I’ve never been more thankful for anything in my life. Yesterday evening marked the final episode of The Bachelor Winter Games. Four episodes was all America could handle, but definitely less than America deserved. USA! USA!

We get a peek into the Cult Headquarters Bachelor Winter House where all the snuggly couples are wearing footsie jammies, eating breakfast, and soaking up each other’s awesomeness.

Chris Harrison appears suddenly out of the immortal Vermont blizzard and enters the house looking less than amused. Turns out that’s just his face during this entire season of this atrocious program.

Chris informs the crew that not only is this the final week (THANK GOD) but that the couples will also have to compete in an ice dancing competition. He seems v excited at the prospect of additional injuries.

Actual footage of Chris Harrison

He also enlightens the crew that the winners will be the reigning king and queen of Bachelor world, with the power to strike down hotter better Bachelor world contestants and determine the breakup schedules of others. Ashley breaks into this conversation with “ARE THERE FANTASY SUITES?” Chris Harrison, shooketh, responds with “SLOW YOUR ROLL.” Chris, you was cold as ice!

The couples head out to a practice sesh with their not-good-enough-for-Dancing with the Stars clearly amazing ice dance coaches. Where ABC found MORE people to stoop this low, IDFK. Dean makes a speech about rocket ships and launching time, then we’re treated to a montage of practice and sexual tension.

Back At The House And Bibi’s Blowup

We head back to the mansion where Down Underers’ Lilly (is she REALLY only 21?!) and Courtney are making out in the hot tub, making snow angels in subzero temps, then shocking their bodies by getting BACK into said hot tub. Kids these days.

Meanwhile and away from the hot tub merriment, Jordan tries to have a v serious convo with Bibi about wtf they’re doing after this whole Vermont thing. Jordan is ready and willing to pursue Bibi and a relationship since that would entail leaving Australia where all living things are poisonous and moving to Miami where only the roving gangs of geckos and stray club promoters pose a real risk. Bibi is all “it’s not you, it’s me” so Jordan goes downstairs and angrily washes dishes. This guy gets me. Bibi starts angrily packing but calls it organizing. They chat again—Jordan is all, “what are we doing” and Bibi is all, “chill tf out, I don’t even have my Insta endorsement yet.”

Same.

Sister runs dramatically upstairs and Jordan waits dramatically downstairs before, more dramatically, making his way up. There are a lot of tears, then Bibi decides to go home. This is probs the most mature course of action considering a) they’ve known each other for four episodes (probs about 4 weeks real time) and b) live LITERALLY across the world from each other. Jordan also leaves and cries all the way back to Australia.

The Ice Dancing

Chris introduces two people I’ve never heard of and Nancy Kerrigan. You may remember her from WHYYYYYYYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY knee-smashing fame. I see you, Tonya Harding.

What commences in the next 10 mins (honestly it could have been 45 … I lost track) is Stassi and Luke crashing into a wall, Dean and Lesley trying to spin each other off the ice, Ashley and Kevin competing to be King and Queen of Canada and ice dancing, and Lilly and Courtney hopping like kangaroos and subsequently eating shit because, hello, don’t hop on the fucking ice.

Fantasy Suites

All of the couples are going on one-on-one dates complete with an optional Fantasy Suite card. Dinner AND potential sex?! JUST like the real world!

Dean and Lesley are up first, and they talk about her double mastectomy and her re-structured boobies. She loves em, which GO GIRL. Dean better not fuck this up. “Never has it crossed my mind that it would deter this relationship.” GOOD JOB, DEAN. This boy has grown tf up. Slightly. Obv they go to the Fantasy Suite and, I assume, have a GREAT time.

Stassi and Luke are next, and her plastic surgery is still v off-putting, but her personality is great. God, I wanna hate them, but these two are cute. Stassi says she can’t do the Fantasy Suite because she “cannot see the shame in (her) mother’s eyes.” DAMN. Are Americans all big whores? We’re a nation of sluts, y’all. Luke assures her that he doesn’t care/it’s totally k and can nurse his blue balls on his own. What a champ.

Yay, time for Lilly and Courtney. They launch into an imaginary convo about this being Courtney’s house complete with all the animals he’s skinned. This would have been good for getting a lady in the mood if that lady were Kendall. Courtney lays it all out and says he’s falling in love andddd Lilly of course reciprocates. Despite their declarations of feelings, they, TOO, sleep in two separate rooms which, AGAIN, does nothing to dispel my feeling that Americans are whores.

IT’S HAPPENING.

Ashley and Kevin OH BOY and we’re having the virgin convo again. She talks about waiting for a nice boy, which, like, yes but c’mon. Treat that shit like a Band-Aid and rip it off if you’re gonna be bringing it up all the damn time. She starts crying again mid-hug because she’s so happy. Does this bitch ever STOP crying? Does Kevin know what he’s in for? After a quick glance at Chris Harrison’s Bang-vitation, the pair decide to go for it. Here’s the room, with the cozy fire and the big cozy bed and …

Have fun kids.

The Ice Dancing

“Dean has eyeliner on today” — a line that pretty much sums up this whole competition. Kevin stumbles and hurts his knee, potentially putting his and Ashley’s event on the line.

They really do sing the Bachelor National Anthem again, and I think about killing myself.

Dean and Lesley are up first, and for some reason their routine fills me with rage. As the American couple, I expected them to really impress me. They did not. Four thumbs down.

Next are Courtney and Lilly, and their disgustingly cute routine employs weird leg lifts, hopping like marsupials, and adorable awkwardness which has me feeling nauseous.

Luke and Stassi dance to a v Russian number with a split at the end. Way to go.

Fucking finally, newly de-flowered Ashley and Kevin perform a routine full of Chris Harrison’s innuendos about the fact that, yes, they probs did it. Chill Chris, chill.

After tears and blood and sweat and whatever the fuck else, The Bachelor Winter Games crowns Ashley and Kevin its victors. The confetti flies, I cry, and Ashley declares herself a Bachelor success story.

After The Final Fucking Rose

I hope to never see any of you again.

I can’t believe I’m staying up for this shit. CHRISTIAN IMMEDIATELY BRINGS UP THE JACUZZI. Then, we’re treated to a clip show of all the horrible moments from these four weeks I’ll never get back. Chris immediately puts Bibi on the spot and she fights back tears while recounting her relationship with Jordan, who, for the record, is a standup dude. You fucked up, Bibi! Chris speaks more Japanese to Yuki and she declares, “I HAVE GOOD TIME … BEN IS MY BEST FRIEND.” Well, that answers that question.

Courtney And Lilly’s Interview

Declaring that their love was immediate, Lilly and Courtney are still together. These two got an RV and drove across the great US of A together. They went to New York, DC, Nashville, Arkansas (why?), the Grand fucking Canyon, and several other places I can’t remember and taped it all along the way. Apparently, they’ve both moved to LA and are living it up. Congrats, kids.

Lesley And Dean’s Interview

We welcome Dean in his v American bowtie and Lesley, who is looking fly. After their montage, Dean talks about Lesley’s enthusiasm and Lesley talks about Dean not giving a fuck but being nice. Then Dean TOTALLY PROPOSES TO LESLEY IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE wait, no he doesn’t. He gives her a key to his house. Wtf? Chris Harrison is always playing with my emotions.

LIES.

Luke And Stassi’s Interview

Luke’s cold, endorsement-less eyes.

Now it’s time for Stassi from BELARUS NOT RUSSIA but lives in Sweden. Phew. Luke isn’t on stage yet, so that’s not a great sign. Stassi talks about how real it was while at the Vermont mansion and how Luke totally ghosted her after the show. Luke pops out to v limited applause. STASSI INTRODUCES HERSELF AND LOL. Luke tries to say that they had super intense convos about where they were in life, and Stassi is all “was I unconscious during these conversations?” GIRL YAAAASSSSS SLAAAAAAAAAAY.

Luke is fucking scrambling. Stassi is all, “WTF how can you just cut me out of your life” and Luke honestly is such a fuckboY right now. I thought more of him. Stassi is all, “LOL I must have missed when we broke up” and asks Chris to fucking move it along with the next relationship. Thank GOD she didn’t Fantasy Suite this man.

Ashley And Kevin’s Interview

Same.

We get a peek back at Kev and Ashley’s v romantic relationship and then welcome the reigning champs of The Bachelor Winter Games. Ashley apparently went to Canada, he went to Boston, and now they’re hanging out in LA which, yay. She talks about the virginity thing and the Fantasy Suite and yah they def did it although they’re playing coy now. Good for you, kids. Setting a great example.

Clare’s Interview

“I’m not not psycho.”

“I never give up on anything.” CLEARLY. Clare, who began way back on Juan Pablo’s season, is def the resident Bach hag who will continue going on these shows until she lands a victim potential mate. She is APPARENTLY in love now, with NONE OTHER THAN Benoit. I knew she’d end up with this guy. Benoit apparently texted her, which led to FaceTiming, which led to Netflix and chilling, and the rest is history. “I’ve always wanted a man who wouldn’t give up on me.” They talk about love and believing in themselves etc. while Clare talks about how he puts up with her crazy. Find you a man who can. Then, in a DRAMATIC TWIST, Benoit totally proposes with a STUNNING ring and some French sprinkled in for good measure. Love is real, you guys. Guess Clare won’t be on next season’s Bachelor in Paradise.

Images: Giphy (11); ABC (6)

Ohhhhhhh boy, and here we are for another installment of The Bachelor Winter Games—also known as the show that has confirmed the Bachelor franchise’s stronghold on my life, my marriage, and my TV. When I quietly informed my husband that we’d be watching Bachelor television on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday of this week (we have more TVs but he really loves the couch), he began weeping, quietly. As a reminder, this is the same husband I put through the Fifty Shades Darker review for your amusement, so the next time you say I don’t do anything for you, you sit and think about the toll this is taking on my marriage. Anyway.

We arrive back in scenic Vermont, a quiet winter wonderland BROKEN BY THE CATERWAULING OF ONE YUKI LASTNAMEUNKNOWN. We watch Yuki pulling Bachelor Ben around on a sled, with such exclamations as “BEN HEAVY!” Looks like everyone at the house is getting ready for another exciting winter challenge, and thank GOD they have their names on their jackets because I can’t keep fucking track.

The Challenge: Downhill Skiing Death Wish

Chris Harrison appears with barely budgeted announcer Hannah Storm to inform the contestants of the downhill skiing they’re about to embark on. Courtney interjects in the way only an Australian can with, “We ride kangaroos like mountains!” I’m sorry what? You did what to what? Never mind.

The contestants take a bit of time figuring out how to pizza and French fry so as to lessen the likelihood of them breaking their necks and bankrupting the Bachelor franchise with a lawsuit. How many waivers do you think these idiots had to sign before embarking on this *INCREDIBLE JOURNEY TO FIND LOVE* ?

Clare, resident franchise hag, declares her love for The Bachelor and that she’s willing to die. I don’t have a comment for that. However, she pulls off a STUNNING downhill performance in that she manages to stay upright without hitting a tree. Ashley I., Bibi, Stassi, and Tiffany all eat shit. The athletic ability of these contestants is questionable. Yuki goes slowly down the mountain, screaming; is all of us.

Lesley pulls out a stunning victory, upsetting Clare’s chances of a YA-KOO-ZI date with resident angry German, Christian.

A true representation of how this show is going

The men are up next, and my money is on Kevin, since he hails from America’s Hat snowy Canada. Not surprisingly, Kevin, Dean, and Ben do the best while Josiah, Christian, Kangaroo Rider Courtney, Michael, and Luke fail miserably. Since Dean wins for the men in a stunning upset, power couple Deansley have two date cards and decide to gift one to desperate virgin Ashley I and Canadian Tom Brady.

Ashley I And Kevin’s Date

So, from what I can tell, Ashley I and Kevin wine and dine before their Ghost-inspired pottery class, which I’ll get to in a minute. Ashley I immediately lays her balls on the table and proclaims, “When guys find out I’m a virgin, their dicks go soft.” WOAH. ALRIGHT. Not cutting corners, I see. The rest of the convo goes something like this:

Kevin: I’m 33 and I don’t know two virgins except home-schooled jungle freaks and religions weirdos.

Ashley: I’m def not a religious weirdo

Kevin: I wanna make sure you feel good about the sexing for a VERY LONG TIME

Ashley: Totes

America: *Dry heaving*

As I and the rest of the audience wonder about Ashley’s leather trench/dress ensemble, they head to a pottery class to make clay dicks. Clearly these people either haven’t seen Ghost and walked right into this trap, or the producers just got really fucked up and decided to pay homage to their fav 80s movie.

Send help.

The most upsetting part of all of this was the clay being rubbed into Ashley’s face as a result of Kevin’s v aggressive pottery kissing.

Back At The House And The Mass Bachelor Exodus

Back at the Vermont Bachelor Mansion, we see that Clare and Christian ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING JACUZZI. I really had no idea that Germans considered Jacuzzis as sacred as sauerkraut and beer, but apparently I am not as culturally in the know as I once thought. Despite the spat, Clare and Christian get into the Jacuzzi. Christian makes some mention of trusting his “sto-mash” which I believe roughly translates to going with your gut. Clare is clearly not getting it, they stare at each other a bit, then both head back into the house. After all the talk of hot tubs and dates and angry Germans, this was the epilogue we deserved?

Meanwhile, Dean and Lesley have gone on date number two, which we don’t see much of and I’m not upset by. The rest of the contestants take this opportunity to talk shit about Dean, which feels forced and weird—much like this entire program. Lesley asks Dean some tough questions, Dean bats his eyelashes, and everything is fine.

Clearly, the meat of this episode was reserved for the absolutely overdue exodus of several non-attached contestants. First up is Tiffany, who is sitting on the porch in the (I assume) -20 degree weather to make a point about being sad. She decides to leave and no one really notices. She makes mention of a 32 hour flight, Yuki sadly waves a flag (where did she get that?), and we see our last of Tiff.

Next up is Ben, who apparently saw Tiffany’s departure as a sign from God that he, too, needed to go be sad elsewhere. I guess when you literally say “dating is a chore,” being in a mansion that requires you to date on national television seems a lil weird.

He has a heart-to-heart with Ashely I, which seems misguided considering this girl has cried her way through several Bachelor shows and touts being a virgin like a proud, white flag. Chris Harrison appears like a Jedi to offer sage advice listen and offer nothing while Ben cries and talks about how REAL his and Lauren’s relationship was. What comes out of this is Ben deciding to leave and be sad at home; followed quickly by Michael, who know one really even knew was here.

Then, in the saddest scene in Bachelor history, Chris Harrison reappears to talk to Yuki. IN JAPANESE. WHEN DID HE LEARN JAPANESE? HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN ABLE TO SPEAK JAPANESE? DID HE KILL THE JAPANESE BACHELOR HOST AND ABSORB HIS POWERS? WHAT ELSE AREN’T THEY TELLING US?

Anyway, that conversation goes something like this … in Japanese:

Chris: Hi Yuki

Yuki: Hi Chris

Chris: No boy?

Yuki: No boy.

Chris: You’ve brought shame to the Bachelor franchise. You go home.

Yuki: Ok

Yuki declares that she “leave back home” and everyone is hysterically crying. I’m crying. The earth begins to implode when Ashley and Yuki cry together. “Bye bye Bachelor house.”

The Kissing Contest And Rose Ceremony

Because everyone is already paired up and The Bachelor fans demand blood a loser, Jojo, Arie, and Rachel show up to judge a forced kissing contest between couples that barely know each other. What follows is some truly incredible television as the couples begin practicing.

Clare and Christian stare at each other’s faces for a few minutes before deciding they aren’t meant to be. I find this especially hilarious considering Clare had sex on national television several times, yet wanted to be with the guy who couldn’t get up the gumption to touch her face. They sniffle into each other’s mics and disappear into the night.

The survivors remaining contestants line up and are totally ready to begin the contest. No one mentions Lilly’s Pippi Long Stockings-meets-sexy-farmer ensemble which looks slightly out of place considering the raging blizzard outside.

What commences is an atrocious display of mouth sucking, the likes of which I hope to never see again. Ashley and Kevin slurp on each other’s lips. Dean and Lesley do a cheerleading routine. Lilly and Courtney are cute in a foreign sort of way. Jojo is loving this shit since she’s like, so fun, and Lilly/Courtney are also, like, so fun.

While Bibi and Jordan make out, the camera pans over Ally, whose body is clearly violently rejecting the idea of making out with Josiah. Don’t blame it on nerves, girl, I did the same thing at my first high school dance after making out with a nerd I mistook for someone much hotter.

What followed next made the previous two hours of this absolute train wreck ALMOST worth it. Ally runs away and ACTUALLY THROWS UP. Josiah attempts to comfort her, but his totally nonchalant attitude when faced with kissing someone who just vommed is V off-putting. Like, did she brush her teeth? Did she Listerine? Did she gargle? No one knows.

Actual footage of Josiah and Ally kissing

They proceed to actually make out. I’ve reached a new level of discomfort.

To try and get the vomit feeling out of America’s collective mouth, human muppet Stassi and Luke go in for the kill. I wonder what lip injections taste like?

The winners are Kevin and Ashley, followed by Luke and Stassi, Courtney and Lilly, Jordan and Bibbi, and Dean and Lesley.

Josiah and Ally are sent home, since barfing then making out makes everyone feel nervous and sticky.

We only have one more episode of The Bachelor Winter Games, people. Then I can get my life back.

Images:  Giphy (8); ABC (1)

Finally, the day has come. We actually know wtf Bachelor Winter Games is, and it might be the craziest Bachelor-related franchise yet. I definitely went into this one thinking there was a high chance it would be boring, but I have to tell ya, after watching last night’s premier, I might like Winter Games more than this entire season of The Bachelor so far. Blame it on Arie.

The premise is simple: hot people from around the world who were insane enough to go on some version of The Bachelor franchise all meet (here in the U.S. because, duh) to try and hook up with each other. Also there are like, mild sports.

The Opening Ceremonies

Like in any good opening ceremony, team U.S.A is overhyped and has like a billion more people than everyone else. God bless.

Ben Higgins is on his phone for the entirety of the parade, which I love. To remind us that he’s all heartbroken and shit, they cut to footage of him sitting alone next to an empty armchair staring sadly off into space. This is exactly what I need.

Josiah: I came off as self-centered last season.

Also Josiah: Let me kiss my amazing body.

Clare saying that she retired from The Bachelor but not Bachelor Winter Games, is exactly the same as me every time I go back on my word and get back with a dude I said was trash: “I said I wouldn’t *date* him again, but we’re actually not dating. We’re just hanging out constantly and exclusively having sex with each other. There is a difference.”

Now we finally get to the part everyone has actually been waiting for, aka, the international competitors.

First, we meet Yuki from Japan, who does not speak English. I feel like it’ll be hard to meet your fiancé without speaking the same language as him, but then again Colin Firth did it in Love, Actually so who knows.

Yuki informs us that she knows the words “thank you” ,“okay”, “hello” “goodbye”, “I love you”, and “Will you marry me?” which is honestly the net vocabulary of many Bachelor contestants I can think of so she’ll be fine.

Here come the nice guys, aka the Canadians. The Canadian team is bringing several different flavors of Canadian, including French Canadian Benoit (that sounds like a Star Wars name, but whatever), and hot Kevin, who looks exactly like Tom Brady but with slightly stupider hair.

Next we meet Zoe from China. Chris Harrison wastes no time telling us that they do NOT have sex on the Chinese Bachelor. In fact, they barely kiss. So I guess the Chinese Bachelor is boring as fuck.

Next we meet the one British woman, Lara, who looks exactly like Martha May Whovier from the Jim Carrey Grinch movie. TBH I was low-key disappointed that the woman standing next to her dressed as the Queen wasn’t the contestant.

So I guess Team Australia is the LGBTQ component of these games? On the one hand, we have Tiffany, who they waste no time telling us is bi. On the other, we have Courtney (male), who set my gaydar fully ablaze within .5 seconds of hearing him yell, “Hellooooooooo thank you for having us this is amaaaazinggg!”

Team Swedens and Finland are predictably hot and beautiful. If an American woman doesn’t kill one of these gorgeous Nordic bitches by the end of this then I guess I don’t know what America stands for.

Holy shit this clip of The Bachelor Finland makes it look dramatic as fuck. IDK if it’s this dude’s gravelly voice or the fact that I don’t have a clue what he’s saying, but I am entranced.

Chris Harrison: Lily from Team New Zealand is going to shake things up this season!

Translation: Lily is a messy bitch who lives for drama and she will make Ashley I cry at some point.

Also on Team New Zealand: Ally, who has a tattoo of a sloth on her ass because she’s…chronically constipated? No clue.

Christian is from Germany AND Switzerland and has been on both Bachelors. Christian is clearly a psychopath.

Christian: I’ve dated women from everywhere! Of every color! If someone is beautiful why not date them?!

Translation: I’ve got hoes in different area codes.

Seriously though, you know when a guy starts out talking about his dick diversity you’ve got a fuckboy on your hands. I’m watching you, Christian.

The long and boring parade of countries comes to and end, and for some reason Santa is there? I guess he is kind of the king of winter?

Wow okay so Yuki told us 5 minutes ago she doesn’t speak English, and then hits the random Santa with an “I want present!” What else is she lying about?

To everyone who actually put their hands over their hearts when off-brand Chrissy Teigen sung the Bachelor anthem: You have brought dishonor on your home country.

Nobody has any clue that Trista and Ryan are the first ever Bachelor couple when they went up on stage, or why they’re carrying a lantern. TBH I am also confused by the lantern.

Ashley I: I’ve been friendzoned by all the American guys.

Translation: Everyone in the U.S. knows I’m nuts.

The Cocktail Party

All the foreign men start showing off at their different language skills while the American men try to remember even one thing from their American Sign Language unit in elementary school.

Zoe (China): All the men are so tall!

Translation: I’m in fucking heaven.

Chris Harrison takes a moment to acknowledge that there are clearly other Chris Harrisons in the international Bachelors, but does not acknowledge that he surely kills them all after every season to make sure they don’t get too powerful.

Yuki is employing the same tactic that I use when I don’t know wtf is going on in a conversation—smiling, screaming, and then just kind of pointing to my cheeks.

Lesley: What initially attracted me to Dean is his face.

Bachelor Nation: Same Lesley, same.

Casual reminder that Lesley just went through the extremely difficult and emotional process of getting a double mastectomy and if Dean does to her what he did to Russian orphan Kristina I swear to GOD!!!

That said, Yuki does appear to be going for Dean and if that happens I wish them the best of luck.

Ashley I is already out here gearing up for a freakout. As a general rule, anyone who says they’re “not going to cry” on The Bachelor will cry by the next commercial break. They call this Iaconetti’s Law, and it’s a rule of physics basically.

The New Zealand Bachelor people seem fun as fuck. Like, I would hang out with both of them.

Josiah: You have a fat ass.

Ally: You are black.

*Both immediately start making out (or, as Ally calls it, “having a cheeky little snog”)**

This Kevin-Bibi-Ashley I love triangle is a recipe for disaster. I love it.

Low-Key Me:

Clare also makes out with Benoit in the kitchen because like, he speaks French and can cook so you gotta lock that down.

The Games

This entire game basically comes down to one thing: Do you know how to ski? If you don’t, you’re fucked.

Josiah: I hope Ally wins so i can get a date!

Ally: *Falls and breaks her ass immediately*

I’m actually embarrassed that a Canadian shot better than an American. Shooting is our thing. Luke is a fucking soldier. What a disgrace to the flag.

Eric not being able to ski for shit but still smiling his whole way down the mountain should be enough for every woman to turn around and declare him her soulmate but, alas, Chris Harrison is the only one who sees.

Yuki, who they clearly brought along specifically because she doesn’t speak english and the producers think it is funny, still does not speak english. Groundbreaking.

The two hottest people (Kevin and Rebecca from Sweden) win the game, as they should.

Kevin: Bibiana I choose you.

Ashley I’s Tear Ducts:

Ashley I’s actual face:

It reminds me of that time Scheana said on Vanderpump Rules, “I would smile, but the Botox is not letting me.” But if you replace “smile” with “cry” and you get it.

Calling it now: Benoit is too pure for this show. Benoit, you’re from Canadian Bachelor. You don’t know shit. Get out while you still can.

Clare: I wouldn’t normally kiss in front of people!

Also Clare: *has been on three different versions of the same reality dating show*

The Twist!!!!

My only feeling going into this rose ceremony is that someone had better pick Yuki and that she’s the only one I care about.

Yuki: Dean, please me rose ?

Me: Can Yuki run in 2020?

^This face is too pure for this franchise world

Chris Harrison comes in and drops a bomb: This isn’t regular Bachelor, this is BACHELOR SURVIVOR — we’re voting people off bitches!!!

The cast:

Now everyone has one cocktail party to go around and convince everyone they’re not a piece of shit. Amazing.

It’s pretty obvious to me this British lady only hates Josiah because he didn’t pay enough attention to her.

Ally: Other girls in the house are saying you’re here for the wrong reasons…

Josiah: *eyes go completely black* Tell me who.

Yuki is the best at negotiating for herself because she is the most direct. She’s basically just saying “Like for like?” and everyone agrees. I respect that.

90% sure I’ve seen RuPaul wear Courtney’s exact outfit on Drag Race, and I also respect that.

Ashley I is wearing lingerie — respect all around, honestly. Infinite respect to everyone in the house.

Me: Ugh, Clare is totally going to play sweet innocent Benoit, isn’t she?

Clare: *Plays Benoit immediately*

Christian: You’re the most beautifulest woman in the house.

Clare (internally):

It’s weird that Christian is so uptight about Clare kissing when he was the guy who has been on two different Bachelors in two different countries and started the day by saying he has fucked across the globe. Just sayin….

The Rose Ceremony

Finally we get to the actual rose ceremony. I was worried there wouldn’t be actual roses because of this whole voting thing, but there are — thank God.

We lose Eric (WHYYY), Zoe (China), Lara (Whoville, U.K.), Jamey (Who??), and Lauren, who was apparently on Arie’s season and literally nothing better to do than return to a Bachelor show and be eliminated.

I can’t stop thinking about how poor Zoe has to fly back to fucking China now. That’s a 15 hour flight!!!!!

Yuki is the final clip because, obviously that’s what they brought her here for. Her willingness to admit that she gives no fucks about having a big heart and “likes face only,” is refreshing.

The moral of today’s episode: The Bachelor has, once again, slept on Eric. We do not deserve him!!!

The start of The Bachelor Winter Games cannot come soon enough. I need a new Bachelor show because this season has been v disappointing so far: Arie has dethroned Chris Soules as the dumbest most boring lead in franchise history, and I’m just kind of over Bekah’s pixie cut and fur coat combination. We get it, you’re a cool 22-year-old. So, as if I wasn’t already counting down the days, the news that fuckboy extraordinaire Dean Unglert has a new girlfriend from the show got me all excited. From daddy issues to Danielle L. issues, Dean is just fantastic at bringing the drama. And honestly, his journey from fuckboy in Mexico to boyfriend material in Vermont could prove to be an important lesson in dating rehabilitation. Maybe he learned something from his appropriately titled podcast, “Help! I Suck at Dating.”

But while I do want to know how/if he redeems himself, I mostly want to know who this Lesley girl is. Like, did she watch Paradise? Does she have no respect for Kristina? Is she a fuckboy charmer? Since I am a stalker impatient, I did some research to find out. And I’m going to go ahead and call it now: Lesley is way too good for Dean.

1. She Was On Sean Lowe’s Season Of The Bachelor

Lesley came in fifth place on Sean’s season and was sent home because she didn’t share all her feels on their second one-on-one date. She hasn’t appeared on any spin-off shows since then—so she obviously has (some) class, and she was a bridesmaid at Sean and Catherine’s wedding. Which is sweet, but also kind of weird.

2. She Used To Work In Politics

And she’s a Democrat. Thank god, we can still like her. She left her job as an executive assistant to a Democratic strategist in D.C. to appear on Sean’s season, and worked for the Obama campaign in 2008. She’s blonde, southern, and liberal. I honestly didn’t think those existed, at least not in Bachelor world.

3. She’s A Travel Blogger

This girl has my everyone’s literal dream job: getting paid to travel. At least now we know how to land that gig—be beautiful, be on reality TV, and be able to write. I can do one of those things (I hope, you tell me), so now I just need to get hotter and get on TV. According to her Instagram, she’s recently been to Sundance (with Dean), Bali, Sri Lanka, Greece, and I am fucking jealous.

4. She Raised Money For Puerto Rican Hurricane Relief

After traveling to Puerto Rico to promote relief efforts and tourism on the island, Lesley started a GoFundMe campaign to raise money to send dehydrated meals, water filters, and solar lights to Puerto Rico. Oh, I get it—she’s a saint. *Looks deeply into the mirror and asks, “what have you done lately?”*

5. She Recently Had A Double Mastectomy

Correction, saint and warrior. After testing positive for the BRCA2 gene, which can increase the likelihood of Breast Cancer by 50-85%, Lesley decided to undergo a preventative double mastectomy (à la Angelina Jolie). She’s since gotten breast implants and has been extremely open about her experience on her blog. Well fuck, she’s amazing.

To conclude: I don’t know how Dean could ever deserve this woman, but if anyone could turn him into a respectable man, it’s Lesley. I also hope he uses the same lines on Lesley as he did on Rachel, because I for one would really like to know her favorite dinosaur.

Catch up on this week’s Bachelor recap here!

I’ll say this once: If you don’t want to read spoilers, kindly close out of this article. Okay, now can I safely assume everybody here knows exactly what they’re getting themselves into? Great. Let’s continue. According to Perez Hilton, professional fuckboy Dean Unglert is dating Lesley Murphy from The Bachelor. 

If you don’t remember because why would you, Lesley competed on Sean’s season of The Bachelor. She recently got a double mastectomy after testing for the BRCA 2 gene, so this woman is a badass. If there’s anyone who will force Dean to snap out of his fuckboyish ways, I’m betting it’s Lesley. Like, this woman cut off her own breasts—I’m sure she’d have no problem cutting Dean off if he even tried to pull some shady bullshit on her like he did with Danielle and Kristina.

Dean and Lesley are both appearing on The Bachelor Winter Games, which is likely how they met. Perez Hilton reports they were spotted holding hands at a Sundance Film Festival party on Friday. Perez also says that Dean and Lesley “weren’t supposed to be in public together yet.” If that’s true, then I would think they’re both about to get hit with a casual lawsuit, because as we’ve previously learned, The Bachelor does not play around when it comes to their contracts. I just like to think that somewhere, Chris Harrison is screaming into his phone, “They weren’t supposed to be in public together yet!!” and then slamming it into the receiver. (In my hypothetical scenario, Chris Harrison has a bright red landline phone.) 

E! News reports that Dean is “really happy” with Lesley, and he even said their relationship is exclusive. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be checking out Kristina’s Instagram to see if she’s posted any selfies with inspirational quotes lately. I’m betting I’ll find no less than three.

Did you know we have a podcast where we just talk shit about The Bachelor? Listen to The Betchelor here!

ABC must have known that this season of The Bachelor was going to be boring af, because they had another reject-studded franchise spinoff ready to air: The Bachelor Winter Games. With a premiere date of February 13th, just in time for us to give up on Arie having a personality, this confusing spin-off has a 99.9% likelihood of being more entertaining than The Bachelor season itself. ABC announced most of the cast this week, and we are v excited to watch Ashley I. cry off her lash extensions, Dean attempt to overcome his addiction to fuckboy-ery, and Luke promote his country music career.

But we have a few burning questions: 1. Where the fuck is Peter? Mike Fleiss promised us he would be there, and I really don’t think I can survive another should-have-been-Peter letdown. Ben Higgins IS NOT an acceptable replacement. 2. What the fuck are they going to do with all of these people who don’t speak English international contestants? And 3. Do any of them know how to play sports? While we might have to wait for answers until the four-episode season airs in February, we can definitely start judging the contestants now.

Americans

Ben Higgins, ‘The Bachelor’ Season 20

It’s legit sad when an ex-lead shows up on a franchise spin-off. Actually, has this ever happened, or is this a new low? I bet he hooks up with one of the foreign blondes and wears his new coffee company T-shirt everyday.

Winter sport he will suck at: I cannot imagine this boy playing sports. But maybe he will be a mediocre ice dancer.

Dean Unglert,  ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 13

It’s been a whole two seconds since this fuckboy has been on our TV screens—looks like Dean is replacing Nick Viall as the new professional Bachelor franchise contestant. At least he takes less selfies.

Winter sport he will suck at: Treating women with respect.

Eric Bigger, ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 13

Eric and his beard are back; it must be miracle season. I’m a huge Eric fan, and I am genuinely excited to watch him run around in the snow with his shirt off and compete in winter themed games while hooking up with some randos. I only wish one of those randos were me. *Sighs*

Winter sport he will suck at: Figure Skating.

Jamey Kocan, 33, ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 13

Literally who is this?? Is this the guy that couldn’t understand why Rachel would send him home when he had such a symmetrical face? Could they really not find a boring white dude that made it past week two of a season? 

Winter sport he will suck at: Curling

Josiah Graham, ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 13

Josiah was solidly entertaining and extremely (falsely) self-confident on Rachel’s season. He forgot to actually care about the lead, though, so Winter Games seems like a better fit for him: A competition that’s about being the best and not about showing a woman you love her.

Winter sport he will suck at: Josiah is the best at everything, just ask him.

Luke Pell, ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 12

Okay, I’m starting to think Winter Games may be the auditions for the next Bachelor? WTF is Luke doing here—doesn’t he have a successful D-list country music career to attend to? He looks extremely uncomfortable in winter clothing.

Winter sport he will suck at: Anything he can’t do while wearing cowboy boots and jeans.

Michael Garofola, ‘The Bachelorette’ Season 9

I am totally here for Michael. He’s a successful lawyer and may be the only male Bachelor in Paradise contestant to not get a rose and still look like a gentleman. Winter will be your season, Michael, I can already tell. But if not, feel free to slide into my DMs.

Winter sport he will suck at: Cross-country skiing.

Ashley Iaconetti, ‘The Bachelor’ Season 19

Is she going to cry over Dean or Ben Higgins? She’s already bff with both of them, so I can’t wait to see which producer-induced love triangle she gets herself into this time.

Winter sport she will suck at: Yea, sorry girl—but probably all of them.

Clare Crawley, ‘The Bachelor’ Season 18

Clare announced her retirement from the franchise after her extremely embarrassing second appearance on Bachelor in Paradise. But just like Mike Fleiss’ promise of Peter, that means nothing.

Winter sport she will suck at: Anything that requires sanity.

Lesley Murphy, ‘The Bachelor’ Season 17

I didn’t watch Sean’s season so I know nothing about this girl, but five minutes of internet research revealed that she recently had a preventative double mastectomy and is a total badass. Lelsey, meet Michael; Michael, meet Lesley…

Winter sport she will suck at: She’s a queen and will win them all. 

The United Nations

The rest of the cast is made up of contestants from the international versions of The Bachelor: six men from Canada, New Zealand, Australia, and Switzerland/Germany and eight women from Sweden, Australia, New Zealand, Finland, The UK, China, and Japan. I can’t even pretend to know enough about them to make uninformed judgments, but I will say this: I am glad the franchise is finally letting Asians on the show, and also this Natassia from Sweden looks like trouble.

Whatever happens on this spin-off, there are sure to be juicy hookups, awkward subtitled conversations, and a lot of culturally insensitive comments. I can’t wait.

Praise the lord, our prayers have been answered: Peter Kraus is returning to The Bachelor, and it’s happening sooner than you think. No, Peter isn’t replacing Arie as the next Bachelor—filming is sadly very much under way, and I don’t think even ABC producers are that cold-hearted—but he will be appearing on The Bachelor Winter Games. And just like that, I’ve miraculously regained my will to live. 

Mike Fleiss is apparently on somewhat of a Twitter rampage—I wonder if his account is run by our president?—because he’s been tweeting nonstop for the past 15 hours or so about Bachelor-related news. Also like our president, much of what he’s been saying has been completely nonsensical. For instance, he tweeted, “I will be looking for Hot Chocolate on #TheBachelor Winter Games”. Like… okay. What does that mean? Are we supposed to care about Mike Fleiss’ choice in hot beverages (it’s mulled wine or nothing, BTW)? Or is this some weirdly veiled and kinda racist way of hinting that Kenny and Eric might be on the show? Someone please advise.

Anyway, in the midst of all that nonsense, Mike Fleiss also tweeted something very important. Something about Peter. Brace yourselves and get a change of underwear ready, because Peter is coming back to your television. Here’s what the Almighty Fleiss had to say:

So blessed. So moved. So grateful. Can’t believe this is my life. Never going to take it for granted. Always going to give back. Thank you.

We don’t know a whole lot about The Bachelor Winter Games. We know it’s going to have old fan favorites from past seasons, and even people from Bachelor franchises in other countries (which, in my opinion, is lame but nobody asked me). Contestants will compete in winter themed games, and finding love will be involved somehow. So basically it’s going to be the poor man’s Bachelor in Paradise. With some relay races. Oh, and it will premiere in February 2018. That’s basically it.

Whatever. As long as Peter is there and he hasn’t gotten his gap fixed, I’m in.