As shocking as last night’s Bachelorette finale was, there were a lot of things that were fairly predictable. I was not surprised that the self-proclaimed dog jingle writer turned out to be a lying, cheating douchebag. I was also not surprised that Hannah practically started masturbating the second Tyler walked out on stage during After the Final Rose, because same. But the one thing that really got me last night was that Tyler, the walking human orgasm, the man who can officially get any woman in the world (including Gigi F*cking Hadid), was willing to give Hannah another chance.
Don’t get me wrong, Hannah was an amazing Bachelorette, and if she had just picked Tyler from the start, I’m sure they would’ve been great together (or at least enjoyed a few months of sponsorship bliss). But only now that she and Jed are never, ever, ever getting back together, is she interested in getting a drink with Tyler? When he’s been standing there looking like a Greek God this entire time? That’s not OK, Rahn.
Turns out, I’m not the only one who feels this way. Matt James, Tyler’s friend and the man that goes with Tyler on all of those shirtless runs on Instagram, apparently agrees with me.
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They say if you want to go somewhere fast, go alone. If you want to go somewhere far, go with someone… Just got done running a 5k this morning with Matt. Ran my best times due to being pushed by a partner. I encourage you guys to move today and move with someone! Make each other better! Going to be dropping the date, time, and location for our next group date run tonight! Looking forward to running with you all again! Have a blessed Sunday #Myler
While Hannah was up on stage flirting with Tyler (like any normal girl would), Matt was at home throwing a major hissy fit on Instagram. Matt is clearly not Team Hannah. Does Hannah really think she can just show up and steal Tyler away? Over Matt’s dead, rock hard body.
Yesterday, Matt shared 22 (twenty-two!) separate stories that hint at his disapproval for a Tyler/Hannah reunion. Do you know how long he had to stop running with his shirt off to post all of those stories? Cleary, this is a distraught man and we should be taking his posts seriously. Dude’s about to lose it. He’s definitely going to be putting a lizard in Hannah’s Evian the second her sees her.
I’m not going to share all 22 of Matt’s posts because it gets repetitive after a while, but we’ll go over the most important ones. Let’s start from the beginning.
We start off with Matt literally luring Tyler back into his arms with a cookie sandwich.
Reminding Tyler of all the good times they had together…with food.
Then, Matt went out and bought Tyler’s favorite pizza as a ploy to get his attention. It didn’t work. He’s on an all-carb diet. God Matt, you are so stupid.
This must’ve been the point where Hannah admitted to Chris that she had plans to dry hump Tyler on the couch when he came out.
Matt’s realizing what’s about to go down and is getting visibly upset.
Send help. Tyler just said he’d have drinks with Hannah.
Someone revive Matt. He’s no longer breathing. WHO IS HE GOING TO HAVE A HOT BOY SUMMER WITH?
Tyler: Just tell me when and where.
Matt: THANK YOU NEXT, BITCH.
If Matt really has any say over whether Tyler gets back with Hannah, then this relationship will be a strong as Jed’s jingle career. But it seems like Tyler may put Matt on the shelf for a bit so he can experience the windmill sex he’s been hearing about lately.
Hannah herself admitted last night on Jimmy Kimmel that she does plan to get a drink with Tyler, but they haven’t had time just yet. Granted, this Jimmy Kimmel interview was approximately 45 seconds after she and Tyler agreed to get a drink, so perhaps it was a little premature.
Jimmy Kimmel: We want you to have that drink, get married, f*ck in a windmill, and have a baby.
Hannah: I’m working on it.
Then, today, Tyler took to his Instagram to share a message for Hannah. Matt, you might want to earmuff this one:
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Dear HB, . What a ride… I’ll make this short and sweet. This journey with you is something that I will always cherish. I am so grateful for all the experiences that we shared together. You taught me so much about myself and pushed me to be a better man. I learned so much from you and so did the rest of Bachelor Nation. You were what we all needed as a lead. You showed strength and grace in the most beautiful way. You kept it real and gave us all of you. As one chapter closes, another one begins. The world is yours girl! Excited to see what you do with it. Looking forward to that drink. . . Forever your biggest fan, TC
“What a ride… I’ll make this short and sweet. This journey with you is something that I will always cherish. I am so grateful for all the experiences that we shared together. You taught me so much about myself and pushed me to be a better man. I learned so much from you and so did the rest of Bachelor Nation. You were what we all needed as a lead. You showed strength and grace in the most beautiful way. You kept it real and gave us all of you. As one chapter closes, another one begins. The world is yours girl! Excited to see what you do with it. Looking forward to that drink.”
Oh, it’s f*cking on. Sorry Matt, go get you inhaler.
Still, despite what fans want to see unfold, both Hannah and Tyler seem to be on the same page that a drink is just a drink… for now. When speaking with People, Tyler revealed, “I cherish Hannah and value her and our friendship so much, but I don’t think it’s healthy for us to jump into anything right away. I think we need to be friends and see where life takes us. Whatever happens, happens.”
Hmmm… friends. That should be easy to execute given that you had to skip fantasy suites because y’all we’re too attracted to one another. Excited to see how that turns out. Keep us posted, Ty.
“Tyler will always have a place in my heart no matter what our relationship looks like,” Hannah added.
Images: ABC; shesallbach, tylerjcameron3, mattjames919 (8)