realize we know how every minute of the entire season will play out two weeks before it even premieres? Silly, Chris.

Garrett’s up first to meet Becca’s family. He keeps talking about how nervous he is, but as long as he doesn’t comment on the size of Becca’s sister’s hair then he should be okay.

Okay, WHO is this Uncle Chuck person and why is he rocking a massive cross as a choker? I bet the only time Uncle Chuck has ever taken that thing off was when Becca needed to bring it to her tattoo “artist” as a template for her HAND TATTOO. It’s all making sense now. I suddenly understand where Becca inherited her good taste in style.

Garrett has to be drunk during this, right? Because the only time I cry this much is in a club bathroom after nine vodka sodas while explaining to the girl one stall over that no one really “gets me.”

Meanwhile, the sister’s hair is growing by the minute. Each time Garrett sheds a tear, her hair grows another inch.

Monica Geller

^^Actual footage of her sister rn in this tropical climate

HAHA. Garrett just said Uncle Chuck “came in hot” with the questions and I’m dying. I’m pretty sure the deepest question he asked was “have you ever cried with Becca.” If he thinks that question is tough then I’m nervous absolutely giddy at the thought of Chris Harrison grilling him in the hot seat later.

Blake’s up next to meet the family, and he brings wine. A strong start, but first he’ll have to swim under the moat production had to build over Garrett’s tears yesterday. 

BLAKE: I gravitate towards strong women. Independent women. Women I sometimes call “mommy.”

Is anyone else getting a weird mommy dearest vibe from Blake rn? Like, we get it. Your mother still cuts the crusts off your sandwiches and is the first to like your inspirational selfies on Instagram. Enough, I beg of you.

Elsewhere, Becca sobbs into a couch cushion over how, like, hard her life is rn while her sister tries not to beat her with the mass of her hair. She’s like “I know this must be so hard for you to have two very attractive men vying for your attention.”

ALSO EMILY: Here, we’ll flip a coin. Heads I get Garrett and tails I get Garrett, k?

HAHAHAH. Becca’s mom just told Blake “it’s okay if she doesn’t pick you though.” Like, does this lady not realize those words are going to make him  dive off the nearest Maldivian cliff now??

MY GOD Blake is so effing dramatic. He keeps saying how things are off with him and Becca. He’s sitting there nitpicking every word that comes out of her mouth and over-analyzing her body language and—wait. Sh*t. I’m just realizing. I might be a Blake. Blake might be me. 

CHRIS HARRISON: Wow. Blake is in a tailspin right now.

Ah, Chris. Always there to kick someone when they’re emotionally ready to jump of a cliff. God bless you. You keep me young.

Becca asks her family who they liked best and it feels like they’re Team Blake, no?

BECCA’S FAMILY: I’m not saying who you should choose, but Blake is your equal in every way.
UNCLE CHUCK: But Garrett’s got a really beautiful soul. He’s just such a poet.

Why do I feel like Uncle Chuck also likes questionable memes on Instagram in his spare time?

Why does Becca keep saying she and Garrett started off slow? Didn’t he get the first impression rose? On The Bachelorette that’s a good as a marriage proposal.

Okay, I will say that I’m swooning a little over Becca and Garrett’s boat date. When I go on Hinge dates with #NotAllMen types, it’s less dolphins and sunsets and more “you’re a feminist so you can grab the bill, right?”

Cut to the evening portion of the date and Garrett starts painting a picture of what his and Becca’s life will look like. It includes dirty diapers and date nights in the grocery aisle! What a beautiful life you’ve planned for her, G, that doesn’t sound even a little bit sexist!

GARRETT: I’ll stand by you and choose you every single day.

THOSE ARE LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME WORDS ARIE SAID TO HER. GARRETT, COME ON. You’ve got to have better material than that.

Okay, he’s def wine drunk during this entire night. He keeps talking about how he sees forever with her, but I just don’t believe that a guy who was divorced before the photographer could even develop the wedding photos really understands the concept of forever.

Moving on to Blake’s one-on-one date. It’s not looking good for Blakie. Why do I feel like he’s going to have a mental breakdown the likes of which have not been seen since the time Blake discovered his mom was banging his coach?

Does anyone else feel like Becca is slowly trying to distance herself from Blake? Blake is trying to ask what her family thought of him and she can’t even give an answer without mentioning Garrett’s name somewhere in it.

BECCA: Well, my sister liked both you and GARRETT. Both you and GARRETT are such good guys.
BLAKE: *internally screams*

She hasn’t said your name once, Blake, better call your mom while there’s still time to have her fly out and be waiting in the wings with tissues and Ben & Jerry’s after the proposal.

WAIT. Did Blake also make Becca a sad handwritten book?? Did he just copy Jason’s “how to be the next Bachelor” worksheet? Where are these dudes even getting these ideas from? Early 2000s rom coms?

Oh wait. It’s a time capsule. Doesn’t a time capsule imply that time has had to pass before you can open it? Like, those photos are from today, dumbass.

ABC brings out Neil Lane from the hole where they stash him in between seasons so he can cobble together diamonds for them. His eyes practically light up when Garrett says he’s been married before. Like he knows he’s going to get free publicity AND the ring back in 3-6 months when Garrett realizes Becca walks in women’s marches and wants equal pay.

Meanwhile, Becca’s getting ready for her big proposal and I’m already alarmed by what she’s willingly putting on her body without being held at gunpoint or anything. First, there’s the earrings, then there’s the CROCHET HALTER on that sequined monstrosity she’s trying to pass off as formal wear. She might as well have set that 18 grand ABC gave her for wardrobe on fire.

GARRETT: It’s terrifying to think that I might be engaged again, but at least I didn’t rush into it this time.

YOU’VE KNOWN THE GIRL SIX GODDAMN WEEKS. What do you mean you’re not rushing into this? How long did you date your last bride? 10 days?

Alright, deep breaths, people. The moment ABC has been holding us hostage for all effing season is finally here, and Chris Harrison is really hyping it up. He’s like “prepare yourselves because what you’re about to see contains graphic footage of a grown man going to literal pieces on national television. Let’s tune in!”

The boat pulls up and it’s Blake. BLAKE IS GOING HOME. Tbh just once I would like to see them have the winner go first and then the second guy gets rejected passively the second he pulls up and takes one look at Becca’s already occupied finger. Is that so much to ask?

Oh god he’s sweating so bad. He’s, like, sitting in a pool of it. Blake goes “when all this is done it’s just gonna be you and me, babe.” YOU AND ME BABE. I’m f*cking dying. This is so painful to watch.


Sidenote: Do you think they send them to these extremely hot locales only to make the breakups that much more emotional? Because I am EXTREMELY dramatic when I’m hot. I think I threatened to commit suicide today when I went out to pick up my lunch.

The two of them having this breakup fight whilst dripping sweat must be what the 9th circle of hell looks like. Her makeup is literally ROLLING OFF her face and he’s using his suit jacket as a towel. It’s so hard to watch.

Yo he’s soooo salty about this whole thing. He just shrugged off her goodbye! I wonder if she can hear him howling from the limo as her glam squad tries to fix her face before Garrett comes in.

OMG Blake sobbing into this towel rn is TV gold. I want to save this and watch this on repeat for the rest of my life.

BLAKE: I can’t believe after all this I have to do this crazy thing called life alone.

Blake, I’m right there with you, buddy. You think it’s easy spending six weeks watching your fool ass on national television and only have a relationship with my Seamless guy to show for it? WELL, IT WASN’T.

Wait. Is ABC really going to cut to the live after show rn? *throws laptop at wall* Goddamnit, ABC, I will burn your studio to the ground if you make me wait one more minute for this proposal.

Becca comes out and Blake is like “ugh I was hoping you looked ugly.” Honestly, Blake, you’ve seen her in all the sequins Forever21 has to offer and still thought she was beautiful so obviously we can’t trust your judgement here.

Okay, Blake is handling this breakup confrontation way too well. He’s definitely campaigning for the new Bachelor spot. Jason, you’ve got some competition!

CHRIS HARRISON: Did you cry in your mother’s arms after Becca dumped you at the altar? How many times?

CHRIS HARRISON: Blake, what will help you move on?
BLAKE, INTERNALLY: If you would make me the next f*cking Bachelor.

FINALLY. We get to see the proposal. Garrett is like “you look amazing today” and that’s how you know they’re going to make it. If he can propose to her while she’s looking like the discarded scraps of  a Project Runway challenge then you know it’s real.

Okay, this speech is so half-assed. Did he just Google “good proposals” and then go with the first thing that popped up? Also, why is she interrupting him halfway through that mediocre speech? OMG he thinks she’s dumping him! Becca you’re so cruel, I love it.

Ugh why is she proposing to him now? BECCA, HE HAS ONE JOB. LET HIM DO IT.


Jesus. The bar is so low, isn’t it ladies?

Becca and Garrett make their debut on “After The Final Rose” and they’re both plastered. It’s the only explanation for why she keeps screaming so much.

I will say Becca looks amazing tonight. It’s amazing what love, stability, and fresh extensions will do for a girl who thinks sequins are appropriate for any occasion.

Chris calls out Emily and I feel so bad for this girl. Like, don’t call attention to her hair anymore than the producers already have! You know the second he shouted at her, her hair stood at attention and was like “oh sh*t! They’re talking to me.”

GARRETT HAS A MULLET WIG. Becca’s trying to play it off like it’s just a fun disguise for when they sneak around and not like it’s something they bust out in the bedroom. Sure, Jan. Sure.

Ah, so they ARE going to address the memes. In the last seven minutes of this goddamn episode. Way to give this sensitive topic the time and attention it deserves, ABC! You’re just lucky I’m so f*cking exhausted from watching THREE HOURS of this horse sh*t that I’m not going to riot in the streets over this.

Oh my god Becca just tried to say that this meme thing was Garrett trying to challenge her. YEAH CHALLENGING YOU TO SMACK HIM.

CHRIS HARRISON: There’s ups and downs and trying to explain to your fiancé why it’s not okay to say that child survivors of a school shooting are crisis actors. That’s a relationship!

The season ends with ABC gifting the happy couple with a mini van! They drive off into the sunset and I guess it’s nice that Garrett still lets Becca drive. You know, at least until they have kids!

And on that note, good season everybody! I mean, good for everyone but Becca who is going to have to wear that tacky-ass ring for the rest of her contractually obligated life. See you all tomorrow in Paradise, because ABC doesn’t want me to have a goddamn life.

Images: Giphy (10)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 4

Welcome back for another episode of Who Wants To Marry A Predator The Bachelorette! I’m starting to be genuinely concerned that this week we’ll find out Bill Cosby has joined the cast of “eligible bachelors” vying for Becca’s heart. Also, unrelated: ABC, YOU’RE TRASH. On that note, let’s resume with the shit talking week 4 Bachelorette recap, k?

The Rose Ceremony Continued

Wait. We’re STILL doing this rose ceremony? Has time passed at all?? Or is Hell this red satin abomination rose ceremony and I’m living in it on a loop?

Blake starts off his plea for a rose by discussing how many children Becca should bear him. This is the part where I would send his presumptuous ass packing, but since Becca’s bar for these men is set somewhere around “hopefully doesn’t have a felony,” I’m guessing Blake will stick around for a little longer. Cool, cool.

HAHAHA. I forgot about the chicken guy being in the ICU. Jordan is like “I’m not saying I’m blessed, but I did pray to God for this to happen for approximately the last four weeks.”


David shows up to the rose ceremony and he looks fucking horribleworse than I did after New Years Eve 2016 when I woke up with a half-eaten pizza crust in my bed and several outgoing calls to my ex from six years ago. If having a mangled face doesn’t get the boy a rose, then I don’t know what will.

Side-note: which producer do we think David had to pay off to unscrew some screws in his bunk?

THE. CRYSTALS. ON. THE. BACK. OF. THAT. DRESS. Why God? Why do you test me like this? Becca, you really make it hard to root for you sometimes. 

Final rose cut: Ryan and Mike get sent home. I wish I could say they’d be missed, but I genuinely cannot recall one single fact about them.

After Becca cuts the dead weight, she announces that the men are going to Utah this week! Utah!


Okay, but why is Becca really like “I’m so excited to be here in Utah”?? And more importantly, what has she done to be so badly victimized by casting, wardrobe, and now the travel budget?? Please enlighten me, ABC.

Also, didn’t they go to Park City last season? Does ABC have a Groupon or something? Is Ben Wyatt holding their purse strings these days?

The One-On-One Date

Becca chooses the racist, woman-hating, homophobe Garrett for this week’s one-on-one date because she’s “really excited about him.” Do you hear that, ladies? With choices like these, how can we ever end up dying alone with our cats?!

Becca’s like “Garrett reminds me of home. And my dad.” AND HER DAD. I think I just felt Mr. Kufrin roll over in his grave.

Cut back to the house where Lincoln, the suitor who is a literal sex offender, just announced that he believes the world is flat. Is it too late to put him back in his mother’s womb?

Anyways, back to this date. Becca cannot stop gushing about Garrett, and I’m genuinely terrified she ends up with him.

Becca is every girl rn: “Garrett is just so handsome, IDK why. He’s just so tall.” Know who else was handsome, Becca? TED BUNDY.

K this bobsled love story is great and all but it does not compare to the greatest bobsled story of all time, COOL RUNNINGS, amiright?

They take their date back to a place called The Moose Resort, which sounds like my personal nightmare, but Becca damn near cums from the sight of the hooved decor. Damn. Maybe her and Garrett really are perfect together.

BECCA: You remind me of my dad! Hope that’s not weird!!

OH SHIT. Garrett was married before?? FOR TWO MONTHS?! I mean, he honestly takes the sanctity of marriage about as seriously as every other contestant on this show, so I’m not sure why Becca looks appalled here. At least he’s willing to propose!

Garrett describes getting married like the process that goes into a drunken one night stand: “one thing led to another and—boom!—we signed a legally binding agreement to be together for life!”

Wait… is he actually claiming emotional abuse from his ex? I’m sorry, but are you fucking kidding me with this? Garrett’s like “she was a red flag.” YOU ARE A RED FLAG.

Also, LOL at Garrett saying he and Becca share the same values when one of them thinks the Parkland survivors are actors and one marches in the Women’s March. Yeah, this sounds like a long-lasting connection.

This is why this is the only one-on-one date I need:

Shop Betches One-On-One

Shop Betches The Bachelor One-On-One Tank

The Group Date

For the group date this week, Becca announces her secret lumberjack fetish. She’s like “while everyone was daydreaming of Leo DiCaprio I was daydreaming of the type of guy who would certainly vote against women’s rights lumberjacks.” Ah, yes, her attraction to Garrett is all starting to make sense now.

“I learned a man’s gotta be a lot tougher than the timber he’s cutting,” Johnny Cash. Do I find my Paul Bunyan or am I left in the sawdust? Tune in tonight to find out. #somuchwood

A post shared by Rebecca Kufrin (@bkoof) on

Okay, David has gotta go. I know he has a mangled face or whatever, but I can’t with him anymore. He’s definitely intimidated by this log chopping activity and also his girlish figure. He’s like “this seems strenuous and I don’t know how much I’m allowed to do with my injury.” IT’S YOUR FACE THAT’S INJURED, NOT YOUR ARMS, DAVID.

The men are to participate in some sort of Lumberjack Olympics, and this can only end in someone splitting their skinny jeans. *turns up volume*

Ugh. No one split their pants because the universe truly doesn’t want me to have nice things. But the nerd who invented Venmo somehow bested all of these “former athletes” at the lumberjack games, pulling out a last-minute victory in a climbing competition that was ripped straight from that “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You” scene in Mulan. (Did anybody else think that, or was it just me?) Tbh good for him. If not for this win, I would have entirely forgotten he was on this show.

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Becca has decided to drape herself in jewels. And by “jewels” I mean whatever was left on the 50 percent off display table in Kohl’s jewelry section. So, it’s starting off strong.

Jordan pantses himself to try and prove his loyalty to Becca. To be fair, she did gift him those gold booty shorts, so I understand his line of thinking here.

Okay, why does Colton have a stick up his ass about this? He’s pissed because Jordan is nearly always nude in Becca’s presence, but I think this has less to do with the booty shorts, and more to do with Colton being a virgin who can’t drive. Let the boy live, Colton!

Elsewhere, Jean Blanc is acting creepy AF. Becca’s like “I’m usually pretty intuitive when it comes to people and something is off with him.”

Oh, you’re pretty intuitive, Becca? And yet you had no idea that the guy who proposed to you was picturing someone else? Riddle me that.

Oh shit, is Becca getting rid of him? Just like that? I feel like some creepy shit must have gone down off-screen to make her kick him out like this. I mean, I know he’s creepy, but didn’t he get the group date rose last week? This feels sudden.

Omg he’s asking for the perfume back. HE’S ASKING FOR THE PERFUME BACK. I literally want to crawl into my couch.

I want my pink shirt back

JEAN BLANC: I love you. You’re so beautiful. You’re my whole world.
BECCA: You’re a good guy but I’m just not there yet.
JEAN BLANC: Fuck you, bitch. You’re ugly and I never wanted you anyways.

Jean Blanc is literally every guy who’s ever messaged me on a dating app.

Okay, Becca is losing it over Jean’s little confession. Why is she so shocked that he was lying? He just met her! Of course he was lying! They’re all lying!

Lol the look on Becca’s face as she addresses the rest of these men is priceless. You know she’s starting to think that the rabid wolves that populate wilds of Minnesota might make better company than these degenerates. She’s like “all I expect is honesty from you guys.”  YEAH, YOU AND THE REST OF THE WORLD, HONEY.

The Second One-On-One Date

Wills gets the second one-on-one date and I’m pissed it’s getting overshadowed by Becca’s sudden realization that men are trash. It’s 2018, Becca. If you want a good guy then you’re gonna die alone!

Okay, this date is actually kind of cute despite the fact that I want to cut her for looking slim AF in those snow pants. They take snowmobiles out and have a fun time freezing their asses off and barely speaking to each other for half the day. It’s like ABC modeled this after my answer to “describe your perfect date.”

Oh GOD. Becca, could you stop bringing up your other boyfriends on this date? Wills is just trying to have a chill time, sipping champagne, and she can’t STFU about Jean Blanc.

I’m watching this date and Wills being super cute and all I can think is that he seems like an actual decent human being. I’m sure tomorrow we’ll find out he murdered his parents or something.

Wills, call me. 

The Rose Ceremony

There’s no cocktail party tonight, just a rose ceremony because for once ABC appreciates my time and sanity. That, and they can’t be late for the premiere of their new abomination, The Proposal.

All the men are acting shocked that they won’t get one more shot at serenading bullshitting Becca. I guess they’ll just have to hope one of Becca’s friends showed a mild interest in them last episode and Becca will keep them around to prove something to herself.

Jesus Christ. MY EYES. Becca, what in God’s green earth are you wearing? It looks like she’s wearing couture toilet paper or something. Tbh it’s probably a good thing she nixed the cocktail party, lest some of the men took a longer look at her and realized their football careers weren’t worth it maybe there’s other, better-dressed fish in the sea.

Becca Kufrin

This rose ceremony is tense AF. Becca hands out the last rose and it goes to Jordan. The other men in the room look like they got less than 1,000 likes on a photo, but I’m internally cheering. Jordan is the only reason I don’t pass out on the couch every Monday night watching this shit. 

Final rose cut: Christon and Nick get sent home. I forgot Christon was even a contestant until just now, but at least he went out with class. You’ll be missed (at least for the next 5-10 minutes until I forget all about you again)!

Images: Giphy (6); ABC (1); @bkoof /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

Hello friends! We’ve made it to week two of Becca’s quest to find love, and I’m not sure what I find more alarming about this season: that she’s already gotten rid of the most promising contestant (#JusticeforJoe) or that I’m actively rooting for Jordan to take over as her stylist. Anyway, shall we dive right in with this week’s Bachelorette recap?

The episode begins with Becca impractically riding a bike around LA and looking far too happy about dating. She does realize what’s out there in the world, right?

BECCA: I’ve been through a lot this year and I need to chill for a little bit.
ALSO BECCA: I’m going on 20 first dates tonight!!

The First Group Date

And here we are. The very first group date of the season and Becca shows up in yet another white dress. Subtle, Becca. V v subtle. As far as I can ascertain, the purpose of this date is for Becca to watch 12 grown men strip while drinking Champagne? I support this.

Yesssss. Rachel is back! And she brought her human consolation prize fiancé with her. How sweet. All I know is she better rein in some of that personality of hers because these guys might get confused and start imprinting on the first woman to stop speaking in catchphrases.

Ah, yes, the true meaning of this date comes out. The boys have to crawl through mud and compete in some sort of demented obstacle course for my Becca’s enjoyment, all while wearing formal wear. I think the real obstacle here will be watching Jordan break down at the thought of ruining the delicate fabric of his jacket and still being forced by an ABC producer to consider him sexy. Bring it on, ABC. Bring. It. On.

Watching Rachel break down this obstacle course just makes me remember what having a Bachelorette with a personality was like. Sighs. Take me back?

Jordan takes it upon himself to describe the true meaning of love this obstacle course just in case we didn’t understand Rachel’s clear, definitive directions from five fucking seconds ago. He’s  like “basically we have to drag a ball and chain, get cold feet, go up a slippery slope, and buy a ring, and that’s what love is.” Did you hear that, Becca? AND THAT’S WHAT LOVE IS. Jesus. She’s going to die alone.

Lincoln wins the obstacle course and people are PISSED. Connor is like “he’s a cheater and he can’t be trusted,” but, like, I feel like that’s the least of the red flags in a group full of adult men with carefully applied spray tans, ya know?

SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.

Okay, I can’t take Lincoln seriously ever since I found out he is a floor shitter. Like, he thinks toilets are unsanitary so he makes a SHIT CIRCLE out of paper and SHITS ON THE FLOOR IN PUBLIC and picks it up like he’s picking up after a dog. He is revolting.

LINCOLN: Kissing Becca is like flying to the moon on a Pegasus.

I rest my fucking case.

Cut to Becca talking about being hopeful for “real connections tonight” and Lincoln all but making out with her photo after one glass of Pinot Grigio. Should she pack up her bags now or…?

Connor is like, “Lincoln is a giant douchebag who can’t be trusted.” Meanwhile Connor’s shirt is nearly fully unbuttoned. The irony in this room rn is next fucking level.

Lololol in an act of great maturity Connor CHUCKS LINCOLN’S PHOTO INTO THE POOL. *slow claps* Wowwww. This might be the best thing to ever happen to me or this recap but, like, it can’t end well for Connor. Also, is it just me or does Connor look like he’s the face of revenge porn?

LINCOLN: That picture was like my medal of honor, you know?


Oh my fucking god, is Lincoln TATTLING on Connor? He pulls Becca aside and literally bursts into tears about his picture getting smashed. Like, is Becca babysitting rn? I didn’t realize she was running kindergarten politics over here.

Jean Blanc gets the group date rose, proving that disgusting comments about a woman’s lips only work if the rest of the men in the room are literally flaming piles of garbage. Congrats.

Okay, I was unsure if Lincoln was actually crying at the cocktail party earlier (I’m blaming his accent the garbled consonants he’s trying to pass off as language) but now he’s actually sobbing. Like, openly weeping. In front of his competition. In broad daylight.

LINCOLN: I feel like I’m being tested here.
RANDOM GUY WHOSE NAME I CAN’T REMEMBER: We’ve all been tested here one way or another.

Do we think he’s referring to the emotional journey they’re going on or the mandated STD screening they all barely passed? It’s a toss-up for sure.

Blake’s One-On-One Date

Moving on. Blake gets the first one-on-one date, and I’m having a hard time recalling who tf this guy even is? Is this the horse guy from After The Final Rose? Has he always looked this way?

The date starts off strong with the couple driving out into the slums of California. Tbh it looks a little like my neighborhood in Bushwick but, like, nicer. Meanwhile, Blake is quietly panicking. He’s like “is that graffiti on the walls??” The panic in his voice rn is a clear indicator of how white this date is about to be. Carry on.

Oh good fucking god. Someone gave Becca a garage jumpsuit and and she is jazzing it up by promoting her latest Charming Charlie purchases. BECCA, THAT BELT SHOULD BE BURNED AND SO SHOULD YOUR STYLIST. Seriously, she doesn’t want you to be happy.

Smashing! #TheBachelorette

A post shared by The Bachelorette (@bacheloretteabc) on

Wait. This date is actually amazing. They want Becca to go full-on Taylor Swift and smash the shit out of all of her ex-boyfriend’s stuff. I mean, this is common practice on all of my first dates too, but let’s hope the response will be better for Becca. And by “better response” I mean hopefully the cops won’t be called.

^^actual footage of what’s happening on this date rn

Cut to the cocktail portion of this evening. Ugh are they going to spend this entire fake dinner talking about their pain and heartbreak? Because if so, I’m going to have to entertain myself with the bottom of this wine bottle. Brb. I’ll be back when they stop pretending like being dumped is a strong foundation for building a relationship.

The Second Group Date

The second group date is going to involve something athletic and I know this because Becca shows up to the date wearing METALLIC GYM SHORTS. I think I finally know what Lincoln meant about being tested, because I’m starting to feel like her stylist wants to fight me.

Apparently this date is going to be a game of dodgeball and the guys have to train with small children before the big tournement. Why is there always at least one date where they exploit random children?


After a full 20 minutes of being emotionally abused by children, the guys have to participate in a dodgeball tournament. I’m giddy at the prospect of this bloodshed.

“That’s a bold strategy, Colton. Let’s see how it plays out for him” —All of America watching the dodgeball date

Hmm. I wonder if they will rebroadcast this episode on ESPN8 The Ocho…

Moving on to the cocktail party. My retinas are slowly imploding at the sight of Becca’s outfit. I just don’t even know where to look. Why are there so many sparkles? There are sparkles on her dress, her eyeshadow, and those godforsaken chokers. Is her aesthetic the floor of a Forever 21? I’m confused.

Okay, what do we think Colton is going to confess here? I feel like now would be a good time to announce the whole v-card thing, especially with the state of undress he’s currently in. His shirt is literally unbuttoned to his navel. I can only assume he’s trying to go for the “I’m not a regular virgin, I’m a cool virgin” vibe. That, or he’s going to spill the beans about Tia and wants to distract Becca with his cleavage.

COLTON: I had a relationship with Tia, and we didn’t have the time to fully connect once I realized she wasn’t going to be The Bachelorette, I bailed.

Colton claims he’s a virgin which means he does anal. He says he dated Tia. They had a “weekend together.” Tia looks like she does anal. Does that make it better, Becca?

Bachelorette recap week 2

^This shot of Colton reevaluating his life and his choices is eerily similar to me when I look at my bank statement on Sunday and realize that I was not the victim of fraud and those “suspicious” credit card charges are all me.

The Rose Ceremony

Becca starts getting ready for the rose ceremony and she’s acting shocked that men are selfish scumbags. She’s like “there’s been so much drama and they keep making it all about them!” WELCOME TO THE YEAR 2018, BECCA.

Okay, that speech was a low-key cry for help. Did anyone else notice that? Becca’s like “this week has made me realize that I should have checked into a convent instead. Anyway, let’s do the damn thing.”

ME AND ALL OF AMERICA: But are you, like, okay?

I guess that speech must have put the fear of God Chris Harrison in them. They’re tip-toeing around Becca like she might just say “fuck it” and get rid of them all. They’re even starting to treat her like she’s a human being and not just a means to their Instagram endorsement deal ends. 

Jordan starts taking off his clothes and it’s like, fucking finally someone gets drunk and attempts to ruin their life by the pool. I’ve been waiting for this for two goddamn episodes. God bless Jordan for taking one for the team and actually making this cocktail hour bearable.

David, the man who showed up dressed in a full-on chicken suit night one, is like, “Jordan is such a clown.” POT, MEET KETTLE CHICKEN.  

DAVID: Do you think it’s respectful to take off your clothes like that?
JORDAN: I’m rubber, you’re glue.
ALSO JORDAN: If we were to take an IQ test I’m certain I’d pass higher than you’d think a male model would.

Never change, kiddo. Never change.

Becca pulls Colton aside, and it’s clear she’s pissed that he betrayed her trust and played a game of “just the tip” with one of her closest ABC-approved friends. She keeps talking about how “angry” and “hurt” she is but TBH she’s just jealous that Tia banged one of the hottest guys in the house before she could. Colton will most certainly be staying. At least until she can revenge make out with him in front of Tia.

Moving on to the rose ceremony. I can’t decide what’s more iconic in Bachelor/ette rose ceremony history: Corinne showing up after a nap or Jordan showing up in his underwear and a fuzzy, pink towel.


Ricky, Trent (who the fuck was Trent?), and Alex all get sent home. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall when they have to explain to their bosses why they took an extended leave of absence only to get sent home before the guy who said “I’ve shown my fashion, I’ve shown my skin, what more can I do?” Also, Alex, save those tears for someone who gives a shit. Please. You are a tall, semi-attractive white man. You’ll be fine in this life.

Next week’s episode looks like it should be a dumpster fire for Becca. Here’s hoping I’m not just talking about her outfits. See you betches next week!

Images: Giphy (4); ABC (5); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1

The season premiere of The Bachelorette finally arrived and it was…underwhelming, to say the least. Seriously, the most exciting part of that entire episode was seeing how far Jordan would go to extort himself for more Instagram followers. But we’ll get to that in this Bachelorette recap. First, let’s start at the beginning. And by “beginning” I mean the designated 10-15 minutes ABC will need to replay Becca’s utter humiliation and devastation for the sake of last season’s ratings. Obviously.  

The episode opens to the tune of Becca sniffling, so it’s off to a strong start already.


Take me with you?

The camera keeps panning to different shots of the frozen tundra scenic landscape of Minnesota. I literally can’t tell if I’m watching Becca’s season or some hybrid version of Bachelorette/Winter Games.

BECCA: This is my time, my moment, my choice

Lol I especially love that she keeps emphasizing the word “choice” here. As if she would ever choose Arie had she not been held captive by ABC for six weeks. Thanks for the clarification, Becs!

Becca meets up with a few of the former Bachelorettes, otherwise known as their Victor’s Tour. They’re supposed to drink wine and give advice as to what Becca can expect from the men this season but, like, she’s dated a living, breathing human man before so I’m sure this won’t be much different.

JOJO: We’re standing on sacred ground here

ME: Isn’t this where you dry-humped Jordan in the middle of a cocktail party?

Tbh the only advice I’m coming away with from here is that I never want to sit next to Jojo on a couch, heinous jumpsuit or no. That bitch is beautiful.

We now cut to Becca picking out her dress for night one. I’ve already discussed AT LENGTH my feelings about Becca’s stylist (she’s a life ruiner, Becca!), and while I don’t love this dress, she does look great this season. She’s looking like she might actually find that former athlete of her dreams.

The men are starting to arrive, but first, we get to see what a few of these garbage people are like in the comforts of their own homes production’s pre-approved location where they can play out the desired storyline. Here’s what we’ve got:

Garrett is from Reno. BYE. Hard pass. Becca, send him home for that alone.

Jordan, the self-proclaimed “model,” proudly states that he can see himself on the couch with Becca. What an amazing future you’ve laid out for her!! How’s a girl supposed to turn down an amazing offer like that?!

JORDAN: I can see us on the couch, in sweats, with the chocolates.


As if I am to believe that a single glass of Champagne at the cocktail party won’t be Jordan’s cheat day for the month. K. Jordan is like that skinny girl who thinks tweeting about how much pizza she eats makes her sound cool.

Moving on to the limo introductions. Okay, so I know Colton is trash because of his v sketchy past prior to filming, but he’s so beautiful I might forgive him. Like, what a cute intro he had! Good work, Colton. Next.

Grant’s next out of the limo and he starts off his relationship with Becca by bringing up her ex. Thanks for never letting the girl forget she’s a pity Bachelorette!

Jean Blanc makes Becca say “let’s do the damn thing” in french. My Do The Damn Thing official count is at 6 and we’re only two minutes into the limo intros. Someone fucking kill me please. 

GOOD GOD. That hair. If Leo walked out of the limo for me I would call Chris Harrison over, slap him, and say “fuck you.”

Jordan comes out of the limo and visibly has to turn his personality on before he can tell Becca hello. Didn’t anyone else see that stumble??

BECCA: Hi there

JORDAN: *computer whirring sound*


Oh! I stand corrected. Apparently Jordan is the creative genius behind his very own personal brand: the pensive gentlemen. Lolololol. Please tell me he has that printed on a business card. Like, did he steal that brand name from one of Derek Zoolander’s looks? Or from a shitty whiskey subscription box service? 

Okay, but why are these guys fucking bewildered that there are more than five people competing for Becca’s attention? They have watched the show, yes?

JEAN BLANC: There’s a lot more guys than I anticipated.

THIS ISN’T HINGE, JEAN. You’re gonna have to do a little more than mumble some French and rely on your bio line to get you laid.

Kamil is the reason I question if men should be allowed to walk freely in this world. Right off the bat he’s like, “relationships work 60/40 so you better come to me, Becca.” Did he just BECKON her like she’s a dog or something? Did he??


If you’ll recall, Kamil was the guy who wrote “social media participant” as his job description, which felt honest at the time but now feels a little too spot-on. Why do I get the feeling that he’s about to comment on Becca’s Instagram from last night and say something like “whatever, you’re fat and I didn’t want you anyway”?

Okay, I retract my previous statements about Jordan. He needs to stay on this show forever. While the rest of the guys are feeling a single moment of insecurity for the first time in their entire damn lives, he’s acting like he’s Tyra Banks when one of the models from middle America shows up in a Juicy Couture tracksuit to judging.

JORDAN: First off, put some goddamn socks on. At least wear a pocket square.


Goddd fucking damnit. There’s a grown-ass man dressed in a chicken suit. I thought this was The Bachelorette, not my suggested matches on Hinge.

Wait. Was that it? That’s all the men? I genuinely do not remember one single guy. How am I supposed to guess which guy will get the First Impression Rose if there was no lasting first impression to speak of??

BECCA: As you guys know, I went through a very public breakup, so please stop fucking bringing it up.

Little does she know that two minutes prior to this cheers-ing a group of them were in the kitchen commenting on how courageous Becca is for even finding the will to get out of bed each morning. So sweet.

So far none of these guys are really impressing me. There’s more personality in the cardboard cutout of Arie than in this entire mansion full of men.

Speaking of which, Jean Blanc decides that his second impression will be to gift Becca with an engraved candle in which he’s inscribed a poem. Just when I thought the “colonoisseur” couldn’t out-douche himself, there he goes exceeding my expectations. Congrats.

God, how many of these men are going to incorporate the phrase “let’s do the damn thing” into their conversations with her?


Becca is actually giving the chicken man the time of day and it’s making me question her already shitty taste in men. This is going to be like the Tickle Monster all over again, isn’t it? Ladies, we have to set the bar higher than men that are hiding their fetishes behind weird costumes!

Becca’s like “Garrett likes to fish and hunt and reminds me of my ex home so I’m into him.” What a strong foundation on which to build a lasting relationship. *sips wine*

Is it just me or is this cocktail party especially boring? Like why hasn’t anyone gotten wasted and tried to jump into the pool? Or at least accidentally spilled red wine on Jordan’s pocket square for funsies?

SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.


Chris, whom I actually liked for three seconds, tries to start some shit with Chase because that strategy worked so well for Blake and Whaboom last season. He’s like “some girl texted me and said you’re a douche and I’m telling everyone!!”

CHASE: What?

Okay, this conversation is just painful to watch. Like, what did Chase even do? Did he ghost this girl or something? Cause that’s kind of what it sounds like, but also so has every other pocket square-wearing asshole in that room. Whatever. I’m bored now.

Aaand the truth comes out about Jake From Minnesota! If you’ll recall, Becca casually whispered “what did I do to deserve this” under her breath when he exited the limo, so it’s clear she’s known him for longer than this cocktail party. Why do I feel like he’s the guy she friend zoned back home who’s now followed her onto The Bachelorette?

JAKE: I’ve had a very transformative year. Now that all of America wants you, I want you too.

First of all, I’m really curious what Jake means by “a very transformative year.” My two immediate thoughts: he either like, went to rehab or studied abroad in Europe. There is no in-between.

Oh shit, she just sent him home! In the middle of the cocktail party! I mean, I wasn’t expecting this guy to last but I certainly wasn’t expecting Becca to be so cold when she let him go. I knew you had it in you, girl!

Wills tries to explain his Harry Potter tattoo and it’s eerily similar to the way my sorority sister tried to explained the hidden meaning behind her “live, laugh, love” tattoo. Just quit while you’re ahead, kid. Also, people who think liking Harry Potter makes them quirky and interesting are among my least favorite people. Like, let me guess, do you also enjoy wine nights?

Becca’s about to hand out the First Impression Rose and I genuinely have no idea who she’ll pick. The only connection I’ve witnessed this entire fucking episode is between the chicken guy and his chicken puns. At least he’s consistent.

Anddd Garrett gets the rose. I’d say I’m shocked, but he does seem like her type. After Arie, I doubt this girl will ever date outside her comfort zone again.

We’re finally at the rose ceremony, and there’s so much fake tension in the room I can’t. Though by far the most interesting part of this entire episode is watching the guys slowly start to unravel when Becca picks the chicken guy. It’s fun to watch guys question their self-worth for once in their goddamn lives.

LEO: I’m a different kind of guy, the best kind of guy. There’s no way she won’t pick me.

BECCA: *chooses a grown man in a chicken suit over him*


Final rose cut: Jake, Kamil, Joe the Grocer, Darius (*weeps*), Chase, Grant, and Christian all get sent home. All I have to say about this is, Joe, you deserved better. #JusticeForJoe

KAMIL: I’ve never been dumped this hard on national television a first date.

Kamil, please learn from this experience. That’s all.

Well, that was thoroughly disappointing. I think filing my taxes may have been more entertaining than those two hours of my life that I will never get back again. The most shocking revelation of this entire episode, I think, was that Christon’s name is pronounced “Christ-ahn” and not “Kristen”. ABC, you better step the fuck up with the drama! I came here to drink wine and talk shit, not drink wine and pass out on my couch before 10pm. BYE. 

Images: Giphy (6); ABC (2)

How To Deal With A Horrible Boss Without Nuking Your Career

The Betches discuss the Men Tell All on The Bachelorette and the Anthony Scaramucci situation. Dear Betches include having an emotionally abusive boss and whether you should tell your friend if her husband is cheating on her. We also played games, fucking duh.

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: DeMari-NO

Catch up on last week’s ‘Bachelorette’ recap here!

This week on The Bachelorette, Rachel proved to be one of the betchiest Bachelorettes in history. She looked amazing, she gave zero fucks or tears about telling DeMario to GTFO, and she even used her date with Peter to get out of paying a dog sitter. She is a true class act. 

First Group Date

The group date has the guys doing some bizarre whipped AF “husband material” obstacle course featuring Rachel’s “friends” Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. This household chores event is impressive in its ability to be so unrealistic and so retro at once.

Where is the cunnilingus station in the husband material relay race?

I love how none of these black guys give a shit about Ashton Kutcher. Are we being Punk’d? Why do Ashton and Mila have to resort to this? Someone’s agents need to work a little harder.

How did Ashton know that Mila was “the one” at first sight when he met her before he was married to Demi Moore for like, 10 years? Asking for a friend. Ashton does not see Rachel’s husband in this group but TBH I can’t seem to find his acting career here either.

Lucas/Whaboom definitely won because he’s on like 50mg of Adderall. They totally had Lucas win the obstacle course to guarantee him one more week on the show without Rachel having to actually pick him.

Blake the aspiring drummer needs to drum his way out of here. He literally will not stop talking shit about Lucas and watching this dumb shit unfold must be how men feel when they watch Real Housewives.

Blake: Lucas is garbage. Rachel is looking for a husband and Lucas is here to be on television. Unlike me, Blake, who is here for everlasting love to be famous on Instagram. 

Blake to Lucas: I know Lucas from a previous encounter reality show. I KNOW HE’S JUST HERE TO FURTHER YOUR WHABOOM! HE’S A WHAFAKE!

What does it mean to “further your Whaboom?” Is this the new Scientology? Whaboom is not a brand, and we know that because if it was abc would be charging it for this ad space.

Rachel feels like she’s not getting the romantic aspect that she needs from this group date. Maybe it’s because she just had these guys wipe imaginary shit off fake babies for the past three hours?

Read: Blake & Whaboom’s Feud Started Way Before ‘The Bachelorette’

Date With Peter

Peter is super hot.

Rachel: A friend of mine was in an accident, so he’s going to come on our date today if that’s okay?
Peter: *internally screams* yeah omg no prob

Peter gets to go to Coachella for losers aka doggiefest.

Rachel: Peter loves dogs, which is so important to me
Peter: I really love dogs
Meanwhile, Rachel’s dog runs around a pool party unsupervised wearing a plaster cast.

How you know this show isn’t on Bravo: entire dog-based sequence happens without anyone chanting STOP YULIN FOREVER.

Rachel and Peter are part of a long line of gap toothed bitches as they discover in their very boring heart to heart.  

Second Group Date

Why does Rachel continuously refer to the celebrity guest spots as her “friends”

All the guys are like so fucking excited Ashton Kutcher isn’t in their group date guys and it’s a basketball player. 

ABC is seriously springing for the celeb appearances this season. Finally, they can get some basketball legends because you know Kareem Abdul Jabbar was not coming out for fucking Nick Viall. 

Pretty much everyone in America’s reaction to the idea that Kareem Abdul Jabbar is going to give Rachel advice on love and relationships. ^

The white guys are like shitting themselves over this basketball game. Where is white privilege when you need it?

DeMario’s girlfriend shows up at the basketball game and said he disappeared for a couple of days and the next time she saw him was after the final rose. This is like a serial ghoster’s worst nightmare.

Literally every fuckboy’s body language when you confront him about the shady shit he’s done. ^

Anyone who is not marginally delusional can tell that DeMario’s ex was definitely never actually his girlfriend but that DeMario was also definitely a fuckboy who kept their relationship vague and purely sexual. Also, minus five for DeMario for interacting with anyone for six months who has uttered the sentences below on national television.

On my kitten’s graves he never came to my house and broke up with me.”

“The last time he came to my apartment he was fucking me.”

Demario’s ex had to take a flight for this fight. She took work days off. Who’s crazy in that situation? #TheBachelorette

— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) May 30, 2017


And that’s what a strong independent 31-year-old woman does. 

Rachel: You’re not being honest so you can get the fuck out.

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

You tell him, Rachel. Never seen someone side step a waiting Chris B. Harrison like that. 

Rose Ceremony

I love how the guys act so surprised that someone would come on this show with a girlfriend fuck buddy, that only happens at least once EVERY OTHER SEASON.

Alex: Here’s an old Russian folk song about dark eyes. Okay, Alexander Petrovsky that’s enough.

DeMario then returns, waiting with security and Rachel agrees to go speak to him at the beginning of episode three because The Bachelorette refuses to end one single fucking episode of this show with an actual rose ceremony in attempt to claw their way to impeccable ratings. 

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Whaboom

Last night we met all of the guys who will be competing for Fit Tea endorsements, a Bachelor in Paradise invitation, and least of all, Rachel Lindsay’s love—and it’s like holy shit, do all of these guys have seriously deep issues… and like, all the same names? Josiah, Jedidah, Diggy, Iggy, Bryce, Bryan, Brady, Blake—it’s like 19 Kids and Counting.

Here’s what went down on the first episode of The Bachelorette.

Chris Harrison walks out of the house and does his classic season opener where he tells us that this Bachelorette is better than all the last.

Chris: We’ve seen seen many Bachelorettes in our history but never have we seen one .… don’t say with dark skin damn it Chris DON’T SAY DARK SKIN … so beloved.

After a few fake scenes of watching Rachel (I keep accidentally wanting to call her Lindsay) walk in and out of a court room yelling “I object”, we jump into meeting the bros.

Legally Blonde

Kenny — Professional wrestler i.e. Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King. Pulled a good move by telling Rachel about his ridiculous job and quickly mopping up the mess by letting her know he has a daughter. TBH isn’t his daughter like, way too big to be jumping up on her dad like that?

Jack Stone — Strong name, even stronger teeth. They were shockingly white. I think he’s probably used up every influencer on Instagram’s teeth whitening discount codes so he came on his show to get his own. Use code JackStone for 10% Off Express Smile Atlanta ☺

Alex — Russian man making various Russian meats with his parents. Why isn’t he already with Kristina?

Mohit — Is it weird that I shadily loved Mohit? Even though I question his choice to tell everyone he competitively Bollywood dances, he got drunk but in a way that was so adorable you sort of wanted to root for him. Like when the other guys were coaching him to interrupt a conversation or when Rachel (I typed Lindsay again DAMN IT) and Bryan kissed he whispered nooooo from a distance while air swimming. Oh well, bye Mohit. 

Lucas aka Whaboom — A lot to say about Whaboom. The producers were clearly looking for a male version of Corinne and that simply doesn’t exist so they just picked a guy off the streets that looks like he’s on a mild strain of crack. I feel like whaboom is just a word that millennials are using to get prescribed more Adderall because the doctors are on to them and the old excuses of “can’t concentrate” and “can’t keep my room clean.”


Lucas or any millennial: But Doc I have whaboom… ::WHABOOOOOOOOOM::
Doctor: Holy. Shit. Here’s a 20, now please leave I need to take a Xanax.

Blake — Aspiring drummer. He says he works out to build his testosterone level and has a large penis. He also loves talking about sex with girls. Let’s do a true bio:

Blake… Physical trainer, I just got fired so I have to talk about my drumming aspirations. I work out really hard to build my testosterone in hopes that it will reverse my being gay. I do not love to have sex with girls; in fact, I have never touched a boob. My penis is not large and I have ED.

Did we nail that one?

Josiah — He clearly has a really sad back story, is a lawyer, seems super smart (at least he did on his awkward fake lawyer phone call during the opener) and on paper he seems really perfect for Rachel… at first. But when you see him in the house he seems like he likes to stir shit and now we’re not so sure anymore. Plus 3 for his word play: See you later litigator, what a knee-slapper! I bet that Chris Harrison’s just proud to say that he’s the first guy to go from the hood to the Bachelor Mansion.

Diggy — Cute but a shoe hoarder. I know I know, men love their sneakers, but 575 pairs? He says his job is an “inventory analyst” and it is entirely possible that this just means he sits in his room and counts his shoes every day. “Yup gang’s all here!”

Gang's All Here Spongebob

The One Where Rachel Sits Down With Her “Squad”

Kristina and Raven both looked like they were about to stab Rachel in the eyes.

There were so many of those girls there it’s as if the producers asked if they could all come thinking like 3 would say no but they all have nothing to do so they all said yes and refused to give up their spot and so that’s why there were 6 of them there saying nonsense that no one could understand.

Corinne: Just let your emotions take control. Just let your emotions say yes. And nope.

I want to say that it was really great how Raven can channel her deep jealous rage into pretending to feel emotionally happy and tearful for Rachel but it actually looked like she was going to gauge Rachel’s eyes out.

Rachel: I love my squad because that’s what the producers told me to say!

Okay Back To The Bros

Peter — First guy out of the limo and if he ever dies his last words will be the 5 best places to visit in Wisconsin. Brought up his hometown about 675 times since he stepped out of that limo. “I’m actually from Wisconsin! Have you tried our cheese curds?”

He and Rachel have nothing in common except for the gaps between their teeth. “It’s not my fault you’re so gap toothed” will be their wedding hashtag. That or #ifuckinglovewisconsin

Jonathan: “I’m always the first person to make someone laugh”. Umm Jonathan is like the last person to make anyone laugh…maybe scream…scream for help.

Ugh Jonathan’s way of making Rachel laugh was to tickle her which is such a violation of personal space and not a way a girl wants to be made to laugh. It’s actually is a form of torture. Has anyone seen Tickled, the incredible documentary exposing competitive endurance tickling!!?? Oh my god does Jonathan work for Jane O’Brien Media?

Jonathan Tickle Monster

Dean — Brought up the fact that he said the awkward “black and never going back” thing during the After the Final Rose AGAIN. Nothing worse than someone making a joke and then having to discuss the joke afterwards, especially when it was like a few weeks ago. Also she wasn’t going to say she didn’t like it to your face. Rachel might be sweet, sour, sassy, and classy but she’s not mean.

Bryan — Was Bryan not the most meh choice for First Impression Rose ever?

Bryan: “Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en… en la azul… markada.”
Rachel: “Will you accept this rose?”

Then they like, ate each other’s faces which was really unpleasant to watch. I’m going to love watching Bryan try to continue speaking Spanish because he thinks that’s what turns her on and Rachel being like, “alright do you have any other tricks?”

Her rose speech to him: 

“From the moment you walked out the limo I felt there was something there was unexplainable… perhaps it was that I couldn’t understand what you were saying since it was in Spanish…”


That guy she knew from 8th grade — He was v. serious when he came out of the limo. So serious it seemed like he might be a serial killer. Like he was Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison. Came for revenge. Crossed out his hit list with lipstick.

What was up with Adam and the doll? Did I miss something? Why was he speaking French? Why was the doll’s facial features drawn on with such precision? I definitely missed something.

AJ Doll Bachelorette

When did that other guy have a chance to change into the penguin costume? Again, the producers are trying hard to recreate last season and it’s not working. Long live the shark dolphin.

First Confrontation Of The Season, Blake vs. Lucas

Blake: Lucas is like the guy at the family reunion that pinches your nipples. — Dude, what goes on at your family reunions?

Blake obviously has a lot of pent-up sexual aggression so he decided to direct it all at Whaboom. Little does our Little Drummer Boy know that because Whaboom has concussed himself to oblivion, he does not care what Drummy Mc Small Dick has to say. WHABOOOOOM.

It’s almost as if Whaboom has got himself stuck in an Ace Ventura Movie and hasn’t figured his way out.

Everyone was really pissed Lucas got a rose….

Guy 1: no way whaboom is making it past tonight
Guy 2: whaboom ain’t gettin’ no rose
Marine: I’m a marine, there’s no way he’s getting the rose over me
Rachel: Whaboom, do you accept this rose?

All the guys:

White Guy Blinking Meme

But they were all pissed for different reasons. One was like, “so much for that fake grandparents love story.” The other was like, hysterically crying because he couldn’t wear all of his outfits. Which is like totally a fit I would throw at camp, by the way.

This season is really shaping up to a be a shit show, and we can’t wait. All these guys come in kind of sort of normal, not that aggressive and end up beating the living shit out of each other. It’s like the producers of The Bachelor watched the movie Get Out and were like “Wait! I have an idea…”